Disclaimer: Don't copy this story without my permission. Don' read if for some reason it is illegal or offensive to you.
This is the first 'flashback.' If it seems unrealistic or somehow wrong, thats because it is the honest truth.
Journal About Nothing Special Chapter 2
"Hey, are you coming to pride?" I asked my friend on the phone. It was starting to get loud as I got closer to the parade and it was still about a mile off.
"No, me and my boyfriend are going to stay here I think." That was disappointing. That only left me alone to go to my first pride. I guess if I was really desperate I could call him.
Maybe I wouldn't have to go so far. "Damn, now I'm alone, whats Ben doing?"
"Oh yeah, he was asking for you yesterday. He's at the parade I think," she said. Very cool. Mark's girlfriend had so many gay friends. Way more than me at least which was easy to do. I had met Ben that one time we all were hanging out earlier that summer and he was definitely flirting with me the whole time. Anna had told me then she wanted him to find a "nice Jewish boy" that night and I kind of dropped it.
Like that was going to stop me now. "Whats his number?" I asked and she gave it to me.
"Have fun buh-bye Sim."
"Thanks, talk to you later." Sweet. I stared at the number waiting in my phone for a second to let the nervousness of talking to a new guy set in. Whatever. I pressed send.
"Hello?" I could hear cheers and screaming through the receiver meaning he was probably already at the parade.
"Hey, its Sim." I said.
"What?" I could hardly even hear myself and I wasn't even there yet.
"Its Sim!" I shouted into the receiver.
"Oh hey Sim! Whats up?" This conversation was going to be hard over the noise.
Um. Um. "I heard you were looking for me." I shouted.
"I can't hear you," he said.
"Where are you?" I shouted a little louder.
"5th Street. At the parade." Perfect, I was already on 5th.
"Cool, I'm on my way," I said.
"Okay. See yah soon Sim." I guess thats it then. I closed my phone, checked my hair real quick in a window, and walked to my first Pride.
One year out and dating had taught me very little about anything except that I was very good at a first date and horrible at relationships in general. I didn't even know what I was doing wrong. So many guys came and went that summer with nothing real actually happening. I didn't even have sex once in my whole life just a lot of stupid dates. Scott, Matt, Josh, Mike and it was only June.
"Ben and I hit it off at the parade. We ended up spending the whole day together at the Pride festival and even caught a movie at the end of the day. It was great. Nothing went wrong so far. The conversation was flowing nicely which was something to say for two almost strangers spending an entire day together."
"Thats nice. Everything seems to be looking up for you Sim. You look happy," she said genuinely. I had to say I really liked this woman. She seems to really care about me.
"Yeah. Um, hey, I was wondering. Do you think I still need this therapy thing?"
"I was waiting for you to ask that. How do you feel?"
"I feel fine." I smiled at her. I really did feel fine. Ben was going to come over that night and I was looking forward to it. It gave me a bounce in my step all day. My classes were going great and my mother was laying off a bit with the drama. "Everything is going great."
"I think you've been fine for a while actually. If its okay with you, I think we'll make this your closing session." She said warmly.
"Alright. Thats fine." Hah take that mom! I don't have issues. "Thanks for everything Dr. Belen."
"It was my pleasure Simeon. If you still want to discuss anything, you can still contact me, but I have a feeling you'll do just fine." She said.
Un-fucking-believable. This day was just too fucking perfect. I had to call someone. Mark's name popped into my head first. I hadn't told him how it was going with Ben yet. I pulled out my phone and called him as I bounced out of the school counseling center.
"Hey dude how's it hanging?" Mark asked. I love the way he talked. It was cool whether or not it reminded me of the nineties.
"Not much man. Guess what? I'm going out with Ben."
"Really?" Something was wrong with his tone. I wasn't sure what. He definitely did not sound happy.
"Yeah, we spent all of Sunday together and saw a movie and shit." I said.
A sigh. "Dude, you don't have to go out with someone just because you're single you know." Wait what?
"I'm not, he's cool. I like him." I said. Do I really come off like that?
"If you say so," he said.
"Yeah we had a great time." I wasn't sure who I was trying to prove this to at this point. "Anyway, I'll talk to you later man."
"Alright dude, peace." I closed my phone and realized I was not walking anymore. I stared at my cell in my hand. Mark was the most honest person I had as a friend. He was very insightful and probably knew me more than myself, but he was wrong here.
I liked Ben. He liked me. What more reason did I need to date him? Scott was the first guy after him. I just mismanaged that one and we broke up . Josh started and ended inside of a day because we were just not compatible. Mike was just a classmate who was really cute who eventually ended up turning me down. Matt. Well Matt was a mistake. A big one. Now here I was left with Ben. Nothing was wrong, it was just dating.
That night, Ben and I ran down to the Blockbuster and rented a movie to watch in my room. I was aware that him being in my bedroom could be a prelude to something physical, but it did not bother me much. Ben was decent, I was a young, healthy, American male, so what?
The movie was appropriately boring. It was actually something I had wanted to watch for a while, but after a while in the dark of my room, Ben became much more interesting than the birth of the CIA. We were already snuggled on my futon, his head leaning on my shoulder while I explored his toned arms with my fingers.
His other hand found my chest and he traced my abs lower and lower until he came to the bottom of my t-shirt and then brought his fingers under my shirt so he could feel my bare skin. The touch was... flattering.
"You have a nice body," he whispered.
"You too, you have nice arms," I said bringing my hand to his chest like he had done. His arms were nice. They were thick for someone his size. I decided now was a good enough time to take off my shirt and help him with his.
I appreciated his toned body for a few seconds and went in for a kiss, my favorite activity. I touched his lips softly and tenderly with mine using one arm to play with his hair and the other to keep my weight off him. He returned the kiss for a few seconds and then broke it grinning at me. I flashed him a grin of my own and settled on his bare shoulder to continue watching the movie. I needed time to think. Something was wrong.
"Hey Sim," he asked in a whisper.
"Yeah?"
"How many guys have you been with?" Interesting. I counted on my way home after the call with Mark so I knew the answer off the top of my head..
"We'll, um, I've gone out with seven guys. How about you?"
"Seven. How many have you had sex with?" Ben asked.
Zero to be honest. I was not a rank amateur, but I had never gone all the way with anyone and I had only given half a blow job one time when I was very drunk "Three." I answered.
"How many have you had sex with?" I asked. I was curious enough where this was going.
"Seven." Oh. Wow.
"Whats the shortest time you waited before sex?" I asked.
"One day." Oh. "You?"
"One day, but that was a one time thing." I said. It was a huge mistake too. Now I was getting uncomfortable. "I kind of want to get to know someone before sex." No I didn't. I was ready to have sex. Why did I say that? It was clear I could have sex right now if I wanted it. The signals were overflowing the room. I could tell he was hard right then too. His erection was erotic. I think I got hard at that point just knowing it was there.
We never did end up having sex that night and he never brought it up again. Instead I put on some of my music and we made out for a while. He liked some of my bands and recommended one of his for me. He and I laughed, talked, and spooned to my playlist until it got late. I was happy with that and he seemed to enjoy himself too.
Two days later he broke up with me. Simple as that. His explanation was that we were getting too close and he'd have to leave town when summer was up. A few days later, he said that he never got over his ex from a month ago and that was the reason. I had no idea what to think or believe so I was just left with 'dumped' hanging over my head like an ominous cloud. Who cares right? It wasn't even the first time in a month.
There is always a limit to what a person can handle all at once. For some people, a rainy day is all it takes to set them off. For some, a world war is something to brush off their shoulder. My tolerance for bad news was definitely something I was always proud of. Being strong was the only reason I was where I was at all. After all, my counselor practically ushered me out her door to embark on a happy productive self-sufficient life. Of course fate is a funny thing. Irony follows misery like a shadow. The next Wednesday was the Forth of July but also signified the beginning of a dark period in my life.
My rent was the first issue. I was living in a nine bedroom house with eight roommates for the summer while I went to summer classes. It was past the first of the month and my money was running low. The arrangement was that my father promised to pay my rent instead of the owed child support going back to high school. This month his check bounced and I had to pay it with the rest of my savings.
It was not so bad. After all, all I would need to do was call my dad and tell him what was going on and he would fix everything. The banks were closed on Wednesday and he was out of the country until that night so I would just have to call him later, at least after the fireworks.
The second thing was my midterm report. I not only got an F in one of my classes, I was the only one with lower than a C. To be honest, I never could afford the book for that class and I expected to do poorly, but being at the very bottom was too much. I simply walked right out and dropped that class completely from my schedule. Not a big deal. At least now, I'd have more time to focus on my other classes.
The next issue came Wednesday night by phone. It was a call from my mother. There had been an accident at the airport involving my father. He was waiting for a delayed flight in the departure lounge when he felt chest pain. He found his way to the infirmary just before collapsing and they called an ambulance.
Half way between the airport and the hospital in rush hour traffic, his heart stopped.
It was another heart attack, but much worse than before. They were able to restart his heart, but he was in a very critical condition. His kidneys were failing and his heart was heavily damaged. That was the news I got walking back from the fireworks show.
I dragged myself through my classes the next day telling myself it was going to be okay and debating whether I should go see him. It was a several thousand mile trip and I was officially broke.
That night, my father fell into a coma.
The next problem came Friday. Half way through the day, my mother called me again. I stared at her name in the caller ID and I just knew. I knew the worst had happened. I was wrong of course. My definition of "the worse" was naive. The conversation was simple.
"Hello." I said.
"Hello Simeon," my mother said.
"How is dad?" I asked.
"Not well, your aunt said he looks very bad, but listen. I called to tell you that Grandpa Faust passed away today," she said in a matter-of-fact tone. What? He wasn't even sick. Why does she sound so deadpanned anyway?
"What happened?" I asked.
"He had cancer," she answered. My father and his father were in the same hospital it turns out.
"When's the funeral, can I go see dad too?" I asked.
"Money is a little tight son, I don't think so." That was it, not even a trace of emotion in her voice either. I just hung up the phone then.
It was not the first time I had dealt with loss. I just never felt as powerless as I did just then. I had no money, no job, no boyfriend, no grandfather, maybe no father and he was there withering away a world apart from me. I did not cry. I will never cry. No I was going to go to my next class. Then I'd have to go to the supermarket and stock up on ramen. Depression is for the weak and I am not weak.
Questions? Comments? kssb98@aol.com.