I was at work one day and needed to make some copies, so walked out of my office and into the reception area of the law office and a woman was standing in the doorway. We didn't have any appointments made that day, so I opened my mouth to tell her she had to make an appointment to see Mr. Astor, attorney at law, when I actually looked at the woman and my words caught in my throat. She was honestly one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen. I adjusted my skirt and ran my hand through my short brown hair in an attempt to look less disheveled than I felt. I flashed a bright smile at her because she was obviously waiting for me to say something but I couldn't muster up the words. Anyone looking in on the silence would have called it awkward. Awkward was the last thing I felt just then. She looked a little confused, and said, "Um, do you work here?", because she had realized I wasn't going to say anything. I finally found words at that time, thank goodness. I felt like a complete dork.
"Yeah, I do. I am Mr. Astor's assistant, Sara Silverwing. Pleased to meet you." I extended my hand and she shook it firmly. "Hi Sara, I'm Alicia. Maybe you could show me around. I'm Mr. Astor's new secretary." She smiled warmly.
"I, um, yeah sure. Come with me." I waved her forward and started walking toward the secretary desk. Holy crap. This amazing woman was going to be working with me everyday and taking part of my workload? Holy crap. I could hardly think. Alicia sat down at her new desk and I told her the password for logging in to the computer. Just then Astor stuck his head out of his office door and spoke.
"Oh, Sharie I forgot to tell you that I hired a secretary. Show her the ropes, would you? Thanks darling." He winked and retreated into his office. I made a disgusted sound under my breath. Alicia looked intuitively at my face.
"He bothers you doesn't he? I noticed he didn't even call you by your name. Not even close." My elated mood had passed all too suddenly.
"Yeah, he actually bothers me alot. You'd think a girl's uncle would know her name, but no. And he says he 'forgot' to tell me? Yeah, right. He can suck my big toe." Alicia looks amused.
"You don't like to cuss, do you?" She asked. My mood softened.
"No not really. I only cuss when I'm in excruciating pain. I was raised to think they're evil." I was also raised to think same-sex relationships were evil, but look at me now. Bona-fide lesbian.
"I guess I was, too, but that didn't stop me." We went back to teaching her how to use the database. I leaned over to point at something on the screen and realized that I could see down Alicia's shirt. I stood up quickly feeling guilty. Don't even, Sara. She's way out of your league. She looked to be older than me, and obviously more mature. My Converse were way out of place in this setting, but her four inch heels said she knew exactly what she was doing here. Just don't. You'll end up getting hurt again like all those other times you've been rejected by straight women. Just don't even. I went back to showing her how to use the database. When she understood completely she thanked me and I was about to walk away when she spoke.
"Hey, what exactly do you do for him?" She gestured toward his closed office door. She seemed genuinely interested.
"I do paperwork and make copies and things like that. Of course, I also get his coffee and his lunch for him, and I used to do everything your going to be doing. Like, writing up legal papers and making appointments and taking phone calls and stuff like that." There was a moment of silence in which she just looked at me, nothing more. Now I know how she felt, except that now its probably awkward for her, too.
"Well if you don't need anything else, I'll just retreat to my office and the growing mound of paperwork. Don't hesitate to come and ask me if you need anything."
"Thanks, Sara." I nodded, adjusted my thick black glasses, and backed into my office. Then I realized that I had left the lawyer's papers that I needed to copy on Alicia's desk. I cleaned up the clutter on my desk and then went to get the papers. I walked up to her desk, we exchanged smiles and I copied the papers. I have no idea why all that was such an embarrassing experience for me. Maybe it was because I had been so preoccupied looking at her to remember my duties.
After that the day passed uneventfully. Sometime in the afternoon she poked her head in my office.
"Wow, you have a really nice office. Anyway, I'm going to go home. Thanks for helping me out today. I really appreciate it, and I'm not just saying that. Thanks, Sara. Bye." I waved dorkishly at her from my desk.
"See ya." Man, I bet I'm astounding her with my witty convo skills. Why did I have to be like that? Couldn't I have thought of something better to say? I thought about kicking myself, but then I remembered that that might actually hurt, so I decided against it. I sighed. Maybe it was for the best that I was such a dork. She wouldn't want me even if I was witty, because I suck. I sighed again. I had to sit here and finish this before I could go home. So I stayed two hours past the time Alicia left.
Then, finally I was done with everything. I tidied up my desk and grabbed my purse. I walked home, which was an apartment two blocks from the law office. My back hurt, and it had been getting worse recently because I had been working longer hours. Today, though the pain was less because of a lightened workload, I still took two pain killers. I decided to go to the bar and relieve some stress of the day. I changed into some skinnies and a tank top first. Then I walked the mile to Ronnie's Bar and Grill. When you walk into Ronnie's, the first two things you smell are alcohol and barbeque. Those are two of my favorite things. I noticed as soon as I came in that the new secretary was sitting at the bar. As I sat down I saw her down a shot. I got a beer and pulled a book out of my purse to read while I drank. I looked over at Alicia and saw her down another shot.
Now that I had seen her face, I realized that she had been crying. And not little-girly-shed-a-single-tear crying either. I mean major heaving red-faced snot-nosed crying. I guessed she was under a lot of stress. I didn't know anything about the woman, except that she has a new job. That means she either moved here recently or got fired from her last job. My bet was that she just moved here. I didn't believe she could have gotten fired. It didn't seem like something that could go with a woman like her. I caught myself looking at her and quickly looked away.
I couldn't afford to torture myself like this. I would either go talk to her or I was going to chug my beer and leave. I looked over at her, trying to talk myself out of going to her. I saw her take another shot and heard a low sob escape her lips. That was all I needed. I put a bookmark in my book and put it away. When I ordered another beer, I walked over and sat in the bar stool next to hers. The bartender gave me the beer and I turned toward Alicia to talk.
"You know, this would probably be better for your sanity than that hard liquor." I said. She turned her drunken face toward me and my heart broke. She looked like absolute crap.
"Thanks, Sara." The bad thing was, she didn't sound drunk at all. She just sounded like she was in pain. She chugged half the beer. Emotional pain, I realized. I was about to ask her if she wanted to talk about it with me, but I was afraid. I saw that something majorly important had happened in her life, and I didn't want to drive her away. Despite my best efforts, I admired her greatly. She was amazing, and I didn't want to be nosy. I searched for the right thing to say.
"You can trust me, you know." I said tentatively. She looked squarely into my face and seemed thoughtful.
"What makes you think I can trust you?" She asked snappishly. I felt like crying. Had I angered her? She didn't look angry, but she also didn't particularly look pleased.
"I, um, I just meant that I , um, wouldn't tell anyone if you wanted to, you know, tell me, um, what's wrong. So I, um, yeah." I think that was the most difficult thing I've ever explained. I also felt embarrassed for stuttering. I looked up from my lap to see Alicia's face and she smiled grimly.
"I can see that you're nervous around me. You don't have to be intimidated by me, and I'm sorry I was so abrasive when you were trying to be nice." She chugged the rest of the beer. I ordered another one, and she was seeming very tipsy at this point. I could tell she wasn't one of those women who was "out of it" when they got drunk. She was the type that was very open and emotional when she was drunk. The strangest thing was, her words never slurred together like mine do when I get drunk, even though in her voice you could tell that she was drunk. It was like her voice got very breathy.
"Okay, I give. I'll tell you what happened."
"I don't remember pressuring you, but go on." I said with a grin. I realized that the grin was misplaced when I saw her facial expression. She seemed to be hesitating. I nodded in encouragement. She took a deep breath to center herself.
"Well, okay. I've been in a... complicated relationship with a man for two years. Our relationship used to be so great." She paused and I saw her face become tracked with tears. "Then he became very distant with me. He wouldn't come home until after I was asleep, and left before I woke up. That's what I would like to think. In all actuality he probably didn't come home at all. I was so fed up with it. I became angry so easily.
"Tonight my mama called, and she said, 'Alicia, Devon is cheating on you. I'm sure of it. He was at the lingerie store and buying something for someone, assuming it wasn't you.' She assumed correctly. I never got any lingerie from him because I never saw him. I got a call from asshole-Astor and he offered me a job as his secretary. I immediately took it. This was before my mama confirmed my suspicions. I was walking home today when she called, and i just couldn't take it, even though part of me already knew. So I came here and spent an ass load of money on booze. Then here came Sara and here we are. The end." She was sounding very drunk by this point. I took her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. She looked up at me through her tears and surprised me by hugging me firmly. Her head rested on my shoulder, and I rubbed her back comfortingly, trying not to think about how romantic this was. After a long time she pulled back and wiped her tears.
"Sara, will you take me home?" She sounded so helplessly desperate for company that I automatically nodded and said yes. This impulsive reaction scared me.
"Um, I uh, don't have a car." I said pathetically.
"That's okay, I need the fresh air." She pushed her hair back behind her ear and got up from the bar stool. She almost fell on her butt. I steadied her and we walked out of the bar after I threw a twenty on the counter. When we stepped out of the building the warm air blew softly across my face. The night air seemed to have a sobering effect on her. She was able to walk on her own, if a bit unsteady. She led me across the crosswalk and we were on our way. We were silent, but our silence wasn't uncomfortable.
I ran my hand through my short brown hair and then I wasn't sure what to do with my hands so I just clasped them behind me. She took off her heels and was walking on the concrete barefoot. She held her heels in one hand and the other hung empty between us. I had a sudden urge to hold her hand, but I squelched it because I had no desire to ruin our new friendship.
That's what I decided this was going to be: a friendship. I was going to be the best friend I could be and hold in my feelings for her. Better yet, maybe they would just fade over time. We walked what I thought to be about a mile and came upon a fancy apartment building, nothing like the shabby place where my apartment was. We came to the front entrance and I was about to say bye and walk away.
"Stay with me?" She asked. Her face was puffy and red, but still incredibly beautiful. I nodded. We went in and got on an elevator. After three dings we got off. What we walked into was an apartment that was entirely too extravagant in every sense of the word. Fancy drapes were hung, and there was a big comfy couch to sit on which I plopped into. Alicia threw her shoes into the floor and laid down on the couch with her head in my lap. At first I was nervous; this woman was pushing my self-control to its limits. I relaxed and tried to remember that we were just friends. At least she had no reason to believe otherwise.
"I have the biggest fucking headache in the history of headaches." She said warily.
"I think it was all the liquor." I said, and she looked up at me and smiled.
"No shit, Sherlock." She said. We both laughed. I tentatively touched her hair.
"You have, like, amazing hair. I could not get my hair to look like that even if I wanted to. Which I don't." I stroked her hair absentmindedly as I was talking.
"I feel like I'm in high school at a sleepover, except now I'm drunk." She burped quietly and then giggled. I laughed. God, she was adorable. Sleepover, huh. Does that mean she wants me to spend the night? Oh, lordie. I don't think I could take much more. No wait, we're just friends, calm yourself. Its not like she wants to go down on you or anything. No, I can't think about that. Ugh! Why did I have to be cursed with this... this... sexual desire! Then I realized that that was all it was.
Sexual. Physical. Not emotional. Not really. I looked down at her, but she had fallen asleep while I was thinking to myself. I realized that I wanted it to be more than physical. I wanted to be her friend. That will be the thing I won't let go of. The emotional desire. She was beautiful in her sleep. Calm. I decided to just relax. I laid my head back against the very comfy couch and closed my eyes.
I was woken up by Alicia sitting up swiftly and then grabbing her head in pain.
"Ow, shiiiiit!" She whined. I tried to blink the sleep out of my eyes. The early morning light seeped in through a crack in the curtains.
"What time is it?" I asked, worried.
"Who the fuck cares? My head hurts way too much for that to be healthy." She said. I looked at the wall clock.
"Holy crap, it's nine o'clock!" I said while jumping off the couch.
"Can't we just skip a day? I don't feel well." She whined. I was sympathetic, but I had a good reason to go to work.
"I can't. If I don't go to work today I won't get enough money in my check to pay my rent!" I was stressing and really just wanted to get out the door.
"Don't worry, I can help with that. I don't even pay the rent on this place, Devon does. So my paycheck is all freed up. But he'll probably stop paying for me once I cut it off with him."
"I don't know about this. How is Astor going to take care of things around there?" I asked nervously.
"He's got this big secret to how he takes care of things when you're not there. Want to hear it?" She waved me closer with her hand and I leaned in. She whispered in my ear: "Who the fuck cares?"
I backed up and put my hands on my hips. She smiled a big comfy smile.
"Soooooooooo. What do you want to do today?" She asked. I looked at her sternly, then my resolve melted.
"Okay, I guess I give. Let's go to the park or something." I said.
"Yes, absolutely, we will do just that after I take two very large pain pills" I chuckled and grabbed my purse so we could go. I knew that I wouldn't have skipped work for anyone but her. It scared me, how vulnerable I was to her every whim. But I had already decided that I was going to be the best friend I can for her, so my vulnerability holds no credence. I knew exactly what i was getting into when I saw her at the bar and went to her to talk.
My inner babble was interrupted when Alicia walked back into the room and said, "Let's go." I opened the door to let her pass. On the way down in the elevator she spoke to me.
"Hey, thanks for staying last night. I really needed someone, and you were there for me." She smiled warmly. I didn't know what to say.
"Uh, no problem. I'm here for you." I looked at the ground and blood rushed to my cheeks at my own comment. Alicia opened the front door and I stepped through. On the way to the park, she spoke again.
"Painkillers should kick in soon." She said. I just nodded. At the park, there was a creek that ran through the whole park, and we picked a nice spot by it to sit. I was immediately comfortable. I sat down at the water's edge and took my socks and shoes off to put my feet in the water. I looked up at Alicia still standing a ways off, and saw that she looked hesitant. I patted the ground beside me.
"The water doesn't bite, and it's not freezing either." I said reassuringly. She looked troubled now.
"It's okay, um, I'll just sit here." She sat down and didn't take her shoes off. I wondered what was up. Apparently she could tell. She looked down into her lap and seemed upset, or maybe embarrassed.
"What's wrong? Is something going on?" I asked.
"You didn't notice last night?" She asked, sounding close to tears. I had no idea what she was talking about, and I told her so, gently. She sighed pathetically and looked scared as hell. She scooted over toward me and took her heels off and quickly plunged her feet into he water.
I tore my eyes from her face to look at her feet, and stifled a small gasp. The small toe on her left foot was gone. No, not gone. It simply looked as if it had never been there. I hadn't even been looking at her feet last night. I looked back up into her eyes and saw years of ridicule and pain there. I leaned forward and kissed her, on the lips.
When I pulled back, she looked upset, and then her expression turned into confusion. The next thing I knew her lips were on mine again, not by my own initiation. She jumped on me, and kissed me with all the intensity of a lover. Her fingers twined through my short hair, and I vaguely realized through my euphoria that tears ran freely down her face. When she finally pulled away, she still had me by the shoulders and was sitting on my lap. Her eyes were puffy and red, and she still looked confused. She was still crying, and I hated that she was hurting. I put my hand on the back of her neck and she cried harder and rested her head in the hollow between my neck and shoulder. I held her until she stopped crying. Then she got off my lap and sat down beside me. She looked into my eyes and I saw that she didn't look sad anymore. She spoke then.
"If you'd have told me yesterday that today I'd be making out with you, I'd have told you that you were crazy." She laughed. I laughed with her, but then she turned serious. "You wanted to do that for a while, huh?" She asked. I shook my head resolutely, and said,
"I told myself I'd just be your friend." I looked at her and she looked hurt. "Only because of how many times I've been hurt by straight women." She looked at me closely.
"I didn't realize I wasn't straight until just now." She said, sheepishly.
"You might have been just acting on raw emotion. It's probably not real. You don't know how many times I've been with a woman and she told me she was just curious and I never saw her again."
"Look at me." She said. I was lost. "Look at me." I looked.
"I am not those women. You have taken care of me more than any person ever has. My parents didn't care what I did. The only way Devon ever took care of me was by handing me his checkbook. I was a trophy for him. This is different." She gestured to both of us. "What I have with you is emotional and heartfelt. I am not those women."
She leaned and kissed me with an emotion that lacked all of the ferocity of our first kiss, and bore such a tender, gentle, caring feeling that I was overwhelmed at first. There was only love. There will only ever be love.