A Matter of Perspective 14
Chapter 14
I wanted to chat with Frank, but he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I was disappointed and wondered what difference it would make. It's not like we were doing anything wrong. Life can be so fucked up at times. But like he says, it's a matter of perspective and some people would perceive some older guy chatting with a seventeen year old a bit perverted, even though it isn't. It pisses me off. But there was nothing I could do. I respect Frank too much to make a big thing out of it, so just accepted it.
Will Waters willw521K@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 7:23 AM
Sorry I didn't back to you last night, but I was out of it. Ok. So like I've been up for a while now and I've been sitting on the back porch with Max thinking (well..one of us is thinking! Ha!), and here's what I got. I totally understand I think why we sorta hafta leave things like they are for now. If I got caught instant chatting or talking with u and had to explain that (and u) and how and why we know each other and whatnot that could be a bad thing. I sure don't need any problems right now, neither do u. So I get that. Kinda. But don't for a second think you're getting outta graduation!!! I'll be 18 LONG before that date and we'll figure it out! Period! Christ it can't be that hard to figure out! Feels like we already moved the world to me! So don't tell me we can't do that! Ok?!
But anyway yeah...I'll take what I can get because I need ya. I'm floating around in completely uncharted waters here bro and you're the ONLY compass that I have right now. I'm where I'm at right now here today because of you, so don't think you're jumping ship, or I'm hitching to bumfuck California, or wherever it is you live, and kicking your ass! With Max! Ha!
Well..I do gotta get going and get the damn grass cut so nobody freaks. The weather report says it's gonna rain from later on today all the way til Friday maybe. Crap. Glad I went out fishing and we had a fire last night. It was a blast! Nice to have a family again ya know? But I feel guilty in a way too, big time! And u know why too. Because it's a lie. I AM gay. But for now I'll take it, it's better than nothing, and I speak from experience.
There's a whole lot coming up real soon Frank. School starts in just 15 days. And there's my whole re-emerging friendship with Gary n maybe Jason too, if that's what it is. And there's what to say to all the other kids and everyone else. Lots of challenges and issues for sure. And u better fucking help me or Max is gonna bite your ass!!! Ha! Somehow I know u will...and it's very comforting. Truly.
We gotta go get to work. Love ya! (Woof)
*****
frankf4321s frankf4321s@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 9:11 AM
To: willw521k@gomail.com
I'm not going anywhere and feel a little guilty for getting your hopes up on the chat, but not chatting is probably the right thing for now, and I'll explain why in the next email.
Don't feel guilty. If anyone is at fault, and I don't mean to blame your parents because they mean well, it's their fault for the attitudes they hold against gay people. But like I said numerous times, they have this crazy belief that if you're gay, you're going to hell, and they don't want you to go to hell. That's the way they are, so don't put the blame on yourself for deceiving them. After all, it's the only way to get your family back. They really do love you. You wouldn't have to be doing this if they didn't hold to their conservative religious values. Everything that has happened to you may change all that. You might consider suggesting you go to a different church. It probably would never happen, but you can never tell.
Jesus never once mentioned homosexuality so He must not have found it important enough to mention.
What's with Jason? Do you have some doubts about his attitude being the same as Gary's. I read something in a blog the other day about a guy who came out when he was sixteen. He had three best friends. A girl, and two guys. He told all three he was gay. The girl was cool with it as well as one of the other guys. The second guy said he couldn't hang with him because he didn't want everyone to think he was gay. I think that's what happened with your friends when you came out. So like I said, don't press the matter. Keep it in neutral. If it comes up, tell them you've never had gay sex with another guy and that whether you were gay or not shouldn't make any difference. (I must sound like a broken record). But it probably does to some guys, girls not so much, so it doesn't hurt to just say you made a mistake coming out which is a non denial denial. You don't claim to be straight and you don't claim to be gay. This should help get rid of their skepticism.
I'm sure there will still be some bumps in the road, so expect them. But I would make a point of getting together with Gary and Jason away from your house to test the waters. It's one thing for them to come to your house and hang and another to be out in public.
The other thing is, you are all now seniors and they may no longer care what others think because you guys are at the top of the heap. You were sophomores before and at the bottom of the heap.
That's all for this email which ended up being much longer than I expected.
God bless. Love you and Max and the whole world of God's people, but especially those with whom I have a special bond. You are now accepted as a member of my family and I know a lot of people who know me who wish they could be. Well, everyone except my own children. (Just joking. That's what my daughter told me jokingly the other day.)
Frank
*****
Will Waters willw521K@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 11:42 AM
God I'm like so totally being a lazy ass here! Still on the back porch in my pajama bottoms with Max and it's almost noon! Oh well. I'll get the damn lawn done before it rains I'm sure cause it's still sunny out. Storms do whip up really fast here. Just can't get motivated ya know? I'm processing everything that's happened in the past week and SHIT it's a lot!!!! Plus I've been talking with jenn and she's straightening my head out. Remember she's the only one that knows bout u. And she's way cool too and won't breathe a word to anyone. She doesn't know your name or where u live, and I wont tell her, or anyone, so no worries. Anyway I shared what u and ur lawyer friend said and Jennifer says you're totally right. She said it could really be bad for everyone if I have to explain my relationship with an adult who writes gay stories for obvious reasons. Remember she also knows all about "the plan" and that secretly I really am and always will be gay. Anyway she's glad I have u, and she said to say "thanx" for helping me and being a friend cause she knows I need ya. She's so cool. And she's right, and so are you, I know that now. I was feeling kinda pissed but jenn helped me put it all in perspective. I'll take what I can get, and I seriously need u, now more than ever since "the plan" is starting to unfold. Sure hope u get back to me before I start my chores, I'd feel better.
Love ya! Woof! Ha! Will n Max.
*****
frankf4321s frankf4321s@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 11:58 AM
To: willw521k@gomail.com
Will
Well, I didn't get up till late, showered, ate breakfast, and all the time you're on my mind because I felt I'd let you down.
I'm glad Jennifer agrees because it makes it easier for you to accept. I'm going to tell you a real story. And I tell it in order to show you how good intentions can get screwed up.
I was coaching at a high school where I used to teach when I was in my 20's. I taught there the first year the high school opened. Then they let me go basically because I was a damn good teacher. I'd gotten a nice write up in the local paper for being creative. The editor wanted to know why more teachers couldn't be like me. It should have had a positive effect, right? The opposite happened. The other teachers got jealous, badmouthed me to my face, and talked bad about me to parents etc. The school board and the principal in their infinite wisdom let me go. They didn't fire me. But I was non-tenured and they can let you go without cause.
So fast foward to a few years back. I have moved back to the area and began coaching varsity football with the same guy I coached junior varsity with when they let me go. I was the line coach and from what you know of me, I'm sure you know I'd probably be close to my athletes. Well, this one kid, who didn't have a father, used to talk to me every now and then after practice like a lot of other kids. I didn't give it much thought because other kids talked to me too.
I went to graduation, like I did every year to support the kids I coached. He came up to me afterward and said he was going in the Air Force and wanted to know if he could write me. Of course, I agreed. He wrote me while he was in basic and I wrote him back. He finished basic and I was going to write him again, but the former address wasn't any good. I tried to contact his mother, but she had moved. I figured he'd lost my address too.
Now the real crap starts. My son's father-in-law (let's call him Pete) is a graduate of the Air Force Academy and I thought he could get me the kid's address. Of course, he's no longer a kid, he's 19 or 20. Pete immediately asked me why I wanted some kid's address. I told him I'd coached him and he's not a kid but an adult. I said he'd written me and he didn't have a father and I thought he might like to have a man to write too. He gives me an odd look and repeats, "He's only a kid."
That pissed me off. "Only a kid?" What the hell? Some people have perverted minds. Anyway, I repeated myself and he said he didn't think it was a good idea and never did get me the address.
I know you can already see this in your head. The kid is an adult, 19 or 20 by then and this guy thinks it's odd that I, as an adult, would want to write him and have contact with him. He ignores the fact that "the kid" originally wrote me, didn't have a dad, and maybe wanted a man in his life. He's another religious right fanatic. But who was having the bad thoughts here? Him or me? Him obviously. We have no control over what other's think. Reminds me a bit of Pastor Todd. Yes, it's a matter of perspective.
So this kid lost out on having an adult figure in his life because of the narrow mindedness of my son's father-in-law.
So keep in mind Brave Prince that we have no control over what others will think as you move forward toward the start of school. I think you should go out and watch football practice to test the waters and see how many kids come up to talk to you afterward. Sounds scary I know. But it may be the only way to get a feel for what's going on. Be sure you sit where they can see you.
This is only a suggestion, but hell, you're going to have to take some chances throughout your life, so you just as well get used to it now.
God bless. Love ya. Bring Max with you.
Frank
*****
Will Waters willw521K@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 6:33 PM
Hey! Just got ur messages, sorry but I got so busy getting chores done before the rain starts. Out with parents and grandparents right now, weird for a Monday (?). I'll read and reply when we get home. Love ya! ;-)
*****
frankf4321s frankf4321s@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 6:48 PM
To: willw521k@gomail.com
Glad to hear you're having such a good day. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. I'm beginning to think I'm getting as addicted to your emails as you are mine. Lol
Oh, and by the way, I have the perfect solution that came to me while I was taking a nap. Just tell everyone you're a virgin, which it true, and you don't have to say your straight or gay. That should satisfy Gary and anyone else who wants to know what the hell is going on. I'm beginning to think I'm becoming a bit overbearing with too much advice. Sorry about that.
Hope you're having a wonderful day. I assume you are because I haven't heard from you and my curiosity it building.
Take care. God bless. Love you.
Frank
*****
Sometimes Frank makes suggestions that seem off the wall. I didn't want to talk about sex at all, never mind telling everyone I'm a virgin. I know his intentions were good, but I prefer just saying that it shouldn't make any difference if I'm gay or not. Avoiding all discussions on this matter is the way I want it. May never happen of course, but a guy can hope.
*****
Will Waters willw521K@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 7:03 PM
_Hey Frank! I'm so sorry bout not gettin back to ya sooner, what a busy day! LOTS to tell ya! One of the great things about talking with u is you help me to understand and appreciate things in my life and put them in the proper context (as my English teacher would say). I can so tell because of how u make me understand things that u were a teacher, and a damn fine one too! The kids lost a gem and I'm sorry they missed out when u retired Frank. But I've got u now for my classes on real life, and I ain't lettin u go. Consider yourself tenured with me bro!
I'm totally cool now with how we need to conduct our relationship for now. It's not permanent cause I will be an adult in March, and you ARE coming to my graduation if I have to hire a bunch of ninjas to kidnap u and bring u here! We'll figure it out, it's a while from now, and I've already got some ideas (heh heh!).
My day: here's where this message gets good! Finally got motivated and got the grass cut and garage cleaned, but Max was no help at all! Ha! He just laid around like a lazy dog! Ha! I kill me! I just gotta interject something here real quick be4 I carry on...u know how much of a better mood I've been in since u started helping me and talking to me? U can probably tell from my jokes! Seriously though, even Jenn says she notices the difference, and she thanked u today for helping me. U'd love her! Can't wait fer u to meet her next year! Anyway let's get back on track here, got important stuff to cover.
My day: (continued) After finishing my chores ma came home early when I was getting ready to write to u and said to shower and change cause we're going out, which like never happens on a Monday! Anyway pops got home and we headed to this really cool restaurant in Coeur d'Alene, about 20 miles from here and met my grandparents who live about 15 miles from there. It's a pretty swanky place and I had the BEST steak! But my grandparents are loaded so they paid for everyone. ANYWAY, the important part...gramps said he and grams want to drive to Seattle, Washington and leave on Wednesday and they want me to go with them! AWESOME! Plus I get to drive a lot and gramps has a totally cool Cadillac!_
_They're (or I guess we're) going to visit grandma's sister AND the best part is we're going to a Mariner's home game! Shit yes! Unlike a lot of kids my age I LOVE to spend time with gram n gramps! They're cool as hell and spoil me rotten being the only grandkid. Here's the weird part though, never had an invite to do anything with them like this in the two summers that I was "gay". I'm a little hurt by that but I'll get over it real quick! Ha! So yeah the three of us are leaving early early Wednesday, going up into Canada and driving to Vancouver BC, and eventually to Seattle. We're stopping at two hotels on the way there and back cause they don't like to drive more than like 4 hours a day, but that's cool, because with them I know they'll be nice places, and I'll get my own room! First time ever! I'm really excited!!!!! Gonna miss Max but I'll get over it.
I'm gonna play it really really cool with Gary and Jason and the rest of the kids, just like u suggested, take things one day at a time. But they did stop by (both!) in between workouts to have lunch and chill and hang out and everything was just fine. Good even!
I'm really excited!
Love ya! Will and Max! Woof! Ha!_
*****
frankf4321s frankf4321s@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 7:15 PM
To: willw521k@gomail.com
Will
We're on your timeline and not mine. Glad to hear you had such a great day and are headed to Seattle. I've been to all 50 states and anytime someone mentions a place, it brings back memories. I had a fraternity brother, who lived in Seattle. I'd taken a year off from teaching after my first heart attack and traveled the U.S. in my motor home. He had a 15 year old son who was really into sports. At the time I had two of my former athletes playing pro ball and he was all impressed. Well, actually, so was I. They're in their 50's now.
Anyway, we got to the Mariners game and were on the third base line. Now mind you, I'm not a baseball fan, but this kid wanted to go so badly, and I wanted to go to the stadium so he and I went together and damn if one of the players didn't hit a foul ball and the kid caught it. He'd been going to games for years and had never caught one. I guess I bring good luck. Can't remember the kids name for the life of me.
So when you're at the game picture me sitting over near third base with this kid and him catching a foul ball. It could be you.
Glad to hear Gary and Jason are cool. Sounds like things are moving right along. They probably feel a little guilty for the last couple years. Probably everybody does. But I think you need to remain cautious. I know it's great to have your friends back, but I'm still a little suspicious at their quick turnaround. Like I said, only trust your parents.
Hey, you're going to have to get Max off his ass and get him to help. I'm glad I'm tenured with you.
Talk to you later. God bless. Love ya.
By the way, I'd love to say I'm wise beyond measure, but I pray for wisdom almost every night, unless I get to sleep too fast or forget. I think God has answered my prayers. But as you know, he doesn't always answer them the way we'd like. Anyway, I can't take all the credit.
Frank
*****
Frank keeps telling me to only trust my parents, but I can't say they were all that trustworthy for the last two years. Now that everything has changed, they show that they really love me. But I'm sure not going to tell my parents I lied. I think what Frank means is I should not trust my friends too much. I'm tempted because they're all so cool with me now and it feels so good. They'd probably be a lot cooler with it than my parents. But I think I should follow Frank's advice and be a chameleon. Well, and keep my mouth shut and be neither gay or straight, just the Brave Prince, well actually, Will Waters.
*****
Will Waters willw521K@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 7:15 PM
_I've been online checking out stuff to do in Seattle and it looks like a really exciting place!! I probably won't sleep hardly a wink tonite! That's ok, I remember john Wayne saying in one movie "I'll sleep when I'm dead". I've seen like every movie he did because dad's a huge fan.
More on Gary and Jason. Was too excited telling u about my trip earlier so I forgot. Oops! Anyway they stopped by with McDonald's again around 2 o'clock to hang out. We sat out back with Max and shot the shit. They said everyone on the team thinks asshole hit me because I'm gay and parents wanted him to teach me not to be or "cure" me. So...it basically became time to tell them the real story so they can help straighten out the other kids._
I stuck right to "the plan". I told them that I told my parents that I don't really think I'm gay and they (parents) were happy and wanted to have me see Todd to just like help reinforce some things for me. Then I said Todd wanted to know why I felt I was gay to begin with and I told him it was none of his business and that's when he got pissed and walloped me. They seemed to buy it just fine! And I was able to leave James and the locked door completely out of it.
_Then Gary said "so...are u gay? Cause we don't care anymore if you are". I got kinda stuck on that one, wasn't totally prepared I guess ya know? So I said "I was really confused when I was fifteen and did something stupid because I guess I didn't understand my feelings, but I'm pretty sure I'm not even though I've never had sex with anyone". That seemed to do the trick I guess (?) because the conversation turned back to football and who's fighting for what starting position. They had to get going so I asked them to please tell everyone what really happened with asshole and they promised they would. Then they asked me to go to the movies tomorrow night with them and a few other kids (COOL!) but I'm sure mom n dad will say no because I'm getting up at 5 am Wednesday to leave for Seattle with gram and gramps. That's fine though, the important thing is I GOT INVITED!
Well, the die is cast, the ball is rolling, we have launch, the "plan" is rolling, the train has left the station and everyone on board has a one way ticket. Let's hope it's the right destination! I'm praying! Guess I'll find out when I get back from my trip huh?_
Love ya! Will n Max! Woof!
*****
frankf4321s frankf4321s@gomail.com Mon, Aug 18, 7:47 PM
To: willw521k@gomail.com
It's not probably critical, but I think that if you can, you should go to the show with the guys tomorrow . Explain to your parents that is your first invite, and it would be nice to spend some time with them after all these years or something like that. You can always take a nap while you're on your way to Seattle. I think it's important for you to spend some time with them away from your house. And be seen in public with them.
_
I'm on my Android so I will not write anymore. God bless; pleasant dreams_