Chase and Lucas 8
Hey guys!!! I'm soooo sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I've actually been home for a couple weeks. And I don't really have any good excuses as to why I haven't written anything, other than my own need to relax and be a bit lazy for a while. I hope that all of you beautiful people are doing well!!!!
A slight warning, I'm not going into detail about it, but this chapter does mention attempted suicide. I hope to be brief in talking about that. Please please please!!!! If you need someone to talk to, if you need help. Please find it!! I'm here for you, and there are others who can be there for you!!!! I'm not a professional, by any means, but I can talk, and more importantly, listen to you. Life is a struggle, and your feelings are valid!!! Never think for a second that you're ever alone!
-----------Lucas----------
I'd like to say that I remember more about the kiss. But honestly, I don't. I only know that it happened.
The next thing I know, Chase is pulling back. And... He's... Smiling. Like he's a fool in love.
"What are you smiling about?"
Instead of saying anything, Chase places a hand at the back of my head and pulls me into another kiss. I'm happy to report I remember more of this one. It started off as a chaste kiss. Our lips fit perfectly. As we were kissing, I inhaled his scent of chocolate and cinnamon. I don't think it's because of any products he uses. I'm almost sure it's just his natural scent, which is intoxicating. I felt something tentatively poke at my lips, as if seeking entrance. My eyes bolted open at this, and I got caught in his sea blue sapphires. His eyes conveyed pleading. Wanting. But happiness. I opened my mouth and was immediately attacked by Chase's tongue. There was a great battle, between our two tongues. Both sides surrendered eventually, to come up for air.
"I'm smiling, because... I don't know. Can I say something, out of pure honesty? And, you know, not be judged?"
I smiled. Here's this perfect god-like being, the confidant and cocky womanizer, quarterback of the football team, mister popular, asking if I am going to judge him. The look in his eyes told me he was nervous. That somehow, he thought that what he would have to say would disappoint him. Oh, how wrong he was. I'd just come out to the poor boy and told him my deepest secrets. What right do I have to place judgement?
"Chase... You have nothing to fear of me. I... I literally just told you something that is going to change everything. And from the previous 10 minutes, I hope it's for the better. But I have no right to judge you. You could make my life Hell, literally, if you wanted to. And if that's what you choose, then I'm OK with that. I know that I'm nowhere near what you deserve. I'm nowhere close to being anything that you should love. But I know that I'll love you no matter what you choose. I'll love you no matter what you say, no matter who you love. I'll still love you. Through everything. I'll. Love. You."
By the end of my little speech, I'd been looking at the floor. I was shocked when I heard crying.
"You have no idea how beautiful you actually are, do you? It amazes me! Lucas Mark Walker: you are so much more than you give yourself credit for. Really. If you've only ever judged yourself on your physical appearance, which, is pretty fucking great, then you should take a moment and consider who you are, and what you can do. Luke... You're amazing. You're beautiful, inside and out. And, really, I love you."
I gasped at that. Surely, he doesn't mean...
"For real, I love you. When we kissed just now... Damn. I'd always thought that I was missing something from my past relationships. That it just didn't feel right. I know that sounds super cheesy. And cliché. And stupid. But really. Kissing you, I could survive off of that. Given all of that, I think we need to talk."
I felt myself immediately tense up. We both moved to sit on the bed against the wall and facing each other.
"Luke... What happened a few minutes ago? Not the kiss. But... The suicide thing. Or attempted, anyway."
A fresh stream of tears slid down my face. "Chase. I've watched you for so many years chasing girls. Chasing all these girls, fucking them, and then moving on. I've seen you have so many girlfriends. And it hurt. It actually hurt me, physically, to see you in a relationship with someone else. And I knew that, since I'd told Lance, that I'd hurt you yet again. That I was just a fuck up. That I was never going to be good for you. I knew that eventually, I'd have to see you marry someone, and have kids. There was so much going on in my head, so much... Partially because of, well, depression. I was reliving all of my bad experiences, and anything good that I'd ever done or that had been done to me, was twisted and thrown back in my face. I just couldn't bare being a fuck up anymore. So, I decided that it might be time to just end it. You know what happened after that. I fell asleep and you found me."
He smiled at that. "Luke. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I caused you that much pain. You say you're the fuck up? Hah. I've tortured you for, what, 16 years now? I think I win in that area. God, if only I'd have realized it sooner! Luke, can you forgive me? Is there any way that you could forgive me for putting you through that?"
"Of course, Chase. I've dealt with this for, as you say, 16 years now. I think I can live with it until we, you know, die. But, gah, naturally and shit."
He laughed at that. "I think you're confused a bit, bud. I know I have no right to say this, or ask this of you. But, that kiss that just happened... I don't want that to be a one time thing. I don't want that to ever just not be a possibility."
I gasp. Can he really be??? Is he?
"Luke. I know now that I've put you through so much. I've hurt you beyond anything that you've ever deserved. What I'm trying to say is, will you be my boyfriend? I know that you should say no, and put me through the same thing that I've done to you. I definitely deserve that. But I would be honored if you would be someone I could love, forever hopefully."
I'm shocked. He's really asking. He actually thinks he loves me. The same way I love him. I'm almost vibrating with energy.
"Chase, honestly, I would be the happiest person on Earth if you'd do that. But is it something that you want? Is being in a relationship with me something that would make you happy?"
Instead of answering, he pulled me into another ground shaking kiss.
"Luke. You've made me the happiest guy right now. If you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I'd be grateful."
I kissed him this time. "I think it's something I can manage. Just, be warned. Depression doesn't just disappear. I'm not going to magically be all better because of this. I'm grateful, and happy, yes. So happy. But I'm going to warn you now, there are going to be times when I am going to be unconfident. I'm going to be insecure in our relationship. Not because of anything that you've done. But because I'll wonder how someone as amazing as you could possibly want someone like me. That will happen. But as long as you're there for me, we can get through it. To be honest, I'm not really all that sure that this is actually happening right now. I feel as if this is all a delusion, a dream. And that when I come back to reality, you'll still be chasing girls."
The look of hurt flashed visibly across his face.
"Chase, really. Don't feel guilty. You couldn't have known. Honestly, just, be there now."
"I'll be here until you want me gone. I'll be here forever, if I have it my way. I'm not an expert on any mental illnesses. Just, whenever you have these thoughts. The insecurities, the depression, just tell me. And tell me what you need. What will help you. I don't care who is around. I don't care what we are doing. Just tell me. I'll try to do whatever you need me to do."
He kissed the top of my forehead, before pulling back and smiling.
"I will Chase. Maybe we should rest now? I'm kind of tired, with all the emotional stuff going on. And I know you probably need time to, you know, adjust to everything."
He smiled. We went and cleaned up for bed, him going first. After I came back into the room, I turned the light off and climbed into bed. Wanting to give him some time and space, I tried to stay farther away from him on the bed. I was surprised to feel him reach over and pull me into him. He rolled me over and placed my head over his chest. I breathed in the chocolate and cinnamon. The sound of his heartbeat was relaxing. The warmth of his skin was soothing. He leaned down and kissed my head.
"You still never gave me an answer." He chuckled out. The sound of his voice was a rumble through his chest. I could hear the smile in his voice. Trying to act dumb, I told him I had no idea what he was referring to, chuckling. He sat us both up, looking deep into my eyes.
"Lucas Mark Walker, will you be my boyfriend?"
I smiled. "Yes."
He kissed me chastely one last time, before we lay down again.
Hey guys!!! Sorry this chapter wasn't as long as some of the others... :( What are your thoughts of this chapter? Did you like it? Was it ok? Please let me know. I kind of feel like this could be the end of the story. As I told some of you in an email, I feel bad about dragging this out and holding it over your heads. Really. So, honestly, this could be the end for me. They're happy. Of course, there are still ideas that I have for this story. Things that I'd like to see played out. But I hate keeping you all waiting as long as I do. So, do any of you want to see more? I know this story isn't life changing or anything. And it's your standard lovey-dovey fluff stuff that you can find just about anywhere. But I've certainly enjoyed seeing where they've come from. I've liked developing their relationship. Do you guys want more???
Thank you all for reading!!! It really means a lot, as do all your emails! Honestly!!!! I live to serve. :3
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