-------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forget About Letting Go (Part One)
By Ari Ryven __________________________________________________________________________
Chapter One ===========
Ya know...I'd never really thought I'd ever actually be able to get over the fact, that society hated me. That it was commonplace for people to dislike me just because I like guys. Maybe when I noticed that Aaron was starting to notice me, I managed to obsess over something else for a change.
I remember the first time I caught him looking at me. At first I was like..."WHAT THE FUCK IS HE LOOKING AT???" I was with my best friend, Trevor that day. We were catching dinner at Waffle House that night, and Aaron was working there. The whole time I could feel his eyes on me...
"Hey...Josh.... That fag Aaron is over there eyeing ya man! Do something...let's mess with him!" Trevor laughed. God, he said fag! Does that mean he hates fags- I mean does that mean he hates gays? Maybe I misheard him. Anyway.
"No way man, he can eye me all he wants, he just can't touch," WHAT WAS I SAYING!!! Aaron could touch me all over and I would touch him TOO!
"Besides man, the thought of din anything to lead that fag hag on makes my skin crawl," I lied. "I'm afraid he might rape me or something. EEWWW MAN!"
YEAH RIGHT! As if Aaron would have to FORCE me to have sex with him. I wanted to get rid of Trev sooo bad, but I couldn't. He was my ride, and what if I was wrong? What if Aaron was looking at me saying the same stuff I was saying to Trev?
"Yeah, right man! Admit it! HOMO!!! YOU WANT HIM, YOU WANT HIM...You wish he'd come over here and fuck you on the table RIGHT NOW don't you!" Trevor joked, grabbing hold of the table pretending to fuck it for all that he was worth (which as time went on that much amount to less and less). And, he kept poking me with his fork. ONE, EWWWW, there was still chocolate pie on that fork, and two he was way too loud!
Although he had no idea that everything he was saying was true, I was really hurt and could've cried. How could he hate someone so much?
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MAN!!! What the hell is wrong with you, sit still and shut the fuck up! What if someone hears???" I exclaimed with a little more venom in my hiss than I intended.
Trevor looked at me kinda stunned, giggled for a few minutes more then finally shut the hell up. But when he shut up, I got scared....Trevor shut up. About 5 seconds later I found out why. I looked around the corner of my booth and a crotch nearly hit me right in the face! What?!? Trevor just exploded with laughter and I sat up straight8 with a deer caught in headlights kinda look.
"Hey Trevor, Joshua..." Aaron said...'Joshua' heheee, OMIGOD! Aaron! SHIT! "Umm...Trevor are you alright?" Trevor who had since doubled over in his seat due to a massive laugh attack tried to sit up and speak through his giggles and snorts. "Listen, Sarah's on her break I'll be taking care of you guys while she's out there...Can I do anything for you two?"
Trevor managed to calm himself, and still hold on to some threads of dignity. Then he said it. "Umm, heheheee....Yeah! GREAT Aaron! Hey listen, umm, cutie...why don't you do me a favor, and take this number down!" He attempted to maintain his composure, "973-9173...Josh gets a li'l lonely on the weekends!" He started busting out in fits of laughter again, pantomiming holding a phone to his ear and mouthing the words, "call me." I think I bruised my chin, b/c it found it's way to the floor, and fast too.
Aaron looked at me with what I assumed was the same look I had given him when he first walked up to our table...He sighed, and walked off saying "Fuck off assholes," under his breath. He still looked at me from behind the counter and while Trevor was trying to calm down, I looked over and managed to lock eyes and gave him my best non-verbal apology I could.
I gave Trevor the silent treatment through the rest of dinner, and he got the hint that I was pissed. As we headed for the car I finally let it all blow up..."WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?!? What were you thinking giving him my number?" I practically screamed at him. Hey, you DO NOT piss me off, not even if you are my best friend. Especially if it's just to make fun of some "FAG!" as he calls us.
"Jeez man I was just joking around. Besides I said 9173, Yours is 9371 remember? Besides, it was worth it wasn't it? Shit that pucker fucker deserves a hard time for ever being born!" Trevor said, with some anger in his voice, not apologetic at all.
"Trev, he's gay, that doesn't mean he's the scum of the earth man. He was actually pretty cool back in fifth grade man...remember?" I tried to avoid sounding sympathetic, but still find a way to get Trev to realize he shouldn't be such a fucking bigot.
"He USED to be cool man, but that was what, three," Trevor counted the years on his fingers. He was soo cute when he was really trying to remember something. " SIX years ago!!! Shit man, a lot has changed...me and you almost completely stopped hanging out freshman year remember? It's because we all change man...and he CHANGED! That's all I'm saying man...he changed...and change ain't always good. That's all I'm saying."
"Well you still shouldn't have been such an asshole, he's Becky's best friend...he says anything to her and you won't be getting any for a looong time." Becky, Trevor's girlfriend of two years, was a MAJOR babe at school.
She was also into acting, and apparently so was Aaron...they became best friends during one of the school plays...I got stuck on publicity for that dumb thing somehow...I think I needed extra credit for language or some shit like that. That was freshman year, and back then I didn't really know I was gay. I remember spending that WHOLE semester trying to get into Becky's pants. Never worked...I tried getting closer to her by associating with Aaron even though he'd been labeled as a fag even back then. Two years later the poor guy still hadn't managed to prove anyone wrong. I drove my thoughts back to Trev and Becky, "So...I think we should lay off the fag bashing if you want to get laid."
"Yeah, So, let's stop having fun for Becky!!!" He said in his best valley girl voice. He giggled ferociously at that thought. I guess I must've been more pissed than I thought, because I didn't even flinch. I just stared off into space, stone-faced. "Yo, Numb Nuts? Where we going? You uhh, wanna go back to my place and smoke my pole?" Trevor joked and poked me in the arm. I hadn't heard him.
I just mumbled a monotonous, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever." Which made Trev jump back to the far side of the cab of his Blazer and scream bloody fucking murder!
"OMIGOD!!! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!!! YOU'RE A POLE-SMOKIN' QUEER!!!" He screamed at the top of his lungs.
I came back to life, oblivious to what I'd just said. "WHAT?!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT," then I caught on. "MAN! Fuck you, lets just go to the park and see if James is there...maybe he's got some bud or something."
"Aye Aye Captain Spank Monkey, will ye be needin any semen for this voyage?" Trevor asked as seriously as he could manage in some lame attempt at a pirate's voice. I couldn't ignore him this time...It was sooo cute. Trevor was cute. I admit it....but he was just so UNTOUCHABLE. I broke out into hysterical laughter even though it was a stupid joke. I guess I can only be pissed at someone for so long. Especially someone I love as much as I do Trevor. Watch it JOSH...thou shalt not covet thy best friend...is that a commandment? Ah, hell I'm not Christian anyway.
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Chapter 2 =========
I laid in bed for hours before sleep finally came. I couldn't stop thinking about how much Trevor seemed to hate Aaron just because he was gay. What was really bothering me was that it wasn't just some guy he didn't know, it was Aaron. Both of us knew Aaron really well, like ever since around 4th grade.
I was just laying there staring at my ceiling and thinking, not knowing, wondering, what if Aaron actually called that number? He'd get the wrong number. Duh JOSH!!! Trevor gave him the wrong number! SHIT! DAMNIT TREV! WHY COULDN'T YOU BE EVEN MORE OF AN ASSHOLE AND GIVEN HIM MY REAL NUMBER?!? GAWD, sometimes I can't stand that guy.
Don't get me wrong I love Trevor to death...the only thing that keeps us from being full-on brothers is the fact that we're not blood related. He and I grew up together. We used to run this neighborhood back in the day. All the kids would come over to see what Trev and Josh were up to. Even up until we were like 12, guys and some girls would come over to check and see what the two dynamos were up to. Those were the days. But, these last few years have been tough for me and him. You know though, the two of us being typical males...well the one of us anyway, we don't get into this much. To be honest all we ever do anymore is hang out at school, and maybe go hang out with James, the town drug dealer I guess you could call him, down at the lake.
James, now he was a great guy...no matter what your pleasure was whether it was bud, meth, downers...he either had it within his reach or new who to call to get some. But that wasn't all he was to me. I'd beat off many many nights thinking of him. I guess you could say that I had a kind of crush on him. Whenever I got near him I kinda started to become transparent, and more empathetic towards everyone around me. When I was around James, I'd become one of my worst nightmares. I would act like a fag.
I'm not really sure I hated the fact that I was gay. When I was horny, whether it was right or not never entered into it... Sooo, most of the time it didn't worry me. Hehe. But then there were times like this.
My mind kept returning to Aaron though. Eventually, I guess my subconscious got tired of my obsessing over the night's events and it sent images of Aaron naked running through my head. I was never supposed to have seen him but my GOD he looked so good!
It was opening night for Becky's latest play. She'd landed the lead role of Penelope in this great little British comedy called See How They Run. OH god that play was so funny. There was this one part in the third act, where Aaron, who was playing this guy Toop runs out on stage in nothing but boxers!!! OMG he was so sexy! I'm not sure if they caked makeup on his whole body or not...but it looked damn good I can tell you that. He was this smooth evenly tanned dark haired Adonis, the likes of which I'd never seen. I guess I fell in love with him then...OH GAWD, I said the "l" word. SHIT.
Anyway...after the show I ran backstage to congratulate Becky and tell he what an awesome job she did. I guess I wasn't expecting it to be as dark as it was. I tripped across the set, and made it backstage by some miracle and as soon as I passed the black masking flat, I ran into someone...They were doubled over and I couldn't see, so I had no Idea who I'd ran into. I caught myself by grabbing onto the folds of one of the wing curtains and used my free hand to grab the poor person's arm I'd ran into to keep the from falling.
"Whoa shit! Man, are you alright?" I asked as I managed to catch my balance. As I stood up I accidentally rammed my hip into the person's butt. My hand lightly brushed warm flesh.
Suddenly a blue light was clicked on just over where I was standing, and Aaron stood up full-length, buck-ass naked. Even though he was bathed in an eerie blue light I could easily see every rock hard chiseled muscle on his body. Including his rather nice, also rock hard cock! He was almost completely hairless except of course for the hair under his arms, and a rather nice happy trail leading to a beautiful patch of dark dark blue pubic hair. (HEY THE LIGHT WAS BLUE AFTERALL!)
"Oh my god, JOSH!" Aaron managed to exclaim. An instant later he had picked up one of the stage props which I later recognized as Reverend Humphrey's hat, and covered his crotch. "Umm...wh- wha- what are you doing here? You're sup- p - pppposed to be up front man!" He said in a timid and frightened voice I barely recognized.
"Oh man, Aaron...I'm so sorry...I didn't know. I...I just came back to congratulate-"
"JOSH?!? OH MY GOD JOSH! I'm so glad you made it!" Becky came bouncing around the corner and threw her arms around me. Saved by Becky. She stepped back and tossed Aaron his robe. "Cover your tush sweetie, you might catch a cold...I told you your robe was down stairs." She told Aaron with a motherly tone. "What brings you to the changing area Joshy?" She asked sweetly.
"Umm...uh...it was...was an accident, I came backstage to find you. G-G-Great Show Beck...you were AMAZING!" I managed to spit out while at the same time running thoughts of Sally Struthers, Bo Derek, Pamela Anderson, Barbara Streisand, My Mom, My grand mother, Power Tools...WAIT NO NOT POWER TOOLS! ANYTHING, to get the images of Aaron's big hard cock out of my head. I swear that thing must've been 7 or 8 inches!
"Hey did Trev make it tonight? He said he was gonna come to one of the shows..." She asked, as if she didn't already know the answer.
"Umm...no, not tonight...I think he's coming tomorrow...I know I am!" I said a little too excitedly. I guess I managed to draw Aaron's attention with that exclamation, as he looked up and kind of half-smiled when I said that. OH! Mental Note, bring Trevor to tomorrow night's show.
"Ye- Yeah. Remember Beck? He stopped by our locker before lunch. I guess you didn't hear him... You were talking to Tina. He said he was going to come to the Friday show. He couldn't make it tonight because he-"
"He promised James he'd help him set up for this weekend. GOD! Now I remember. Thanks Aar!" I lied. I guess Aaron knew as well as I did Trevor hated these shows. He locked eyes with me and held them with a look that told me I'd better get Trevor to the show the next night or else.
"Oh...I guess you're right...I didn't hear him," She smiled broadly. "C'mon Aaron let's go take off all this fucking makeup...I can just feel it starting to form blackheads, and pimples...OH GOD THEY'RE GGGGRROOWWING!" She screamed and ran off laughing hysterically...Aaron in tow. ACTORS!
Later that night as I was walking to my house I heard someone come running after me. A weak and weary Aaron came to a stop beside me. He was panting for breath. He grabbed my shoulder for support and caught his breath.
"Josh, hey...."
"Hey Aaron. Umm...what's up? Why were you running?" I asked extremely confused.
"Just... a sec...." He sat down on the curb and finally after what seemed like hours managed to regain control of his breathing and talk to me. "Listen. I just wanted to umm...thank you." THANK ME? FOR WHAT? Embarrassing the hell out of him as well as nearly bowling him over? Ooh! Maybe he enjoyed that! "...For helping me cover for Becky." Well, there went that idea.
"I know how sensitive she is about that stuff...I was glad to help, besides, I gotta keep Trev outta trouble...it's kinda my-"
"Bullshit." He stood up glaring at me with this incredulous look on his face. "You don't know shit about how sensitive she is..." OUCH! I must've tripped something else this time. "She cries to me on the phone all the time, because of what your dickhead friend does to HER! And what he does to ME!!!" He started to get loud, and very very angry. His eyes were full of hate. Did he hate ME?
"I'm...I'm-"
"NO!" He screamed. "NO. No. Forget about it." His attitude changed. It was almost as if his remarking on how Trevor treated him drained away all of his courage. "Listen Josh, I'm sorry, but please, please. This means a lot to her, could you please make sure he shows up tomorrow night? Please?"
This time it was a look of sincere concern. What does it matter? He's not concerned that I do something right, or that I help him. He's concerned that if Trevor doesn't show up, Becky will be devastated.
"Umm...yeah. He's uh- he's coming tomorrow night. He'll be there whether he wants to or not Aaron. I promise." That made him smile. For a moment I swear his perfect white teeth made that pinging sound you only hear in those old commercials.
When I looked into his gorgeous hazel eyes, I saw something I'd never seen in anyone's eyes before. Hell I don't know what it was...it just made me smile. He extended his hand to me, and we shook. His skin was soft and smooth, and shocks of electricity were doing the salsa on my spine.
"Thank you josh. Thank you. I don't want anyone hurting Becky." He got a little teary-eyed. God there must be something I don't know about. With that he changed the subject all together...All traces of concern and fear left his face and eyes. He really was a great actor. He turned and started walking on past me. Yep, a great actor with a beautiful, tight, teen ass. "So...Josh...Did you like what you saw?"
My jaw slammed into the pavement. "WHA-WHA-WHAT?!?" What did he say to me?
He kind of giggled and turned to face me. He was blushing. Awwww. "The PLAY! Did you like the play? How was I? You gave Becky rave reviews, what about me?" He asked smiling wryly.
"Oh, OH! Oh, you...you were GREAT!" I said a little more emphatically than I guess I should have. Under the glow of the streetlight his face became an intense shade of red. Oh God, we both knew I wasn't talking about the play!
"Thanks!" He said, and with that beautiful smile I heard the ping again, and then footsteps as he trotted off down the street to his house.
So I guess seeing him naked had a great effect on me. Hell that whole night had a great effect on me. Right now I had other matters to attend to. I didn't get to finish beating off...I was too tired. I fell asleep with my dick in my hand.
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Chapter 3 =========
When I woke up the next morning, my neck was in knots. I guess it WAS a restless night. Apparently, I'd slept the whole night with my head hanging over the side of the bed. DAMN! I gotta stop doing that.
I got up to dress and shower, but by the time I reached the door my phone rang. I stumbled back to my bedside table to see who the fuck was calling me so early in the morning.
"Yeah? What do you want?"
"OOH! Is that any way to greet a friend Joshua?!?" Becky who was WAY too cheerful for me at this point was on the other end of the line asking if I was sleeping!
"It is when it's..." I fumbled around for my alarm clock and turned it to where I could see it. "when it's 4:24 in the morning!" I screamed into the receiver.
Becky began to laugh on the other end. "4:24 a.m. huh? Hey...umm, Josh dear? Go open those damned curtains! It's 4:30 p.m. and I need you to do me a big big favor!"
"OH SHIT! God Beck, I'm sorry I really didn't know what time it was...I didn't sleep too well. Had a bad night." Realizing that I slept the day away woke me up real quick. What the hell was I doing sleeping away a beautiful Saturday?
"Umm...yeah, I know. So did Aaron. Hey listen, can you meet me at the waffle in about 10 minutes? Bring some money for dinner...err breakfast--hehe." She laughed uneasily. What was up with that? She wants me to meet her for dinner? At the waffle house? OH SHIT! Last night! Aaron! Uh-oh!
"Uhhh, uhhh, no. I- I just got up Beck. Maybe some other time?" I said hoping she'd say ok and just hang up.
"OH COME ON! This is really important Josh. I need to talk to you about something." She pleaded.
"Can't we just talk on the phone? Wait, why don't you just talk to Aaron? He IS your best friend isn't he?" I asked, still hoping there was a way out of that dinner.
"Damnit Josh! C'mon. I never ask you for anything. Can't you just come down here and talk with me. Besides its freezing out here...that's why I can't stay on the phone much longer. So will you? Please? Just come down here Josh. I really really need to talk to you!"
"GOD BECKY! Alright, but I need to shower first. Make it 30 minutes. And this better be good!" I hung up the phone and stormed off to the shower. I think at that moment I realized why I was gay. Women were so pushy sometimes. What in the hell could be so important that she couldn't just tell me over the phone? Why couldn't she just talk to Aaron?
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Chapter 4 =========
God, Becky was right! It is FUCKING COLD out here! I thought to myself as I sped down the street on my rollerblades. Maybe I should have dried my hair first, that would have helped. No! What would've helped is if my mom would have kept her ass at home so I could've taken the car. No matter now. I think my dick froze and broke off about a mile back.
After a long cold trip, I had finally made it to the Waffle house. I skated past the window, waving at Becky as I did so. She waved back with a big goofy grin. That was like her trademark or something, I swear. I stopped at the door, undid my skates, put on my shoes that I had slung over my shoulder, and walked in. I noticed, that Aaron was working. GOD what was this about? If her best friend was here and she didn't want to talk to him about it, then it must be about last night. He must have told her about what Trevor did. And of course, I'm guilty by association.
I tossed my skates into the seat and sat down. A lot of good that shower did. I was covered from head to toe in sweat. "What's up?" I asked wiping sweat from my brow.
"Ooh, mom took the car huh?" I winced and nodded. "Gosh, I'm sorry Josh. Before I get started, will you promise me one thing?" Promises?
"What, Becky?" I asked with my best I'm cold, covered in sweat, and not too happy with you right now so I'm not sure I wanna promise you anything, look.
"Well, promise you won't get up and storm out of here if you hear something that you may not want to hear. And promise you won't go psycho on anyone." Promise I won't go psycho on anyone?!? What the fuck was she going to tell me?
"First off, the odds of me going anywhere," I paused to fish my cigarettes and lighter out of my jacket pocket. "After just making a 3 mile road trip in 20 minutes on roller blades, is very very unlikely. And what do you mean 'go psycho'?" I lit a cigarette and slumped back into the booth. I looked around the restaurant. Hey! I can see Aaron from here!
"Just promise!!!" She said, then grabbed my cigarette from me and took a long deep drag and handed it back. Becky only smoked when she was extremely nervous. That was very very rare. She was usually so controlled. I guess my look gave away my surprise. "Sorry, this isn't easy for me."
I picked up the box and flipped it open, offering her a cigarette. She accepted and after I lit her cigarette too, (even fags can be gentlemen!) I agreed.
"Good! Now, with that out of the way. Let's get our food!." She turned around the corner of the booth and gestured for Aaron to come over.
"Be right there!" He said. God he had the sexiest voice I'd ever heard!
A minute later Aaron slung off his apron and came over and sat down next to Becky. He looked from her to me, back to her and then he cracked a huge grin.
"Umm...what are you doing?" Becky asked Aaron, apparently amazed at his lack of pen and paper to take our order.
"What do you mean what am I doing? You told me to come over here, so, I took my break!" His smile faded and Becky slapped his forehead.
"DUH! We haven't even ordered our food yet! C'mon Aar, get with it!" She giggled, taking another drag off her cigarette. Aaron winced at the sight of her smoking. She in turn faked her smile and no longer found the situation amusing. "Sorry..." she apologized as she put the cigarette out. "Umm when's your next break babe?" She asked, changing the subject.
I'd never realized it before, but she was more affectionate towards Aaron than she was to Trevor. But it was a deeper affection...One I still can't fully understand.
"Oh, umm, around 6:30..." He smiled sheepishly.
"Shit! You mean this is your last break?" She said gawking at him as if he'd just made it more difficult for her to live. "What if you cut this break short?"
"No dice Beck. Have to take the whole break. If we cut it short, that counts as the whole break." He reached over to the ashtray and pulled it towards him. He fished a lighter from his pocket and lit Becky's half-smoked cigarette.
"You little shit!" She giggled, "That's mine! If you can smoke so can I!" She yanked the cigarette from him. That was real nice. You could tell they were good friends. He just sat back and shrugged his shoulders, smiling at me.
I got out my cigarettes and tossed the pack to him. "Keep it. I got another pack in my jacket." I patted my jacket lightly, and smiled. For the first time since he sat down, he said something to me.
"Awww, no that's ok Josh, I was just messing around with Beck." He handed them back, only to have me lean forward and push them back towards him.
"I said keep em Aaron. It's ok man! Really. C'mon, take 'em..." I said trying to convince him to take a friggin cigarette.
"Umm..." He looked down at the table for a moment as if he was searching for words. "Than- Thanks man."
"No prob, man..." I trailed off. Finally convinced I'd won the battle, I slouched back into my seat.
Aaron slowly lit up a cigarette and sat back in the seat. Becky looked over at him and smiled.
"Hey Aaron. I need to talk to Josh about something. It's kinda, you know...IMPORTANT!" She said with emphasis on "important." Aaron jumped the moment she said "important", then got up to leave. He was rubbing his shin.
"Jeez, I get the message...you didn't have to kick me! I'll talk to ya later Josh...thanks for the smokes! I'll send Sarah over to take your order..." He turned and walked over to the counter and finished his break.
"So...Josh! What are you eating? I'm just having some pie." She smiled at me as she mushed her cigarette in the ashtray.
"I'm not sure, let's see here." I looked over the menu as Becky continued.
"Anyways I asked you over here, because I needed to talk to you about last night. What -"
"Oh man, Becky...I'm sorry. I don't know what was up with Trev-"
"No! No, not that. I know what Trev said, and when I figure out where he is today-"
"He should be at James' helping set up for the party. You goin`?" I asked, relieved that she let me finish a sentence. Then again I'd done the same thing to her.
"Yeah. Anyways. I need to know something for..." She paused for a moment. She winced as she finished her sentence, "for Aaron's sake."
What does she mean for Aaron's sake? If it's not about Trevor teasing him last night? What is this about? Wait, why don't you finish listening to her FIRST Joshua!?!
Becky looked down and began to play with my lighter as she continued on, "Umm...last night, when you and Trev were here...you...you didn't say anything, or go along with any of his 'Jokes' did you? You weren't in on it to were you?" The way she said jokes, you could tell how bad it hurt her to know her boyfriend could be such an asshole. At the moment I agreed with her.
"No!...God No! Listen...I know Trev is my best friend, AND that he can be a bigot...But I...I wouldn't, I couldn't do anything like that. I'm just not that type of person." I said, trying to find the words that could help me sound straight, but let her know I'm cool with gay people.
"Oh...Oh ok...umm...What 'type of person' is that?" She asked, looking up to meet my eyes. Now it was my turn to look away.
"I don't know...I'm not the kind of person that just hates somebody just because their-"
"Hey guys, what's up?" Sarah asked as she stopped at our table. "What you guys havin` tonight?"
"Hi Sara! Umm...I want a slice of pumpkin pie if ya got it, if not apple will-"
"Yep we've got some pumpkin pie. It's great! Had some on my last break." Oh god you could see the pie in her hips! Eeeewww.
"Ok, I'll have that and some hot chocolate please."
"Ohhh K! And for you Josh?" She looked over to me and smiled.
I gave her my order and then pulled out my other pack of cigarettes. I pulled two out, tossed Becky one and lit up.
After a minute or so, Becky broke the silence. "You were saying?" She smiled weakly. God this must've been as hard for her as it was for me to talk about.
"Oh....yeah. Well, like I was saying. I'm not the kind of person to judge somebody because they're gay. I don't know...that's just not me...ya know?" I tried to sound like it was no big thing, but it was a big thing...I'd never talked about homosexuality to anyone unless it was to make fun of some guy that seemed to me to be gay.
"Yeah..." She said unconvinced I was telling her what I was really thinking, "So, how come? I mean you practically grew up with Trev...he turned out to be that way...."
"I DID grow up with Trev...I don't know...I guess it's because I've always been a pretty sensitive guy...and when my uncle died about a few years ago, and nobody in my family cared, it hurt me. Apparently my dad's brother, Michael contracted aids...We all thought it was from drugs..." I started to tear up. "Mike...Umm...He-"
Becky reached across the table and put her hand on my arm. "It's ok Josh. You don't have to-"
"No...no, it's ok." I managed to regain control of my emotions and go on. "Umm...Anyways, no one in the family had any idea that Mike was gay. He lived alone and he WAS 35, but nobody even suspected. But at his funeral, there was this guy there that no one knew. My dad who was pissed because it was a private service, tried to throw him out. The guy, Jeff, explained everything, well almost everything. My dad knocked him out and went into a fit of crying after the guy told him. It was really bad. But after that Mike was nothing to my family. No one would talk of him. My grandparents got rid of every single picture they ever had of him, and my parents took down the picture we had of him that used to be on our mantle. I keep it in my room now. Gay or not, mike and I were tight. Every summer I would go stay at his house for about 3 weeks. We'd hang out together all the time. I never wanted to come home when I was out there. I never wanted to come back here." All of a sudden memories of WHY I never wanted to leave uncle mike's place flooded into my head. A stray tear raced down my left cheek. "God, I'm sorry. Look at me...hehe, crying over spilt milk. So..."
"So..." Becky repeated, looking down at the table...
A minute later Sarah showed up with our food. "Here ya go guys." Becky kept staring at the table. She didn't even flinch. Sarah looked over to me and saw that I was crying. "Whoa...sorry guys...Enjoy your food!" She might have some big-ass hips, but she knew when to butt out.
Becky and I ate in silence, and didn't really ever finish that conversation. We changed subjects and started to talk about Trev, and we reminisced for a while. Then she asked the killer.
She was smiling by now, and she had me giggling like a little schoolgirl. "Hey, Trev's had all these girlfriends... what's up with you? The last time I even saw you go after anyone was freshman year...hehe...that was fun!" She giggled referring to me chasing after her all year long.
Why couldn't she ask me something- ANYTHING else? God, what do I say? I guess I'll have to wing it, "Umm...well I'm tryin` to have fun ya know, and I don't think I could do that with a girl...I mean girlfriend!!!" SHIT SHIT SHIT! Was there a pause when I said that? Did I pause when I said girl?!?!?
Becky stopped laughing and she took on a serious expression. Man oh man what did I just say?!? "Hehe....so, you just didn't wanna be tied down? You want to have fun. So you just mess around then?" She didn't sound like she caught my slip - up... At least I hoped and prayed that she didn't.
"Uhhh...yeah! I mean No! NO! I....GOD. No. I'm not like that either. I mean-"
"Josh...cut the shit." She said seriously, then broke out into a smile.
Her smile was infectious. After a pause and about 15 seconds of her smile I cracked a small grin. "WHAT?!?" I asked, trying not to giggle.
She sighed, and leaned forward. "Josh, no 17 year old male decides NOT to mess around and have sex with girls just so he can have fun. There's only one other guy I know that's like that." I caught on to what she was getting at. She knew. I don't know how...but she knew. "And you know what? I love him to death, he's like a brother to me. So please...you can trust me, I won't say anything to anyone. Just please, answer me one question?"
I swallowed attempting to force my heart back down out of my throat.
"Josh, are you...are you gay?" She asked, she was stone cold serious. She wasn't going to let me get out of this. But still I couldn't just tell her. What if she tells Trevor? Then he'll never speak to me again and he is my best friend.
"NO! God, I'm just...ya know...waiting...for the right woman to come along. Jeez, beck..." I slumped back into the seat and tried to blow it off, as if she was way off. Now I know why I never tried out for the plays. I can't act for shit!
"Josh....Will you stop with that macho bullshit. Listen I promised you that I will not tell ANYONE. Anyone DOES include Trevor. I won't say anything. This the one big favor I need from you Josh. I need to know this. You'll thank me for this. I promise, just please. Tell me the truth. I already know the answer anyways. But I need to hear it from you." She leaned forward and placed her hands on mine. I sat there in silence. I knew I was found out either way. I was a rabbit in her headlights, and if I didn't act quickly I'd be roadkill. "Josh?"
The butterflies that I had completely ignored up until now were finally getting to me. My heart was pounding. I could feel my whole body shaking. Someone knew that I was gay. And I didn't even tell them. They just knew. Was I really that obvious? I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I was going to break down. I had to get out of there.
I got up and ran out the door. I didn't take notice of anyone there...including Aaron. I didn't notice that he watched me leave with fear in his eyes. I didn't notice anything. I just ran. I didn't remember my skates, my jacket, I didn't care. I ran to the corner and sat down on the bench there. I leaned forward, and with my head in my hands I bawled.
HOW! How did she know I was gay? Did I reek of Scent de Fagot or something? And out of all the people in the world that knew...Why! Why did it have to be Becky? My Fag-hating Best friend's girlfriend...Why?!?
Not even a minute after I sat down at the bench, Becky came running around the corner with my jacket and my roller blades.
"God Josh I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't know that it was gonna be so hard for you...." She sat down beside me and put her arm around me. I shrugged her away violently.
"Why!?! Why is it so important to you?" I looked up at her. She was crying too. God, what is going on here? She reached her hand and brushed a tear away from my cheek.
"Oh josh... I'm sorry. It's just... Listen, I love you a lot you know. You may not feel the same way, but I feel as close to you as I do to Aaron. I don't know why... Josh... this isn't important to ME... I really don't care if you're gay or not, you're still my friend." She paused and looked up at the sky. It was already dark. Gotta love November nights.
"Wait...if it's not important to you....Then why the hell is it so important that you know?" Just as I finished speaking Aaron came walking around the corner, smiling. He was always smiling. I loved that. I tried to clean myself up, and smiled weakly...
"Umm...I'm off now. You, uhhh...you guys alright?"
Becky turned around to see Aaron standing beside her, smiling down at the both of us. She nodded, answering his question, then grabbed his hand pulling him closer to her side. She turned back to me and looked into my eyes. "Because it's important to him!"
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Chapter 5 =========
After few minutes of silence, there outside the waffle house, the 3 of us all piled into Aaron's blue Corsica and went somewhere else to talk. No one had said anything about the "conversation" since she told me that Aaron liked me when we were at the Waffle House.
Hell I was still trying to take it all in. I couldn't decide if that meant that Aaron liked me and wanted to know if I was gay, or if that meant he was just looking for someone to call a friend that was in the same situation. The prospect of becoming Aaron's lover...boyfriend, whatever that would make me if he wanted me...excited me beyond belief. But still. I couldn't just come out and say I was gay. When it came right down to it and Becky told me she already knew and all she wanted to do was hear me say it, I couldn't do it. And I really don't thing I could actually BE with Aaron. I wanted to. GOD How I wanted him. But, I can't, because if Trev ever found out I was even TALKING to Aaron, he would disown me as his friend, and probably beat my ass too. I really liked Aaron. But I'm talking about TREVOR here! My best friend. My companion in life since childhood. He was like so much more than a best friend. He helped me through my parent's divorce, and when I wanted to start a band 2 years ago, he volunteered to help me find some other guys that could play instruments. He was always there for me. But if he found out I was gay. If he found out...he wouldn't be there anymore. I don't think I could deal with that. But, was friendship more important than love? Should I...COULD I choose Trevor over Aaron if it came to that?
We ended up at the bridge just outside of the park. I managed to clear my mind of almost all thoughts as we slowed to a halt in the car. There was no one else around, partly because James was throwing a party a few miles up river at the spring, and because it was fucking cold outside. I checked my watch when I heard some shouts come from that direction. 7:16. Damn, he starts those parties earlier and earlier every day.
We got out and walked under the bridge to sit on one of the logs someone had dragged under the dry side of the bridge. It wasn't the best place to go to talk, because the 30-foot cement supports of the bridge formed a large arch, making even the slightest sound a reverberated nightmare. Aaron and Becky sat down and huddled together to stay warm because it was so cold. I sat down on the log opposite them just a few feet away.
No one said anything, and it was REALLY cold. I button my trademark German field jacket, and fished a cigarette out of my pocket. "You guys want one?" I asked holding the pack out to them.
Becky shook her head, "Sure! Maybe that'll help warm me up." Aaron giggled at us as she took a cigarette and tried to light it but couldn't because she was shivering so bad. I tried to light it for her, but I couldn't get my thumb to work right.
"GOD! You two are pathetic! Here!" He took My cigarette from between my lips, took hers, and pulled out one from the pack I'd given him earlier, then pulled out a windproof zippo lit them and passed em back. "One thing I've learned, as much as I hangout under this damned bridge is that if you wanna smoke you better get a windproof lighter, because the wind is ALWAYS blowing down here!" He laughed and leaned back against the cold wall. I started giggling myself, but that was just because he was so cute I had to do SOMETHING!
Becky didn't say anything for a minute, because she too was laughing. Then she stood str8 up and said, "OK! IT IS TOO FUCKING COLD OUT HERE! WE HAVE GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!" She extended a hand and pulled Aaron up to his feet, then did the same for me.
"Thanks," I smiled. "Well now where we gonna go?" I asked while we walked back to the car.
Aaron stopped to yawn and stretch before he got into the car. As he stretched his upper body his shirt came untucked and I got a glimpse of those well-toned hairless abs of his...OH GOD he had a great body. And to think I could have him! OH man this day was almost perfect. He looked up the hill at the gas station.
"First stop, THE GAS STATION!" He exclaimed in a cute yet commanding voice.
"Why there?" Becky asked, pausing before sliding into the front seat.
He flashed us a grin. "I uhhh...I have to pee." He said, as if he was making it up. Why the gas station? Oh well, if you have to pee, you have to pee.
We got back in the car, and he drove through the back alley up to the gas station.
He left the engine running, as he got out to go inside, "Either one of you want anything?" He asked.
"How `bout a Sprite?" Becky said, giving him a puppy-dog look that said, "but only if you're buying."
"Sure Beck. And for you?" He turned in my direction and for the first time today he and I made eye contact. He was grinning and he looked so happy. So sexy. So goddamn hot! Oh god I would take him right here in this car if- "Umm...Josh?"
I snapped back to life. "No thanks man. I'm fine." His smile faded for a second, but he held eye contact with me, then he smirked and turned to go inside. God his ass was sooo tight and perfect. I wanted to grab it and pull his body into me so we could share an intimate moment...or two...or three...
"He's got a great ass don't he?" Becky asked as if I was one of her girlfriends from school.
"Huh? WHAT?!?" I said excitedly, not sure what to say. She giggled and turned around to face me.
"Listen Josh. I know that you're not comfortable admitting it...or talking about it. But I see the way you look at Aaron. You like him. There is NOTHING wrong with that!" She said, emphasizing her last sentence, trying to get me to talk about how I feel towards Aaron.
I wasn't wanting to hear it. She couldn't possibly understand what was at risk here. "No. Becky...EVERYTHING is wrong with that? Don't you see? If I start hanging out with Aaron-"
"C'mon...Hang out?" She asked. Then laughed.
"It's not funny, Becky. Listen, if I'm even seen with Aaron, just hanging out like we are today...Trevor will go ballistic. He hates fags- I mean gays. And I'd be guilty by association." I tried to put into words how scared I was that Trev would kill me if he found out I just talking to Aaron.
"Josh, you are totally overreacting. Besides, why does Trevor have to know?" She asked, giving me the sinking feeling I wasn't going to win this argument without a long fight. "Can't you just give Aaron a chance?"
"Becky...." I looked at her and to Aaron who I could see at the register in the store. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wanted to love him so bad. I needed someone to love me too. I couldn't deny myself forever. "How can I give him a chance? Me and Trev hang out almost everyday. He would totally know something was up if I didn't hang out with him as much."
Becky bit her lip. Aaron walked out the store. He saw me looking at him through my window and he smiled. Becky turned around and just before Aaron reached the door said, "We'll figure something out...I promise."
"Hey guys!" Aaron tossed a plastic bag into the front seat and plopped down in his seat. He reached into the bag and pulled out a Sprite, Yoo-hoo, and Dr. Pepper. He handed Becky the Sprite, and turned around to hand me the Dr. Pepper. "Just in case you get thirsty."
Wow, he knew my favorite soda. "How....how did you know?" He laughed when I asked. What was so funny? I wanted to know!
"Umm...Josh, you come in and eat at the Waffle House just about everyday. I make a habit of knowing what my favorite customers drink and eat...." He trailed off. We were both blushing. He smiled and tried to cover for himself. "Better tips!"
"HAHAHA! Yeah! I'm sure that's why Aaron! Heheheee..." Becky was rolling laughing. When she said that Aaron turned and shot her an evil look.
I swear I can be such a blonde sometimes, of course he knew what I drank. He waited on my table most of the time!!! "Oh, well...thanks man. I'm kinda surprised you'd remember that. Thanks a lot!"
"So..." He said as he pulled out of the parking lot. He looked back into his rearview mirror at me. "I talked to my friend Linda...she said we could go to her apartment. She's working right now and won't be home for a while. It's cozy and warm there, and no one around to bother us. Is that cool with you Josh?"
I hesitated answering...going to someone's place that I didn't know? To be alone with Aaron? Normally this would be a fantasy come to life, but...well, this is reality....I had turned my gaze to the lady at the gas pump trying to pump gas and keep her kids in the car at the same time. Sometimes life could be so frustrating. I'd give anything not to be in this particular frustrating situation. On one hand I could finally be alone with Aaron...well kind of...and on the other, what if we run into someone that knows Trev and tells him that he saw me with Aaron going to some apartment? Not good.
"Josh?" Becky asked from the passenger seat. "Please?!? Remember what I said." She turned and smiled weakly. Aaron just kinda grew this confused look on his face.
What did she mean...remember what she said? What, the Trevor doesn't have to find out thing? She's right, I guess. But what if somebody tells him? Then my smarts kicked in. I was going to get to spend time with Aaron. GUILT-FREE! Trevor was definitely at James' party. "Umm..." What the hell...LET'S GO!!! "Sure! Let's go. I gotta be home by midnight though." I hope for mine, Becky and Aaron's sake that this place is nowhere near the party.