This is a continuation of Front Row...I know I said it wouldn't be continued but I lied. This started going in my head and wouldn't leave til I wrote it all down.
This, however, is the end. I mean it this time.
Oh, I guess I lied in the notes for "Different Point of View" too...this is officially the happiest ending I have ever written...Gene and Kev...see what you made me do ;-)
Standard disclaimers apply. This is not meant to imply anything about member of the Backstreet Boys.
All my thanks go out to my little family of sorts. Gene.....remember...always. Ashley...thanks for being the other half of my brain. Kevin....I am so thankful that I got to know you. You are a sweetheart.
<...> are Kevin's thoughts.
Please send any comments to eriker@earthlink.net
Thanks for reading Eriker ******************************************************
I can't belong and I won't be free If I fail to bring your lovin' back to me So I'm pressin' on I hope you understand There's a broken heart that lies inside your hands
So if I could change And it won't hurt your pride Baby you can help me stop these tears that I cry
Don't stop The sun from shining down on me `Cause I can't face another day without your smile And if you take away the loving arms that surround me Then I might break down and cry just like a child
Front Row 4 by Eriker
2-15-02 (or six months later)
<Can I handle life alone? Yeah, sure I can. We were a band as long as we chose to be...and now we have chosen not to be...can I handle life alone again? Fuck......> Kevin's brain wouldn't let him rest. AJ made some good points, but this had to end. He couldn't let Nick that close. He just couldn't.
Kevin walked up the drive to his house, mentally bracing himself for what was about to happen. All he wanted to do was run, but Kevin's fate was leaning against his front door waiting for him. Nick looked up as Kevin approached and spoke. "We need to talk. There are still things that need to be said, and I realized that if I waited for you to come to me, I wouldn't ever see you again."
"No. I made it all very clear. We're through," Kevin sighed, closing his eyes in exhaustion.
"No, actually we aren't," Nick said as he followed Kevin into his home.
"Carter, what part of this are you not getting? We aren't going to discuss this." Kevin was trying to keep his voice under control but, like everything else in his life, that too was slipping.
"No, actually we are." Nick said with a wry grin.
"Damn you. We are through," Kevin's voice dropped. "We need to be through."
"Kevin....Kevin we are not through. Maybe the Backstreet Boys are over and maybe we can't work together anymore, but you know what isn't over....," Nick paused while moving forward to stand directly in front of Kevin and look him in the eye. "The fact that Kevin and Nick love each other...that, my friend, is not over."
"No....no...no....no....no" This was the moment Kevin had been praying would never occur, and all he could do was deny.
"Yes dammit. I love you Kevin....and guess what? You love me too. Know what else? I am through ignoring that fact. I have been doing everything I knew how to keep things going between us as friends....until you were ready to move to the next level. Then it hit me that you were never going to let that happen were you? You thought you could decide for both of us and push me out of your life. No way. I am not leaving. Now I'm deciding for both of us." Nick hands were surprisingly still during all of this as he levelly gazed at his friend.
"Nick, we can't do this.....please I can't do this." Denial wasn't working....this was really happening.
" We can't not do this." Nick reached forward in an attempt to stroke Kevin's cheek and was not all that surprised when Kevin flinched away.
" No....I don't want you. I don't want this." There...he, Kevin Richardson, had said it. The lie that would eventually kill him as surely as if he had pulled a trigger.
"Oh no.....you think I don't know you, Kevin? I know you better than anyone right now. I know why you've been acting this way, and I know that you do want this. You want it so much that you would rather die than taste it and have it taken away." Nick stepped forward again...closing in on Kevin who was staring out the patio door.
"Nick....you don't understand. I can't love like that. I just can't.....I just can't," Kevin's voice was a whisper.
"You can...you do already. What you can't do is admit it and that's okay. I can deal with that right now. For now this is enough. For now I just need you to let me back into your life. You know you can't do this alone, Kevin." Nick was standing directly behind Kevin now.
"Please......please don't make this happen. I can't survive this kind of loss...." Kevin Scott Richardson was reduced to begging for his sanity from the only person who could grant it. His mind was flashing back to a different room and pledging his love before...and being hurt badly. <I can't let this happen. I have to get him away. Please God......>
"Kevin....nothing has happened yet, and you're already trying to take it away from us. You aren't going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere. I've been by your side for almost eight years. I love you." Nick put his hand on Kevin's shoulder, gently trying to turn him.
Kevin acquiesced, looking straight into the bright eyes that ruled him. His request for a stay of sentence was denied. "Do you know what you're asking?"
"Yes, I do, but I don't want an answer as of yet. We don't need to set forever in stone tonight....at least no more than it has been set in stone since the day we met." A smile graced Nick's face as he took Kevin's icy hand. "And I know we need to get the band business out of the way before any of the rest of this can be resolved. As soon as the negotiations are finished and we both have gotten some sleep, we're going to talk this out. All of it."
"You aren't going to let this go are you? We can't just go back to friends?" Kevin was trying to keep his heart closed but, somehow, it wasn't working. He felt the warmth of life returning to him.
"Kevin...I'm not letting you go. I am not going backwards. We're both going forward...together. " Nick brought Kevin's hand up to his own cheek and leaned into the palm.
"Why are you making the all the choices?" This was his last effort to regain control.
"Well Mr. Big Brother, I let you lead us this far and, to be frank, you weren't doing such a great job. So I took over, and look how far we've come...." Nick's words trailed off as he slowly came forward to place his lips against Kevin's.
Kevin froze...he had sworn this day would never happen again but, now that it was here he couldn't deny it any longer. He slowly brought his arms up to circle his friend, rather annoyed that Nick still had his coat on.....he wanted an armful of Nicky, not nylon. Nick opened his mouth to deepen the kiss briefly and Kevin was swept away by his second taste of this forbidden fruit...of his lover.....<lover...shit....this wasn't supposed to happen...I let this happen and this wasn't supposed to....stupid stupid stupid> Kevin's brain was going into overdrive. When Nick pulled back, he felt Kevin trembling.
"Stop it," Nick put his hands on either side of Kevin's head to force him into eye contact. "I know what you're thinking and you're wrong. We're meant to be. You need to stop fighting this. I love you. I'll say that as many times as it takes and I will show you too..but not now."
"What? But I thought...." <yeah right, Kevy what the fuck did you think...the BSB is basically over, barring final negotiations and you haven't slept in two days.>
"You know we need sleep and I think we need to put the management issues to rest before we continue this. I'm not going to stay here tonight...I can't. We need to approach this slowly and on our own. As soon as this is over, I'm coming back here and we're going to talk even if it kills us." Nick was de-tangling himself from Kevin's tight embrace. "And I know what you are thinking....'who the hell does he think he is? telling me what is going to happen.' Well Kevin I'm the guy that loves you and I'm taking care of stuff until you can again...okay? The band crap is your primary concern right now...leave the relationship shit to me." Nick smiled again more confidently this time.
"Why does this all scare me so much?" Kevin knew there was no answer but he felt the words fall before he could stop them.
"Because it means so much." Nick was walking towards the door and Kevin couldn't help but follow. "Kevin Richardson, I love you. I will never leave you. I need you to know that. Do you understand?"
"Yes.... I do...I think I finally do." Kevin was still a little stunned when Nick leaned forward to kiss him quickly and chastely before ducking out the door.
Kevin looked around his place and, for the first time in a week, it didn't seem so crowded. It seemed empty. He half expected to wake up now. This had to be another dream, but for once it wasn't a nightmare. Kevin smiled to himself.
For the first time in years Kevin felt hope rise and start to burn in a little corner he used to call his heart as his cell phone started ringing.