"Dream of a Guardian Angel: After the Dream" By: Phantom Writer
Legal Stuff: This material is not meant to be read by anyone under 18. If you're offended by literature with homosexual themes, step off! If not, read on. This is a work of FICTION. Therefore, the author makes no claims as to the sexual orientation of any member of *N Sync. I have permission to incorporate facts from the life of my friend and neighbor in the form of the main character, Jase.
Side Note: Well, here's installment 4! Just so everyone knows, the next few installments will not be coming out as quickly as the last three. The crux of the story is about to be revealed and I don't want to let anyone down just to post 'SOMETHING' quickly. (I hear the boos and hisses - don't think I can't!) Please read the previous installments of "Dream of a Guardian Angel" before continuing any further - it will make much more sense. As always, for anyone who would like to send comments or suggestions, please do so. (phantomwriter73@hotmail.com)
Special Thanks: If there were not so many, I would name individuals, BUT, Thank you to everyone who sent such positive feedback to "Dream of a Guardian Angel." I'm truly grateful.
Now, without further ado...
(Previously...from "Dream of a Guardian Angel: Dreams Take Flight.")
"Couldn't be that bad, COULDN'T BE THAT BAD! What the fuck do you know! This wasn't just a dream, it's my fuckin' reality!" I started to tremble as the rage subsided into sadness. My tears were hot and stung my face as they fell down my cheeks. I couldn't tell them about my family OR being gay. It was just all too much to handle.
Please put your seats in an upright position and stow away your tray tables in preparation for landing. Thank You
Saved by the bell! Usually, I can't stand all the yip-yap on the intercom during flights, but I was grateful this time. I had an excuse to keep from having to divulge the details of my dream that the guys seemed genuinely interested in. Justin reluctantly went back to his seat, as did the other guys.
And now, "The Truth Unfolds."
The layover in Atlanta was short and uneventful. Luckily, the airline was making up for the delay out of Dallas by allowing the third leg of the flight to leave Atlanta as originally scheduled and arrive in Orlando on time. I stretched my legs and kept to myself during the layover. I was trying to prevent the inevitable conversation about my dream/nightmare earlier. I just didn't know how to handle the emotions. I never imagined that my dilemma would solve itself.
The flight to Orlando got underway without delay. I was feeling a little bit cold, so I reached up into the overhead compartment and found my duffel bag in the dark. I unzipped it and pulled out a pullover sweater to cover my short-sleeved shirt. Little did I know, the manila envelope I had stuffed into my duffel bag at the last minute in Dallas had fallen into the isle. I pulled on the sweater and proceeded to doze off.
While I was asleep***********
Justin was still concerned about my nightmare and decided to talk to me about it. As he approached my seat, he kicked the envelope that had fallen out of my bag. Without thinking twice, Justin picked up the envelope and sat down beside me. Noticing I was asleep, he turned on the overhead light, looked at the envelope and opened it. He pulled out several papers the lawyers who were settling my family's estate had sent me. Clipped to the top of the papers was a letter. Justin read the letter and froze in shock. He quickly put the papers back into the envelope and opened the overhead compartment. Justin placed the envelope back into my bag, closed the compartment, and returned to his own seat.
"Curly, you OK?" JC had noticed Justin was trembling when he sat back down.
"I...I can't...Oh my GOD! Why did you have to say that Jase's dream couldn't be that bad! What do YOU KNOW!" Justin started to sob. JC just sat there amazed. He had never seen Justin like this before.
"Hey guys, what's going on?" JC turned to see Lance, Chris and Joey looking at Justin with concern. All four guys turned to look at Justin as he began to speak.
"I...I wanted to talk to Jase about his dream from earlier when...when I found an envelope in the isle. I...I wasn't thinking and just opened it. There wasn't and address on it so...so I wanted to see if I could find out who it belonged to. It's Jase's envelope. I just can't believe..."
"Believe what? What was in the envelope." JC was getting upset seeing Justin this way.
"It was full of legal documents and a...a letter from some attorney's office. I think I...I know what Jase's dream was about." Justin's tears fell slowly down his cheeks.
"Tell us, Justin." Lance spoke up as he noticed tears welling up in JC's eyes.
"Jase lost...his parents, brother, sister-in-law and two nieces in a terrible car wreck...less than two weeks ago." Justin began to sob. JC, Lance, Joey, and Chris allowed the tears to fall down their faces.
When I awoke***********
I looked around and noticed Lance, Joey and Chris standing around where JC and Justin were sitting. I thought that odd, but was too tired to really be concerned. I had just closed my eyes. Moments later I heard someone sit beside me. I looked over to see Justin smiling at me. Even though Justin was smiling, his eyes conveyed something other than happiness. I saw sorrow, remorse, and sadness in his eyes. If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn he had been crying.
"Hey, Jase. Hope I didn't wake you."
"Nah, I don't think any amount of beauty sleep will help me at this point. What's on your mind?"
"Well, I was wondering where you were staying while in Orlando. Maybe we could come by and do something tomorrow after our meeting." Justin was almost pleading when he said this.
"Shit! I forgot to book a hotel before I left DFW. Let me call information and see what I can find."
"Didn't make a reservation? Why not?" Justin looked at me in utter confusion.
"I didn't even know I was going to Orlando until about half an hour before you pulled your Captain Whoop-Ass routine on me in Dallas. And since then, I haven't really been concerned with booking a hotel." I picked up the air phone and was about to swipe my credit card when Justin took the phone from my hands.
"I don't think so! You're staying with me tonight." Justin shocked me with this outburst. I couldn't help but smile inside. It appeared my dream from Monday morning was at least partly coming true. How could Justin know I didn't need to be alone tonight unless he was my guardian angel. I was in shock.
"You don't have to do that, Justin. I appreciate the gesture, but I don't want you to feel put out or anything."
"I insist. Besides, you shouldn't be alone after..." Justin's voice faded out as he realized what he had just said. He looked into my eyes and saw the shock and horror I felt. 'How can he know?'
As I gazed back into his eyes, I saw tears building. I guess I was in a daze, since it took Justin shaking me to break my stare.
"How do you know? I never said anything..." My throat began to constrict as the emotions began to overtake me.
"I'm soooo sorry, Jase. But I found an envelope from some lawyer's office in the isle and I opened it. Jase, the letter expressed their sorrow for the loss of your family. It also contained some legal documents regarding your family's estate. I wasn't trying to pry, but there was no...no address on the envelope and I...I just wanted to return it to...to the right person.
I didn't..." Justin was sobbing uncontrollably now.
I stood and reached into the overhead compartment for my duffel bag and removed the envelope. As I did so, the other guys came to check on Justin. Chris noticed my stone-like expression and gasped. I sat back down, opened the envelope, and began to read.
...While no solace to your tremendous loss, we would like to inform you that after settling legal fees, estate and inheritance taxes, you have received approximately $10.28 million dollars from the combined estates of your parents and your brother and his family. Please accept our sincerest condolences during this time of grief...
I couldn't fathom what had just occurred. Part of me felt betrayed by Justin finding out about my family the way he had. But, a larger part of me felt enormous relief. Thankfully, my being gay was the least of my worries at that moment. I didn't know what to do next. I looked into Justin's eyes again as the tears slid down his face. I started to tremble as my tears began to flow freely. Justin grabbed me in the most intense hug of my life.
I sobbed like a child. Emotions I had kept bottled up came to the surface and I could not hold them back. After some time, I got quite and spoke in a subdued tone.
"I lost my entire family in a car wreck less than two weeks ago! My mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law, and both my nieces, DEAD. And it was all my FAULT!!!" I was so upset, I said the last words before I could stop myself. I had just opened Pandora's Box. I would have to tell them the truth about being gay. I couldn't make something up to cover myself at this point. I started to cry.
"Jus...Justin. Get up for a minute." JC's voice was trembling. I didn't know what was happening, and frankly I didn't give a rat's ass at the moment. My open wound had been revealed to five guys I had only known less than a day. And yet, I was amazed I had opened up to them so quickly.
"Ja...Jason. Jase, please look at me." JC's voice was trembling. He slowly placed his hand under my chin and turned my face towards him. "I...I don't know where to begin. I don't think there are words to express how sorry I am. I never meant to say your dream couldn't be that bad earlier. I hope...please, can you ever forgive me. I don't know why I've been such a jerk, I just..."
I stared back into his eyes, beautiful like Justin's, but reflecting so much more turmoil, some inner conflict JC was desperately trying to hide. It was then that I knew I was right about him. I just didn't know what to do. Should I try to help him realize his true feelings, or should I keep my nose out of his business. My tears slowly stopped as I continued to stare into JC's eyes. I turned to look at the rest of the guys. Everyone had tears running down their cheeks. I was amazed and deeply touched. What had I done to deserve running into these five young men who could show such compassion and concern for a stranger? I gathered my thoughts.
"How could you have known. None of you could have known. But now that you do, please don't pity me or worry that you may say the wrong thing. The reason I'm on this plane is to get away from work and come to grips with my family's tragic death. I can't continue to avoid the pain and hurt any longer. It is eating away at me. I shouldn't have snapped at you earlier. It's just..."
"I KNEW something was really bothering you." Chris shocked everyone with this statement, including me.
"What?" The rest of us spoke in unison.
"I saw the tears you held back when we boarded the plane in Dallas. They weren't tears of joy for having to take this damn flight that doesn't get us into Orlando until after midnight!" Chris knew I needed a little laugh. Finally, I composed myself enough to make a smart-ass remark.
"Go ahead on, boyfriend. Now you're getting the hang of when to add a little 'smart-ass' to a conversation." I smiled at Chris through my tears.
"Go ahead on, who! I'm tellin' you, this boy has got some twisted sayings."
Everyone looked at Joey as he said this and fell out laughing.
"Joey, don't ever change. You carry off the 'dumb and confused' act really well." I couldn't help but laugh again. But in my mind, I was grateful for the distraction. By some miracle of miracles, the focus was turned away from me and I knew I wasn't going to have to jeopardize my budding friendship with the guys by telling them I was gay.
I excused myself and went to the lavatory to wash my face. As I walked past Justin, I couldn't help but throw a smart-ass jibe his way.
"Justin, if you like, you can join me." I said this loud enough so Lance, Joey, Chris and JC heard me as I continued to the lavatory. I looked back before I entered to see four grins and a shocked face. I winked at Justin and walked into the john.
While in the lavatory***********
"Snap out of it Curly! Jase was just kidding." JC smiled at Justin and giggled at the look Justin still had on his face.
"Do you think Jase might have meant it more than just a joke?"
"What are you getting' at, Justin. Jase isn't gay, is he!" JC never meant to say the 'is he?' part out loud.
"How the FUCK should I know!" Justin's defensive tone startled JC.
"I didn't mean anything, I just..."
"You just what, JC. Just because I held Jase and let him cry on my shoulder doesn't make us GAY! Just because he hugged me or squeezed Lance's shoulder doesn't make him GAY! Jesus, if that was all it took, every member of *N Sync would be gay. How many times have you and I hugged each other, or cried on each other's shoulder? DAMN!" Justin was pissed.
Back from the Lavatory***********
I walked out just in time to see Justin finish saying something to JC. Justin looked pissed.
"Justin, I was only kidding. I didn't mean anything by what I said. Don't be mad. I'm really sorry!" I knelt beside Justin's seat trying to determine if he was really pissed at me.
"I'm not pissed off at you, Jase. It's just SOME people can be so ignorant about showing emotion." Justin was staring at JC with nothing short of disgust showing in his eyes. JC quickly got up and ran to the lavatory.
I sat beside Justin in JC's seat and sighed. I knew I was probably the cause of the tiff between Justin and JC, I just didn't know how to fix it.
"Justin, don't let my smart-ass comments cause you and JC any friction. I know I go a little overboard sometimes with my jokes and jibes, but I never thought it would upset you this way. Go talk to JC. Fix this. What you think of JC is very important to him. Don't let harsh words be the last words you say to someone. You never know if they may be your last." A single tear ran down my cheek. I never meant to say as much as I did when I first sat down, but in some way, I knew I needed to say it.
"Oh, Jase. Please don't worry. I love your smart-ass way. It shows me you're being true to who you are, not putting up some kind of front because I'm a celebrity, because WE are celebrities. One thing you should know, we always try to resolve our differences before time builds any barriers. JC, Lance, Joey, Chris and I are as close to being family as you can get without being blood kin. We have our ups and downs, but we always seem to come out on top."
"Well time's a wastin'! Fix things with JC. The sooner the better, trust me." If Justin only knew I was putting up a front. The guilt and pain left within me was more than even I could comprehend. I had put away so much pain from the time I realized I was gay until coming out, let alone the circumstances of my family's death. Letting him know I was gay would surely end any chance of friendship, and that was something I just couldn't risk.
Justin stood and approached the lavatory door. He listened and could hear the muffled sobs of JC. He knocked, but got no answer.
"Josh, please open the door. We need to talk."
JC opened the door and Justin disappeared inside. I smiled to myself at the thought of the two occupying the small space in the lavatory at the same time. Call me dirty minded, but my imagination was running wild. I turned to see if Chris, Joey, or Lance had seen Justin go into the lavatory with JC. I was somewhat shocked at what I saw. Chris had fallen asleep and snuggled up to Joey. Joey, in turn, had his arm around Chris and was fast asleep.
I looked around and saw Lance sitting in my seat, staring out of the window.
I didn't know why he was there, but I wanted to find out. Lance had been very quite since I told everyone about my family's death. I sat down next to Lance, but never expected what would happen next.
"I don't get you. How can you laugh, smile, pull pranks, make jokes and be a general smart-ass when you have lost so much and are in so much pain? How? I can't imagine what it would be like to lose my entire family and still keep going. I couldn't...I just couldn't..." Lance shocked me with his words, so pained, so confused. I noticed tears slowly rolling down his cheeks as he continued to look out of the window. I put my hand under Lance's chin and turned his head toward me.
"Oh, Lance. I don't know how to explain my actions to you. I have always had a tendency to be a smart-ass. Humor has been my shield for so long now, I don't know how NOT to be funny or goofy. I can't tell you why, but laughter has so often taken the place of tears in my life. But it doesn't mean I don't feel pain and sorrow, grief and sadness. I just have always hidden those feelings behind the mask of a comedian. I never would have let any of you see me cry three weeks ago. But after losing all I have lost, I realized that by hiding these emotions, I'm actually hurting more than if I would let my true feelings show. It's just hard to change something you've done for so long. I'm not making much sense, am I?" I was lost in thought and didn't realize my tears had returned once again.
"Actually, I understand perfectly." Lance then hugged me and whispered something in my ear that broke down what remaining emotional barriers I had left. "Jase, I'll be here when you need someone to lean on, just let out the pain and sadness. Don't try to laugh it away. Let me, let US help you feel joy and happiness again. That's all I ask of you." I buried my face in Lance's neck and my tears flowed as if the floodgates to my tears had been broken. I don't know when, but JC and Justin had emerged from the lavatory, once again best of friends. They noticed me in Lance's arms and quickly made their way over to us.
"Lance, what happened?" Justin spoke with concern.
"I don't know. I just told Jase that I'd be here if he needed someone to lean on as long as he would stop hiding from his pain and would let me...let us help him find joy and happiness again. I never knew I'd upset him so much. I...I just wanted Jase to know how I felt." Lance now began to cry. After seeing how my emotional state was upsetting everyone, I came to the conclusion that I had done enough crying for the day. I was emotionally cried out! I lifted my head and looked into Lance's eyes. I realized he too knew how to hide from pain, his eyes betraying him. As I stared into his soul, I felt something I had never felt before. Something I wouldn't understand for some time.
Lance dried his tears and smiled a silly grin. He was obviously embarrassed by the situation, so I leaned in and whispered to Lance.
"Hey, can I pull just one more joke? Please!!! I'm about to bust if I don't get this one run up the flagpole. I just hope you salute!" Lance nodded and leaned back into the seat. I turned to JC and Justin.
"Guys, I see your little lavatory rendezvous has fixed the tiff y'all had earlier. DAMN Justin, you must be a GOOD friend. But I would suggest you wipe the corners of your mouth, you left a little somethin' there. And JC, you might wanna zip up your fly. That's an invitation I don't think you want to be passing out on a plane, even in first class." I said this so quickly JC and Justin had to let it all soak in before they understood what I was implying. Lance, on the other hand, was giggling so hard his face turned four shades of red. When Justin wiped his mouth, and JC checked his fly, I fell out laughing. JC and Justin did too, once they realized what they had done.
"I don't know if those are faces of shock or GUILT!" Lance laughed uncontrollably once he finished his statement.
"Good one, Lance. There's hope for you yet!"
Please put your seats in an upright position and stow away your tray tables in preparation for landing. Thank You
Justin and JC returned to their seats, but Lance remained sitting by me. I looked at Lance and asked for one last joke for the evening. He agreed. I leaned over the seat in front of Lance and me where Chris was all cuddly with Joey. I held my nose and did my best 'over-the-intercom' impression.
"Paging Mr. Kirkpatrick, Mr. Fatone. Your honeymoon suite is now available.
Paging Mr. Kirkpatrick, Mr. Fatone. Your honeymoon suite is now available." I sat down quickly as both Joey and Chris jumped to their feet.
Lance and I did our best not to laugh out loud, but the faces on Joey and Chris showed every emotion from fear to shock, all in one. JC and Justin just grinned.
"Hey Chris, Joey! Don't get pissed. Curly and I got taken for a good one too while you both slept. Like they say, don't get mad, get even!" Joey, Chris, JC and Justin looked at Lance and me.
"OOO, I'm shakin' in my boots! Lance, are you as scared as I am?"
"No, I really am scared. You have NO idea how those four can get back at you for pullin' pranks. Guys, I had NOTHING to do with Jase's pranks, HONEST!"
"Scoop, have you ever heard of the phrase 'Guilty by Association' before?" JC had an evil grin as he said this.
After landing, we waited for the other passengers to deplane. Tony checked the security arrangements with airport security, then he came back and told us we could leave. Justin, being the kind person he was, grabbed my duffel bag from me only to be reminded of his sore shoulder.
"Damn, Jase. I think you nearly broke my shoulder back in Dallas. It really hurts trying to carry your duffel bag."
"Then don't carry it, smart ass!" I smiled a Justin and took the bag from his shoulder.
As we emerged into the terminal, I got a sinking feeling. I stopped in my tracks and began to remember the last time I had been at MOC. My family had flown to Orlando one year on vacation. I got weak in the knees and started to get tears in my eyes. Lance noticed I wasn't following along and turned to see where I was. He quickly approached me and put his arm around my waist.
"What's wrong?" Lance looked into my eyes and somehow knew the answer.
"Get me out of here." I spoke barely in a whisper.
Lance quickly grabbed my duffel bag from my shoulder and, with his arm around my waist, quickly caught up with the other guys and rushed everyone along to the waiting limo. Tony made sure everyone's luggage made it into the trunk and told the driver everything was ready to go. The phone buzzed and the driver asked JC where to take everyone. He immediately said to take us to Justin's house. I just sat next to Lance in a daze, not knowing where I was, or where I was going. Memories of my family flooded my mind and for the first time, I regretted coming to Orlando. But, my dream of a guardian angel was turning to reality. I don't know how, but I had a good reason why now. For the first time in weeks, I felt safe and secure, even in my emotional state. And for that, I was truly grateful.
The next thing I knew, we were all standing at Justin's front door. Justin pulled out his key and let everyone in. Everyone made there way into the den and started finding a place to sit. I slumped down on the couch and was asleep before I knew it.
While I slept***********
"Damn, I'm tired. What is it, 1:30 in the morning?" Chris yawned as he said this.
"Somethin' like that. Let's get some rest. We have the meeting about the preliminary details of our upcoming tour. Hey Jase, do you..." JC looked over and noticed I was out cold.
"Poor guy. I don't know how he can manage all he's got on his plate. I would be devastated..." Joey had tears in his eyes as Chris patted him on the knee.
"I know, Joe. We just need to be there when he needs a friend or someone to talk to. I have a feeling there is something more that has Jase on this emotional roller coaster, I just can't place it. Only time will tell." Chris said this while watching me sleep.
"Well guys, I think we should get some rest. Everyone knows their place, so let's hit it." JC stood and walked towards the stairs. The guys followed with the exception of Lance. He removed my sweater, shoes, socks and pants leaving only my briefs and my shirt. Then he positioned me on the couch in a half way comfortable position. (Can you tell I'm a hard sleeper?)
"Please, Lord, let him have pleasant dreams. Good night Jase." Lance shut off the light and ascended the stairs.
When I awoke***********
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
I had the same nightmare again. I could still here the screams of my family. I sat up and realized I didn't know where I was. I stumbled in the dark and finally made it to the doorway to whatever room I was in, the den I guess. Then, with the moonlight coming from the window at the end of the hall, I started walking down the hallway. At the end, an open door showed me my salvation from this restless night: a piano.
I sat down in the dark and began to play a song that had haunted me since I had first heard it a month ago. I had watched 'Snowed In' on MTV and had heard a new song on *N Sync's upcoming album due out March 21. I sang the song for as long as I could before the tears came.
"When the visions around you...bring tears to your eyes.
And all the surrounds you...are visions and lies.
I'll be your strength. I'll give you hope.
Keeping your faith when it's gone.
The one you should call...is standing here all alone."
"And I will take...you in my arms...and hold you right were you belong.
'Till the day my life is through, this I promise you...
This I promise you."
I never knew that my outburst in the night had startled the guys upstairs awake. Nor did I know that they had heard me playing the piano and stood in the doorway, silently listening and watching me in the darkness. Only when I heard someone sniffle did I turn to see Justin, Lance, JC, Joey and Chris with looks of awe on their faces as tears fell downs their cheeks. I couldn't speak. I simply turned away and continued playing the song. They could never know the meaning of sharing music with them. I remembered my dream of a guardian angel and knew this was meant to be. I had found my guardian angels.