Author Alex Nelson Title Broken Facades: The Journal Chapter 4 Starting Anew
"So where are you heading to?" the redhead who had been watching Justin for the past 12 hours asked as she sat down next to him. Justin had an empty seat for the past 12 hours; he had guessed no one wanted to sit near him.
"Don't know yet, but I'll know when I get there," he said as he continued to look out the window.
"Good, that means you'll at least be on this bus as long as I'm going to be," the perky redhead said.
"Hi, I'm Kim," she said as she held out her hand. Slowly Justin looked at her, then her hand, "Don't worry, I don't bite, it just looks like you could use a friend."
Slowly reaching out his hand, "I'm Jus...Mitchell...Mitchell Kemper...Just plain old Mitch if you don't mind," he said as a little smile appeared.
"Wow, so you can smile," Kim said as she started to laugh. "I didn't think you could."
"Not much to smile about, lately."
"Bullshit, you're alive, that is enough to be happy about."
"You wouldn't say that if you were in my shoes," Justin said as he turned towards the window and continued watching the passing scenery.
"Well then, Mitchell Kemper, give me your shoes."
"Excuse me?" Justin said as he looked puzzled at the redhead as she started taking off her shoes.
"I hope yours don't stink," she said with a smile.
"What in the world are you doing?" Justin said as he again started to smile.
"I'm going to put on your shoes," she said with a smile back at him.
"Heath, I really, really want you to think about what you did."
"You don't know the trouble that you just started."
"Alex, relax, he doesn't understand what he did wrong."
"Tony, I don't think I did anything wrong."
"What do you mean, you don't think you did anything wrong? Heath, you outed Justin," Alex again
"And that's wrong because..."
"God, you just don't get it," Alex said as he started to move closer to Heath, almost getting in Heath's face.
"Alex, please calm down," Alisa said to Alex as she stepped between Alex and Heath and looked into Alex's eyes.
"Guys, I just don't understand the problem, please explain to me what is so wrong with what I did? Explain to me how giving my boyfriend's mother a book that will bring closure to her life is wrong."
"Because he's dead, Heath, and he can't explain things to her," Alex said after taking a deep breath and looking around Alisa.
"I know Justin is dead, Alex, remember, I am the one who wakes up every morning alone by himself. What you guys don't know is he did explain things, it's all in his Journal."
"God, you're exactly like him. The two of you are so much alike, stubborn asses!"
"Gee, thanks, I think."
"Heath, all Alex is trying to say is that we don't think giving Meredith Justin's Journal was such a good idea. You just opened a huge can of worms, bud," Tony said as he held Heath's shoulders and looked into his eyes.
"I don't see that, I see her discovering her real son and reading how much he loved her."
"Well, what we see is a depressed woman finding out that not only was her only son gay, but that his closest friends knew about it and hid it from her and her husband," Alex said as he turned around and looked at the ground.
"Not to mention they're also going to find out why he tried to kill himself a few years ago...I'm pretty sure you know that we all helped in causing that, including them?" Alisa said as she reached for Alex's hand.
"Justin does talk about it a little, but it picks up after the fact, I don't know the whole story...he never could tell me the whole story."
"Well, in a nutshell, with the pressure from his dad to be this great football star and his mom to start a family, the depression that he got from Alisa, Brad, and me rejecting him, then him finding out that Kate told us that he was gay, then add in Tony also finding out he was gay and then confronting him. I think that was enough to push him or anyone to almost kill themselves."
"I never knew the whole story. But still he forgave you all, and so will she."
"It's not us I am worried about, it's her forgiving herself. I don't know of many mothers that would be willing to forgive themselves if they thought that they drove their son to try to kill himself...I know if it was my son I wouldn't," Tony said, looking down
"Alex, Tony, I think we need to have this conversation somewhere else," Alisa said as she noticed that they were starting to get odd looks as people passed them on the street. "Why don't you two follow me and Heath to my house, Bradley is supposed to meet me there, we were going to go out to lunch, but now I have a few choice words for him."
"What time did you tell Meredith to meet us back at the office? I hope we aren't late," Daniel said as he looked at his watch as he and his wife stepped out of the elevator.
"I told her we would be back around," LeAnn paused as she too looked at her watch, then back at the face of her husband. It was then that she noticed the troubled look on his face. "Honey, what is wrong, you look worried?"
"It's nothing...I was just trying to think about what Meredith would want to talk to me about. You know how long Steve and I tried to get her to come in and talk, and now out of the blue she wants to talk to me."
"Sweetheart, she told me it is not that kind of talk, she said that she is fine and did not need a Doctor."
"I know and that's what I am worried about, Meredith had a very hard time dealing with Justin's death, and I don't think she is over his death. Hell, what am I talking about; I'm still not over it. But unlike her I had someone to talk to, someone to help me deal with what I was feeling. Meredith has not had anyone at all to talk to."
"I know but maybe that will change now that she wants to talk to you."
"Maybe, I just don't know what she wants to talk about, she may not talk about what she is feeling and going through and that is not healthy. I can only imagine all of the pain and emotion she has bottled up," Daniel said as he looked over to his wife who was smiling at him. "What?" he said, looking at her as they opened the door to his office.
"Do you know how much I love you for being who you are? I love how you care so much about your patients, it's like they are more than just patients."
"Well, Justin was more than just a patient, much more. I loved that kid."
"And that's what makes you such a great Doctor and why you will be a great father," LeAnn said as she took his hand and rubbed it over her stomach where their baby boy just gave her a good kick. As she started to pull Daniel in to give him a reassuring hug and then a kiss, a voice behind them startled them.
"I hope that closeness and your feelings of love you had towards my son will allow you to tell me the truth to some questions that I have," Daniel heard as he turned around to see Meredith standing at the entrance to his office.
"Heath, we're going to be late..." Justin said as he walked over to the other side of the bed, still trying to dry his hair with a towel. "Come on, Babe," he said as he reached down and touched his partner's back.
"Justin, it's 5 o'clock in the morning, just 15 more minutes, please," Heath moaned as he rolled over onto his back after looking at the clock on the nightstand.
"No way, buddy, didn't I warn you last night?"
"Jus... Please," Heath said as he whined and tried to hide under the blankets
"Don't make me have to get rough," Justin said as he threw the towel that he had in his hand at his lover, then attempted to pick it back up. But before he could, Heath grabbed his arm and pulled him back into bed.
"Heath," Justin said with a smile as his boyfriend pulled him back into bed, "You have to get up."
"I already am," Heath said with a wicked smile, as he took Justin's hand and slowly slid it under the waistband of his PJ's.
"Is that for me?" Justin said as he gave a gentle squeeze that caused Heath to let out a slight moan as he nodded yes.
"Well, I'm talking about waking up, silly."
"You know we could just stay here in bed and play all morning," Heath said as he moved in to kiss Justin, just as Justin started to rub Heath and work his way up to Heath's stomach. "Ach, morning breath," Justin said as he jumped up and ran away laughing.
"Ouch, that's cold and heartless, Jus... at least you could tell me where we are going?"
"What, and ruin the surprise?"
"You know, sometimes you can be just plain evil, Justin Mitchell ..."
"Mitchell...Mitchell..."
"Mitchell..."
"Heath..." Justin called softly as he awoke with a start and a single tear from his dream of the last day with the love of his life.
"Mitchell, are you ok?"
"Yea," Justin said as he wiped his face as he tried to gain back his composure. "I'm ok," he said with a reluctant smile as he turned to look out the window, fighting back the tears that he felt were about to burst open.
"Can I ask you something?"
"No, but I know you are going to ask it anyway," Justin said to Kim with a smirk as he turned to face her, already knowing what she was about to ask.
"You know you can be a wise ass at times. I only wanted to ask you if you knew that you talk in your sleep."
"What...I do not," Justin said as he began to laugh.
"Sorry to inform you, tough guy, but you do," Kim said, laughing along. "You should do that more often."
"Do what?"
"Laugh..." Kim said, pausing, "You know that you have a very beautiful smile."
"I only laughed because you're the second person that has told me that I talk in my sleep, which I don't."
"Yes, you do," Kim said as she started to laugh again. "You know, you are very stubborn."
"Ok, Miss Smarty Pants, if I talk in my sleep, what did I say?"
"You asked someone if something that he had was for you."
"I did? "Justin said as he continued laughing and he turned bright red from the embarrassment.
"From your reaction just now, that must have been some present Heath was giving you."
A shocked and panicked look came over Justin's face. "How did you..."
Seeing the look of horror on Justin's face, Kim was even more determined to get to know this stranger. "I'm sorry, Mitchell, but you said his name as I woke you up. I'm sorry that I upset you, but what's wrong and who is Heath?"
"Hi..." Brad said sheepishly to Alisa as the door suddenly opened as she started to put her key in the front door.
"Brad," Alisa said, surprised, as she started to remove her key.
"I got here just as your mom was leaving so, she let me in and..." suddenly Brad stopped talking as he saw Alex and Tony walking up the walkway, followed by Heath. "Jesus Christ, what the fuck is he doing here?" he said under his breath but knowing that Tony, Alex, and Heath were close enough to hear.
"And hello to you too, Brad," Heath said as coldly as he could as the three of them reached Brad
"Bradley Theodore James Westrick..."
"Brad, you need to chill out, I don't know what is going on with you and why you have a problem with Heath but we've got bigger problems," Alex said as he reached Brad
"I don't understand what the hell is wrong with you," Alisa asked as they all walked into the house.
"What's wrong with me? I should be asking the three of you; what's wrong with you guys. Why the hell are you guys treating this guy like he's your best friend? I mean, you barely know this guy, but yet you bring him home and treat him like he's one of us and you've known him all of our lives. I hate to break it to you guys but he's not Justin and he will never take his place," Brad said as he walked away, headed for the front door.
"Hey, fuck you; I'm not trying to take Justin's place," Heath shouted as Brad walked away.
"For Christ sake, Brad, what has gotten into you?" Tony said, not understanding why Brad would be so upset.
"Me? Look at the three of you," Brad said as he stopped short after hearing Tony speak up for the first time. "You guys are treating this guy like he is something special. First, when Justin dies you go running to help this guy supposedly cope with his loss. Now you are bringing him home and showing him around town like he's some lost brother returned."
"I can't believe this guy, do you think I asked for any of this. I wasn't the one who called Alex, Tony, or Alisa to come get me." Heath said.
"Heath, easy, let me talk to him," Alisa said as she walked over to Brad
"Heath," Tony said. "Let's let Alisa handle him, me, you, and Alex need to go into the kitchen and talk."
"Yea, maybe getting you away from him will calm him down," Alex said. "I am still mad at you though, but I am starting to understand why you did what you did," Alex said as he, Heath, and Tony walked into the kitchen.
"Alisa, we're going to get something to drink in the kitchen while you try to calm Bear down," Alex said as he and Tony led Heath away to the kitchen.
"Brad, baby, he is, he was Justin's boyfriend for three years, he took Justin's death real hard," she said as she reached to take his hand.
"He took it hard? What about me?" Brad said as he pulled his hand away. "Justin forgave you guys, he never forgave me. I never got the chance to make-up, Justin wouldn't even talk to me, when I last saw him he ran off and left me at his apartment. And I bet you he ran right to his house," Brad said as he tried to hold back the tears and pain that had consumed him since Justin's death. "I bet you he was the one that was telling Justin not to talk to me."
"Brad, now why would Heath tell Justin such a thing? He knew that Justin loved you."
"That's why, Alisa, don't you see it, he was jealous of me. He hated the fact that Justin still had feeling for me and I bet he didn't want Justin to rekindle our friendship because he knew that he could never get Justin if Justin was still in love with me."
"But Brad, you're not gay."
"I know that, but I also knew Justin better than anyone and I know he would never have been able to fall in love with anyone if he was still in love with me, remember, he broke up with Kate because of me. I just bet Heath was the one that kept telling Justin not to forgive me. That asshole was trying to take my place in Justin's heart, god, I hate him. I will never accept him, never."
"Brad, sweetheart, I know that you are still hurting from the loss of Justin, I am sorry you feel that way, but I know Heath and he would never do any of the things that you think he did."
"I can't believe you're picking his side, you're supposed to stand by me, your boyfriend."
"Baby, I am not picking his side, it's just I just know Heath and I know you are hurting real bad and don't mean to say the things that you just said. And I want you to know that we will help you get over your feeling that Justin somehow picked Heath over you, but right now we've got bigger problems to deal with," Alisa said as she again took Brad's hand.
"What are you talking about?" Brad asked
"Well, first, you can't get upset, Heath thought he was helping," Alisa said as she took a deep breath and prepared herself now knowing that her boyfriend was just looking for another excuse to add to his list against Heath.
"Go on," Brad said as he looked back towards the kitchen.
"Well, remember Justin's Journal?"
"Yea, I remember the one that he used to write in all the time after...after, you know," Brad said as he looked at his feet, as he remembered the day Justin almost killed himself and that he still had not fully forgiven himself for what he thought was his fault.
"Well, Heath kind of gave it to Meredith," Alisa said as she closed her eyes.
"HE FUCKING DID WHAT!!!"
"Meredith, it's so good to see you," Daniel said as he walked over to her and gave her a hug.
"It's good to see you too," she said as hugged Daniel, then walked over to LeAnn
"And you too, LeAnn, you look great," she said as she carefully hugged the expected mom. "By the looks of it you are so close," she said as LeAnn smiled.
"Yep, any day now, I am getting a bit nervous," she said with a smile then looked at her husband, who went to open his door and now made it back. "Now, Meredith, I know you didn't drive over here to see me so I'll let you and Danny go and talk and we'll talk later."
"Ok," Meredith said as she again hugged LeAnn. "You are so lucky and are gong to be so happy," she whispered as she walked into Daniel's office.
"Ok, Meredith, LeAnn said you wanted to talk, but before I do, I want to know; how are you, really?" Daniel said as he motioned her to sit on the big couch that he was sitting on in his office.
"Daniel, I told LeAnn this was not going to be a session. I am fine," she said with a half smile as she sat down next to him.
"Ok, I won't push, but when you are ready I want you to know I am here for you professionally and personally."
"Good, that is what I wanted to hear, because I need to know some things about...about Justin. And I wanted to hear them from his friend, not his Doctor. Because the rest of his friends are hiding things from me and since you and Justin were close, I am hoping you'll be the one friend that will answer my questions."
"Now, Meredith, you know that anything that Justin and I talked about I can't tell you."
"I know, I know, I just want to know if you know this young man that is in the picture with Justin," Meredith said softly as her hand shook as she reached into her purse and slowly pulled out a lone picture. To Daniel and everyone that knew about Justin and Heath, the picture said a thousand words. It was a picture of Heath hugging Justin from behind, Daniel took a deep breath, because he knew what Meredith was here to ask.
"From your reaction I take it you know him?" Meredith said as she edged closer to Daniel on the coach that they were sitting on
"Meredith, I can't lie to you, answering that question would not break my oath of confidentiality that I have to Justin, but please don't ask me the question that I know you want to ask."
"I have to, Daniel, I have to. Do you know this young man?"
"Yes," Daniel said as he looked her in the eyes, "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes, Daniel, what is his name?"
"His name is Heath, now Meredith, before you ask the next question; do you really want to do this?"
"Yes, I have to... I have to do this because of this." Meredith said as she again with trembling hands reached into her purse and pulled out the Journal.
Daniel slowly closed his eyes as he looked down, then opened them as he looked back at Meredith, "If you have that, then you really don't need me. All of your answers are in there," Daniel said with a smile as he took Meredith's trembling hands together with the Journal and held it against her chest.
"But I do need you, Daniel," Meredith said as she started to cry "I need you to tell me what will I find in this Book."
"The only thing I can tell you that you will find is the hopes, dreams, and the truth about your son," Daniel said as he pulled Meredith into a hug and let her cry a cry that she had needed for a long time.
"I am scared, Daniel, I am scared of what I might find," Meredith said as she slowly pulled away from Daniel and looked into his eyes
"Meredith, why would you be scared of Love?" Daniel said with a smile, "Tell me, how on earth, did you get Justin's Journal?"
"That young man in the picture...Heath, gave it to me," she said. "I'm sorry that I closed myself away from you, LeAnn, and all of my friends, I don't even know what you two are having."
Suddenly Daniel started to tear up, trying to gain his composure. "We're having a boy," he said proudly as he looked down at Meredith, all the while thinking that without trying Heath had done something no one else could, he caused a break through.
"Have you named him yet?" she asked
With that question, the normally strong doctor broke down like a small child, slowly nodding his head as he cried. Meredith knew she didn't even have to ask any further, she knew the baby's name...It was Justin. She just simply smiled and held Daniel as he now cried.
Kim awoke with a start as she heard laughter and felt as though she was bouncing on a bed. As she opened her eyes she saw a smiling little boy that looked around 7 years old, with strawberry blond hair, with ice blue eyes, smiling down at her. Slowly sitting up and looking around the room she started wondering where she was and who the little boy was.
"What's wrong, mommy?" the little boy asked
"What...What...did you say?"
"I said what's wrong, mommy?" the little boy asked as he moved closer to give her a hug, then felt her forehead, "Are you sick?"
"No, I'm ok...I'm just a little dizzy."
"Daddy, daddy, come quick, mommy's not feeling good."
"I'm a coming," the voice said from outside the room "Now, what's this about someone being sick?" the voice said with a laugh.
"Mitchell?"
"You called, my dear?" Mitchell said with a smile and a bow. "JP, don't climb on your mother if she isn't feeling well, sweetie."
"JP is his name?" she asked as she covered her mouth, trying to hold back joy.
"Yes...what, did you forget your own son's name? JP, she isn't your mom, silly."
"Yes, she is," the little boy laughed as he moved from the bed over to his father's side.
"I think she's hungry, I know what will cheer her up; let's make her breakfast in bed."
"Yea, we'll be right back, mommy."
"Wait, Mitchell...Mitchell..."
"Mitchell...Mitchell."
"Kim, wake up...Kim!"
"Mitchell...where am I?"
"Ah, on a bus heading to Arizona, are you Ok?"
"Yes...I just had a really weird dream, that's all."
"Care to share?"
"Only when you do," she said with a smile. "You know, I never noticed how blue your eyes were."
"Where is he, where is that bastard?" Brad said as he rushed into the kitchen where Tony, Alex, and Heath were drinking and trying to figure out the next step toward solving what to do about Justin's mom.
"Oh, Shit!" Alex said as he saw the rage in Brad's eyes.
"Brad, we are not going to do this, now," Tony said as he stepped in front of Brad, trying to keep him away from Heath.
"Fuck, Tony, why are you defending this guy? I can't believe you; do you know what he did?" Brad said as he tried to get around Tony only to have Tony grab him from behind and hold him, desperately trying to calm him down.
"Yes, Brad, I know what he did. And together we are going to figure out what to do and we are going to do it calmly and rationally,." Tony said as he held Brad from behind.
"Rationally? How can we be calm when that mother fucker pretty much told Justin's mom that he was gay?" Brad said as he struggled to get free from his friend.
"You know what; I don't need this shit, Tony, I'll see you at your house," Heath said as he started to walk past Tony as he held Brad.
"No, you're not leaving, you bastard!" Brad said as he got loose and grabbed Heath by the arm. "Not until you tell me why you are trying to destroy everything?"
"Get the fuck off me," Heath said as he pulled away from Brad, but while Brad was trying to hold on to Heath, Heath pulled his arm back and accidentally hit Brad in the mouth. As Brad crouched over in pain, grabbing his mouth, his anger suddenly reached its boiling point. "You mother fucker, I'll kill you!" he said as he lunged at Heath, grabbing him around his neck, then started to squeeze. With tears and hatred in Brad's eyes he kept squeezing, trying to wring the life out of the person that stole his place in Justin's heart.
"Brad, stop it, you're killing him!" Alisa screamed as she watched her boyfriend trying to choke the life out of her friend.
Copyright 2001, Alex Nelson