All That Surrounds Me Part 4 - Turn the Page
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Here I am
Angela, you're an idiot. That is what I said to myself. What in hell are you doing here? I was making a huge mistake. The bad part was, I was already talking to the guy. It was too late to back down.
"What do you need exactly?" The plump little man asked. He held the diamond necklace in his hands, examining it. I found him incredibly annoying. He chewed his gum like a cow.
"Well, I need to know how much you can give me for it." I looked him in the eyes, awaiting his response. I just heard the sound of saliva and horse chewing. How disgusting, I thought.
I watched as he looked the necklace over and over. He examined it at least twenty times with the magnifying glass. After three minutes of the nonsense I began to lose my patience. I was aggravated badly enough by having to be in the same room with him. The fact that he made my stay longer brought me to my last nerve.
Finally, he said "fourteen." I raised my eyebrow, confused by his statement. "Fourteen hundred dollars?" I asked. The plump little man began to laugh, and said, "I wish. You're pretty funny." He had a wide smile across his face, and began laughing again.
"Fourteen what? Thousand dollars?" I asked. I was in no mood for jokes. I would murder him if he was not being serious.
"I don't stutter lady. My English is just fine. Fourteen grand. You'd have to gimme a couple of weeks though to get money like that. I'm just a little shop, ya know?" The little man was continuously chewing his gum again. I wanted to bash his head through the glass counter.
Fourteen thousand dollars, I thought. How could Sarah afford money like that? We did not have fourteen hundred, yet fourteen thousand! I was so confused by things. I needed to get out of the shop, I needed to get some air.
I grabbed my necklace off the counter and walked out of the building. The "Palace Pawn Shop" sign was swinging from its original location. I had to duck so it did not hit me in the head.
The little man followed me out and asked, "do you want to sell it or what?" I turned to him, shook my head no and kept walking. He shrugged his shoulders and began to head back inside.
I sat down on the curb, allowing the confusion in me to build up even more. It didn't seem possible, but it was happening. I was completely and utterly bewildered. I did the only thing I could think of at that moment. I prayed to God; please help me understand all that surrounds me.
Feel the Eyes Upon You
"This sucks," Sarah said. She threw her wrench on the grass, and plopped on the sidewalk to my left. Her head fell against my shoulder gently.
"What, you can't fix it?" I asked. I glanced over at the 1974 truck, knowing the thing was a piece of crap. It was older than I was, but Sarah always continued to fix it every time there was a problem. Truthfully, we both knew it had bit the dust.
"I can, but it's not worth it. Too much money for one thing, and the labor would be a bitch. It's about time I trashed this thing anyways. I mean, I can drive it for now, but I need a new vehicle very soon." Sarah lifted her head off my shoulder. I watched as she grabbed a towel and wiped the oil off her hands, furiously scrubbing. After that, she began picking up all the tools that were scattered around the truck.
"Well, how much money are we talking?" I asked. Sarah began to laugh sarcastically, and said, "too much. At least for this hunk of junk." I chuckled slightly, as if I thought it was funny. In reality, the only thing going through my mind was, "yeah, I bet it's not fourteen thousand dollars."
"I thought we were doing okay with money," I said. Sarah was kneeling on the ground, picking up wrenches. She looked up at me and replied, "we are hun." I nodded my head at this. "Oh.... I guess you kinda made it sound like we're going broke."
"Well, it's not like we have money to blow," she said. She kept glancing up at me, knowing something was wrong. I hated her. She always could tell when I had something on my mind. I think my facial expressions gave it away.
"If you have something to say, say it Angela," Sarah said sternly. I noticed there was a dirt smudge on her face. I leaned forward and attempted to wipe it off her cheek. She backed away quickly, giving me an angry glance. I knew I had to tell her.
"Don't play games," Sarah said to me. She was standing directly in front of me, awaiting my response. I just sat there with my chin rested on my knee. I knew she was getting irritable, but I was determined.
"Well, it just seems like you should have bought yourself a new truck before buying me a fourteen thousand dollar necklace," I said nervously. Sarah looked at me with wide eyes, not expecting that comment. "What are you talking about?" She asked.
"You know, the diamond necklace you got me for our anniversary? Remember?" Sarah sighed as though she knew this moment would come. "Ah, fuck." She worded. I looked at her in disgust.
"Come on Sarah!" I said. "They were real diamonds. Did you expect me to never find out? You might as well have put the receipt in the box." She was looking down at the ground, avoiding my eyes. I was livid, and not nearly done yelling.
"You know I am not one for fancy gifts! Especially one that costs fourteen thousand dollars!" I was yelling at the top of my lungs, outside, in broad daylight. I didn't really care if all the neighbors were watching and listening.
"Money was not the factor! I wanted you to have something nice, okay?" Sarah was becoming rather defensive. You could hear it in her voice.
"Money is definitely a factor, Sarah! We don't have fourteen thousand dollars! Or however much. It probably costed about 18 or 19!" I was so angered by her irresponsibility. I wanted to punch her arms and flail at her like a madman.
"Sixteen," Sarah replied. "Oh, Great! Fucking great...How could you blow so much money!?" I said, waving my hands in the air in defeat. How were we going to afford sixteen thousand dollars? I was already working double shifts twice a week just to have a little extra money. I mean, I was flattered by the gift, but seriously pissed off.
"It has already been paid for," she said. I looked over, seeing her lean against the door of the truck. Her eyes were squinting as she looked over to me.
"What the hell are you talking about? Where did you get sixteen thousand dollars?" I asked. I stared at her in the eyes, wondering what the hell was going on.
"I had some money in the bank. It's been there for a while," she said. My eyes averted Sarah's way, despising her more and more. Not only because she was so damn gorgeous, but because I loved her so much. When things like this happened, it just ripped me apart. I hated fighting with her and constantly badgering just to know a few things.
But this...this was ridiculous.
"Bullshit, Sarah. You need to tell me the truth right now. I want to know what is going on. Either you tell me, or I'm gone." My knees went weak. I couldn't think of leaving her. I loved her too damn much.
"That isn't a very fair ultimatum. Your demands are rather high," Sarah stated. I laughed at this. "My demands are high?" I asked sarcastically. "All I want to fucking know is the truth! I didn't know I was asking for the impossible. The only thing I have wanted for years was the truth. To know why you're so goddamn secretive, where your family is at, and where the fuck you got sixteen thousand dollars from! If that is too much to ask for, then I don't know why I gave you that ring."
Sarah let out a very deep guttural sigh, as she always did under great pressure.. She held her face in her hands, trying to hide herself from the situation. It was not going to work. For once, I was going to know some things.
"I had some money left to me by my father when he died.. Are you happy now?" She asked. I ran my hands through my hair. It was the first time she had ever talked about her father. I felt dismal and guilt. I had obviously brought up a touchy subject.
"How did he die?" I asked. She was leaning her back against the truck, suppressed, restraining to think of such ill related thoughts. I wanted so badly to hold her in my arms and tell her it was okay, that she could let go. But, I knew that would never happen.
"It's not important," Sarah said, grimacing. I watched her turn her face the other way, trying to block me out. God, what was she thinking? I wanted to release all her pain and be her savior. If only she would let me.
"It is very important," I replied. I knew it was then that I had to tell her. I walked over to my car, popped open the glove box, and pulled out the newspaper clipping I had copied.
"And so is this," I said, handing it to her. She read it for a moment, then handed it back to me. "I don't know what the hell that is," was her response. Confused, I followed her as she walked around the truck and went back to picking up things off the ground.
"I think there is a real answer here. I need to know. This is really serious. You can't just keep this bottled inside day and night." I was trying to show my concern to her. She seriously needed to talk to somebody. Sarah had no idea how deeply she was wounding herself. I knew, because I had been doing it for years.
"You know, I don't sit here and lecture you about the shit you don't tell me. You don't talk about your family, but I understand that. I know they are complete ass holes. So don't stand here and give me shitty ultimatums."
She stared at me for a moment, and then said, " Don't you understand that I can't tell you Angela? I wish I could, but I just can't. If you want to leave, go for it. I completely understand." I stared at her in disbelief, totally surprised by her words.
"Why can't you just tell me? Why?" I was choking back the sobs. It felt like my lungs were closing in while Sarah just stood there, ignoring my questions.
God, I couldn't handle this. I wanted nothing more but to break down and cry. I was risking the one person in the world that I loved unconditionally. I could not bear waking up every morning without seeing her next to me. I just couldn't. On the same idea, I could not just let things be. If I did not care for her, I wouldn't be concerned at all. There was much more to the situation than being a nosey hypocrite.
"Why can't you talk about your life, Ange? Huh? Why do you cringe whenever another male is in the room? Why don't you even consider calling your folks? You think I don't know what that asshole did to you? I see it in your eyes."
I just stared at her. My world was closing in on me. It felt like I had been stabbed in the chest fifty times.
"Fuck you," I whispered desperately.
"No, fuck you...Or did your daddy already do that enough?"
And just when you think the knife can't go any deeper, it does.
I sat down on the grass, crying. I didn't know what to think anymore. Her words were becoming more hurtful than her secrets.
"You know what? Don't bother leaving. I will," said Sarah.
My heart sank as I watched her walk to her truck. "Please, don't walk away," I cried. Sarah opened the door and turned to me.
Just before getting in she stated, "Sometimes I think you tend to forget how much I love you. Other days, it seems like you take it for granted."
I watched the door close and the gear shift move. I could only fight back the sobs as the love of my life drove away, leaving me standing there alone.
Pretend It Doesn't Bother You
"You cant go on like this," said Marcus. He was slowly pacing back and forth in front of Sarah. She was sitting on his couch, slouched and drained. It was like something had sucked out all the life in her.
Marcus stopped and looked her directly in the eyes. "Look, you and I both know that you love her, right? Well, then you have two choices. You can, a: remain with her and tell the truth, or b: break things off. If you don't do either, you're digging yourself a hole much deeper than you can imagine. You keep putting these things off and you're only making it harder."
Sarah turned her body away from him while holding a straight face. There was no expression, just the tough exterior that she always presented.
"You have to understand that when I became involved with her, I never knew it would be this serious. I never dreamed that I wouldn't want to go on without her," Sarah said. She remained expressionless, trying to figure things out.
"You know, I fucked up today," she said. "Some of the things I said to her...they were...they were bad, Marcus."
He smiled and said, "Who doesn't fight? Everybody gets mad and says screwed up shit from time to time. You're human."
"I've never talked to her like that before. It was so unlike me...but she kept on pushing and pushing. She wants to know about all this shit going on in my life, and I can't tell her. I can't risk her life like that. I refuse to put her in a position where she can get hurt."
"Why don't you let her decide what she wants to do?" Marcus asked. Sarah turned her face to him, already knowing the answer. It was obvious she had thought it over a million times. "Marcus, I can't. She will say yes and I know it. There is no way I can allow Angela to do that. If she dies, I will never be able to live with myself."
"Sarah, listen to me. If she is willing to go to any boundaries to be with you, then why not? It is her life to decide, not yours. If you can't do that, at least tell her the truth. She deserves that much." Sarah nodded, realizing Marcus's perspective.
After letting thoughts linger in her mind a moment, she rose silently. Sarah leaned forward and hugged Marcus tightly. "You know," she said while still embracing him. "If I was straight, I'd do you."
Marcus began to laugh hysterically, and said, " gee, thanks."
A Million Miles Away
I stood behind the counter, filled with hope, yet despair. I prayed that she would come back to me, but the blood rushing through my veins felt different. It felt like it would stop flowing at any minute.
All day long, five words kept lingering through my mind. "You take me for granted." I wanted to believe that was false, but it was not. Her being gone the past two weeks had made me realize many things. Sarah had always given undying passion in our relationship, and I just expected it. I never came to realize how I would go on without it. There was so much that she had put immense effort into, and just like the blink of an eye, it disappeared. Things like warm touches, steamy glances, and the most loving affection I could ever receive.
Then there were the small things that drove me insane. The blankets that she always completely ravished, the lights she constantly left on, or the way she squeezed from the top of the toothpaste. I even wanted those things back again. Without them, I felt like I could not breathe.
I loved her so much it hurt.
"Earth to Angela," Rob said. He was flailing his hands directly in front of my face. "I have been trying to get your attention for the past two minutes. Are you out to lunch today or what?" I had not even noticed him. "Jesus, we got a space cadet on our hands," teased Rob.
"You got a table over in the corner. They need a waitress. Preferably a sane one. Can you do that?" He asked jokingly. I turned to him and sincerely said, "I hope so."
Every Ounce of Energy
The pillow was damp with tears, but I really did not care. I could wash it. The only thing that mattered was the rest of the bed, and it was empty. Tell me how I could fix that problem.
I thought about the girl I was six years ago. I was a shy, quiet, obedient, unprepared, naive, credulous, close - minded, ignorant child who was extemporaneous and not ready for the real world. Then I met Sarah and became the woman I am now. Liberal, wise, outspoken, aware, and in love.
No matter what I had said or what I had done in the past, I needed her love.
My tears continued to fall. I had been crying so hard for so long, I worked myself into a tremble. I had never known pain so deep. It was the first time I had loved somebody more than myself.
The first time we split up was nothing like this. Sarah would call work and chase me down. I knew she wanted me back. This time was a complete shut off. No late night drunken scenes, no extreme phone calls or work visits. There was only distance and wounds of despair.
I buried my face into the pillow, trying to forget everything. I tried not to think about her warm hands and beautiful eyes. I tried to block out her soft lips and eccentric personality. I tried not to think about her; Sarah.
Suddenly, I felt arms swiftly wrap around my waist. Shocked with fear, I turned over rapidly. I was surprised to look up and see the electrifying blue eyes and sensual smile.
My heart fluttered and mind turned to haze. I tried to concentrate and ask how she got in, or ask why she came back, but it was useless. I didn't matter. She was here and that was all I was thinking about.
I stared at Sarah intensely, having the most powerful urge to kiss her. To just wrap my arms around her and crush my lips into hers. The restraint was becoming harder and harder to handle.
We just laid in the bed staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, I reached forward and touched her face. A face that I had missed so deeply. A face that I had sketched in my mind over and over again, knowing a million years from now, I could still never forget it.
My hand slid gently across her smooth skin. God, how I missed this. My heart had screamed for these moments. The weakening in my knees, the burning of her eyes, sexual tension that even after five years, still existed.
A tear traveled down my cheek. I knew that it seemed ridiculous to cry, but it was nothing short of rational. I cried for all the joy, pain and every other feeling traveling through my body. There were just too many emotions to define.
"Angela," Sarah whispered as my hand lingered on her face. She placed her palm over mine. Her grasp tightly held me, and I prayed that she would never let go.
"I'm sorry," she worded. I looked at her for another moment, and couldn't resist myself. I leaned forward and kissed her passionately. I did not care if she ever told me about her past. I didn't care if she was accused of killing a man, or what happened to her mother. The only thing I cared about any longer was her, being with me, and allowing me to return the love she so tenderly gave.
I ended the kiss and could hear her breathing heavily. "Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry," I said. After that, I began kissing her lips again, feeling the heat that so dramatically existed between us.
Turn That Page
"We need to talk," she said. I glanced over at Sarah who was still completely dressed. I realized that I fell asleep in her arms last night. "Okay," I replied tiredly. I looked at the alarm clock which said 7:44 a.m. Oh god, I thought... urge...need coffee. Most definitely.
I put on a pair of shorts and headed for the kitchen. I was happily surprised by a fresh pot of coffee already made. "God, I love Sarah," I thought as I began to pour the hot liquid into my cup. The aroma was filling my senses and making me happy. It was the best morning I had in months.
"We need to end it," she said. Confused, I turned around from the counter in shock. Suddenly the coffee cup slipped from my hands. I watched it fall to the floor and shatter. The liquid burned my ankles and ran across the tile. I could have cared less about the burning sensation in my feet. I was more concerned with the bullet that just shot through my heart.
"What are you talking about?" Fear was going through my arms, legs, chest, loins, brain. I could never describe the feeling. It was just... horrid.
"I can't be with you anymore Angela. I have to put an end to us." I stared in her eyes, bewildered by the harsh rejection. I had never felt so unwanted.
"I will never ask you about the past again. Look, I know I made mistakes, but I am ready to move on. I know that I was walking on forbidden grounds, and I will never take advantage of that again. I just want to be with you...please." I was begging. I knew that soon I would fall to my knees in despair.
"It doesn't matter. It just can not be anymore. It's not because you, or because I don't love you or don't want you. That is not case. Its just an obligation," she stated. Fuck obligations, I thought to myself.
"Why?" I asked. "At least tell me why you're throwing away five and a half years. Tell me this obligation." Sarah knew it was time. The inner demons were awaiting to be released, and I deserved to know what the hell was going on.
"This is gonna take awhile," she said. I watched her sit down on the couch and take a deep sigh. I sensed the nervousness as she shuddered.
"God, I didn't want to do this," she said. Sarah held her head in the palm of her hands, unprepared for such emotion. "I just need to get it over with..."
The Story -
"My father had sole custody of me most of my life, and I very rarely seen my mother. She had told him she didn't have time for a child. So he raised me, and brought me up with good ethics. He was the best damn man I had ever known." Sarah glanced at the ground, avoiding eye contact. It was obvious it was something she really didn't care to discuss.
"When I was 16, he died. I had no choice but to move in with my mother, which at first wasn't so bad. She had an average house and all that good stuff. She really wasn't home too often because she was a tour guide, but I didn't mind."
"One day she took a trip to Italy, but didn't come back alone. That is where she met Joseph Berenna. At first I thought he was just another boyfriend, but I found out much more . He was going to pay her 4 million dollars to marry him. Apparently he needed access to the United States to open his plantations. It required him to have a green card, and one year citizenship. So, obviously my mother agreed to this deal, and after a year they would divorce and everybody would be happy.
"I was not real fond of the guy, but we were going to have money. So I showed him courteous manners and respect. I tried my hardest to not screw things up.
"After Joseph knew I had figured things out, he became abusive. He would try to hit me and grab me. He would yell and scream at my mother, telling her what a nuisance I was. One day I came home and found her lying on the floor, beaten to bloody hell. Apparently he told her that I had to move out and she refused to put her daughter out on the streets.
"Around that time, I had a very serious relationship. It was a girl from school and I was very in love with her. This one day we were on the couch and I was kissing her. I had my hand down her jeans and Joseph walked in the door."
My heart was pounding. The story only became more and more painful to hear.
"When Joseph seen her and I he began to beat the shit out of me. He punched me in the face and threw me against the wall. I pulled a knife on him and held it against his throat. I told him if he ever touched us again that I would castrate him.
"With that, he stopped kicking my ass and I grabbed his car keys. Amy and I ran. I wanted to get away for as long as possible. I took money out of his ATM and got us a motel. We were gone for about a week before Amy wanted to go back. She needed to get back to school. So, I took her home and went back as well. But, when I arrived there I heard yelling and screaming. I seen Joseph kicking my mother as she laid on the ground, yelling at her.
"`You raised a fucking dyke, congratulations. The kid is a fucking looney. She stole my car and my money. I've got every other cop in the state looking for that bitch. If they don't shoot her, I'm gonna do it myself. If you were a fucking mother at all, it wouldn't be like this.'"
"I remember walking in and saying, `If you were half a man at all, you wouldn't be beating the shit out of a woman.' And that is when he came after me. I fought back and he pushed me through a window. I was lucky we weren't upstairs, because otherwise I wouldn't be alive."
Her words were getting more and more emotional, but she still hadn't cried. Sarah had to keep that tough exterior.
"I got up and went back in the house. I knew I needed to call the police. I was dizzy, bleeding, but most of all, I was scared like hell. So I grabbed something close by. The first thing I found was a log outside the we used for the fireplace.
When I went back in, I found him choking my mother. So, I did what I had to do. I batted that thing as hard across his face as I could. I could tell immediately that he was dead, but my mother still had a pulse. I called 911, and she ended up dying on the way to the hospital."
I watched her as she began to mildly break down. It only took her a few seconds to gain back her composure, but I knew inside she was a catastrophe. God, how I wanted to hug her tightly and never let go.
"But, there is much more to the story. The police thought that I had killed them both. Apparently Joseph had no family except my mother, and no will. So all of his money was to go to me."
I stared in shock. There was no way.
"Wouldn't that mean then that..." I stuttered. Sarah looked at me and said, "I have 27 million dollars in stocks, bonds, cd's and property. I have never touched one dime of it."
I could only continue to gawk, wide eyed, unsure. The only thing running through my mind was "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.".
"The charges ended up getting dropped because there wasn't enough evidence to hold it against me. Plus, Joseph's hand prints were on my mothers neck."
"When I stole Joseph's car, he pressed charges. After he died, I still had to serve time. I spent about 2 and a half years in lock up. Not only did he do that, but he sent a hit man after me, Peter Boncelli. Before he could try to kill me, I went to jail on the counts from Joseph. I pleaded guilty and Marcus got me a deal. He has been my lawyer for years."
I nodded. It all made so much sense.
"Marcus and my dad were best friends. That is how I know him so well. He is a great guy," she said. "Anyways, when I was in lock up, Peter was caught by the police. He served 9 years for attempted murder. He gets out in August and never leaves a job unfinished. He wants that money. Which is another reason I put every last dime of it in stocks and bonds."
I wanted to cry.
"I don't get it..." I said. "The papers all say one thing, and then what you say is completely different." "Well," she said. "That is because the press are idiots. They will write down anything. Plus, Joseph fed them garbage for years."
"So, what you're saying is that you have all this money, and this Peter guy is going to try to kill you for it?" I was unsure of what to do or say. It was all so much to take in at once.
"Yes."
I looked up for a moment and rubbed the back of my neck. It was like a thick mist of air had gone through the room and I was having a hard time breathing.
"One last thing," I said. "Your girlfriend...you said her name was Amy?" Sarah took her gaze from the ground and averted it to my eyes. "Amy," she nodded.
I felt the knot in my throat, and tried to swallow it. I kept thinking about the girl who I caught Sarah kissing. We had ran into her at a bar and she had said they were old friends.
"Why didn't you tell me before?" I asked. "Because I wanted to avoid jealousy issues." Sarah's eyes were pleading me to understand. I guess in a way I did, but I didn't want to. "She told me that she was still in love with me. I felt guilty...and..."
I moved my gaze away from hers. I couldn't look at her. "She had left me after I went to jail. She wrote me a letter telling me she had met a guy and wanted to get married. So, it was weird hearing her say it after all these years. I don't know...maybe part of me wanted her again."
I wanted to throw myself off a cliff. I prayed god would put me on Mt. Everest, just so I could lunge myself off.
"Maybe part of me will never let her go. But I know that deep down, I will never love anybody like I love you." Yeah, now she was trying to butter me up....and was doing a hell of a job.
"That is why I have to say good bye," she said. I looked at her, pleading with my eyes that she didn't go. If she only knew how I felt, and that I would give up everything. I would go anywhere, I would risk all I owned...
"I don't care if something happens to me. I would rather be with you," I said. "Look at me Sarah. I love you. Do you hear me? I love you and I'm telling you. I don't care about the money and all that. I don't care if you ever take it out of the bank. I don't care if you think that it's too dangerous. What I do care about is us. I care if I can't see you every day, and I can't touch you. So, I swear to god, If you leave me, I will kill you myself."
Sarah rose from the couch and walked over to me. She softly pressed her lips against mine. We sat there for a few minutes, just touching and holding each other. She was softly whispering comments like "I never meant to do this to you, I love you." It only made me cry harder when she wiped away my tears.
Then she gave me one last kiss. It felt like a good bye.
I watched as she grabbed the door handle. "Understand my choice," she said. "If you were to die tomorrow, I would only see my guilt. I would know you died because of me. That is not something I'm prepared to cope with."
I seen the handle turn, burning under her fingertips. A tear was streaming down her cheek. Sarah never cried, but at that moment, she was. The moment she opened that door, she broke down.
"I'm so sorry..."
I barely remember her car driving away. I hardly recall throwing the pillows around and screaming at the top of my lungs. What I do remember like yesterday was the way she whispered "I love you," just before closing the door all the way.