Rob awoke to the smell of breakfast wafting its way into his room. His head ached, informing him before he'd even moved that he was hungover. He gazed at the clock adjacent his bed realizing that it was barely even 7:30.
"Fuck" was all he could muster as he rose from the bed and stumbled toward the bathroom to piss. The room was barely aglow, faint light peeking in from behind the heavy drapes covering the rooms windows. It was chilly, especially so because he hadn't bothered putting clothes on before crashing into bed. His bare feet sent chills through him as they connected with the cool tile of the bathroom floor. As he entered the bathroom a feeling of nausea fell upon him as he realized he hadn't washed his face or brushed his teeth the night before.
"This is why this is bad" he thought to himself as he approached the toilet. His routines were ritual, habits bordering upon obsessive, which he felt his very life depended on. Yet, he'd abandoned them last night, without a second thought. Why? It was a question he seemed to be asking a lot recently. He'd given in last night to something he knew he should have done without. None of this would end well for either of them. He'd end up hurting Josh and Josh would end up making him wish for things that could never be. But it had felt right. That was the weirdest part. Had he wanted Josh to follow him in the room? Yes. Was he glad he'd stopped him? Yes, but not because he'd have felt disgusted with himself if he had allowed it. And that was the oddest part. Every other time he'd messed around with a girl he'd got off and been done. There was no desire to take it further, nothing emotional about it, but with this it was different. He'd had to resist taking it further.
He began pacing his room, taking in the soft indentations of the patterned wallpaper, the urge to count them creeping in. Josh was in his kitchen, cooking breakfast, what would Rob say to him? What would he do? It suddenly dawned on him that the fact that Josh was downstairs should freak him out. He'd brought someone home, done things he never thought he'd do, and awoken for the first time in his life without a pang of regret. For the first time he wished he was waking up next to the person he'd hooked up with. And it was a guy.
The feelings of nasuea he'd felt when walking into the bathroom returned as he began to freak out. This wasn't his plan. It didn't fit into his framework. Rob had a plan: Duke the next fall, law school after, meet a sweet girl and marry her. He wanted normalcy, a life that could be controlled. He didn't want love or lust or anything of the sort because those just ended with a broken heart. He began breathing slowly in through the nose and exhaling from the mouth. He had obligations and family status to uphold, why risk giving up those things for someone that would leave? Maybe someone who doesn't even want to stay. Why would someone ever stay for a basket case?
He breathed out slowly, resolving to slip on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt and pop a painkiller from his stash before heading down to the kitchen. As he rounded the bottom of the stair and came through to the doorway of the kitchen he paused for a moment to watch Josh. Josh was searching for something in the fridge, shirtless, and Rob couldn't help but stare at his broad back. It annoyed him that he found him so fascinating. Even after he'd had him.
"Hey" Josh said, turning to meet Rob's gaze, a gallon of orange juice in hand.
"Hey" Rob replied.
"Sorry, I was basically about to starve. Like I'm pretty sure I was dying of hunger" He giggled, his left hand levitating to the back of his head "I figured if I made enough that you'd forgive me for raiding your kitchen."
"No problem" Rob said, moving to the kitchen counter to prep the single cup coffee maker. He noticed Josh's eyes on him as he moved. Why did Rob like that so much?
"So uh... are your parents ever home?" Josh said, obviously trying to cut through the awkwardness of the moment.
"Mom's out of town a lot for work. My dad passed away about four years ago." Rob said steadily, despite his shaking hands, as he watched the coffee drip into the cup below. Even if he had become used to talking about it by now he still hated the way that people looked when they first found out.
"I'm sorry man, I didn't know."
"No big deal, like you said, you didn't know. Dad started the company but when he got sick mom took over."
"You drink it black?"
"What?" Rob said, slightly suprised at the sudden subject change.
"Your coffee, that's nasty dude."
"Oh, yeah I don't like cream or sugar" Rob lied, it wasn't that he didn't like the taste, rather, he didn't like the excess calories.
"Are you really not even gonna look at me?" Josh said, prompting Rob to turn around for the first time since they had said hey. Rob said nothing at first. He just stared at him unsure of what to do. "I get it ok... I'm sorry I pushed you. It's my fault. I..."
"What do you want me to say?" Rob said abruptly. Anger pulsed through him as he began to approach Josh. Rob could tell his sudden outburst startled Josh but Rob couldn't help it. He'd been bottling everything in all morning and for some reason the apology was the lever to the floodgates. "What do you want me to say Josh?" Rob repeated as he moved closer towards him. "That I enjoyed it? I did. That I think you're beautiful? I do. That I still want to touch you? Every time I'm around you. I don't think you'd be fooled if I said any differently." He was inches from Josh's face now, taking in every aspect of what he saw, rounded cheekbones, blurry eyes, he had to resist the urge to kiss him. "So don't feign some fucking appology for my sake. I didn't do anything I didn't want to do and that's the fucking problem!"
Rob began to step away to make his retreat until he felt a hand at his elbow keeping him from spinning around. "Why?" Josh said, his eyes full of unrelenting determination as he demanded an answer from Rob.
"Why what?" Rob spat.
"Why is it a problem?"
Rob felt himself deflate as he answered, "because it's not who I'm supposed to be Josh..." he paused to look up at the cieling, breathing in deeply before speaking again, "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. I, do... do you want some coffee?"
"You're not giving me an answer Rob. I don't know what you mean." Josh said, folding his arms about his chest. Rob could only stare in the face of his question, retreating to his icy defenses. "Don't look at me like that dude, what do you mean?"
"What do you think?" Rob said matter-of-factly, "you're a guy Josh."
"So thats it? That didn't seem to matter too much last night man."
"It mattered, I just was too drunk to care."
"Well that just makes perfect sense. You didn't do anything you didn't want to do but yet you're basically saying you only did it cuz you were drunk?"
"More or less." Rob said, knowing he sounded like a complete asshole, but he'd failed at keeping Josh away once before, this time he needed to seal the deal.
"So you're just going to live a lie?" Josh asked.
"A lie?" Josh's words confused Rob.
"You're ashamed of the fact that you're gay." Josh said plainly.
"Who said I'm gay?"
"Well I don't exactly have tits so..."
"I'm not sure what I am" Rob said sadly. He couldn't hide this, couldn't continue to be angry about Josh's words. Was Josh right? Was he living a lie? He'd never thought of it that way before. It had always been simply doing what he needed to do.
"You were pretty sure last night"
"Well you're not exactly jumping from the closet either." Rob said, his will to dominate the conversation returning, slowly but steadily. He saw the affect his words had on Josh, as if Josh were retreating somewhere inside himself. Rob regretted the words immediately. He hated this struggle within himself. One moment he wanted Josh to hate him the next he wanted to take words back? "Pull it together Rob" he thought to himself.
"I guess... I guess I'm just not ready to be an outcast yet." Josh said, staring down at his feet.
"And you think I am? Forgive me for also thinking that I have a bit more to be outcast from than you." Rob said, unspitefully, yet he knew his words cut Josh deep. He had only meant that Josh didn't have the societal connections and expectations that he himself did, something which Rob envied Josh for, yet he knew Josh didn't see it that way. Suddenly that internal struggle within him was resolved, he wished he could start this whole conversation over, because he was pretty sure he'd succeeded in getting Josh to hate him and it killed him.
"Fuck you Rob" Josh said, making his way to head out of the kitchen.
"I just meant..."
"I don't give a shit what you meant" Rob heard Josh's voice echo down the hall.
And just like that Rob was alone staring at bacon sizzling in a pan and beaten eggs mellowing in a mixing bowl on the counter. Again, Rob was left experiencing brand new feelings. No one had ever walked away from him like that. No one had ever made him feel as if he should take his words back. He'd never had a filter before and now all of a sudden he found himself stumbling over words and essentially hating himself for letting them be spoken unchecked. His head ached as he wondered just how long it would be before the pain pill he'd taken would kick in. He decided to give it a little boost as he went to the liquor cabinet to pour himself a morning scotch and then finished the breakfast in silence.
Josh-
He drifted aloft in the almost bath like water as he stared up into the crystal clear sky above. He had always done this, for as long as he could remember - escape to the water. It calmed him somehow, whether it be a pool, the ocean or even a shower it always seemed to serve as his escape. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. Why had he come here? Why had he given in to Rob's advances.
He saw him approach before he could speak. A plate in one hand and a rocks glass in the other. Josh couldn't believe Rob was already drinking. The kid definitely had a problem but Josh would be damned before he'd say anything about it. Rob could drink himself to death for all he cared.
"Aren't you going to eat? I thought you were on the brink of starvation." Josh heard the muffled sounds of Rob's voice as they penetrated the water.
"You finished breakfast? I would have thought that would be beneath you." Josh said, rising up from the water. He'd made sure to leave his underwear on this time.
"Fine I guess I'll feed it to the dogs." Rob said, turning on his heels to head back towards the house. Josh let him go, letting him make it all the way to the door. He'd called his mom, she was on her way to get him after she ran some errands, he could hold out until she got her. He had wanted to tell her to come straight away but that would raise a red flag if he seemed too anxious to get away. A few moments after Rob had gone inside his head was peeking out the door again.
"God dammit Josh please come and eat." Rob yelled.
"Go to hell." Josh said prompting Rob to slam the door so loudly that it startled the birds leisurely singing from the porch roof.
The action pissed Josh off to no end. So much so that he was marching toward the back porch, stripping off his wet underwear and slipping on jeans, before he even realized where his feet were taking him. He went inside to find Rob sprawled out in a chair by the breakfast table, two plates filled with eggs, bacon and biscuits atop it, wearing a harsh scowl across his face.
"Admit that you're ashamed." Josh said, crossing his arms about his chest.
"So what if I am? You are too aren't you?" Rob said, his jaw tightening as he spoke.
"No, no I'm not. I'm going to love someone, some man, with all my heart one day. It's just not today. I'm not gonna lie about it. I'm not gonna live a lie."
"And you think I am?" Rob said.
"Do you even like girls?"
"I'm done with this conversation." Rob said, standing up from the table.
"Well I'm not. Answer the question!" Josh said, triggering Rob to suprisingly sit back down. He faced away from Josh staring at the brightly colored wall for a few moments.
"I... I thought I did." Rob finally said. He didn't know why but Josh felt his chest swell up. 'He thought he did until he met me' Josh thought. Strangely Josh felt satisfied with that answer. So much so in fact that he sat down across from Rob.
"Two creams, Two sugars" Josh said, picking up the fork laying on the table as he dug into the plate.
"Huh?" Rob said looking at him utterly confused.
"You offered to make me coffee earlier, remember? I like two creams and two sugars." Rob just stared at him blankly for a few moments before he began laughing hysterically.
"I don't think I'm ever going to figure you out Josh Holt."
"Yeah, yeah." Josh said, waving his fork around, "now be a good host and fix me my coffee" he smiled.
"You little shit" Rob grinned, as he got up to walk to the coffee maker.
"So why do you think the cops showed last night?" Josh said, attempting to change the subject as quickly as possible to something less serious. It was awkward, but hell the whole morning had been awkward.
"They must have got a call" Rob replied, shrugging his shoulders.
"Who would do that though?"
"I'm not sure, but the property sits too far back from the road for a cop to have spotted the bonfire as they were driving by. Maybe someone's parents found out?" Rob said as Josh watched him stir the cream into the coffee.
"Has that ever happened?"
"Kind of, we've had a few close calls but we always catch wind of it and either postpone the match or move locations. Sam's got a whole team of people, Jenn included, that are good about damage control. We haven't had to shut down since I've been in it. But it's getting too big, too many people come to watch, it's not like it used to be and something is bound to happen." Josh felt like Rob was similiar to Jenn in the fact that he could talk endlessly about the brawls. They were obviously special to him somehow and Josh delved in deeper to understand why.
"so how long have you been in it?" Josh asked, hoping to find out a little more about Rob Tilton.
"Since I was a freshman. I was picked up by the gold roster that first year and I've been with them ever since."
"So thats what you all call your roster? The gold roster?" Josh asked, as it was the first time he'd ever heard rosters refered to by any sort of name other than so-and-so's roster.
"All of the rosters have colors. It's how the ring leaders keep up with everything. We're gold, ya'll are black. Luke never told you any of this?"
"Luke only cares about beating me into shape." Josh said with a cringe as he remembered he'd be training again tomorrow night. He became aware of the soreness still present in his arms and legs from all of the intense body weight exercises they had been focusing on. Luke was a devil of a trainer, forcing each of the guys on the roster to do circuits of pushups, pullups, box jumps, jumping jacks and an array of other mundane activites till they were literally on the verge of colapse.
Rob let out a slight hmmm as he studied Josh's face. Josh could tell Rob was starting to feel very relaxed and guessed that whatever booze was in his glass was not his first round. "You and Luke were on the same roster weren't you?" Josh said, hoping to keep Rob talking.
"Once upon a time." Rob replied, his eyes begining to sink slightly.
"Why did he leave?"
"I don't even remember..." Rob said after a lengthy pause, "ask him."
"Luke and me... We're... not really friends."
"Are we?" Rob said, very seriously.
"Ok asshole." Josh said, grabbing his plate and making his way to stand. He felt a hand on his wrist as his butt lifted off the seat.
"I'd like to be" Rob said, "This might have been a mistake but I don't regret it. I felt... well I had a good time. I think you did too. Can we... can we just pretend that you came over, we went for a swim, made up for all the stupid shit that happened at the first of the semester and then went to bed?" Josh couldn't believe what he was hearing. But what else did he expect? 'I don't want to be your buddy' echoed in his ear. Had he really believed those words last night? How could he have been so stupid?
"And about you wanting to touch me every time you see me?" Josh said, unable to catch himself before the words left his lips.
"I'll.. I'll deal with it." Rob said, removing his hand from Josh's wrist.
"Looks like I'll have an advantage then."
"When?"
"When we brawl..."
Rob snorted slightly, "I don't ever want to fight you again." Again Josh's chest swelled as he sat back down.
"So... your freshman year. That would have been around..." Josh trailed off, hoping Rob would pick up for him, but he didn't. "Around the same time your dad passed?" Josh continued, hoping he wasn't entering into too guarded territory.
He hesistated for a long time before responding, so much so that Josh was beginning to regret bringing it up, but after a while he spoke up. "It was a few months after he died. I was really angry, not at anything in particular, just angry at everything. I felt like there was this hole inside me and I cried over everything. The things that had meant so much to me like football, wrestling, swimming, even hunting and fishing - they were all things he and I had done together. He was gone a lot, stuff came up all the time, but he never missed a match or a trip we planned." Rob looked away and stared at the barely touched food on his plate as he continued. "Everything just got reduced to an empty seat. One he was supposed to be sitting in."
Josh just looked at him unsure of what to say. Rob was so difficult to read, his expression blank as he seemed lost in thought. Josh wanted to reach out and touch him, tell him it would be alright, but he knew Rob would only recoil at such an action. He didn't let people in, even Josh knew that much despite only knowing him a short while.
"So I went to recruitment night." Rob went on, "it was just a few cars parked in a circle behind the Walmart back then. I don't even know why I was drawn to it. No one from Rockshire was even involved back then except for a few of the rough kids. I guess... I guess I just wanted to feel something other than empty. Even if that something was just my face against pavement. Which happened, it was more real back then than it is today" he chuckled. "It was the first thing I found that didn't remind me of him because I know he wouldn't approve of it. Which I guess is pretty fucked up... like I'm rebelling against him or something when he's not even here." He finally looked up from the plate to look at Josh. His eyes were almost glazed which Josh thought strange since he hadn't taken a sip of his drink in quite a while yet he seemed to be getting more drunk.
"You said its fucked up but I get it." Josh said, unsure of where he was going with his train of thought. "The rebelling against someone not there part." He struggled with what to say next. He didn't want to tell the truth. He hated it too much and saying it made it real. So he stuck with his regular story. His regular tale caught somewhere between the truth and a lie. "My father walked out on us when I was really young. I always felt like there was something missing and that eventually gave way to me hating his guts. I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I don't think its fucked up to have feelings about someone not there."
They sat in silence. Neither of them exaclty sure what to say next.
"Well... it looks like we've both got a lot of baggage." Rob finally said.
"Looks that way." Josh replied.
"Where do we go from here Josh?" Rob almost whispered.
Josh had no idea how to answer. He was tempted to give Rob a dose of his own medicine by saying 'what do you want me to say?' But just before he could his phone began ringing.
"Hey mom." Josh said as he picked up the phone.
"Hey sweetheart, I'm outside. This place is gorgeous! Oh my god it's incredible." She said in a bewildered tone.
"I'll be out in two shakes just need to get my stuff together." And by stuff he meant that he still hadn't asked Rob if he could borrow a t-shirt since he had abandoned his shirt the night before when the brawl got raided.
"Alright baby, take your time!" She said hanging up.
"Well I guess this is bye Rob" Josh said, rising from the table, "I hate to eat and leave you with the dishes but I'm sure you'll manage" He continued with a smile.
"You still never answered me about being friends" Rob said, catching Josh's arm as he made his way to pass him. Josh stood still, rigid as he processed the question, he had avoided it for a reason.
"The answer is no..." Josh said with a sigh, "I don't want to be just friends with you Rob. Like you said this shouldn't have happened. We'll pretend it didn't. I think that would be best."
"So you're back to hating me." Rob said with his usual defenses.
"I never hated you... we're just on different sides I guess." Josh said, shrugging his shoulder.
"Different sides? So it's just a game."
"Jesus, are you always so serious?" Josh said laughing, "just promise me something... no matter what happens, just, smile more. ok?"
Rob shot him a confused look before nodding bringing a huge grin to Josh's face. "Now give me your shirt unless you'd like for me to explain to mom why I'm shirtless." He said.
"Let me run and go get you one" Rob said, standing from the table almost losing his balance.
"No time just give me that one" Josh said, pointing at Rob's chest.
Rob looked skeptical at first but eventually shrugged his shoulders and removed the shirt. The act had Josh feeling short of breath but he quickly brushed it off as he slipped the shirt on over his head. It was a snug fit but not uncomfortable, incredibly soft and still very warm from Rob's body heat. It made Josh feel extremely sexy wearing it.
"See you Monday I guess?" Josh said, feeling the awkwardness creep in, his hands reaching to the back of his head.
"See you then." Rob said, picking up the plates and moving towards the sink. He knew that Rob was upset with his answer but he couldn't lie to him. He really had no desire to be friends. But it was strange, Josh thought, as he made his way through the front door. A night like he just had, a deep conversation that bordered on a heart to heart, ending with a 'see you then' as if all they'd done had just been hanging out for the morning. What if he had said yes... could they be friends? Could it turn into more?
He shrugged off the thought as he entered his mothers car.
"You have a good time sweetheart?" His mothers bright eyes met his own, calming him immediately.
"Yeah mom I did"
"I'm so glad you are making friends! I was so worried about you when we moved here." She said, putting the car in drive as the spun around toward the gate to make their exit.
"Yeah mom..." he wrapped his arms about his chest soaking in the t-shirt, its warmth, its smell and the way it was just a tad bit too small for him. "That Robert Tilton is an odd one though."