This is the last chapter for now, but I am working away. Any feedback is appreciated, as always. Enjoy!
Please don't read if you have a problem with gay sex. The usual disclaimer applies.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
"Sir? Would you like another drink? Sir?" Nick opened his eyes slowly and looked around himself. He was on a plane. "Okay," he said slowly, hoping that he didn't look as confused as he felt. When he shifted slightly in his seat, Nick felt a burning pain and remembered some of what had transpired the night before. His throat hurt and his voice was raspy. The coke had made him jumpy and irritable and the alcohol had made him nauseous and groggy. But it was the wet feeling that bothered him the most; something was bleeding, probably through his pants and on to the seat. Nick shut his eyes and sipped his drink. He wasn't ever going to remember how he got to the airport, but he did remember flashes of the club, had Lance been there?, going down on somebody in the bathroom, there was wet toilet paper stuck to the floor, he hit his head on the side of the door, Nick remembered that. His hair felt greasy and Nick wished he had a ball cap with him. He had no idea if he even had luggage; probably not. The two guys, maybe at some point he knew their names, one of them was pissed off at the other, he lived with his grandmother, she was asleep? she slept through that? We stopped at a drive-through? Or was it a convenience store? Nick fumbled the in-flight phone out and waited while the connection went through. "Nick, how are things going? Are you guys still dealing with Howie?" "Dad, I'm coming home..." "You're all finished there?" "I just want to go home." "Mom and Angel and Les are in New York right now and I'm heading to Vegas with Air tomorrow. And you know Beej is in school." "Can I see you guys just for tonight?" "Well, of course you can, Nick... You haven't been out here yet, have you? It's a nice place..." "Okay," Nick mumbled, rubbing his temples. "I guess I need the address." After he hung up, Nick lunged for the flight attendant, who smiled at him broadly through a thick layer of chocolatey lipstick. "Another drink, sir?" "Yeah, thanks... And can you tell me where this plane is going?"
A.J. slapped a McDonalds breakfast sandwich in front of Brian, Misha and Dani, bolting his own food as he went. "Thanks," Misha said with a faint smile, raising an eyebrow at Brian as he slid the greasy package over to him. "But I don't eat ham." "They're sausage," A.J. said, half choking. Dani patted him on the back and got up to answer the doorbell. I don't eat sausage either, Misha thought to himself, but he made a show of picking out some of the biscuit dough and eating that on its own. "So did you leave a message?" A.J. asked. "Yeah, I did," Brian said, looking intently at his food. "I can't believe he just up and left like that." "Who up and left?" Kevin asked, making his appearance unshaved and tired looking. "You didn't know?" Brian gaped at him. "Know what? Nick never called you back, Bone?" "Nick went to California," Brian said. "How do you know that?" "Because I called him," Brian spat out angrily. "It's on his damn answering machine!" The cousins stared each other down, and Dani's attempt to break the tension by asking who wanted orange juice went unanswered. "Didn't they come here to talk about Howie?" Misha whispered to her. "Nick is the one who told me to leave," Kevin said, his voice quavering slightly. "I was waiting for him to call me." "You don't even care, do you," Brian said. "I'm not going to treat him like a fucking child," Kevin snapped back. "Look how far that got you." "You know what I think?" A.J. started to interject, but the cousins kept arguing back and forth and ignored him. "I never treated Nick like a child, Kevin! I loved him! Do you even know what love is?" "You just made him-" "HEY!" A.J. yelled, physically pushing them apart and standing in the middle. "Shut up for a goddamned minute, okay?"
Thank you, A.J., Misha said to himself, glancing at Dani. She was as upset looking as everybody else. I guess I'm the only one who would prefer it if Nick went away and never came back, Misha thought to himself. I guess I'm not as good a person as everybody else... "You know what the problem is," A.J. announced. "When we got together, we were five friends. Just friends." He looked both of the Kentucky men in the eye before he continued. "Nicky was my friend, we were close. He was a sweet kid and he would have done anything for one of his friends." "So you're saying that I ruined him by making him gay," Brian got out in a choked voice, "is that what you're saying? Did Jane Carter pay you to tell us this?" "Shut the hell up, I'm not done yet!" A.J. yelled back. "That's not the point. The point is, when you and Nick got together, he stopped being friends with me and Howie. None of us planned it that way, it just happened." Brian nodded, glancing over at Misha to gauge how he was reacting to hearing all this old business dredged up yet again. "It was just about you and Nick, the couple. So we drifted apart. Then for whatever reason Nick got older and the fame and everything got to him-" "That's not the reason," Brian said hotly, "it's his family, and coming out, and-" "Whatever,' A.J. said, "that's not important right now. Just let me finish!" Kevin let out a sigh and A.J. spun around and glared at him. "Look Kev, I'm blaming myself here too. For losing Nick, for losing Howie. They were my two buds, remember? It was the three of us at first, the other guys came and went. And look at me now. Howie calls the fucking police on my ass when I go to talk to him, and Nick and I haven't said two words to each other in years. What I'm trying to say here is ... what really matters in the end, for us five? Even if we can't sing together anymore ... we fucking grew up together. I care about you guys..." Brian's eyes were shining with tears, and he saw that Kevin's face was wet as well. "I hear you," Brian said, hugging A.J. tightly. Both of them began to sob, and Kevin walked out of the room covering his face with his hands.
"Hey, little guy," Nick said, but he winced when he tried to kneel down and pet the retriever puppy who had run out to greet his cab. He clutched his stomach and waited for the stabbing pain to subside. Before he could recover, his younger brother was upon him, grabbing him in a death grip. "Nicky! Oh my God, I can't believe you're here!" "Let go Air... you're crushing me," Nick smiled weakly. "I love you too, asshole," Aaron laughed, smacking him on the arm. "What made ya decide to come out here? Dad told you we're leaving tomorrow, didn't he?" Aaron chirped at Nick while they went into the house, almost running in circles around the older boy, who was walking slowly and deliberately. "I need to take a shower," Nick said absently, "do you think that would be okay?" "What?" Aaron laughed at first, and then his face fell as he realised that his brother was acting very weird. "Of course, Nicky. Are you feeling okay?" "Not really, I need a shower, that's all..." Aaron felt an icy fear spreading inside of him, and he tried to rush Nick inside before their father found out that he was home. Maybe Nick really would be alright once he took a shower. Aaron glanced at his brother's face, and saw how tired and disheveled he looked, like he hadn't slept or bathed for a few days. Nick paused at the foot of the stairs and let out a little sigh. "You know what," Aaron said quietly, "why don't you use the guest bathroom on the first floor." He made sure Nick was equipped with towels and bath supplies and then left him alone, wandering back out the long hallway decorated with gold records and industry awards, tracing a finger along the dusty top of an enormous framed picture of five beaming young men, the youngest of them his brother.
Howie shut the motor off and let the boat dawdle in the water as Kevin settled into a sprawled position on the floor. "Well," A.J. said from behind his sunglasses, "I think we are stuck with each other now." Brian smiled and zipped up his nylon jacket, feeling a chill from the blasts of wind whipping across the sea. They'd trekked out to the ocean for their get-together, supplied with sandwiches and years of emotional baggage. Howie elaborated on the offer Chris and Lance had made him and just what it was that he didn't like about it. "We've all worked with other artists," he said, looking out at the water instead of at his bandmates. "But it was just the realisation that things could be over. I could go and join 'N Sync if they wanted me to. It's not about side projects any more. And I thought, well, I owe my brothers at least this much." He waved a hand around at the boat. "A final picnic?" Kevin asked snidely. "It doesn't have to be final," Brian said softly. "But we all have to get some stuff out. And we all have to decide where we wanna go from here." Howie sat down beside him and nodded somberly. "Rok said it just right. But I wish Nicky were here with us too." A.J. and Brian both glanced over at Kevin, whose face seemed to sag. "He's a big part of the problem," Howie went on, oblivious, "so he has to be part of the solution too." A.J. raised an eyebrow; his bandmate was a slave to cliches. "D, I came here 'cos I want to stay friends with all of y'all. Whether anything else comes of it, I can't say." Kev felt something nudge his leg and when he looked up, his cousin was looking at him intently. "Friends and family," Brian said, "that was how we started off."
"This is great," Bob said cheerfully, "just us guys home together. I say we order a pizza." "Wa-hoo!" Aaron cheered, leaping off the couch and striking a victorious pose. Nick just sat there weakly, and Aaron climbed up next to him and punched him playfully on the shoulder. "C'mon, don't tell me you're not excited about pizza. I know how you are." "That sounds great," Nick said, and he glanced over at his father. Bob smiled at him blandly and went off to find a phone. "So do you want to hear about what I'm doing in Vegas?" Aaron prodded. "Sure," Nick said dully. "Okay, I won't tell ya then," Aaron said, still forcing a laugh. "I'm sorry, bro. You're probably pretty sad about BSB breaking up, right?" "I guess." "Do you want a root beer? I'm going to get one anyway, I can bring you one." "Sure." Aaron joined his father in the kitchen and shot him a worried look. "Dad?" "Just a sec." Bob was flipping through the phone book. "Dad, the number for pizza is written right here, remember?" "Oh yeah. Thanks Air." Aaron shook his head and dug two cans out of the fridge. His father lived on "Planet Bob" most of the time, which was probably a really nice place, but it didn't help him manage his day to day affairs. After he finished his phone call, Aaron waved him over and spoke to him quietly. "Dad, I think Nick isn't feeling good, so I think we should just be really low key tonight, okay?" "I'm always low key," Bob grinned. "My middle name is low key. Bob Low Key Carter. Come on, kid, you're blocking my way." He gave his son a good-natured shove and they walked back into the den, where Nick was curled up on the couch sleeping. With dismay, Aaron watched his father sit down next to Nick and start tickling him. "Here's your drink," Aaron said irritably, leaving the can on the table. "I'm going to my room."
"Here is the deal," Howie said. "Us four, Backstreet Boys, we go back into the studio and we start off totally fresh. Nothing we have written before today is even going to be considered. You know why? Because it wasn't a Backstreet vibe." "We've gone and done our own things and that was good," A.J. rushed out, "but together... just think what we could do." "Are you really willing to give up your solo career, Bone?" Kevin asked him point-blank. The four of them were huddled together in the small motorboat talking intensely, not paying any attention to how late in the day it was getting. "I am and you know why?" A.J. said passionately, "because this is my destiny." "I always felt that way," Brian chimed in. "And you guys make fun of me for the way I think." He laughed softly and then the others joined in. "I always said it was fate that brought us together," Kevin said. "And I meant it too." "When I'm up on stage by myself, it's like I'm running from something," A.J. said. "Like I'm trying to find myself, but I can't find that person apart from you four. I mean... You three." "Damn," Howie sighed. He looked up at A.J. and shook his head. "I remember the first day you and me met. I remember all those early gigs with Nicky and with the guys before Kevin and B-Rok." "That's where I learned to sing, to perform, to be who I am," A.J. said. "That's me, right there. Not this solo act..." Brian and Kevin left the two of them to reminisce and sat slightly apart, having their own discussion. "You should go to him," Brian said. "Brian, God... I am so sorry for what I put you two through. I couldn't deal with my own life and I took it out on you." "You don't have to apologise, Kev. I've already forgiven you. But tell me the truth, please. Do you love him?" Kevin shook his head as he stared into Brian's eyes. "I don't know, Bri. I don't know if I'm capable of love." "Everybody is capable of love, Kevin. Open your heart." "I ... I can't." Kevin looked away from him and let the tears fall down his face. "I'm sorry." "Come here," Brian said, and he held his cousin tightly, feeling a deep regret that he had not reached out to him more frequently in the past. It was so easy to be put off by Kevin's tough demeanour and his negative attitude. "You can always talk to me," Brian said, almost shaking Kevin. "You hear me?"
Nick rested against his father's warm body, feeling every inhalation and exhalation as if it were his own, comforted by the strong arm around his shoulders. He breathed in the familiar scent of his childhood. "So you're not going to do what your mother wants, are you," Bob said softly. He stretched out his long legs on the coffee table, where the remnants of their dinner was beginning to congeal, illuminated only by the big screen television set. "What does she want me to do now," Nick mumbled. Bob chuckled; the force of it bounced his older son against him. "Your mom wants you to be a big star, Nicky." He patted his son's hair clumsily, as though he were petting an animal. "I don't wanna be a big star," Nick mumbled back, cuddling closer to his father and squeezing his eyes shut. He felt small, just a little boy, and his daddy would take care of him. When his mommy got mad, his dad would be on his side, he would sneak him his dinner anyway, he would tuck him into bed at night. Those in between years could just melt away like a bad dream. Confusion and betrayal and regret: nobody wanted to grow up and know those feelings. "Are you just going to give up?" Bob said softly. "Come on Nick, we raised you to be better than that. You can't come crawling home with your tail between your legs. Right?" Nick sighed sadly; that was precisely what he wanted to do. He opened his eyes and looked into his father's deeply tanned face, where fine lines were beginning to carve through his skin. "You'd better go to bed," Bob said, avoiding his son's pleading gaze. "You know your brother will get mad if we stay down here all night."
"So you definitely want to move down here," Misha said thoughtfully, stirring his iced coffee drink. "I want to be with Alex," Dani said. "It's time for me to take a risk in life. Playing safe is fine if you want to tread water." She poked him playfully in the side. "Know what I mean?" "Yes," he laughed, and a bit of colour spread over his face as he thought back to his night with Brian. "I know exactly what you mean. Well, it might be nice to get out of the city for a while. Here there seems to be a whole other variety of smelliness and humidity and cheesy tourist goodies to buy..." "Are you speaking for me or for yourself?" Dani asked, sipping her drink through a straw. "That part I'm not sure about yet. I mean, I have savings, but ... It's hard to give up my life in New York for a relationship." "But it's a relationship with a Backstreet Boy!" Dani whispered with a laugh. "Hush hush," Misha smiled. "Do you know how good it is to see you happy?" Dani said. "I was pretty happy before, I mean, for a monk." "For a monk. Sure." "What about A.J.? Do you think he wants to get that serious with you?" "It was his idea for me to stay with him, Mish." "And you're comfortable doing that... I mean, he doesn't really have a great track record for long-term relationships, does he?" "I am willing to take a risk. I think that's what I said five minutes ago." "I stand corrected." "Yes, you do."
"Why did you sleep on the couch?" Aaron said, setting down a bowl of cold cereal in front of his brother. "I just didn't feel like going upstairs," Nick said softly. "I'm going to go talk to the limo driver," Aaron said. "We gotta get going." "Good luck with whatever it is," Nick smiled hopefully, and his brother gave him a warm hug. "Bye Nicky. Are you going to be here when we come back?" "I don't think so, Air." "Okay, well... Remember who loves you most. 'kay Nicky?" "I will." Nick watched his stylish looking brother make his way out of the house, signalling to the driver to get his bags. Bob paused at the door and waved to Aaron to hold on a minute. Nick heard him approaching and turned to see him when the footsteps stopped. "Well, Little Lord Fauntleroy says we have to leave now," Bob said, flashing the Carter crooked half-smile at his son. "Yup, I know," Nick said, searching his father's face for any real reaction. "I don't know when he turned into such a dictator," Bob continued casually. "Well, you take care of yourself, Nick. Don't be such a stranger." Nick just stared at him. That was all he could say to him? "And don't get yourself into trouble. Understand?" "Okay, dad," Nick sighed. The door closed and Nick curled himself into a little ball on the couch. He'd gone from one empty house to another empty house, and he had struck out with every person he could think of to turn to. Nick walked stiffly over to find his jacket and dug out his cell phone. There were messages there, but he deleted them without listening. He was about to put the phone away when it rang again. "Yeah, it's Nick," he said dully. "Nick... it's me." The voice on the other end was scratchy and tearful, but the caller's identity was unmistakeable. It was Kevin.