Here I am with four more chapters. I hope people are enjoying the story and don't find it too boring or difficult to read. I haven't gotten that much feedback. :-/ I tried to end it with a cliff hanger - sort of.
Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex. The usual disclaimer applies.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Kevin stared out his hotel window. It was going to be a dismal day, drizzly and impossible to dress for, the temperature hovering somewhere between chilly and sweaty. Kevin leaned both hands on the sill and just stared out at the old city streets, little bakeries and family businesses tucked under ornate looking apartment buildings. Kevin felt as though he just wasn't appreciating anything in life any more. He didn't go to a new place and take it in; he felt as though everything just slipped by him, as meaningless as the next. You can't create love, Kevin said to himself, just like you can't create faith. All you can do is try to open yourself to that possibility. Hope that it will flow through your body and heal you, allow yourself to be carried away by its force. A nice idea, he thought bitterly.
Brian was bending over to tie his shoes when he felt a spreading pain in his temples. He had another bad headache coming on, and Brian walked stiffly over to the dresser, pulling open the top drawer on Nick's side, since he'd seen Nick take some aspirin that morning. He pulled out the bottle of Advil and dropped two pills in his hand. Brian was about to put them in his mouth when he noticed that they weren't yellow, they were white. He examined them and found that they weren't even aspirin; they were in fact valium, and obviously not a prescription since Nick had them in an Advil bottle. Brian flung the pills back in the bottle angrily and slammed the drawer shut. He walked to the bed and sat down, rubbing his forehead as he listened to the shower running. How am I supposed to talk to Nick about this? All he's going to do is get pissed off that I went through his stuff, and turn it around so that's all we talk about. The shower shut off and Nick came padding into the room, clutching one of the small European towels around his waist. He turned to give Brian the smallest, sweetest smile, like a special gift just for him. Brian's heart went out to him; Nick looked so tired, so beaten down. I'm not being good enough to Nick, Brian thought. If I were a better lover and partner, he wouldn't have to do this to himself. "Do you know how much I love you, Nicky?" Brian asked gently. "Mmm, you can tell me if you want, Bri. Do you want to pick out my clothes for me?" "Sure, baby," Brian said, "I'll take care of you."
"So, Danielle," Misha grinned as he buttoned his shirt up, "did you and A.J. have an encounter of the hot and horny variety last night?" "No, no," Dani laughed, "but we did have an eighth grade moment. That's what Alex called it, anyway." "Alex," Misha repeated, chuckling. Dani preferred to call A.J. that; it seemed more intimate somehow. "He walked me to my room and we stood out there like 'well, good night.' 'see ya tomorrow.' 'ah... yep.' It was pretty funny." "No kiss?" "Nope," Dani sighed, "definite kiss vibe, but no kiss." "Alas," Misha said, checking himself over one last time before they deparated for breakfast. "Maybe it's all for the best. I'm not sure if I like you messing around with that McLean kid." "Shaddup! I'm not the one who went out for a fancy dinner. What's the scoop on that?" "Tell you later," Misha grinned, "we gotta jet." "Brat," Dani laughed.
Dani and Misha came in Kevin's room to find the Backstreet Boys already there. They seemed to live in a bubble; only the photographers and Leighanne penetrated their world. Moreover, each Backstreet Boy lived in his own little bubble, separate from the others, or at least this was true until Nick and Brian merged. They were feeding each other breakfast and kissing in between bites. Everybody else was steadfastly ignoring them. Howie looked comatose, and Kevin glanced up once or twice at Misha before resuming his battle with a piece of grapefruit. A.J. looked huggable in a pair of pajamas, but whether or not he was actually awake was unclear, since he had sunglasses on. "Ugh," Misha whispered to Dani as they served themselves from the buffet, "it's Zombie Brian." "At least they're not actually eating the food off each other's bodies," Dani whispered back, "at least not yet."
Kevin cleared his throat to get everybody's attention, as much as that was possible, and began speaking. "As you all know, we have two days off after our show in Frankfurt. I'm not sure if you guys already have plans, but I was thinking-" "I have plans," Nick said quietly, and Brian's head jerked around in surprise. "Oh, well..." Kevin said, looking back and forth between Nick and Brian. "Never mind then, it was kind of a group thing." "What are you doing, Nick?" Howie asked suspiciously. "Going to London for a show," Nick mumbled, speaking with food in his mouth. "You are?" Brian frowned. "Yup." "A solo concert?" Howie asked, his voice squeaking into a slightly higher register. "Yup." "Excuse me?" Kevin asked, furrowing his thick eyebrows at the blond. "You heard me," Nick said defensively. He stared at his plate of food. Misha and Dani felt the tension level in the room skyrocket.
"Clive and Lorna know about this?" Kevin asked. "Of course they do," Nick said irritably, rolling his eyes at him. A.J. crumpled up his napkin and set it down neatly. Dani watched him closely. "So basically, you're using our tour and us as a group to promote your solo career," A.J. said. "And Clive and Lorna are selling us four out from underneath for your benefit," Howie added. "I just have a lot of fans and they want to hear my solo stuff," Nick scowled, but his smirk was fading rapidly. "Now just chill out already, okay?" "Nice, Nick," Kevin said sarcastically. "Really classy." "Yeah," A.J. said, "typical Carter class." "Don't talk about my family that way," Nick said quietly. "Do you have any more of these solo concerts planned?" Howie asked. Nick didn't respond, and A.J. got up angrily. "Fuck this," he said, and he turned around to leave. "This is bullshit," Howie said, and he got up too. "You guys," Brian pleaded, "come on, we've all been doing solo projects, this doesn't mean-" "Zip it, Rok," A.J. said. "Your head's too far up Nick's ass to know right from left. He's already making more money than the rest of us put together. Aren't you, Nicky? Now we're just going to be the sideshow for the Carter family tour? I don't think so." Nick got up and stumbled out of the room, shoving past Howie and A.J. and slamming the door behind him.
Misha watched as tears began to slide down Brian's cheeks. The young man stood and wiped them away angrily. "I hope you all are happy," Brian said. "I don't know how you expect to continue touring this fall without me or Nick." He walked out and slammed the door again for good measure. Misha and Dani looked at one another, alarmed. They were supposed to do a show tonight? "What happens now," A.J. said dully. "We can't bail on the tour," Howie said, "we have contracts. And we can't let down the fans who have tickets. We have to go on as just us three." "Whoah," Kevin said, raising a hand. "Slow down. Calm down. The Backstreet Boys are not breaking up." Howie shook his head, frustrated. "Kevin, I can't put up with this crap any more. It is not worth it to me any more!" Realising what he had just said, Howie sat down, slumping low on the couch and seemingly crushed by his own words.
"Let's not all panic and do something drastic," Kevin said. "Let's just take today and think about it, and say, is it worth fighting for? Do we have something together, as the Backstreet Boys, that we still need to hold on to, or should we just quietly go our own ways, after this tour, or end this tour early or... I don't know what." Kevin looked rather unemotional about the whole thing. "The show must go on," A.J. said sarcastically, and he got up to leave. "Bone, wait-" Howie called after him, but A.J. just walked out without looking back. Dani wanted desperately to go after him, but it wasn't her place. She had no business getting involved in this kind of an issue.
The show went about as well as could be expected. Nick and Brian sequestered themselves in one of the dressing rooms and did not emerge until the last minute. There was some obvious tension during the show, no banter or fooling around on stage, and people were off in several numbers. During one of Nick's solo numbers, "Lonely Nights," A.J. and Howie decided not to sing, and just sat there on stools instead of adding their voices to the back-up. Nick returned the favour for one of A.J.'s songs which they had worked into the show, "Tragic Day," walking off the stage and not coming back until the last minute, when the band had already hit the first few notes of the next song, "Quit Playing Games." Nick sang another solo toward the end of the show, "Losing You," which he always sang without backup, and this time his voice was noticeably scratchy, and Dani could have sworn that he was actually crying. She asked Misha what he thought, but he dismissed it as typical Nick theatrics. "You can always tell the child actors," he scowled. "Hey," Dani frowned, "Alex was a child actor."
After the show, the guys split off, none of them in the mood for any camaraderie, and sealed themselves into their rooms. Dani figured that if A.J. wanted to see her, he knew where to find her. If he wanted to get drunk and have sex with groupies, she would rather not know about it. She realised when she got back to her room that it would be nice to see Leighanne again. It did get tiresome being the only woman in the "inner circle." Maybe Leighanne could give her some dirt on A.J. Dani put on headphones to listen to some non-Backstreet Boys music, clearing her mind and distracting her from Nick and Brian fucking in the room next door. It was sweet how they loved each other and all, but Dani hoped she wouldn't have to room next to them again. Misha debated going to see how Kevin was doing, but the tall singer was just too unapproachable, and he decided to give it a pass. Kevin, for his part, debated going to see Misha, but decided that it was too pushy, and what if Misha didn't really want to see him anyway? After all, it was Brian that Misha was interested in. He'd even admitted to it back in Amsterdam.
Brian held Nick in his arms and listened to his lover's heart beating wildly in his chest. Nick had been just a little too bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the end of the concert for Brian's comfort, but Brian couldn't bear to ask him any upsetting questions. The concert had been rough enough. Nick kissed Brian's bare chest and slipped out of bed. "Where are you going, baby?" Brian asked anxiously. "Just right here," Nick said softly. He sat on the couch, lighting a cigarette and pouring himself a glass of vodka. "Let me come sit with you," Brian said, although he hated being around anybody smoking and Nick knew it. "It's okay, Bri," Nick said, "I just need to chill out. You just go to sleep." "You can't just fall asleep with me?" "I'll be there in a few minutes, Bri." Nick took a drag off his cigarette and drained his glass. He shut his eyes and felt the comforting warmth of the liquor in his system. "Are you okay?" Brian's voice came floating across the room. Nick smiled at him in the dark. "I'm fine, I just need to relax." Relax, and forget, and smooth things over. Nick wasn't looking forward to seeing his mother. Nick finished another glass, and another, and another, wiping his lips and using his cigarette as a chaser. The day hadn't been so bad after all. Just a stupid argument, no big deal... Nick lost track of time, and felt Brian's hands on his chest, Brian kissing his neck. "Come to bed, baby." "I'm falling asleep here," Nick mumbled. "I know, come with me." Nick curled up in the warm spot Brian had left in bed, sighing contentedly as Brian's arms wrapped around him, as Brian's lips softly brushed his forehead. "I love you Nicky," Brian said, hugging him tightly. "Love you too," Nick sighed. "Let me take care of you," Brian whispered, "let me make you feel better." "Hmm, you do Bri, you do make me better," Nick mumbled, half-asleep. Brian stroked Nick's soft hair, his mind turning over and over.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
The bus ride to Frankfurt was of little consequence. Howie managed to spend the entire trip talking to his wife Maria on a cell phone, and Misha and Dani tried to figure out just how expensive that might be. Things were still very tense and A.J. made it clear that he was not interested in talking to Dani or anybody else. Kevin busied himself working on a song, playing a few notes on a guitar and scribbling lyrics in a notebook. Nick and Brian hid in one of the sleeping bunks and were probably sleeping for most of the trip, but nobody went near them just in case they weren't. There was a bit of a scene at the hotel, since somebody had not done a great job with crowd control and the guys had to run through a back entrance with bodyguards surrounding them. Dani and Misha waited a while before going in, but they still got mobbed simply because they had been on the bus with the Boys. "They all think I'm Nick," Misha said drily. "We should sign some autographs," Dani grinned. "I'll be Howie."
There was another covert meeting before the show the next day, hosted by Leighanne, who had come in from Switzerland that morning. Kevin gave her the details of the solo concert fiasco and its possible consequences. "Maybe we all overreacted a little bit," Kevin said, looking at the others sternly. "But it does need to be discussed." "Here's what I think," Leighanne said, wrapping one tanned leg around the other as she spoke. She wore a pale blue power suit with a miniskirt and spiked heels, her hair a bit frizzy from the damp in the air. "Nick is the one who's been fucking up. If his mother tries to pull something, take her aside and let her know that it would be really unfortunate for the world to hear about Nick's drug problems and how it brought down the Backstreet Boys." "Oh, that's twisted," A.J. objected. "It's not something we would really do." "For one thing, Brian would never speak to us again," Howie said, Kevin nodding in agreement. "Right," Leighanne said. "But Jane needs to know that we do have some leverage, like Nick's image."
"Very impressive," Dani smiled at Leighanne as the group split up. "Oh, you liked that idea? I just thought of it," Leighanne laughed. Her face fell and she shook her head. "You know Dani, I'm worried about Brian." "You do really care about him, don't you?" "How can you not?" Leighanne smiled. "He's what my grandmother would call a 'good egg.'" "I'm sure he has some flaws," Dani said with a smirk. "What man doesn't," Leighanne chuckled. "I adore Brian, he's like a brother to me. And that's why I'm pissed at him. He hasn't been talking to me, because he knows that I want to talk him out of seeing Nick." Leighanne sighed. "We'll see. I would like to catch up with him before this little break." "You're taking off again?" "Yep, to London." "Let me guess.. front row tickets to that Nick Carter concert?" Leighanne made a face. "Uh... No..." she laughed. "I have an audition for a play." "Oh, wow. Good luck." "Thanks," Leighanne smiled sweetly. "I've been working really hard to prepare. We shall see... Now, hopefully I can nab Brian before then." It wasn't a good moment to start pressing Leighanne for A.J. info, so Dani left without bringing it up, going to see if she could find the man himself.
"Misha, can I come in for a few?" "Brian... Of course." Misha smiled excitedly and let the handsome singer into his hotel room. Brian perched on the edge of the couch a bit nervously. "What's up?" "Oh, not too much. Just wanted to see how you were doing." There was a hint of anxiousness or frustration in Brian's voice, and Misha tried to set him at ease. "Can I get you something to drink?" "No, thanks." Misha sat down in an armchair across from him and gave him an encouraging smile. "I'm doing okay," Misha said, "I have to admit that I've been a little worried about the group and all..." "Yeah, it's been ugly," Brian sighed, his eyes sweeping the floor. "I think it will blow over. It seems like the other guys feel bad about reacting the way they did." "Well, it would be nice if they told Nick that." Brian rested his chin on his hand and gazed off into space. Misha was staring at him; he couldn't help it. Kevin was a handsome man, but Brian was the guy who Misha originally swooned over, and he also had a much more welcoming personality. Making casual conversation with Kevin required work, whereas it came naturally with Brian. He was rather petite, but that only made Brian seem more perfect to Misha, as though no centimetre of his person was wasted or excessive.
"So Misha... Do you have any plans for this little break?" They made eye contact, and Misha could see that Brian had something to suggest, so he answered casually, "no, not really. I think I was just going to go on to Berlin... I don't know." "Feel like going to London?" Brian grinned, but again, there was a flash of nervousness there. "With you and Nick?" Misha frowned. "Well, here's the deal," Brian said quickly. "Leighanne is going to London, and we'll be at the same hotel, but in different rooms. And Nick... well, he'll be with his family." "Okay..." Misha said slowly, still not understanding where this was going. "Anyway, I thought it might be fun to have someone to go with. Leighanne is going to be real busy with an audition, and Nick will be doing the show and catching up with his family and all. I thought maybe you'd like it ... " Brian's voice dropped off, and he looked a bit nervous. This was understandable, Misha realised, not only because of things said by various people, but also because there was a certain amount of sexual tension between them, whether or not Brian pretended there wasn't. Misha stared at Brian's knee, not able to make eye contact right away as he considered this. Did some small part of Brian want to be with him?
Misha looked up at Brian and caught his gaze before the singer turned away. There was loneliness in those pale blue eyes. Boy, Misha thought, between the two of these guys, Kevin and Brian, there is a lot of pain. Kevin won't let anybody get close to him and Brian... Well, he does love Nick, like his own flesh and blood, but is he still in love with him? Or is he in love with him out of guilt, or out of pity? Is he getting back what he is giving? All these thoughts crossed Misha's mind in a flash, and his heart went out to Brian. He was in a tough position, especially with Nick so needy at that time. "That does sound like fun," Misha said with a little smile. "You won't see Nick at all?" Brian sighed. "Nick's family doesn't really accept our relationship. I just think it might be easier on him if we don't. I told him that I'll be there and if he wants to get together, to call me, and we can figure it out from there." "But Brian ... Nick isn't going to want me to be with you, is he?" Brian shrugged. "I think he'll understand. I just... I think you and me get along real well and we'd have a blast together." "I do too," Misha said. "I just don't want to make things more complicated." "You won't ... I just ..." Brian sighed. "Things with Nick are really rocky and it's nice to have somebody else to talk to. And even beyond that, it's so hard to make friends living this kind of life. Even if you do connect with somebody, you're always travelling, and you can't keep up." He looked up to make eye contact with Misha. "I know, Brian," Misha said softly, "from the first time we talked, I just felt like we connected." "I felt that way too," Brian said. "Misha, if I weren't with Nick. If I were single... Things could be very different." A rush of emotions swept over Misha, ending with anger: why did he have to say that? "Sorry," Brian mumbled, "that didn't come out right." "We can be friends," Misha said, resting a hand on Brian's shoulder. "I respect that you are with Nick." "Thanks Misha... will you still come with me to London?" "Yes, I'll come," Misha said, his mind reeling.
Dani ran into Misha before the show and they conferred excitedly. A.J. and Howie had decided that what the doctor had ordered was two days of partying, clubbing and shopping in Berlin, and A.J. had asked Dani to come with. Once he'd convinced he that she was not a third wheel and that Howie liked her, she'd let her inhibitions drop and threw her arms around A.J. "This is going to be so much fun!" she grinned. "So you do kinda want to come with," A.J. said slyly. "Shaddup," Dani laughed, poking him in the stomach. He had such a cute little tummy... "So now you're poking him," Misha said. "I guess we've moved on to that stage, yes. Did you poke Brian?" Misha rolled his eyes at her attempt at a double entendre. "No, there was no poking. But I tell you, Dani, I have to wonder why he's inviting me." Dani nodded. "Yep. It's not like he doesn't know how you feel about him. Maybe he thinks you're a cheap slut and he just wants you around for quickies." "You really know how to build up my self-esteem," Misha laughed. "What are friends for, babe?" Misha shook his head and Dani went on, "maybe he'll make you put on a Nick wig." "Yeah... and about 40 pounds." "Ouch!" "All in my ass." "Double ouch!" Dani slapped his arm. "I like Nick's ass, actually. It's very spankable." Misha made a face. "I think we've established that you think he's hot. Personally, I can't see it." "You are such a jealous queen." "Thank you," Misha said haughtily, "I try not to disappoint my fans."
The concert in Frankfurt was a bit of a disaster, although the fans didn't seem to care. Destiny had a cold and didn't sound great, and the Boys had several silly mishaps. Brian put a foot down wrong doing some dance moves coming down from the steps at the centre of the stage and twisted his ankle badly. He limped gamely through the rest of the show, but it affected the choreography for the others as well, and everything seemed a bit off-kilter from then on. Nick was off on several songs and Dani and Misha both thought he was looking and acting noticeably coked up. Then A.J. screwed up in the middle of one of Brian and Kevin's songs, completely forgetting the words and trying to make something up on the spot, which was of course disastrous. Thankfully, he only had three lines to sing solo before the chorus cut in again, but he looked very sheepish for the rest of the song. The guys hustled off after the show, looking more than ready to take a couple of days off, even though the tour had only just begun. Brian flung his gloves down angrily and A.J. went up to apologise. "No, Bone, it's not you," Brian said, shaking his head. "Really, Rok, I feel like such a dink!" "I'm not mad," Brian said, patting his shoulder. "I just need some fucking ice for my ankle!" he yelled out to nobody in particular before limping off to find a chair to sit in. A.J. put his hands up like "whoah - never mind" and went off to get changed.
"Hey Kevin," Misha said, coming up to the elder statesman of the group, who had just finished hashing something out with Tommy, the keyboardist. "Misha," Kevin smiled, "can you tell that we need a break?" "Yeah," Misha laughed, "that was a little wacked tonight." Kevin frowned. "Not one of our best nights. Well, there are always going to be nights like that... Just so long as it doesn't happen a lot." He looked up at Misha and smiled faintly. "So what are you going to be doing on your time off? Any plans?" Misha felt a little guilty all of a sudden. Here he was traipsing off with Brian and leaving Kevin all alone ... and on top of that, Kevin was going to feel weird about it being Brian ... "I'm actually going to London with Brian and Leighanne and them," Misha said, making it sound like it was a big communal thing. "Oh, that's cool," Kevin said. "I'm going to go skiing myself." "Great, well... I guess I'll see you in Berlin." "Yup," Kevin said, "have fun." He walked away, deep in thought, and full of regret.