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Assmunch
With Wanker squared away, I made my way down the hall toward the meeting spot where Sleeper waited. I glanced behind me to see the huge form of Zeus entering the door behind which Wanker waited. I sure hoped I was right about both Wanker's problem and Zeus' situation. My reputation as the asshole whisperer was hanging in the balance.
The truth was I had never had a problem with dudes that were gay. I knew one guy in high school who was an amazing dude. Kevin Copeland. He sat next to me in English and History senior year, and he was pretty smart. Not the same kind of smart as Bootlicker, who was crafty and big-brained about facts. No, Kevin was quick but quiet, a thinker, puzzle solver who knew what made people tick. He was always watching people with eyes that rarely stopped moving, making me think of the hands of a clock driven by wheels and gears in his brain clicking along tirelessly with every second of every minute. His dry humor cracked me up too many times, which always got me into trouble in class. He'd mumble a few words out of the side of his mouth during the teacher's lecture and a few seconds would go by while my mind connected the dots and I'd get hit with an involuntary laugh, after which Kevin's lips would twitch in an almost unnoticeable grin. At first I thought he got a kick out of getting me in trouble, but later I figured out he just liked making me laugh and that I was someone who understood him. I'm pretty sure that's why he eventually made a move on me.
Kevin was kind of a loner and that always surprised me because he wasn't a bad looking guy. I mean, I'm not in the habit of checking out dudes or anything, not back then anyway, but Kevin was well put together. He was shorter than me by a couple inches, dark almost black hair that he let grow long, just past his shoulders. It was naturally wavy and thick, looking both wild and tamed at the same time, resting on his shoulders. I kinda envied his hair. My dad would never let me grow my hair long like that. Frequently, almost as an unconscious habit, he'd pull it back from his face, raking his long fingers along his scalp to draw the length back across the top of his head to get it out of his face. When he did, it allowed me to see the square corner of his jaw below his ear, its straight edge solid and crisp all the way to his chin. Sometimes he'd have his hair pulled back in a warrior's knot, the sides and top tied up in ball towards the top of the back of his head, the back hanging loose to his shoulders. It looked really cool, and one day I told him how good it looked, like a Viking or the Huns we learned about in World History. I got a direct look from his grey eyes and a full smile, both of which were rare things from him. After that he started coming to school with a warrior's knot more often. I don't know if he did that for me, or because it was easier for him to manage, or he wanted to look good for himself, I just knew it was fucking cool as hell.
Kevin had the grunge look. You know, loose jeans, tee shirt, plaid flannel long sleeve tied around his waist, some kind of hiking boot on his large feet. I could never figure out how a guy that was 5'9" came out with size 11 feet. Hell, I was 5'11" (okay, 5'10" & 1/2... so sue me for lying about a half inch. ) and I only wore 9&1/2's. When he didn't wear a jacket (always some black leather biker's thing, or a ragged jeans fabric) you could see he had a dense, sturdy body. Heavy, thick shoulders and arms that were more solid than beefy and muscular. His chest was also thick but without defined pecs like mine. His waist followed the pattern, not fat but still narrower than his shoulders and chest and thick. He had a good butt, if you like that sort of thing and strong legs I later learned came from his love of skateboarding. He obviously didn't work out and I couldn't really say he needed to. Like his hair, his attitude , personality and his clothes, his body was a statement of casual strength, not too much effort or attention required as if it just climbed onto him every morning as a whole thing from a pile of comfortable parts. If I had to use one word to describe him, I guess the word was Comfortable. That's the way he looked, talked, moved, and felt inside my head.
Now, it might seem like I focused way too much on how Kevin looked, talked, moved and felt, but in all honesty it wasn't anything I did consciously until after... well... IT... happened. I still remember everything about that day in vivid detail.
School started like any other day, with me hanging out with my friends in front of the cafeteria, waiting to go into the building next door for our first class. We all got to school early so we could hang out and talk about classes, girls, the weekend, and our problems. Kevin wasn't in our group, like I said he was a loner. Probably because we were all your typical high school jackasses and Kevin wasn't that kind of guy. Because it was November I was between football and baseball seasons, so there was no practice. Twoadays never left me with time to screw around with my friends who weren't on the team. Yeah, I was technically a jock, but I just played because I loved the games and competition. I wasn't on some path to sports superstar. No college was going to recruit me. My stats were just average, I wasn't physically exceptional (hint - if you're under 6' you'd better be exceptional in performance and stats to even get a glance by a college) and I didn't have the drive. Besides, I'd always figured I'd join the Army like my dad when I got out of high school. Maybe that's why I didn't put my all into sports. I liked being part of the team, and the girls loved jocks, and high school was easier when you were a jock. Not all jocks had their eyes set on turning pro, some of us did it for all the other reasons and rewards, like Saturday night blowjobs and young perky tits in your face.
When the 15 minute bell rang, we all started going towards the door to the building. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kevin running towards the building from the parking lot, so I waited. He wasn't sprinting, but his loping strides ate up the distance without any effort showing on his face. I watched as his leather jacket blew open from the wind, his flat solid stomach and hips rotated with each thrust of his thick legs, the plaid shirt tied around his waist flapping behind him. Three necklaces bounced on his upper chest. It struck me that just like every other aspect of him, he ran comfortably, casually, but with a power and strength that looked easy. It was a weightless glide, not some angry or violent action. I remember that word appearing in my head when I watched him: weightless. Comfortable and weightless.
I was surprised how soon he reached me, it had to have been just five seconds.
"Thanks " Calm. Softly spoken. As if he hadn't just done a 40 yard dash in five seconds without even trying.
"Dude. You ever think about running track? You're fucking fast." I watched his chest and stomach. Not even breathing a little hard.
He looked at me from the corners of his eyes, his face pointed towards my hand on the open door. Looking people in the eye was not Kevin's thing. "Track." He paused. Then, "track shorts". Another pause. "Absolutely not."
As usual, my mind took its usual three count to put it all together, and I barked out a laugh. The image of this guy in those high cut, tight shorts, and a tank top was ridiculous. His riveting eyes darted to mine and he did that momentary slight grin.
"Good point. The shorts are ridiculous." I waved him through the door ahead of me. The image of him gliding weightlessly in his track outfit flashed into my head again. "But you'd still make them look good." I mumbled unconsciously.
"What?" He stopped, and I ran into him.
"Dude!" I complained.
He took a step and turned around. "What did you say?" He was looking me straight in the eye. He had some crazy long dark eyelashes. They made his grey eyes stand out so much. He looked surprised.
I shook my head. "Huh? I said good point, they're ridiculous."
He was still staring at me. This was the longest he'd ever looked me in the eye. It made me a little uncomfortable, but at the same time I couldn't look away. I remember specifically getting caught in his eyes, thinking how they looked like soft grey flannel. He had soft eyes.
"After that. You said something after that." He uttered with a breathy whisper. Calm. Steady. Weightless.
I thought back, a puzzled look on my face. "No I didn't." Seriously, I couldn't remember saying anything after that. "At least I don't think I did. What did you hear?"
He seemed to be searching my face for something, those thought-filled eyes moving back and forth, the clockwork inside his skull turning. I felt like he was taking me apart, piece by piece, looking under the rusty hood. It should have felt intense, like an attack, that stare of his went so deep into me. I have no recollection of where we stood, who was around us, or how much time passed. I let his brain disassemble me, break me into pieces, I allowed it, thinking of nothing except that he could do what he was doing for as long as he needed to do it. I didn't feel threatened, or tense, or nervous. I was both there and not there. I didn't exist except where I was reflected in his eyes. I had no body, just floated there before him as his perfect creation. I felt comfortable. Comfortable and weightless.
So when he leaned forward, and pressed his lips to mine, I let him. No, that's the wrong term. I didn't `let' him. In order to let him I would have had to consciously choose. It just was. In that moment there was only him, his eyes, and his lips that were incredibly soft. What I do remember is that it lasted forever, his gentle steady kiss, before my mouth betrayed me and kissed him back. There was no thought to it, just a kiss my mouth needed to perform on his soft, beautiful gentle lips after they asked me so nicely, like a please and thank you. My head had no thoughts of boys kissing boys. This wasn't some lurid, licentious or lustful act of depravity. I was just there, engaging in an act of easy natural need like breathing, exploring his mouth with mine without hurry, without thought, just because every movement brought with it a new and more interesting area. At some point in my journey, my adventure upon the softness of his lips, I released my tongue to taste him. His lips tasted like mint. My tongue took its time to find every corner with a slow and deliberate movement: it didn't flex or harden, remaining soft and languid as it voyaged fully over each inviting pink pillow. Without my asking them to, my hands had risen up to cup his solid masculine jaw, my fingers caressing his neck while my thumbs stroked his cheeks.
When my tongue wandered between those comfortable lips, they relaxed exactly as I needed them to, as if our organs were speaking to each other on their own. They needed to talk, to visit, to tell each other stories like friends who had missed each other for too long. His teeth greeted me first, so my tongue searched out every one, tracing their outlines top to bottom and side to side. Incisors. Canines. First molars. Licking , savoring each individual tooth, taking my time to be sure I explored their entire surface, even scraping the sharp points. I went along his gums, finding the crease of his jaw where it met the flesh of his cheek, and the rigid divider just beneath his nose. I played in the gap where his gums met the smooth white enamel of his teeth, fascinated by the difference in texture, finding it a sexy thing, that juxtaposition of hard and tender, soft and rigid.
In my head, this wasn't a kiss. This was like listening to my favorite song, getting taken away by the music, hearing but not listening because I was transported INSIDE the music, sailing on the notes, carried by the rhythm. No time existed, only the journey and the fascinating new places it would take me on its own without my conscious guidance. In the year since I graduated, I learned that this was a habit of mine, and always had been. My mind would take me and the world would disappear when I found this mental state. No judgment existed, no choice, no worry, just being in the moment as it expanded in my mind. It was safe, it soothed me, excited me, and everything was nothing. My body wasn't there, not connected to me while my mind went where it needed to. A tiny piece of me fed instructions to my body to give my mind what it needed, and that was all, but I couldn't tell you what those instructions were. Years later I would understand that this was meditation, letting go of everything to free the mind. Back then I only knew it as losing myself: the place where there was no `me'.
When my tongue finished, it pulled back slowly, to revisit its favorite places and old friends, a quick goodbye but stopping for a longer moment on its favorite friend, those beautiful gentle lips.
And then, his tongue came to visit me. Hesitant. Cautious. It moved so slowly, so tender, asking politely once again. In answer, my hands pulled him into me, my own lips opened even as my tongue darted forth to tease him.
I had never had a kiss like this with any of the girls I'd been with. There was no casual, effortless connection with them. With them, there was a purpose, mostly mechanical, a choreographed dance with deliberate steps and movements intended to lead to a sexual act. A sexual act I desperately wanted and loved, in case you thought otherwise. There was always a navigational issue with girls, I could never just lose my self, because every guy had to be hyper aware of every signal, make sure she was in full consent and to make sure she enjoyed it all way more than I was allowed to. All the while she couldn't enjoy herself TOO much, not wanting to come across as a total slut. Always careful, slightly awkward, each of us holding back. My too big mouth trying not to swallow their too small mouth, my heavy, long thick tongue trying not to choke or overwhelm them. Having to walk the line between strong and aggressive which was a too thin line sometimes when your heartbeat sinks to your dick. There was no kiss that only existed as a doorway to a sublime disappearance, a kiss that wasn't a kiss, but an existence. No kiss like Kevin's comfortable, weightless kiss.
And when he felt my permission, my acceptance, he performed his magic again, only this time my mind receded, becoming a spectator once more just like that eternity of his lips first touching mine. His tongue invaded me, eager and on a hunt. It came for something, hungry to conquer. My mouth relished the strength of his attack, the abandon and thoughtless aggression. It would have its satisfaction, it would fill its starved emptiness with everything it could devour. Sacrificing myself to him seemed only right, this desperate animalistic taking, I could deny it nothing. If there was any way I could give it more, I would. On an instinctual level I celebrated the release of the hound, knowing that allowing it to feed meant freedom.
His tongue reached my very soul, no different from how his soft flannel eyes ensnared my mind. I fed it to him, I no longer wanted my soul, not inside me. I wanted him to consume it, to keep it prisoner as deep inside his self as he could crush it. I had no reason left. He could take what he wanted, anything he needed. I would just live inside him, such an easy choice.
His tongue pushed against my tongue like a bully, throwing it wherever he chose, trying to flip it over on its back. He drove the hardened tip deep into the soft tender flesh on the floor of my mouth, then spread the tip wide to fling my tongue upward like a killer whale flinging its seal victim in the splashing surf of our shared saliva. It was pure playful violence, toying with me. His tongue yanked back, but only so his teeth could nip my lips, before thrusting again into my beaten mouth. A wave of his saliva followed, only for me to swallow every drop after which my lips closed over his tongue so I could suck it dry. I felt like a virgin, like I had never kissed anyone before in my life. Whatever I had done before, it couldn't be called a kiss. THIS... this was what qualified as a kiss.
When had I slumped against this wall, lowering myself so I was below his head? It made his violation easier. He cradled my head with one hand while his other hand danced across my face. I felt his finger enter my lips next to his tongue. He drew back his head slowly, looking at me with his flannel eyes, his finger still in my mouth. I slumped there, staring. My mind was coming back too slow.
"How.....?" He gasped. Now he was breathing heavy. He put a second finger in my mouth, and I unconsciously sucked them, captivated by his stare.
"Let's go." He said, curling his fingers around my bottom teeth and pulling me off the wall by my jaw. I didn't even care. What the fuck?
The world was still gone. Oh I recognized the school, where we were. But I had no idea what time it was, didn't care. School? Class? Not even on the radar. I followed him to his car, and he was kind enough not to drag me the whole way by my teeth.
"Fuck. Sorry Tom." He said, releasing me.
"It's.... I .... What?" That was the level of my intelligence at that moment. Just saying words.
"Get in." He ordered. Commands. I could do that, follow commands without my mind, super easy. The Army was going to get a perfect soldier. So I got into his car and shut the door, staring out the windshield trying to make sense of whatever this was.
"Tom? You okay?" I heard from my left. I turned my head slowly, like some creepy horror movie mannequin.
I swallowed before answering. "Yeah. Okay. I'm okay."
"I'm sorry I did that. I don't know why I did it." He said, going back to not looking me in the eye.
"Did what? What did you do Kev?" I was still trying to grasp reality. Nothing made sense.
"The kiss? Kissed you in front of English class?"
Which only sent my mind right back there, his lips, my tongue, my surrender. "That's good." I muttered distractedly.
He looked at me again. "Tom? What? TOM!"
His raised voice got my attention, finally. I focused on his flannel eyes, his hair.
"Your hair's messed up." I told him. Don't ask me why that was the first thing I chose to consciously say to him. But in my defense, Kevin's hair was never messed up. He always looked like fucking Tarzan.
He smirked. `Yeah, you kinda put your hands all over it, through it, pulled it, smelled it. I thought you were going to eat some, but you didn't."
None of which I remember. Not even to this day. "Really? When?"
Now he smiled, a full smile. I remember those teeth, knew each of them intimately. My tongue came out and licked my lips. I have no idea why I wasn't freaking out.
"During what will always be the best kiss of my life."
I blinked. "Oh. Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh" my mouth lingered on the word. Finally, I grasped the entirety of what we'd done. "Oh shit." Okay, I guess the freaking out part was just holding back a little. "Did we just do that? Like right there in the hallway?"
Kevin nodded, his smile reduced to nothing. His eyes looked scared, but hopeful.
I leaned back and rested my head against the headrest, closing my eyes. I sighed, thinking... at long last thinking. Maybe not such a perfect soldier, with all the thinking. Kevin waited with the quiet patience he always had. Comfortable silence. Weightless expectation. That was why. Why I said what I did. Because he was comfortably weightless there inside me. I mean beside me. Yeah, that's what I meant.
I looked at him again and smiled. "It was a fucking awesome kiss!" I laughed. He laughed too, the first time I'd ever heard him laugh. It sounded deep and throaty. "You kissed me gone, dude. I seriously left my body. I don't remember everything that happened, I just remember living inside your mouth. I remember ever single crevice and corner of your mouth, every tooth, every bump. And your lips. Your lips. Those lips." Before I knew what I was doing, I reached out to touch his lips. "You have no idea what you did to me, where you took me." I didn't feel like lying to him, I wanted him to know the truth. I needed him to know how special that was for me.
He smiled, and kissed my fingers, still there touching him. "I know what you did to me, and where you took me. That I do know." He got a little bashful then. "Um... sorry about attacking you there at the end. I don't know why that happened. You drove me so crazy with what you were doing to me. I couldn't take it when you let me put my tongue in your mouth. I lost it."
I moved my fingers under his chin to raise his face to look at me. "Kev? Look at me." He did that thing again, his face pointed off to the side, his eyes looking then not looking, then looking again. "I'm not sorry. I wanted the beast off the leash, that was actually going through my head. I saw that beast inside you and wanted it to feed on me. You were perfect, amazing, so strong and in control. I didn't know a kiss could be all that. So, thank you. Thank you for kissing me. Thank you for giving me all of you, like I gave you all of me. I never thought that was possible, but you showed me it is."
I watched as tears started to fall from his eyes. "Thank you too. Tom? I really like you."
I wiped his tears. "Yeah. I like you too Kev. In fact, after that I know I love you. But I'm straight Kev. We're going to be close friends, because I love who you are, the guy inside. I like your jokes. I like your always thinking brain."
He chuckled, then took a deep breath, then looked out the windshield. "I figured." He wiped his eyes on his shoulders. "Are you sure you want to be my friend. I'm gay, Tom. And after that display in the hallway, people are going to talk. I guess I just came out at school."
I grabbed his hand. "Only if you want to. Fuck those people, the ones who want to be mean. You don't need them. And I'll shut them up for you if you want."
"But what about you? They're going to think you're gay too. Fuck! I screwed this up so magnificently, and now you're going to suffer." He threw his head back, raking his hand through his hair and holding his head. "FUCK FUCK FUCK!"
"Hey, hey, settle down. Get the beast back on the leash, buddy. It'll be fine." I really wasn't worried. "I don't care if they think I'm gay. You're gay and you're amazing. If they think I'm like you, I couldn't be happier. "
"Really? What if girls don't want to go out with you?" He asked.
I laughed. "Dude, you don't know girls. They'll see it as a challenge, can they turn me straight, make me forget about dick? If I play this right I might actually lose my virginity. Some girl's gonna want to use that pussy power."
His eyes got wide. "You're a virgin? You?"
His surprise amused me. "Yup, turns out that being a good guy makes it extra difficult to get more than a blowjob. I can't figure out why."
I heard him snort.
"What?" I retorted. "You don't think I'm a good guy? Or was that because I'm not as smart as you?" I'm not sure I appreciated this level of honesty.
He shook his head. "No. No, not that." He grinned. "Let's see, someone just told me something like `you don't know girls' or some lame bullshit like that." He raised his eyebrows.
I hated myself for those three seconds before my brain clicked. "Oh you fucking ASSHOLE!" I grinned and punched him hard in the arm. He started cracking up.
"You deserved that." He laughed. "And OW! Jesus. I'm gonna have a bruise."
"Good." I said.
"Look, you're right, being a good guy probably does work against you. You probably stop when they say no, right?" He tilted his head.
"Yeah, I do. I'm not going to rape anyone. If they say no, it means no." I didn't see where he was going with this.
He paused, I watched his grey eyes move left and right between his eyelids, his lips pressed together, obviously lost in thought.
"Okay." That's all he said.
"Okay what?" I asked. "You don't have any answers? What's the good in having a gay best friend if he can't give me answers about girls?"
He looked at me with a suave smirk. "You can comfort yourself with a no strings blowjob from your gay best friend any time you want."
I choked , then laughed. "You shouldn't have said that."
He suddenly looked scared. "It's a joke. A joke. Don't be mad."
I looked back at him, with a straight face, saying "oh, a joke. That's too bad." Then I gave him a wink and a grin.
He took a deep breath, then grinned. "Now who's the asshole?"
"Guilty." I said. "But look, don't censor yourself with me, Kev. You don't need to do that. I know you dig me. Be yourself."
"Bet you'd still make them look good." Kevin said.
"Huh?"
"That's what you said. Before the kiss. `Good point. The shorts are ridiculous.' Then you paused, and mumbled Bet you'd still make them look good."
I looked at him with my mouth open. "I... I don't remember saying that. Did I say that?"
He nodded. "Yeah." His face was serious. Concerned. "That's why I kissed you. I thought you liked me like I like you."
I put my hand over my mouth. I led him on? I felt bad. I shouldn't have done that. "Kev, I'm sorry. It was subconscious, or something. I mean, I'm not going to lie, you have a nice body, and you're handsome as hell with your soft grey eyes and your Viking Tarzan hair. And yeah, if I'm being honest you'd probably look hot in those track shorts because of your skateboarding ass and legs. But I didn't mean to lead you on, or make you think we could be a couple." I took a breath. "So you wouldn't have kissed me if I hadn't said that?"
He shook his head "I would have been too scared to make a move. Just like every day since junior year."
"Okay, we're going to revisit your crush on me for over a year, and you not even saying hi. We're going to have to work on your balls if we're going to get you a boyfriend. "
"Yes, let's work on my balls. You can start now." He said dryly.
One. Two. Brain caught up. "Hah!" I laughed. "You're too quick for me, dude!" I slapped his thigh.
"Alright, well while I'm sorry I led you on and gave you the wrong idea, I'm still glad I said it because that kiss was FUCKING EPIC and I got a gay best friend out of it." I explained.
"Yeah. It was the best kiss ever." He replied , lost in thought. " I didn't know a kiss could be like that either. So it doesn't bother you that I'm crushing on you bad?"
I shrugged. "I kinda like it. Besides, isn't that how gay/straight friends work? I figured the gay one always had a crush on the straight one."
"What? No! Oh for fuck's sake. Good thing you have me. You may be straight, but your head's not. I'm gonna to straighten that out."
So Kevin straightened out my head, with girls and gay people. I guess I knew what I was doing when I called him my gay best friend, because the guy who I thought was my best friend turned into a major prick because of the rumors I was gay, which I did nothing to dispel. Fuck him. I did in fact get WAY more action, and lost my virginity to Carol Fredericks, a sweet little blonde volleyball player. We ended up dating for the rest of the year. I came clean with her that I really was straight, to which she screamed `I KNEW IT!' And she punched me like a volleyball spike while I laughed until I swore to do anything she told me to for a week. Let me tell you, that sweet little girl was a freaknasty with her leash off. I loved that. Almost...ALMOST took me to the place of Kevin's kiss. I had a moment beyond , but nothing as deep or long lasting as Kevin's kiss. She was the one that taught me that eating a dude's ass drives him fucking crazy. I need to introduce Sleeper to Carol. She tore my hole up with her mouth, even had me shooting once, just from her tongue in my hole. In my defense I hadn't touched myself or seen Carol in two weeks when that happened. I begged her to fucking rape my hole, it drove me that crazy. She kissed me right after i shot, and tasting my own ass on her tongue almost made me cum again. And I had to stop myself from letting another load go when she picked up my pooled jizz and grinned at me while she forced my own cum into my asshole with two of her dainty fingers. I still fucked her twice more, once in each hole. I liked fucking her ass, and she loved it too because we didn't have to use a condom and I could fill her up with my nut. Freaknasty. What a perfect, lovely, pretty, dirty little slut. I guess my laid back attitude and casual acceptance of pretty much anything allowed her to let her beast out. And you know how much that gets me gone to that mindless place. If I hadn't joined the Army, and Carol hadn't gone away to UCLA, we'd still be together. If she's still single when I get back stateside, I'm going to look her up.
For Kevin's birthday that March, I asked him what he wanted.
With that sardonic dry tone he said without blinking. "Give you a blowjob, of course."
It was our typical banter. It was the same thing he said at Christmas. On Valentines Day. When I asked him what he wanted to do on the weekend. `Maybe tomorrow' I'd say.
But this time I said "okay", closed my locker, and walked towards the parking lot. I was halfway down the hall before he ran to catch up. I finally got him. This time HE had to wait for his brain to connect the dots. I felt kinda proud.
"What?" He asked.
I looked at him with a grin. "I said okay. For your birthday, you get to blow me."
He stared and blinked slowly. "This is a joke, right?"
I put my arm around his shoulders, and he automatically wrapped his around my waist. Like we always did. "No joke buddy. But, there's conditions."
He was trembling under my arm. "What conditions?"
"Carol's going to be there. She's into it. Oh, and she calls the shots. Meaning if she wants to participate, she does. You good with that?"
Kevin looked uncomfortable and a little freaked out. "She's not going to order me around, is she? She won't do anything to me, will she?" He stopped. "I don't have to do anything to her, right?"
I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Just me, buddy. She accepts you're gay, she's not trying to change you. I told her you're GAYgay, that we've always joked about you giving me a blowjob. She asked if we've ever done that and I told her no. She asked why not and I couldn't really give her an answer except I didn't want to lead you on, that you deserve better."
We reached the exit, saying goodbye to a few people we knew who never cared that Kevin and I hugged, walked with our arms around each other, got handsy when sitting next to each other. One cool side effect of all this was how many other people got comfortable with male affection. I noticed the guys on my teams hugging a lot more and being more at ease with touching. Of course, it was usually followed by just friends', but progress was progress. I stopped getting shit after they learned it wasn't going to get a rise out of me, and didn't ruin my day. I seriously didn't care. I was going into the Army, the rest of these chumps could kiss my ass. A couple more guys came out as gay, but Kevin said they didn't interest him. Maybe coming out' was too strong of a term... not many people were surprised when they did. I hoped Carol's plan worked this weekend. I was really worried my best friend would never move on and let his crush on me go.
The air was still cool, in March, but Spring was almost here. We walked across the small lawn towards the parking lot where our cars were. Kevin and I used to take turns driving each other (wait... I mean riding with each other... fuck... taking each other to school... for fuck's sake is there any way to make it not sound like we're fucking each other? That's Kevin's influence, that dirty mind filled with double meanings). So anyway, since I started dating Carol, we drove separately most of the time. Carol and Kevin liked each other, it's just sometimes Carol and I had personal business to conduct after school before our parents got home from work.
"My parents are in Dallas for the weekend, and Timmy is staying at his friend's until they come home. I'm apparently not mature enough to keep my little brother from dying in my care, but it's fine with them if I do something stupid and end up killing myself. So, we have the house to ourselves. Wanna stay the weekend?" I asked him. His actual birthday wasn't until next Wednesday, so there shouldn't be any reason he couldn't stay over.
"Sure. Is Carol coming over?"
I shook my head "Nope. Not until tomorrow night, for your birthday celebration. She said I have to save it for you. I think you're going to have to blow me twice because I'm going to cum too fast the first time for you to have your fun. Carol and I haven't gotten together since last week. It's driving me crazy. I'm so fucking horny. Practice and games, I get no time. Thank God this is a bye week."
He gave me that clock ticking look. "This is something you WANT to do, right?"
I smiled. "Yeah bud. I want to do this for you. I think you need this. Besides, I tell you how hot you are every week. What makes you think I'm not going to enjoy it just as much as you?"
We hugged before we split to go towards our cars. "Well I won't complain. What time do you want me to come by tonight?" That was Kevin. His biggest sexual fantasy was coming true and he still maintained that comfortable, weightless attitude. Who knows what going through his head, turning through those gears.
I shrugged. "Anytime you want. Just grab your clothes and stuff and come right over. I'm going to go to the store on my way home and get some garbage food. I'll see you there. Let yourself in if you get there before me." I climbed into my 12 year old 79 Trans Am, a car I thought was a classic' at the time. Ha ha. Go ahead and laugh, then go fuck yourself. What the hell did I know? I was 18.
It was Saturday night, THE night. Carol was on her way, and Kevin and I had spent the day trying to not think about tonight. With each passing hour, he seemed to get more nervous, and that sideways look was back. I tried to reassure him, tried to be more affectionate, but it didn't seem to be working.
We were currently snuggling on the couch watching Terminator 2, it had just come out on video and I had snagged the last VHS at Blockbuster. Kevin was little spoon, and I had my arms wrapped around him, my leg over the top of his, while my chin rested on the top of his head. He was so warm, his meaty body felt perfectly contoured to mine. My right hand lazily rubbed his left pec while we watched Arnold blow shotgun holes in the liquid metal terminator. The special effects were insane. I liked how solid his body felt. Comfortable. His hair, skin, breath, all smelled soothing. He'd always chuckle when I'd sniff him like a dog, but it always seemed to calm me and make me smile.
Although we always spooned and slept in each other's arms when we'd stay over at the other's house, somehow this moment felt extra special. I took a deep breath.
"Kev?"
He waited a few seconds before answering. I could feel him tense, then relax. I was patient, knowing he'd speak when his clock gears finished whatever they needed to do. "Yeah Tom?" His deep voice came out weak, filled with uncertainty, and a little fear.
"I... I love you, buddy. I don't think you realize how much." I took another deep breath. Softening my voice, I continued, "Sometimes I wish I was gay, so I could be the man you deserve."
I felt him tense up, so I grabbed him tighter, not letting him run from this. And then I felt him shaking. I looked at his face below me and he was crying. Crying softly, making no noise.
"Oh Kev. Don't cry. Don't cry buddy." I kissed his head, his neck, his jaw that I thought was so masculine. "Please don't, you'll make me cry. " I kept mumbling while I squeezed him tightly to me and tried to kiss away his tears. "You can't cry on your birthday, it's against the law." I tried humor.
He brought his hand up to rub my forearm. "Tom?" He paused. I knew I didn't have to answer, he would continue when he had the right words. I kept up my affectionate attention while he prepared himself. He really did smell like the best thing in the world. Like rain on a summer day. A freshly planted field. The breeze coming off the ocean. Beneath it all, him, his unique scent, a light musk that could have been a spice if you could bottle it. He hadn't worn cologne since the day I'd told him how good he smelled without it.
"Tom, I don't want you to be gay. I mean, I used to want that, at first. But that wouldn't be you." He was talking through his tears, still running down his face, wetting the throw pillow under our heads. "Part of why I love you with all my heart is because even though you ARE straight, you never hold back on how much you love me, and show me that. Do you remember the day of The Kiss?"
"Every single detail, Kev. I'll never forget it."
"You said something in the car that day that I think about every day. When I feel sad, it makes me feel better. When I'm scared, it calms me down. When you said those words, it made everything all right."
I'd said so many things that day, and my exact words were jumbled in my memory between my heaving emotions , and my scrambled brain. But Kevin always remembered everything exactly. "Which part, Kev?"
"You said `Thank you for giving me all of you, like I gave you all of me'. So now it's my turn. Thank you for giving me all of you, Tom. You're perfect just as you are. So perfect, just like this."
And now I was crying too.
We stayed like that, wrapped in each other, letting the emotion take us where it needed to, our eyes closed. We didn't hear Carol come in, until she stood in front of the couch.
"You started without me?" She said with a grin. We both looked up at her.
"No." We said together. She saw our tear stained faces.
Her grin slipped. She knelt down in front of us, her eyes going from Kevin's face, to mine, and back again.
"Hey, are you two okay?" She reached out to wipe my tears, then wiped Kevin's cheek too.
"Yeah babe." I said, smiling. I'm sure we looked pathetic, but I didn't care. "I've got my two favorite people right here and I couldn't be happier." I leaned over Kevin and gave her a kiss. We were just inches from Kevin's face. I could feel his soft eyes on us.
"Wow." He whispered. I smiled with my mouth still on Carol's, and I saw a glint in her eye.
Carol pulled back an inch, opened her mouth and let her tongue extend. She grabbed my lower jaw, squeezed my cheeks, forcing my mouth open. She darted in, shoving her tongue into my open mouth and took a long hard forceful lick up across my palate and teeth. Then she pulled my mouth open as far as she could and put her delicate chin all the way inside my lips, pushing her tongue inside along with it. I clamped down, almost chewing on her jaw. She moaned. She was the first girl I didn't worry about how big my male mouth was. If I could swallow her head, she'd let me, and would want me to.
"Holy fuck." Kevin breathed below us.
This was so hot. We'd never had an audience before. And knowing that Kevin was getting turned on by it had my dick throbbing as I unconsciously humped it over his meaty ass. I was grabbing his pec and playing with it. I was so turned on.
Carol pulled back again, and stuck her magical tongue out once again. Yeah, her tongue wasn't as big and fat as mine, but it was long, almost three inches. My asshole loved every wet inch. "Suck it." She ordered, yanking my jaw towards it. God, I loved it when she treated me like her bitch. She couldn't be too rough, too degrading, too demanding. It excited me that her tall thin body could control my big muscular one. I learned early on that my beloved Freaknasty could take it as well as she could dish it out too, but I could never decide which way I loved it more. She was so polite, sweet, and pure in public. Behind closed doors she became the best kind of depraved whore, and she knew ALL of my buttons. We were perfect together.
She pushed me away after I tried to suck her delicious tongue as hard as I could and rip it out of her mouth so I could eat it. Fuck, the things she did to me.
"That's not the only thing going in your mouth tonight, baby" the sweet tone of her voice opposed that sparkle in her eye I knew so well.
I was breathing hard, clutching Kevin's chest. Somewhere in the back of my mind I hoped I wasn't hurting him. I took a quick moment to glance down at him. He had the most sublime expression on his face. The excitement in those soft eyes changed them. Were the darker? They appeared to be two stormy skies. His tongue flicked out to wet his lips. Those lips.
Carol grabbed me by the hair to get my eyes back on her. I caught the briefest glimpse of Kevin's patented minuscule smirk before my eyes found hers. She stroke my cheek with her soft dainty hand. Man, her fingers were so long, her palm looked tiny next to them.
"Oh baby, do you want to kiss Kevin? Like you kiss me?" She cooed.
"Yes" I said hoarsely. I didn't see it coming, the slap. I knew better than to take my eyes off her. I kept my head still , taking the full power of her slap. It was a stinger, she was a great volleyball spiker after all. My ear was ringing, my face on fire.
Her voice was still filled with sugar, so sweet. "Too bad, baby. Tonight's not about what you want. It's all about him. Tonight he gets what he wants. Tonight he gets to... how do you put it? Let his beast off the leash? You want that, right?" She stroked my face again, so tender, it felt so good.
"More than anything, baby girl."
"Do you love him, baby? Do you love him like me?" Still sweet, a gentle smile on her face.
"Not like you. You, I want to possess, I want to grovel at your feet, I want to control you and let you control me. I want to be in front of you so I can see you and protect you, behind you so I can hold you, beside you so I can share everything with you. I want you to hold my heart, crush it if you wish, consume it, put it in a necklace to wear, while I do the same with yours."
We hadn't talked about this, Carol and I. None of it, which was part of the thrill. I was going wherever she led me, trusting her completely to bring out what we all needed, the three of us. And she did it to perfection. She had a gift.
"Oh baby, you are so wonderful, so gorgeous in your heart and soul." She caressed me with her words. "And the outside is even more beautiful. So hot, so handsome, all those powerful muscles that would never be used to cause pain." She finally let go of my hair and started stroking both cheeks lovingly. "And Kevin? What about him? How do you love your boyfriend?"
Kevin jerked. Her eyes and one hand left my face. She looked down at him, smiling like an angel, stroking both of our cheeks now.
"It's okay. You know we all see it, right? Your hearts beat for each other. But let Tom tell you. Baby, tell him how you love him." She tilted my head down to look at him, his eyes had gone to soft flannel again.
I felt my tears start. "Kevin, I love you like the air I breathe, weightless, here inside me, always, filling me, keeping me alive. You are a fire that keeps me warm, comforting me. I wish we could merge into one, so I could feel your weightless comfort every second of every day, know what's ticking in your amazing brain, feel everything you feel that keeps you solid, steady, and so much more real than anything else around us." My tears were dropping on his face mixing with his own. "Thank you for being my friend. I love you buddy."
"Kiss your boyfriend, baby. Show him how you feel." Carol whispered.
I looked in Kevin's soft eyes, and watched them begin to dart. "No." I uttered, soft and tender. He and I had never kissed again like the day of The Kiss.
"Why? Tell him why, baby." She knew. I had told her about The Kiss. She already knew what I would do, what I would say.
"I'm waiting for the moment. The moment when he's ready to pull me into his eyes again. When he lets go of the leash he's put himself on. The leash I never asked him to wear for me. Let it go, buddy. Come to me, pull me in. I want you to kiss me gone. I need you to give me all of you, without holding back."
If it were possible, which I guess it was because he did, he cried even harder, from fear, doubt, from a desire he could never answer without feeling the desperation of losing me. I saw it all in those soft flannel eyes.
"You would do this for me?" He whispered. And I could tell he still couldn't grasp that this was something I wanted just as much as him. Carol had opened my eyes about so many things. One lesson I learned above all others was not to avoid trying new things, that hidden pleasures were everywhere if you allowed yourself to look. I needed Kevin to show me what sex with a man was like. I too, had put myself on a leash, wanting the experience, but needing to keep from hurting him. But he was the only man I trusted to do this with. I wouldn't do this with any other.
"I want to do it for us."
When he heard those words his soft eyes stopped darting, and they pulled me in. And the world froze and disappeared. He became the only real, solid thing in the universe, even I was reduced to nothing more than elements of more than the five physical sensations.
I came back to myself carrying Kevin up the stairs to my room, our mouths still locked together. I sensed Carol behind us.
I'd warned Carol what could happen, if the stars aligned just right, but I didn't expect it to happen like that, so fast. I remembered far more than the first time, my hands and mouth exploring his entire head, smelling everything, tasting every part my tongue could find. I violated his ears, driving my tongue deep into his ear canals, both of them. I needed to know how that private part of him tasted, how it felt against my tongue. I used my lips and tongue to remove his earring, rolled it around in my mouth to suck off the bits of him that came from inside his pierced earlobe. His nose I swallowed whole, the tip of my tongue penetrating up inside each nostril, the snot from his tearful surrender somehow as deliciously soothing on my tongue as everything else I'd savored. I licked his salty tears and cleaned his eyes. I remember chewing gently along that straight, sharp jawline I'd always admired. I sucked his Adam's apple, it was hard against the soft sweetness of his throat, feeling it jump as he moaned. And then I wrapped my overly large mouth to cover his entire throat, the feel of his blood pumping through both his carotid and jugular pulsing against my lips at the same time sending me even deeper into the nothing. Here. Here was where I joined him, that merging that I wanted. He lay beneath me offering himself as a sacrifice to my hunger, my beast. With every breath, I felt the air move through his throat, his beating heart sending his blood through his artery up over my top lip, and back to his heart through his vein across my bottom lip, throbbing heat, over and over. So strong. Steady. Solid, like him. I existed only as his blood, his heartbeat, his comfortable heat, his weightless air for an eternity. For that time, I felt like his life, and I've never known a peace like that ever again. I don't know how long he fed me, but he gave me all of him, patient like he always was until I'd gotten what I needed.
Still clothed, we got to the landing and I moved towards my bedroom. I spared a glance at Carol. Her eyes were wide, and wonder was painted on her face.
"Tom, my God. Who are you?" She asked.
I left Kevin's soft, beautiful, comfortable lips, smiled at her. "I'm him. I have him, he's finally here." As I pulled him to my chest. A tear slipped from my eye, tracing down my cheek. "And now, he will have me."
She didn't have to say it, I saw it in her eyes. "You are the most amazing man, baby. I love you."
I smiled bigger. "Thank you for loving me. All of me. Even the part of me that is Kevin. You didn't have to. But that's who you are, and you made this gift happen because of what you have inside you. There's no one I've ever known who gives so freely, and takes so unapologetically. I love you."
"Take him in there. Give him all of you. Show him what I see." She turned to go back down the stairs. She wasn't worried that this would change me, or change her and me. That wasn't Carol. In fact , she told me before graduation months later that she was wet thinking about all the ways she hoped Kevin would violate me. She wanted to watch, but wanted us to be free to do everything we wanted to, needed to.
Kevin stirred. I looked down at him, his soft eyes completely still as I gazed into them.
"No, Carol. You're coming too." He said. And then that smirk. I laughed immediately, no three second wait. I had a feeling that my brain would never have to catch up with his again.
"You heard him." I said, when she hadn't moved. She was obviously trying to figure out if that meant what she thought it meant. "Get your sexy ass in here! Oh, and Kev's in charge. No leash."
I had no idea what Kevin would come up with, but knowing him, Carol and I were going to experience a few new things. Carol was going to learn that even though Kevin was a virgin, his beast made ours look like cute puppies. I remembered that all too well the day he took my soul.