AND STILL IN LOVE
B J Courtney
Part Five -- Guilt & Callousness
Somewhere about five Gareth woke on the unfamiliar sofa and slowly adjusted to where he was. It took a few minutes for him to get his thoughts together. The beer and uncomfortable sleeping position left him confused. Slowly his eyes adjusted to the room and he realised where he was. The chink in the curtains allowed a small beam of yellow light across the floor in front of him. He became aware of the dryness of his mouth as he realised where he was. He pulled the duvet around him and cuddled up over the arm of the chair. He listened to James' quiet breathing as he pondered what had happened the previous night. It was the first time in his life that he had drunk so much, the first time he had danced with another bloke and, he allowed himself a small smile, the first time he had ever sucked a cock. For many years he had dreamed and wished he had a cock to suck and suddenly it had all come through and it felt good. As he pulled the duvet even tighter about himself he thought about how thoughtful it was of James to get this for him. The room was cold but James must have woken earlier and covered him up. This guy was really kind and Gareth liked him.
He didn't remember drifting back to sleep and was shocked when Barry shook him awake at about eight.
"Come on boys it's eight o'clock and time yis were both up!" He called, "don't want the pair of you slacking off work just because it's Friday!"
James sat up and cupped his head in his hands.
"Fuck me I feel rotten!" he declared.
"Pisshead!" Barry replied unsympathetically and walked out.
The two young men looked at each other and locked eyes. Gareth hoped for something but was disappointed that James wasn't returning his enthusiastic smile.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" James muttered, "we're going to be late! I'll see if I have a fresh shirt for you and we better get out of here quick."
With that he stumbled into a standing position letting the duvet fall in a heap at his feet. Gareth watched as he left the room. He wasn't the most experienced in the world but he had heard all these stories about blokes having one-night stands and then playing the 'sorry mate I was a bit drunk' card the next day. As quickly as they had found themselves sucking cock last evening they would now be parting ways probably to see each other no more.
James returned with a stiff white shirt in his hand. He threw it to Gareth and silently he dressed. In equal silence they walked towards the tube station at Baron's Court. The silence was very uncomfortable and Gareth wanted to say something.
"About yesterday..."
"Please don't say it!" James stopped him just as he started.
"All I was going to say was thanks!"
James made no reply and the air seemed to become even colder between them. Gareth decided not to push the issue, this was going nowhere. He would be back in school on Monday and would probably never see James again. London is a big town and there was plenty of space to avoid each other.
When they got to the office Andrea gave Gareth some work to do on forwarding counsels' opinions to clients. They made interesting reading but all in all they kept him away from James' workplace and kept his mind off the disappointment that he felt. It had been a great week with so many good things but now it all seemed like shit. He thought he had fallen in love but now he knew he hadn't. Lunchtime would soon be here and he was finished, he would never see James again and he would forget him very soon.
Lunchtime came, eventually, and Gareth hadn't forgotten James. He walked around the office saying his goodbyes to the staff. Purposefully he left James until last. He walked over to James' desk and held out his hand.
"Thanks for everything!" he said quietly.
James reached his hand out but never lifted his head, "see ya around!" he replied and quickly withdrew his hand and returned to his work.
Gareth loitered a moment and felt saddened that the man hadn't even looked at him. "Not if I see you first!" he muttered quietly and walked away.
Andrea led him up to Mr. Roberts' office and the man gave Gareth a cheque for £200. "I know we're not supposed to give you this and I would appreciate if you didn't mention it to my son but Ms. Kirk was very impressed with your work, you'll do well. Thank you!"
Gareth cashed the cheque and sat into a small café to have a coffe and a sandwich. The money would be welcome at home but he had a score to settle. He had drank six beers in the pub with James, that cost £10.80, the wine cost £4.99 and the video £2. There were four cans of Heineken to count in as well, they cost 89 pence in the supermarket and all in all it had cost James £17.85 to be with him. He bought a small envelope in the newsagents and placed the exact amount inside. He left the envelope at reception in Roberts & Grimes with James' name on it. He thanked the door security man and turned on his heels. He had misjudged the character and was now delighted to be rid of him!
But things were not going to be that easy!
*** Gareth's point-of-view
It was always my dream to meet a guy who would be my friend and companion. When I met James during the work placement from school I genuinely thought that I had met somebody that I could identify with and maybe even love. I wanted to find a man who could be something more to me than just a friend, I wanted somebody who was strong and maybe even controlling like Michael Roberts. Until I met James I always thought that I would like to be with Michael but that changed when I met James. There was something about James that I couldn't quite put my finger on. He was underweight and a bit of a geek but there was something about him that attracted me to him.
I couldn't believe my luck when I found out that he was gay. Sure he wasn't into flying a rainbow kite or anything but that night in the pub I thought that something was developing and as we danced and laughed back at his place I thought we could get somewhere.
And we did! We got as far as getting to his room and he allowed me to suck his dick. I now realise that that was all it was, he ALLOWED me to suck his dick. I wanted to give him pleasure and show him how much I could appreciate him but he just wanted somebody to suck him and the next day he acted as if nothing had happened. I was devastated and felt cheap. He had paid for everything we did that evening and he got a blowjob in return. I thought I was a slut for doing it, so I gave him his money back and decided that I could dismiss him as much as he dismissed me. I thought that clearing the balance would help me forget him, but it didn't. Every night after that I thought about him to the point that he was becoming an infatuation. Before I met James I always fantasised about different blokes but suddenly none of them meant anything to me any more. Years of wanking fantasies created around actors and lads I knew faded into the past. There were no more days when I could lie there and think about being in bed with Ryan Giggs, Tom Cruise or Michael Roberts. I tried but every time I closed my eyes I saw James again. I began to learn what it was to hate somebody. This man had taken my dignity and treated me as a slut and now he invaded and controlled my fantasies although he clearly didn't want to be there. Destroying my dignity was one thing, destroying my dreams was another.
*** James' point-of-view
Gareth Fitzpatrick was an amazing person. I met him when he was on a work-placement from school at the company wherein I was enslaved. Yes I use the word enslaved for my employment. It was a miserable time in my life. Part of me wanted to scream freedom and part of me needed to conform to what society had marked me out to be. Don't get me wrong, there was plenty in this for me, I'm not naïve. Here I was at 22 years of age, an heir to a substantial estate with a strong educational background behind me. Conformity was in my interests and there was nothing that I was willing to do that would ever jeopardise that. I was a public-school boy with a secure future and I had no intention of rocking any establishment to its foundations.
When I moved to London I discovered a new level of freedom that I had never really expected. Ever since the days when I was in school I knew that I had a sort of wild streak in me, but it was a wild streak that screamed 'don't conform' and in the secret part of me that is a place where nobody else may go I hated conforming to the demands of my upbringing, education and chosen career. Gareth was a sharp invasion of that secret world. The day I admitted to him in the pub that I was gay built up a barrier to him that he never suspected. What happened next was to punish him for that invasion. I might have had a few drinks taken but I was no fool at controlling a situation. I had this queer in front of me and I played a game with him. I longed to have somebody to willingly kneel between my legs and pleasure me, and Gareth Fitzpatrick had exposed himself to me a bit too far that evening. It was good to admit out loud that I wanted to be with a bloke. I was insecure about it but I knew that Gareth was even more insecure than I was so in hindsight it was a hasty but safe confession to him.
The one part I hadn't considered was the morning after. I assumed incorrectly that he would simply disappear embarrassed by the fact that he had sucked me off the night before. When we woke beside each other on the sofa the next morning I regretted what I had done, I had got what I wanted but hadn't thought about how to get rid of the character the next day. I realised that I would never have a good criminal mind because I didn't know how to cover my tracks!
Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble here. I had a very good evening with Gareth and a fantastic blowjob! He didn't go away the next morning but when he left a package for me at security I realised that he was gone. He had calculated how much I had spent on him and refunded it. That brought the closure I needed. He was gone, had said goodbye and acted to close the episode. I could now return to normality.
At that stage I had no regrets about Gareth. I had used him and cast him aside but didn't really care because he had got what he wanted as well. My only regret was that sometimes I felt n opportunity had passed me by too quickly. I longed for the day when I could get the chance to bugger a bloke, to ram my dick into a willing and receptive arse. Gareth had presented that opportunity and I had closed off the possibility just a bit too early. We had incomplete business but it was too late to change it.
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Reader's comments can be very constructive, there's more erotic content in later chapters but I like to get readers inside the heads of my men so they can really enjoy the sex scenes, if you have opinions please send them on to me at jc23a@hotmail.com