Kiss of an Angel Chapter 29
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"Kiss Of An Angel 29"
I almost didn't want to wake up the next morning. You know? I wasn't ready yet. It's like I was dreading the kind of world that was facing me...now that it couldn't just be me and Tyler anymore. Like...JUST us, and nobody else!
It made me wallow in this disdain and disgust for the rest of the whole wide world, because...they're never going to understand. They're never going to leave us alone, are they? Except for Ryan and Randy, I almost wish the rest of the people on the planet would just...FUCKING go away!!!
Sorry for the bad language. But that's how I feel sometimes. I just don't want to feel like I have to think about them anymore. Worry about their judgements or their off-colored comments or their weird stares whenever Tyler and I hold hands in public. Why do they even CARE? Go find a hobby or something! Why bother two people in love who have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of your day?
It makes me want to cry soooo much sometimes. But there's nothing that I can really do about it. People just suck in general, I guess. They're constantly miserable and fundamentally broken inside, and they feel like they need to blame somebody else for it...just because they happen to be happy without their permission. Who NEEDS their permission? It's SO not fair!
Just imagine a world where Tyler and I could be boyfriends and not have it be weird to anybody who has no impact on our relationship in any possible way. How perfect would that be? Heck, even my parents should step aside and let us kiss and cuddle and have sex without feeling like they have to control and set boundaries on everything instead of peeing around every corner to spy on whatever it is that we're getting up to. Like, gee...I'm sorry that you didn't fall in love when you were fourteen years old, but I did! So leave us alone! And if we break up later, then we just break up. It's not up to them to play puppet master in our lives according to their ideas and standards, is it?
I don't know...maybe I'll have a different view of things when I get older. But for right now? I just want to be with my boyfriend and enjoy my life and my super rad romance with the most delicious boy that I've ever seen before in my whole fucking LIFE! Is that too much to ask? I want him in my mouth, and me in his, and I want him to stretch and push himself into my boyish hole every chance he gets while I tongue kiss his sweet lips and have him fill me up with one explosive eruption of his hot teen sperm after another without having to hide or hurry up before we get caught or any of that stuff. Just...I want the whole world to go AWAY for a while! And it makes me cry to know that it won't.
I guess, I just woke up in a crummy mood today. That's all.
Ugh, I'm such a stupid baby...
My mom made me breakfast this morning, but it wasn't as good as the breakfasts that Gramms usually makes. Of course, I didn't say that out loud...but Gramms was always, like, the absolute queen of 'before-school' breakfast. But my mom told me that she was really tired today, so she let her sleep late to recharge her batteries. I guess I could understand that. I get a little worn out myself from time to time. So, I sat at the table with my mom and talked for a bit, but I got a bit nervous when the doorbell rang. I mean...my mom was usually on her way to work by the time Tyler came by, so I started getting real shaky and SUPER nervous when I heard the 'ding-dong'!
In fact, I just sat there for a second, staring down down at my breakfast plate, feeling as though I was unable to move at all. Paralyzed, my hands on my thighs, fingers spread out to the max...I almost didn't hear my mother say, "Is that your friend, Tyler?"
"Huh?"
"Your friend, Tyler. From school?" She said.
"Oh. Yeah. Prolly." I said, breathlessly. But I still felt all frozen and weak. I was SO not ready for this! Not at all!
My mom waited for a bit, giving me a strange look as I wasn't getting up to answer the front door. Then when, the doorbell rang a second time, she stood up from the kitchen table to go answer it for me...which I saw as a much more apocalyptic result than anything that I could have created by just getting up to let him in myself. So I SWIFTLY popped up before she could go anywhere, and I nearly knocked over my chair behind me.
"I'LL GET IT!!!" I shouted, nearly causing my mom to shockingly gasp from the whole 'jump scare' nature of it all! I don't want her to see him yet! Or...I mean, she can see him...but she's not allowed to think about him. Or us. Or me and him being...
Whatever! She's not allowed!
This was so much easier when Gramms was down here making breakfast!
I ran in my sock feet to the front door, and snatched it open...almost forgetting what it was like to have to take the full force of Tyler's surreal 'beauty battering' all at once like that. It made me weak in the knees, and I nearly fell over when he smiled at me and brushed some of his blond hair out of his eyes. "Hey..." He said, hoisting his backpack full of books further up on his shoulder with a smile. Ugh! Everything that Tyler does is CUTE!!!!
"My Gramms made cheesecake cookies..." I said. Really? Is that the only thing that I could come up with at a moment's notice.
Tyler was confused for a second or two, but I think he was getting used to me being a total dork all the time. So he just said, "Cool. Can I have one?"
He's so sweet to not make me feel so weird about...well...being weird.
"Uh huh. I've got plenty left." I almost forgot to step aside and let him into my house, but I did my best to get the nuts to stop trebling in his presence so that I could be close to my Tyler again without going overboard and giving my mom any hints as to what was going on between us.
It wasn't an easy balance, believe me. But that screen door was for keeping bugs out of the house. Not my sweetie.
I whispered, "I thought I was gonna come over to your house instead today?"
"I know. But you seemed so sad when you left yesterday, I thought it my be cool to surprise you instead." He said. "I mean...that's ok, right?"
I don't EVER want Tyler to think that anything he does is not ok. "Yeah." I said, then forced myself to look him in the eye, "I mean...yeah. Sure. That was sweet. Thank you." Then, I mumbled, "My mom is home."
"Cool. Can I say hello?"
"If you want to..." I shrugged. This feels so silly inside.
As Tyler stepped in, I began shaking visibly as my mom first laid her eyes on him. SO awkward! I didn't know what to do with my hands, or my feet, or my FACE, for that matter. I just didn't want her to know yet, you know? I really didn't. I know that it seems silly or whatever, but...I'm not read. 'Other people' knowing stuff about me seems to complicate things waaaay more than it should. People have judgements and opinions and want to put rules on things that don't concern them. Tyler and me? We don't need that. We're fine just like we are. At least...I think we are.
"Hello." My mom said as she met Tyler for the first time, and I felt like an extremely tight knot was suddenly twisting itself up in the pit of my stomach. I can't explain it, but it was like my Utopian romance with the boy of my dreams was suddenly being tossed into a pit of threat and shame and chaos...when all I wanted was to do was love my favorite boy without anyone feeling like they were entitled enough to bear witness to it all. God...does this feeling ever go away? Like...ever?
"Hi, Mrs. Dalton. It's cool to finally meet you at long last." Tyler said sweetly.
"You too. Very 'cool' indeed." My mom said, but my panic attack was too far into its excited fever to let me relax now. "You're quite a stunning young man, aren't you?" She was smiling, and was probably just being nice or whatever, but my fear factor tingles suddenly shot off like a whole barrel of fireworks, and I found myself physically chocking off of my own supply of oxygen! GAHHH!!! Nooooo!
"We're gonna go to my room now!!!" I shouted loudly, and I grabbed Tyler tightly by the wrist to drag him off with me while my mom gave us an odd look. Heck, even Tyler gave me an odd look!
"Ummm, ok..." She called out. "Don't be late for school, Ari!" I was too busy trying to evacuate the area and finally get another brief fix for my new favorite drug.
I yanked Tyler into my room and pretty much stuck my tongue out first as I pressed my lips against his, my number one addiction unraveling like a cramped up muscle at long last. Everything was done in such a rush. Much different from what I was just now getting used to over Spring Break. I sucked on his tongue so HARD! I humped myself against him and found myself breathing so hard that I almost made myself dizzy. But, when my mom called out to us again from downstairs, I found myself conflicted as to whether I wanted to stop kissing Tyler or not.
Like....I could kiss him FOREVER, you know?
But Tyler chose to be the voice of reason in that situation, and he very gently pushed me away with a grin. "Ariel, hehehe! We'll have time for this later. Promise. But for now...we should go. K?"
It wasn't really a rejection of my severe affections and deepest inner cravings. Not really. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't seriously pout over having to let Tyler step backwards out of my embrace when I wanted him so bad that I could hardly breathe. It felt like a total heartbreak in the moment.
Real life was disappointingly sinking back into our special bond...and it felt like it was tearing us apart.
Still...what was I going to say? Please stay here and be cute for me, and me only, and never go back to school again? I can't do that. But...I don't WANT to go back to school where I have to curl up in dark little corners and act like Tyler isn't the most incredible, most awesome, most unbelievably RAD, part of my life! He deserves so much more than that. We both do, I think.
I found myself being really hurt by the idea of having to gather my homework papers up and shove them into my backpack so that I could go and submerge myself with the teenage cattle call of my meaningless, below average, school day again. I didn't want to do it. It all seemed so pointless now that I had a cutie like Tyler in my life. I mean...I just hated the idea of mixing myself up with people who thought I was weird, or clumsy, or just...invisible. Tyler never made me feel like that. I felt like I was ten feet tall whenever he was. I was sexy, and sweet, and lovable, whenever he held me in his arms. And now...I was going back to just being...
...Me.
Just...dumb old 'me'.
I gave Tyler a paper towel out of the kitchen with one of Gramms' awesome cheesecake cookies wrapped up in it before I forgot...but it was still kind of difficult for me to hide my true feelings about having to absorb all the joy out of the limited time that Tyler and I were going to have together before our classes ripped us apart again until lunch time.
"Mmmm, omigod! These are amazing!" Tyler hummed with appreciation, a delicate collection of crumbs sticking to his thin pink lips in a way that was just too adorable for words. "I love it! Thank your Gramms for this!"
"M'kay..." I said quietly. And then my mom said goodbye to us as Tyler finished off his snack and we stepped out of the front door. Did she notice how gorgeous he was? She's going to know that he super sexy. How super sexy he is. Just LOOK at him! He's like...the ultimate giveaway spoiler as to why boys like me don't ever have a girlfriend!
She's gonna find out. Ugh! I need to be more careful!
I think he could tell that I wasn't talking much on our walk towards school, but it's not like I had anything important to say, outside of 'I love you more and more with every waking moment of my life'. Every time I think that my brain has my heart all figured out...both sides fall all out of sync again. How do people function in everyday life being so lost like this all the time?
By the time we had gotten to the front steps of the high school building, I could barely lift my eyes up from the concrete beneath my sneakers. It's like, I have everything that I want in my life right now. So why do I still feel empty inside? What else is missing from this confusing equation? I don't even know what to ask for to make this craving for Tyler go away. I don't have any way to soothe the ache of it or at least suppress it for long enough to keep up a decent mask of normality in public to keep other people from noticing that something was 'off' about my current behavior.
Then again, both of my parents always said that I wasn't very good at hiding what was on my mind. That's not cool. Maybe I should wear a mask. Like Spider-Man or something.
"What's up? You ok?" Randy asked me as Tyler and I came across him and Ryan out front. Those two seem so relaxed with one another all the time, don't they? I envy that. Maybe Randy is better at this than I am. I tried to tell him that I was ok, but there wasn't a whole lot of energy in my denial...so I guess he was easily able to catch on to that too. Before I could even protest...not that I would ever be able to say 'No' to Randy Stephens anyway after all of the overly obsessive feelings that I've had for him too over the past year or so...he sort of touched my arm, and gave me a gentle tug so that we could maybe talk with a bit more privacy. Not as much privacy as I would normally wish for, but a hint more than we had just a few steps ago, I suppose. "Dude...you don't seem like you're ok to me. I mean, do you wanna talk about it or...?"
See? I'm doing it again. Now I'm burdening Randy with this garbage mentality of mine. How is that fair to him? I'm like a big, dark, cloud, hovering over everybody when I should just force myself to be happy with what I've got. It's more than most people could ever hope for. What's wrong with me?
I was looking around us, and all I saw was more judgement. More reasons to be paranoid. Even just seeing some other boy say hello to my boyfriend in passing gave me this pinch of heartbreak that wishes that he hadn't said hello back to him. Gosh, even having Ryan smile at him was enough to make me a bit jealous. This can't be healthy.
"Ariel?" Randy asked, and I tried to focus as I brushed my hair out of my eyes.
"Thanks, Randy. Really. I'm just...I'm..." Speak up. Come on. The sooner we can get through this, the better. "...I just really don't want to be here today." Oh God! What did I say??? I didn't mean to say that out loud. A part of me wanted to clasp both of my hands over my mouth, but I think Randy would have recognized my awkward attempts to shut myself up if I had done that. Instead, I just stood there with a pained look on my face for a few seconds, and he asked me if I meant that I didn't want to be here at school. It was an easy way out, right? Nobody wants to come back to school after Spring Break. It's such a let down. But...he can be so easy to talk to sometimes, you know? I wouldn't DARE to tell him everything, but I found myself getting the courage to say, "Yeah. I just wish I could have stayed home today." Adding, "You know...with Tyler."
I peeked up into his eyes for a quick second or two, just to see if he had any idea what the heck I was talking about. I couldn't quite tell if he did, or if he didn't, but he nodded slightly like he might have caught a glimpse of what was savagely penetrating my heart at that very moment. And that, combined with a comforting look of concern for my current mood really did help to put me at ease at that moment. Even if I felt like an emotionally bully for forcing him to listen at all.
Sighhh...Randy Stephens...
There's something about that boy that will always take up residence in my heart. No matter what. It's weird. Don't tell Tyler, though! He wouldn't understand.
"Hey, Ariel? You ready to go in?" Tyler called out to me, and I looked at his smile as the wind gently blew through his blond hair, almost as if in slow motion. Dang, he's beautiful!!!
"Sure. I'm ready if you are...Tyler..."
"Alright, we'll see you guys at lunch for some of their rubbery chicken nuggets and stale mac n' cheese?" Tyler grinned, and Ryan and Randy agreed to meet up with us then, just before we entered those front doors.
And....here we go.
Back at school.
No late night phone calls. No day long sex romps. Now cuddling under the covers while we both tried our best not to fall asleep from exhaustion. Just more secrets. More lies. More hidden glances and coded language for what we really mean and worrying about who's paying the most attention to every little thing that we say or do.
I don't want it to make me sad...but it does.
Because I, honestly, don't know if I was built to withstand this kind of pressure for any length of time. Nor was I built for the pressure that might follow me trying to relieve the pressure from my first problem of not telling anybody what's going on with me in the first place. I'm stuck in the middle...
...and, at some point...I'm going to have to choose.
I don't see either option ending up as being as 'trouble free' as I'd like it to be. Only time will tell, I suppose.
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