Carry On Our Way By CJ PERALTA Written: 8/31/00
----------- Author Note: Ay, this is my first shot at this, writing thing. I only ask for feed back. Should I write more or what?
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexual orientation, beliefs or anything else about the real members of 'N Sync. If you are under 18, or are offended by graphic depiction of homosexual relationships, please do not read this.
- Enter Lance Bass
[Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . .]
"6am, already? Got to wake up!"
[Short pause]
Today I'm . . . I'm going to be roaming the city. I don't want anyone to be close to me.
"Ya right."
[Shorter pause]
I'll turn off my cellular, I'm gonna try to hide away all day long.
[Pause]
Wait what if HE we're to call? But even if HE were to call me I'd have nothing to say! Well I do, but . . . I dunno.
[Gets up, pause, prepares to shut off cellular]
I want to exit this circle I'm stuck in. Just be alone today... Having to do things, work it really sucks.
[Ring . . . Ring . . . Ring . . .]
If I wait maybe it'll stop?
[Ring . . . Ring . . . Ring . . .]
Guess not.
[Ring . . . Ring . . . opens cellular]
"Hello?"
It's him. Like a ripe fruit, I'm overflowing. I must be so RED. I want to be filled with . . . 'STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS' about my desires! But . . .
[Pause]
"Oh."
[Pause. Laughs]
[Listens]
"Okay, I'll see you then. Bye."
[Pause, shuts cellular. Lies back down, stares at window.]
Ya know why do they have curtains, here? Isn't that so old? Blinds are better. I have blinds at home. HOME.
[Pause]
"Yes, I'll . . . I'll be all right." If I keep saying it out loud, maybe it'll be come more then just a lie.
[Serious face]
"Yes, I'll be all right." I'll go out to dance with my usual group. In rhythm with a hip beat. I can see it now.
[Pause] The conversations never end. I hate this thought. [Sighs] Pretty soon we won't be able to meet together like this. [Frown] We'll be opening the door to a future we can't imagine.
[Pause. Stares at cellular in hand.]
Tonight, with all my heart Ah, I want to burst out, just be straightforward. If I practice . . .
[Clears throat.]
"Let's dance until dawn, just the two of us"
What luck! DANCE n CHANCE.
[Pause. Puts down phone. Puts face in pillow.]
"YES, I'LL BE ALL RIGHT!"
[Turns. Stares at ceiling.]
It said in those books HE carries in his knapsack. That Taurus's are destined to meet people. But for now, it's my single days. Well, that book also said Leo's were supposed to get things quicker. But guess that was wrong. I dunno.
[Shrugs]
Recently I've been DISTANT. Things look pretty bad already. What do I do...? It would be nice if I could be a bit more forceful.
[Gets up. Walks to Bathroom. Brushes teeth.]
[Recalls.]
At the transfer platform, where we get the TOUR buses ready. HE had brought along his girlfriend. [Sigh] I frantically hid myself; I was so upset, surprised too. [Recalls more] With a concerned face, Justin asked what was wrong. He must have seen past my mask. He comforted me. Though he's young, he's an expert on love. So he knew about my feelings.
- Enter JC Chasez
It's 6:10am already. Should I? Why, not? We're best friends. Shoot.
[Picks up cellular. Dials.]
Ya know. It's times like these that make me wonder. How did Romeo feel when he kissed Juliet? I've been shown some miserable times, I was able to find freedom and peace for awhile. That sure went away quick.
[Ring . . . Ring . . . Ring . . .]
Why is HE not answering? Come on PooFu wake up.
[Ring . . . Ring . . . Ring . . .]
Where's the darling of my future...?
[Ring . . . Ring . . .]
Yeah, here we go.
[Pause]
"Lance. It's JC."
[Pause]
"Oh? Good morning to you too."
[Laughs]
"Well, its only 6. But I thought that maybe you'd like to have some breakfast. I know this great place down the street. How's around 7am sound to ya. I think we're all going clubbing later tonight too."
[Pause] "Bye. I'll pick you up, aiite."
[Pause, shuts cellular.]
[Goes to the mirror. Stares. Recalls.]
When I enjoyed myself, I could say so. We'd laughed together from the heart, hear that tone HE has. I'm worried sometimes. He's trying to run now. Why? Happiness is always something. That was in the ordinary center of things when we were together just hanging.
[Pause. Fixes hair. Recalls on.]
Though there were times I hated. The attraction of emotions is a pretty mysterious thing.
[Pause]
Now when I think about it. He started running on that day.
[Walks toward door. Recalls.]
Walking into the main street of life. I needed a feeling of reality. I wanted to feel it, if only just a bit.
That Friday Night I forgot to go home. A friend who had a friend invited me out at midnight. Conversation going fine, I had a good night. And then riding in my side seat a person I could feel REALITY with. I was so happy. I wanted to let everyone; my friends feel my joy.
[Pause. Turns door knob.]
It was at the transfer platform. I had asked her to come. She met Justin and Lance. I'm glad that we could be such close friends, like that. Who never hurt each other? I showed her off, she didn't mind. Justin said `hi' and he looked happy for me. Lance on the other hand.
[Pause. Goes out of door.]
Lance and I matched so well, Lance didn't seem happy, I could tell. He smiled and waved. Why couldn't he just be happy for my sake? It was just a small beginning. I never wanted him to run from me. I don't want to lose him. I wonder why it is. That I can't live easily like that girl I dated.
[Walks.]
It's only 6:30. I'll just walk around the hotel.
[Waves.]
"Hi."
I wonder if that maid was happy or sad?
[Walks more. Puts hand in pocket. Takes something out.]
Though life isn't as easy, as I picture it. A playful photo from a date can bring a guy up.
[Looks at wallet photos. Recalls.]
Just like a dream I gave up and started to lose, she wasn't the right one. "Love me for the rest of your life" means what? I knew it wasn't her. I knew that in reality, something was missing.
[Turns to next page of photos in wallet.]
Lance.
[Smiles. Stares at photo. Stops walking.]
Isn't that enough? Stop running. You always act as if you don't notice. It would be nice if I could say, "I want to try," Hey Yeah. I've got no time to spare, I can't explain. There's nothing I can do! But I'm drawn to you... I'm being trapped, caged. Are you seeing through me?
[Start to walk again.]
- Knock, Knock and a knock.
"Lance?"
[Knock. Knock. Knock.]
[JC thinks.] I used to think only about meaningless things but when I met you.
[Door opens.]
[JC thinks more.] I couldn't say anything no matter what happened between us when I dated HER and asked you to be accepting. But that is my kind of character, which is a risk. I need to be open. I can't let you run.
"Morning, JC."
"Are ya ready yet?"
[JC steps in.]
"Almost, hey nice shirt."
"Ya you too, orange is good. How are ya this morning?"
[Lance thinks.] I wanna sleep still. I wanna be with you. Everytime I want you to love me. Why are we going out to eat? Why only us two? I can't lie to myself anymore. He knows. I know he knows. I can't pretend to be a good boy anymore.
"I'm just peachy. Is it just us two?"
[Lance thinks.] I've been taught lying is bad. Whats even worse is asking stupid questions, that you know the answers too.
"Yup, just us TWO."
[Pause. JC thinks.] Nothing's changed since back then. Ya right. But things are never that simple. Even as we do this, I can tell how far away we are from each other. Is it my fault?
"Sit down, I'm almost done."
[Lance runs to the bathroom. JC sits.]
"Ya know I gave you 30mins to get ready."
"Shhh."
[JC thinks.] If I were more open, maybe he'll be open.
"Ya know. I called uh, my mom last night. She's fine, she um. Asked about you."
[Lance walks back in the room.]
"Really? Why? Is there something wrong?"
[Lance thinks.] LUV EMOTION: vibe in my heart right now. LUV VIBRATION: I've reached the limits. Even though I have no confidence. Can I risk it? I can make an unbelievable miracle happen right now. I love you. Simple, but its not.
"Nah, nothing like that . . ."
[JC pauses.]
[JC thinks.] My heart's pounding. I'm not my usual self today. Be prepared. Just go.
[JC goes on.]
"Actually. She was wondering why you never stopped by when ever I go there. Like we use to. She says she misses you. She was worried if you were ill, or that you didn't want to see her. I just told her you've been busy."
[JC thinks.] We matched so well. Even my mom knew it. She KNOWS.
[Lance puts on a boot.]
"I'm sorry. It's just I haven't been really . . ."
[Lance pauses.]
[JC thinks.] Why are you trying to avoid me, Lance even my mom noticed.
[Lance goes on.]
"I'm not trying to avoid you, if that's what's going in your head. I just want . . . Want to be alone. Lately . . ."
[Lance thinks.] What am I doing? Lovely move! I'll tell HIM about my love with all my might. How he can light a fire in my heart. I can boldly take a step forward. I've got to show courage and be honest with myself Look only at me... please. I want to be loved by you!
"Do you not want to go out for breakfast then? I could uh, eat by myself."
[Pause. JC thinks.] Spring breeze. I want it to be spring. Go! & Go! Regret. Don't let him say yes. It ticks me off how he's acting. But I've entrusted my heart. To a warmth that, I can never hate nor dislike.
"NO!"
[Lance thinks.] Was that too forceful? Let his reaction be good.
"Ok?"
[Lance puts on another boot.]
"JC. I'm sorry."
[JC thinks.] Just now it's like a rolling wave encompassing me. Where did this sadness come from?
"Sorry? For what?"
[JC thinks.] It seems as if the green of those bright eyes is withering.
[Pause. Lance puts his hands on the ground.]
"This. This: Wall between us. Somewhere in this never-ending voyage I call my life. I assured my self I'd never let go."
[Pause]
" . . ."
"Of anything I hold precious! I have or I have been trying."
"Lance . . ."
"Everyone here is the same. Everyone continues to have self- promises. It's started to fade; I've started letting go. Letting go of what WE had. I gamble on my promises to myself."
"Lance your . . ."
"JC no, listen to me. Days and nights, which replace each other naturally. That was like US. Isn't that right? This feeling, I know you feel it too."
"I . . ."
"It's not something that you can talk about seriously. Or at least I can't. That pain which becomes unfeelable. I can't run from it anymore."
"Lance."
[JC thinks.] The faint light of the room won't even reach us. The curtains hide the outside. What I can hear is his heart's vibe. The clocks are turning today into yesterday. At such a moment, tears suddenly overwhelm me.
"JC. I can't say bye-bye with a smile anymore. Let's put our hands over the past. Let it just be yesterday. And start to walk on."
[Pause.]
"I recently understood this world. Just by hearing your voice. But the hard things will continue to increase. I want to stand against it with you. I want you; I've always felt this way. Your right, we don't talk about it seriously. 'Cuz we don't have to. We just know."
[Pause. They stare at each other.]
[They both laugh.]
"Okay I thought I was cheesy."
"Oh thanks. I was trying to be poetic."
"Look. I meant what I said."
"I know. Look let's just go to breakfast."
[Pause.]
"I love you."
[Pause.]
"I love you too."
FEEDBACK: cjusagi@cs.com Story content copyright 2000 CJ P.