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"From Where I Stand" by Kanseiji
Chapter Twenty Three - The Fall
All around me are familiar faces Worn out places Worn out faces Bright and early for the daily races Going no where Going no where
Humans are curious creatures...and it may be slightly presumptuous to be making that statement since the last time I checked, I was human...but bear with me. One would think that prior knowledge and preparation would be sufficient to make someone accept what's coming. You can even think that you can handle what's coming...until you get there and you find yourself in utter disbelief. I suppose that's why feelings are usually defined as irrational...things would be a lot easier if they were governed by reason.
It's an unfortunate fact of living in the northeast that fair weather doesn't stick around for long. One day there'll be sunny skies and warm breezes and the next...cold, constant and torrential rain. On the other hand, I hated hot weather, so I guess we should take what we can get. Life was kind enough to me I suppose. My special day with Jase went off perfectly, so I guess it's only fair that things went a bit downhill from there.
As the days...well, let's say the amount of sunlight...shortened, my schedule picked up, as if to take in the slack. The course load was light, but I still had plenty to do. One big overarching theme was making sure everything was going through for college. I got nervous one night and prepared application materials for about 10 schools...just in case. A few of my teachers laughed when they saw the stack of forms I was handing out for recommendations and such...they could laugh all they wanted since it wasn't their future on the line.
The attack of nerves, however, came AFTER I already sent in all my application materials to...dun dun dun...Harvard. I applied for early action, so I made sure I got everything done a good deal ahead of time for that one. Unfortunately for my sanity, applying early just made me worry more. It wasn't anywhere near decision time and I was already nervously checking the mail and online status of my application. I'm pretty sure I cried hallelujah when the online system said they had everything...good thing I was alone at home at the time.
Jase, Adam and I made a deal not to talk about college applications unless we needed help with something...a.k.a. no nervous chatting. With Adam and me gunning for Harvard and Jase shooting for a full ride somewhere, we were all mental wrecks. On a weekend, we all grabbed lunch in the city with Ryan and CJ...Ryan asked about college applications once. After he saw the reactions we had, he opted to withdraw the question. He also told Jase to keep me off coffee for a few months...I don't care what he said, my hands were NOT shaking...honestly...seriously...ok, maybe just a little.
Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression No expression Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow No tomorrow No tomorrow
That fall was slightly depressing for me...while I didn't have a killer workload, most of my friends did. Jase especially had a lot going on, so I didn't see him nearly as much as I wanted to...we made a point to spend time together on a regular basis, but having a lot of random, spur of the moment get-togethers was pretty much out of the question.
Adam was probably the only one who wasn't seriously loaded down. We were both a bit ahead of the game because of taking things early, summer school and the like. Adam found himself in a similarly down state of mind, so we just wallowed in sorrow together...ok, so we weren't really wallowing, but I missed my boyfriend.
On one particular Wednesday evening, I was bored out of my mind sitting at home. Wednesdays were kinda my "off days" since I had one class of any consequence, a short practice, nothing due the rest of the week and I didn't have to tutor that day...and they happened to be the days that Jase, Justin and seemingly everyone else had like 10 things to do. I was absentmindedly surfing the internet when I got an IM from Adam.
Adamonymous42: please tell me you aren't as bored as i am
Kanseiji: i'll lie if you want
Adamonymous42: haha, wanna go catch a movie then? unless you have shit to do
Kanseiji: not a thing, let's go before i start cooking or something
Adamonymous42: hmmm...movie...food...movie...food...tough call
Kanseiji: AHEM
Adamonymous42: haha, ok let's go, you can cook for me later:-P
Kanseiji: haha, meet you at the T?
Adamonymous42: yep, be there in like 10
I was so glad that Adam IM'ed...the last Wednesday I didn't have anything to do and ended up cooking...enough for more than a week. My mom opened the refrigerator that night and almost had a stroke. The thing was practically overflowing with containers of food...I even labeled them...yeah, THAT bored. On the other hand, I didn't have to spend much effort for food for a while.
I primped up a bit...which took like five minutes, hehe...and headed out the door. It was still light outside, but it was raining lightly, so I ducked back inside to grab an umbrella. After dodging a dozen puddles, I slid into the T station, a little damp on the edges. As I was about to set foot on the platform, I felt tap on the shoulder. I turned to look, but saw no one...then my other shoulder got tapped and there was Adam, grinning.
"Hey slowpoke," he greeted me.
"Trackies...always gotta run everywhere."
"Haha, you bet. So anything you wanna see?"
"You're asking the wrong guy...Justin usually uses me as a reference on what movies were playing six months prior."
"Hehe, ok then...we'll just take a look when we get there. Feel like going to the Park Street one?"
"Sure, I haven't been there in a while...ah shit," I let out as I felt my back pocket. "I forgot my wallet."
"Eh, don't worry, I got ya covered," Adam said, grabbing my arm as I started to turn toward the exit so I could go get my wallet.
"You sure?"
"Yeah don't worry about it. I still owe you for coffee a few weeks ago."
"Heh, I forgot about that...my Starbucks bill is too big to notice little things like that, haha."
"I know...wait, you haven't been binging have you?" Adam asked as he gave me an interrogative look.
"Haha, no I haven't been binging...I've only had like five cups of coffee this week."
Adam rolled his eyes and said, "It's Wednesday."
"And usually I've had about 15 cups by this point...I'm cutting down."
"Heh, whatever you say..."
The train pulled up a few moments later and we grabbed some seats for the ride. It was a tad crowded, but Adam and I managed to get seats next to each other...if a little squeezed. Now it was extremely difficult for me to remain conscious on any kind of moving vehicle...they rock me to sleep...so not to long after we sat down, I was dozing off. I almost hit my head as I nodded off. Adam chuckled at me and then did something I didn't quite expect...he put his arm around me, guided my head gently to his shoulder and told me he'd wake me up when we got there.
I turned to him and whispered, "Um, Adam, you sure about this?" Adam was always the most tentative about giving any indication that he was gay...and while it wasn't like we were making out on the train, but it wasn't a normal straight guy thing to do.
Adam just whispered back to me, "It's you, don't worry about it."
I wasn't exactly in the state of mind to argue as I was already nodding off again. I smiled at the gesture and proceeded to fall asleep on Adam's shoulder. During the ride, I surfaced a bit toward consciousness a few times...I wasn't too sure at the time, but I thought I felt something playing with my hair a bit, but it was more soothing than bothersome, so I just fell back asleep each time.
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very very Mad world Mad world
When we got the theatre, Adam and I found a mutually agreeable movie, which luckily wasn't too crowded. We found a nice set of center seats and settled in...I found myself leaning on Adam's shoulder again as he lightly laid his head on mine. I had a few guilty thoughts...on a glance, it would have looked like we were "together," but I shrugged it off as something innocuous enough. After all, Justin and I did that a lot too...of course Justin wasn't gay, so I felt noticeably guiltier about being like that with Adam.
At that point, I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about Adam. About all that I knew was that I felt perfectly comfortable with him and very much enjoyed being around him. My relationship with him getting very close, but unlike my other really close relationships, I felt more like he was a kindred spirit. With Justin and Jase, I felt like they were stronger...as far as relationship dynamics went. They were both more outgoing, extroverted and...I guess I felt like they looked after me a lot. I know neither of them would have ever intended it, but I suppose I felt slightly inferior to them in a lot of ways...maybe like I was undeserving of them. With Adam, however, I felt more like we were on even ground...like we were equals. It wasn't to say that Adam wasn't as good as Jase or Justin...that definitely wasn't the case. There was just something about the way we interacted that made me feel worth it...without having to have the idea shoved down my throat.
The movie kinda hit a slow spot and I started glancing around. A few people were sleeping in the theatre...and it took a few moments to realize that Adam was one of them. His breathing was slow and deep as he snoozed through the boring part of the movie. I couldn't help but smile...it was way too cute. My head was still between his head and his shoulder, so I tried to suffer through the movie as I didn't have the heart to wake him up.
Adam woke up along with the action in the movie. He lifted his head off of mine and stretched his neck out a bit. I found myself staring at him...the bright light of the movie screen framed him pretty well. I guess I didn't really notice until right then that he had cut his hair a bit shorter than what was normal for him. It wasn't quite a buzz cut, but pretty close. His roots were darker than the rest of his hair normally, so at the moment he looked like a brunette rather than the usually dirty blond, especially with the little bit of gel he had in it. It was definitely a good look on him. Adam was very much like the cute boy next door, especially when his hair was longer and showing off some its curliness, but right then, he looked different. I found myself analyzing his entire appearance. As a testament to how oblivious I was on occasion, I realized Adam looked very different than he did when we met. It occurred to me that he had started to dress a bit differently over the course of the summer and fall. Before he would dress pretty casually and modest...he looked cute. But he had been slowly transitioning...at that point he was definitely within the bounds of...well, hot. He was wearing a jacket on the way to the theatre, but he had taken it off when we sat down. The jacket had been concealing a slim fitting graphic t-shirt that seemed to follow the lines of his muscles as it hugged his torso...his nicely defined arms were just snuggly fitting through the sleeves. He was also wearing a good looking pair of jeans that did a little to show off his strong legs. Along with the haircut, Adam just looked...sexy.
Luckily for me, Adam didn't really notice me checking him out so thoroughly. I did however, smack myself mentally more than once for ogling over him so much. I really hadn't known him that long, but right then, he was very much like an old friend. We had sort of fallen into a nice comfort zone with each other and I guess it didn't occur to me that often how blatantly attractive he was to me. Jase not being as readily available may have had something to do with me picking up on Adam more right at that moment, but that didn't register in my mind in a timely fashion.
Before I knew it, the movie had ended and I had to avert my gaze as Adam turned his attention to me.
"Well, that was...ok I guess," Adam remarked about the movie.
"Haha, yeah. Enjoy your nap?"
"Hehe, yeah it was nice. That one part was just so boring."
"It was. So, hungry?"
"Yes! I was hoping I could work you for food tonight, haha."
"Haha. Well let's get going then."
Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday Happy birthday And I feel the way that every child should Sit and listen Sit and listen
For everyone's information, nothing happened between Adam and me that night. I did compliment him on his appearance, but that's about it. I was very much intent on never hurting Jase again and that was more than enough to restrain any urges...not that I didn't enjoy the view. We did make a point to hang out with each other on those boring Wednesdays and as the weeks went by, it became a nearly invariable part of our routines. Seeing Adam always managed to bring a smile to my face.
Went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me No one new me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Look right through me Look right through me
Flash...December. I may as well have just blinked...it felt that fast. I had done my best to relax and stave off anticipation...but that went up in smoke as the Christmas tree went up on the Boston Common. December meant a lot of things, especially that one. The semester was coming to a close...winter was beginning...and Harvard's notification date was approaching. It didn't really take much perceptive skill to see that I was nervous.
Then of course, there was the other countdown...the countdown to being single. More and more often, I found myself just sitting somewhere, staring at the ring on my finger. I believed Jase...I believed it when he said he'd always love me. I knew in my own heart that I'd always love him too...but all the assurances in the world didn't change the fact that we wouldn't be together by the same time the next year. No matter what the future holds, possibilities never quite measure up to what you hold dear in the here and now. The idea that things would change was absolutely terrifying.
Jase and I didn't talk about it much. He was quite determined to make the most of the time we had and I had no reason to argue. Some nights...especially when we were both exhausted...we would just sit together, not saying a word. He would idly trace paths on my hands with his fingers as I listened to him breathe...it felt like every nuance was a precious moment. I also liked to listen to his breathing. It was a rhythm to me...too often it was as if I had lost track of my own breathing. Listening to his set my pace. I depended on him...he was steady for me.
More than a couple times, I considered giving Juliana a call. Once I got as far as picking up the phone and dialing...I hung up just before it connected and started ringing. One of the consequences of having a stable life when you have a lot of mental issues is that things tend to fall apart when the stability goes away. There was no doubt in my mind that I was a stronger person than I had been in the past, but I struggled with whether that I was strong enough to deal with what was coming. I tried to tell myself that I could handle it...I was relieved when I didn't hear an answer in my head. It was usually trouble when someone else was talking up there besides me.
"Are you sure you wanna wait here with me J?" Justin and I were sitting on the curb in front of the house. The mailman hadn't passed by yet and I was anxiously waiting for the mail.
"Heh, if I don't wait here with you, you'll probably have a heart attack."
"You think being here is really gonna prevent that?"
"No, but at least I'll be around to call 911 for you."
"Heh, good point." The minutes passed by excruciatingly slow for me. I had started tapping my foot on the ground as I waited...it wasn't long before the modest pace of the tapping accelerated to the point where my leg couldn't physically tap any faster.
"Ace, calm down." Justin scooted a bit closer to me and put his arm on my knee to stop the tapping. "You're gonna leave a pothole."
"Cheap asphalt..."
"Haha, well it'd have to be something pretty special to stand up to your foot."
"Heh...god, where the hell is the mail..."
"It'll get here."
"I think I'm gonna have an aneurism." Justin responded by pulling out his cell phone, ready to dial. Thankfully, it didn't come to that. Within a few minutes, Justin had a stack of mail in his hands. He actually had to get it because I froze as soon as I saw the mailman.
"Um, Chris...why are your eyes closed?"
"I'm too scared to look."
"You don't even know if it's here or not."
"Is it?"
"Open your eyes." I did so reluctantly.
The stack of mail in Justin's hands wasn't too big...which was immediately discouraging since acceptances came in large envelopes and rejections came in small ones. I quickly shuffled through the stack...nothing from Harvard.
"God...I don't think I can take this for much longer," I let out, exasperated.
"Alright, let's get inside...you should probably lie down or something. You're a little red."
As I lay on my bed, I did my utmost to clear my mind of all my worries...which were burning a hole through the fabric of my sanity. My eyes were closed, but I heard someone enter the room and then felt the bed move slightly.
"Here Ace, drink this." I opened my eyes to see Justin holding a cup in front of me. I got up and took a look...it looked like orange juice. I took a sip and it became immediately obvious that it wasn't just orange juice.
"J...this is a screwdriver."
"Yeah well I figured you could use something to calm your nerves a bit."
"Where the hell did you get vodka?" My mom didn't keep much alcohol in the house besides some wine and the little bottles you get on airplanes.
"I keep a bottle in my room. Ya never know when it may come in handy, haha."
I took another sip...it actually helped. "Thanks J."
"No prob. Now try to relax and hopefully you won't need another one of these tomorrow..."
"Don't count on it."
"Heh, well I suppose it's a good use for alcohol."
Justin and I attempted to relax for a while...or rather I attempted and he succeeded. The alcohol slowed the traffic in my brain a tad, but thoughts were still moving around. They were largely in a jumble without any clear direction or meaning. If anything, it was more like a swirling mass of color in my mind.
"How did we get here?" I asked Justin out of the blue.
Justin turned to me, a little surprised. "Get where Ace?"
"I don't know...here." The question well-embodied my thoughts, but those thoughts didn't give much direction to what the question meant.
"Heh, I think I kinda get what you mean."
"Really?"
"Yeah." Justin took a deep breath as we sat on the bed. "Feeling kinda dazed?"
"Yeah...I guess I just didn't see all this coming."
"Well, a little more than a year ago, it was just us basically."
"Yeah."
"Then you went and got yourself some new friends...came out to me...bagged a boyfriend...summer school...you've really come a long way, Ace."
"It feels so weird sitting here after all that...it all feels kinda surreal."
"Yeah...and to think...all that happened...it all came from you deciding to hang out with Jase that one time."
"Heh...you wouldn't think such a little thing would do so much, huh?"
"Nope...but it looks like it had a lot in it."
"You think we'll still be sitting here one day...just being us?"
"Maybe not here...but I have a feeling we're not gonna quit being us any time soon."
"Good." That was the most relaxing thought I could have thought of just then.
And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles it's a very very Mad world
Normally I had no issue with going to sleep. It was one of my favorite pastimes...something that allowed me to embrace portions of my imagination that didn't really have a venue in my waking thoughts. Sleep was also an escape from things that were bothering me. That day was different though. I was more afraid of the next day arriving than dealing with the problems that I had that day. I did about everything I could think of to avoid going to sleep that night. I probably called Jase about three times...he was happy to talk to me, but the last time he started laughing.
"Haha...babe, if you want I can come over. It'd be easier than playing phone tag."
"I'm sorry...I know you're studying."
"Aww, hey I can study over there too."
"No don't worry about it. Ok, I'm gonna try to go to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Hehe, ok. Hey, if you're up early, wanna meet me in the library in the morning?"
"Sounds like a plan. Ok, g'night Jase...love you."
"Love you too. Nite."
Well, I TRIED to go to sleep, but that didn't really happen right away. It was about midnight and I didn't want to disturb Jase anymore, so I just went online. I tried reading the news, edited a few things on Wikipedia...it's amazing how many people go around adding stupid things to what is normally a great resource...and eventually settled into utter boredom. I was about to give up and go to sleep, but I got an IM.
Ryguy104104: what the hell are you doing up man?
Kanseiji: haha, i could ask you the same thing
A moment later, my cell phone rang.
"I'm in college, staying up late comes with the territory," Ryan said as soon as I picked up.
"Heh, guess I have that to look forward to."
"Yep, but for the moment, you should probably be in bed."
"I can't sleep."
"Worried?"
"Am I that transparent?"
"Eh, just been there. Just feel lucky you're applying this year...Harvard is getting rid of early action."
"Yeah I heard...whew, just in time."
"Dude, you'll get in, so just calm down. Don't make me come over there, haha."
"Haha...promises, promises."
"Hehe...anyway, try to get some sleep and we should hang out or something this weekend. Oh and I am gonna be pestering you all the time when you are going here, so get used to it."
I thought it was touching. "Thanks Ry."
"Welcome. Now, g'night Chris."
"Nite Ry."
All those people who are always saying how they're thankful for this, thankful for that...they tend to annoy the @#*&@$!! out of me. In face the entire practice of saying that you're thankful just comes across as empty and cheesy to me...but every once in a while, I find myself being thankful. No matter how much I dress it up, such as by saying that I have nothing to complain about or something on those lines, I do find myself very thankful on occasion...and being surrounded by people that love and care about you is certainly something for which you should be thankful.
Mad world Enlarging your world Mad world
I had a dream that night...one that I remember clearly. It was unusual for me to remember a dream for longer than a few minutes after I woke up, but that dream was different. I saw cloudy skies around me. There was no sound except the blowing of the wind. I looked around...no one was there. I took a step and suddenly, everything stopped. Even I had stopped. All I could do was move my head to look around. I looked beneath me and I saw clouds...as if I was standing on them.
As I stared down at the clouds under me, I saw them start moving. It was slow at first, but their movement quickened until I saw them move away from me...and there was nothing beneath me. I felt like running, but I felt weightless. I looked around me again and I saw...the clouds were slipping away from me. My arms flung out by instinct to try and grab hold...of something. There was just nothing to grab hold of...there was just wind around me. It came to me then...I was falling. For a moment I was petrified, but for some reason, the feeling didn't last. I was deathly afraid of heights, but after a single moment of fear, it passed. I closed my eyes...I could hear the wind rushing past me...I could feel the breeze. It was strangely peaceful to me.
I reached out my arms, as if they were wings to catch the wind. I felt like I was flying, even though I knew I was just falling. I didn't know why, but I wasn't bothered by that. I seemed to fall for an eternity. The feel of the wind grew stronger as I fell, but I was unphased by it. Then, I felt an urge that I couldn't explain. I opened my eyes and looked up...there was a blinding light above me. At that moment, the sound of the wind died away...silence sprung up as I stared into the blinding light.
I reached my hand out, as if to touch the light...and I felt it grab my hand. For the briefest moment, I thought I saw a face in the light...a face I recognized. Then, the light faded...and I felt my hand slip.