This work contains elements of sexuality between teenagers and includes homosexuality in prevalence. Please exercise proper discretion. Do not read this if it is illegal for you to do so or if the subject matter will potentially offend you. The author assumes no responsibility for misuse or misconduct associated with the dissemination or viewing of this work. Any characters, representations or events should be assumed to be purely fictional with any possible resemblance to the real world being entirely coincidental or otherwise such that it may be treated as innocuous. This work is copyrighted by the author, who retains all rights and priviledges. This work should not be reproduced without the written consent of the author. Please direct all feedback and comments to kanseiji@gmail.com. Thanks for reading.
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"From Where I Stand" by Kanseiji
Chapter Twenty One - One Step at a Time
Author's Notes: hehe...sorry I just dropped off the radar there. life has been tossing me around like a rag doll lately. however, I just got back from vacation and I managed to relax, get away from work and clear my writer's block enough to squeeze this out. not much left of this story, so I'll do my best to wrap up and move on to the next story as promised. enjoy...please?
When you get older, you start to realize that a lot of things that happened to you in high school are a bit insignificant and often times, just plain stupid. On the other hand, if American teenagers had the kind of foresight required to realize that, then they would probably be a pretty terrifying bunch...and personally I like high schoolers a little on the naïve side so I can feel a bit wiser. A bit pathetic, but it's true. In any case, when a for all intents and purposes closeted gay teenager is threatened with someone outing them at school...let's just say neurotic doesn't quite cover the reaction.
Somehow I managed to fall asleep that night after receiving the rather disturbing email. The glimmering hope in my mind that maybe the whole thing was just a dream was promptly crushed however the following morning when I practically bolted to my computer from bed to see if the email was still there...and it was.
"Great...now what?" I said aloud...neurotic people don't care if no one is listening.
After doing a good amount of just pacing back and forth in my room whilst vainly attempting to rip my own hair out, I headed over to the bathroom to blast my head into some form of clarity with hot water. The shower did help, but I was still a bit clueless about what to do...it was 10 in the morning, so I just called Jase. I was praying...yeah it's a bad sign when I pray...that he wouldn't be mad at me. I was holding my breath as the phone rang until he picked up.
"Morning babe!"
"Jase..."
"Uh oh...that's the bad news tone...what's up?" I admit I did cheer up a little from the fact that he knew me that well.
"Jase, I got an email last night...and it's kinda bad."
"Ok...who's it from?"
"I don't know."
"Uh...ok...what's it say?"
"Basically, someone knows I'm gay from school and it strongly implies that the person is going to out me or something..." I was cringing as I told Jase about it.
"Aww babe..." Whew...the 1.5 seconds it took to get a response probably shaved a couple years off my life. "Just calm down...maybe it's just a prank."
"It sounds a bit too suggestive to just be a prank and I can't trace back the address."
"Well, it's not the end of the world."
"It's not?"
"Babe, I know we didn't want to come out at school, but it's our senior year and we aren't exactly the type of guys that are gonna get picked on...I mean we're both athletes and you fucking tutor every macho idiot in the school. Seriously, who would want to get on your bad side? Hell, I'm scared of you when you get mad, haha."
"Heh...yeah I guess you're right. I just dunno...this thing sounds a bit malicious."
"What's it say exactly?" I read it verbatim to Jase. "Hmm...yeah I guess that is a bit malicious-sounding. Still, I don't think you have anything to worry about."
"Actually it's not just me that I'm worried about...in fact I think I wouldn't really be worrying if it was just me."
"Babe, I'll be fine too. We both will."
"What about Adam? He's pretty touchy about this."
"Well he's in good company. If anyone wants to mess with any of us, they'll have a hell of time doing it. I mean Eric and Paul will fuck up anyone that even looks at me weird, haha. Oh and if anyone lays a finger on you, Justin and I will be fighting over who gets to kick an ass."
"Hehe...thanks babe. I just don't like this...I guess I got used to feeling safe over the summer up here."
"Well, times are a bit different now and luckily we live in the one state that gay marriage is legal, right? Haha. Besides, there are other out gay guys at school and no one really gives them too much trouble...maybe a dirty look and a `fag' here and there, but that's just like anywhere else really."
"I suppose so...but I know you didn't want to be associated with them at all."
"And none of us will...short of all of us picking up lisps and contracting Weak Wrist Syndrome." Yeah...I still hold that in a lot of respects, gay guys are the biggest discriminating bigots of all, me and Jase included.
"Haha...I guess I am freaking out a bit much over nothing huh?"
"Well it's not nothing, but we'll all be fine. Shit like this just happens sometimes. Hey, do you want me to come up right now? I can probably be there in like an hour."
"If you don't have anything better to do."
"Hehe, well I can think of a lot of things to do, but they all involve you and a bed."
"Haha, sounds like a plan to me."
"So see you in about an hour. Love you."
"Love you too."
Every once in a while, the whole intelligent design thing makes sense...cause Jase was too good to be random. He did the trick though...I was feeling much more at ease and managed to focus a bit on packing up to move back home. I did make a note to let Adam and Justin know about the email so there wouldn't be any surprises...and I also wanted to make sure Adam didn't freak out. I was just about to take a break from packing when I got a call from my mom.
"Hi mom."
"Hi honey, how was the Cape?"
"It was great mom, everyone had a blast."
"That's good. So are you getting ready to move back to the house?"
"Yeah I'm packing right now. So how's the trip going?"
"Fine. I'll be home tomorrow night and I won't be anywhere until after your school starts."
"Good. Oh mom, I wanted to talk to you about something."
"What is it?"
"I don't know if you've talked to Justin's parents lately, but they decided to move to Hartford."
"Oh really? That's too bad. When is this?"
"They're not sure yet."
"Oh well, I'll be sure to go over and talk to them when I get back in town."
"Yeah about that mom...I was wondering if it would be alright with you if...um...Justin stayed with us for the school year?"
"Chris..."
I kinda cut off my mom. "Mom, it's his senior year and they're not even sure when they'll be moving, so leaving in the middle of school right when he should be applying to college and stuff is a really bad idea and he practically lives with us already and we can take care of ourselves well enough and he does laundry more than I do and..."
"CHRIS! It's fine with me. I'll talk to his parents about it when I get back."
"Really?"
"Dear, Justin is practically family. Besides, I'm sure no one wants the two of you miserable for the whole year before you go to college."
"Thanks mom, you're the best."
"And don't you forget it."
Well that turned out easier than I thought it would...although she still had to get the go ahead from Justin's parents. In any case, it put my mind a bit more at ease. By the time Jase got there, I was feeling pretty much normal again and we got to spend a bit more quality time together. However, there had to be at least one mood breaker and Jase decided to take it.
We were happily making out on my bed when Jase broke off, look me in the eye and said, "Um...babe...we should talk about something."
"Oh boy..." We sat up and he faced me.
"Chris...we need to have that college talk."
"Jase..."
"Just hear me out, ok?"
"Ok..."
"I know school hasn't started and everything and it's still early, but we need to start planning some stuff out."
"Such as?"
"Well...I didn't tell you, but I took the SAT again."
"Wha?"
"Yeah...there was an available slot so I took it...and I got the scores."
"And?" Jase pulled a piece of paper out of his bag and handed it to me. I opened it and read it...if my eyes went any wider, the eyeballs would have fallen out...he got a perfect score. "Jase...this...wow..." I just reached over and hugged him as he chuckled. "I knew you could do it."
"Hehe, yeah...well I had the scores sent to a few places I had been checking out and one of them already sent me a package of stuff since they got my scores before I did."
"Which school?"
"Uh, the University of Rochester."
"Oh woah...small world."
"Huh?"
"Someone I met at Harvard suggested it...they have a bunch of merit scholarships."
"Yeah...they do." Jase pulled out another piece of paper...on a full-tuition plus some extras scholarship to Rochester.
"Holy...you know, I was going to tell you about this."
"Haha, beat you to it."
I sighed a little. "Do you think you'll like it?
"Not sure...gonna try to go and visit."
"Oh, cool."
"So...you're not upset right?"
"No...just...I guess it could be worse. You could be going to school off in Hawaii or something."
"Well there's an idea..."
I punched Jase lightly on the arm. "So not funny."
"Haha, ok ok. Um, do you think you'd apply here too? Y'know, just in case as like a backup school."
"Heh, sure, why not? It would be a good consolation prize...get to go to school with you if I don't get into Harvard."
"You'll get in."
"Why do people keep saying that?"
"Cause it's true. Speaking of which, do you even know what you want to study?"
"Eh, maybe? Right now it's a toss up between biochemistry and chemistry."
"Heh, you and your chemistry."
"Why not go after what you're good at? So, how bout you?"
"I'm thinking political science and math."
"Hehe."
"What are you laughing at?"
"Sick of science huh?"
"Very...if I have to study for another chemistry test, just shoot me."
"Haha." I paused a bit in the midst of the lightened mood. "So that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be..."
"Heh...hey, we'll be ok, no matter what." Jase scooted up behind me and I leaned back into him. "It's not like we'll never see each other even if we're at different schools."
"Yeah I know...maybe I should think about going somewhere else for school too."
"Um...why?"
"I dunno...maybe I'm trying to stay too much in my comfort zone by going to school here."
"You'll have plenty of time to get out into the world. Besides, there's nothing wrong with going to school near home. It's not like you'll be living at home or anything."
"Yeah I know...but still, it may be worth it to try something new."
"Well...just apply all over and then go from there."
"Gah...applications suck."
"Haha, yeah I know. Well, we got some time."
"True enough...speaking of which, weren't we in the middle of something?" Jase's eyebrow cocked at me...figuratively speaking of course.
"I like this line of thinking..."
The move home that week was rather uneventful. I was just glad that I didn't lose or break anything...that I know of at least. The move did set off some dread in me though. It was one step closer to school starting, one step closer to everyone going off to college...oh yeah, and the inevitable drama show about someone finding out I was gay.
I had given Adam the heads up on it...he got a bit scared, but calmed down after a bit. He was just glad that he had people around him that he didn't have to keep that particular secret from. The school wasn't the most closed minded place in the world, but we knew it could still stir up a bit of trouble. We all decided to be as discreet as possible...we were going to be out of there soon enough, so the worries weren't especially high.
Justin and Becks took the news a little rough...in that they both wanted to castrate whoever sent the message. I felt so loved, haha. Adam and I managed to cool their heads before they started a manhunt. The truth of the matter was that our little "gay group" wasn't the kind to mess with...now, being popular in high school isn't important in the long run, but having popular friends is very helpful in keeping you from being picked on or otherwise marginalized. For that, I was very thankful.
"So what did they say?!" I blurted out anxiously as Justin walked in the door. My mom had a talk with his parents about possible living situations and such, but that was the night the decisions were to be made and I was nervous.
"Woah, calm down Ace."
":J, spill, now."
"Haha...well, they said yes," Justin said, smiling widely.
"Really?!"
"Yep...but there are conditions."
Uh oh. "Um, like what?"
"Well, they acknowledged it would be a bad idea to pull me out of school while doing the college app stuff, so they want me to apply early. Oh, and I have to keep my grades up, stay out of trouble, etc. If I don't keep up, I'll move for the second semester."
"Oh, well then. Guess it's a good thing you'll be living with your math and science tutor."
"Haha, yeah."
"So what about Scotty?"
"Well it turns out he hates his school now and doesn't mind moving. I think he had a fight or something with some of his friends."
"Oh...well that simplifies things."
"Yeah, haha. Oh and there's one more thing..."
"What's that?"
"I'm supposed to listen to your mom and...listen to you in her absence."
"HAHA!! Oh this could be fun..." Justin just rolled his eyes at me.
"I knew I should have kept that part to myself." I shook my head and practically leaped at Justin, hugging him tightly.
"Glad you're staying, J."
"Hehe, me too."
Justin staying definitely put my mind at ease. Call me clingy, but I think I would have lost it if he had left right then. Justin informed the general group when we all got together for an end of the summer party care of Becks. When everyone was informed, general happiness ensued. Andy even jokingly accused Justin of making it up to get a going away party, which got a decent laugh from everybody. But, true to form, I had, albeit indirectly, managed to spoil the moment a little
"Oh," Andy said to me. "Um, I kinda heard about something and I thought I should let you know."
"Um, ok? What is it?"
"I think someone at school knows you're gay."
DING! "Uh, Andy...who is it?" This peaked Justin's interest as well, as he was standing nearby.
Andy kinda nervously looked at me and Justin before saying, "Katie."
I made some unintelligible noise in the midst of my shock. "Wha?"
Of course, my confusion was interrupted when Justin muttered next to me, "That bitch..." I looked over at him and got scared for a moment...he was pissed. Justin had his fists balled up, every vein on him was jutting out and he had a practically murderous look in his eyes.
"J, calm down..." Well, I tried.
Justin looked at me and said, "I'm gonna kill her."
"JUSTIN!" He snapped out of his rage momentarily when I yelled. After getting a few off looks from various people at the party...good thing teenagers have a short attention span...I continued, "You will do no such thing. You're not gonna get shipped off to Hartford because of that girl, ok?" After huffing and puffing and trying to blow a house down, Justin managed to calm down. It was a pool party, so he decided to cool off with a swim. Andy stood by me with a shocked look on his face.
"I don't think I've ever seen him that mad," Andy remarked.
"Me neither."
"Think he'll do something stupid?"
"I hope not. So wait a minute, do you know how she found out?"
"Well, one of my friends heard her talking about it to her little posse. She said something about figuring it out' and that it made sense' or something."
"So she didn't mention anyone else?"
"I guess not. My friend said she sounded pretty focused on you."
"Well, isn't that flattering?"
"Haha. Um, dude, I got your back if you need it, ok?"
I smiled warmly at that. "Thanks Andy."
"Welcome. Although, I think Just seems to have that covered."
"Yeah well, I'd rather not have him commit any homicides. Besides, if it's just me, then I don't care as much. If she's singling me out, it's gonna have a lot less credence given that everyone knows she hates me."
"This is true...and hey, this may get some of the other gay guys at school to hit on you."
I groaned loudly. "Don't make me sick."
"Haha. You crack me up."
"Heh, aim to please."
Before I knew it, school had started again and all too soon. Summer school really cuts into your summer vacation...go figure. I felt lucky to have a light course load so I wasn't pulling my hair out through senior year. Because of getting ahead in a few subjects, I had managed to squeeze in two study hall periods again so I could break up the monotony of the day a bit.
Now, I knew ahead of time that Katie would probably do her best to make my life miserable with her little "revelation," but I thought she would at least have the tact to wait until after the first day back to start a war...I still think God has a good laugh every time he manages to trick me into thinking like that. Seniors got to eat lunch outside or off campus, so the hall restrictions were loosened. I was taking a minute to get things organized in my locker before heading to lunch when I heard the clocking of high heels walking toward me. In my gut, I knew who it was and I just sighed before turning around. And there she was, the queen bitch herself, staring at me with an evil grin...gah, women.
"Well hello Katherine, what can I do for you?" Yeah, I'll be sarcastic until I die.
"Heh, I should have known all along." I knew what she was talking about, but I decided to fuck around. I gave her a quick look over...she was wearing a rather disgusting combination of a green tube top and brown miniskirt.
"Aww, I know...but don't blame yourself. I guess someone should have told you before that this," I said, pointing to her clothes, "was just a giant fiasco." I smiled as she got pissed.
"You really are a fag, huh?" Her voice was dripping with venom, but I ignored it and kept light.
"Please, a blind man could put together a better outfit."
"Shut it, faggot." For some reason, she wasn't really bothering me that much...I guess she needed some work on being imposing. "Before tomorrow, everyone is gonna know about you...and it's all your fault."
That peaked my curiosity. "What's my fault?"
"Don't play innocent with me. You made my boyfriend break up with me. Are you two still fucking each other or have you moved on to corrupt someone else?" Just then, the thoughts in my brain came together like the perfect Tetris game...yeah, yeah, giant nerd, get over it.
"Wow..." I was a bit amazed. "You think Justin and I are together?"
"Don't bother denying it."
I just shook my head and laughed. "You couldn't be further off. You should go say hi to Justin some time...and go meet his girlfriend."
Katie's eyes shot open. "WHAT?!"
"Oh no one told you? Wow...it's been a while too. Well, just for the record, Justin and I were never together and never will be, disappointing as that is..." That was kinda the truth, but it probably just sounded like I was mocking her...which I was.
"You fucking fag!"
"Y'know, I never quite realized how limited your vocabulary was...I guess you could try hooked on phonics or whatever."
"AAH!!" At that point she just stormed off, leaving me at my locker rolling my eyes at her.
"Well that went better than I thought it would," I said quietly to myself as I went back to rummaging in my locker.
"What did?" I was a bit startled and turned around quickly to find Adam looking at me curiously.
"God...you scared me," I said, catching my breath.
"Hehe, sorry to sneak up on you...was just wondering what was taking you so long."
"Well I just had a little run in with Katie..."
Adam's eyes widened as the realization hit him. "What happened?!" he asked, a bit exasperated.
"Well as it turns out, she thinks Justin and I are together." Adam's face was blank for a moment...and then he busted out laughing.
"HA! You've gotta be kidding me...that's why she thinks you're gay??!"
"Yep."
"So what'd you tell her?"
"The truth." Adam just stared at me with a distinct "what the fuck" face. "I told her Justin and I have never been and will never be together...oh and also let her know that he has a girlfriend. Apparently she didn't know. I could have sworn she was connected enough to get that sort of gossip," I said, shrugging.
"Haha...she didn't even know Justin and Becks are together? This is nuts...think she still thinks you're gay?"
"She's probably rethinking it a bit...at least she doesn't know about anyone else." At that point, Adam's face turned concerned. "Hey," I started as I reached out and grabbed his shoulder with a slight squeeze. "I'll be fine...that bitch can bark all she wants about me. Given the history, probably no one will care anyway." I shut my locker and I started walking with Adam toward the picnic tables outside where the other seniors were eating.
"I hope so...at least this shit will be over with soon enough, one way or another."
"Yeah no kidding."
"Oh hey, are you done with your college apps?"
"Pretty much...I actually gave the recommendation forms to all the teachers and all already."
"So are you gonna do early action for Harvard?"
"That's the plan I think...I'm still debating whether I should retake the SAT or not."
"I guess you could if you want...I can't seem to get a perfect on it no matter how many times I take it."
"How close?"
"20 points."
"Heh, beat me...30."
"Haha. Well, I don't think you really need to...but you have a little time."
"Yeah I guess so."
"So um...where is Jase applying?" I sensed that he was a bit tentative about asking that question...I wasn't exactly sure why at that moment.
"Uh, I think he's gunning for U of Rochester...apparently he's got a good shot for a full ride there."
"Oh...cool. Isn't that like in upstate NY?"
"Yep..." I think I got a little visibly bummed at that thought.
"Sorry...didn't mean to bum you out." Adam and I were pretty much on the same wavelength.
"Nah, it's ok...we talked about all this already. Besides, it's not happening tomorrow or anything."
A minute later, we were having lunch and enjoying the nice weather outside. I filled in Justin and Jase about the Katie situation...and they both got some good laughs out of it. Justin was still visibly pissed about the entire thing, but was overall glad that Katie was just making stupid assumptions instead of working off something real and tangible.
The pace of school picked up pretty quickly in the following weeks as everyone got back into their routines and such. The Katie situation practically evaporated...thankfully...and she turned a bit more to being a bitch to Becks rather than me. Of course, Becks couldn't be bothered to give a shit about Katie...in fact I think she and Justin got a kick out of acting disgustingly mushy together whenever Katie would bug them.
Soccer also started back up and I took it as just another opportunity to be around Jase more...and vice versa. Oh and for a bit of a shocker, the coach decided that Eric was captain that year. I mean he was a great player and all, but he slacked off during practice...guess that didn't matter. It was nice though...Eric would subtly get me, Jase and Paul out of doing menial shit when the coach wasn't paying much attention, so Eric being captain definitely had perks. He also generally didn't bust any seniors' asses about much since he felt that we should be enjoying our last year of high school instead of killing ourselves over soccer...hallelujah for that.
I had actually been looking forward to starting soccer again just so I could get a consistent workout in without having to do it on my own. Sometimes not having to plan it out and think about it made it less stressful. I had lost a bit of weight over the summer...unfortunately, the lost weight was mostly muscle since I wasn't working out as consistently, grrr. By the time school started, I definitely wanted to be able to look in the mirror without noticing how much smaller I looked and I wanted back the "snug" fit with my clothes.
Oh...and Justin moved in, hehe. Justin's parents actually told me just before they moved that the let Justin stay mainly because I was the "responsible one" between the two of us...go figure. In any case, they felt he was in good hands and not far enough away to be a big deal. It wasn't a big change given how much time he was at my house anyway...if anything the biggest change was him having his own room in the house. Actually, the first few nights that Justin was "living" at my house, he almost unconsciously went to my room instead of his own. It was nice having him around more though. Also since school had started, I wasn't spending the night with Jase as often as I would have liked since he would be at home...similarly with Justin and Becks...so Justin and I kept each other company.
One night I was just sitting in my room, half studying and half debating whether it would be worth it to retake the SAT...yeah, yeah, stupid perfectionist syndrome...Justin popped in with a big bowl of something in his hands, happily munching away. I must have been staring at him because he paused from eating.
"Um...Ace? You ok?" The message was sorta garbled from food in Justin's mouth, but mostly intelligible.
"Uh, yeah...I just...did you make that?" I was pretty sure that there weren't any leftovers in the frig, but there he was eating what looked like some pasta.
"Huh?" Justin looked down briefly at the food. "Oh yeah, there wasn't anything really made already and I didn't want to bug you."
"Wow..."
"What?" he asked, a bit confused.
"Well...I think you've actually started to feed yourself more since you moved in, haha."
He had to think about that one for a minute. "Hmm...I guess you're right. Hehe. It's not as good as your food though...so don't think you can stop cooking."
"Heh, wouldn't dream of it."
"So," Justin began as he moved over to the bed where I was half studying, "whatcha doing?"
I looked down at the books and papers in front of me and responded, "trying to figure out whether I should take the SAT again."
"Uh...didn't you get a really good score last time?"
"Still not perfect."
Justin scooted up a little closer to me. "Still worried about college and stuff?"
"Yeah I guess so...just don't want to take any chances."
"Well then you can just retake it...guess it can't hurt, right?"
"Probably not." I sighed and resumed staring at the stuff on my bed.
"So...why do I get the feeling that the test isn't what's really bothering you?" Justin was looking at me with his soul-piercing gaze. I basically just had to look back at him so that he could figure out what was up with me. "Oh...Jase stuff."
"Y'know, next week is our one year."
"Wow...really?"
"Yeah...doesn't really seem like that long."
"Yeah no kidding...it still feels like not too long ago that I was twisting your arm over even having out with him, haha."
"Heh...glad you did though," I half whispered, smiling at Justin.
"Aw...you're not gonna go all sentimental on me and cry are you?" Justin said, jokingly, as he moved around behind me a little and hugged me.
"Ha...not on your life." I leaned back into his embrace and just tried to relax. So many things were running around in my head at that moment and I just needed to get away from some of it...if only for a moment.
"It'll all work out ok, Ace."
"I hope so."