Chapter Eleven Heartache
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Spring break isn't nearly as long as anticipated. I hang around the house and clean out my old boxes. Even though I had been through them once, I decide to get rid of almost everything. I have a new life and don't need this stuff anymore. I try throwing the tool away, but I couldn't bring myself. I guess I'm not that strong yet. Uncle Peter talks about looking for me a car over the summer. He told me recently he had heard from my mother who wanted to get some money to me. I ask him if she wants to talk to me and he said that he didn't think so. The money is some saving bonds and a bank account my grandparents set up. She says they had forgotten about it. I'm surprised at the amount of money there is. It seems like a lot to forget. Uncle Peter says we are going to put it away so it will draw interest and I'll have it when I get out of college.
"Well I have my own money now you don't need to pay for everything," I say.
"I've more than enough money. You'll need something when you graduate."
"I know, but you're paying for everything. You don't have to."
"You are an adult you can do what you want. I'm advising you that you don't need to use that money. I can take care of you, and it's something I like doing. Alan, you're it. You're all I've got. I don't have anyone else to spend money on. Let me do this. I love you, and it makes me so happy to take care of you."
"You love me?"
"Would I do all this if I didn't?" Think about everything we've been through together. I've held on to you because, well sometimes I feel like you're the only family I have."
"But what about Sarah?"
"Come over here and sit. We need to have an adult conversation. Sarah and I are friends; that's all."
"But I've seen you together."
"You may have seen us hug, but you haven't seen us together. I'm not interested in having sex with anyone. I know this is uncomfortable but let me explain how you are my readymade family. I was different, and I didn't know why. It took me a long time to understand who and what I am. When I heard about you, I imagined your pain and confusion and I wanted to help because there was no one ever to help me. I take that back Pat was there for me."
"You were married."
"Yes, just like gay men felt they had to marry so did I. We were going to get a divorce, but Lynn got sick, and we stayed together until the end. I loved her, but I was not sexually attracted to her or anyone for that matter. Sarah understands this; she gets it, and we have a great friendship."
"I guess I understand. It's that you've paid for everything. It worries me. Maybe I don't deserve it."
"You deserve everything. Stop punishing yourself about the past. Move on. Someday your parents and sister may want you back in their lives, and that's a choice you get to make, but I hope you know I see you and me as being a family and home being wherever we are."
"I gotcha. I have started thinking of this as my home, but I can never repay you for everything you've done."
"Stop it, damn. Have I asked for anything except for you to take care of yourself and be well?"
"No."
"That's right because I don't want anything else."
"I understand sometimes it's hard for me to feel like I belong. I worry that it's only a matter of time before I get abandoned again."
"I'm going to tell you something. I didn't know what I was getting into. Think about my drive to pick you up. I hadn't seen you in like five years. All I knew was an awful story not because of anything you had done but because my sister didn't want her son anymore. I know we have never talked about this, but I think it's time. I wanted you broke and battered whatever was wrong. I wanted you, and I want you now."
"Why?"
"I don't know something told me I could help you and if I didn't something bad was going to happen. It's not all about me taking care of you; you can't imagine what you have done for me. I feel good. I love hearing from you and your college life. You've brought me together with friends again. This is not one-sided at all."
"I understand, and I'm so grateful for everything. I feel good too."
"So, enough serious talk? How's Henry? You talked this morning?"
"He's good, and the family stuff seems to have worked its way out. I don't have all the details, but he sounds good."
"When do you want to head back?"
"Well, Mary and Pat have invited you to come up Friday and stay the weekend. Are you game?"
"I'll call Pat and see what's going on. When is Henry coming back?"
"Friday I thought we could go up and Henry and I could hang out with the kids while adults do adult things."
"Let me get with Pat, and we'll make a plan."
"So, you're asexual? I ask.
"Yes, and like you, I've been this way my whole life."
"Well, it doesn't matter to me as long as you're happy.
"Thanks and I think your just groovy too."
Going back to school and having only six weeks left until the end of my freshman year is unbelievable. Everything has happened so fast. Me getting better, Henry, friends, and good grades are something I could never imagine. I'm grateful for everyone that got me on the right path. I see Henry being a big part of that almost as much as Uncle Peter. I hope over the summer Henry, and I get to spend some time together.
Thursday, we take the drive back. We have all agreed to meet up. Henry is riding the bus back to school which is not bad. It was his idea. I can't wait to see him and touch him. Phone calls are not enough. I'm hoping he has good news about summer. "Are you ready for school to be over?" Uncle Peter asks.
"I don't mind school. I've had some fun and am already planning for next year."
"Do you guys register for fall classes this spring?"
"Yeah, I'm still deciding on what to take. Did you know you can be a licensed teacher without a teaching degree? Like I could get an art degree and teach just by taking a test."
"Is that something you're thinking about?"
"It's an option. There's always a need for teachers, and I'm going to need a job," I say.
"Sounds like you're doing some research."
"I'm looking at things."
"Good to hear. Do you and Henry have anything planned for summer?" Uncle Peter asks.
"We want to do something like whitewater rafting. I was thinking about camping and stuff in the Nantahala Forest. It's about equal distance between us, and there are lots of campgrounds and rafting companies. Maybe we could get jobs over summer there."
"Gosh, you have turned into a planner. I think camping and rafting are a great idea. Have you ever been camping or rafting?"
"I've been camping, and I always thought rafting would be cool."
"Well, do a little more research and let me know if I can do anything."
I spend the rest of the drive thinking about being in a tent with Henry. I hope Uncle Peter doesn't notice my erection. I try to figure a time and place for Henry and me to be alone tonight. Uncle Peter is staying with the Granges for the weekend, and I guess Henry and I will be in the dorm which is just fine with me.
We pull into the Granges and Pat is sitting on the porch. He waves and makes his way to the car. "If it isn't the Layne-Arden family," hyphenating Uncle Peter and my names seem fitting considering some of the conversations Uncle Peter and I had over break.
"It is us; where's everyone else?" Uncle Peter asks.
"Mary and the boys including Henry are at the store buying dinner. I thought we could grill some meat tonight." Pat says, but I stopped paying attention after he said Henry was already here.
"Good with me, what about you Alan?"
"Great, can't wait," I say as I follow the two older men to the porch.
"How was the drive?"
"Not bad what's new around here?"
"Well, Alan and Henry may get some questions from the two little guys. I know their only nine and six but due to questions related to Mary's brother and you and Henry the boys know that you two are boyfriends. Mary's brother and his partner have become parents. We thought it was time we give them a lesson in love, I guess," Pat says stunning me.
"That's going to be weird," I say still in shock.
"So, they don't know there's a name for it as much as they know boys can like each other and that it's normal, but we may not see it a lot," Pat continues.
"Well, when you have a gay uncle and two buddies that are gay something is bound to come out," Uncle Peter says.
"Yeah, Henry already got a couple of questions mainly do you kiss and hold hands. Unfortunately for him, he didn't get a warning like you are."
"Thanks for the heads up. I'm not sure what to say. Are the boys ok with it?" I ask.
"They haven't been polluted with hate yet, so they don't know anything else." I'm surprised and feel good about this.
Dinner was grilled chicken and pasta salad. It was all great. Henry and I sat beside each other and held hands under the table. He said it was weird answering the boys' questions but they are curious is all. They didn't ask me anything not even when we were getting them ready for bed. I don't see how Mary and Pat do it those two little guys will wear you out.
"Are we going over to the dorm?" Henry asks.
"For sure I can't wait to get you alone."
"A warning, I went to two adult bookstores while I was on break and consumed a lot of porn."
"Good to know. Did you pick up any new tricks?"
"Maybe but for sure men tried to pick me up."
"And?"
"And what? I was perfect. I only have eyes and hardons for you," he says. "Let's tell the old folks we're heading to the dorm."
"We will once you lose that hardon," I joke. We say our goodbyes and make the trek across the road. They're a couple of guys in the lobby of the dorm, but for the most part, the building is empty. We take the all familiar climb to the penthouse.
I unlock my door. "The last time we did it it was at your place let's be over here tonight."
"That's fine with me. I don't care," Henry says. I enter the room and open the window a bit. I think Josh left dirty clothes in his closet.
"What do you want to do?"
"Get ready for bed what about you?"
"I want to get ready for bed. I'll meet you back here in fifteen?" Henry asks.
"Let's race." I locate my shower stuff and get some night clothes. I take a quick shower and brush my teeth and make it back before Henry gets here.
"Damn damn," Henry says as he shuts the door. "I guess I'm your slave tonight."
"Nice, let's see what do I want."
"Can I ask something?"
"Sure buddy."
"Even when we have sex a lot do you still masturbate?"
"Umm," I'm surprised by the question. "Yes, don't you?"
"Ok, while on break I watched a movie with these guys masturbating. That's all it was one scene after another, and it was hot."
"Is that what you want to do tonight? Watch each other masturbate?"
"Can we? You're not weirded out by it?"
"I've had your dick in my mouth. Why would beating off in front of you be an issue?" I ask.
"I'm game. Can we lie on opposite ends of the bed?"
"We can do whatever you'd like." We choose sides and get comfortable. Henry is very into this. He starts before I do. I'm feeling a little vulnerable and shy for some reason. I thought this was going to be more comfortable.
"You ok?" Henry asks.
"Yeah, just getting into it," I reply watching Henry stroke himself with just a drop of lube where I enjoy a dry tug. I finally get into it by paying attention to Henry and not worry about how I look. In a bit, I can tell Henry is getting ready to come.
"Can I come on you?" he asks.
"Sure, yeah," I respond not taking my eyes off Henry's hands and dick. As soon as he changes positions, he starts to come which makes me let go. I end up covered in both our loads. Henry and I kiss as the puddles begin to chill. I wipe what I can off on a shirt before I go to the bathroom and do a little cleanup.
"That was different."
"That it was, but hot," I say.
"It's good to do new things. Now can we do the tried and true?"
"What's that buddy?"
"Get into bed and snuggle."
"I thought you'd never ask." We climb into my single bed, and I'm the big spoon tonight.
"I'm sad," Henry whispers.
"Why are you sad?" Henry turns over to face me.
"You're still doing it."
"Doing what?" I ask because there are so many things I'm still doing pretending that I'm not.
"Here," he says as he reaches out and touches the place I hurt myself. I didn't do it all of break. I knew.
"I'm trying I am. I talked to my therapist about and everything. I know I promised, but it's not something I could just cold turkey."
"I understand that I don't understand why you need to do it. It's ok. I know you tried. I believe you'll be able to stop."
"I'm sorry."
"No need to say you're sorry. I love you," he says as he reaches out to kiss me before he rolls over again to assume the little spoon position. I wrap my arm around him and hold on tight. "Goodnight, buddy."
"Goodnight, buddy," I say thinking about why I do something that not only hurts me but now is hurting others. I wish I knew why I felt the need to do it or explain how it is a release. Sometimes I feel as if I'm going to explode if I don't. There are other times that I do it because I don't want to hurt anymore. What I haven't shared is I did it before my breakdown. I used to do it when school was too much, or home life was weighing me down. Hurting myself sets me free. It makes me calm, it stops the anger and hatred I feel sometimes, but it never hurts not really, not like normal pain. I was broke before I broke down.
The weekend is fun. Henry and I play with the boys taking them to the park and around campus. They never ask any questions about our relationship when I'm around. They only ask one question of Henry, and it has to do with what dating means. "What does dating mean, Alan," Henry ask, and I can't answer because I've never thought about it. "Could I say it's someone you really like and you do stuff together?"
"Sounds good to me. Do they expect you to report back to them?"
"I imagine. They're very inquisitive." We continue to ponder what dating means as we return to our rooms in the dorm. "Whose room tonight?"
"It doesn't matter. I'm good with your choice," I say.
"Let's do my room tonight. We need variety."
"I thought we had variety last night."
"We sure did. We never really talked about that. Was it weird for you?"
"A little it's usually something you do alone and in private."
"I agree, but I enjoyed seeing you. I hope you had fun."
"I did cause it was you." We go our separate ways to get into comfortable clothes and ready for bed.
Three nights until school picks back up and then it's all downhill. Only two more nights of us being able to be together. Tomorrow we are taking off on our own. Uncle Peter is giving us his car for the day. We aren't sure just what we are going to do, but I'm sure we can find something.
Monday comes, and it's a dreary one. Back to eight a.m. class and seeing Henry less. Josh is excited about the semester coming to an end. He is going to stay over for summer school. "I want to get out of college as fast as I can," Josh says.
"I'm doing the traditional route right now. How was your break?"
"It was good, and I got to see a lot of my friends that didn't go away to college. It was strange doing some of the same things we used to do when in high school. How was yours?"
"Yeah, I can imagine. It was nice. I did some cleanup and then came back to campus on Thursday." Josh grows silent for a moment like he's trying to decide what he wants to share with me.
"I'm going to do some counseling with Father Grange. You know him, don't you? What's he like?"
"He's very nice, not judgmental, and a good listener. He's helped me."
"That's good to hear. I'm trying to figure somethings out and stay out of the ditches."
"Well, he can sure help with that. If you ever need to talk I'm a good listener. I go to Father Grange, but I also see an outside therapist."
"What's that like, if you don't mind?" Josh being more open then he has the entire semester.
"It's a little freaky at first but once you get in the groove and comfortable with a therapist it goes well."
"It was suggested by my family doctor. I have some depression issue; please don't say anything."
"I don't do that. If you want I can get you my therapist info since you're going to be here over the summer."
"That'll be cool," Josh says as he gets ready to head to his next class. I wonder what changed and made him so chatty. It took me some time to get warmed up before I started being friendlier.
As the second week back from spring break begins, Celeste has decided to only come to biology one day a week. She's smart and seems to be getting everything needed from the lab portion of the class, but I'm not sure the professor is going to pass her because of her attendance. All this means is Tony, and I spend a lot of time in class.
"Can we study tonight for Friday's exam. Do you think Celeste will want to join?" Tony asks.
"I don't know, but I can study, or I need to study. Where do you want to meet?"
"What about the library at 6 p.m.?"
"Cool, I'll see you there," I say as I leave class. I do need to study, and Tony has a pretty good grasp of the material. I still find it awkward to be alone with him. I guess I'm practicing being a better trusting person.
The cold rain continues to fall adding to my dread about this one exam. I'm already in the library attempting to read the chapters in my biology book. What I'm doing is watching people. Like Henry doesn't know I know he's in the library. He's working on a paper while I sit above him. There's the girl that was in my English class last semester who's wearing out her highlighter on her American History book. I've never known anyone who needed two different colored highlighters. Before Tony gets here, I'm going to say hello to Henry. I see how close to him I can get without him noticing me.
"I didn't know you were here," he says.
"I'm a spy. What are you working on?"
"This stupid history paper. What are you doing?"
"I'm waiting on Tony to study for the biology exam on Friday."
"Sounds as fun as my night. What are you doing later? Would you like to take a little trip to the Fab say about ten?"
"That would be nice Mr. Case. I'll meet you by the studio door at ten," I say upon seeing Tony coming through the door.
"Hey guys," Tony says taking his backpack off. "Where are we doing this?"
"Hey, I have us a table up top. I got here early," I say.
"How are you, Tony?" Henry asks.
"Good just worried about this test. The mid-term was awful but to give us an exam the second week back from break is too much, sorry. What are you working on?"
"Stupid finale paper for history. I'm behind on the research."
"Let's get this underway," I say to Tony as I turn my attention to Henry. "I'll see you later." I lead the way up the steps to the little alcove with the tables in it. There're not too many people working tonight. Our area only has three other people studying solo. I've got all my notes here, and I was wondering if you wanted to look at mine and I look at yours?"
"Like an, I'll show you mine if you show me your's?"
"Exactly, that's what it is," I say slowly realizing the joke. "Sorry, all I can think about is biology, funny."
"Thank you for doing this. A partner makes me focus on the work. You're going to keep me from getting all caught up in my head."
"I'll do my best." We divide and conquer this biology exam. We stick to the task at hand only stopping for a break a couple of times. We are committed to doing great on this exam. Tony is a great study partner too bad last semester I didn't know this at least for the little time we lived together.
"That's about it for me," I say gathering up my book and notes. "I'm meeting Henry in fifteen."
"Thanks for studying; I'm going to stay a little longer."
"That's cool. Hey, I enjoyed this; we should have been doing this the whole semester."
"Yeah, I'm still sorry about all that shit in the past. Maybe we can have another chat as we did before break sometimes. I'd appreciate it."
I'm curious what more there is to talk about. I hope this isn't about being straight or gay. I kinda drift off or lose my place in the conversation and before I know it Tony is kissing me here in the library out in the open. "What are you doing?" I jump away.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to do that. Yes, I did. I've wanted to do it since the start of the semester." I pick up my backpack turn and go. "I'm sorry," Tony yells as I take the stairs to the first floor and out the door.
I'm stunned. I'm not able to get all this right in my head. Here I am in the cold rain running across campus to get to the safety of the FAB and Henry. The building comes into view. Henry is waiting on the porch seeing this I pick up my pace. I can't get to him fast enough.
"You fucking kissed him," Henry is yelling as I get close enough to see that he is upset.
"He kissed me I didn't kiss him. That's not what happened."
"I know what I saw. Why? Everything has been so great; am I missing something? Tell me goddamnit."
I'm not sure if he's crying or it's just that he is so furious, but he's loud. "Please, I didn't kiss him; he kissed me. Calm down please."
"Why, how did this happen? How could you? I thought," Henry stammers. I don't know of anything to say that will calm him down. I go to him. I try to touch him, but he does not have it.
"Henry please I didn't do this. You know me I love you, and I wouldn't kiss someone else, for sure not in the library out in the open." I want to hug him and make him believe me.
"Tell me now has there been anyone else since we've been together anyone." I'm scared there's no way I can continue to lie to him, but he will hate me. "Who is it? I'm so fucking stupid."
"Let's go to the studio, and I'll answer all your questions. I'll do anything just please can we go in?"
"Tell me, please tell me. I'll make it easy just shake your head if you've been with someone else." I stare beyond Henry through the FAB door in past the lobby down the aisle of the theatre into the darkness of the stage as I nod my head. "Why? Why couldn't I be enough," Henry says as he walks away. I fall to the ground. In minutes I feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up through my tears and see Tony.
"Go away you've fucked everything up."
"I'm sorry, but I've wanted to do that. I was hoping you'd make the first move," Tony says. This information stabs me through the heart. I get up and begin to walk into the building without saying anything to Tony. There's nothing to be said. I'm wet and muddy.
"I'll tell Henry it was all me and I'm sorry you had nothing to do with it." Tony follows me down the steps to the studio.
"Tony just go and leave me alone. That's not going to fix anything," I say, but instead of pushing him away I turn and hit him in the face and then quickly bring him in for a real open mouth kiss. I shove my tongue down his throat holding his face tight. I begin to tear his shirt off before I move to his pants. He mirrors my every move. I will show him what it means to be gay. "Is this what you want?" I yell.
"I don't know," he says as I push him down on his knees I force my cock into his mouth.
"Watch those fucking teeth faggot," I say. I want to hurt him to punish him for kissing me, for moving out on me, for fucking Henry and me up. He's not doing a very good job. I pull him up and begin to jack him off. He's not able to stay hard. "I guess you have your answer. Thank god you're not a faggot." I redress and leave the building the same way I came in. Tony is left standing humiliated, I hope.
I don't go to class the next day. I stay in bed with my headphones on and my head covered up. Josh assumes I'm sick which is true but what I'm doing is hiding from Tony, from Henry, from myself. Alan the destroyer is back. A couple of times someone knocks at the door, but I don't move. I know it's not the person I want to talk to.
I miss the biology exam. I'm not able to muster enough strength to go to class. I know that Thursday night Henry and I were supposed to be at the Granges for dinner and guitar lessons. I wonder if he went. I wonder what he told them. Eventually I knew my true nature would return. Friday evening I escape to the FAB studio so I can be alone and keep everything out. I take my walkman and sleeping bag for comfort.
Even though I locked the door, Henry breaks in by borrowing someone's key. "I need some answers," he says. No hello, or anything just answers. I decide to comply with his request.
"I'll tell you whatever you want to know." What do I have to lose everything is already ruined.
"I don't care who it was I only want to know why. Why wasn't I enough? Why wasn't the two of us together good enough?"
"We were. We are good enough. I don't know how else to let you know that."
"I don't believe you because you wouldn't have done it."
"The last person that said they loved me destroyed me. I took the blame. I don't know how to handle people being nice to me, I wonder if you being meaner would be better. Would I know how much you love if you were? It was a guy from the cafeteria. I only blew him; it meant nothing to him or me. It made me feel like shit, and I like that feeling."
"You're fucked up."
"Henry I love you. You changed everything about me and I know I've hurt you and I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I'll do anything for you."
"I can't."
"Please."
"I keep thinking that I should have been enough. I love you so much that no matter what was wrong with you; I could make it better. I guess I was wrong."
"I told you I was crazy and I was going to do my best. When I say I love you, I mean it. I'll never do it again. Please."
"Tony came to me and said it was all him that I shouldn't punish you, but he didn't know about the guy did he?"
"No one knows except you."
"Alan I don't even want to be at school anymore. I've not been to class or been anywhere. Why?"
"I don't have an answer. I promise you it will never happen again. I just want you."
"I don't know if I can get past this. You can't imagine my hurt."
"I know, and I'm sorry I did this, please forgive me," I say as I get closer to him without him pushing me away.
"Don't," Henry says crying. "You don't understand."
"I know that I love you that you love me." We kiss. "There is no one else but you."
"I hate you."
"No, you don't you love me. Henry, I'm so sorry." He kisses me. We melt into each other's arms.
I wake in the dark with Henry next to me at least I got him to stay with me tonight in the studio. He makes these little noises while he sleeps. I love them. I stretch and get up to go pee. The light from the hall cast a glow in the room. I turn to look back at Henry just making sure he's still here.
"I woke, and you were gone," Henry says as I return.
"I had to go pee. I can't believe we slept this long. It's four o'clock," I say as I finish shutting the door. The outside streetlights paint the room in grey shadows. "Do you want to go back to the dorm?"
"Do you? I'm fine either way," Henry says. It gets quite as we look at each other.
"Can I ask you a couple of questions?"
"I'm still thinking about all of this. I've tried to let you go, and it's been too hard. I'm hurt do you understand that?"
"I do understand. I'm sorry I wish I had been better. What do people know? What did you tell Tom, Celeste, and the Granges?" I ask.
"I told Tom, and I guess he told Celeste that you and I were fighting and that you had hurt me. I didn't tell Mary and Pat anything. I called said we had to cancel because of a project. I couldn't go over there."
"Thank you."
"I didn't do it for you. I did it so I wouldn't be the fool."
"Whatever the reason thanks. I hurt Tony."
"Good, what did you do."
"The night he followed me in here, and I hit him called him a faggot and tried to force him to blow me. I wanted to fuck him up. It was because I was hurting."
"What did he do?"
"I pushed him off he didn't even have a hardon I told him he had his answer on the gay thing. I left and went to my room."
"I went and cried in the shower."
"Henry, I assaulted him because I was mad at myself. He could get me thrown out of school or worse arrested."
"That's not going to happen."
"I'll need to talk to him apologize."
"You do what you have to do."
"What can I do for you to make you and me better?"
"Not kiss anyone and don't blow the kitchen help are the first steps." He gets up and leaves the room. I hope he's only going to the bathroom. I sit in silence waiting. "And another thing, we need to talk to Pat about this."
"Do we have to give him all the grisly details?"
"No, just the general information will be fine get his take on all of this."
"Can't we do Mary?"
"That's a good idea get a female perspective."
"Do you still love me?"
"That's what hurts I can't stop loving you. Do you know how bad you hurt me?"
"Yes, I do, and for the hundredth time, I'm sorry. I do love you, and you make me feel good. You opened me up to something better, and I should have been better."
"I can't forgive you yet. I'm still hurting," Henry says. We decide to go to the dorm and sleep somewhere a little softer than the floor. It's still raining. There is a little light in the sky.