So, the big 05. Here it is. First off, thank you for all the e-mails. You know I appreciate it by now. As for everyone who hasn't, at least you are reading, I appreciate that too. lol As for all the legal stuff, know it, use it, follow it. Oh, and before I forget, go and vote on the Boy Bands Awards page. The link is on the Nifty web page. So, now on with the story.
Dealing Part 5 By CJ
"Well, that went better than expected. I can't believe we were so worried about nothing." AJ looked up and smiled at Kevin.
"No, we." AJ said pointing to himself, then Kevin, "We were not worried. You were worried all by yourself. I was always sure." Kevin smiled at him in defeat.
"Fine, what was I thinking to ever doubt you?" Kevin put his arm around AJ and pulled AJ back to his chest. He was just happy to have AJ and himself back in the same bed together. He knew AJ had missed it as much as he did.
"I don't know." AJ smiled and lay back down and closed his eyes, hoping things would stay OK.
"Wow. Did you know before or did you just." Nick nodded his head.
"Found out with the rest of y'all." Mandy just looked out the window. They had left the party around the same time everyone else had. AJ and Kevin bailed early, and the party went on an hour after that. Then it just kinda died. Nick was taking Mandy back home, ready to get into his own bed. He had been tired, and Mandy had drained all the energy out of him. She had dragged him through the malls, looking for something for Joey and Justin's birthday, which all the guys had agreed to celebrate officially after their first show together. Then she had clung to him throughout the whole 6 hours of the party. But he didn't mind because he did love her. He was just exhausted.
"Does it bother you?" Mandy asked, breaking the silence. Nick looked at her, and then back at the road.
"I dunno. I guess not. I mean, we work in the entertainment industry, we are around gay people all the time. I think the only weird part is the fact that it is two of my best friends. But it doesn't bother me, it is just. new." Mandy nodded.
"Yeah. I think it is sweet. They looked cute together. And did you see them sneak in kisses when they thought no one was looking. It was sweet." Nick was glad Mandy was OK with it. It had never come up before, but now he had a reason to look back on it, Mandy didn't seem like a person that wouldn't care. He was glad that he was wrong. Because he was truthful, it didn't bother him about AJ and Kevin together, but it would have bothered him if Mandy did care.
"Well, thank you Scoop. I am glad we hung out today. We." Lance interrupted him quickly.
"Should have done this a long time ago. Yeah, we should have." JC smiled and nodded. JC took the next moments of silence to think about the day he and Lance had shared. Lance had been good for him; at least he thought so. They had laughed, and joked around, both being themselves, which JC needed to do. Lance had also been his comfort at the bands get together. He was taking being in a room with Justin and Brian really well, but then AJ and Kevin brought out their announcement and he couldn't help but look at Justin. Unfortunately the gaze was returned. They both looked away quickly and JC hadn't seen Justin's view come his way again. That's when he was really glad he had Lance. And Lance had made him forget Justin, and that was something JC hadn't been able to do since they met. They were always best friends. He still saw the little boy who clung to his leg during their MMC days. But now they both had changed, and he had to deal. Lance would be the one who helped him.
"Yo, JC! You there?" Lance laughed half worried. JC's gaze finally fell back on the friend he had just been thinking about.
"Yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the party. So. Kevin and AJ huh?" JC tried to make up for his attention loss. He didn't want Lance to get all worried if he was OK. He didn't want to go through the tour all depressed and having to think about everything that had happened to him. He wanted to be OK. And that wouldn't happen if he kept dozing off in his own world.
"Yeah, that was really weird. I have talked to Kevin tons of times, I never would have guessed. And I definitely didn't think AJ was gay. But if they are happy, then I think it is great." Lance looked at JC knowing that JC wasn't feeling as good about that as he let on. "What do you think about it?" Lance asked. JC looked at him.
"What do you mean? I don't care. I obviously don't have a problem with gay people. I think it is great for them." JC was such a terrible liar. They all knew it, including him. He looked at Lance, hoping he didn't let on his true feelings.
"Well, it is getting late. I should probably head out huh?" Lance stood up from JC's couch and started for the door. JC stood up fast behind him and walked behind him.
"Lance, thank you for the day. I had a lot of fun. And. thanks for being such a great friend. I appreciate it." JC hugged Lance quickly and then took his arms back. He wasn't sure how Lance would take a hug from a gay guy, especially him. He had thought at the start of the day that Lance had turned him away, and he was just now realizing that he still wanted to be friends. JC just wasn't sure for how long Lance would put up with him or what he would put up with. Lance hugged him back and started for the door. They both sighed.
"Hey JC." Lance grabbed the handle of the door but stopped short of opening it. "Listen, you are my best friend, and that will never change. And I will always be here for you, whether you need a shoulder to cry on, and ear to listen to you, or a friend to just be there for you. I am here. But I think it would help if you were truthful with me. About your feelings and all. And maybe one day, you can tell me things like that. Maybe one day. you cold tell me what happened between you and Justin because we all noticed that." Lance turned the door and walked out quickly. He didn't want to talk about all that tonight, and he was sure JC would be surprised that he had said anything. He just hoped it helped open their friendship up again.
"Thanks Scoop." JC said quietly after Lance had already gone. He shut and locked his door and went to bed. He was tired and he had to get some sleep tomorrow. He also had to decide how much he wanted Lance to know, and how much he thought Lance knew already.
"I can't believe they were here for so long. I am just glad they finally left." Brian sighed falling on the couch next to Justin. They both had tried to get they guys out as fast as they could when AJ and Kevin left. That was enough for them to get everyone else to leave. They had just finished cleaning up the stray cups and food plates that had found their way around the room.
"I know, I am so tired. I just want to sleep for a year." Justin turned on the TV in front of him and flipped through the channels. It was turned off quickly after, nothing being found. "Well, I guess I am going to head to bed. I don't even want to think about what everyone has planned for tomorrow. I will say this, I think the bands have had enough togetherness time." Brian and Justin both laughed.
"Yeah, I guess I should get back to Kevin's. I just want to find that bed." Brian laughed getting up and walking over to the end table to get his keys. Justin looked at him and quickly debated the idea he held in his head.
"Brian, it's late and we are both tired. Why don't you just crash here? I'll give ya the bed?" Justin smiled hoping Brian would stay. He didn't want Brian going all the way back to Kevin's house when he was so tired, and he wouldn't mind waking up to Brian again, even if they weren't waking up together. Brian stopped and turned around to look at Justin hard. It was his turn to debate it.
"I dunno, that might not be a good idea considering." They both looked away and blushed. No matter how much they had said they were sorry for whatever today, they both knew there would still be a little weirdness between them until they got things together. Brian looked at Justin again and still saw nothing like regret or worry. "Are you sure?" Brian asked not believing he was considering the idea. This would just be an opportunity for him to mess up things, and that was one thing he didn't want to do.
Justin skipped over to Brian and grabbed his hand. "If I wasn't sure, I wouldn't have asked you would I? No, I wouldn't have. Now come on! If I am giving up my bed for you, you could at least help me get some blankets and pillows out of the closet for me." Justin pulled Brian to the closet opposite the door all the while smiling. Brian just shook his head.
"No, if I am going to mooch off your room I will at least take the couch." Brian pulled the blankets Justin had piled in his arms away from him and started walking to the couch.
"Oh no, you are the guest, you stay in the bed." Justin tried to get the blankets back but Brian kept them just out of reach, laughing at the younger boy hoping from side to side.
"I said no, and that is it." Brian finally got to the couch and threw the covers into a makeshift bed. Justin crossed his arms and pouted.
"I try to be polite and see where it gets me. See if I am ever nice to you again." Brian just laughed and fell on the couch. He was tired and ready to sleep.
"When were you ever nice to be before?" Brian joked pulling covers over him. "Just take the bed and shut up. You are going to make me go back to Kevin's anyway." Justin unfolded his arms and walked over to the bed. He couldn't help think about the last time they had had that argument. They had wound up in bed together, well on the couch together, anyway. As Justin pulled back the covers and lay in his bed he realized that wouldn't happen tonight. He couldn't help wonder if it would veer happen again.
"Hey Brian." Justin said after all the lights had been turned out.
"I said no! You are in the bed OK, drop it." Brian laughed and turned to his side. He heard Justin snicker a little before speaking again.
"Well, that wasn't what I was going to say but thank you again."
"Oh, sorry. What can I do for you then?" Brian's voice was a little bit happier in this replay. He didn't hear Justin reply, just covers being tossed and movement coming near him.
"Hey." Justin whispered letting Brian know he was right off the side of the couch. The balcony doors were right across from the living room area, and Brian's sight adjusted a little to see Justin.
"Hey yourself. What are you doing?" Brian asked half laughing, half-curious as to what Justin was doing.
"I just wanted to say.." Justin leaned in and gave Brian a short kiss on the lips. Right when Brian was about to lean in and kiss him harder, take his arm and bring Justin closer to him, Justin pulled away. "I just wanted to say goodnight. And.." Justin got up and walked, really ran back to his bed. Brian could see the glimmer of light from the window hit a tear running down the younger boy's delicate face just before he left. He sighed not knowing what he was going to do... what they were going to do.
`And what?' Brian was tempted to ask, but all that came out was the expected response. "Goodnight Justin." Brian said softly, not knowing if Justin heard him.
I don't know if I am a firm believer that days make things start all over. I mean really, we don't get a fresh page every time we open our eyes. Some people choose to live their lives that way, but I just don't think you can. Sleep may suspend things, but they are still going to be there when you wake up.
"Kevin, c'mon Kev, wake up." AJ's fingers tapped Kevin's nose sweetly as he stirred.
"Alex, it is." Kevin leaned over and looked at the alarm clock on the dresser next to him. "8:00 in the morning, on a day that we don't have to go to work, on the last day we don't have to go to work for awhile, and you are waking me up. Why?" Kevin tried to be calm, but he was tired and knew that sleep, decent sleep, on a tour was few and far between.
"Sorry. I just thought that maybe, on our last day we don't have to go to work for awhile," AJ said mimicking Kevin, "That we could spend it together seeing as how we haven't been that way lately. But I guess I was wrong." AJ got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. "You go back to sleep, I will be in the shower."
AJ felt bad after he shut the door to the bathroom. Kevin didn't deserve his sarcasm. He knew that they all needed a rest day. Himself included. He just wanted to spend time with Kevin. He felt a lot the night he ended it with Kevin. He thought for sure it was just because they kept hiding from everyone, but they didn't have to anymore. They spent all of yesterday in each other's arms in front of Justin and Brian, and most of last night that way in front of everyone. Then why did he still feel remnants of feelings he should have buried when they came out to everyone last night? And Justin was bugging him more than anything was. Why had he doubted Kevin's love for a stranger? And why had he even thought if this stranger's love was for him, that he might return it? He didn't love Justin, he had decided that already. He didn't want to be with Justin; not that it would have mattered because he had a feeling that Justin was in love with someone else. But Justin still plagued his mind. Justin made him think about being with somebody other than Kevin, and that feeling didn't hurt him as much as he knew it should.
I swear I can never please him anymore. What does he want from me? Maybe I was just fooling myself into thinking that telling everyone would solve whatever he feels troubled with. The bad thing is, I think he has fooled himself as much as I had.' Kevin fell back and stared at he ceiling. The thought last night that was unanimous was this tour might be OK after all, but Kevin was starting to have doubts. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to stay like this.'
The sun lets nothing rest. It is always waking up anything it can with its rays stretching across the sky. Those thoughts were just some of the ones floating in Justin's mind as he stared at the sun out the bay doors that lead to the balcony. It had awoken him around a quarter to seven when it had risen, but Justin didn't mind the time. The sun was at its most beautiful when it first shows itself to the world. That was Justin's opinion anyway.
I'm tired of feeling like this. I have felt like this my whole life. This year was supposed to be different, it was supposed to be changed. I was going to be really happy for the first time in my life. But it is so different in reality then what it was all supposed to be in my mind. I have screwed up things with JC, and that would lead to problems around the group. Lance and me have been butting heads lately, and Lance would side with JC if things came down to it. And Chris and Joey had been on my case before I left, and then when I actually left. And I could tell by Chris's actions when I stayed with him that he felt left out or something. He had stated before he felt like things with all the guys were slipping somehow. And after he picked me up from the airport, I know he thinks it is somehow my fault that some of the things are how they are. And maybe he is right. I tend to be screwing things up lately.' Those thoughts only led him to Brian. And then there is always him. Why has he changed things so much? He is only a guy. Granted he is a guy I find myself falling for, I know that it wouldn't ever work between us. He knows it too. He has to. It was just too complicated. Look at us now just trying to be friends. But why was it like that? Was it me that made it that way?' He was about to let a tear fall before he stopped it. `I have to get this answered. I don't want to cry this year away like I have before. I won't.' Justin got out of bed and walked over to the couch to talk to Brian. Brian was the one person that could tell him if he was just too fucked up for anyone. But as he looked over the couch, he found it empty.
"Hey, you know I meant the thing about sleep. You should just go back to it. I didn't mean to wake you up. I'm sorry." AJ was apologizing for more than waking Kevin up. Kevin knew that.
"An apology isn't what I want AJ. I want things how they used to be. And I hate to think that after everything that has happened in this past week, and after all our little talks that we are due for another one now." Kevin had gotten dressed and now sat on the already made bed.
"What are you talking about?" AJ asked.
"Do you want to tell me what you think is wrong with us now, or are we waiting for it to blow up in our faces and break up like we did last time?" AJ stood there not moving. He knew Kevin was right. He had just had the thought himself. He hated this, but things had to change and he would just have to deal with those changes. He just hoped he could. Now, the question was what were they supposed to do now?
"I guess you answered my question and I didn't even have to ask you." Justin stepped out on the ledge and sat down while dangling his feet along with Brian. Brian looked at him after he said that but just looked back across the city. He had to admit he liked it. This wasn't New York or LA. There was no skyscrapers and smog. There was only the flat Florida soil beginning to get congested with its many denizens. Justin looked at him, as he still didn't say a word. Brian finally turned to him after awhile.
"I was so happy yesterday. It was a really great day huh?" Brian smiled and turned his head back to the city below. Justin nodded and, not sure where this was going, stayed silent. Brian gave up trying to get Justin to share his feelings about yesterday. Maybe it was best he didn't know he told himself. "Ok, fine. What question did I answer for you?" Brian's voice was a little annoyed and sarcastic, but he still turned and sat Indian style on the balcony ledge Justin had found him on. Justin had been ready to scour the hotel, if he hadn't decided to take just one more look at the sun that had kept him company all morning. That's when he saw the shadow fall across the bay doors, and Brian's body dark against the foreground of the sun.
"What's wrong?" Justin asked quietly afraid that he would be the answer. Brian had changed overnight. His voice was tired, but not the lack of sleep tired. It was the `can we please get over this crap' tired, an annoyed tired. Justin had to admit he felt that way too. That was why he was out here now. After what he had done last night. He wanted to go run and hide. Brian sighed and jumped of the ledge towards the tables that sat on the balcony. He fell in a chair and turned to look at Justin once again.
"Nothing. I'm sorry, I guess I am just tired." Justin got up and followed suit to Brian.
"I can imagine. I have been up since dawn, and that was almost an hour ago. You must have came out here."
"Not long after you fell asleep last night." Brian answered the question coming. Justin nodded. "So, what did I answer?"
Justin looked away. If Brian would have just started out with that question Justin would have felt a little better to ask it properly, but he had to divulge so much of himself for that, and he didn't feel as comfortable with sharing it with Brian as he once would have. "Well, I told you I have been up since dawn. The reason I just got up now was because I was thinking about everything that has happened. And I came to find you to ask you. if this was all my fault?"
All the cockiness Brian tried to have to make it seem that he didn't care anymore deserted him. He too had been up early this morning and had thought a lot to. He didn't want things to keep going like they were, not just with Justin, even though that was a big part. He had decided that if he just didn't care things would go different. He wouldn't get hurt. But the problem was that he just cared too much, especially about this young boy that was turning the delicate balance he had worked so hard to keep between his professional, social, and romantic lives upside down. He sighed and moved to the chair that sat right next to Justin. He thought about grabbing his hand for support, but physical stuff with those two was a dangerous ground. Justin's kiss proved that.
"Justin, could we not do this today? I am tired, and every time we get around each other we turn out in this intense, emotional discussion that I am tired of." Brian knew that sounded harsher than intended, but that was how he felt. Justin shook his head.
"If you answer the question truthfully, then I think it is best that we avoid that all together by not being around each other." Justin's words hit Brian hard.
Brian stared at him, knowing that would only go one way. "You would do that again. I mean, did you really like us not being around each other the whole time we were apart? Because I didn't. I know we didn't know each other all that long, but it was long enough for me."
"But you are right. We do always end up in this," Justin pointed to what was going on right now. "We can't have just a friendship. Look how it turns out." Brian shook his head.
"We could have one if you stopped." Brian stopped himself. The boy had just asked if it was his fault they ended up like this and Brian was about to tell him yes.
"If I stopped what? Fucking up?" Justin nodded to himself, almost as if he was answering his own question. He got up and started walking towards the door.
"Justin, I didn't mean." Brian was stopped when Justin put his hand up.
"But you did though. And the thing is, you're right." Justin walked inside leaving Brian alone.
"Yeah, what can I do for you?" Kevin answered the phone polite, but he was still waiting for AJ to say something to him about their relationship.
"Yeah, hey Kev. I was just calling to talk to AJ real quick, but if I am interrupting anything.. Well, just anything, I can call back later." Kevin sighed and pointed to AJ letting him know it was for him.
"No, sicko, he is right here. Hold on." Kevin tried to sound nice and all, he didn't want anyone thinking they weren't happy. He did love AJ and didn't want anyone questioning that. But if things didn't get solved, he knew that something bigger would come along and break them up. Then what kind of questions would he be faced with?
"Hello." AJ's voice wasn't as bright as Kevin's, but luckily his caller was in a rush to get out of where he was, and wasn't paying to much attention.
"Hey AJ, its Justin." AJ's face let a smile out.
"Hey, and what did I tell you about AJ, call me Alex." Kevin's faced snapped when he heard that. Only he was allowed to call him that. It had become a thing they had between each other. AJ had never let anyone call him that besides his mother. Why did Justin get to?
"Oh, sorry. It's just last night; no one else called you that. I noticed, and I didn't know if I should or not." Justin sounded timid as he explained his feelings. "Well, anyway, I was calling because I was wondering if. well I was hoping maybe we could do that shopping thing today. I am tired of being inside and I just want to get away from things for awhile." AJ listened feeling the same way. He knew he needed to say with Kevin and talk, but his heart wasn't in it.
"Umm, that's cool, is B coming?" AJ looked at Kevin who had already guessed he and AJ were going somewhere.
"Actually, I don't think so. He and I. No, he won't come." Justin was tempted to explain why he wouldn't come, but that it was for another time.
"Is everything OK?" AJ was worried. He had felt the uneasiness between those two already, but thought he was past yesterday. Maybe not.
"Yeah, he is just tired I guess. So, anyway, I will be over in about an hour? I still need to take a shower and all."
"Yeah, an hour. C-ya then." They said their good byes and Justin went immediately into the bathroom. He was hoping that he wouldn't have to see Brian before he left. He was tired of talking and thinking. There would be no more of that.
"So, where are we going?" Kevin said annoyed that he wouldn't get his talk.
"No one said you had to go." AJ picked up on his tone.
"Well, that's great Alex. I can just stay here alone like I was meant to right?" Kevin spoke AJ's name louder then the rest, adding emphasis to Justin calling him that.
"Oh grow up." AJ turned to the door and walked out. He'd be back in an hour.
Nice Bri. Piss him off. That's the way to win him over.' By the time Brian walked back into the room the shower was going. He sat on the edge of the bed contemplating what he would say when Justin came out. He had to admit he was tired of this epic cat and mouse game that the two of them kept going. But he didn't know how to end the game either. He thought the whole time Justin was in the bathroom, which was awhile. I don't ever remember him taking so long before.' Brian thought to himself. `But I was only with him for two weeks. I have to stop making that more than the 14 days it was. And I have to stop making us seem like life long friends, when it seems to be in the cards for us to not even be able to be civil for a whole day.' Brian's thoughts stopped the minute he felt the steam rush over the cold room.
Justin stood in the light of the bathroom, perfect in every way. He hair was partially hidden by a blue Nike cap, but the visible part seemed to have every curl in place. He had on khaki cargo pants on, with a dark blue turtleneck on. Surprisingly, it was a little chilly in Florida.
"Wow, where are you going?" Brian asked joking as he was, lack for a better description, star struck.
"Oh, me and Alex, and I guess Kevin, were taking today for our little shopping escapade. Umm, you are welcome to come if you want." AJ's words echoed in his head. `Is Brian coming? Is everything OK?'
Brian hesitated. "Do you want me there?"
"You have to stop acting like it matters what I want. You are free to do whatever you want." Justin's voice was sad, but truthful. Brian nodded.
"Yeah I guess you are right." Justin looked at him and then the ground. He wanted to say that it mattered to him, but couldn't find the will.
"I'm sorry, that was wrong. I. guess I am screwing things up again." Justin's words mimicked himself earlier to Brian.
Brian stood up and walked over to Justin. "Justin, I swear I didn't mean it like that. It came out all wrong. I am the one screwing things up. Listen, that night, I was overacting so much." Brian went and placed his hand on Justin's. "I was just so nervous, and thought that things were going to get messed up and. I dunno. I was just so scared. You changed things a lot, and I still don't know how. I don't know why we end up like this. I don't know if it is your fault, or my fault, or both of us. I just don't know. I do know that I feel something that I have never felt before, and I am not saying that it is love or anything but."
"Then what are you saying?" Justin's question was valid, and Brian stared at him.
Brian nodded his head and turned. "I guess I should go. I'll talk to ya later or whatever." And with that Brian left Justin standing there, alone.
"Is AJ here?" Justin asked as Kevin opened the door. Kevin didn't look too happy to see him.
"No, I guess he should be back in a sec."
"Oh, where did he go?" Justin was the one who was now a little worried. AJ may have been scared for Brian and Justin, but there was nothing there, and the way it was going, there would never be anything there. But with AJ and Kevin, there was something there. Something special lie between the two, and Justin couldn't see that it was going well.
"I don't know. I am only guessing he comes back." Kevin went back to the couch he had been laying on since AJ left and continued to flick through the channels. Justin followed him and sat down in the easy chair accompanying the couch.
"Is everything OK? What happened?" Kevin sighed.
"I dunno. I don't care." Kevin's voice betrayed him. Justin knew he was hurting. He thought of offering advice but who was he to give it? He had no luck in anything. His voice was the only thing he had going for him. His social life sucked, and his romantic status was, well what it was. So he just leaned back and watched the channels pass him by. I think that helped Kevin respect him a little more, knowing when to keep quiet and when not to. Not more than 10 minutes had gone by before AJ wandered back in the room.
"Sorry I'm late. I was just checking out the whole hotel. It's really nice." AJ was only half-lying, not knowing how much Kevin had said to the already waiting Justin.
"It's OK. I was just relaxing here." AJ nodded to Justin.
"So Brian is not coming for sure." Justin was the one nodding this time.
"Where is Brian?" Kevin asked just remembering his cousin. "I haven't heard from him all day. I don't want him messing up my house too much." AJ turned away when Kevin said `his' house. He felt like this was a break up with none of the formalities. Kevin saw this and bit his lip. It was a slip up, but he didn't know how true it was at the time.
"Actually, Brian stayed in my room last night. on the couch." Justin wasn't sure why in threw in `on the couch.' He didn't know that Kevin and AJ suspected anything, but he was also nervous and might have said pretty much anything.
"Excuse me?" Kevin asked sitting up a little more.
"Well, I mean it was late by the time everyone left, and then we stayed to clean things up a little. I didn't want him driving so late and he was tired so. It was no big thing." Justin tried to sound like he wasn't rambling, cool, but it wasn't coming across too well.
"Well, then maybe we can talk him into going. I'll go see." AJ was a little too anxious to get out of the room Justin noticed.
"Nah, he already left. Right before I came over here." Justin dropped his head, knowing it was his fault.
"Oh, well, let's get going." AJ was sad lingering to the door. Justin got up to join him but Kevin stayed where he was.
"You're not coming Kev?" Justin looked at AJ and then back at Kevin. Kevin just got up and walked out of the room. Justin turned back to AJ.
"Maybe I should go. We can do this another time." Justin was all set out to leave but AJ's hand stopped him. He placed it on Justin's shoulder and turned Justin to face him.
"Please, we can go now. Don't worry about Kevin. He has stuff he has to work out on his own. I am not help here. I only make things worse." Justin nodded.
"I know exactly how you feel."
Well, the mall turned out to be great. It was the middle of the week so it wasn't crowded, and AJ and Justin were around the only other person they could tolerate at the time, each other. It was around two when they decided to take a break for lunch.
"Ok, that's it. I can't take you holding on to that bag like it was Fort Knox or something. What did you get when you got away from me?" Justin asked as they placed all their bags on the table next to them.
"Nothing." AJ was smiling. Justin couldn't believe a smile like AJ gave right then. They had both been in Pacific Sunwear when AJ just disappeared. Justin found him five minutes later, coming out of West Coast a store they had left five minutes ago with a small bag. AJ wouldn't say anything about it since then.
"Oh, if it is for Joey's birthday, I won't tell. I promise." Justin knew it had to be for him. At least he hoped it was. He was quite curious as to what AJ would give him.
"No you dope. I got him some CD and some Superman stuff."
"Well, it's for Brian?" AJ shook his head. "Howie, Nick?" AJ kept shaking his head, still smiling. "Kevin?" The last name was quiet and AJ stopped shaking his head and looked down at the food he had been picking at. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." Justin looked down now.
AJ sighed. "No, it's not you. It's me... it's us. I don't know how to explain it." Justin looked up at AJ. He was starting to hate the fact that they had so much in common. That means that AJ was feeling what Justin was feeling, and he wouldn't wish that on anyone.
"Wanna talk about it?" AJ shook his head.
"It's too long a story, and I am not even sure I understand all of it. But thanks." Justin nodded and playfully punched AJ's arm.
"Anytime bro." They started eating again passing playful remarks each other's way until they both finished. They decided they had spent enough money, and AJ and Justin found themselves walking out of the Florida Mall around 3:30 with all their bags. They remained silent most of the time after lunch, but it was casual. They were both tired too. They knew they probably gone out on the last day they had before a major tour to walk around all day long, but they had fun being together.
"Hey Justin, you know how you asked me if I wanted to talk?" AJ asked about 20 minutes away from the hotel. Justin turned in the passenger seat of the rental car they had gotten and looked at AJ.
"Yeah, offer stands indefinitely." Justin said smiling; hoping his friend would open up to him. AJ smiled.
"Thanks, but I'm OK. I was actually talking. about you. Listen, I know there is something going on with you and Brian. I am surprised Kevin and me are the only two who have seemed to catch it. Now, I am not saying what it is, because I don't know, and it is none of my business, but if you need me. I'm here for you." Justin had turned to look out the window when AJ started talking about him and when AJ looked over, that was how he had remained. "Justin."
"Yeah, thanks. I appreciate it." The rest of the way was quiet. I don't think either of them minded though. Even the elevator ride back up was silent to them both.
"Well, Justin thank you for the wonderful day. I enjoyed shopping with you bro. You are a much better shopper than of the guys around here. Even Kevin doesn't know how to shop and he is the one that actually should. I swear he shops like he is straight. It's so wrong." Justin laughed hysterically at hearing AJ say that. AJ smiled to himself glad there was sound between them again.
"Well, you are welcome Alex. Thanks for inviting me. I swear the only time I have had true fun this past month has been these two days I have spent with you." AJ couldn't help but blush behind the golfer cap and dark sunglasses he still had on.
"Well, I have to say I feel the same way." Justin smiled and started walking side by side with AJ down the hall.
"So, the end to the perfect day huh?" AJ said as they approached Justin's door. Justin nodded.
"I dunno how perfect it started out to be for either of us, but it did turn out great. Thanks to you." AJ blushed again.
"Nah, thanks to both of us. So, I'll catch you on the plane right?" AJ said picking up the bags he had dropped as they stopped to talk.
"Yeah, we are at the airport at 11:30 right?" AJ nodded.
"Yep, so I guess I will see you then." AJ turned and was about to walk to his room when Justin called his name.
"Hey AJ!" Justin said as he was walking away. As soon as AJ turned he saw Justin standing in front of him. He stood there waiting for Justin to say something. Instead, Justin leaned in and kissed AJ on the cheek. It was slow and sweet, and was over in two seconds, but they both stood there facing each other. "Thank you really for today. And for wanting to be there for me. And I am glad to have you." AJ nodded not knowing what to say. Justin had just kissed him. "Now go, get to your man and make things right. You are both so in love, and that. that is all that matters." Justin said those last words if he had just figured out they were true. Justin turned right after that and made a hurried attempt to his room, leaving AJ alone in the hall.
"Hey. I was wondering when you would come back. Well, I guess I was wondering if you would come back." Kevin said sitting in the hotel room he had AJ were sharing.
"Kev, of course I would come back. We are not over. are we?" He asked setting down all his bags and walking over to the bed where Kevin sat. He hated to get so serious right after he got in, but he ran away from it today, knowing what would be waiting for him when he got back. He just wanted to hurry up and get this over with. He felt that all this was just too much drama for him.
"No!" Kevin's hurried response was the first good sign AJ saw. "At least I don't want us to be." AJ put his arms around Kevin and hugged him tight.
"I don't either. But we both know something is not right. And I can't go on pretending it is. And I know that I am the one saying things aren't right now, and I was the one who pressured you to come out to everyone. I know this is all me, but I can't help it." AJ still held tight to Kevin, not wanting to let go.
"So now what? We both want to stay together, we both agree we can unless things change. So, what do we do about all that?" Kevin pulled AJ from his chest and looked him straight in the eyes. "We have to work through this though, because I love you. I have since the first day I met you, and I haven't stopped a day since. I won't. I don't want to be this thing that you have to deal with or something, I want me to be to you, what you are to me. Everything." AJ looked at Kevin's eyes. He just gripped to him harder.
"It has been so long since you have said anything like that you know." AJ said between sobs. Kevin hated to see AJ cry. That was the only thing Kevin liked about AJ's stubbornness, it hardly ever let anyone see him cry.
"Well, if it makes things better for me to tell the truth more often to you, I won't hesitate." Kevin smiled as he continued AJ's warm embrace.
Red eye flights are the worst. Why anyone would choose them is beyond me. But 11:30 came and terminal 38 was the only busy place in the airport. All the Nsync guys just got back from checking their luggage to arrive to everyone else. This was the first time everyone on the tour was actually together. Jason was there, and he introduced his assistant Kelly. They were the two who was responsible for everything that went on during the tour. How bad for them. BSB, Nsync, Christina Aguleria, Britney Spears, Innosense, and EYC all together was going to be hell.
"All right guys and gals. Planes ready. go! Get on so you all can sleep. We should be in New York in about 3 hours, and then we will connect to Germany. Everyone clear?" Jason stood on a chair a little too chipper. "I'll take that as a yes, now go get on the plane." As soon as he was finished everyone shuffled to the plane.
"Hey AJ. Seems things are going well?" Justin asked softly as AJ walked beside Kevin. AJ smiled.
"Yeah, we talked like all night until we came here. Working things out and all." Justin smiled.
"I'm glad for you. You deserve it." Justin said loud enough this time for Kevin to hear. Kevin smiled and put his arm around AJ. AJ leaned in and whispered to Justin real quick before they entered the gate.
"So, do you. Now go on, and try to talk to him. Please." AJ said leaving Justin behind him and Kevin. Justin nodded, having to talk himself into it, and turned to find Brian.
"So, me and you can share seats, right Scoop?" JC said leaning on Lance's shoulder for support. Sleeping was not just JC's favorite hobby, but his lustful obsession too. Lance had dropped by his hotel to wake him around 9:30 just so they would get here in time. The sad thing was, JC had slept all day too and was still tired.
"Yeah bud. We can sit together. If you don't fall asleep before we get there." Lance laughed as he half carried JC to the gate.
Justin saw his two friends, or maybe now after he closed everyone off they were acquaintances, walking towards the gate. He hated the fact that he was jealous at seeing someone take care of JC the way Lance had been doing. Justin had seen the two of them at the party and knew that they were spending all their time together. That had always been Justin's spot, and another now filled it. As much as it hurt Justin, he knew it couldn't be any other way. At least not yet. There was too much between them that neither understood, much less try to resolve. He took his eyes off of them as the got through the gate out of sight.
Then there he was. He was walking closely next to Howie, looking as though he was just trying to stay awake. Howie had that look too. Justin kinda shuffled around the entrance not wanting to look too obvious. Everyone had passed him, giving him little head nods as hellos. He wasn't sure if some of the nods were from tiredness or the resentment he felt with almost everyone there. Britney and Christina were the only two who stopped to say hey and even gave him a hug. He hugged them both half-heartedly and still waited. It was like waiting forever. Brian and Howie and to be the last people on the plane of course, causing Justin to be able to do nothing but stand there.
"Hey Brian?" Justin asked as they finally approached. The both hung their heads until Justin spoke. Howie nodded to Justin as a hello, but kept walking while Brian stayed behind.
"Hey." Brian said a little shaky.
"How are you doing?" Justin had lost all of what he needed to say.
"Listen, we really need to get on the plane. what can I do for you?" Brian asked politely as if they had just met. Justin shook his head.
"Just never mind." He turned and started walking towards the gate, but as soon as he heard Brian's footsteps follow him he turned back around. "No, no never mind. We always do this, we talk and we talk and right when the thing that needs to be said is about to come out, one of us turns away and chickens out. I won't do it again. Listen, I love you. I don't know how or why, I can't explain it, I don't know why I have all of sudden had this attraction come over me, but it has happened. I don't mean for it to sound like I don't want to feel this way, `cause I do love you, and I don't want that to change. Even if you don't feel the same, even if you don't care for me like I do for you, even if we don't end up together, I don't want that to change." Tears were drilling there way through Justin's piercing blues as Brian stood there half on the verge in tears, half in shock what was being said. "And I dunno why I have decided to unload all this on you, and I don't want to be a burden, but I don't want to be like this forever. When I left, when we met, I was looking for something to change my life, because my life this past month has been my life since birth. It has always been this crap that I go through. And here it is. in 15 minutes, my 19th birthday, and I haven't changed anything. The only thing that has changed in my life is you coming into it, and I don't even know what that means. So, here it is, here and now, it ends. We lay it all on the line. Right here, right now, how do you feel?" Brian looked at him and a single tear fell. He was amazed at what had just happened. They both had to have known it was coming though. It had been snowballing since they left each other in SF. Brian stood there never saying a word. He just looked at Justin.
"Well, tell me how you feel! Do you feel anything for me? I know you must, or we wouldn't end up like this. But we keep ending up in the same place. So tell me." Justin was on the verge of breaking up; he was terrified at what was happening. It no longer even involved Brian, but just with himself. He had turned into a person he didn't want to be. He didn't want to be pleading for someone to love him, and he didn't want to feel so out of control. `So what if Brian loves me? I still don't have JC. And if I had JC and Brian, what then? I would have everything right? Then all you can do is lose something.'
"I." Justin's thoughts came out of it when Brian finally spoke. "I think it is obvious how I feel about you." Brian would have gone on but Justin stopped him right after those words left his mouth.
"Why can't you say it? Is it so hard? No, no it's not obvious, if it was we wouldn't be here. Tell me how you feel?" Brian knew what he needed to hear, and he knew he wouldn't be lying if he said it, but why was it so hard to say?
"Why is that?" Justin looked at him in confusion. Brian shook his head when he saw Justin looking at him like that. "Why is it so hard to say what you feel?" Justin shook his head.
"I don't know. But if it helps to have someone there for you." Justin said walking back to Brian. "I am here." He took Brian's hand and held it in his own. "I love you. And it took me until today, helping a friend, to finally realize that that is enough. Just love. But that only works two ways. So."
"So. I love you. Of course I love you. I have since that night when you fell asleep in my arms. But I don't know if that is right. about love being enough. Look at us at the hotel in SF, we were in love then, and look what happened." Justin nodded his head and stepped back from Brian.
"Maybe so. A depressing thought, but one you are allowed to have." Justin said turning to look out the big windows that allow people to see the giant aircraft that wait outside. Brian sighed and walked behind Justin.
"I am not trying to make this seem hopeless or something. I just. don't want the same thing to happen that happened that night." Justin turned around.
"It won't. I promise." He fell into Brian and put his arms around Brian. Brian put his arms around Justin also feeling like he was where he belonged.
"Umm. Hey guys. Jason is getting antsy. He wants to know why you two aren't on the plane yet." Britney came out of the gate and looked at the two men hugging. She was confused, and looked it, but she saw the tears and knew it was not the best time to ask questions.
"Just. Just tell him we will be there in five seconds. I promise. Just five seconds." Britney nodded and ran back to the plane.
"Now what? You are the man with everything to say. What do you say to this?" Brian asked as he stepped back from Justin.
"I am just as lost as you are in this. I wasn't expected to get here honestly. I thought one of us would have walked of by now. Maybe that's why we did that so much, is was easier than just talking about it." They both nodded. "What do you want there to be said about this?"
Brian shrugged. "I dunno."
"Well, listen. We have to get on that plane. So let's get on that plane as friends? Just friends, and we can go from there." Justin said. Brian smiled and grabbed Justin's hand.
"As best friends."
"I'm sorry Jason. It was my fault. There was something that I had to finish before we left." Justin began apologizing as soon as Jason came close to his seat. Brian had gone to sit with Howie like he had decided before, leaving Justin alone in the back of the plane. He didn't mind so much. Too many things had happened for him to want much socialization.
Jason smiled as he sat next to Justin. "It's OK. Not too big of a deal." Justin looked at him surprised that he wasn't at least a little mad Brian and him had held the plane for them.
"Oh, well, what can I do for you?" Justin asked pulling out his CD player and CDs.
"Well, I was wondering if there is anything I can help you with? I am here for you guys if you need me." Jason looked around as he sat this, looking a little odd.
"No. I'm fine. I just. had to talk to Brian real quick." Justin wasn't sure what Jason was talking about. He sounded like he knew, like AJ had confronted to him, but he didn't want to jump conclusions.
Jason nodded. He didn't want to pressure it, but he had to know what was going on. He always had to know if his thoughts about Brian and Justin had been correct. He had already got the news of Kevin and AJ, and he had to have a talk with them, he was just making sure he didn't need to make that conference for four.
"Listen, I am assuming you were there when Kevin and AJ did their thing?" Justin nodded. "Well, I have to talk with them now about their relationship and all, it sucks but it has to be done." Justin nodded once again. "Listen, I am going to come out and say it. Does that meeting need to include you and Brian?" Justin looked at him, with not as much shock as Jason had been expecting. "Well, you don't look too surprised so I take that as a yes?" Justin shook his head.
"Yeah, I'm gay and I might need to be there for a meeting, but I am single, have been forever, and I am definitely not with Brian. He doesn't need to be there. But if you think I do even though I am alone, that is up to you." Justin was very calm about it, even though he was battling inside. Not only did he hate lying to anyone, but also he wanted to say yes. He would have been happy to say that him and Brian needing to be there because they were together, but they weren't. Justin hoped it was `they weren't together yet.' He didn't know what Brian wanted, and who he wanted to know about him. He would leave him the meeting only if he wanted.
"Well, I must say I am sorry. I had just assumed that you and Brian were." Justin smiled shaking his head.
"It's OK, but no." Jason smiled with him; glad this was going so well.
"Well, I would think it would be better if you heard some of the things that I am going to say." Justin agreed, knowing this talk would come sooner or later. He didn't plan to spend his whole life alone.
"Yeah, that's cool. Have you told Kevin and AJ yet?" Justin asked.
"No, is it not going to be this easy?" Jason said smiling at Justin. Justin laughed.
"I dunno, but I won't be there." They continued the little joke a bit before Jason stood up.
"Well, I should get some sleep and so should you." Jason smiled and turned around. Right before he got to the curtain that entered the next cabin he turned back around. "Oh yeah, Happy Birthday." Jason smiled as Justin looked at him with happiness and walked back out.
"Wow. It's my birthday. What a day?" Justin laughed to himself as he fell asleep. He wasn't aware that later that night, a figure came into the cabin with him. He stirred some, but never woke up. The figure leaned over him and placed something on the back of the front of Justin. They smiled at the sleeping beauty before walking back out; glad they hadn't awoken the man they loved.
TBC
~ OK, that's done. Yeah. lol Well, thanks for letting me take my time on this, and thanks for all the e-mail that I still get. I appreciate it so much! Keep it coming. ? I have to apologize for two things. One being I am sorry that this is still a little behind present day. I had hoped to bring it back up to Valentine's Day in this story, but that will just have to wait till next time huh? The second being that this didn't come out on V-day, but I guess that doesn't really matter if I didn't write anything about it, but anyway. ? Well, gtg now. C-ya later. Oh, if you want to talk to me in person instead of e-mails you can reach me on AOL: WiteLiteLeo or on ICQ at #39815104.