Affirmation

Affirmation, Part 9

Author's Note: Hi everyone, sorry this took so long. Thanks for your patience. Please write me as I want to hear your comments. If you want the next chapter faster, hearing from you is a big encouragement. Darren will leave for Australia soon. Technically, the story should end there. Over the next few chapters, tell me if you think it should end when Daz gets on the plane. Please write to me at silentkid@angelfire.com Thanks, Amber

Note: This chapter features several Robbie Williams songs including "Strong," "Man Machine" and "One of God's Better People." Additionally, some of the dialogue is inspired by Matchbox 20's "Push."

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to the actual lives of Robbie Williams, Darren Hayes, Jason Brown, or members of Boyzone is entirely coincidental and is not meant to imply any type of sexual behaviour on their part. This story is for adults only. Do not read if you are under 18 or if it is not allowed in your community.

Shane was right. Darren didn't need three hours to get ready for Robbie's concert. It only took two and a half, the majority of which were spent in front of the closet choosing the perfect outfit. Why he was spending so much time on this puzzled him since he usually just grabbed the first thing he saw and went with it. But tonight he wanted to look good. It seemed like the thing to do. He ended up in his black leather pants again and a button up white tiger striped shirt that he left untucked. Had he been vain, he would have lingered longer at the mirror as he spiked his hair, but he wasn't, so he left.

Darren stepped into the hall and immediately saw Ronan walking towards him. He put his head down, but Ronan grinned lopsidedly at him and whistled, cat calling him. Darren blushed despite himself. He smiled uncertainly. As they passed, Ronan asked if he was going to Robbie's concert. He said that he was, and Ronan simply said, "good." He moved on then and stopped in front of Stephen's door. He looked back at Darren for a moment, his face expressionless, before he disappeared into the room. Darren wondered if he wasn't trying to make up for that morning when he'd threatened him.

He took the elevator down to the lobby and, as he exited, couldn't resist pushing all the buttons at once. A young couple hurriedly boarding pushed him as he did so and the doors closed before he could get off. They saw the board lit with its pink numbers. They turned and glared at him. Darren nonchalantly focused on the counter over their heads.

"We're going to the tenth floor, you ass. It's going to take a half hour, now," the man said.

The woman pushed a strand of brown hair behind her ear and peered at her reflection in the silver doors.

"Well, aren't you going to say anything?" the man asked him.

Darren slowly looked from the counter to him. He shook his head.

"Leave him alone, honey. You know how spoiled popstars are," the woman said.

"Oh, so you're a popstar, are you?" asked the man, poking him in the shoulder. Darren slapped the hand away. He no longer regretted that childish act of pushing the buttons. In fact, the longer he stayed on the elevator, the more glad he was. These people deserved a half hour ride. He blinked at the man innocently, feeling no desire at all to speak to him.

The guy grabbed him, wrapping his hand around his throat, and slammed him against the back wall. Darren landed, choking, and clawing at the fingers restraining him. The man held him at arms length. He pulled his fist back, ready to smash it into the little Australian singer.

"Oh honey, you are too much," the woman said, sounding terribly bored.

The door opened and in an instant an equally bored voice said, "Oh, my God."

The man turned around and said, "Can you believe this fucker? He's wasting half my day! I'm just teaching him a little lesson." With that he turned back to Darren, who was having a little trouble standing, what with the guy's hand growing ever tighter on him.

"Shite, let me have a go!" the other guy said. The man dropped Darren and instantly Shane was there, in Darren's face. Before Darren could say anything, Shane punched him in the stomach. It didn't hurt very much, but it hurt enough, and Darren fell forward groaning. The man laughed delightedly.

"That's the stuff! C'mon, let me in there."

The doors opened and Shane grabbed Darren. "I'm not done with him yet," he said, dragging Darren out. "You guys have a great day."

"Oh, great, he's probably going to kill him," the woman said as the doors closed.

"Are you alright?" Shane asked as he lowered Darren to the floor. He sat, gasping, against the wall.

"Why did you hit me?" Darren asked incredulously. "I can't believe you hit me!"

"Better me than him, right?" Shane said. "He was set to tear your head off."

"I know," Darren said, "I don't know what I was thinking."

"Are you hurt?" Shane asked, pulling Darren's shirt up. "I don't see a bruise."

Darren groaned. "Trust me, it's on the way."

"What about your throat?" Shane pulled his collar down and gently brushed his fingers over Darren's neck. He undid a button to open his shirt further. His touch sent a chill down Darren's chest, and it wasn't unpleasant at all. He looked at Shane in fascination, unable to tear his eyes from his face. Shane ran his fingers over Darren's skin, tracing the red remnants of the man's grip.

"Is it bad?" Darren asked.

"You'll live," Shane said. He buttoned him up again and helped him to his feet.

"Thanks," Darren said, standing shakily. He started for the elevator, but Shane stopped him.

"Maybe you should take the stairs." Darren nodded blankly. "C'mere," Shane said, wrapping him in his arms. Darren fell into him. Shane rubbed his head gently and softly told him to breathe deep, that he would be alright. Then he kissed him on his forehead and walked him downstairs, holding onto him all the way so he wouldn't fall.

"Thanks," Darren said at the bottom. "I think I can make it from here."

"If you're sure," Shane said, as he spiked up Darren's bangs with his fingers.

"I am."

Just then, someone slapped his back, and Darren gasped, frightened. "It's okay, it's just J," Shane said. He continued, explaining to J, "Darren had a bit of a fright earlier." J put his arm around him soothingly.

"Aw right," he said, or something like that.

"J's going to the concert with you, Daz," Shane said suddenly. "You don't mind do you?" he said to J.

J didn't mind at all. "You don't have to," Darren said.

"I don't want you on your own after what happened," Shane said. Then, softer, he whispered, "if you can't understand him, tell him."

J mumbled something at him and Darren nodded.

"Daz!" Shane said sharply.

"I'm sorry J, what?" Darren said.

"Yumeherhehmn," J said.

"Oh. Right." Darren said. Shane hailed a cab for them and the two settled in for the ride to the Hammerstein.

J said something. Darren smiled slightly. J said it again and again. Finally, Darren threw his hands up and yelled, "What? " J stopped talking and stared at him in shock. Darren put his hands up, scared of what the Liverpool lad could do if a steel door wasn't in his way.

"I'm sorry," Darren said quickly. "I'm having trouble controlling my inhibitions today."

J laughed, unoffended. "It's okay, mate," he said, and his accent was different, more London based. "Is this better?"

"Much," Darren laughed.

"I don't change my accent for everyone, you know. But, since you seem so hopeless, for you I'll make an exception."

"Thanks," Darren said, beaming. That was easy. If he'd known, he'd have yelled earlier. J rolled his eyes at him playfully. Darren punched his arm. J grabbed it and jokingly fell onto Darren. He touched him where Shane had punched him and he involuntarily tensed up. J pulled back.

"I'm sorry," Darren said. "It hurts."

"I'm sorry," J said. He reached up and gently touched Darren's face. He brought his face close to Darren's and his eyelashes brushed his cheek. Darren closed his eyes as he felt J's hot breath near his lips. He waited, shaking, for J to do something, anything, to still his tremors. Why did he feel this way? It was all so silly. He opened his eyes just in time to have J lock his lips onto his. Darren shuddered despite himself. So this was what it was to kiss a guy. He never thought it would be J. Never once had he guessed J. Three days ago he'd never considered kissing a guy, except for Daniel, but that wasn't really kissing, was it, more pecking, and now here he was, in the back of a cab with 5ive's tough guy, and were those his arms rubbing J's back? He felt so disconnected somehow. J's stubble scratched him. Suddenly he understood everything Ronan had been through with J, all the confusion and desire, all of it, because he felt it too. And he wanted desperately for it to go away.

These emotions flooded through him in the span of seconds from the start of the kiss to the moment the cabbie banged on the glass to separate them.

"$4.75" the cabbie said. Darren paid. The cab sped off, leaving them on the sidewalk outside the Hammerstein.

"What did that mean?" Darren asked, uncertain if he wanted an answer.

J smiled slightly, put his arm around him, and said exactly what Darren wanted to hear, "It doesn't mean a thing." He paused. "I thought you needed to be kissed."

"But.." Darren started.

"Don't worry about it," J soothed. "It's just me."

And, for some reason, this made it okay, though Darren wasn't sure why, and his feelings settled, but the confusion remained. By now J had left him to pick up their tickets and Darren ran to catch him at the door. J smiled at him as they went in together and Darren smiled back, though not as broadly.

They were late, very late. Robbie was in the middle of "Strong", dancing manicly as they pushed their way to the front. J clutched Darren's wrist and dragged him along so they wouldn't be separated in the crowd. Finally they stopped in the front, just left of center. Darren rubbed his aching wrist and wondered how many more bruises he'd have to endure before the night's end. Suddenly the entire crowd shifted and Darren was pushed onto a teenage girl. In an instant, the shift came back and everyone was upright like a row of dominoes reversed. He turned to apologize and she mouthed an acknowledgement, knowing he wouldn't hear over the din.

Robbie was over on stage right, and his happy delivery put an ironic slant on the words coming from his mouth. "You think that I'm strong. You're wrong. You're wrong."

Before he could stop it, Darren felt a tear forming in his eye. He quickly wiped it away. It was just the sight of Robbie up there, saying things like that. Darren knew Robbie wasn't strong at all and he wrote the song to convince himself otherwise. Was it working? Maybe now, but tonight it wouldn't. If Robbie came to his door again, he wouldn't turn him away. He was setting his mind right now. He couldn't turn him away, not after last night. He almost started crying again, remembering how he had awoken next to Robbie's freezing body and seen him weeping as he slept. No, that couldn't happen again. He wouldn't let it. Darren shook the moodiness off. How could he, or anyone, be sad here? Robbie had spotted J and danced over. He beamed when he saw Darren. He waved at them so quickly that it might have been part of his dancing. Then he blew a kiss at a girl. She screamed and he ran back to mess with his guitarist Alex who was, as usual, wearing a kilt which Robbie teasingly flipped up. Alex coyly put his instrument in between him and Robbie. Robbie dropped to his knees and licked his lips as Alex seductively tromped towards him, forcing him backwards onto the stage before jumping back to his place. Robbie leapt up and danced away, grinning.

By now J was dancing in the middle of a circle of girls. Darren was in the circle too, but he couldn't dance. He jumped, though, caught in the flow of bodies pressed against him, pushing him up and down so he had to move, even if he didn't want to. Happily, he was having the time of his life. The nice girl he'd fallen on earlier was wedged under his right arm. She smelled like Herbal Essence and he breathed her in with each movement. Sometimes she'd turn, laughing, and he'd smile at her as he mouthed Robbie's songs. Another girl separated him from J. J had his arm around her, and around the girl on the other side of him, and two other girls in front and behind him. J leered smoothly when two of the girls brushed against his biceps. Darren laughed and rolled his eyes. Leave it to J to kiss him in a cab and then pick up 4 women without saying a word.

From the stage, Robbie caught Darren's eye with a mischevious glint. He threw his hands up, stopping the band.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give a New York welcome to two of my friends here tonight. They're tall, they're foreign, and they're right there!" he yelled, pointed straight at J and Darren. "Savage Garden's Darren Hayes and Five's J Brown!"

J's thick laugh rumbled up from his diaphragm and spilled forth, shaking his whole body. Darren yelled, "thanks, Robert!" The girls surrounding J screamed and pressed closer as they realized they were standing with a celebrity, although they didn't really know who he was. The girl under Darren's arm looked at him with quiet realization. He blushed and shrugged apologetically. She smiled at him like she had done all evening and continued jumping as Robbie sequed into Man Machine. Darren laughed, caught up in the motion again. Robbie finished the song with a flair, leaping from the drum kit, causing the whole set to shake while the band vamped on and on and he ran from one end of the stage to the other riling up the crowd. He stood triumphantly in the middle, arms extended, egging them on with a cocky, self-assured grin. Darren forgot himself for a moment and screamed for his friend. Not a good thing for a singer, but oh well. Robbie would scream for him.

Robbie let the crowd settle before he spoke. "This one's for all of you," he said, but he looked only at Darren. The few remaining shrieks died down as he began.

You're one of God's better people And you don't know That's why you're special And I cry so I can talk like this From my downbeat existence And I know that you can make my wish If my wish is pure

Robbie kept his eyes locked on Darren, even as his body drew in the rest of the crowd.

But I don't know I just don't know I don't know Let me love you so

Now I can't live this without you I'd die without you Without you without you

Darren's lower lip trembled as the words washed over him.

You're one of God's better people And you don't know That's why you're special It must hurt to see your favorite man Lose himself again and again And I know that you're my only friend From way back when

Darren looked to J. He and the girls stood still, them draped against his chest and back, moving with his breathing.

Now I can't live this without you I'd die without you Without you without you

You're one of God's better people And you don't know That's why you're special

Darren blinked, desperately trying not to cry. He failed. Tears soaked his cheeks as he wondered if Robbie meant what he had sung. The capacity for understanding this was beyond him and made him cry all the harder. Robbie smiled at him and took his final bow, surreptitiously wiping his eyes as he bent down.

Darren rubbed his eyes and realized with some embarrassment that he had cried on the girl's head. She shrugged politely and he kissed her on the cheek. People started filing out. The girl waved hesitantly at Darren and he waved back. She smiled happily as the crowd swept her away. Darren wondered what she would tell her friends that night.

"Let's go," Darren said to J. They found their way to the backstage entrance, J still flanked by the girls. The security guard stopped them. He waved the men through, but refused the girls. They whined. J shrugged apologetically.

"Sorry, girls. Maybe next time," he said. Darren rolled his eyes.

"Goodnight, ladies," he said. They whined some more. "C'mon, J," Darren said, grabbing him and pulling him through a line of well wishers to search for their friend. They found him in his dressing room, just pulling his shirt over his head.

"I'm sorry I made you cry," Robbie said. Darren blushed again.

"No worries," he said.

"You were crying?" J asked, laughing.

Darren growled uncomfortably.

"Get me out of here, guys," Robbie said. "I'm beat."

In minutes, J created a distraction and the three of them were soon on the sidewalk. Two of J's girls were still hanging around. They came over and swooned at Robbie. He winked at them. Darren wondered if J knew their names. The cab came and somehow J ushered the girls in as well. Robbie and J both ended up with one on their lap. Darren sat quietly against the window, feeling very much like a small child horning in on big brother's date. J tickled his girl's ribs. She giggled playfully. Darren watched Robbie's reflection in the window. The girl on Robbie's lap rubbed his chest and purred, but he pulled his head back so she couldn't touch him. She finally gave up and turned her attention to J. Darren stifled a laugh as he watched Robbie, looking equally miserable in his reflection. He caught Robbie staring back and quickly turned away. When he looked back to the window, Robbie was still watching him.

When the four finally landed in the lobby, Robbie and Darren quickly excused themselves. J and the girls hardly noticed. In the elevator, Darren's heart pounded, though he didn't quite know why. He wondered if he should tell Robbie that J had kissed him, if he would even care. He crushed tensely into the far corner of the metallic box while Robbie lounged against a side wall, arms crossed lazily over his chest.

"Thanks for coming," Robbie said.

"I kissed J!" Darren blurted, surprising himself.

"Well," Robbie said. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

With that he stepped off the elevator and walked briskly to his room. Darren leaned against his door jam and berated himself. What was he thinking? He drove him away. God, he was an ass. Now Robbie wouldn't come to him in the night and, worse, he wouldn't wake up beside him. Who would he go to? Shane, probably. But what if he went to J? J would do more than just hold his hand. Darren shuddered thinking about Robbie and J entwined. And what if J wanted more from him? Would Robbie let him? Could he stop him, would he even try? What, oh god, what if he didn't want to? 'Please don't be J, please don't be J,' he muttered, half praying. 'Please, God, let it be Shane.' Seconds after the words left his lips, Robbie burst out his door holding the Darth Vader doll Darren had bought him that afternoon.

"Thanks!" he yelled. Darren waved at him, and went into his room, grinning. Shane was right, as usual. Good ol' Shane.

Darren peeled his pants off and hung his shirt carefully in the closet. He pulled a much loved sweater on and jumped into bed. He tossed and turned and gave up after five minutes. Like it or not, he was still stoked from the concert. Everytime he closed his eyes, he heard Robbie singing "I'm a queen's dream," saw him flirting with the crowd, enticing the boys with his limp wrist. Perhaps a walkabout would calm him. He remade his bed and left, not bothering with his pants since he was just going around the hall. Besides, he was running out of clothes.

As he walked, he ran his hand along the wall, tracing the floral border halfway up. The faux cloth pattern tickled his fingertips. He moved slowly, savoring the sensation. He rolled his eyes, realizing how much enjoyment he was getting from wallpaper. 'Probably shouldn't tell anyone about this,' he thought. Daniel would never let him hear the end of it. Come to think of it, his ex-wife wouldn't either. In the meantime, though, the wall was his best friend. He pressed his cheek against it and yawned. The wall was cold, just as he liked, and he sighed as it resonated through him.

"You can't keep doing this!" Stephen shouted. Darren jumped back.

"What?" Ronan said.

"You know what!" Stephen yelled. Darren twisted his head frantically, but he couldn't see them.

"I haven't done anything!" Ronan said. "You know I haven't."

"Lies! Shane told me everything. You think he keeps anything from me?"

Darren stepped into the middle of the hall and the voices faded. He jumped back and there they were. Of course. The voices came from Stephen's room, on the other side of the wall.

"No," Ronan whispered.

"Well, what? Tell me what!" Stephen yelled.

"I want to forget about you, Stephen. I want to lie to you and dust you off and pick you up and see you screaming in front of me, and I want to walk away from you," Ronan cried.

"Then why don't you? Stephen said coldly.

"Because I still need you. This isn't over. Not while I still love you."

"Geez, Ro," Stephen said.

"I only lie when the truth is going to hurt you, Stephen." Ronan said.

Choosing his words carefully, Stephen replied,"Perhaps, then, you should think a little harder before you speak with such alacrity in the future."

Then...nothing. Darren pushed himself from the wall. Red welts remained on his cheek. He rubbed it, embarrassed that he had eavesdropped. Ronan came barrelling out and ran directly into him. He stopped, glaring, his tear stung eyes needling into Darren. Darren started to speak, but didn't know what to say. His tongue caught in his throat and he stared wide-eyed, trepidatious at Ronan. Ronan's fists clenched and released. Darren's heart thudded within him. Ronan shook with unleashed intensity.

"What do you want?" Darren stammered.

Ronan said, "I want to push you."

"Then do it," Darren said, bolstering himself for the blow.

"I will," Ronan said, but he didn't. Instead, he stood away from Darren and did nothing. Darren shook nonetheless.

Finally, Ronan said, "Don't you believe in wearing pants?"

Darren blushed deeply. Ronan snickered.

"So, you and Stephen are over now?" Darren asked. He immediately regretted it as Ronan was on him then, pushing him for real this time.

As he fell into the wall, a crash rumbled from the other end of the hall. Ronan said, "Was that you?"

"No," said Darren. Then.."Robbie!" they gasped. Ronan started running down the hall, but Darren beat him to Robbie's door.

"I've got it." Darren said.

"I can handle it," Ronan said.

Darren took a deep breath. "Ronan," he said, "go away."

Ronan stared at him in disbelief. Then he said, "fine," and walked away slowly, powerfully measuring his steps.

In Robbie's room, Darren tore through the closet, searching for him. He checked the balcony and even looked over it in case, he didn't want to think about the "in case".

He finally found him in the bathtub in his shorts and Darren's Elmo shirt, huddled up in the far end clutching his knees to his chest. He shivered uncontrollably and tears streaked down his pale face onto his knees and down his legs. Darren reached out, tentatively touching him. He jerked away, hitting his head against the ceramic tile on the wall.

"Robert?" Darren whispered, frightened.

Robbie hesitantly looked at him. Darren froze, willing him to say something.

"I'm sorry," Robbie said, almost inaudibly.

"Don't be," Darren said. He wrapped a blanket around him and pulled him up. "I'm taking you to my room. You're not staying here anymore."

Robbie let Darren lead him down the hall. That was the only way of putting it. He wouldn't have made it if Robbie hadn't let him. He wasn't strong enough to take him any other way. He kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" all the way until he stood, trembling, next to Darren's bed. Darren pulled the covers down and Robbie fell onto the bed. He curled into the pillow and broke out sobbing again. Darren stroked his hair and he shrank from the touch.

"What can I do?" Darren said helplessly.

"Make it all right," Robbie mumbled, choking on his tears.

"You have to tell me, Robbie, you have to tell me," Darren pleaded.

Robbie slid under the blankets, hiding himself. Darren touched his back trying wretchedly to comfort him. Robbie jerked away as from a wasp's sting.

"I'm sorry," Darren said. He didn't know what to do. Tonight was so different. He got ready to sleep on the floor. As he laid down, Robbie whimpered.

"Don't leave me!" Robbie flailed frantically, trapped in the covers. Horrified, Darren realized Robbie couldn't see him. 'He thinks I've left!' Darren thought.

Quickly, he rose up. "I'm right here, Robbie. I'm here." Robbie calmed down a little. Darren slid into bed with him. He wanted to pull him close and tell him everything would be alright like Shane had done for him earlier, but he knew Robbie would fight him off and besides, he didn't even know what he was talking about. Even so, he knew that it wouldn't go away with a hug.

"Oh, Robbie, why can't you tell me?" His only reply was Robbie's laboured breathing. Darren waited and, once he was sure that Robbie slept soundly, he laid across his chest and wrapped his arms around him striving to protect him from whatever. He fell asleep with Robbie's heart thumping in his ear.

silentkid@angelfire.com