Heart and Soul Chapter 12
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12
You Are Not Alone
(Two and a third years after meeting Don)
Cooper and Laramie had Don and me over for dinner. It was actually a dinner party for Jakob, one of his old friends from AA. We had visited with Jakob and his hunky husband Lance on various occasions. Since seeing "Signposts," Don was fascinated with Jakob. Trent, Mike, Mitch and a woman named Ophelia were there as well.
"Cooper, this has just been lovely, I can't thank you enough," Jakob said as the dessert plates were cleared. "It has been a wonderful evening."
"We are glad to be a part of your birthday celebration," Cooper said. "It was our pleasure."
Cooper mentioned that coffee would be ready soon. Decaf, as it was evening. I had heard Lance wasn't a coffee drinker, so I watched him step away from the table and look about the living room. Once I had stirred some sugar into my cup, I stepped over to keep Lance company.
"No, coffee, huh?"
"Nah. I'm the oddball among this group that doesn't care for it. I'm just stretching my legs."
Legs. Even though he was in jeans, Lance's legs were clearly filling out the denim in muscular fashion. His arms were a thing to behold as well. Jakob was a very lucky man.
He looked down at a framed photo on an end table. It was of several of these men at the party from a trip in Las Vegas.
"This was last summer," Lance said.
"I remember. Corey talked about it for several weeks at our Sunday morning coffee."
"It was an awesome trip. I have so many great memories from it."
"Eight gay men on a trip together — it sounds amazing."
"And Corey, a straight kid."
"Was that hard with him along for the ride?"
Lance's face snapped toward me. "Not at all. I love Corey."
"Me too."
"He loves fitting in with adults."
"Indeed." I hesitated saying it, but I added, "I hope he fits in with his classmates."
"Do you think he doesn't?"
"I wouldn't say that necessarily. Hopefully adults aren't an escape from something he is lacking with his peers. But he has a girlfriend. His classmate Aiden stayed with him a week after the tornado. He'll occasionally talk about kids in class. I suppose he's okay."
Lance looked toward the dining room. "I'm just glad he isn't teased for his dad being gay."
"For sure. Or at least that we know of."
"I would have been crucified at my school growing up."
"For being gay or if your dad was?"
"Either one. I suppose that's why I had such a hard time admitting it in college."
"You look like you could pound anyone into the ground that gave you a hard time."
"Huh. Not in high school. I was a normal build. I was pretty fit in college to be on the basketball team. Then ... I drank — a LOT. I put on pounds near the end of school. Kinda pudgy. Once I started my career with Horizon Fitness, I just started taking care of myself. I think I worked out to deal with stress and everything else I screwed up with my life. Then I just wanted to look good for Jakob."
"Nothing against Jakob, but you have clearly succeeded in that. He isn't close to your build."
"He's everything to me. I don't know why he puts up with me."
"Sorry, Lance, but ... you're a catch. I hope you realize that."
"He brings out the best in me. I was an ass in college. Jakob ... he changed my life."
"Don has given me a second chance at true love too."
"He seems very nice. I hear you all moved in together."
"Two months ago. It's been good."
"No one should be alone," Lance said. "Everyone deserves to find someone."
We joined everyone at the table again. Once coffee was done, Lance and Jakob said they had an hour's drive back home. Ophelia needed to head out as well. Mike had school in the morning, and Trent had his radio show. There were numerous hugs.
In the driveway, Don said, "We haven't seen L.B. in a while. Want to stop in for a drink?"
"He's there until close," Mitch answered.
"Want to join us?" I offered. "We'll treat."
Mitch lived with Carter, so he saw him every day. "I usually don't drop in on L.B. while he works, but ... sure, I'd love the company."
At The Black Stallion, we pulled up stools at the bar. Layton was off, but L.B. and another bartender we didn't know were covering the shift. After we sat down, I noticed the gentleman named Lorenzo was on the other side but came over to sit next to me.
"I was about to leave, but then I saw you guys come in. How are you feeling?"
"Good. I'm back to my old self. For the most part. Occasionally I have days where I'm more tired, but I think my recovery has gone well. I feel fortunate."
"Good for you."
L.B. came from out of the bar to hug Mitchell and give him a strong kiss. We all smiled at the two.
Lorenzo sighed in disappointment.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing. Me. Life. Nothing. Everything."
"I don't follow."
"I suppose I had a chance with Mitchell at one time. We kissed once. He was in therapy. I was ... well, I'm actually who I am right now."
"Which means?"
"I feel more lost every day."
"Why so?"
"I'm only my true self in here."
"I'm sorry if it's none of my business, but ... don't you meet up with people ... you know, with apps?"
"That's so hollow. And half the time I'm paranoid about being seen. I turn 45 next month and ... I've never been in love. Mitch and Carter are such opposites, and ... look how happy they are." Lorenzo sighed again. "I just feel so alone."
I remembered Lance's words. "No one should be alone."
"Unless they want to be," Lorenzo replied. "But ... I choose to be, but not because I want to be."
"Do you really think your job would be threatened if you came out?"
"I started feeling that way in my 20s. Now ... I've probably just trained myself to feel that way. I'm an old dog who can't learn new tricks."
"Old hardly. I'm 67!! I'm more than twenty years older than you. You have half your life ahead of you." I stopped talking. "I'm sorry. It's really none of my business. I shouldn't assume to know what's best for anyone but myself."
"I didn't take offense."
Lorenzo watched Mitch and L.B. kiss again. I could feel the longing in his eyes. He craved to be in love.
L.B. attended to his work duties behind the counter, but he still visited from that side of the bar when he could. At least Don had visited with him some while I had been talking to Lorenzo.
After about thirty minutes, Lorenzo said, "It was nice to see you again." He shook my hand and walked toward the front door. The way his head slightly hung, I knew he was sad. He was unfulfilled. I wondered if he felt this way every day.
We didn't stay much longer. Carter shook our hands across the bar. Both he and Mitch leaned over the counter as much as they could to make a final peck, and then we departed.
—
I detected the aroma of raspberry kolaches at Joe. I loved the Sunday mornings when the café made those.
"According to L.B., Lorenzo from the bar asks about you," Mitchell said. Brad slid his steaming beverage in front of him.
"Us? Or me?" I asked Mitchell.
"Not sure. I guess you and Don come as a package. Anyway, L.B. says Lorenzo asks about you from time to time."
"Interesting."
"Maybe we should stop in for a drink this week," Don said.
"Why us though?" I looked at my partner. "We haven't seen him in over two weeks."
Cooper and Larry arrived, but no Corey.
Larry talked about business at his store. He said it typically slows down for a month or two after the holidays, but this year has started out strong. Everyone congratulated him on his store's success.
Why would Lorenzo want to talk to me??
"Voila!" Brad swooped in with raspberry kolaches that Cooper had quietly ordered for the table. Everyone commented on how amazing they were. The filling was almost too hot to eat.
"Amazing, Brad," Don said. "Totally delicious."
"You know it!!" he said and sauntered off with a swish.
We hardly knew Lorenzo at all. Why us??
After the dishes were cleared, Brad topped off our coffee. He told us about his latest theater production. It was a local production of "Once." It sounded interesting, but my mind kept drifting.
Lorenzo had showed signs of depression a couple of weeks ago. Did he need someone to talk to?
Mitch and Cooper started talking about an account at their firm. Apparently, the company was run by a huge queen, and they found the meetings with him to be hysterical. This boss picked up on Mitchell and Cooper's orientation, and they quickly became favorites with the client. Cooper was somewhat perturbed that it was obvious that he was gay. Mitch noted that the client's gaydar was hyper-sensitive. But I missed most of the details.
Was Lorenzo trying to reach out? Did he need someone to talk to?
Don followed up with the gaydar of someone in one of his committees he was on. He went on for a few minutes, but my mind started to swirl. I was trapped in what Mitch had told us.
Why did Lorenzo ask for us?
He felt alone; was he needing to reach out — to anyone?
Was his depression taking him down?
How bad was it?
Alcohol, denial, depression — was he reaching for a lifeline?
Was he suicidal?
"Fuck." My blurting of the cuss word caused everyone to look at me. "Mitch! Does L.B. have my phone number?"
Mitch was startled. "Uh. I – uh – he – I don't know. Why?"
"You do, right? Please give it to him when he wakes up. Have him call me!"
Don was concerned at my somewhat frantic tone. "What is it, honey?"
"I don't know. I – I just have a bad feeling about this Lorenzo asking for us."
"What are you talking about?" Cooper asked.
"A customer at L.B.'s bar. We hardly know him, but he – he seemed depressed. If he is hoping to talk to someone ... is that ... asking for help?"
The table was quiet.
"Maybe I'm overreacting. I probably am. But ... I don't want to ignore it. I'm concerned."
"Okay," Mitch softly said, visibly weirded out by my reaction.
But I was troubled.
—
That afternoon, my phone rang. It wasn't a number in my contacts. I was hoping it was L.B. I answered. It was.
"Mitchell said you were kind of freaked out this morning."
"Well, I guess I was. He said that you had mentioned that Lorenzo had been asking for us. Do you know why?"
It was quiet. "Uh. ... Not really."
"Does he seem depressed?"
"With him, it's hard to tell. Lorenzo doesn't talk a lot. He usually sits at the bar, but sometimes off by himself. We just know he ... kind of lives in denial. He hides who he is through most of his daily life. The bar is his outlet ... of sorts."
"Have you noticed a change?"
"He comes in a LOT more; I can tell you that. He has commented that he is envious of you and Don."
"Why us?"
"I don't know."
"Is he drinking more?"
"I wouldn't say that. Maybe. He is just coming in all the time."
"Will you call me when he comes in next?"
"I guess I can. Why?"
"I'm probably way off base, but ... I'm getting a feeling, and I don't want to ignore it."
"Okay. I'll let you know."
After we hung up, my partner looked at me.
"What's going on, babe? What's this all about?"
"I hope I'm just overreacting, but ten ... maybe twelve years ago, a coworker of Gene's attempted suicide. It was awful. They rushed him to the hospital. It shook Gene to the core. He wished he had paid attention to the signs."
"Like what?"
"The changes in his friend's outlook. Depression. Heavy drinking."
"Did this person live?"
"Yes. But ... he did some permanent damage." I took a deep breath. "I'll just feel better after I talk to Lorenzo."
"Then I'll be there with you when you do."
—
Two days later, my phone rang. It was Carter. "Hey, L.B."
"Hi," his voice said, sort of in a loud whisper. "He's here. I'm letting you know."
"Got it. Thanks!"
I looked at the clock. It was shortly after 6.
"Can we put dinner on hold?" I asked Don.
"I was about to start on it, but I haven't yet."
"Lorenzo is at The Black Stallion. I – I just want to check on him."
"Of course."
Happy Hour at The Black Stallion went until 7. Don and I decided we'd have at least one drink and possibly a second before Happy Hour ended.
When we arrived, we first locked eyes with L.B. He slightly nodded his head to the end of one side of the bar, directing us to Lorenzo. The counter had several open seats. He had one open to his right, but two were empty to his left. I pulled up a bar stool next to him with Don next to me.
"Hi," I simply said.
When he saw us, there was something in his expression that lit up. "Hey, how are you guys?"
"We're good. I'm really getting back to my old self," I replied.
"Good, good. You look good."
"How about you? How are you?"
Lorenzo was quiet. His silence was a deafening NON-answer.
"Lorenzo?"
He put his head in his hands. His fingertips rubbed his temples in circles. "I don't know."
"Do you want to talk?"
"What can I get you guys?" Layton asked.
I ordered a tall draft; Don got a glass of cabernet.
I turned back to Lorenzo. I didn't say anything further. I just waited.
"I turn 45 a week from today."
"Happy Early Birthday."
"Ha. Hardly. I'm miserable."
"I'm sorry. Care to talk about it?"
When Layton brought our drinks, we had a brief moment of telepathy. My eyes looked at him, then Lorenzo's drink then back at him and then Lorenzo's drink. Quietly, Layton mouthed "three." It was astonishing that he figured out what my glance was conveying, but he did.
"It would be pretty presumptuous to think I will live to 90, but-"
"One never knows. We could all go tomorrow."
He sighed. "Exactly. I have spent probably more than half of my life in ... hiding. With each day, I feel worse and worse."
"I'm sorry. Have you discussed this with ... a professional?"
"Like a therapist? Nah. There's nothing to figure out. I'm gay. I'm terrified others will find out. And then-"
"Why does that terrify you?"
"I'm sure my upbringing didn't help, but being in education — even though I'm rarely around the kids — I feel it is much more of being under a microscope."
"I get that, but times have certainly changed for the better."
"Maybe. I still hear a comment or two at work."
"About you?"
"About homo-_SEXual_s," he said in a derogatory tone.
"Hm. I see. But there are laws that protect you. And you aren't doing anything wrong to begin with."
"Just talk can lead to scandal. I fear an accusation would ruin me at work. Plus, ... I don't want my family to find out."
"They don't know?"
"Hell no." He paused. "Well, we've never had the discussion." He used air quotes. "I'm 45 and don't date women. I'm sure they have enough brains to figure it out. It just isn't talked about, I guess." Lorenzo took a drink. "Or the city council. I'm on that committee too."
"Sooo ... what's your plan going forward?"
"That's just it! I feel trapped. Lost and trapped. And alone. I keep coming here just to ... just to feel like I'm ... not the only gay guy in the world."
"Well, clearly, you're not."
"I know. I know."
"I'm going to say something here — and it's completely none of my business — but my best friend came out in his late 30s. Before that, he developed a drinking problem. Alcohol was his answer to a lot of the things you're dealing with. He'd be the first person to tell you not to let that happen to you. Alcohol is not a solution."
"I'm not getting drunk, if that's what you mean."
"Okay. Just ... never think of it as a way out, okay?"
Lorenzo nodded.
"Deep down, what do you really want?" Don asked, entering the conversation.
"What you two have."
"Us?" both Don and I said.
"Yes. I'm very envious of you two."
"Why? I mean there are a lot of younger, better-looking men in here to be envious of."
"They don't have what you have."
"Which is ...?" I asked.
"True love. I've watched you two. How he took care of you following your stroke, how you stare into each other's eyes, simple things like Don's putting his hand on your wrist. I know you go home together and hold each other in bed. Making love with someone who truly means something to you. Not just a dick shoved into a stranger. I want that. I want what you have."
For a brief second, I felt incredibly flattered — which was not a feeling I experienced very often.
"I get that you come here not to feel alone. I understand that. But you need more places where you can feel that way. A bar is not the only place to be with others."
"But I could be seen in other places."
"So? Be seen? Why would people make assumptions just by being in a restaurant or a park or a concert? You could be out with a friend or friends."
"I want that. So. Bad. I'm just drowning in fear. And I'm letting my life just pass me by. I'll never have what you two have."
"I want you to meet someone. Would you be willing to join us for coffee on Sunday morning?"
Lorenzo's eyes flashed back and forth. I knew he was wanting to say "In public?" but he resisted. "Where?"
"Joe, the coffee shop at the end of the block."
Lorenzo was evaluating if there was any risk. Sunday morning. Gay part of town. Judgmental people shouldn't see him there. "Maybe."
"Can we treat you to dinner tonight?" Don asked.
"Tonight?"
"I think it would be nice for you to spend some time with friends," my partner said.
Lorenzo looked at both of us. Don and I realized that he didn't know any gay people whom he considered friends. He was moved by Don's comment.
"Where would we go?"
"We can go anywhere you want. You can pick," my lover offered.
"I'll think about it."
For a few minutes, none of said anything further.
As it neared 7, L.B. asked if we'd like another. I actually did, but I didn't want to influence Lorenzo into a fourth drink, particularly since we could be driving to dinner shortly. We waved him off. Don handed him a credit card.
"There's a place near the university called Señor Miguel's. No one would know me there."
"Lorenzo, even if they DID know you, we'd simply be three friends out for dinner," I responded.
"Perhaps."
I mouthed "thank you" to L.B. on the way out. In the car, Don was driving, so I entered the name of the restaurant into my GPS. I hadn't ever been there.
"I don't know what to make of him," Don said. "I realize he has a few drinks in him, but ... he's borderline paranoid."
"Fear has him by the throat."
Twenty minutes later, we were sitting at a table when our server brought a bowl of chips and three small cups of salsa. Lorenzo was scanning the restaurant to make sure no one he knew was in there. No one who could see him — or importantly, see us.
"What can I get you gentlemen," our server said. "Margaritas tonight?"
Lorenzo looked over at the bar.
"Three iced teas," I ordered for us.
"Coming up," she said before leaving our table.
Lorenzo shot me a look questioning why I didn't let him order a drink.
"Remember what I said. You've had enough."
We looked at the menu and ordered a few minutes after that. Lorenzo stirred two packets of sugar in his tea. I always put sugar in my coffee but never in my tea. It was funny how I just realized that in the moment.
Our new friend kept glancing around.
"Lorenzo, take a deep breath," Don said.
He looked back at the bar. He wanted something.
"I had a panic attack the other night." He took a deep breath. "You know what that is, right?"
We both nodded. "Of course," I said.
"When I left The Black Stallion, I passed someone from the office as I rounded the corner. I immediately started panicking that they would have figured out that I was coming from a gay bar. I mean, it was two blocks away, for Christ's sake. I – I – I don't know how much longer I can live like this."
"Then don't," I said.
He looked startled as if I indicated he shouldn't live.
"Wha-?"
"Don't live like that. Stop. Full stop. Lorenzo, I'm not going to pretend that I have any professional training; I don't. I'm not a shrink. But I can tell that your choices are very unhealthy. You're working yourself into panic attacks. Sneaking off to gay bars so you can be who you really are, but once you leave you are living a life of deception. Again, I realize everyone's life is different. But ... wouldn't it be nice to breathe?"
"I just want to be ... happy. And I can't find my way there."
"Maybe start by being yourself?" Don replied.
We spent a minute crunching chips and dipping them into our salsa.
My observations could have been way off, but it looked like the nervousness had left him. He wasn't checking out who might see him with two gay men. Keeping salsa on his chip and not his shirt seemed to be his primary thought at the moment.
Soon, dinner arrived.
"This is nice," he said. "I can't thank you two enough."
"It's nothing," Don said.
"No! It IS something. I mean ... I just don't have anyone to talk to. It's ... scary. You have no idea how fortunate you two are."
"How so?" I asked.
"You can say whatever is on your mind to each other. Whether it is about a gay actor or if the weatherman is cute or-"
"Sam Johnson!" we both said.
"I know, right?" Lorenzo laughed. "But that's just it. If you think a guy is handsome or has a gorgeous chest or notice a bulge in a guy's pants — you can talk about it. And ... I can't."
"Or won't," I said.
Lorenzo thought about my words as he cut his fork into his cheese enchiladas.
"Again, I'd like you to meet someone Sunday. Will you come to coffee at 9?" I asked.
"I guess."
"In the meantime, let me encourage you to do one thing this week."
"What's that?"
"Tell one person you are gay."
Lorenzo choked. "No. I – I – I can't do that." His look of fear overtook him again.
"Do you want what we have?"
"Absolutely."
"Take a first step. It doesn't even have to be anyone you know. It could be the checkout girl at the grocery store. It could be your postal carrier."
"That would be kind of weird."
"Probably true, but do you get what I'm saying? Tell someone where there is no consequence if they know. Call up an old college friend. Include it in casual conversation with someone at the movie theater. Make it no risk — but just say it. Come out to one person."
"I can't picture me doing that."
"No pressure, but ... give it some thought."
We enjoyed the rest of the meal talking about television shows we grew up with. When dinner was over, I couldn't even recall how the conversation had switched to that subject, but Lorenzo was at ease again.
At our cars, he gave us an earnest look of gratitude. "Thank you. This night was ... you just don't know. You have no idea. Thank you for being at the bar tonight. Especially thank you for dinner. I could have paid."
"It's our pleasure to spring for cheese enchiladas," Don said.
Lorenzo laughed harder than he had all night.
"Give me your phone," I said.
He looked confused, but he opened it for me and allowed me to put my contact info in.
"If you ever need to talk, you can call me."
"Thanks."
Lorenzo looked around. No one was watching. He gave us both a hug.
And we each got into our cars.
—
"Do you think he will show?" I asked Don.
"We have no way of knowing."
Joe was fairly busy. I was wondering if that would bother Lorenzo if he showed up. However, he was used to The Black Stallion being busy at times, so ... should this make any difference?
We had pulled two tables together. It was now one large table, but it was not yet full.
"Oh my God. He's here," I said.
We could see him walk to the door through the glass windows. He all but looked in pain. He didn't want to be here. But this was in the gayborhood. Why was he resisting?
As he entered the coffee shop, he looked like he was entering a dentist's office. I waved him over.
As he approached the table, I stood to make introductions. "Lorenzo, you of course know Don and Mitch. I want you to meet friends of mine. This is Mike and his husband Trent."
Everyone shook hands.
"I particularly wanted you to meet Mike. He's a teacher here in town."
"You're in education?"
"Jerome Hawkins High School," Mike answered.
"Oh my. I ..." Lorenzo seemed overcome. "I'm very happy to meet you."
"That's nice of you to say. But may I ask why?"
"Um. Well. I'm in education too. Not a teacher. More at the administrative office."
"I see."
"Mike is out to his school," I said.
"You are?" Lorenzo's eyes were wide. "Who's your principal?"
"Keeter."
"Hmm. And everything's fine?"
"I won't lie and say I haven't had a coworker or two distance themselves from me, and I'll hear an occasion `fag' snickered in the hallway, but ... everything overall is good. My true friends at work are still the same, and my students are great. Not that I have rainbow flags draped through my room, but I am sure word is out there."
"I'm impressed."
"He actually came out to them on National Coming Out Day and asked me to attend the faculty meeting to do it," Trent said. "We were so young then."
"Oh, fuck you," I growled. "YOUNG! Please. What are you now, like 25?!"
"Well, 26. But what I meant was Mike and I were early on in our relationship then, maybe half a year."
"Trent was what I was looking for. I knew it."
"Same here." Trent kissed his husband.
"Wait a minute," Lorenzo said. "Are you the Trent on the radio in the mornings?"
"I am."
"Wow. I've listened to you many times. My schedule doesn't always allow me to have it on, but ... you are sort of an inspiration to me."
"Well ... thanks. I guess. Why?"
"I felt you represented the gay community to Jackson Bend. Professionally, nicely. You're fantastic."
Trent sort of blushed.
Cooper, Larry and Corey arrived.
"Sorry we are late. Laramie had to jump my battery this morning," Cooper said.
"With Corey here, I take it that isn't a sexual reference," I said.
"Emory!!" Don growled.
Corey giggled, seeing me get into trouble.
"Lorenzo, I would like for you to meet Cooper, his husband Larry and his son Corey."
The trio garbled "nice to meet you" phrases over each other. Larry shook Lorenzo's hand.
Lorenzo didn't say anything, but his eyes reacted to Cooper's amazingly good looks. Not that Larry was a slouch either.
I felt the need to explain why Lorenzo was in the group.
"I invited Lorenzo to join us because ... I wanted him to feel comfortable being out with gay men."
"Just so you know, I'm a regular at The Black Stallion," he said. "I am among other gay men."
"We're trying to broaden your horizons," I replied.
"I'm not sure I understand," Larry said.
Lorenzo sighed. "Let me explain it."
He hesitated with Corey being there, but Corey didn't look uncomfortable at all. He turned toward Brad, who was bringing coffee for the three of them. Corey kept his black.
Everyone turned their attention back to Lorenzo.
"I guess I've known for ... well, forever. Maybe. When I was in my teens, I just questioned things. I thought all guys looked at other guys. But I noticed I wasn't going all crazy for girls like my friends were. Gay people were appearing on television shows all the time, so I just began to wonder if I was."
"Did anything ever happen?" Don asked.
"Once." Lorenzo looked at Corey. "Are you okay hearing this?"
Corey nodded and shrugged. Cooper didn't seem to have any reservations.
"When I was in college, I had ... an experience. That was it. I knew. I was sure my parents would not approve. My mother had made enough comments in my younger years when newscasts had stories of gay rights and parades and such. She said AIDS was punishment for their sin. Even though I wasn't sure at the time, her words bothered me."
Brad slid a cinnamon roll in front of Lorenzo. "On me," he said.
"Oh, thank you," Lorenzo said in surprise. He tried a bite. His expression conveyed what we all knew — the pastries at Joe were top tier.
"So anyway, I tried not to act on my feelings. When I was an adult on my own, you'd think I wouldn't care anymore. But you do. You care what your family thinks. For the past fifteen years, I've had a career with the school district. I was scared; I thought it would impact my job."
"I totally can relate," Mike said. "For the longest time, I was terrified of telling anybody. I had one teacher I confided in."
"What made you decide to come out?" Lorenzo asked.
"Trent. He ... he became the center of my life. I loved him with my heart and soul ... and I didn't want to hide it, him, us. I'm so glad I did."
"I just don't know."
"Lorenzo, I was married to a woman into my mid-30s. I get where you are coming from. Do you feel alone at times?" Cooper asked.
"Completely, yes. I then run to The Black Stallion. I don't want to feel alone. Sadly, I don't do much there other than just sit in the bar and be with others. I know I'm not alone, but ... there's an expression: alone in a crowd."
The men nodded.
"I turned to alcohol," Cooper said. "It started to ruin me. Thankfully, AA ... and friends ... helped me turn it around. And, yes, families can be a bear, but ... they either come around or they don't, but that's up to them. You can't control that. I know I feel better now than when I was lying."
Corey's eyes looked at his father differently when he heard Cooper say he had lied.
"It's not like there are places to go to just to talk things out with others," Lorenzo said. "The bars are pretty much meat markets at times. I usually am not looking for that."
"I agree. I so wanted to just ... talk. Mitch helped me come out, but not everyone has someone like that."
I watched Mitchell shift his weight. He did help Cooper come out and then cheated on him. I knew it was difficult for him to forgive himself. At least that friendship had been repaired.
"It's a shame there isn't a group for men to meet up and just share. I have that in AA, but there isn't a gay equivalent I guess."
"That would be amazing," Lorenzo said.
"Yeah," I said blankly. It would.
Brad topped off our coffee.
"Can I say something?" Corey asked. "Well, maybe I shouldn't."
"What is it?" his father replied.
"Well, I'm just a kid-"
"A mature kid," Cooper said.
"A smart kid," I said
"A loving kid," Larry said.
"Okay! Stop." Corey waved his hands in the air as if blowing us away as if we were a fart. "Fine. Whatever." He looked at Lorenzo. "If I can say something, I can tell you what I have observed. It's been several years, and it's kind of hard to remember, but the feelings are easy to recall. I remember feeling weird and uneasy when my parents began to fight. I noticed a change in my dad."
Cooper buried his face in his hands.
"He wasn't happy. Mom wasn't happy," Corey continued. "I could tell. I could feel it. I didn't understand everything. It was scary. I probably didn't know Dad was drinking as much as he probably was, but I could tell he was unhappy."
"I'm so sorry," Cooper muttered into his hands.
Corey paid no attention to his father. "But what I remember the most of all was when — it was like a switch — Dad seemed himself. He made sure I knew nothing was my fault nor Mom's fault. He explained to me who he really was. I could feel ... feel his honesty."
Cooper's eyes looked above his fingertips. Larry put a hand on his shoulder.
"Dad was happy. I knew his life was shaken up. It all kind of blew up in his face. But I could see him. I could see who he really was. And because he was happy, I was okay with it."
"Wow," Trent said.
"Like I said, I'm just a kid. What do I know. But ... I think you would be happy too, if you just told the truth. It's got to be easier than constantly lying."
"Out of the mouths of babes," Don said. "I am time and again struck by what to me is a tendency to overthink."
Corey shot Don a glare. He didn't appreciate being called a babe.
"He's right," Mitch said. "There is a sense of relief and release when you are just true to yourself."
"It's terrifying," Lorenzo said.
"Yes, it is," Mike inserted. "It is totally scary. At first. And then you are so glad you did it."
"I was incredibly scared to tell anyone at school. I was at the end of my senior year of college before I could muster the courage to tell anyone," Trent said. "We understand what you are going through."
"This is all nice to hear," Lorenzo said, staring into his coffee. "I ... I just want to be happy. And I'm not. At all. My life is just closing in on me, and I feel trapped."
"I'm sorry," I said. "But we're here for you."
—
Tuesday night, Lorenzo called.
"Hi. Hey, is today your birthday?" I answered.
"It is."
"Happy birthday."
"Thanks."
There was something in his tone. "Are you okay?"
"I'm not sure." He paused. "Can we talk?"
"Of course, where are you?"
"At home."
"Would you like to come over here? Have a glass of wine or a beer?"
"I don't need a drink."
"We can still talk."
"Okay."
"I'll text you the address."
Fifteen minutes later, we had a guest.
I guided Lorenzo to the living room. Don entered a minute later with iced tea for the three of us.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I did it. I finally did it."
"Go on," Don said.
"I came out to someone."
"Oh! Good for you. Who was it?"
"My parents."
"Ohhhhhhh," Don moaned. "How did that go?"
"Not spectacularly."
"What did they say?" I asked.
"Let's see. How did my mother put it? She just flatly said, `Well, I'm not surprised. I had questioned it before.' And I asked her if she was okay with my being gay. She said she would prefer I not be. She thought it was sinful. She said I could hopefully ignore those feelings and pursue a straight life."
"It doesn't work that way," Don said.
"Right. I attempted to tell her that. She didn't understand. She didn't want to understand."
"And your father?" I asked.
"Well, they called to wish me Happy Birthday. I had let my life just get so mixed up, my stomach was in knots. I just blurted out, `I need to tell you something.' And it just came out. I guess it happened kind of fast. At least my father said, `It was probably hard to tell us that. I appreciate your honesty.' So, there's that."
"Did he say he understood? Did he say it didn't matter? Did he say he still loves you?"
"No." Lorenzo rested his face on his fist, his elbow on the armrest. He stared into blank space. "None of that."
"Don't take that too internally," Don said. "In time, they will come around. They just need to process the information for now. They still love you."
"I imagine. Maybe. I don't know. It wasn't like I felt super loved to begin with. I always felt like I was letting them down. But you know what ... I feel fine."
"You do?" I asked.
"It's like you had been saying. Being honest was liberating. I felt so much pressure lift off my chest. It took a few minutes after the phone call for me to remember how to breathe. But ... I'm okay."
"Your father was right. It did take courage. Good for you," Don said.
Lorenzo sat up straight again and took a drink. The cubes of ice clinked in his glass when he set it back down.
"I suppose I have taken a first step."
"Two," I said.
"How do you figure?"
"From what I understand, you usually wouldn't be seen in the company of gay men, but you parked at our house and walked in our front door."
"You're actually right. I would usually be afraid to do that. God, I'm a mess."
"If so, you are starting to put it all together," Don said.
"I don't know about that, but ... damn it, I do feel better to a certain degree. Each time I deceived my parents, I just hated myself. Truly hated. And ... not lying, not hiding ... feels good. No matter what they think."
"Good," I said.
"Thank you for letting me talk. Thanks for listening. I needed that."
"Our pleasure. I just wish ... remember Sunday when we talked about having like a ... focus group of gay men coming out later in life?"
"I'm not sure we got that far," my partner said.
"But if there WAS such a group, would you want to talk to others in your shoes?"
"Lord, yes."
"I'm thinking about something. Perhaps something may come of it."
We talked for a good thirty minutes before Lorenzo left. He felt calm. He gave both of us a hug before walking to his car. What was remarkable was that it was on our porch and not inside. He could have been seen by neighbors or motorists. Not that anyone would have given a second thought to a hug. But I mentally noted that he had taken a step in doing so.
"What are you thinking?" Don asked. "You said you had an idea."
"I do. The community center offers all sorts of services. Cooper's AA meetings are there. They do other things. What if ... what if, kind of like AA, there were meetings that gay men who come out later in life just have an opportunity to open up?"
"Do you think anyone would show up?"
"It would probably depend on if we could get the word out. I think it would do a world of good for Lorenzo — and people like him."
"Possibly. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you in getting this started, baby."
"I suppose."
A purpose! For months and months, I had seen Don go off to his committees and meetings, and I felt completely drab. Maybe figuring out this thing was going to be my goal, my purpose. I felt motivated. But as Don said, I had my work cut out for me.
But, damn, I finally felt I had some direction in my retirement.
—
For several days, I investigated the services offered at the community center. I studied the calendar on its website. I finally set up a meeting with the center's director. She clearly explained the specifics of setting up a workshop service, as she termed it. A deposit was required in case cleaning services were needed, but I wouldn't mind springing for that. I couldn't imagine us wrecking the place in any way.
She explained that new workshops are considered temporary until they feel established after three months. It would be a trial period.
There was still a lot to do, but I felt I was still moving forward. But to what end? I was close to questioning everything and contemplating giving up.
My phone rang.
"Hi, Lorenzo."
"Hi. I just needed to hear a friend's voice."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm not sure. My father called."
"Okay."
"He was checking on me. He wanted to make sure I was all right."
"That's good, right?"
"I guess. I shared a little more with him. I told him I felt better about not lying or hiding. He said he imagined that was a relief of sorts."
"I told him it was. But he never said he understood what I was going through."
"It is probably hard for someone not gay to know what it might feel like. But it sounded like a positive step."
"Perhaps. Until I asked about Mom."
"And ...?"
"He said, `Let's talk about something else.' So, she's still definitely not onboard."
"I'm sorry."
"It is what it is. I'm still glad I told them. I'm thinking about telling my coworkers. We sign contracts for next year on Thursday. Maybe after that I can be honest, knowing I have a job for at least a year."
"I still don't think you would be fired for being gay."
"Hopefully they won't find some other reason to use instead. But Emory ... I want to tell them. I want to let go of all the secrets."
"Okay."
He was silent. I wasn't sure if I should say anything.
"I'm thankful that you let me share. I appreciate you," he softly said.
"Any time."
After we hung up, I knew I couldn't give up.
—
I had asked L.B. and Lorenzo to join us for coffee at 9. Don and I arrived first pulling two tables together. Cooper and Larry arrived shortly thereafter.
"We won't need a chair for Corey. He isn't with me this week," my best friend said.
"It could be boring talk for him anyway," I said.
Brad brought coffee for Don and me. "Big table today."
He then took Cooper's and Larry's order when Lorenzo arrived, and Brad noted his selection as well.
Carter and Mitchell arrived, and we all stood to hug. It was interesting to me. Mitchell had history with so many men there. He and Cooper were partners until his indiscretion. I didn't like him for that for a while, even though I never told Cooper. Larry and Mitchell managed to salvage a friendship despite Cooper choosing Larry over him. Lorenzo wanted to date Mitchell but wouldn't allow himself beyond a hookup. Mitchell indicated he was interested back then. But now he was with L.B., and things were good in his world. My group of friends had overcome so many obstacles.
"First, L.B., thank you for coming. I know how late you work, and you've only had a few hours of sleep."
"I have a long nap planned this afternoon," Carter smiled. "What's going on?"
"Well, I'd kind of like your opinion."
"Me? On what?"
"Well, I'm in the process of arranging for a ... meeting, I suppose ... a focus group of people like Lorenzo here."
"Meaning guys who come out late in life," Lorenzo said.
"Are you out?" Mitchell asked.
"Slowly. I'm getting there."
"L.B., are there more people like Lorenzo at the bar? You know, on the down low?"
"Oh. I thought you were going to say who came out later in life. There are a lot of those. But I really don't know our customers that well to know who is ..." He paused. "There may be one or two that are still married to women, but not everyone talks about their personal lives to me."
"After a few drinks maybe," Mitchell joked.
"True."
"If I do this group thing, I'm just wondering how many people it would help. Plus, how do I get the word out??"
"Well, if you print fliers of the meetings, we can post them on the board at The Black Stallion," L.B. said. "Daniel's and Indigo have them too. I know those managers. They'll post them."
"That's a start."
"But if people are patronizing gay places, do they really need a place to talk?" Don asked.
"I do," Lorenzo muttered.
Brad brought everyone's beverages. Don handed him a card and said everything was on him today and ordered the table the pastry of the day.
"Lemon and blueberry tarts," Brad said. "You'll come in your pants. I'm just saying."
We chuckled.
"I don't know how to get the word out beyond that," I said. "Well, it is going to be on the community center website, but I'm not sure if people will just stumble across that."
"What are you calling this meeting?" L.B. asked.
"That's ANOTHER thing. I have no idea. The name `Late Bloomers' appalls me. I hate it. But ... I don't know what to call it."
For a few minutes, we came up with bad ideas: Late to the Game, Men of Truth, Honest Men, Out at Last, Compadres, Yours Truly. When I thought of Better Late Than Never, I barked, "These suck! Why is this so hard?!"
"May I offer a suggestion?" Lorenzo meekly asked.
"Of course," I responded.
"When I met that teacher here last time-"
"Mike," several of us interjected.
"Right. I asked him why he decided to tell his coworkers. He said he loved his partner with his heart and soul and didn't want to hide it anymore. That's what I hope to find. How about ... Heart and Soul?"
The table of men looked at each other. We slowly nodded.
"It works for me," I said.
"I like it," Don said, and Cooper agreed.
Brad brought tarts to the table. They smelled heavenly.
"Ohhh, wow," Lorenzo said. "I see why you guys come here."
"Told you," said Brad, topping off our coffee. "Orgasmic. Penny only makes those a few times a year. They take longer than our usual pastries."
We all smiled.
I felt I had made another big step of progress, but there was still a long way to go.
—
Cooper, Larry and Corey arrived at our house for dinner.
"Thank you so much for helping us design the flier, Corey," I said.
"No biggie. We had to do this a couple of times in school."
We led him to the office. Don had confirmed it had the software that Corey needed.
"What do you want this to look like?" he asked.
"Well, I want the name big, and then ... here ... this is the message. We need the address and times on there too."
"Mm. Okay." He looked at all of us and flipped his wrist shooing us all away.
We smiled and went to the living room.
"Thanks for inviting us to dinner," Larry said.
"Are you kidding?" Don remarked. "We are so grateful to Corey for helping us."
"He's a great kid," Larry said.
"He's doing so well at school. He's made straight A's all year. Of course, he'd cringe if he heard me say that. Thankfully he's out of earshot," Cooper softly explained.
"I'll go check on dinner," Don said.
"Anything we can do?" Cooper offered.
"No, I just want to top off the casserole."
Fifteen minutes later Corey called us back to the office. We all gazed at his work on the screen.
"I put the name of the group in bright red. It symbolizes the word heart, and warm colors advance, making it pop. The contrast on black helps that. I fit the message here with softer colors."
We all read it aloud: "No matter what time in life you are coming out, find a place to belong. Share. Listen. Be a part of a community. Heart and Soul is a safe space, judgement free. All are welcome."
"This looks great, kiddo," I enthusiastically said.
"I love how the address and times appear on the gradated rainbow," Don said. "Look at your throwing in gay symbolism."
"I'm kind of around gay people a lot," Corey flatly said.
Larry kissed the top of his head. "Kinda."
"Oh, damn!" I paused. "I mean ... dang. I forgot to say `Free' in the wording. Crap. And you already made it."
"Oh, please," Corey said.
We watched him type in a box, move it around and a minute later he had it positioned just where I had pointed.
He saved it and then pulled out a flash drive. "You can print it on any four-color printer or take it to a professional printer if you want it glossy."
"Wow. I can't thank you enough," I said.
"Dinner's enough. It smells good."
We all went to the dining room. Before long, our plates were full, and we enjoyed the meal my partner had fixed.
"I am so thankful for your help, Corey. Again, it means a lot to me," I said.
"Does all this we are doing even make sense to you?" Don asked.
Corey didn't answer at first. I could tell he didn't want to say something wrong.
"Years ago, when Dad was ..." Corey stopped. There were several words that could complete that sentence that were unflattering to Cooper. "... hurting, it was like he was a different person than the one I knew. He didn't treat me badly, but he ... was so distant. I felt like I didn't know him. When Mom and Dad split ... and I learned why ... I could tell Dad was himself again. I saw who he was."
Cooper put his hand on his forehead and looked forlorn. Those were his toughest years.
"I knew he was who he was supposed to be, so I was okay with everything. I mean ... I wanted him to be back home. I wanted him to get back together with Mom, but I knew that wasn't possible. I understood that much. But I could tell how important it was for him to be himself." Corey looked at Don. "So, yeah. I get it. I can understand how talking things out could be helpful."
"I tip my hat to you. You are an amazing young man," Don said.
"Hardly. I'm average. I like your casserole, by the way."
—
The fliers had been posted for three weeks. We waited until after Memorial Day to begin having the meetings.
Cooper and I arrived at the community center twenty minutes before the first meeting began. He knew the coffee maker there from AA and began brewing a pot of Joe. Both of us carried folding chairs from the closet. We decided a circle was better than theater style.
"How many should we set up?" I asked.
Cooper scanned the room. "How about twelve? If it is a small group, then the few empty chairs won't really matter. We can always add more."
"What if no one shows up?" I said nervously.
"Then the three of us will enjoy a nice, intimate conversation," Lorenzo said as he entered the room.
I breathed a little easier seeing a third person. But again, I worried: what if no one showed up?
I felt like a grade school kid who worried no one would come to their birthday party.
Five minutes before 7, Don walked in.
"Hi! I didn't expect you. What about your committee meeting?"
"I ducked out a little early to come here and support you."
I kissed him. "You're so sweet. Thank you." I looked at the chairs. "I'm not sure anyone will come."
"It is the first night. We might have to give it time."
But I worried no one would come. If we expected people to come just from fliers, were we being realistic?
Then a man came in. We said hello and encouraged him to get a cup of coffee. A minute later, another man came in.
I breathed a sigh of relief. Not that the room was packed. There were only six men — and four of us were from my own circle of friends. Still, a couple of men came.
A few minutes after 7, I encouraged everyone to take a seat. Everyone had a cup of coffee in hand. As I was just about to start, I saw someone in the hallway peer in. He seemed hesitant to come in.
"Please join us," I said in my friendliest voice.
"Oh. I'm ... uh ... I'm not sure if I-" the man stumbled.
"All are welcome. Please join us."
Almost as if overcoming a ball-and-chain clamped to his ankle, the man slowly came in. He sat in a chair that left empty chairs on both sides.
I smiled and nodded.
"Okay. Well, this is our first night together. I'll introduce myself. I'm Emory. Heart and Soul is a safe space; there's no judgement. This is a group where you can just share what's on your mind. It's a place to be heard. We're not AA. We don't have chips or repeat back names or anything like that. It's a place simply to feel like you belong."
A few men nodded. In that moment, I wished we had made a sign of "rules" or lack of rules, just understanding.
"I'll start," Cooper said, and I was appreciative that he got things going. "I'm Cooper. I was married to a woman for thirteen years. We have a son together. After about ten years, I became acutely aware that I was attracted to men. I slowly realized that I was unquestionably gay — and to be honest, I'm shocked I was able to ignore it for as long as I did. I tried to push any homosexual thoughts away for years. I grew up in a religious household, so such thoughts were very taboo for me. But they were there."
The small gathering of men gave Cooper their undivided attention.
"Things were going well with my job. We'd have business meetings and ..." He paused. "I didn't drink growing up. I felt peer pressure to join my colleagues as drinks were served at our meetings with clients or with dinners afterward. Oddly, I developed a taste for it quickly. Which was unfortunate."
I knew where this was going.
"Our customers — we called them clients — were usually men, even though we did have some women. Over the years, several were really good looking. I found myself staring at them, drawn to them. When I felt that way, I'd have a second drink. I couldn't stop thinking about them, wanting to be with them. I didn't want gay feelings — but I was having them. A lot of them. Ignoring them wasn't an option anymore. The more I admitted it to myself, the more I knew I needed a way out. But there wasn't one. I thought drinking was the solution. And ... I realize this isn't an AA meeting ... but I developed a problem. It ruined my marriage. When I started drinking at home, my wife became unhappy. Our marriage wasn't good. I thought being gay was ruining my life."
Don knew Cooper's story but had never heard him speak of it so openly. I could see empathy on my partner's face.
"Once I admitted to myself that I was truly gay, I was in my 30s. My life sort of fell apart. Financially, the divorce was a huge obstacle. I only got to see my son every other weekend. I didn't see a path forward for me. The gentleman who was my boyfriend at the time, he ... he was my rock. He helped bring me into the gay world. He unfortunately cheated on me after a couple of years. Although, in time ... we have renewed our friendship, at that time, I felt very lost. I thought it was too late for me to find myself in the gay world. But thankfully, I found the right fit as partners go. Neither of us were even looking. It just happened. I couldn't be happier. My son loves him. I am so grateful that we found each other. But even before that, when I finally admitted who I was, I was just so happy that I didn't have to lie; I didn't have to hide. Even losing my home and knowing my marriage had ended, there was still something in me that was happy to be just me. It wasn't sunshine and butterflies, but I was me."
Cooper stopped talking. I thanked him for sharing.
The nervous gentleman saw we all had coffee and got up to get a cup for himself.
"I'll go next," Lorenzo said. "I'm Lorenzo. Unlike Cooper, I haven't found the one I am supposed to meet. I'm hardly out. I told my parents. I turned 45 just a few weeks ago. I was so upset — more like disgusted — with myself. I was hiding. I was a liar. I'd slink into gay bars, but that was it. When sexual pressure built up, I'd hookup with someone. But it wasn't me. No one knew me. I was just ... someone to suck. Or fuck."
Lorenzo sighed.
"Things didn't go really well when I told my parents. Dad handled it better. I haven't spoken to my mother since. She wanted me to ... fake it, I guess. Pretend to be straight. She just doesn't want a gay son. I asked my father if he told my brothers and sister. He said he would let me do that. It's odd that I'm in my mid-40s and need to tell my siblings who I really am."
The nervous gentleman looked intently at Lorenzo.
"I guess I'll tell them this weekend. As painful as it is, I think I will still feel better afterward. I've just lied. For. So. Long. I want to be done."
There was a pause after Lorenzo finished.
"I'll share. Hi, I'm Anthony. I was brought up in a small town in Indiana in the 1990s. Puberty hit, and I realized that I was gay but did not want to be. Denial reigned until I was 38 years old. By which time, I had been married for 14 years and had a daughter of 7 years. So, I can relate to Cooper. I had had hook ups with men but remained totally closeted until one day in February this year. It all came out when my ex-wife was questioning some of my movements."
Anthony took a sip of his coffee before he continued.
"Life fell apart. I was made redundant from my job, got divorced and came out within one month. I did seek the help of a therapist, but I was off the rails for a long time. My life was a mess. I guess it still is. But when I look back at February, things seem a little better now. I'm not in a good position financially, and I'm not in a real relationship, but things don't seem as helpless as they did months ago."
We weren't sure if he was finished.
"Thank you," he confirmed.
"My turn, I guess," another gentleman said. "I'm Morris. I'm 52 and I came out a year ago. My family has cut me off. My nieces and nephews are still close. I'm grateful for that. All those years I tried to convince myself I wasn't gay. Even a couple of my girlfriends picked up on it. They'd see the way I looked at guys and then told me I was gay. I insisted I wasn't. Imagine that. I was so far in my own personal denial."
Morris' eyes became watery.
"I guess I'm angry at my family. I'm mad that they can't accept me. I guess they feel deceived that I didn't tell them until after I was 50. I just didn't want to. I didn't want to deal with the drama. It was easier NOT to tell them. Or so I thought. After a while, I got tired of switching pronouns and steering conversations around my social life. I would want to tell stories, but then I realized I'd have to talk about a man in my life, and ... then after a while, it became too hard. I just wanted to be done with it.
"But they chose to be done with me." Morris dabbed his eyes with his napkin. "However, my friends have been great. I have felt support and love from them. They are like a second family. Because of them, I know I will be okay.
"Thanks."
"Thank you for sharing, Morris," I said. "And don't be surprised if your family eventually comes around."
Don had not said anything. As glances looked his way, he suddenly got flustered. "Oh. I'm ... uh ... I'm here just to support my partner. I don't really have a story. I ... I knew early on I was gay, so ..." My partner paused. "But I will say this. I was not good at choosing love interests. My luck had them moving away or being married or just ... wanting friends with benefits. But ... after half a year, I feel I hit the jackpot with this guy," he said gesturing to me. "Now we are two and a half years in. So, if I have anything to say, it would be that even if love comes later in life, it's still wonderfully welcome."
"Well, I'm not exactly a j_ackpot_, but I do love him to the fullest," I gently told the group.
The gentleman who joined us last looked at us. "Oh. I'm ... I don't really have anything to say. I was just ... encouraged to come and ..." He froze.
"That's okay," I said. "Everyone is welcome. There is no obligation to say anything. I'm thinking that following these sessions, we can simply go out afterward to a more enjoyable setting, maybe sometimes for burgers, sometimes for ice cream, sometimes for a drink. This is actually our first meeting, so we get to see what works for us and what might not. I realize not everyone has as much free time as a retired person like me, but ... if people are interested ...?"
"I would," Anthony said.
"Sir, at least tell us your name," I said to the quiet person.
"It's – it's Scott," he quietly said.
"We're glad you're here, Scott."
"Anthony, where might you like to go?"
"How about a slice of pie from Jaunita's Bakery on Eighth. They're open until 9."
"Sold!" Don said. "I'm always up for pie."
People shifted their weight to start to stand.
"Um. I ... can I change my mind?" Scott said. "Can I say something?"
"Of course," I replied. "We have plenty of time. Go ahead."
Everyone settled their weight back in their chairs to give Scott their full attention.
"I know this is sort of a group for people who came out later in life. Well, I don't know if I really belong here."
"Everyone is welcome," I repeated.
"I was encouraged to come. But I'm not out. My cousin goes to Indigo all the time. He's gay. His ... he calls it his gaydar ... went off on me, and we had a talk a year ago. I admitted I was confronted with feelings for men. We've talked from time to time, but ... I'm married. I actually took my ring off before coming into the building because I ..." Scott buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"It's okay," Cooper said. "I've been there. I get it. I understand you."
"I don't know what to do," he said lifting his head. His eyes were watery. "I hate tearing my family apart. I don't want to cheat on my wife. But my insides are ... on fire. I feel things for men I see, men I work with. But I made a vow when I got married. I'm just completely lost."
"Obviously, none of us are counselors here," said Cooper. "But we are listeners, and we also understand. Even if we don't have all the answers, hopefully being able to say that out loud was helpful."
Scott took a deep breath. "It was. I'm kind of surprised I was able to."
"Does your wife know?" Lorenzo asked.
"I don't know. We haven't talked about it. Our sex life has been horrible for more than a year. Not nonexistent but close. She might suspect. I never know when I might be giving her clues. But we haven't discussed it."
"My friend, you are NOT alone, by any means," Cooper said.
"Thank you," he softly said, looking down.
"How about you join us for pie," Don asked.
Scott nodded.
"Sadly, I'd LOVE to join you, but I have to get back home to get some things done before I turn in. I have to be at work early," Morris said.
"Maybe next time," I said, and he nodded.
"Shall I go on and get a table for six?" Don asked.
"Sure. Emory and I will finish up the room," Cooper said. "If anyone wants to top off your coffee, I'll dump it in a few minutes, so don't let it go to waste."
A few minutes later, it was just Cooper and me but Lorenzo turned at the doorway and came back to me.
"Thank you for doing this, Emory. I know it wasn't just for me, but ... It kind of feels like that to me — in a good way."
"You're welcome. It wasn't really a big group. Did you find it helpful at all?"
"I thought it was great. Like you said, it was just a safe space. Sometimes, that's enough. That's all you need."
"What do you think, Cooper? Compared to your AA meetings ...?"
"Well, apples and oranges. But the main thing is the support. I think it went fine. It was the very first meeting after all."
"Maybe it will grow. But I don't know. It's hard to tell how many people out there just need to find a place to belong. I'm not sure how they would find us. Maybe word of mouth. We'll see."
"And if it's just us, then we're enough," Lorenzo said.
"Yes, we are, my friend." I smiled at him.
For the next hour, we enjoyed conversation over pie and ice cream, most of which wasn't about being gay. It was just a gathering of new friends.
* * * *
See more about this chapter at the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com
The post is called "New Arc."
Email: timothylane414@gmail.com