PRELUDE .......
Everyone dreams. Some cultures say dreams are the sprits talking to you, others feel they are meant to remind you of the past or tell you of things to come. I wish I could tell you what mine mean. My name is Justin, and I don't know who I am any more. Well, what I do know is there is something wrong with me because I am not happy. I feel empty. Physically there is nothing wrong with me. I am 17 years old, I have dirty blond hair, I'm 6'0 tall and weigh about 180 lbs. I'm a senior at my high school with a 4.359 GPA. I am third year starting quarterback on the school's football team (I started my freshman year as back-up). We just won state for the fourth time in a row. I've broken all the state records for a quarterback. I have every big name college in the nation after me, like I need a scholarship anyway. My family is loaded.
I just feel empty and alone. I could have anything I want, but all I keep getting are these stupid dreams. My world came crashing down about four years ago when I entered high school. It's supposed to be the best time of your life, but mine ended five months after 9th grade started. See, I lost the three best friends I ever had. These were people that were with me as long as I could remember.
My mom said our friendship started when we were babies in day care. The four of us would always be together. If the teachers separated us we all would cry until we were put back together. We started walking around and talking at about the same time. Hell, I think our first words were each other's names. Our families then became good friends and we started doing everything together. We were inseparable. My mom started called us goldilocks and the three bears. Alex was the papa bear because he was the protector, me, I was the mama bear always looking after everyone. Brad was the baby bear, he was always getting in to trouble, and Alisa the intruder, as my mother would call her, always showing up when least expected, and getting into everything. My mother always laughed when she told me these things..
When one of us did something, all of us did it. When something happened to one of us, good or bad, it happened to all of us. I remember this first started when Brad broke his arm while we were playing at my house. My mom called Brad's mom and told her to meet us at the hospital, then packed us in the car and took all of us to the emergency room.
When we got there we were all so upset that we told the doctor that our arms hurt too. The doctor smiled when we insisted that he put us all in casts. He did, but with a slight modification. We could take ours off. After that we had to do and have the same things together. Like at 9 years old when I got my glasses, all of us got glasses. When Alex got braces at 12, yep, we all ended up in braces. It was sometimes scary, like having a whole other person feeling the same as you. Those were the best times of our young lives. I thought those times would last forever and just get better, but I was wrong. I don't know what happened after we entered high school. We just stopped hanging out with each other and started hanging out with other friends.
The first to go was Brad. He stopped doing stuff and started acting gay. He stopped playing football, soccer and all other sports and just wanted to go to the mall with Alisa and listen to music. I know listening to music does not make you gay, but the kinda music he listens to....all that boy band crap... Then outta the blue he was taking drama. Now I know he wasn't as good an athlete as Alex and I were, but that is no excuse to turn gay. Then I started to notice every now and then he would be looking at me ... not for long just short peeks. I started to peek back and smile, and I thought nothing of it. Then it happened; one night I remember waking up at one of our sleep overs and seeing him stare at me. He didn't know I was awake, as he was watching me sleep. I wondered why he was watching me, then the thought started to scare me. I rolled over in the other direction, but I could still feel him looking at me.
Then the last sleep over at my house with Alex and him, after he and Alex fell asleep I watched him sleep to see what it felt like. I wondered what he was thinking about as he watched me at the last sleep over? As I watched him, I started to feel something, something I 've never felt before. We always slept in boxers and a t-shirt whether it was hot or cold, on hot nights it was just boxers. This night it was one of the hottest so we were on top of our sleeping bags. I looked over at Brad and, had I been standing, I would have fallen down over what I saw.
I looked at his body and it was if I was seeing it for the first time, but it wasn't. It was like time slowed to a stand still. His body was smooth, his skin looked soft, and I was drinking it in like a person dying of thirst. I asked myself if he was feeling the same way I was, then suddenly he was awake and looking right at me. Then he smiled at me. I panicked and shouted, "What the fuck are you looking at? You're always looking at me when I sleep. Jesus, what are you, a fucking Fag?" Alex then rolled over still half asleep and moaned like he was waking up, but fell back asleep. The look in Brad's eyes showed fear. and I know I heard him crying that night. That was the last night he ever stayed over
Then it was Alisa's turn. Because Alisa's dad makes more money than both my parents combined, she started to attract a different kind of crowd, if you get my drift. She started turning into a mall rat with her new friends, and Brad was not allowed join them anymore. After that he stopped hanging out with Alisa, and Alisa stopped hanging out with us. I found out we were not on the A list. Then it was Alex's turn. He was here one day, and the next day he was a completely different person. It hurts like hell when I see them around school. It's even harder when I have them in the same classes. Take this year. My first period class is with Alex. I see him every day but we don't even talk, not even a hello. Hell we don't even look at each other. Some friends ... 14 years of friendship all to shit.
Right around 10th grade things went from bad to downright hell. I got a girlfriend and the worst day of my life happened. During lunch we were making out and it was getting hot and heavy when it happened. After 15 minutes of making it with one of the hottest girls in school, my mind suddenly was on Brad and the night of the last sleep over
I became instantly hard. Just like that, 15 minutes of nothing then BOOM, hello Mr. Happy. "Whoa" I said as I stopped making out. " I'm Sorry babe, I gotta go....I ah ...ah...left something for my next class in my locker.", as I quickly walked away. " Sorry." Was I missing him after a year of not seeing him or talking to him? Then I remembered the sleep over, mostly something I remembered about Brad as he slept that night. I remembered that he was hard. I was so angry and confused., Why was I thinking about Brad now, at this time? Why was I remembering that night, and why was I starting to get that feeling again? It was him! He was making me think this way, feel this way. He was tricking me. I had heard that's how "They" got you to be one of "them"
I was so angry ........ I took it out on him. I told a few people about the sleep over. It was like throwing a match onto some gasoline, it spread like a wildfire and Brad's life became a living hell right in the middle of it. After what I did, I dove into football and anything else that would take my mind off of him and what I had done. By the time the rumor got to Alisa, she was crushed. She knew that with her newfound friends, and her newfound status of the "rich and powerful", she could not be associated with some fag. I still can't figure out why she stopped hanging with Alex and me. I guess it was beneath her to hang with some stupid jock and Alex. Did I mention that Alex is black?.
Alex was having his own problems. He was rejected by everyone. The "brothers" that went to our school did not think he was "black enough", and choosing to go to a mostly white high school instead of your neighborhood school did not fly in his neighborhood. His family made good money, but "not enough" for some people and "too much" for others. So my two best friends became outcasts and Alisa and I became trapped in a world of deception, prejudice and forged personas, all of us with Broken Facades.
And then came the dreams .....
(c) 2001, Alex Nelson Reposted: January 30, 2001.