This story is fiction and not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of any of the members of the Backstreet Boys.
As usual, they'd been wired coming off stage, but after the show the excitement had worn off bit by bit: during the drive back to the hotel, during the long warm showers they'd each taken to clean the perspiration off themselves, during the late-night snack room service had brought them -- a snack which only AJ and Nick had even tried to eat. It had only been a few minutes later that the guys had begun nodding off, then began the process of saying their "goodnights" before yawning their way to their respective rooms.
In his room, Howie tried to sleep but -- tired though he was -- he couldn't stay asleep. He had managed to doze off at least twice, but each time he awakened a short time later, feeling restless and preoccupied.
Giving up, he'd wandered back into the suite's living room. He flopped onto the over-stuffed couch and tried to watch television to put himself back to sleep. The pale blue glow of the screen in the dark room and the monotonous stupidity of middle-of-the-night cable had lulled him to sleep before, but tonight they didn't help. He even sprawled out across the tan velour of the couch, incredibly comfortable physically, but the thoughts weighing on his mind kept him from sleeping.
Eventually he turned off the set and stepped onto the balcony. It was a warm, late summer night, and the lights of the city were spread out below him as far as he could see to the distant mountains. Howie plopped heavily into one of the lounge chairs. Pulling his feet flat onto the seat in front of him, he hugged his knees to his chest and stared across them onto the city below. His eyes began to tear.
That was where Kevin found him the next morning.
Usually the first one up, Kevin was trying to get into the hotel's gym early. With a little luck, he'd be through with his workout, back and showered before the rest of the group were awake. Then they could have their usual breakfast together. He was out in the corridor, closing the door behind him, when he saw Howie through the sliding glass door.
Kevin walked quietly onto the balcony and gently put his hand on Howie's shoulder. "D," he said softly, his voice edged with concern, "you're up kinda early."
During the few seconds of silence that followed, Howie didn't move his eyes from the city coming to life beneath the balcony. "I haven't been to sleep," he finally said quietly.
Concern in Kevin became genuine worry. He'd sensed for days now that something had been preoccupying Howie, but he hadn't asked him about it. He'd even kept the other guys from bothering him. More than the others, Howie valued his privacy and had always been remarkably good at taking care of his own problems. AJ tried to laugh things off before they became problems; Brian talked to Kevin about anything that bothered him, and Nick... Well, when he was younger, Nick had talked to everyone about everything. Lately though, Nick had come to confide mostly in Brian.
Kevin couldn't ever once remember Howie needing any of the "big brother" advice that Kevin afforded the others. That's why he was so worried now.
Without taking his hand from Howie's shoulder, Kevin sat on the edge of the other chair. "Howie," he began, "is there anything I..."
"Get the guys," Howie interrupted. He turned to face Kevin, who could now see the tracks of the tears beneath Howie's warm, brown eyes. "I have to tell you all something."
The next few minutes went fast. Kevin helped a by-now stiff Howie from the chair and into the living room. Howie flopped again onto the couch, sitting sideways at one end and hugging one of the large cushions in front of him. First, Kevin had his head into AJ's room. "AJ," he'd said a couple of times to wake him, but keeping his voice low enough that Howie couldn't hear from the next room. Once AJ had raised his head and looked at him with very sleepy eyes, Kevin continued, "Get out here: there's something wrong with Howie."
Next Kevin wakened Brian. When Brian walked quickly into the living room, he found AJ already sitting on the couch, looking intently at Howie, who'd begun again to cry quietly. Brian poured a glass of water and was holding it out toward Howie when Kevin returned with a still sleepy Nick.
When Howie didn't take the glass, Brian set it on the end table before sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He saw Kevin walk behind the couch and sit on its back, his hand on Howie's right shoulder. Nick he heard sit in the chair to his right, behind Howie.
"What is it, D?" Brian asked him.
Howie looked up at him with red, wet eyes. Then he turned his head to look at AJ, then again to see Kevin. When he turned to look back over his left shoulder, Nick -- awake now -- realized that Howie couldn't see him. He got out of the chair and came to kneel by the couch, near Howie's left shoulder and just to the right of Brian. Nick rested his hand on the back of Howie's neck, whispering, "I'm here, Howie."
"We're all here, man," AJ said reassuringly. "Tell us what's up?" Without realizing he'd done it, AJ had reached out and was resting his hand on Howie's knee. The five of them had always been affectionate with each other -- not just wrestling or wrapping arms around shoulders, but in private -- away from the fans and the cameras -- there was also a lot hand holding and hugging in both good and bad times. It came naturally to them now, and now -- when Howie needed them -- three of them were touching him.
Brian reached up and took Howie's left hand in both of his, completing the connection. "Whatever it is, bud, we're here for you." The others nodded their assent.
"Nothing's so bad that you can't tell us," Kevin added. "We're family. We love you."
Howie looked at them all again, then he looked down, staring vaguely in the direction of AJ but not seeing him, not really looking at anything. He drew in a deep breath, making his chest expand and his shoulders push away from the armrest of the couch. Slowly, he let the breath out, and when he looked up at them again, he seemed a bit stronger, a bit more comfortable.
"Guys," he began, "we've been together a long time. We've been through a lot together, and I don't wanna..." Words failed him. Nick began to rub the back of his neck, and Brian squeezed his hand.
"Just say it," AJ whispered. "It'll be all right."
Howie looked AJ straight in the eye, but he spoke to all of them at once. "I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I had something I had to figure out. But now I don't want to let you guys down, I don't want to let the fans down. If they find out about this..."
"Howie," Kevin interrupted gently, "just tell us what you need. Don't worry about us. And when we all know, we'll worry about the fans together." He emphasized the last word. His hand on Howie's shoulder squeezed a little.
Howie looked up at him with a distressed look in his eyes. Then he turned those eyes to AJ, then Brian, then over his shoulder toward Nick. Nick leaned in toward Brian to make the eye contact easier for Howie. Turning his gaze to some vague spot in the middle of his friends -- not looking at any one of them but obviously talking to all of them -- he again drew a breath and let it out slowly.
"Guys," he said quietly, "I think I'm straight."