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"From Where I Stand" by Kanseiji
Chapter Nineteen - Horizons
"So exactly which part of `NO' didn't get through?" I threw out, a little irritated.
Jase just sighed and said, "Babe, please...we need to talk about this."
"Well I don't want to talk about it. Jeez Jase, it's July...why are you pressing this?"
Jase exhaled deeply and muttered, "Because I don't want to go through the year all blissful and ignorant, and then one day find out we're not gonna be together. I'd rather figure out what's going to happen now."
"Grr...so you want time to figure out when you need to dump me by?" Ok, that was a little harsh, but in my defense...if you can call it that...I wasn't feeling too great.
"Chris...that's not it and you know it. God..." That little lash out hurt him more than I realized. At that point, I had to sit down. We were standing in my room, arguing over something that, in retrospect, was very stupid to be arguing over. Something about being a teenager makes the smallest things get blown out of proportion.
"Jase...I'm sorry. Can't we just wait a while before getting into this?" Jase sighed and sat down next to me. He pulled me toward him...not that I had any objections to being close to him...and we just leaned on each other.
"Babe, I just want to be prepared. I don't want to be sitting with you one day and just have it come out, `oh by the way, I'm going to school somewhere else, so we're not gonna see each other.'"
So yeah, we were having the stock teen drama "we may not go to college together, so what should we do about our serious relationship" talk. I'm sure some writer at the WB has a more concise name for it, but sometimes descriptive is better than concise. I was still feeling a bit out of it at the time because of the topic of Justin moving, so naturally I didn't really feel like talking about losing my boyfriend either. Jase on the other hand, wanted to...apparently he had been worrying about it ever since I started summer school.
The deal was that my mom, in her infinite wisdom, decided long before that her kids were going to go to really good colleges, which inevitably cost a lot of money. She was a pretty shrewd investor and had a very good job, so she took it upon herself to set aside money for my brother and me to go to college...since we were 4 or so. Over the years, that translated into...well, my brother went to MIT without financial aid, so you do the math. In other words, I could basically go to whatever college I wanted without having to worry about how much it was going to cost...I was just supposed to worry about doing the best I could so I could get into a really good school.
Unfortunately, not all parents had the resources or foresight that my mother had...namely Jase's parents. It didn't help that they had several kids that were all probably college-bound. Jase's older siblings went to state college to save money, but on the other hand, Jase was different. None of his siblings were dumb per se, but Jase was just really smart. Everyone figured he'd go to an Ivy League school or something based on his academic performance...but apparently that wasn't in his plans. Jase had decided that he didn't want to deal with debt from school, so he would go wherever he could to minimize debt while still getting the good education he wanted. I added that to the list of his admirable qualities...but it presented a slight problem for us.
Call me spoiled, snooty, snobby, arrogant, etc, but I wanted to go to Harvard...period. Summer school was doing nothing except reinforcing that...I liked the place, the people, even the classes. Now, Boston is a great place college-wise...let's see Harvard, MIT, BU, BC, Tufts, UMass, Brandeis, Northeastern...I think those were the ones on the brochure. However, much to my dislike, none of the schools on the high caliber list...a.k.a. Harvard and MIT mainly...were too big on giving scholarships and such for merit. So that made going to school in Boston not likely for Jase. The remaining Boston schools were good and all, but I knew he could do better elsewhere and get scholarships and such.
So of course, that led to the topic of what was going to happen if we didn't go to school near each other...grrr. I really didn't want to deal with it. In the eyes of a detached observer, it shouldn't have even been an issue. High school sweethearts are just supposed to be stepping stones along the path, right? Only rarely do they continue on...but trying to convince high school sweethearts still in high school of that? Good luck. With my better reason tucked away in a dark corner of my brain, banging on the door to be let out, I did my best to wrap myself in a nice comfortable shell of live for the moment bliss. Of course, Jase's better reason must have had a grenade or jackhammer, because it was very much out and about and asking my better reason to come out and play.
"Jase, can we please just hold off on this for a little while? I can't deal with it right now."
Jase let his head drop a little as he closed his eyes and said, "Alright...just for a little while...but I'm not gonna drop it. We really need to talk about it."
"I know...just not right now. I don't wanna think about letting you go just yet."
"I don't want to let go either," Jase whispered as he hugged me tighter. "And hey, I may just be worrying about nothing...but it's better to have an idea of what's gonna happen if it's not nothing."
"I know, I know..."
Jase was a man of his word thankfully. He let the topic go for a good 3 weeks before bringing it up again. I was a bit more ready to deal with eventualities, so I didn't brush him off that time. After a bit of discussion, we both decided that we didn't want to give up on what we had...at least not completely. The words "open relationship" came up a few times...not exactly the best words for what were thinking though. The idea was that if we were geographically separated, we would "break up" and barring us forming any committed relationships while we were away from each other, we would "get back together" whenever the opportunity presented itself. Jase thought that it was a good way for us to get through any time that we were apart...if that was an eventuality. We were supposed to be "open to the idea of other people," but Jase made a point to tell me multiple times that "he'd always love me." I still didn't like the idea of someone else being with my guy though.
At that point, everything seemed to be in a good place. Jase and I had worked out something as far as the future of our relationship, Justin and I had come to terms with his eventual move, and I was getting along just fine in summer school. In retrospect, the classes were pretty easy and nothing to worry about...I guess some of that talk about grade inflation and such at Harvard was true.
Over the course of the summer, Adam and I had spent more and more time together as well. Ryan even commented that he was my "new Justin," which Adam thought was a compliment. Justin was still around, but Adam was definitely more of a presence because of the proximity. Becks noticed our closeness too...she gave me the "take care of my boy or I'll rip your balls off" speech. Who knew it was a standard speech?
One thing that really had Adam and I going was the idea of going to school together...as in for college. Now, dumb people just annoyed me to no end, so almost by default, all of my friends were smart...otherwise I probably would have been a complete ass and avoid them. I admit I had my share of an elitist, discriminating attitude, but I was very much ok with that. After all, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be able to have a deep, thoughtful discussion with your friends instead of only expecting them to be able to talk about...well, for lack of a better example, football. However, despite my preference in friends, the only ones from my high school that were gunning for an Ivy League-caliber college were Jase and Adam. And since Jase was limited financially when considering schools like Harvard, that left Adam.
And if anything, Adam looked like he had a better chance of pulling it off than me. I'm going to try to keep my bitching about this particular point to a minimum, but schools like Harvard have a quota on how many students that fit into certain categories. Unfortunately for me, I fell into the "overachieving Asian non-first generation college student" category...in other words, the deck was stacked against me. Now, I am by no means saying that people in that category couldn't get past such limitations...perfect example being my brother...but I definitely felt more pressure than I wanted. Adam on the other hand...Caucasian, smart, athletic, motivated, etc...who wouldn't take him?
Still, I decided I had a decent chance as long as I kept doing well in school...summer school included. Adam seemed very stoked about the idea of us both being at Harvard for college...the whole, "let's be roommates" idea came up as well. Now I'm pretty sure it's always said that rooming with your friend in college isn't always the best idea, but Adam and I were around each other so much that we thought it would work out just fine. Also, I think in the back of my head I had the thought that I may try to get together with Adam if Jase wasn't there...horrible guilty thought, I know, but hey, guys don't have innocent minds...that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
"Hey, are you sure you want me to go with you? I mean, is everyone else not available or something?" Ryan...so we didn't spend that much time together for a good chunk of the summer just because of differing schedules and some friend situations...namely CJ and Adam...but I didn't know what made him think that he was on the bottom of my list of people I wanted to spend time with.
"Ry, come on...I can't ask a friend if he wants to go see a movie?" Seriously, I just wanted to go see a movie...and it just happened to be a movie that I thought we would enjoy more than anyone else. I wasn't sure what Adam was doing at the time and it was during the day, so Jase was out automatically, but that wouldn't have stopped me from asking Ryan.
Ryan smiled at me bashfully. "Well I guess I just wasn't too sure...we haven't really been hanging out much."
Gay as it was, I just went up to him and gave him a hug. "Ry, it's not because I don't want to be around you...quite the opposite actually. Besides, summer is almost over, so I thought maybe we should try to hang out at least a little before it becomes a massive operation to do things again...but if you don't want to..."
"No, no...it's not that. Hehe, I guess I thought maybe you still were...nervous around me or something."
"I'm over it."
"Whew...me too."
"Movie?"
"Let's go."
I made a mental note to figure out why people always thought I was trying to avoid them or something...ok granted I was avoiding Ryan before that and I guess I didn't make a clean, obvious transition into not avoiding him, but come on. In any case, we went to see the movie. It was fun and interesting for us...science fiction thriller type...so I was glad I asked. We decided to grab some coffee afterward and we sat down to catch up a little with each other. Living across the hall from each other obviously wasn't enough to stay in touch with everything that was going on with the other, so it was good to put forth a little effort. Much to my surprise, Ryan had a girlfriend...well not so much surprise about it actually happening, but I didn't know already.
"When did this happen?" I asked, wide eyed.
"About...um...2 weeks ago maybe?" Ryan responded as he ran his fingers through his hair, thinking it over.
"I guess we really did need to catch up a bit."
"Heh, yeah looks like."
"So what's her name? Details, man!"
"Haha...her name's Sabine...she's in my class...political science major...hot, hehe. Dark brown hair and blue eyes...very Angelina Jolie, haha."
"Ooo...go Ry," I congratulated as we toasted with our coffee.
"Thanks. So everything still good with you and Jase? I haven't seen him around as much lately."
"Yeah, he's just been busy with work...wrapping up before the school year."
"Ah cool. Oh yeah, so is the whole Justin moving thing working out ok?"
"Yeah...he's doing a lot better and I've accepted it I guess."
"You guys will be fine...no doubt there." Coffee break. "So are you ready for your finals?"
"I think so...just not looking forward to sitting for 3 hours in an exam."
"Haha. Yeah well, the finals shouldn't be too bad since you have like intro level classes. So, ready to come to Harvard for college?"
"Ha...if I can get in, sure."
"Dude, you'll get in...unless you like get expelled from high school or maybe commit a felony."
"Do hate crimes count?"
"Typically."
"Damn...so much for that plan. Better let the KKK know I'm out."
"Hehe. Well there's a couple weeks in between summer school ending and school starting for everyone, right?" I nodded. "We should all try to do something vacation-like before starting up school again."
"Any ideas?"
"Well, I hear the Cape is nice."
"Hmm...that may work. We should try getting into a bed and breakfast down there and just hit the beach and such."
"Oooo...beaches...miss those. Dude, let's do it."
"Oh oh, we could do a clam bake too...seriously, let's plan this."
"So who's coming?"
"Hmm...let's see...you and your girl, me and Jase, Justin and Becks, Adam, CJ...do you think there's gonna be any Adam-CJ tension?"
"Nah...CJ is fine I think. How about Adam?"
"He's good too...Adam doesn't have a boy yet, does CJ have anyone he may wanna bring?"
"Apparently he's sworn off on guys for a while."
"WHAT?!" A second earlier and Ryan would have had a mouthful of java in his eyes.
"Yeah I know, completely not like him, but I dunno."
"Well we can try to figure out the logistics after talking to everyone."
"Yup...so um...is a bed and breakfast just what it sounds like?"
"You're a sharp one." That garnered me a punch in the arm. "Ow!"
"You so deserved that."
"Confucious say, ask stupid question, you stupid."
Ryan had to think that one over for a second. "Confucious was a fucktard with bad grammar."
"Haha, be that as it may..." ****
It didn't quite occur to me at the time, but looking back, I realize I didn't really make any effort on my own to form any lasting friendships that summer at Harvard. Despite the prevalence of new and somewhat interesting people everywhere, I didn't really seem to bother. Looking back, I probably should have put forth a bit more effort to meet some people, but on the other hand, there wasn't exactly any guarantee that anything would come of it...besides I spent the time getting closer to the people I already knew and cared about.
However, for some reason that seemed like it was obviously hidden from me, random people seemed to appear interested in me and my life...go figure, I thought my life was pretty tame and uninteresting. Not that I didn't mind the attention...for once, I didn't really feel like I was in anyone's social shadow...but I still didn't get it. One particular person that seemed to suddenly appear one day and then didn't disappear was this guy named Greg. He was in my astronomy class and in comparison to some of the freaks and weirdoes in that class...um yeah, people who have stargazing parties and actually manage to avoid using the situation to actually meet people creep me out...he was pretty normal. Still, I think somewhere in the syllabus for the class, there was a sub-header for it being a class for people with social problems of some form or another...no wonder I took it.
Greg was on the quiet and timid end of the spectrum, but managed to start up a conversation with me on a few occasions. Now, one reason for that may have been the fact that there was another kid in the class that wouldn't leave him alone. Have you ever had an itch that just won't go away no matter how much you scratch and claw at it? That describes the kid in question pretty well. I think his name was Steve or something, but I didn't really pay too much attention...I took that class as an opportunity to see how ominous and unapproachable I could be given the people present. It didn't seem to deter Greg that much though. He managed to strike conversations about random things in class...yeah, the dork in me was actually pretty receptive to talk about black holes and thermonuclear physics. Not to be too shallow...well, you don't really try to be shallow so much as you just ARE shallow...I didn't really pay him that much mind, even when we were talking. Cue the shallowness...he was average looking in my humble opinion with half messy brown hair and brown eyes. He thankfully didn't fit into the disturbingly skinny and pale or fat and creepy categories...yeah I'm going to hell, see you there.
So a couple days before the final, I was sitting in the science library studying away, and low and behold, Greg appeared...studying too, go figure.
"Hey Chris!" Ok, maybe I thought he sounded a bit too excited to see me, but whatever.
"Oh, hey Greg." I motioned to the seat since I figured he was there to study and he didn't bother me...usually.
"So, how's studying going?" I just pointed to the table...covered in books and papers. "Ah, that good, huh?"
"I really don't know why I'm doing this..."
"Yeah, didn't the prof say that you don't have to worry if you were doing well in the class and that the final won't hurt you more than like half a grade?"
"Yeah, but I don't want an A- if I can help it."
"Haha, yeah neither do I. Anything really giving you any problems?"
"I can't memorize names that well...so I'm just going over them over and over."
"Ah, yeah it's a pain."
"How bout you?"
"I need to go over all that nuclear fusion/fission stuff...I had to memorize the answer to the binding energy curve thingy on the midterm. I still have no clue as far as actually understanding it."
"Haha, yeah neither did I...but luckily my mom did, so I had her explain it to me. I can help you out if you want."
"Aw man, that would be great! Hey, maybe I can help you memorize all these stupid star and constellation names if you're having trouble."
"Sounds like a plan. OH!" I glanced over to the wall and started packing up quickly. "That study room just freed up. I've been waiting for like an hour. There's a chalkboard in there, let's go!" Chalkboards and whiteboards are probably some of the best inventions ever conceived by humanity. I sent Greg ahead to secure the room as I gathered up my stuff. We dumped our study materials out on the table in there and got to it.
"So do you have any other finals?" Greg inquired as we got situated.
"Yeah, for calculus, but that should be easy."
"Oh, which class are you taking?"
"Calc II."
"Oh cool. Yeah, it shouldn't be too bad."
"Have you taken it already?"
"I took AP Calc BC, so I think it covers the same stuff more or less."
"Ah...yeah they only offered AB at my high school."
"Yeah mine too, but I just got a book and took the BC test."
"Haha, yeah I did that for chemistry."
"Ooo...I'm guessing you're pretty good with all this atomic, nuclear stuff, huh?"
"Heh, I have my moments. I'm just glad they didn't get into too much depth with some of it though...I think physicists were smoking crack when they came up with some of this stuff. Like gluons...muons...charmed quarks?"
"Haha, yeah it's messed."
We studied pretty hard for a good two hours or so before needing a break. I managed to cram nuclear binding energy theory into Greg's head with some success and he drilled me until I could name all of the constellations in the northern sky...which I promptly forgot after the exam. Feeling a bit better about our preparedness, we just chatted for a bit.
"So do you know where you're applying for college?" Greg asked.
"More or less I guess...I really want to come here, but I dunno how realistic that is..."
"Heh, yeah I think everyone is on the same boat for that one. So what are your backup schools?"
"Anywhere that takes CommonApp, haha."
"Haha, yeah, I don't wanna fill out any more apps either. You're from around here right?"
"Yup, Quincy. You're from New York, right?"
"Yeah, Rochester."
"Cool. Are you applying to schools near home or trying to get away?"
"A bit of both...home's not that bad, just a bit boring. But that may be a good thing...I think if I went to school in a big city with too much to do, I may end up failing, haha."
"Heh, yeah I worry about that too. Actually I'm a bit behind on finding schools and researching them. I pretty much only know the ones here in Mass."
"Oh, there are a bunch in New York that are pretty good...besides the Ivies of course. Actually I may end up just going to the U of R."
"I'm guessing that means University of Rochester."
"Yep."
"Good school? Sorry, I just don't know about it."
"Yeah...it used to be ranked higher, but fell behind. My brother goes there...says it's everyone's backup school, haha."
"Hold that thought..." Out came the trusty laptop and a minute later I was on the internet looking up the school. "Ah, here we go..." The website was actually pretty easy to get around...unlike Harvard's which more resembled a rat maze where the rats commit suicide or starve to death.
"Yeah the school is on the small side...I think like 4000 undergrads. But, they have a bunch of scholarships though."
"Scholarships? Like athletic ones or academic ones?"
"Academic. My dad is insisting that I apply so maybe I can save some money instead of taking out lots of student loans or having him cough up too much, haha."
"Oh wow..." I found the page with the scholarship descriptions. "Some of these are pretty good..."
"Yeah. My dad went there so I don't have to pay an application fee and the kids of alums usually get one of the scholarships automatically."
"Cool...talk about worthwhile nepotism."
"Heh, yeah."
"Y'know, the name of this place suddenly sounds familiar..."
"Really? Most of the people I talk to out of state have no clue about it."
"I actually feel like I have something from them..."
"Hmm...oh! Did you get an award?"
"Award?"
"Yeah, UR gives a few different ones to high school kids...I guess trying to get people to go there. I'm guessing you probably got the Bausch & Lomb science award."
"Ooooh! I was wondering what that was..." Yeah one day I got handed this little plaque that said Bausch & Lomb on it...apparently someone nominated me without telling me.
"You should apply, there's a scholarship for that."
"Really?"
"Yeah, all the people who get those awards usually get some like $6000 a year scholarship to UR."
"That's not a whole lot considering it costs like $40k to go there."
"Haha, true, but it doesn't hurt...and there are other ones too."
"Hmm...I think I will..." Though I had the place more in mind for Jase at that moment...I thought he would be able to snag a large merit scholarship easily and he would be happy for that.
"The only reason I don't wanna go there is `cause I'll know like 100 people there...and not all people I want to be around..."
"Haha, they get a lot of locals?"
"Yeah. I don't know if Boston schools are like that too."
"Some definitely are...I still want to go to school here."
"You don't want to get away from home?"
"Not really...my mom is never around anyway because of work and Boston's big enough to avoid some of the people I don't want to see from high school if I want." There was a brief silence, but Greg spoke up...something much to my surprise.
"Hey, I hope I haven't been bugging you all summer."
"Wha?"
"Y'know, always coming up and talking to you and sometimes bringing Steve into the same time zone..."
"Oh...haha, nah don't worry about it. You don't bug me at all...Steve on the other hand..."
"I seriously don't know why he is always around me...I don't even know why he started talking to me in the first place."
"Heh, maybe he likes you."
Greg responded with a gagging noise and face. "Gah! Please, if I did have a guy like me, I would hope that I could get a better one than him...jeez. I don't think he's gay anyway."
"What makes you say that?"
"Just doesn't strike me as gay. I don't think he'd dress the way he does if he were...haha." He had a point...Steve dressed like a frumpy lesbian...yes, yes, still going to hell. "Nothing like you."
DING DING DING. Alarms went off in my head. "Wha?" Yeah, I was just a fount of articulate speech that day.
"Oh...sorry, didn't know if I was supposed to know or not..."
"No, no, that's not...wait, how do you know?"
"I was at a party earlier in the summer and I saw you and some guy making out...just assumed you were gay...if I'm wrong, lemme know..."
"No, I'm gay...just didn't recall ever telling you, so I was like, `uh...who told him?'" I paused to think for a moment. "So wait, I strike you as gay?"
"Well not so much strike as...well, you do dress a little better than the average guy...and I guess there's other stuff."
"Like?" I was kinda curious...I kinda liked the idea that I didn't really come across gay, but apparently I was still dropping some hints.
"Nothing big...like you always look right at me, like in my eye and most guys don't really do that...oh and you know that one girl in our class? The only hot one?"
I had to think a minute. "Oh right...blonde...big rack...her?"
"That's her. Have you noticed she always sits next to you?"
Thought another minute. "Nope."
"I think she likes you...or probably sits next to you `cause you're more in her league and not one of the uber geeks." I don't think I could have looked any more bewildered because Greg started laughing after he saw my expression. "HA! I can't believe you never noticed."
"I guess I only really pay attention to people with dicks, heh."
"Haha...yeah that makes sense. So is there anyone in our class that you pay attention to then?"
"Not really...you're probably the only one I even talk to and seriously, most of those people creep me out."
"Hehe, yeah I know. Well, glad I don't creep you out then." Greg had gotten a bit cuter to me over that conversation...enter the personality factors.
"You'd think that girl would sit next to you instead of me..."
"You didn't seem interested...that's probably why she kept trying. Women are like that."
"Haha. You can have `em."
We talked and studied a while longer before calling it quits for the day. I was really glad I had gotten to know Greg a little better...and he got me thinking more about the college application thing. I still had my heart set on Boston and Harvard, but I was a bit more open to other options after that. Also, I made a note to tell Jase about Rochester since he was on the scholarship kick...it wasn't too far either, so that was a plus. I considered inviting Greg to the little Cape getaway Ryan and I were planning, but I decided it may have been a bit awkward since he would be the odd one out as far as knowing people. Greg said he would be sticking around Boston for a little while after school ended, so we traded contact info and made plans to hang out a bit post-finals. I figured it would never hurt to know people all over the place and he was a nice guy too.
That night was pretty mellow. Jase came over and we spent a quiet evening at the apartment. We were actually both excited about school starting again so we could get back into our routine with each other. His internship was about over, so we decided that after my finals we would start working out a bit for soccer and just to get some more time together. I didn't really feel like bringing up the college subject right then, so I kept it in the back of my mind. The high school counselors and such would be cramming it down our throats as soon as we got back to school anyway, so there wasn't any sense in bringing it up just then.
"What are you thinking about?" Jase asked as we lay on the couch, just cuddling.
"Trying not to think."
"Haha...there's a first."
"Yeah, well I figured I'd take a page from your book."
"Oooo...them be fightin' words."
"Don't think about it too much...don't want to start a fire." Jase decided that tickling me and giving me a hickey would be good enough punishment for mouthing off.
"Not fair," I squeaked out as I was catching my breath.
"You deserved it." Jase shifted around and resumed holding me with his nose nuzzled into my neck. "This year should be good."
"Yeah..." I guess I sounded a bit apprehensive.
"Hey, we don't have to have a big talk or anything tonight...so stop worrying."
I pressed myself a tad more into Jase. "Thanks."
Jase moved his head up and kissed my cheek. "Love you."
"Love you too."
The sun was setting right about then...the room was a nice rosy hue as the last bit of sunshine for the day poured through the windows. You always wish summer would last just a little longer when you're young, but I didn't want that particular moment to end. The puzzle in my head seemed complete...all the pieces in the right places. Still, I knew soon enough, the puzzle would have to go back into the box for another day...and all the pieces would be in a chaotic mess again.