I am going to slow things down a little in this chapter and go back and forth between the present and the past. I hope that this is not too confusing as I've written it. Thanks again for the feedback - it is GREATLY appreciated! -- May
Please don't read if you are offended by gay sex. The usual disclaimer applies.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Kevin relaxed in the big easy chair and stretched his toes out, letting them soak up the luscious heat of the open flames lapping out at him from behind the metal grate. He felt completely at ease at that moment; his muscles were exhausted from a long day on the ski slopes and although his skin felt tight and his lips chapped, he delighted in it as further souvenirs of his efforts. His insides were warmed by the whiskey he was drinking, and his mind was spun into a gentle lull, the pressures and worries that weighed him down during the responsible life completely erased, seeming as though they were somehow a part of somebody else's life, not his. As long as I can make myself happy, I can be alone. Kevin hated feeling ashamed of being alone. He'd been alone for most of his life, it seemed.
Being busy was the best excuse for being alone. In high school, Kevin threw himself into everything. He played football, varsity football, he was the quarterback, he never missed a game, he never missed a practise. He volunteered for Student Council, he was president, he never missed a meeting, he stayed late to tape up flyers and clean up after parties. He sang and acted, he had lead roles, he never missed rehearsal, he practised on the piano in the music rooms, he pushed himself in everything he did. He always did his homework. He always did his chores. All the girls at Kevin's school thought he was their dream man. He wasn't interested in girls. He dreamed of making love to his male classmates. He hated himself for it. Kevin hated the way his mother would sigh and pester him about the nice girl he'd taken to the prom or who'd come over to work with him on a project, and why wasn't he seeing her again? It was depressing to be around his younger cousin Brian; Kevin always felt inadequate since Brian was so happy and so carefree. Kevin felt as though he let his family down by not being perfect.
When his father died, Kevin was set adrift. He found himself in Orlando, trying to make a living in the entertainment industry and burning the candle at both ends, partying all night at clubs and exploring the limits of his sexuality. By the time he auditioned for the Backstreet Boys, Kevin knew that he couldn't keep up with that kind of lifestyle; the superficiality and disposibility of it all ate away at his insides. So instead, I get to play daddy to three little munchkins, Kevin thought. A.J., Howie and Nick all came up to his shoulder, all three full of energy, giggling, tussling, little babies who had an edge on him because they were the original members of the group. When they found themselves desperate for a new fifth member, Kevin thought immediately of Brian and his angelic voice. But he had his personal reservations about taking Brian into his world. Nobody could know that he was gay, particularly Brian, who seemed blessed with perfect contentment in life, so well adjusted, so happy.
"I think it's really over this time," Brian said, letting Leighanne bear all of his weight as he wept on her shoulder. It wasn't the right time to see Misha, and the photographer sat up in his room, wondering what was happening between the long-time lovers. "Brian, think of it this way," Leighanne said, lifting his face so that she could look into his piercing blue eyes, "you're setting yourself free, but you're setting Nick free too. You are destroying each other." Pop psychology, Brian thought immediately, it's so easy for an outsider to dismiss something so profound, that runs so deep. When Brian first joined Backstreet Boys, his status as "Kevin's cousin" didn't immediately warm the hearts of the Orlando trio, who resented the older guy's bossiness. But before long, Nick was following Brian around like a puppy. Just as Brian had always wanted a younger brother, Nick had always wanted an older brother, and they became inseparable. There was more to it, however. Brian was captivated by Nick's vulnerability and his beauty, and he found himself completely uninterested in pursuing any relationships with women. He preferred being with Nick. In the meantime, as Nick grew a bit older, he realised that that his feelings for Brian were not at all brotherly in nature. He looked up to Brian as an idol and his perfect man, and he wanted to be with him forever. They fell into each other more and more each day. And in the heady early days of their romance, Nick and Brian felt that nothing could stand in the way of their feelings for each other. It was their little secret, shared only with their Backstreet brothers.
A.J. and Howie had to grudgingly accept Brian and Nick as a couple after their little secret came out, as it had to inevitably. Once Nick and Brian began the sexual part of their relationship, they were fooling around every time they were alone, unable to keep their hands off each other. Howie went bumbling into the back of the tour bus to discover Nick straddling Brian's lap. The two of them were kissing each other deeply, Nick's hands up Brian's shirt, caressing the older boy's beautiful firm chest, as Brian stroked Nick's hair with one hand and unfastened Nick's jeans with the other. Howie turned around on his heel and walked back out. "You look like you've just seen a spook," A.J. commented as the small guy came tottering up. "Nick and Brian," Howie said. "Yes?" "Nick and Brian..." Howie wasn't able to say it, so he motioned to the back room. "Are dead?" A.J. asked, grinning. "What?" Howie just motioned, and then held one finger to his lips. A.J. went tip toeing to sneak a peek, and rushed back two seconds later. "Whoah doggie!" They had to admit that "Frick and Frack"'s relationship was weird enough that it wasn't a huge shock after all. It was Kevin who seemed the most opposed to Nick and Brian's relationship, and he made it clear to his cousin by telling him that he ought to just "cut it out." "I can't do that, Kevin." "Why not? Just keep your pants zipped." "Kevin," Brian groaned, "Nick and I have a relationship." "Don't be ridiculous. You can't have a relationship with Nick." "What do you mean? Because he's a guy?" "No, because he's a child, and because he's Nick."
Touring took its toll on everybody. Brian and A.J. were high school age teenagers, without much sense of how to cope with the stresses of their new lives. Nick was junior high age, going through puberty along with leaving his home and family, and understandably he alternated between brattiness and fearfulness. Nick got on everybody's nerves; even Brian had his limits. But Brian couldn't stay mad at him long, especially when Nick went into full-scale operatic tragedy mode. Kevin found that his short fuse was set off by Nick more than anybody else, and he frequently yelled at the boy, irritated by Nick's tantrums and demands for attention. As time went on, Kevin came to an understanding with Howie and A.J., but he never seemed to click with the "baby" of the group. Something about Nick really got under Kevin's skin. Kevin thought it was just some kind of fundamental incompatibility, but as he stared into the crackling fire, Kevin wondered if perhaps it wasn't something else entirely. He thought back to the time that he and Nick kissed each other. "Knowing Nick," Kevin scowled, "he probably never said a word about it to Brian." He set his glass of whiskey down on the floor and pulled the wool blanket up to his chin, basking in the flickering half-light.
"Hey boozer," Aaron said as he gently woke Nick up. "Here's your spare key." Nick groaned and rubbed his head. "Are you taking off?" "Yep," Aaron said, tracing the lampshade with his finger. "Just wanted to make sure you were still alive." "Pretty much," Nick said. He sat up in bed with much effort. "You look so skanky!" Aaron laughed, tossing a bandana at him. "Cover that shit up." Nick's hair was sticking out in all directions and he obediently tied the scarf around his head, sticking his tongue out at his little brother once he was finished. Aaron just sat there resting his chin in his hands. "What is it, Air?" "Nuthin..." They didn't have serious discussions very often; usually the two of them just goofed around together. Nick gazed at his brother dully. Aaron was about the same age that Nick had been when he and Brian had fallen in love. Aaron seemed younger in a way, but in some ways he was more mature. He'd never had to struggle in school the way Nick did, he'd grown up rich, and he'd always been more self-confident, even cocky. Aaron didn't know what to say to his big brother. Nick was a grown-up, after all. What business did he have trying to tell him what to do? "I'll miss ya," Aaron said, hugging him tightly. "Me too," Nick smiled, "take care of yourself, okay?" "I will. You too." Aaron slipped sadly out and Nick fumbled around for his planner, trying to figure out when he needed to catch his plane to Berlin.
Nick reached over for the telephone, seeing that he had a message. Four thirty a.m.? Nick frowned. Maybe Brian came over last night. "Hey Nick, it's me." It was Brian, and he sounded like he'd been crying. "I'm heading to bed now, I don't know if you tried to call or anything, but I was just talking to Leighanne..." Brian was mumbling. "I just wanted to say that ... no matter what happens Nick, I care about you... I want us to be friends, somehow... Just please don't shut me out." There was a pause, as though Brian was debating what to say to finish his call, and he just hung up. Nick deleted the message and ran his hands through his hair. The last thing he remembered about the last night was bitching to Aaron about Brian and Misha while he drank himself into nothingness. Nick found it curious that he seemed to have no emotional response whatsoever to the news that he and Brian had apparently split up again. It was just another piece to the puzzle, as though he'd been waiting for the last blow. Nick yanked on some jeans, sneakers and a big jacket, and called his bodyguard Leo and told him to meet him downstairs. Then he got out his cell phone and called Lorna. Have somebody pack up my room and send the stuff to Berlin, I can't deal with it right now. Yeah, everything went fine last night. Yes, I have my passport. Nick scowled as he shut his phone off.
The guys had been on tour in Europe about a year after they had gotten their contract with Trans Com, and Kevin had just told Nick off after the blond had managed to lose his passport for the second time that summer. Nick was upset that day for some reason and burst into tears, running off to the room he shared with Brian in their Berlin hotel. Brian glared at Kevin and followed his friend. "You're such a jerk sometimes," he said as he left, "he's just a kid. He's not perfect." Brian came and lay down beside Nick, hugging him. "Don't cry Nicky," he said, "Kevin is just being an asshole." Nick calmed down quickly, and lay there almost without breathing, not wanting Brian to let him go. The two of them had been sleeping in the same bed almost since they had first met, and neither had ever seemed to think this was strange. Now they often slept with their arms around each other, and they kissed each other chastely on the lips, like two little children pretending to be a married couple. It was still light out, and Brian lay there with Nick quietly, stroking the long-limbed boy's back, feeling himself grow more and more excited. Brian had been questioning his feelings for Nick for several months, but kept pushing it out of his mind, not wanting to confront the issue. All he knew was that it felt right to be with Nick, and he wanted to kiss him, and touch him. It all seemed so natural, so right. When Brian woke up in the morning with Nick in his arms, his hard cock resting perfectly under Nick's round butt, gazing at Nick's beautiful face as he slept, Brian felt as though he was in heaven. But the two of them kept pretending that they were just friends.
Nick slid a little closer to Brian, hoping to use the excuse of wanting comfort, and his stomach brushed up against the tip of Brian's erect dick. Nick gasped slightly when Brian kissed him, this time sliding his tongue into Nick's mouth and kissing him like a lover. Brian shut his eyes and savoured the sensual gratification, grabbing Nick by the waist and feeling his dick throb against Nick's stomach. "Mmm," Nick whined, "Brian..." He leaned his head back and looked up at him questioningly, his big blue eyes shimmering, with what, Brian wondered, with lust? Nick rested his head on Brian's shoulder, not moving a centimeter away from him. Brian wrapped his arms around Nick and as he shifted slightly, he felt Nick's hard cock against his leg. This was too much for Brian to take, and he started kissing Nick again, forcing his tongue into the boy's mouth and running his hands up and down Nick's body. Nick suddenly clutched at Brian and moaned, his body twitching slightly as he came in his pants. Brian stroked Nick's hair and held him tightly. "Are you all right," he asked softly. Nick squirmed out of Brian's grasp, unwilling to look at him. Brian couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or freaked out or what. "Nicky, it's okay," Brian laughed, "I have that effect on people sometimes." Nick buried his face in Brian's chest and trembled slightly.
Brian would never forget the bare furnishings in the little sunlit room where he and Nick became lovers. Things had seemed so magical then, before Backstreet Boys became famous, before people started to worry about how things looked and who needed to be seen with girlfriends, before their families knew, before the pressures of living an unreal life began to wear them all down. Kevin had changed the least over the years, perhaps because he'd always been pretending to be something he wasn't. His way of coming out to the group had been to call a special meeting and announcing that he was gay and going to dating somebody who he would introduce at a set time and they were supposed to react in such and such a way and tell such and such people. He told Brian that he didn't want to hear any lectures, and that was that. Nick adjusted his headphones on the airplane, hidden behind a hat and sunglasses and the bulk of his bodyguard, who entertained himself with one of Nick's little hand-held video games. He traced a shape on the cool window pane, the faint form of the French shoreline occasionally peeking out from behind dense cloudbanks. Nick shut off his tape suddenly and dug around in his bag for a notebook. He scribbled frantically with his pen until the ink began to run again, and wrote the first things that came in his head.
If I can't have you If you won't have me If I'm back at the start of my life
Well, don't look for me I won't be waiting on you If you broke us apart, that's your right It's your right
You held the key to every part of me You let me go, you set me free I wish you well, and I won't forget you Won't ever regret you, Oh no.
Everything's got to change Nothing stays the same Here I am back at the start of my life
I wish I could kiss you one last time Mm I wish I could take back time Let me hold you like we never ever gonna see the day, No, no...
You held the key to every little part of me You knew just how To break into me You set me free, you let me go How was I supposed to know I wish you well I won't forget you Won't ever regret you You stole my soul