I'M SO SORRY! It's been a long time guys! Can you forgive me?
My genius plan is working!
So far, I've successfully avoided Chase for a couple weeks now. It's been hell. But I think of him less now. There have been instances where I've seen him in the hall at school. But I always pass by him unnoticed.
But the lack of interaction has been noticed by a few. Like my mother. She's always asking me why Chase isn't around anymore. My lame excuse is that he's usually busy.
But here's the thing. He's not actually busy. I had to do something that I'm not proud of to get Chase to not come around as much.
--------------A few weeks before---------------
"What do you mean? I thought we were friends!?"
I looked into those crystal blue eyes, and they broke my heart.
"I mean, that I think it would be best to not hang out as much. I can't hang out with you anymore, because... Because..."
"Because what?"
Because I'm in love with you. Because you mean way too much to me. Because you're too good for me.
"Because I'm sick of being your second choice. If you've not noticed, anytime we have plans, and some girl comes up to you and flaunts her body at you, I become second. I just can't take being a second option anymore."
"But I thought you were OK with this? I asked you if me not being there would be OK. You said sure. If this wasn't a big deal, then why didn't you say something? Why would you ever think that you are my second. You are my best friend. You are so much a one of a kind person. If you had said that you needed me, I would have been there in an instant. Forget the girl. You are too important to me."
I could feel my resolve breaking. But I have to remind myself why I'm doing this. I'm hurt that he would chose me second. But I know that he is better off without me. He deserves better than me. And I know how I can give him that. I say the last words that will probably ruin my friendship with him forever.
"I deserve better than you."
I see a look of pain cross his face. The pain slowly morphs to anger. And finally settles to sadness.
"You're right. You do deserve better than me. I won't lie. I've been a shitty friend, and you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But you do deserve better. When I leave here, you will never hear from me. I'll never approach you. And you will never have to hear from me again... Unless you want to."
After that, he got up, and left.
I cried a while, even though it was all my fault. But this is for the best.
----------Present day------------
I'm not proud of how I handled that situation. And I miss him. I miss being able to talk to him. I miss being able to hear his voice. But he is better off without me.
Since I'm not hanging out with Chase, I had to find a new table to sit at during lunch. And I also had to acquire a new friend. Or friends I guess. None of them are as great as Chase. But they are more on my level. We're all nerds from orchestra.
One is a girl named Mae. She plays the cello. And beautifully if I may add. She's a bit of a math nerd, and I can talk with her all day about anything... Well, except boys of course. Mae is also a beautiful girl. I may be gay, but I know beauty when I see it. She's Indian. Not Native-American. But actual Indian, with long flowing black hair, perfect and flawless skin. She wears a pair of glasses. And she's not your typical girl. She'll do the craziest things to make you laugh. It's part of the reason why I like hanging out with her. She'll be crazy just to lift your mood.
The other friend is a percussionist named Juan. He's also a player on the football team. But not part of the in-crowd. He usually plays the timpani, which is one of my favorite percussion instruments. One might say I'm a timp-ho-ni. Hehehe. He did say a few things about me not hanging out with Chase. But we've never gone in depth. I must say, Juan is pretty good looking. He's got a bit of a muscular build, green eyes, strawberry blond hair, and stands about 6 even. And he is Hispanic. I believe his family if from Argentina. And the accent is such a killer.
It's lunch time now, and while I almost go to sit at the football table, I remind myself I don't sit there anymore and head to my new table. Mae's stuff is already there. And I saw Juan walking in a couple of seconds ago. I go get in line and get some food and join Mae, who is looking at what appears to be a completed assignment.
I sit down next to her and begin eating.
"Hey."
"What's up Mae? Is that last nights homework"
"Yeah. I'm just giving it a last minute glance, making sure I've gotten everything correct."
One last thing about Mae, she's super scary smart.
"Knowing you, it's probably been correct from the get-go" Said Juan as he goes to sit opposite us. He stares for a second at me.
"What?"
He takes a second to finish chewing.
"I've been asked to see how you were doing."
"I'm... Ok?"
He studies me for a bit.
"Why did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Destroy Chase? He's been a terrible player since you stopped hanging out with him. He asks me constantly if you're OK. He's been different since you and he stopped hanging out. What happened? Why did you suddenly have an interest in hanging out with us?"
I see. This conversation is going to happen now. I glance at Chase and he seems to be having a blast right now. But I look closer and can see it's a bit forced. What did I do?
"You guys wouldn't understand. Somethings are just better when you aren't able to influence someone else?"
"What is that supposed to mean?" Mae asks.
"Just trust me. It's better if I don't hang out with him. He's better off without me."
They stare at me for a bit. I go back to staring at my food.
"Why in the ever-rotating world would you think that not hanging out with someone would be better? Have you seen how Chase acts now? He hasn't been himself since you stopped hanging out with him. Why wouldn't you hang out with him? He's been one of, actually, your only close friend since you were little. How would not hanging out with him make him better?"
"You guys just wouldn't understand. He would hate me if he knew some things. So would you both, if you knew them. Can we please talk about something else?"
"No. It's been long enough. You need to tell us what's up. Even though I've not been your friend that long, I will always be there for you. You're my friend. Nothing will ever change that. Just tell me what's up." Said Mae.
"Same here."
Fine. If they want to know what's up. Then they asked for it. I take a deep breath.
"Ihaveacrushonhimandi'mgay."
They stare at me for a second or so before asking me to say that slower.
I lower my voice and say "I have a crush on him. I'm also gay."
I feel... Better. It's good to let someone else know.
"OK. Is that all?" They say simultaneously.
My mouth dropped.
"Wait. You two don't care?"
They glance at each other for a second before bursting out with laughter.
"No. We've actually known for a while now. If people look close enough, they can see tiny things that you do that tell you're gay. And there's nothing wrong with it. This isn't he 20th century. We aren't going to hang you or anything.
"However, you need to tell Chase how you feel. Even if he can't reciprocate the feelings, he can help you move on. Or, you at least need to make up with him. He doesn't deserve to be punished. And neither do you."
I think on this for a few seconds.
"I'll consider telling him. But do you really think he will want to be my friend after I was such an ass to him? I said some hurtful things. They weren't that bad. But they weren't nice either."
"As far as I can tell, he'd be happy to become your friend again." Juan says.
"OK. Maybe I'll do it."
Mae says "You better. He needs you. And you need him. You guys are really close. I'm sure he'll still be your friend through anything."
"Ok. I'll do it. Maybe today."
The bell rings and ends lunch.
---------------Later that day---------------
"Hey Chase. Wait up!"
He turns around, and I can see his face light up, before it darkens again.
He doesn't say anything as I get closer. He just studies me with a pair of sad blue eyes.
"Soooo, I really want to apologize. I said some of the most dumb things ever. And I never meant it. I'm so sorry that I hurt you."
I see anger flash across his face.
"You're sorry you ripped my heart up? How can you say such a thing? You were supposed to be my friend. But instead of being my friend, you tore my heart out and shredded it like it was nothing."
I'm crying by this point. "I just thought that you deserve someone better than me. And you do. I'm not good enough to be your friend. You're perfect. And I'm not. But I am sorry."
As soon as I said that, his anger immediately dissipated.
"How are you not good enough for me?"
I glance up at him from the ground.
"What do you mean? You're the football god. You're Mr. Perfect. You can have any girl you could ever want. Compared to me, you are literal perfection. I could never be good enough to deserve your attention. I'm just some gangly music nerd. You're this amazing, kind, god-like guy. I'm nothing."
"You can do things that I could never do. I can't play the piano. And being able to play a musical instrument will probably get you farther than my football can. How could you ever think so little of yourself? You're an amazing guy Luke. If it ever came between choosing you and someone else as a friend, you would win every time."
"Do you mean that? Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course I can. Just promise me one thing. Don't ever make me lose you again. I... I can't live without you."
I smile and go to hug him. It feels good to be back in these arms.
"Never again."
Hey y'all!!!! Thanks for reading!
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