Don't read this if you aren't of legal age to view this where you live. It contains sexually explicit material. All names, places, and events are entirely fictional, and any similarities to real-life events are entirely coincidental.
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Mushier than I usually do, but after that last one, C.J. deserved it. Complain or cancel your subscription at ohwantanabe@gmail.com.
"You are a doll, honey," My mom said as she grabbed the sack dinner I'd packed for her on her way out. The polo she had to wear to her job at the grocery store was my work too, washed. Ever since I decided I wanted not to live in filth, not to go hungry when the frozen meals she bought on the first of month ran out, I'd cleaned and cooked. Practice for my eventual life goal of being a live-in concubine.
Her car sputtered for a few seconds before I could hear it rumbling away.
What? I'm supposed to be grateful? For her giving me the gift of life, that she personally had never hit me or anything? She'd made her bed. I was beginning to hate her.
I still needed things from her, though. Not signatures, which I could forge, but eventually that social worker was going to come by again. Go to school visibly bruised up and that's what happened.
It made me jittery. Last week there'd been a "While You Were Out" notice taped to our trailer door announcing another visit.
I was pacing the place this Saturday, cleaning, looking in the pantry, avoiding homework, self reflection and reckoning. Every time I'd try and sit down, I'd shoot right up to my feet, and find something else to keep me busy. Nervous energy sustained me these days.
"Nnnnnn, nnnnn, nnnn," I nearly jumped out of my skin when my hip started vibrating, and after fishing the phone out, I leant with my back against the fridge and tremblingly pried it open, pressing it to my face.
In the couple of months since he'd given it to me, Alex's phone had turned into a bit of a relic. I'd reach into my pocket obsessively, I slept with it, I'd stare at it, hoping it would spring to life.
It wasn't completely out of proportion or insane. Things were getting hot and heavy, and more important, regular. Every other friday, he'd pick me up, and Sunday night I'd step out of his car in my driveway, dazed and limping. My life outside of him was looking grim. I hadn't maintained grades, I would supposedly graduate soon, and I had no idea what I was going to do with myself.
"Babe," I ventured. I hadn't checked, but he's the only one who had my number. It didn't even feel like my number to give. Having a general use cell phone would have been useful, but it was more precious as a direct line to him.
And oh yea, he'd started calling me babe, so I followed. It just happened. His firm refusal to put a name to things had started slipping. It'd been the cigarette that'd done it. I don't know if he was still seeing his guy in every town, but if he was, and giving the same kind of attention he was giving me, he was awfully busy.
"Just got up," He rasped. It was 1:30. Not sleep deprived, he.
"I thought...," I asked, slowly descending down the fridge, taking a few magnets with me," You weren't gonna be around this weekend."
He laughed at my question, then said," That's what I said. Check outside."
Oh shit. I hadn't even straightened my hair today.
I bounded up with a grin on my face and after several happy squealing noises and a small dance in place, I gushed at Alex through the phone as I bolted towards the front door," This is the best... I wasn't expecting... I... I... gah!"
I unlocked the aluminum front door with a click, and slipped out onto the porch, where the air was warm and wet, it being springtime. But he wasn't...
My spirits sunk down to my bare feet. I bit my lip and shot inside. His car wasn't there, and he was laughing at me across the line. I couldn't say anything. I was embarrassed, and considered hanging up, but that would only make me lonelier. Fortunately I didn't cry, just stood on the front doormat, shaking.
"It's different, hurting my feelings, you know," I said in a small voice," I missed you, and..."
"I know, I know," He repeated in gruff conciliation, even sounding a little sorry, through the smile I knew was on his face," I missed you too, that's why I called. You're just...so fucking tragically beautiful, I just can't help but... If you were some worthless trash, I wouldn't have even bothered. You have the cutest outrage, you aren't resigned to it, but you still want it. I've gotta do it."
He made me sound like some victim. I didn't think of myself like that. Sure, this was fucked up, but so was everything else. It made a knot form in my chest. I thought...he was beautiful too. I still didn't have anything to say though.
"Listen," He said, a bit exasperated, trying to break through the tension," I'm in bed. Go take your clothes off, and climb in yours. It'll be almost like we're together."
"Not even close," I disagreed, but shot to my bedroom, and told him as I took my t-shirt off, and then my elastic banded shorts," Gimme a sec...One more...There. I'm here."
I was in nothing but my underwear, laying on my back, staring at the ceiling.
"Good boy," Alex said, like he'd say to a kid, but I could tell he was just as enthusiastic as I was," Now, describe yourself."
"Describe myself," I shot back playfully, and rubbed the crotch of my briefs," Forget what I look like already?"
"I just want to know," He growled," Paint a fucking picture."
"Well," I considered. I didn't really know what I might have expected, maybe just moaning over the line? This demanded a bit more literacy.
"It's been a week since I saw you, so I'm mostly the same," I began, trying to look at myself with new eyes," but, I'm 114 lbs, as of yesterday. Haven't developed that summer tan just yet..."
"And you shouldn't," He laughed," I like you like a cave creature."
"And I'm pulling off my briefs, they're green with white straps," I narrated as I brandished myself," I'm smooth. That's what pedos like you want. All 5.5 inches of me."
"It actually looks cute on you, proportional," Alex said, generous as far as his compliments went," What about lower?"
"It's, oh, well, two of my fingers are pushing between my thighs, rubbing, probing, finding," I continued, and bit my lip slightly as my back arched involuntarily as I rubbed below, pushing at my entrance," Oh, I found something. What could it be? It feels awfully nice."
"I dunno, your tight pink little fuckhole," His breathing was getting heavy, and I could hear some movement. I assumed he was jacking.
"You're right," I said playfully, like I was gonna give him a gold star and pin his picture to the fridge," But, you know, last time you saw it, it wasn't quite like this. It wasn't tight. You'd fucked me so much I was puffy and couldn't stand up without some of your cum dripping down my leg."
"Jesus christ, you should write this down," He said in a gravelly voice," you have a way with words."
Maybe he really was sorry for earlier. This was possibly the nicest I'd ever heard him be.
"Thanks babe," I beamed, and kicked the underwear off," You have a way with that huge dick of yours. I wish I were there to taste it. Up its length with my lips, on that salty head. Then I'd circle around under your foreskin with my tongue."
"Really," Alex purred loudly," Jesus, fuck. Do you have some lube or something. So you can pretend it's me?"
"I know a boy, he'll suck you for breakfast, he'll curl your toes," I rummaged in my side table for a small plastic tub which I found shortly and uncapped it," He don't use butter, he don't use cheese. He don't use jelly, or any of these. He uses..."
"Vaaaseline," Alex was cracking up on the other end as he finished the song," Huh. That what you like best? Have I been doing it wrong?"
"Fuck no," I told him as I swung my legs off the bed quickly to grab a towel and set it down before laying forehead-down on top of it. I wedged the phone between the bed and my ear before reaching out to scoop a couple tablespoons of the gooey stuff.
"I mean, for personal use, it's a favorite. It, ahhh," I moaned as I pushed in all the way to the second joint of my middle finger with my ass in the air," Doesn't get slick as easily. Friction. Think I can get the second finger in?"
"I know for a fact you can get a lot more than that. Vaseline doesn't work with condoms, you know."
I let out a muffled laugh at that, and he did too. We'd never used them.
"I dream about your dick you know," I cooed and winced as I stretched myself with the addition of the index," I want it in all the time. I wanna forget what it's like to be empty."
"You are a pro at this," He chuckled admiringly," I woke and baked, thought I'd call you. Didn't know what I was getting into."
That was why he was so nice. He was stoned, lonely and horny. No sense in wasting a good mood. I grinned up against the sheets.
"When you decide it's me you're getting into," I moaned again as I scissored myself slightly," I really don't care what you use. Anything short of motor oil. As long as you put. Ugh. That big head against it. Ahhh. And puush"
"I think I'm gonna die when you push it in," I said, recalling the memory as I hooked my fingers slightly, then gasped when I touched that button in my side-wall," Then again at the first thrust. Then again when you bottom out."
"You're so...alive in my arms," His voice got a little distant. I assumed he was imagining it too," So small, so breakable. Your skin is always so soft, your neck fits in my hands. I could crush in a second."
This is where it inevitably got to. I was in the same position I had been a few weeks, when I was losing my mind in panic, that damn gun against the back of my head. This is who he was, what I'd signed up for.
"Kinda beautiful, right," He sounded vulnerable over the line, his voice somewhat adolescent instead of its usual manliness," I mean, you're beautiful all the time. Fuck, you're even a pretty cryer. But the really gorgeous thing is having you on that edge, just very nearly squeezing too hard. You come back to life though. You aren't cold when we come out the other side."
What the fuck did he mean by that. Had he...followed through with someone? Was this a foray into imagination, or memory, or some mixture of both.
I didn't really care. It was curiosity, wanting to know about this man I loved, rather than fear. Besides, I was having an orgasm.
"I... I-I'm c-cummmmgng," I cried into the reciever. Half of me went limp, the other taut. Little ripples, starting at just behind my cock, pushed everywhere else. Flushed out of me, onto the towel. Made me shake and tremble, legs splayed out on either side.
"Uh, uuhhh, ahhh," I let it it die it's slow death, basking in the glow.
"Rrrr, rrrrr, rrrr," I grinned as I heard him push over the edge, right behind me," Fuck. Urrr. Fuck, fuck."
For a few minutes, we just listened as each other's breaths became less ragged. It last so long it was getting a little awkward. Who'd be the first to say something?"
"Aw fuck, I've gotta clean up," He said, trailing off.
"Do you, wanna go," I asked. I didn't want to, but that's what I thought he was getting at.
"Hell no, stay on the line. If you hang up I'm gonna beat your ass," He threatened, then explained," No, no. It's just that I'm not close to a towel, and I'm kinda trying to keep it from falling on my sheets."
"Now you're just teasing me with what I can't have," I faked whined, and suggested as I pushed myself up on my knees and wiped my ass," Why don't you lick it up, pretend you're me."
"No fucking way," He laughed and groaned," Alright, fuck. I hate doing laundry."
"I don't mind. I like the warm smell, the way you can smooth everything out as you fold it. It's optimistic," I assured him of my domesticity as I stepped off my bed. I picked up my underwear, and my shorts, but had a better thought for the rest.
"Just put on your shirt," I told him once I got my head through the neckhole. It was a large and huge on me.
"The one you stole from me," He was moving around. I heard some running water.
"The one? I have three now," I bragged and hopped back into my bed after tossing the towel into my hamper, under the covers this time," You can always take em off me."
"Haha," He laughed, then nonchalantly asked," Hey, you fucking anybody else?"
"What makes you think I have to answer that question," I replied indignantly.
He sighed, and added," Well, because I've gotten to know you a little better, and maybe I'm wrong or something, but you strike me as the kind of dumb romantic who goes and gets exclusive with a guy who has made really clear it would be stupid to get attached to."
I was pissed at how right he was. But more angry at myself.
"No, I'm not," My lower lip was trembling too much to lie, even though he couldn't see me," Fine, happy? You caught me."
It was quiet for a while after that. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He was a lot more opaque to me than the other way around.
"Well...good," He sounded relieved, and grunted before adding," Because... You are attached. To me."
Was this even happening? I had to bring my hand out from under the sheet and bite down it to stop from screaming.
"Don't get too fucking happy," He swore," I just wanted to make sure you weren't the town pump. Nobody else, ok? If I ever find out about anything, even a handsy for the local guy for an oz of ditch weed, I'm gonna kill him, but I'm gonna kill you next, after I make you watch and fuck you with a lit road flare."
Honeyed words they weren't. But I would've been a lot more suspicious had he said it over a candlelight dinner. This is who he was. I managed to unwedge my hand from my mouth, and shook it to get blood to where it'd gone white.
"Never. No one. I'm...yours," I couldn't put some kind of acerbic spin on it, I just said it, and when I worked up the courage, I asked," That means you too, right?"
I heard a deep breath, and he cracked one hand worth of knuckles before replying," Yea, but this doesn't mean we're gonna be fucking Ward and June. I'm not gonna suddenly be teddy bear because you belong to me now."
"I wouldn't want that," I assured him.
"And I still got a lot of things I don't have to tell you. This isn't gonna be the big reveal, you're not meeting my abuela."
"Shut up, I know," I wasn't gonna let him go on, let him talk himself out it.
"You shut up," He snapped, and kept the pissed off tone of voice as he added," Who told you you could get dressed again? When have I ever only wanted it once?"
So off went the clothes. He was more degrading this time, and I played along, but he couldn't bring me down. I belonged to him.