Jason's Tears

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to any person, whether living or dead, is purely accidental and unintended. Copyright is retained by the Author and reproduction or distribution, in any form and whether for profit or not, without the written permission of the Author, is forbidden,

If reading this type of literature is forbidder in the area where you live, you proceed at your own risk.

This story is intended for those who have a moderate grasp of English and like a story in which there may be some sex. Any word you do not understand can be found in the Pocket Oxford Dictionary 1992 edition gspencer@amitar.com.au

Jason's Tears

(Found during renovations of an old house)

Jason is sitting on the bed and Brian is holding him in his arms. I am writing this down because Jason can't write. What I mean is Jason is not able to write about this, he falls into deep depression whenever he sits down at the keyboard. His therapist wants him to write this story in the hope that it will help him get his life back together. He just fell apart when Arnold died. My cousin Brian is helping all he can, but he is afraid to leave Jason alone when he starts to talk about this, so he sits there and holds him and I agreed to do the writing. Arnold was my brother and he died when a motorist ran a red light and took him out, on a pedestrian crossing. It is hard for me to write this and remember Arnie, my lovely young brother, but it must tear Jason apart because Arnold was like a god to him. He was his lover, his protector, his best friend and his major reason for living.

I will write a little bit about myself and Brian as I go along, but this is for Jason and most of it will be in his words. Jason is eighteen now and is still only 5'1" tall. The doctor says he may grow another inch by the time he is twenty-one, but he is not very hopeful. He is 130 lbs and that is the heaviest he has ever been. He is only that heavy because Brian just about force-feeds him. He was almost a shadow when Brian came, we had tried everything we could think of to get him to eat, and we had given up and were almost resigned to him starving himself to death. Brian has some magic that only he can work on Jason, and there is a slim chance that he may begin to live life again with Brian beside him.

I pray every night that something will happen to bring our Arnold's "Beautiful Little Man" back to us again. Before all this happened he used to make us all feel so happy and contented, just being around him. Even when the bullies were picking on him he still managed to bring a smile to so many faces. I love him and I want him back again so I pray that Brian can work his magic on that too. That is why I am here writing. Dustin.

I can still remember the first time I saw Arnie. I was in the queue to get our textbook list, on the first day of High School. He looked enormous and he had lovely dark brown hair and a kind smile. He was in the next queue to mine because he was Ratzinger and I was Albemarle. Even when I got so afraid of bullies, and tried to hide away, I was never afraid of Arnold. I was too shy to speak to him but I was never afraid of him. I used to sit behind him in class and think how beautiful he was, and he was always kind to me.

My first year was pretty good, some of the kids were mean to me but no one hit me. The big kids just treated all Year Eights as if they didn't exist so there was no bullying from them. It was not until Year Nine that thing started to go bad. Dad said it was just boys feeling their oats, and it was years before I worked out what he meant. I know I am pretty immature but I was a good student and got top marks in everything except maths. Being the littlest kid in class, in fact in the whole school, was a nuisance at first because I could never see around the other kids, but when I was still the littlest kid in school in Year Nine, things began to go pear shaped. I didn't think about sex and I didn't know how to wank until Arnie taught me. I don't ever remember having a wet dream, but I might have and just not recognised it. I remember having wonderful dreams about being on a Pirate ship and being the Captains best mate. He would tell me what to do and I would go and tell the others, and they would all jump to it. There were lots of other dreams. There was a dream where I was shipwrecked on a coral island and the Native Chief took me in and made me his best friend, I used to sit beside him while he issued orders, but he never gave any to me. Two things were always the same about all those dreams, there were never any girls and I was never in charge. Even when I was Robinson Crusoe and had built my own house, the Captain of the rescue ship came and got me himself and made me his best friend.

I am an only child and I came fairly late in mum and dad's life. They love me very much and they were so thrilled to have a child at last that they spoiled me a bit. Not that they gave me everything I wanted, or let me get away with bad behaviour, they were just--- always there for me. Whenever I needed something, or needed to go somewhere, they were always there. I could ask them anything and they would always answer me, or find out the answer if they didn't know. They always had time for me and never pushed me away. Dad was always happy to make time to play with me and I never realised that I needed friends until he introduced me to Justin. Mum told me that I was just like her grandfather and that I would probably never grow to be a big man like dad.

Justin lived in the next street and he went to my school, but I had never met him. I vaguely remember seeing him in the playground, but I was too shy to make friends, even in Year Five. Not that I didn't join in games or swap cards, or other treasures, but only at school. Other kids went to each other's houses to play and went places together, but I just stayed home. I never had the courage to approach anyone and they just seemed to look right through me. Not that I was unhappy at home, I just didn't feel the need for other people. It wasn't until Justin took me under his wing that I found out how nice other people could be and I began to enjoy their company.

I think dad found out that Justin went to my school when he was talking to the neighbour over the back fence, but how he got Justin to be my friend and why Justin agreed I never found out, not that I ever asked. One Saturday dad walked in with this boy from school following behind.

"Jason this is Justin and he is going to be your friend and play with you and show you how to do all the things that boys do."

So there I was making my first real friend at ten years old. I had no idea what friends did together when they were not at school, but that didn't trouble Justin; he always knew what to do.

"Come on, let's play Soccer."

"How do you play that?"

"Never mind. I'll teach you later. Let's play catch instead."

That is how it went for the next four year, until I met my Arnie. Justin was always including me in everything. It did not matter to him that I couldn't catch or kick a Soccer ball straight or climb a tree very well, from then on I was Justin's friend. He introduced me to Paul and Joseph, both of whom lived close by, but I had never met them, and they made me do all sorts of things I would never have thought of before I met them. Sometimes they would make jokes about me, but they were never mean to me or teased me. They were the ones who took me to swimming classes and who made me practise until I became really good. Sometimes they would joke that it was the stupidest thing they ever did, because the water was the one place where I soon left them far behind. Justin was a good swimmer but he was a sprinter. I soon developed into a distance swimmer, and when I got to High School, I also took up diving.

Primary School was a ball for me from then on. I was always top or second in every subject and I had Justin, Paul and Joseph to drag me into all sorts of kids escapades. Mum and dad were beaming whenever I brought my friends home. I know they were happy because they told me. High School split us up. Because some stupid bureaucrat had drawn a line down the middle of a map, Paul and Joseph had to go to one school and Justin and I had to go to another. To add insult to injury, Justi was on one bus rout and I was on another. There was never any trouble when I was on the School bus because the driver was very strict, but when I went to practise and caught the ordinary bus, that was when they could get to me. Mondays were not a problem because Justi had Swimming practise at the same time and came home with me, but I also did diving and I was on my own on Wednesday and Friday.

I often wonder if I would have had so much trouble with bullies if Paul and Joseph had been there to back Justin up, but then I might never have found the courage to speak to Dustin and then I would never have met my lovely Arnie.

Hi I have to wait until Brian calms Jason down before I can go on, so I might as well fill in time with some thoughts of my own.

Brian is the first person who has been able to break through the wall of Jason's grief. I can't guess if Jason might possibly fall in love with Brian, but I know Brian is in love with Jason. I can see that same look on his face that Arnold used to have. The way he smiles when he is watching Jason is that same goofy smile that Arnold used to get. I watch the protective way he puts his arm around him, and shifts things, just in case Jason bumps into them. I know Mr and Mrs Albemarle see it too. I noticed, at dinner tonight, that there is hope in their faces. It is the first time I have seen that since the funeral. By the time the funeral was held it had all evaporated from them. I won't go into details, but the funeral was a nightmare. Everyone was feeling pretty bad about things to start with; they were all trying to cope with their own feelings of grief and loss. But when they looked a Jason and what it did to him, they just fell apart. Samantha won't come over here with me; just looking at Jason grieving has her in tears. Not that she has stopped loving him, any more than I have, she just can't look at him without it breaking down her own defences.

None of his friends have abandoned him. They have been here for him every step of the way. Justin, Angelica, Joseph, Paul, Angelo, Robert, Jessica, Louise and Horgan our older brother. They have all been here and held him in their arms and let him soak their shoulders with his tears. The J Squad asks after him regularly and have all paid him a visit or two. They all knew we needed a miracle to stop J man sinking deeper and deeper into depression and it was Angelo who set the miracle in motion. He remembered how much Jason had enjoyed Brian's visits. He was reminiscing about this when both he and Horgan were here comforting Jason. As Horgan tells it, the story goes like this.

"Angelo was rabbiting on about how Jason had enjoyed Brian's visits and the blindingly obvious suddenly struck me. Brian, our horse whisperer cousin, was gay. No wonder he did not visit as often as he used to, it must have been uncomfortable for him seeing Arnold and Jason together, when he was stuck up country with no one to share with. There were probably some gays in the town but they were all too scared to admit it. Perhaps he could get through where we had all failed. It was worth a try, I had to ring him. I dumped Jason in Angelo's lap and dragged out my mobile phone. I was lucky enough to catch him before he went out to the shed to work on a tractor, and I told him that I needed to talk to him about Jason, I would be up Saturday morning and, if he was agreeable, I would bring him back with me. I left before dawn and drove like a bat out of hell. When I told them the story Uncle Jake was not too happy about Brian going off, but Aunt Mary was on our side. Brian was packing a bag almost before we had finished talking. We were back here by midnight on Saturday."

By Monday night Brian was installed in the Albemarle's spare room, and he has lived here for the past three months. I have just realised that he has his clothes in this room now; he must be sleeping with Jason. I will ask him about it later. The Albemarls refuse to take anything from mum and dad for board and even tried to persuade Brian to take payment for what he was doing. He was just as stubborn as they were in refusing that. Everyone has seen how Jason has improved from that day until now, and they can't thank Angelo and Horgan enough, for bringing it about.

Jason is almost ready to go on so I need to give him my attention. Dustin.

The bullying really started at the end of year eight, when Joe and Willy started calling me names and making jokes about my size. They just kept getting worse and worse. Justin tried to stop them and to keep it inside the Swimming Team, but they started calling me names in class and in the halls. Justin said they were jealous because I was such a good swimmer and they were only on the team because they filled a couple of gaps in our line-up. I don't know if that's true or not but they soon got other bullies thinking of me as an easy target. The really bad physical stuff didn't start until the beginning of year nine, but they still had me in tears a few times before we broke up for Christmas. I asked dad about it and he said to be patient and they would grow out of it.

After the holidays things began to get worse. Willy and Joe never went past verbal abuse and Coach was pretty quick to jump down their throats if he heard any of it, so I think that kept them in line. I wish he had been able to do that to some of the others. The worst two were Fred Jenkins and Harold Pokolbin. They always hung around with each other and they were bigger than Justin, but not as big as Arnie. There were several others who would punch me in the arm or in the back, and call me fag and pussy-wussy. I always had a few bruises for Coach to see when I was stripped. He began to worry about me and was always asking me who gave me the bruises. I could never remember which bruise came from which bully so I just told him I couldn't remember. I do remember one day, about the middle of the year, when my bruises were so bad that my pool times were all shot to pieces. Justin and I had to convince him that it was the kids at school, and not my parents who were giving me the bruises. He rang my parents after dinner, that night, and asked them if they knew what was going on. I had never told them so they had no idea and they were upset to think that I had never told them. I pointed out that I was just being patient and waiting for them to grow out of it. Dad was upset because I couldn't see that he didn't mean they had the right to hit me.

Dad rang the headmaster and Mr Wallace the next day and told them they had three weeks to come up with some way of keeping me safe at school or he would take me out and send me to another school. I think he also told them that he would write to the Minster and the Director of the Board of Education, giving them the reasons why. On Friday there was a School Assembly before classes and the Head was pretty strong in telling everyone what he would do to bullies if he caught them and what he thought of people who discriminated against other people for any reason. Unfortunately he told the whole school what had happened to me and how it was affecting my swimming, and that got me labelled as a tattletale and a dobber. It had the opposite effect to the one he intended.

It got pretty bad that day and every time I was alone one or other of the bullies found me and gave me a new bruise or two and a mouthful of abuse. By the time school was over I was pretty battered. I headed down to the Gym for practise and I was in the blind spot between the toilets and the Gym when Harold and Fred caught me. They really laid into me, and left me crying and barely able to drag myself to the Gym door. The Coach took one look at me and almost hit the roof. He had people running everywhere and the Football Coach and the whole senior team came running. The Assistant Sports Master was the football coach and also qualified in St John First Aid. He checked me over and pronounced me free from any serious injuries but suggested I be taken to the hospital to check for hairline fractures or concussion. While this was going on, Coach Wallace had assembled every single kid who was there for any sport and began to lecture them. He was in a towering rage and his face was almost purple. He kept having to wipe froth from the sides of his mouth as he talked. I could see some of the kids faces and they looked nervous, almost scared. He told them that he had no intention of losing one of the best swimmers the school had had in years and that he was giving them all his instructions. If the bullies were going to ignore the headmaster then it was up to all of them to keep me safe. He expected them to watch me every minute I was in school and to stop anyone from touching me. If they were too small to stop an older or larger boy, then they were to get the help of a senior. He realised that they would be in danger themselves if they were seen talking to a teacher, and he was sorry that the Head had mentioned me by name because he had been expecting some bad reactions, but he had never expected it to go this far. As far as he was concerned the football team could thump a bully until he was half dead and he would take the responsibility for it as Coach and the person issuing the instructions. Mr Mills interrupted him to ask for me to be taken to the hospital and he asked for a volunteer from those of the seniors who had cars. Mr Mills wrote out a letter to be given to the hospital and Dustin got the job of taking me in. I didn't hear the rest of the lecture but Arnold and Justin told me he said the same thing to every team in every sport for the whole of the next week.

Dustin got me talking while we were driving in and I told him about Harold and Fred. As I was telling him the tears started again and he pulled into a parking spot and held me in his arms, wiping away my tears with his handkerchief. He was huge and he was strong, but he was so gentle and kind that it felt like my dad was holding me. He stayed with me while they did the x-rays and checked for concussion and he told the hospital that he had been given strict instructions that he was to be with me whenever there was not a doctor present. I think he fibbed a bit but it made me feel really special that he would do that for me. The Doctor thought I had mild concussion and told me to stay in bed and rest for the next three days. Dustin drove me straight home and told my mother what had happened. He told me he would bring my books over the weekend and I was not to worry, he would tell Coach everything. No matter what else happened, this would never happen again. The painkillers began to kick in and I got sleepy while we were talking. Dustin picked me up like I was a baby and carried me into my bedroom. I don't think he even noticed the weight. I know he took off my shoes and socks, but I was asleep before either he or mum removed my trousers and shirt and tucked me into bed.

The next morning I had to tell mum and dad everything that had happened. They were impatient to know but they had to wait for me to have breakfast as I was starving, having missed eating the night before. Mum cooked me pancakes to follow the bowl of cereal and then we sat down to talk. I told them everything that had happened from the assembly until Dustin had brought me home. Dad's mouth was hanging open when I told him what I could remember of the coaches lecture to the teams, especially when I told him the part about thumping the bullies until they were half dead. He asked me what I thought about leaving that school and going to a private school. I began to cry at the thought of leaving Justin and having to make new friends, because I still only had four friends that took any real notice of me. Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. Dustin had come to deliver my bag. When mum brought him in, there was Arnold standing right beside him. I had no idea that Arnold was Dustin's brother. They were both very big for their age but Dustin has red hair and freckles on his turned up nose, while Arnold had dark brown hair and a straight nose. It was not until I saw them side by side that I could see they were brothers. When they had been introduced to dad, Arnie saw I had been crying and came over and put his arms around me very gently so as not to hurt my bruises.

"I wish I had realised what they were doing to you. I would never have let it happen. Don't cry you beautiful little guy, I'll stay with you every minute of the day. They'll never come near you again. I'll even go to the bog with you. Please Jason don't cry."

I did cry. Somehow being held by my Arnold was different to anything I had ever felt before. I buried my head in his shoulder and let out all the anger and frustration and fear in buckets of tears that soaked his shirt. Arnold never moved a muscle until I was finished. Then he looked me in the eye and smiled.

"Feeling better now?"

I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him. "Thank you Arnold, but now I've got your shirt all wet."

"Don't worry. I'd feel like a wuss if I complained about that after all you've been through."

I looked at his face and there was a big smile on it. I looked up and Dustin and dad had big smiles on their faces. Mum was in the kitchen so I don't know what she thought. I stood up but I was rather unsteady on my feet. Arnold caught my shoulders and steadied me. I looked up at him and suddenly realised I loved him. It was a big shock and I sat down again very suddenly. Dad told me to lie on the lounge and he would get me a blanket and pillow. Dustin said he thought I was too unsteady to walk so he just picked me up again, as if I were a feather, and carried me over to the lounge. I was all embarrassed, since I only had my briefs and a dressing gown on and I still had not had a shower. Arnold was looking worried. Dad tucked the blanket around me and told Arnold I would be fine in a few days and he brightened up. Mum came in with coffee for the three of us and soft drink for Arnold and Dustin. She also brought a big plate of biscuits. We sat around and talked, or rather they talked and I dozed off with my coffee half drunk.

When I woke up it was one o'clock and the Ratzinger's had gone home for lunch. Mum and dad had eaten their lunch since they had no idea how long I would sleep. Dad helped me to have a shower because he was worried about me falling. I was feeling much better when I had my lunch. The next day I was much steadier on my feet but I was still very tired and slept a lot, at least I could do without pain killers, they made me very dopey. I spent most of the day on the lounge. I woke up around four o'clock on Sunday and heard voices at the door. It sounded like Justin, so I called out to ask if it was. He came running in and almost threw his arms around me, then he realised I was still bruised and he stopped himself. We chatted for a few minutes when there was another knock at the door. This time it was Arnold and Dustin. It turned out that they had all been told by their respective teams to bring a progress report on me when they went to school on Monday. Justin had not been at practise on Friday but he said that most of the team had rung him and told him what had happened and almost demanded that he bring them a report. Much the same thing had happened to Arnold, except that he could give them a progress report from what Dustin had told him and then from his own visit. Mum and dad just sat in the kitchen watching and smiling. Dad never asked me for the answer to his question about going to a private school. I think he could see I would be well looked after. Before they all left Arnold came to where I was lying on the lounge and held me again, he was so gentle.

"You get well soon little guy. We want you back at school. You've got Dusty and me now to back up Justin and we've got two teams to back us up. You'll never have to go through that again."

He was looking so serious and concerned that I just smiled and ran my hand down his cheek. It made me feel all faint and funny again but Arnie was smiling big time. I really did need to think about what I was feeling towards Arnold. Perhaps I should have a talk with dad and get him to help me sort it out. After dinner I whispered to dad that I wanted a man-to-man talk with him and he smiled at mum and told her we would talk in my bedroom .We had a really good talk and dad explained a lot of things to me about being attracted to Arnie. I was feeling really good after the talk and I knew that mum and dad would love me no matter what I decided. I told dad that I would just go along and see if I really was in love with Arnold or if it was just going to be a friendship like that with Justin, Joseph, Paul and Angelo. I told him I understood the word infatuation and that it was called puppy love or hero worship but I really didn't know what that meant as far as my feelings were concerned. He told me not to worry and to just go along with what I felt comfortable with. He would always be there to help me and explain. He reassured me that Justin, Arnold and Dustin would always be my friends, no matter what I decided. He did not know Joseph, Paul and Angelo well enough to be absolutely sure about them, but he thought they would be OK too, and it turned out he was right. When we went back to the kitchen for some cocoa, I saw him wink at mum and she smiled. I think they guessed something but I didn't know what it was until later.

Mum kept me home both Monday and Tuesday. Dustin brought Justin home both days and Arnold was always the first one to reach me when they came in. It was as if Justin and Dustin held back so that he could be first. Arnie looked worried until he had his arms around me to make sure I was alright, but Dustin and Justin had silly smiles on their faces. It felt so nice having his arms around me but it felt different to when dad or Justin or Dustin hugged me. I took dads advice and just let it happen. Whenever she saw Arnie with his arm around me, mum got that look on her face like mum's do when they see their kid do something cute. I didn't know what it meant but I knew she was happy. Tuesday I went to school and I had a senior waiting at the door of the bus to escort me inside. It was Robert Hapgood; he was one of Dustin's best friends even though he was in year eleven. I didn't realise what he was doing until I noticed he was following me. I suddenly got the shakes because I didn't know him and I thought he might be another bully. The tears came up in my eyes and I hung my head, expecting another beating. Suddenly Justin and Dustin and Arnold were there and Arnold was holding me, right in front of all those kids.

"Don't be frightened Jason, I'm here now. Robert is our friend and he was just guarding you until we got here. Please little man, don't cry."

He sounded so sad I thought he might cry himself. I couldn't help it. Arnie just made me feel so good. I smiled up at him and ran my hand down his face. He lit up like a Christmas tree and all the others had smiles on their faces. From that day on Arnold became my special friend and Justin stepped back and let him be, without the slightest trace of jealousy. It was as if he understood that Arnold did something for me that he could never do. I was introduced to Robert and told that I had to take my lunch to the oval because they were going to introduce me to all the people who had the job of keeping me safe, so that I would not be frightened again.

On Wednesdays I had Arnold or Justin in my first four classes. Arnold escorted me to second period and handed me over to Justin, before going to his own class. A lot of kids came up to me and told me how sorry they were for what had happened. I didn't know how so many people found out, but it was nice. Justin escorted me to fourth period and handed me over to Arnold. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed there was always a senior in the corridor keeping an eye on us. Then it was time for lunch. I went down to the oval with Justin on one side and Arnold on the other. All the kids kept well clear of us and I looked back to see there were two football players right behind us. By the time we got there, my mouth was hanging open and Arnie and Justi were giggling at the look on my face. Both the senior and the junior football teams were there and half the Swim team half the cricketers and some of the tennis players. There must have been nearly a hundred kids. Peter Johnson, who was a footballer and School Captain, came and took me by the hand. He walked to the front of the crowd and yelled at them to shut up. Then he lifted me onto his shoulder and began to walk around, he was almost as big as Dustin so I could see everybody.

"All of you know the job that Mr Wallace has given us. None of you would be here unless you had volunteered to do that job. This is Jason and our job is to keep him from getting punched out every day. I have given you all a copy of his schedule, so you know where he will be every day, and you know what days he has practise. I can't organise you into teams because I don't know your schedules, so you will have to talk it out among yourselves, but I want someone with him every minute of the day, even if you have to go into the toilets with him. Somewhere like the bog is an ideal place for some bully to ambush him, so I never want to see him go in there alone. If you have any problems come to me and I will go to Coach. Now introduce yourselves to him, so that he knows who his friends are."

Peter put me down and Arnold came running over to lead me to one of the benches at the side of the oval. He unwrapped my lunch for me and put it on my lap. Dustin, Justin, Peter and Robert all stood behind the bench and talked, every kid in the crowd came up and introduced himself, making sure I got a good look at him so that I would know him again. It made me feel very special and I was blushing a lot at some of their really nice comments. Then most of them went off to join their girlfriends who had gathered on the sidelines. A lot of the girls came up and introduced themselves and told me that they would watch out for me too, and they did. Dustin and Peter's girlfriends went around behind me when they had introduced themselves and stood with their boyfriends.

From then on, wherever I went in the school, there were always one or two people with me and often there was a whole crowd of both boys and girls. They would talk to each other and lark around and laugh, but nobody doubted why they were there. It was really embarrassing going to the loo when there was a whole crowd. They would stand around outside the door, waiting for me, and one of the big seniors would come and stand inside the door until I was finished or until he was sure I was alone. They were all so nice about it that I managed to get over my embarrassment but I was still pretty shy with them. They never seemed to mind and never gave me a hard time over it. They never gave Arnie a hard time either. He would be with me as often as he could and he always seemed to have an arm around me. I really enjoyed that. They didn't seem to notice it at all.

I remember one Saturday when Arnie and I were watching a cricket match on the School Oval, Justin was playing. Arnold had his arm around me as usual, and these two big kids, whom I had never seen before, walked up and started calling us fags and queers and making other nasty comments. I was feeling threatened and began to hang my head. Then I noticed a big pair of boots beside me and a pair of girls shoes along side them. The two boys went very quiet and I looked up to see what was happening. There was a big semicircle of school footballers and their girlfriends around us and Peter was standing right beside me. He spoke fairly quietly but there was venom in his voice.

"I don't know if they're gay or not but you had better understand this. Even if they are queers, they are OUR queers and you had better walk and talk very softly when you're around them."

Samantha let go of Dustin's arm and stepped in front of Arnie. "That goes for all of us too. Don't think it is only our boyfriends that will be watching you. We all love Arnold and Jason and if you lay a finger on Jason, or hurt him in any way, you will find that we can fight just as well as our men, and we will."

The two boys went white as sheets and backed away as quickly as they could.

Jason is very tired. Brian says it is time for bed. I will sleep in the spare bed to be here for Jason as soon as he is ready to continue. Dustin.

Hi

I spoke to Brian this morning, before Jason woke. There is nothing sexual between them, at the moment. Brian is sleeping with Jason because he feels that that is what Jason needs and, looking at the results, who can argue. Brian is wonderful with animals, he is the best horse gentler I have ever seen and he is in demand from everyone in the Shire, whenever they have a fractious animal of any kind. He can re-train dogs or work out what is upsetting a cow and causing milk loss, in fact he is a genius with animals. He is also a genius with Jason. He told me that if he had sex with Jason, as he is right now, he would be no better than a sheep dog which savaged a lamb and the only cure for that is for the dog to be put down. I am ashamed of my suspicions and I trust Brian to do the right thing for Jason. Brian would be delighted if Jason were to decide he could accept him in place of Arnold, but he will do what needs to be done regardless of the outcome. What a wonderful heart he has.

I thought we were going to start but Brian has been called to the phone, I think it is Uncle Jake. Jason will not start without Brian as I think he is telling this story to Brian, since he looks at him a lot while he is talking. Brian has a lot of the family characteristics and has hair like Arnold but he has a turned up nose like mine. He is the same age as me, three years older than Jason. He is not as tall as Arnold, but at 6' he is still a lot bigger than Jason. He is broad like all the family and he is very strong from years of farm work. Brian has come back and we will proceed. Dustin.

Coach would only let me do a light workout on the Wednesday and he apologised to me for not being able to get Harold and Fred suspended. He said that there was just no evidence except my word against theirs, and they denied they had touched me. He told me that he had issued instructions for them to be watched by every one of the team of volunteers and they would not be allowed near me again. Two of the Swimming Team escorted me to the bus and waited until I got on.

The same thing happened on Friday, but when I got off the bus and crossed over to the Service Station corner to catch the second bus I found Fred and Harold waiting for me. They were really mad at me for getting them into trouble and were sneering at me for how easily they had got out of it. Then they decided I needed another lesson and Fred held me while Harold punched me in the stomach. Suddenly it sounded like all hell had been let loose. Fred let me go and I fell down, crying. There were screams and howls and the sound of punches landing. Then there was someone holding me and kissing me and crying. I opened my eyes to make sure I was right, and I was, it was Arnold. All the other sounds had stopped except for two people sniffling. Arnold helped me to my feet and I saw Harold and Fred lying on the ground. Dustin had his foot on Fred and Peter had his foot on Harold. Samantha and Robert were there too. Samantha is a hockey player and she is big and strong and just the right size for Dustin, they will get married some day and their children will be huge just like their parents. Samantha rushed over and knelt down, wrapping me in a hug that knocked all the air out of me.

"You poor little sweetie. I wish we had been quicker. I gave them some really good punches for you. That's it no one is going to get to you again. Someone's going to drive you home after every practise. If they don't I'll tell all their girlfriends to dump them."

She kept her promise. A senior always drove me home after practise on Wednesday and Friday. Dusty drove me a lot but there were several others, and they were all nice to me.

Peter dragged Harold and Fred to their feet. "I thought you two may have learned your lesson and I was hoping you were apologising to Jason. It's my fault that we allowed you to hit him. Arnold wanted us to punch you out before Jason arrived but I was stupid, I wanted to give you a second chance. I won't give you another one. I'm issuing an order to the whole group, if they see you in the same shopping mall as Jason; they're to take you out. If they can see you and they can see Jason, even if he's half a kilometre away from you, they're to take you out. The only place you can be nearer is at school, and you'll be watched every minute you're there. You're going to feel as hunted as you've made Jason feel and it won't be an illusion."

Samantha had let me go by this time, and I could breath again. Fred and Harold were looking very much the worse for wear and both of them had their hands in their groin. I think it was Samantha who had done that to them, I can't think a boy would be that spiteful. Arnold put his arm around me and pulled me to him. He pulled my head to his chest with his other hand and then he laid his head on top of mine. I felt so loved and safe and comfortable. I put my hand up and stroked his cheek. I could feel that big beaming smile of his crinkling his face. Suddenly he stiffened and lifted his head. I turned my head and Fred and Harold were walking down the road, the others were all watching us, but they had smiles on their faces. Peter was the one who spoke.

"Never be ashamed of how you feel about Jason. We all feel the same and we're glad that you're there for him. No one is going to give you a hard time, and if they do they're going to have all of us on their case. He deserves all the love you can give him."

I blushed to the roots of my hair and they all started laughing. They dragged us over to the cars that were parked in the back corner of the Service Station, and Dustin drove me home.

When we got home Dustin parked the car and they all trooped in. Dustin apologised to mum for having let Harold hit me and promised that I would be escorted right home in future. He didn't tell mum what they had done to Harold and Fred. Just then dad came in. He had finished work a little early. He was introduced to Samantha and they told him the story. As soon as they had finished he came over to me and lifted my shirt to examine the new bruise, he had his arms around me in that cuddly way dad has and he was looking worried. I told him not to worry and then I told him what they had done to Harold and Fred and how Arnie had held me and made me feel safe, and what Peter had said. I told him that they had made me feel really loved and protected because I now had some wonderful new friends, especially Arnie. Dad was looking at the others so I looked too, and they had tears in their eyes. I thought I was the only one who did that and it surprised me. Arnie looked like he wanted to hold me, and dad smiled and nodded to him. He came over and wrapped his arms around me, and then he said.

"Jason you are a beautiful little man. You love everybody and you try to see the best even in scum like Harold and Fred. People have only got to show you the tiniest bit of kindness and you make them feel as if they've given you the world. No wonder everyone who's taken the trouble to get to know you has come to love you. Justin thinks you're the most beautiful person he's ever met and I think he's right. I want to be your special friend forever, would you let me be that?"

"Oh Arnie that would be wonderful, but I'm only doing what Mum and Dad taught me to do."

"My mum and dad taught me the same things but I can't do it the way you do. I don't know anyone who does it the way you do."

Dustin came over, knelt down, and put his arms around us. Samantha put her arms around us from the other side. Arnie never let me go and I put my arms around his neck. Then Dustin looked up at dad and asked him.

"Mr Albemarle, do you mind if I ask Jason a few questions?"

"Go ahead Dustin! I think you've earned that right by what you did for him today."

"Jason, Arnold is a homosexual, do you know what a homosexual is?"

"Yes. Dad explained it to me. It's when a boy falls in love with another boy instead of a girl. I asked him because I think I might love Arnold that way. I'm not sure but I know he's nicer than any of the girls at school and I think I love him even more than I love mum and dad and Justin."

Arnold began to cry and he hugged me even tighter and was kissing my cheeks and my eyes and my forehead. It was strange but it was nice. My face was all wet from his tears.

"Do you know what Arnold meant when he asked you if he could be your special friend forever?"

"I think I do, but I'm not too sure what special friends do. The kids at school keep talking about fags and cocksuckers and dung punchers, but I don't really know what they mean. I don't think I want to do the sex things but I want to be with Arnie and if I ever want to do sex things then I want to do them with Arnie."

Arnie hugged me so tightly I could hardly breath and he buried his face in my shoulder and began to kiss my neck. Dustin spoke to him and he loosened his grip so that I could breath.

"Arnold, will you wait for Jason to be ready before you experiment with sex? I know you're ready now but Jason isn't and it may be hard for you to wait."

"Dusty, I love him so much I'll wait for him forever. Just knowing he loves me will be enough for me to wank off to for years."

"I think that's a bit of wishful thinking, but I'll hold you to it."

"Dusty I love Jason. I will never do anything to hurt him. I feel so bad that we were not there in time to stop them punching him and I'm angry at Peter for stopping me."

"You had better get a few things straight young man. You have no right to be angry with Peter. We all feel bad that Jason was hurt but he was right to give them a second chance and you know that Jason agrees with that. Besides there have been two good things that have come out of it. Firstly, we have five witnesses to their assault on Jason. They can never claim innocence again and be believed. The second is that we know Peter and Robert are as comfortable with you being gay as your family is. Considering how they already feel about Jason, I think they will treat him with just as much respect and love when they find out about him. As to your never hurting Jason, that's just wishful thinking. I love Sam just as much as you love Jason, yet I've managed to hurt her several times. It has never been deliberate, it's been because of selfishness or thoughtlessness or ignorance, but I have still hurt her. We're still together because we've learned from our mistakes and we try never to repeat them. Jason is going to have to forgive you, just as Sam has had to forgive me, but you will have to admit when you are wrong and ask for forgiveness. If you are a big enough man to do that then you and Jason will be together as long as Sam and I have been. Now say goodbye to your boyfriend, it's time we were home."

"Before we go." Samantha interrupted. "Jason, no one is silly enough to pick on Arnold if they realise he is gay but they may pick on you. All my hockey team has guessed that you are gay and they are all comfortable about it. I've had a good talk with them all so I know it's true. They have all agreed that you can come to them if anyone is threatening you or making you feel uncomfortable and I think it will be a case of God help the poor silly fool who is responsible for it. If you can't see one of the boys then come to us and we will take care of it."

Dad walked over and hugged Sam while mum hugged Dustin, then they changed partners. Dad held Dustin at arms length and looked him in the eye.

"You handled that beautifully. Thank you for being so thoughtful and gentle with him."

"Mr Albemarle we all love Jason. Arnie was right; everyone who takes the trouble to get to know him can't help but love him. You must be wonderful parents to have brought up a person as sweet and forgiving as he is."

Dad blushed a little bit. The others may not have noticed but I did. He told mum afterwards that he was amazed that a big, very hetro young man would compliment him on raising a gay son. The best he had hoped for was acceptance, but he had never expected a compliment. Arnold was gently hugging me and kissing me all this time and I decided to hug him back and kiss him on the cheek and then on the nose, just the way he had done to me. I did it a few times, it felt very nice and I liked it until he got carried away. He got so excited and he hugged me so hard my ribs and all my bruises started hurting again. Dustin roared at him.

"Arnie! Put Jason down or you'll hurt him!"

Arnie almost dropped me and he looked very guilty.

"You have to be a lot more careful little brother. You don't know your own strength and Jason is not made of steel. Treat him a lot more gently or you'll do him some damage."

Arnie begged my forgiveness and I gave it to him. Then they all said their goodbyes and left. As they were going out the door Arnie said he would ring me after tea. When they had gone mum came over to me and cuddled me and gave me a great big smooch. She was crying a little bit but she was smiling too.

"My little lamb, you are a very lucky boy. You have made some wonderful and loyal friends in those three. It makes me very happy to know that if something did happen to us then you would not be alone and you would have people who loved you just as much as we do. I have been afraid for some time that, in the unlikely event of something happening to your father and myself, you would be left on your own and you would not be able to cope. Now that worry has been lifted."

I couldn't think of anything to say, so I gave her a kiss and a hug and a great big smile.

After dinner Arnie rang and asked me if I would like to go over there for lunch on Saturday, since he had told them we were boyfriends and they all wanted to meet me. I asked dad if I could go and he said it would be OK as long as I had finished my homework. I told Arnie and said not to come too early since I had a lot of things to do. I was finished and ready when he came at noon. Mum had made me put on a matching outfit of green shirt and shorts, she said it matched my eyes. She also made me ring Justi to tell him I would be going out. Justi was really happy when he heard I was going over to meet Arnold's parents and I told him I would give him the details of what happened on Friday when I saw him, and tell him how the visit went.

When Dustin pulled up at the Ratzinger's, the first person I saw was Samantha running down the path to meet us. She almost dragged me out of Arnold's arms and swung me around like a rag doll.

"They're going to love you Jasie. You look absolutely adorable."

Fortunately she put me down before all my stuffing started coming out and Arnie and I walked up the path arm in arm with Dusty and Sam arm in arm behind us. When we got to the door I stopped dead. I felt intimidated and insignificant. In the doorway was this HUGE man. It was Horgan and you know how much bigger than his parents he is. I was almost bursting into tears with fright. Arnie stepped up to him and gave him a shove.

"Get out of the way Horgan. Go and sit down somewhere you're frightening Jason."

This monster ambled out of the way and plonked himself down in a rocking chair. Arnie put his arms around me and cuddled me and kissed me on the cheek and made me feel better. Then he led me to the kitchen and introduced me to his parents. Pop took one look at me and then a look at Arnie and his mouth was hanging open.

"He can't possibly be in your class. He looks like he's only twelve, and a little twelve at that. Are you sure he is nearly fifteen?"

I felt like he had slapped me across the face. Arnie started to go red and look angry but it was Sam who got in first.

"Don't you dare make fun of Jason!" She was snarling like a lioness defending its cubs. "He can't help his size and he's had enough of people making fun of him. If you're going to make fun of him I'm taking him home and I'm never coming here again."

"David I'm ashamed of you!" Momma got into the act. "I thought you had enough sense to keep you mouth shut until you could say something intelligent. Arnold and Dustin have told you what this poor boy has been through and you open your mouth and add to his hurt. I'm disgusted."

Arnie had wrapped his arms around me and was holding my head to his chest. He was rocking me gently and I could feel his tears trickling down my hair. I put my arms around him and hugged him back. Pop knelt down and put his arms around us both.

"I'm sorry Jason. I didn't mean to be rude. Your Arnold's first boyfriend and I should have been more accepting. Can you forgive me?"

I nodded my head but I didn't lift my face from Arnie's chest, I felt betrayed. Dustin and Arnold had been so accepting that I expected their parents would be the same, but this man was not. If it had been a complete stranger I would have steeled myself for that sort of comment. I could forgive him but I was not sure if I could trust him.

"David! Get out of the way. You really have no idea how to treat people or what they need."

Momma lifted me out of Arnold's arms and held me like I was a little kid. She rubbed my back and made shushing sounds in my ear.

"You're safe here darling. I would never let anyone hurt Arnold's boyfriend. These big lugs just have no idea. They'll keep a civil tongue in their heads from now on or they'll answer to me. Don't you worry we'll all keep these two big fools from hurting you."

I felt better. She felt just like mum, only a lot bigger. I whispered in her ear.

"Now I know where Arnie got his pretty hair from."

She laughed and hugged me and swung around in a big circle, she put me down next to Arnie.

"Darling he is so sweet, you really did pick a good one. You look after him or I'll be on you tail."

Arnie was blushing. I think it is the only time I saw him blush.

"I will mum, he's my beautiful little man."

"Take him and show him your room and where the bathroom is. If I don't get some lunch on the table soon you will all be complaining you're starving."

Brian says it is time for our lunch, Jason needs a rest, so do I, this has been hard work. I am amazed that he has gone this long without breaking down. It must have something to do with the way Brian holds him and looks into his eyes, as if he is hanging on every word. I wouldn't be surprised if he was. I think he is even more infatuated with Jason than Arnold was, if that is possible. Dustin.

Hi.

Brian has taken Jason to the toilet. I am not game to go and see if he wipes Jason's bum for him. I think the real problem may be that Jason will not let Brian out of his sight. Brian doesn't seem to baby Jason the way Arnold did and all of us still tend to do, yet Jason seems to cling to him as if he were afraid Brian is going to vanish out of his life the way Arnold did. I do hope Brian is going to be able to get him over that. There is also the possibility that Jason is falling for Brian. I am not game to pass judgement on that either because it could just be dependence. I just have to trust Brian to recognise what Jason needs and provide it. No one else has had the success that Brian has had, including the Psychologist, so no one is in a position to criticize.

I have to admit that Jason is improving as he is telling Brian about his life with Arnold. It is almost as if my writing this was the excuse he needed to tell someone about it. I don't mind; I am willing to do anything to help. There are flashes of the old Jason beginning to come through. I am cautiously hopeful. They are on their way back. Dustin.

Arnie showed me his room and his awards and sports trophies. He showed me the pull out bed he had for when people stayed over, then he showed me where the bathroom was. I was rather shy but I didn't mind him watching out of the corner of his eye while I had a piss. After all we all do that at school. Then we had lunch. Horgan and Pop were pretty quiet at lunch but the rest of us had a really good talk. Momma served a lasagne in a giant baking tray and it didn't last long. Then we had bread and olives and that sort of stuff. Dusty was interested in my knowledge of Science Fiction. He was a fan but he had not read some of the authors that I had and I had to give him my opinion of how they compared to people like Asimov, whom he had read. I think I have read every author who has ever written Science Fiction. He had not even heard of some of them like Crowley, Aldiss and Van Vogt. Samantha was more interested in Fantasy and we got into a wild discussion over whether Anne Mc Caffrey and Ursula Le Guin were Science Fiction or Fantasy. Arnold was more interested in my swimming and diving and momma was interested in everything and joined in whenever she could get a word in edgewise. Lunch seemed to go on forever. We were having so much fun no one wanted to leave the table. Eventually momma chased us into the lounge so she could get the washing up done and she told Pop to leave us alone and help her.

Arnie and I sat on the lounge and he put is arm around me. Dusty and Sam sat on the floor and cuddled and Horgan sat in the rocking chair. It was not long before Horgan began to join in and I realised that he was really a big softy like Dustin. He was still pretty frightening because he is so huge, but I began to feel more comfortable with him. Horgan went out to get drinks for us all and I heard his loud comment to Pop and Momma.

"He might not be big but there's dynamite in that little guy. Arnie has found himself a real purler for a boyfriend."

When he came back and handed the drinks around he said to Arnold.

"Hang on to him little brother. He's worth fighting for. There's not another one like him in the world."

"I know Horgan, and I can hardly believe he loves me. It's just so much like a dream."

Dustin chipped in from the other side of the room. "It's not going to feel like a dream when you get into a fight. There are still plenty of people who will see him as an easy target and I can't always be there to help you out, although I'll try."

Arnie wanted me to stay the night but I said I hadn't asked permission so I thought I should go home and Dustin reminded him he had promised to go slow and wait for me. Mum and dad wanted to know everything and were pleased when I told them how nice momma had been. Justin came over on Sunday and I told him everything, including being frightened of Horgan. He didn't believe he was as big as I said so I told him to ask Arnold on Monday. His eyes bugged out when Arnie told him he is 6'8" and has the same proportions as Dustin. Arnie was the midget in that family, he ended up being only 6'2". Justin was pleased that Arnie and I were now boyfriends and that things had ended up so well with the Ratzingers.

Things went pretty well from then on. Even when the rumours about Arnie and I began to spread around the school, the J Squad as the kids called them, just ignored them and carried on as usual. They didn't confirm them and they didn't deny them, they just ignored them, even though at least half of them knew the rumours were true. Justin said Joe and Willy asked Mr Wallace if the rumour was true and Coach told them to mind their own business and do the job they were supposed to be doing. After swimming on that Monday, Coach sent me in to get showered and kept all the rest back. I couldn't hear properly over the noise of the shower but Justi told me he told them that he didn't care if I was bent like a corkscrew, I was one of the best swimmers and the best diver he had had in years. I was no threat to any one of them and if they did not want to be added to the list of people for the J Squad to watch then they had better keep their opinions to themselves. Since half the Swim Team was on the J Squad, there was no doubt which people he intended as targets for his remarks.

I asked dad and mum about sleeping over at Ratzinger's and they said we should wait a few weeks. They wanted Arnie to be able to sleep here as well. They would buy a bed for Arnie to sleep in, since I only had a single bed and there had never been any need for a spare bed. Grandma and Grandpa live in the next suburb so they never stay the night. Justi, Joseph and Paul only live a few streets away and I had never thought of inviting them to sleep the night. Angelo has to be at home to help his dad with the shop. A couple of weeks later they took out my single bed and put in a double bed. They said it would give me more space than two single beds. It took me nearly a year before I realised that they were trying to tell me they were OK with the idea of Arnie and I having sex. From then on we spent alternate Saturday nights at each other's houses. It was in this bed that Arnie taught me how to wank and a couple of months later we tried wanking each other. I had never done it before and it was a wonderful new experience for me.

At first my cum was thin and watery but after a few months it began to thicken up and look like Arnie's. There wasn't very much of it but Arnie said it didn't matter how much there was just as long as there was some. He was so kind and loving that I never felt afraid or embarrassed with Arnie. He never boasted about how much he could shoot or how often he could cum and he never made me feel as if there was anything wrong with me. It wasn't until just before he died that I realised I was very late in getting started and that I was below average in every department.

Mum took me to a specialist because I 'm so small. He said it was too late to start me on hormone treatment and I would just have to become a jockey. I think he was just trying to be funny. Mum and dad feel really bad about not realising sooner and taking me in for treatment. I tried to tell them it was not their fault and that I'm not unhappy, but they still feel guilty. Arnie must have known, because he was pretty smart, but he never let it make any difference to him. He was so kind and gentle. I loved him so much, and now he's gone.

Hi

Jason is in tears and Brian is having trouble getting him to calm down. I think it will be a while before we can go on so I will put in a bit of my own.

I had terrible trouble trying to keep Arnie from pushing Jason to do things before he was ready. That first nine months were a nightmare for me. Arnie had real trouble in controlling his hormones and it seemed like he wanked every few hours when he was home. That is probably an exaggeration but I sometimes wondered if he had it red raw or if he was going to pull it right off. There is no doubt in my mind just how much he loved Jason. He would sneak out in the middle of the night and whack off in the bathroom, just so that Jason would not be embarrassed by his lack of need for much sex, or think he was not satisfying Arnie. I had to remind him every week that Jason was in charge of how quickly their sex lives progressed. It finally began to settle down when Jason asked him about sucking and they began to do that. It seems, from what Arnie hinted, that Jason loved to suck him and would do it half the night. I know there were many Sundays and Mondays after that when Arnie never even touched his cock. I am pretty sure that Jason had sucked him dry the night before. I make no apologies for spying on them. I told Arnold right at the start that I would hold him to his promise and I owed it to Jason to do just that. Arnie knew what I was doing and why, so he never resented it. In fact he thanked me, after his eighteenth birthday party, for stopping him from pushing Jason and probably ruining his chance at happiness. Unfortunately he only lived a few more months. He died two weeks before Jason's birthday, and three days after the Swimming Carnival.

I have no idea when, or even if, they experimented with anal sex. I did see Jason walking a little oddly a few times so I think they may have. If they did then Arnold must have been very loving and very gentle with Jason, because I saw no difference in his sunny disposition and he still draped himself lovingly over his "Big Beautiful Arnie".

Brian thinks Jason may be ready to continue. Dustin

The Inter Schools Swimming Carnival was held at the big Olympic pool in late October, just before my birthday. I did pretty well. I got a third in the 1600 meters and there were some big kids in the under 15s. I got Gold in both the platform and springboard diving. Coach was so excited he almost forgot he was one of the officials but Rowland, who was almost as big as Dustin, picked me up and carried me around the pool on his shoulders. Arnie and Justi and Angelo were sitting together in the stands, Justin's race had been one of the early ones, and they were jumping up and down and cheering. It felt very special that they were all making such a fuss over me. When Rowland finally took me into the change rooms, all the J Squad hugged me and congratulated me. Peter came in and told me that there was a special meeting of the J Squad after school and I had to be there.

A lot of the boys from the other schools were curious about the way they were all guarding me so some of those who were not in the J Squad told them all about it. The boy who had come second in springboard was allowed to come over and congratulate me. He told me he was sorry to hear of all the trouble I had been having and he was glad I had such good friends. I told him that they had been wonderful and that they were the reason I had performed so well. After so many of them working so hard to keep me safe, I just had to give my absolute best to repay them. The J Squad chaired me out of the change room and up to the stands for the finals and the medal count. We won the meet by one bronze and they all said it was my 1600 meters that had won it.

They took me back to the school gym, Mr Wallace had given Peter the key. He made them sit in the stands at one end of the pool and he sat on one of the starting blocks. He put me right down the front with Arnie on one side and Dusty on the other. The hockey team was right behind us. Then he gave an address, which he must have spent hours preparing.

"Today has been a victory for the whole J Squad. Out aim was to keep Jason fit enough to compete in this carnival. Not only did we achieve our aim, but Jason repaid us with two gold and one bronze medal. I called this meeting for two reasons. The first is to thank you for your efforts and the Second is to get you to think about the future.

In five and a half weeks, school breaks up and almost half this squad will not be returning next year. I am worried about Jason's future at this school. Mr Albemarle threatened to take Jason out of this school if we could not be keep him safe. Who is going to keep him safe next year? I will not be here next year to solve the problem so it is up to those of you who are in year eleven to make the hard decisions. I think all of you know that Jason is gay and Arnold is his boyfriend. That is just another reason for bullies to pick on Jason. Don't kid yourselves that the bullies have gone away, they are still there just waiting for an opportunity. If you want Jason to still be at this school next year, to try to equal his effort today, then you have got to form a new J Squad next year. You have to solve the problem of how to get him home safely after practise. Dustin and I will be at University so we probably won't be available on a regular basis to drive him home. In case you think we are being overly protective, I will tell you that, earlier this year, two bullies were waiting for him where he changes buses and we were not quick enough to stop him getting hit, so now we drive him home.

This is now your problem and I will give you all the help I can, but the first problem you have is how many of you want to do it. It is hard work and a lot of responsibility."

Robert Hapgood stood up and walked over to Peter. They talked for a minute in low voices then Robert turned and told them to quieten down.

"I am going to tell you something which you can't talk about with anybody until it is officially announced. I am breaking confidentiality by telling you this but I think Jason's safety is important enough to risk doing it. I have been chosen as School Captain for next year.

As far as I am concerned the J Squad continues next year. I know how much work Peter has had to put in to keep things running smoothly and I am willing to do the same. I don't expect my father will buy me a car, but I am prepared to go with Jason and wait until he has caught the second bus so that he will be safe. As I see it, our biggest problem is how to recruit more members. There will not be enough of us to watch out for Jason, since we all have other commitments such as our own sports practise. I will be willing to listen to any suggestions but I think they can be left for today. It is already late and most of you need to get home. I will be available at lunchtimes for anyone who has any ideas. Thank you for coming and thanks for your help. By the way, in case you think Jason isn't grateful for what we have done, he told the Swim Team that his performance today had to be the absolute best he could give to thank us for being his friends. Let's hear it for Jason."

They all cheered and whistled and clapped. It was so loud I got embarrassed and blushed and hid my face in Arnie's shirt. Dusty took us home and it was a bit cramped in the back with Angelo, Justin, Arnie and myself. I had to sit on Arnie's lap until we dropped Angelo. Dad had just got in when we arrived and they told him about my medals. Dad decided that there would be a party for my Birthday, since it fell on a Saturday and that it would also be a thankyou for the J Squad and a celebration for my gold medals. I asked him if he had really thought about how many people that would be and he said he expected a hundred so he would have to find a place to hold the party, since it would be too noisy for our neighbours. He told Dustin, Sam and Justi that they were to tell everyone to keep that Saturday clear and that there would be no booze and no drugs, but they were all invited. He would give them the place and the time next week. When we told the neighbours about the party they all insisted we hold it at home. Our back yard is big enough, the weather was good enough, it would save dad the cost of hiring a hall and they would all be able to attend. So we held it in the back yard. I think dad spent what he saved on extra food and drink.

Justin and I ran off invitations on the computer and he delivered the ones to Joseph and Paul. We had always had a little party for my birthday, since I was 10, but the only guests had been Paul, Joseph, Angelo and Justin. This would be my first proper party. I gave Justin the invitations for the cricketers, since he plays cricket, Arnold and Dustin the ones for the footballers, Angelo the ones for the Tennis players and Samantha the ones for the Hocky players and the other girls. I took the ones for the Swimmers. I told pop and momma that I expected them to be there and they could even bring Horgan if he was home. Horgan did come and brought his fiancee Louise. I found out later that he came over especially for the party. Louise is as big as Samantha but she looks small alongside Horgan. The party was a huge success, almost everybody came and lots of them brought me birthday presents even though the invitation said this wasn't expected because this was a thank you party for them. Horgan must make a lot of money in his job because he gave me a real leather winter jacket that must have cost hundreds of dollars; it has a zip out, real fur lining. It still fits me I'll show it to you later. He said I would need it when I went to watch Arnie play. Louise gave me some Dubbin and a Polishing Kit so I could keep it in good condition.

Dad got a caterer who brings a big barbecue and roasts about a quarter of a cow, and then they provide cool drinks and tea and coffee. They had salads and all sorts of nice things. There was trifle and cake and fruit salad and icecream. Justin brought his new girlfriend. He was early of course and knocked on the door just as Arnie and I were having a cuddle. When I opened the door she stepped out from behind him and he introduced me to Angelica. I told him he was lucky because he had the most beautiful girl in school for a girlfriend. She laughed and hugged me and gave me a kiss then she ran over to Arnie and gave him a hug. She told Justin he was lucky to have such a cute friend and told Arnie he was lucky to have me for a boyfriend and she hoped he realised it. Arnie looked at her really solemnly and told her I was " the most beautiful little man in the world". Ever since that night she kisses me and hugs me, even when we're in public, and Justi doesn't seem to mind. She even did it in the queue for the pictures when I made her laugh.

There was only one incident that spoiled the night a bit. Some of the girls had boyfriends from outside the school and dad had given the OK for them to come. Jessica, the girl who is Robert's girlfriend now, had a boyfriend from the Grammar School. Half way through the night they walked up just when Arnie was giving me a hug and a kiss. This kid, I don't even know his name, got very upset. He really sneered at us.

"Your a pair of dirty fags! No wonder you're a frightened little shit. How the hell did you manage to fool all of these kids into helping you?"

Jessica stood there in shock, with her mouth opening and shutting, trying to speak but not being able to get anything out. She was glaring at him. Horgan stepped up behind him and lifted him off the ground by his belt and his collar. He shook him a bit and put him down.

"I get very upset when people slag off at Jason. If you don't like it what are you doing at his party? I think you had better leave now before I do something you'll regret."

Jessica found her voice. "You're a rotten little shit. You knew J man and Arnie were gay but you just wanted to come to the party. Jason is my friend and I don't give a damn if he's gay. Everyone in the J Squad is comfortable with it you're the only one who's out of step. I never want to see you again and I hope you rot in hell."

He looked pretty angry but no one with half a brain would argue with Horgan so he was escorted out. Horgan walked him down to the end of the street to make sure he didn't damage any of the cars. Some of the girls had their arms around Jessica, comforting her. Some of the other boys from the Grammar School came up and apologised for his behaviour. Arnie hugged me and made me feel better. Fortunately dad was inside so he did not see the incident, he might have shut the party down if he had known. Mr Brown, our neighbour from over the back fence, came over and put his hand on our shoulders.

"Just put it out of your mind and enjoy your friends' company. There is always one who wants to spoil the party. Don't let him get to you. You've got a hundred friends here Jase, who all think your OK the way you are concentrate on them and forget him."

We did and we all had a wonderful party. It broke up at around midnight. It took me all day Sunday to unwrap all my presents, and mum made me write a list so that I could thank them all and I wouldn't forget who gave me what. Most of the boys gave me C.D.s and most of the girls gave me clothes. I got some really nice things and Arnie said they had all bought things that made me look good. A lot of them were tight fitting and I would never have thought to buy something like a green tank top with gold sparkly bits in it but mum, Arnie and momma all said I looked good in it. Someone else had bought me a pair of tight fitting pants that matched and when I wore them to the end of year dance a lot of the boys and all the girls gave me cat calls and whistles. Angelica said I looked gorgeous and Samantha said I was trying to win all their boyfriends away from them. I got upset at that and told her I only wanted Arnie and I was going home. She calmed me down and assured me that she didn't intend it in a mean sense; it was just that I looked so nice that I was prettier than some of the girls. Arnold had to give me a cuddle in front of the whole school before I calmed down enough to stay. While he was doing that just about the whole J Squad surrounded us and watched the rest of the kids to see if anyone was going to complain. No one did. Later on I found out that Mr Wallace and Mr Mills were watching them too, from the other end of the hall. Angelica got me up to dance a lot of dances with her when Justin was exhausted and Sam wanted me to dance with her but I told her I didn't want Dusty to think I was stealing his girl and she just laughed and said he would love it. I think he did because he smiled at us a lot when we were dancing. A lot of other girls wanted me to dance with them and I was pooped by the end of the night.

Brian thinks it is time for a break and that we should all go for a walk before dinner to clear our heads and give us an appetite.

Hi What a walk, and what a dinner. Jason has hardly been out of the house for three months and has done no exercise either. He got tired less than half way through our walk and we were going to turn around and bring him back. He wanted to go on and was frustrated at getting tired so easily. Brian decided that we could complete our intended rout, which was to walk entirely around the boundaries of Conlon Walk, which is a tiny area of the suburb. The way we could do it was simple, he would carry Jason on his shoulders until he felt tired and then I would carry him. Jason loved it and he actually laughed. It is the first laugh I have heard since Arnie died. I was rapt, we were making him laugh again there was no way I was going to spoil that. I was so happy that I wouldn't give him back to Brian when he thought I was getting tired. I told him that he had done so much for our Jasie that it was my turn to go the extra mile. He looked a bit annoyed. I am a bit slow at times, I didn't realise until we were home that he probably loved the feel of Jason being on his shoulders since he is in love with Jason. I will apologise to him later.

Why am I writing and Jason is not speaking? Simple, he fell asleep after dinner and he had a smile on his face, he was remembering good things and no one is going to interfere with that by waking him up. He has not smiled since October, and it is now the end of February, no one dares to interfere. Brian is sitting beside him with that stupid, indulgent smile that lovers and parents seem to get on their faces, and waiting for him to wake. He told the Albemarle's that Jason might get a shock when he wakes and finds he has been dreaming, and he wants to be there to prevent any bad reactions.

Mrs Albemarle cooked us a wonderful dinner and Jason actually ate it without Brian having to force him, another first. When Jason fell asleep I wanted to help with the washing up but the Albemarle's chased me out, saying that this was the only way they were allowed to repay Brian and I for all we were doing for Jason and I was not going to rob them of that. Mrs Albemarle was crying over the sink and he was not much better. He looked as if he would burst into tears at a moment's notice. It was the hope and relief in their faces and their voices that gave me the hint I ought to get out of the way and let them celebrate the tiny victory we have had tonight. There is still a long way to go.

I have just been down to see if Jason is awake, and found him sobbing on Brian's shoulder. There was a real look of hope on Brian's face, mixed up with that stupid smile. Jason is not holding himself so rigidly and he doesn't sound so bitter. We may have a breakthrough. I have e-mailed or rung everyone and I have told Peter to organise people to take notes for me at Uni. I am not going home until I feel that we have gone as far as we can go. Dustin.

Hi

We didn't do any more last night, but it was worth the wait. This morning Jason is snuggling into Brian the way he used to snuggle into Arnie, or me or Samantha. It is his way of saying "I trust you not to hurt me". Brian looks as if he has just won a Lotto Jackpot prize. Jason is ready and this may open the floodgates. I pray it does. Dustin.

The J Squad did re-form the next year and there were plenty of kids who were keen to join it. There were even some from our classes. One of them told me it was like joining one of those Fraternity things they have in the U.S.A. He also said that Robert interviewed everyone who wanted to become an official member and made sure they were comfortable with Arnie and I being gay. One of the side benefits of the J Squad was that bullying in our school was almost nonexistent. They were watched so closely they were afraid to do anything.

Christmas was wonderful since we had two Christmases, one here and one at Ratzinger's. We had all of them here for Christmas Day then we went over there for Boxing Day. Mum and dad and momma and pop got on like a house on fire. Horgan was there alone because Louise's parents hadn't invited him and he and Dustin played catch with me. I was the ball. They threw me back and forth for a couple of minutes and Arnie could only lie on the floor and laugh. Momma came in and grabbed me off them telling them they were more dangerous than Arnie and if they did not behave they would get no more to drink. She didn't look angry because she had a little smile. She cuddled me, so I cuddled her and gave her a kiss, and then she put me down next to Arnie.

The holidays were the best time I had ever had. I still had Justi and Angela, Paul, Joseph and Angelo but now I had Dusty and Sam and Arnie. We went all sorts of places I had never been. I never felt afraid. Not even once. Everywhere I went Arnie went with me and when Dusty was not there we had Justin and Angela or Paul and Joseph. Even the shopping centre was fun because we would often run into some of the J Squad and then we would have a sort of street party. One day we all invaded Mr Dellabosca's Deli and Milk Bar. His is the only milk bar left in town. I think he keeps it that way because that's the way his dad had it. While he and Angelo were getting our sandwiches and milkshakes he told them how painfully shy I used to be. If mum sent me down there to buy something, he had to get Angelo to come around from behind the counter, and let me whisper my order in his ear. That was how Angelo and I became friends. I was a bit sad when the holidays ended as it was the first time I can ever remember when being out of school was so much fun.

The next year was harder. We were studying for the year 10 exams and I was trying to learn everything the Coach could teach me about diving. Arnie and Justin were in a lot of my classes every day and so were Angelica and Angelo. I think there was at least one of them in every class I had.

Just after you went home from your last visit, in August, University was playing West's in the Semi final. Sam, Arnie and I went down to watch Dustin and Peter play. Peter was reserve winger and Dustin was a forward. Sam went down to the fence to be closer to the action and Arnie went to the toilet. I stayed to keep our seats. There were not many benches on that side of the ground. This group of six boys wandered up and I was trying to watch the game around them. They didn't seem to be very interested in the game. One of them said to the others.

"Look at that little cock sucking poofter sizing us up. Let's get him."

The next thing I knew they were punching and kicking the shit out of me. I fell off the bench and hit my head. Just before I passed out I could hear Arnie screaming.

"Sam! Jason!"

I came to for a few seconds and I saw Arnie standing over me swinging wildly and Samantha was wading in from their back. This huge shadow loomed up from one side and then I blacked out again. There are some vague impressions in my mind but I really can't remember anything until I woke up in hospital. When I came to, mum was sitting there and I could see she had been crying. As soon as she saw I was awake she broke out into a smile and called the nurse. Nurse checked my pulse and gave me some ice for my dry throat and lips, and then she went to call a doctor. There was a 'phone beside my bed and mum called dad at work and told him I was awake. She asked him to call everyone on the list and tell them. She would call him back as soon as she had more news. Since dad is the Chief Accountant, I suppose he can get away with doing things like that. I asked mum what I was doing in a private room and she said they had paid insurance for enough years to just about buy the room. I tried to laugh and my ribs hurt so I stopped.

The doctor came in and it was Dr. Jennings from down our street. He was very nice. I didn't know him very well but at least he wasn't a stranger. He sent mum and the nurse out of the room and removed the catheter thing from my dick himself. He told them that he thought a young man should have some privacy for that sort of thing. Mum told me I got special treatment from him, not just that time but whenever he was on duty. He checked everything was working properly and told me that my right arm would be stiff for a while, since it was badly bruised and that I had broken ribs and a broken left leg. I hadn't even noticed that I had a cast on until then. Then he told me I had a fractured skull and this was the most serious injury. If I had blurry vision or headaches or felt giddy, I was to tell the nurse immediately. He told the nurse I could have some soup and icecream for lunch and left.

Mum started telling me what she knew about what had happened. She said there had been four of the boys in the hospital with me and that Horgan was facing assault charges. It was his shadow I had seen just before I blacked out. The first boy he reached was the one who had broken my leg. He had jumped on it with both feet. Horgan had picked him up and whirled him around his head before throwing him down the bank. The next one he broke all the ribs on one side with just one punch, puncturing his lung. Arnie had one occupied and Sam had another in a headlock, she had kneed him in the balls and was pulling his hair out. Horgan grabbed the other two by the neck and banged their heads together. They both had fractured skulls. Horgan swore that the two things, which saved me from more serious injury, were, the fact that I was wearing my leather coat and Arnie standing over me so they couldn't get a clear hit at me. Arnie had been pretty battered but nothing had been broken. Horgan was lucky. When the parents of the boys found out what the fight had really been over and that I was in hospital in a coma, they refused to lay charges and the police case collapsed without any witnesses or complainants.

I told mum I didn't know Horgan had been there and she said he and Louise had come late and that they were sitting further around the ground because they couldn't see us. Horgan had heard Arnie's scream and had seen him running, so he knew where we were.

You should have seen the flowers I got. There was a huge one from dad's work and it arrived just as they were collecting the lunch trays. Before they allowed visitors in, I had so many the place looked like a nursery. There was one just from the accounts department. Dad got tears in his eyes when he saw their card. It was very beautiful. Mr Pettigrew, dad's boss, sent his own. Samantha sent some and Horgan and Louise sent another huge bunch. Momma and Pop sent one. There was one from the University Football Association, and one from Angelo's family. The next day even more came in and I can't remember who they were all from. Next morning, when Dr Jennings came in to check on me, he laughed and said it was just as well I didn't suffer from hay fever.

Arnie looked awful. They all came over as soon as visitors were allowed. Dad had told them it was alright for them to visit but he asked the others to wait a day or two until I was stronger. Arnie burst into tears as soon as he saw me. He didn't try to hug me he just held my hand in his and gently caressed my face with the other hand.

"I've been so worried. I thought they had killed you. You've been in a coma for five days and I thought, for sure, that you weren't coming back. They all tried to tell me that you would but I was sure they were wrong. I've missed you so much Jasie."

"What about you Arnie? If you look this bad after five days then you must have looked awful when they did it. I remember seeing you for just a second, standing over me with five boys all punching you. Maybe it's just as well I wasn't awake or I would have been worrying myself sick about you."

"Oh Jasie! Jasie I love you so much."

Then he was crying again and kissing me ever so softly, all over my face and my hand. Mum and dad and momma and pop and Dustin had just stood there quietly, watching. I kissed him back whenever he held still long enough for me to do it.

"Arnie, I know just how much you love me. It took an awful lot of guts to stand up to six boys and take the belting they were going to give me."

"Yes son. You're right. Arnold, if you hadn't stood over Jason he would be dead. If they had given him the pasting that they gave you, on top of what they'd already done, he would never have survived. You have my love and gratitude forever. Without you I wouldn't have a son."

Dad walked around the bed and pulled Arnie into a bear hug. He kissed him on the forehead several times and every time he did he said "Thank you". I could see the tears trickling down dad's cheek. Everyone in the room seemed to be snuffling and whiffling and blowing their noses.

The night nurse came in and told them she thought I was getting overtired and that they should leave soon. Arnie didn't want to go and pop was getting a bit annoyed with him but the night nurse was wonderful. When Arnie told them they just didn't understand she put her arm around his shoulder and told him that she did understand. Her grandson was gay and she knew how much he wanted to be with his boyfriend, but it was better for me if Arnie went home and had some sleep and came back tomorrow with a big smile on his face. She would be there with me all night and she would look after me because she knew how special I was to Arnie. He cried all over her uniform but he was smiling when he went home.

Dr. Jennings said he wanted me out of the hospital as soon as possible. He had seen what my birthday party had been like and he didn't want the hospital invaded by the J Squad, they wouldn't be able to cope with a crowd that size. I think he guessed that I would be happier at home where I could be with Arnie. I didn't ask him how he knew they were called the J Squad.

Mum and Arnie came as soon as they were allowed. Dr Jennings was still examining me but he told mum that if I continued to improve the way I was going then I could go home tomorrow after lunch. If I needed anything, he was just down the street. Mum was so happy that she rang dad straight away. Arnie said the doctor had let him off school until Monday and he intended to spend all his time with me. Mum didn't say a word, so she must have been happy with the idea. She had this lovely smile on her face the whole time. They went home and I had a sleep but they were back in the afternoon and momma was with them. That night, dad and pop and Dusty and Sam came as well. What with all the extra flowers that came and all those people, my room was pretty crowded. Arnie pulled a chair right up by my head and everyone else had to go around the other side to give me a kiss and a hug.

The next day Dr. Jennings said I could go home if I was careful. He told mum that I could not get overtired and that I could get up for meals but that I should rest for at least another week. He would come up and look at me in a week's time and that she knew where to contact him if she had any worries. He told her he knew I would be getting loads of visitors and not to let them stay too long. Mum rang dad and pop and took Arnie with her to get things ready at home. Dr. got the nurse to show me how to use the crutches but said he did not think I would be strong enough to use them to go to school for two weeks at least.

After lunch there was a convoy, dad and mum, pop and momma and Arnie. They had three cars and they needed them for all the flowers. Mr Pettigrew must really like dad because he let him leave early to bring me home and told him he was to come in late when I went back to school and he was to drive me in, every day, until I could walk properly. Pop can take time off whenever he wants, since he owns the business. Pop decided that I would be more comfortable in the front of his Cherokee as there was more room for the cast on my leg. Pop was the one who took me to school until the plaster came off. He and Arnie would lift me in and out of it as if I were a bit of Balsa wood.

When we got home, the first thing I wanted was a shower and clean pyjamas and then a lie down. There was a bit of an argument to see who would help me. Everyone wanted to get into the act. Finally it was decided that dad would show Arnie what to do since they would be the ones most likely to be helping me. It was a bit of a squash in the bathroom but Arnie never hesitated, he took his clothes off while dad was helping me, and helped dad put the plastic over my cast to keep it dry. Then he got into the shower with me and helped me wash and stopped me from falling. Boy, did that shower feel good. What with Arnie washing me, and not having played with myself for nearly two weeks, I got hard, and I was embarrassed when dad came back with my clean pyjamas and saw my dick standing up like a flag pole. He smiled at me and told me it was OK and that he would wait outside the door until Arnie called him, so that Arnie could help me fix the problem, but we should turn off the water so that it didn't run cold. My dick was sore from having the catheter in it and it didn't feel nice to rub it, so Arnie said he knew another way. He sat me on the toilet so I wouldn't fall and he took my dick in his mouth. I had heard of sucking but I had no idea what it was. I soon found out. It was fantastic; I had never had anything like it. I think I saw stars and I must have made a lot of noise, because when dad came in he was grinning from ear to ear and Arnie had this really proud grin on his face. I think he swallowed my cum but I was too far out of it to really know. Dad patted him on the back and told him to hurry up and finish washing me so that I could have a sleep.

They called pop to carry me to the lounge room. I was getting tired and Arnie was afraid he would drop me. Mum had made up this arrangement of pillows and blankets so that I was half propped up, but I was lovely and warm. When I woke up, I was, sort of, cradled in Arnie's arm, with my head on a pillow. There were all sorts of people there. Justi and Angelica, Paul and Joseph. Dustin and Samantha were in the kitchen with mum, and Peter and William Pettigrew were sitting by the heater, talking softly. Arnie told them all I was awake by giving me a soft kiss, right on my lips and saying.

"Welcome back beautiful. Did you have a nice sleep?"

I smiled at him, his eyes were so beautiful, I managed to stroke his face even though my arm was very stiff, and he got that beaming smile he had. The girls gave me kisses and hugs and Justi and Dusty gave me a hug too. They were careful not to hurt my ribs. Peter and Dusty introduced me to William Pettigrew. It was funny how he knew about me but had no idea that my dad was his dad's chief accountant until I was in hospital.

William knew Horgan because he was another footballer. He wasn't good enough to play any higher than reserves but Horgan had been in his last year when William was in his first. He is a year older than Dusty and Peter. Horgan had taken him under his wing and taught him a lot about football tactics. Peter and he were both doing Business Administration at Uni and had the same tutor, so William had become friends with Peter. Peter had introduced him to Dustin and then he found out that Horgan was Dustin's brother. Of course he had asked about Arnold because Horgan had doted on his youngest brother and was always talking about him. That's how he knew about me and about the J Squad. He just never realised that I was dad's son. He had known dad since he was a little kid. The three boys and Angelica had to go home but the others stayed. William wanted to surprise dad.

When dad came in he got a big shock. William was still here and dad didn't even know he knew our address. They all explained how they came to be friends and William told them that dad had been his "Unki Abbi" when he was little and his dad used to take him to work. He told them that he could still remember dad telling him that he had a new baby now and it was a little boy like him. He felt he had known me all his life even though we had just met, because he had watched the photos on dads desk change regularly as I grew. Dad was a bit flustered at him being in our house, since he was the boss's son but William told him not to be silly, to him he would always be his "Unki Abbi" and his dad knew it.

Arnie sat through the whole afternoon, and the whole weekend, not saying much but smiling a lot, especially when people said nice things to me. He got me drinks and kept tucking the blankets around me, and holding my hand, and kissing me. Nobody took any notice, it was just as if they thought it was the most natural thing in the world. Even William behaved as if it was normal, and he had never seen us before then. Mum chased them all off home and said dinner would be ready soon. Arnie helped me to the toilet and held me steady while I washed my hands. Just that little bit of walking made me tired and achy. Mum gave me a couple of tablets with codeine them and they knocked me right out. Dad and Arnie just managed to get me to bed before I was out like a light.

Over the weekend we had a continual procession of visitors. Dr Jennings was right and they would have been out in the corridor if I had still been in hospital. I fell asleep a lot but no one seemed to mind. I would talk to some people and then I would doze off. When I woke up there would be a new batch of people. Mum would not let them stay too long, telling them that they would be able to stay longer when I was stronger. Arnie had a chair right by my head and he never left my side the whole weekend. Every time I woke up he would do the same thing and it was really sweet. He would kiss me very gently and say.

"Have a nice sleep my beautiful little man?"

Hi Jason is beginning to lose it and he is getting tired. Brian says it is time for lunch and a good long break. I don't know what has happened, but I never expected Jason to get this far without a stop, especially talking about the fight and the hospital. Whatever happened yesterday must have been good. Dustin.

Hi After lunch William Pettigrew came over to see Jase. He sat out in the back yard with us and just chatted while Jason cuddled up to Brian. He is managing one of his father's subsidiary companies as work experience. We left them enjoying the sun and I showed Will out. He told Mrs Albemarle and I that he wanted to talk about Jason's future, when he's recovered. Jasie has no TEE score because he did not sit the exams and he will need to do another year before he is eligible to sit for them again. Brian says that he would like Jase to learn accountancy at Tech. He says that if he is as good as "Unki Abbi" then he wants him as his Chief Accountant when Mr Albemarle retires. Mrs Albemarle said that he was good at maths but not as brilliant as his father. Will told her that the sort of work he would do needed someone who could look at the figures and interpret what they meant. There were computers and bookkeepers for crunching figures but the Chief Accountant had to be able to see past the simple numbers and to think laterally. "Unki Abbi" was brilliant at this and he thought Jason would be just as good. He left it as an idea for us to consider. Personally I think he is right, I sometimes feel that Jason can think "around corners" and most of the time his conclusions are right.

Brian and Jason are coming and Jason sounds more relaxed than he has been for months. Dustin.

I wasn't able to swim until a few weeks before the Carnival but my leg got strong enough for me to dive. It still got tired fairly quickly and so did I but I managed to compete and got a Gold in the Tower and a Silver in the Springboard. The boy who got silver the year before beat me.

The J Squad had treated me like royalty since I got back to school, and they had an impromptu party in the stands when the results were announced. Coach told me I was unbelievable. He had thought it would be impossible for me to compete when he heard of my injuries, but I had given the school two medals despite that. Did I tell you that they carried me around the school for weeks? It's too hard to use a wheelchair in that school because of all the steps so I just used crutches. I used to get tired before lunchtime and found it hard to use the crutches so they just picked me up and carried me. They carried me to lunch and they carried me whenever I had to change classrooms. Even after the plaster came off, if I got tired they carried me. Arnie used to run in front carrying my crutches and chasing kids out of the way. It was very funny and everyone used to laugh. The teachers were OK with it and never gave the J Squad a hard time if they were late. That's why I just had to win some medals for them.

Arnie used to spend all weekend here while I was in plaster and even when it came off we still spent the weekend together. I had to do my homework on Friday night or dad would not let me go. Momma or Pop would come and get me on Saturday morning, and they bought a double bed for Arnie. When my bruises had gone I wanted to return the favour to Arnie because he always sucked me when he realised how much I liked it and he would not let me suck him until I was well. He was just so kind to me Brian, he was so loving and so gentle. He was just like you.

Hi I thought we were in for another break but Jason is managing to go on even though he is crying. Dustin.

What am I going to do Brian? I killed my Arnie. If I hadn't told him I wanted that shirt he wouldn't have gone into town to try and find it. It was only a silly birthday present and I lost my Arnie. I killed my lovely man over a silly shirt. I deserve to die. I've hurt Momma and Pop and Dusty and Horgan. I've taken my lovely Arnie away from them. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it have been me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi I couldn't write any more I just had to stop. I was crying as much as Jason and I couldn't see the keyboard.

We have spent hours trying to calm him down. At least we know what the real problem is and now we can work on it. When I came up, Brian was hugging Jasie from one side and Mr Albemarle was hugging him and Brian from the other. They were trying to get him to see that it was not his fault. It was an accident. If anyone was to blame it was the car driver and that Jasie and Arnie had done nothing to cause it.

Will Pettigrew is sitting with an arm around Mrs Albemarle, trying to comfort her. When she rang to ask if her husband could come home, Mr Pettigrew told Will to drive him home and not to come back until everything possible had been done. They must think an awful lot of Mr Albemarle.

I have no idea if we will ever finish this account and it really doesn't matter. Jason has let us in to his real grief and now he can begin to heal. I have rung mum and dad to tell them. They will be over as soon as I tell them that the time is right, just to tell Jason the same thing. No one blames Jasie or Arnie, they did nothing wrong. He is not responsible for Arnie's death, it was just fate. Mum said she would ring Horgan tonight and tell him. He is at a conference in Adelaide. Dustin.

Hi What a few days. Brian told me to stay here in case he needed me. Jason has been in and out of depression like a yoyo and Mr Albemarle has not been to work. Will has called in to visit every day and told him that he was not to come to work while Jason needed him so much. He told him the office could manage without him for a week or two and that his father would be angry if he thought he was neglecting Jason. Everyone knew how important Jason was to him.

On top of all that, Uncle Jake rang and told dad that he wanted Brian home and that dad should order him to stop playing with his little queer friend and get back home immediately. I was home getting some clean clothes and I could see dad's face. I thought he was going to blow a blood vessel. Dad was very controlled and asked him why he needed Brian so urgently when harvest was over and seeding was months away. He put the speaker on so mum and I could hear him. Uncle Jake said he didn't want Brian infected with all that queer shit and he should never have given permission for him to come. Now Brian was defying him and refusing to come home because Jason needed him. He wanted him home so he could get this stupidity out of his system.

Dad went ballistic. He abused Uncle Jake every way he could think of. He told him he had better get used to the idea of his son being gay because we had known he was for years. He told him that Brian was born that way, just as Arnold had been, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Then he said that he would be happy to have Brian and he intended to tell Brian that he would give him a job and that he could live with us and there was never any need for him to go home and live with such a stupid, homophobic old fool. Then he slammed down the 'phone.

We all came over and told Brian what the score was. He looked relieved when dad told him he could live with us and then Mr Albemarle chipped in and told him he could live here for as long as he wanted. I think he is getting the same message from Jason that I am getting. When Jason is not in depression he is treating Brian the same way he treated Arnold, when he first met him. He will look into his eyes and stroke his cheek and then he will get all shy and do something else. I think Brian floats about a foot off the floor whenever he does that.

I think the healing is well under way and that Jason will never need to finish this, so I will print it out and take it home just to remember my little brother by. I may not have loved him in the same way Jasie did, but I loved him just as much, and I think Horgan will be helped if he reads this. Dustin.

Hi It has been nine months since I wrote this and I decided that I should finish the story, just for my own record.

Where to start? Horgan has read this and he cried all the way through, but he said it helped him and he was glad to have read it. Brian and Jason are a couple and live at the Albemarle's, but this is their second home and they often stay the night and sleep in Arnie's old bed. Now her Jasie is happy again, Samantha is all over him like a rash. Sam and I are getting married in March next year. Horgan and Louise are going to have a baby girl and mum and dad are delighted with the way things have turned out. They have not adopted Brian but they might as well have because that's the way they treat him and they treat Jase just the same as they treated him when Arnold was alive.

The Pettigrew's persuaded Jason and his father that he should take Accountancy and he loves it. They even hired a tutor to help him catch up on any work he missed at the end of last year and the first few months of this one. It took that long for him to be able to function independently again. The Pettigrew's must be able to pull some pretty big strings because Jason started Tech in term two and that is unheard of. Dad put Brian on, as foreman of one of the outdoor crews and his crew has become the best dad has. He uses Brian for all the really important jobs.

Almost all the J Squad still keep in touch with each other and they are always eager for news of Jason. There was an impromptu party at Peter's place the day I told them Jason had told Brian that he thought he loved him the same way he loved Arnie. We almost had to tie a string on Brian to keep him on the ground for several days after that. Justin and Angelica have almost super glued themselves to Brian and Jason. Sam and I have real trouble prying them apart if we want to go somewhere with just our boys.

Who knows what the future holds but if any gay marriage can last, then I think Brian and Jason will be together forever. They not only love each other but they trust each other without reservation and they are absolutely committed to making it work. That is how Sam and I feel and we know from our parents that it is the way they have made their marriage work.

If Arnie is up there looking down then he must be very happy that his "Beautiful Little Man" is once more wrapped in the arms of someone who loves and cherishes him just the way Arnie did. Dustin.