5454 South Shore Drive
Chicago, IL 60637
February 16, 1997
Dear Chris,
I haven't killed myself yet, so I'm not going to. It was really tempting for a while. I had a really bad day yesterday. Worse than anything you've seen in the movies or anything. My father found out. In the worst way possible. Now that he knows, I don't care who knows.
Ever since we met on the Internet, I asked you for advice, I told you my problems, and I enjoyed getting to know you. Well, as much as you can get to know somebody by typing and making a few phone calls. I haven't felt so bad physically since a nasty track meet.
Anyway, I'm going to have to start seeing a psychologist. I don't know how to deal with all the problems that started, and my dad is making me do it, or else he will disown me. He thinks he can change me, and who knows? Maybe the shrink will help. I should start at the beginning. I really don't know what I'm going to do. This is still all pretty recent.
Yesterday, I was really depressed. All I've heard from everyone else around the music department is the fun they're planning with the girlfriends and boyfriends, even everybody in the physics department has been talking about the fun they were going to have Friday night. Well, since Sean, I still haven't found anybody. And he was just a few times. I think I might have just been convenient for him. I don't know.
I thought hard about how hard I've worked this year and last year. I deserve a better Valentine's Day than sitting alone at home. Chris, there's a freshman in one of my classes who I always thought was good looking. His name is Michael and he's thin, but he has a lot of skin if you look closely at him because I found out that he used to be fat, but he lost a lot of weight right before he came to college. Shut up, I'm telling this story. You know how I'm always wound up and come off as tight. He didn't notice me at all. He doesn't really notice anybody because he's one of the only freshmen in the class. He's pretty shy. Yesterday, I caught him before he went into class and tried to strike up a conversation with him. I made sure to ask one of the other guys in the class how their Valentine's Day was going to go loud enough so Michael could hear.
Then I asked Michael if he had any plans for Valentine's Day so it didn't come off to everybody around like I was asking him on a date. He sighed really loud and said, "I wish!" That was enough conversation, so I went into class and started talking to someone else. I didn't want anybody to think that I was trying to pick him up. I've never had the courage to ask anyone at my own college out. I have always thought that there are enough other colleges in Chicago that I could find someone from one of those and keep my identity secret to everybody at my own college.
All during class I tried to think of an excuse to ask Michael to come over to my place. What good reason do you have for inviting somebody over that you don't really know? He'd know that I had nobody else to spend my time with on a Friday night. Even if he was actually interested in me, he'd probably say no because he'd think I was a loser. Normally, I'd just put it off for another week and spend the time alone, but everybody had been building up Valentine's Day for so long, that I guess something just snapped. And all year he seemed like the kind of person who would say yes.
After class, I asked Michael if he could come over since I had a problem with my computer and no one could fix it, but I thought he might be able to. I offered to pay him. As soon as I asked that, I knew it was stupid. But it worked, I guess. It was my last class on Friday, and his last one too. His face didn't brighten, but he said, "Sure." And then I realized just how much he didn't know about me because he asked me my name. "You're Jeff, right?"
"Yeah, Jeff Stewart and you're Michael. Do you go by Michael outside of class?"
"Yeah."
When we got to my place, I hung up my trenchcoat and offered to take his coat too. I had to move my trombone out of the way so we could both sit at the computer. He said that he played violin in high school and was thinking of taking lessons up here.
Anyway, it was true that there was a problem with the computer. It kept crashing in the middle of things, but Michael couldn't figure it out any better than anyone else could. He got frustrated, and I patted his shoulder and said, "It's O.K. The more people who look at it, the better the chances are that someone will know the answer." I think he liked my hand on him.
"Let me try a few more things." Michael went back to typing and moving the mouse. He was getting as intense as I can get, and I kept my hands on his shoulders and started to rub them. He smiled really big for the first time. "Keep doing that, and I could spend all night working here," he said. That sounded like a cue to me.
I tried to be cool, but my voice squeaked when I said it and I sounded like an eighth grader, "Well, I'd be willing to do this all night if you'd be willing to go at it all night."
He was still smiling, and his smile got bigger. It was really genuine and made him look pretty cute. I took this as a good sign. He scooted forward in the chair and was still looking around system folders on the screen. Meanwhile, I moved my hands from his shoulders down to his back. I pressed into the back of the chair so that if he turned around, he wouldn't be able to see my hard on.
"That feels really good, Jeff." He pushed the keyboard away, crossed his arms, and put his head down on the desk and closed his eyes. I moved my hands all around his back and shoulders. I almost touched his butt once or twice. I went back to his shoulders, and then worked my way down his back again and reached till the tips of my fingers touched where his body met the seat. "You really know what you're doing. This is very relaxing after a tough week."
"If you want to take a break from sitting and staring at the screen, you could stretch out on my bed."
He lifted up his head, turned around, and looked at me. "O.K."
I had to clear it off, and he helped me, then he took off his shirt and lay on the bed with his face in the pillows. I guess it was about then that I realized for the first time what was happening and I got really nervous. To my credit, I didn't throw up. But I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't hear. My ears were ringing. I had to steady myself so I gripped his shoulders hard and rested a lot of my weight on him. I guess I gripped hard because he took a fast breath of air, but he didn't move. He just wasn't expecting it. My heart was beating really fast. It was hard to rub his back because my hands were so sweaty, but I just used the tips of my fingers.
I don't think he tried to say anything, but I wouldn't have known because I really couldn't hear. I couldn't see either. I don't know if my eyes were open or closed, but it was like I was in the middle of a cathedral that was thirty stories high inside and I was alone, but there were dancers dancing in place lining the walls of the cathedral all the way to the top singing on ledges with arches and columns. I don't think I'll tell the psychologist about that part of the experience, but it was weird. I've never been so far away from reality while I was awake. I just hope that Michael didn't notice how scared I was.
I wasn't scared of him, just of the situation. My hands were still wet, so I went down his back, brushed my hands lightly over his butt, and started to squeeze the backs of his legs. This way, I dried my hands on his jeans. On the way back up his body, I kneaded his ass. We were way outside the bounds of straight guys. I wondered if he thought of himself as gay like I do, or if he just liked experimentation that a college freshman might tell himself is O.K.
I went up and down his legs one more time to make sure my hands were dry, and then glided up his back again. He was really relaxed. All of a sudden he tensed up, and I tried to figure out what I did wrong, but he moved and then I realized that he was turning over. His eyes were closed, like if he didn't look at me, it wasn't really happening, and I could do anything I wanted. It looked like he had a hard-on. I started at his shoulders again. My arms were beginning to get a little tired, so I slowly got out of the chair beside the bed, and sat on the side of the bed. His eyes were still closed, so I wasn't too worried about him seeing my hard-on. Besides, now I was pretty sure that he had a hard-on too.
His face was relaxed, but he had a little smile like he was content and enjoying everything. I felt his breasts and rubbed and dug my fingers into his flesh. My hands moved down over his smooth ribs and to his stomach. Very gently my fingertips touched him and moved up and down his front. Sometimes I would play with his naval. My arms spread apart a little and my hands touched his sides. I went almost to his armpits and down to the top of his jeans a few times. I though about going below his jeans, maybe even inside. My mouth was really dry and I was breathing so hard, I had to open my mouth and breath through it instead of just my nose. I hope that he didn't notice. I had another weird flash like I couldn't or see anything. My pulse was like 150 or 160. My body was going like I had just finished running a sprint at track practice. My hands were wet again, and it was hard to by cool and rub Michael because of the moisture so I moved my hands along his sides and went down his legs, drying them again on his legs.
He still had the same expression on his face, he hadn't moved. My arms were still beginning to hurt. I wanted to get in a more comfortable position and I decided to take a chance. I shifted one leg over his body and straddled him, but didn't let myself totally relax. I leaned forward and put a lot of weight on my arms and pushed into his chest and then up on his shoulders. Then I carefully sat down so my crotch was right on top of his. I leader even further forward and I gripped his shoulders tightly and pushed my feet down to his feet, then I let my chest down meet his. My face was only a foot from his, and I was lying on top of him. He still had his eyes closed.
I wanted him to open his eyes, so I waited for him to do something and I didn't move. I just lay on top of him and held myself up with my forearms. My breathing was still heavy and I tried to force myself to relax. I took a deep breath and tried to breath with my mouth closed. I was envious of Michael because he was so cool throughout the whole thing. He finally opened his eyes and looked at me. I think he tried to study my intentions.
Michael moved his own arms back and lifted his head closer to mine and kind of tilted it a little. And then he kissed me. He put his lips on mine and pressed a little. I was surprised and I inhaled through my nose, and my dick got even harder. We stayed like that for a long time, maybe five seconds or even ten, and then he put his head back down and gave me a really nice smile. Whenever I try to smile at people I always feel awkward, but I couldn't help myself and I remember smiling back at him. I guess it wasn't awkward because it was one of the only times I remember having a genuine smile in a long time. I hope it looked as good as I felt.
He reached down between us and tried to get his hands near our crotches. I lifted myself up a little bit and he moved in and undid his pants. Then he reached up and undid my pants. I opened my legs and spread them apart, then I tugged on his pants to pull them off. It didn't work very well, so I tried stay cool and got back so I was straddling him again. I scooted back and sat at the end of the bed and pulled his pants off and threw them on the floor. His underwear, silk boxers, stayed on. I think his dick held it around his waist. I took my shirt off and lay back on him. His flesh was right under mine and when we touched I wanted to crawl right inside him. I felt like I could feel everything that he felt. I could feel his heart beat and his lungs breathe. I almost could feel the sheets under him, I was so close to him. He reached up and grabbed the back of my head and pulled me down to kiss him again. Then he worked my pants down to my ankles. My feet pushed them off.
I felt Michael's hands grab me and turn me really quickly onto my side. I don't know how he did it. Then, all of a sudden, I was on my back and he was on top of me instead of the other way around. He kissed me again, but he had al lot of saliva in his mouth and when he pulled away there was still drool between my mouth and his. It was gross but I tried to force myself to enjoy it. Then he kissed my neck and left spit there too. He really sucked on my neck and then he started to bite me, but not very hard. He went down and sucked on my nipple and then went to the other one. He was still leaving spit all over and it would get cold. He went straight down to my belly button and sucked on it hard. Then, just like he turned me over, he swiped my underwear down to me knees. I hoped that my five inches wasn't too much for him to take if he was going to do what I think he was going to do.
He did. I was propped up on my elbows, and I couldn't believe it, but he just took the whole thing in his mouth and once and started sucking hard. The sounds he made he a little dumb, but it felt great. My back arched and I got into it. I didn't want to hurt him, but my hips started to buckle and I went back and forth into his mouth. It was better than anything I have ever felt before. I never wanted it to stop, and it didn't for a long time.
Michael's hand reached to my back and went down slowly. He caressed my butt all the time I was still enjoying having my dick in his mouth. Then, my eyes really got wide because he had put his finger really far up my ass. He pulled it out and I think the next time he put a few fingers up there. It was shocking but it felt really good. It felt so good, my body stopped responding and I stopped having any thoughts and I just exploded. I looked down at Michael, and he still was sucking. Either I didn't juice or he swallowed it all. I think he swallowed it. It was incredible. I collapsed and closed my eyes. I was about to pull him to me, but somebody was knocking on my door.
"Oh, shit," I said. Michael looked like he was bemused. He wasn't out was he? I mean, I planned to get married and have kids and everything. He wouldn't tell anybody about this. I hope.
My body was all slimy, so I put on some fresh shorts and a T-shirt. Michael was out of sight of the door, but I only opened it a crack. The visitor made me lose feeling all over my body I was so nervous. It was my father, and he was in his uniform, no less. I couldn't imagine what he was doing here in Chicago and not back in Virginia. What had he heard? Later I found he was just here for a conference meeting thing and wanted to surprise me. He did.
He opened the door and walked right in. I guess that he thought he was my father and shouldn't need an invitation, and had a naked boy with my jism still on his stomach been standing right there, I probably wouldn't have given my father walking into my place without me first asking him in another thought. But my father had really bad timing. He walked in, and Michael wasn't hiding. At all.
I didn't think that he would have anything to say. All he said was, "Son." I thought about telling him that we were just watching a porn movie or looking at something on the Internet, but I think that he knew better. He's always suspected, I think.
"Jeff, tell this boy to get some clothes on. I'll back in five minutes." He went outside. There were tears in his eyes as he shut the door. I didn't hear him leave. I think he was standing right outside the door.
I was so scared that my mind was racing and I guess I was just standing there because Michael had his clothes on and his backpack on his shoulder when he came up behind me. "Jeff, you're great. I like you a lot. I want to help you get through this. Give me a call when you need me."
I tried to think of something to say, but right now Michael was not my main worry. "Michael. . . ., You have to leave now." I couldn't think of anything else to say. I hope I didn't hurt his feelings. We opened the door, and my Dad was standing there, facing away.
Michael stepped out and looked at my father. "Goodbye, Mister Stewart." And he left walking fast.
My Dad came inside and sat down and I was still just wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I felt pretty small. I wish Dad wasn't wearing his uniform.
"I'm going to have to talk with your mother about this." He paused. I had to go to the bathroom, but I didn't dare leave. I sat on my legs to try to make the feeling go away. "Jeff, I simply do not know what to say." He stood up. "Your mother and I have. . . " He stopped and let out a breath. "You come to college, and we think that you're a responsible adult. You have a head on your shoulders, and . . . " His voice trailed off. I didn't see any tears in his eyes at least.
All of a sudden he sat down and reached for the phone. "You shower and get some clothes on. We'll go out and eat as I originally planned, and we can discuss this. I'm calling your mother." I showered, got dressed, and we went out. I didn't eat anything because I didn't think I could keep it down. It was all I could do to not cry. He kept asking me questions but I couldn't answer because I thought that I would start crying. I knew that my voice would break if I tried to talk. The rest of the night I just listened to him ask me questions and then answer them himself.
The bottom line is that every week I have to have an appointment with a private psychologist who is going to evaluate me and report back to my parents. My life isn't over, but all of a sudden, I don't know what to expect. What can I do? What do I do now? Please let me know what I should do. I'm still so close to everything that's happened, I can't see what I need to do.
Your friend,
Jeff