Michael's Secret Love Chapter 6 (U) Written By: Justin Case 4/22/00 ------------
Disclaimer: Hey, this story is about gay love. I use sex and describe it graphically to tell my story. If this is illegal where you are, you know what to do. I write fiction so if any of this seems real, call me, you owe me money. If there is any resemblance of this story to actual places, events, or people, I want to go there and meet them. It surely would be coincidental, because I made them all up. Oh, and one last thing, don't try the things I write about, unless you know what you're doing.
Words from the author: Hey, Hey, it's me, Justin, and here we go. I have been working on these "fine" stories (your word, not mine) for just about a month. I have been inundated with messages and e-mails. Wow, is all I can say. I cannot believe that I have reached so many. Some of the things you say to me are just unbelievable. I am truly honored by your many comments; I just hope I can live up to them.
I usually get up here in my soapbox, before my tale begins. I tell you all about the IM's I get. Hey, I got to share the best one I've been getting lately. I find it hard to believe, "are you gay?" I mean, HELLO, is any one home there? I see the lights on.
I got to share one e-mail comment I got on this story. Reader wrote me to complain about Michael's Secret Love. He thought Eugene was going to be Michael's secret love, from James. I had to laugh; is he reading my story or writing it in his head? My good readers, you can't figure out where this story is going because I won't let you. I will tell the story in due time; hopefully, you will sit back and enjoy the journey with me. The reader thought it cheesy because I spoke of love between Michael and James; then Eugene shows up and does the dirty in the back seat right behind James. He wanted to know how I could speak of love in such a manner. To him and others that think like him, you ain't seen nothing yet. Sit back and allow the words to sink in, hear my message. I caution you, do not jump to conclusions; you have no idea where this story is going yet. I haven't let you know.
With that said, let me say, hey, keep the mail coming, boys and girls. Yep, Yep, I said girls. I have been receiving e-mails from some women, and love their deep insights. The address hasn't changed, they haven't silenced me yet. Justin69SK@aol.com
I felt dirty. Why did I let him do that? I loved James. James, what was I going to say to James? Hell, I had to get out of that car. I had to get some fresh air. "Please, Mrs. Libby, could you pull over? I feel like I'm going to be sick." I heard the words come from my lips.
"Oh, my gosh, Michael, yes, here's a spot. Are you all right?" Mrs. Libby asked, glancing in her rearview mirror at me.
The car came to a stop, I opened the door and got out. I puked my guts out. I saw the carrots from the beef stew my Mom had made for dinner. I smelled that vomit smell. Looking at the pile on the ground in front of me and that putrid smell made me retch again, only nothing came out. I stood there outside the Sable alone, and humiliated. I felt violated. I hurt, physically and mentally. I took some deep breaths to clear that taste from my mouth. I had been standing outside the car for a good five minutes when James got out.
"Are you all right, Mike?" He was totally confused. He was concerned, but he saw the look I gave him. He understood that something was really bothering me. "We'll talk when we get home, just you and me," he said, and then mouthed to me over the vehicle, "I Love YOU". He got back into the front seat.
I took a couple more breaths and got in the back. I clung to the door and kept my window open as far as it would go down. I didn't want Eugene to come near me. I sat in silence the rest of the way to the Libbys' house. I was so upset with myself for allowing Eugene to have his way with me. I was confused by why it felt so good.
We pulled into the Libbys' yard and got out of the Sable. Mrs. Libby headed right inside. Eugene, James, and I stood in the driveway.
"Are you OK, Mike?" Eugene asked me.
"Yeah, I'll be fine, just something must not have agreed with my stomach," I said, burning my green eyes into his soul. I was furious with him, but I still couldn't hate him. He didn't know that James and I were lovers; it was my fault, not his. I wanted him to understand that he couldn't do that to people without their consent. The only problem was, I didn't verbalize my thoughts. I tried to do it with my look.
"Michael, maybe you should come in and lay down a little. I'll have my mom take you home," James said. "Eugene, you might as well go home; we'll see you in the morning." James, my direct James.
I turned my eyes to my lover, and thanked him with my eyes. Eugene said his good-byes and left. We stood there and watched him cross the street and head for his house.
"Michael, are you sure you're OK? I feel terrible for you," James said as he reached for my hand.
"Yeah, James, I'm fine. I just think I want be alone. I'm gonna walk home. Thanks for the offer, but I just need to get some fresh air. I love you, James Libby," I said to James in my most convincing way.
"OK, Mike, I'll see you tomorrow. I love you too. I really wish you'd come in for a little bit and let my mom take you home." James was real upset as he said it, I could tell.
"No, I'll be fine, really. I just need some fresh air. I'll see you tomorrow, buddy," I said as I turned to walk home.
I walked slowly home. I was in a dilemma of sorts. I didn't want to hurt James and admit to him what I had done. I didn't want to hurt Eugene either; he just didn't know about James and me. I mean, while his technique was inappropriate, he meant me no harm. He had expressed his feelings for me the best way he knew how. I didn't want to have James hate him out of jealousy either. The three of us had just gotten back together. I didn't know what to do. I felt so lonely and ashamed.
I slept like a log that night. I entered my inner sanctum and undressed in the dark. I threw myself into my bed. Even though it was warm out, I pulled my comforter over my head and fell into a deep sleep.
I woke the next morning with the lingering feeling of guilt. It wouldn't leave me. I was too upset with myself. It was about quarter to seven; I decided I'd call Eugene. I felt I needed to clear the air with him. I needed to let him know as gently as I could that there would not be a future for him and me. I couldn't tell him about James, though; that was our secret.
I reached for my phone. I decided I couldn't do this over the phone. I would have to talk to him in person. Yes, that's what I would do. I'd tell James about it on the way to school and then we would decide how to handle it, together.
I left the house that morning in a daze of sorts. My mom asked if I was all right. I told her I had a history exam and was thinking about it. She didn't seem to push the issue, so she must have believed me.
I cut through the Shannucks' yard, Mrs. Shannuck was on her porch smoking her morning cigarette. She was there most mornings when I passed by lately. I nodded toward her.
"Morning, Michael, how are you this morning? I am excited about the concert; I heard you're going to be the soloist this year. Congratulations," Mrs. Shannuck said to me as I passed through her yard.
"Thank you, yes, I'm excited too. I hope my voice cooperates with me," I said as I came across her side yard and cut through her front lawn. "See you tomorrow, or later today," I called back to her as I started up the street to meet James.
There he was, my James. As I got closer to him we smiled to each other. James was wearing my favorite outfit. He had on his Van's, the light blue ones, and his Nike NC State basketball shirt; the light blue and dark blue that matched the shoes, and his MacGear beach pants. He was hot, especially when he wore that outfit, it matched his eyes and pulled the blue out of them. I loved it when I could see skin on my boy. I loved looking at his legs; those little light blonde hairs sparkled in the morning sun.
"Morning, sunshine. How you feeling this morning?" James said, his eyes twinkling.
"Good, love," I said as I looked him up and down. I couldn't take my eyes off his beauty. His hair was starting to lighten up because of the sun. He would get these nice blonde streaks in his hair every summer, naturally.
"Man, I watched "Hope Floats" last night after you left. My mom rented it. It was pretty depressing. It was about a woman and her daughter. The sleazy husband cheats on his wife and leaves her. The poor daughter wanted to live with her dad, and he blows her off. How can people be so mean? If you love someone, there has to be some kind of commitment, don't you agree?" James asked me, and he was real intent.
"Yeah, I know," was all I could say. The guilt mounted now. How could I be so mean? I felt so disgusted with myself, I wanted to cry. Tears started to sting at my eyes.
"Hey, buddy, I didn't mean to upset you. It was just a movie," James said as he looked into my eyes and smiled at me. "At least we never have to worry about cheating on each other, we are way too much in love for that," he said, and I felt like a knife cut through my heart as he said it.
"Yeah, way too much," I replied.
"Hey, look, it's Eugene. I thought about him last night, he really is fun to have around. We all share the same interests," James said, sounding excited about the reunion of Eugene and us.
"Yeah, same interests." I sighed as I said it, but my sigh was on deaf ears. James was shouting to Eugene.
"Hey, Gene, how's it hanging, dude?" James called out to Eugene who was headed our way.
I couldn't tell James now, what was I going to do? Oh, why does life have to be so complicated? I was happier yesterday before Eugene hit his flat note. He hit it to become our friend again.
"Yo, dawgs, wassup?" Gene said in a cheerful voice. "Mikey, how you feeling this morn, dude?" he said to me.
I wanted to crawl under the bus, shit the bus. The school bus was at the corner, about three hundred feet from us, and the other kids were getting on. We ran to get to it, couldn't miss the bus. Anne, she's our bus driver, has been for years, was running early; it was only like five after seven. She saw us coming and held the door open for us. We ran as fast as our legs would carry us and boarded the bus.
James and Eugene were ahead of me; they ended up sitting in the same seat and I had to sit with Sally. Man, I hate Sally and I hated not being able to sit with my James. Make that the fourth and fifth things I hate. If we could tell people about us, we could sit together. We couldn't and I certainly wouldn't make a big deal out of it, so as not to be suspected as being gay. I probably wouldn't have minded as much if it weren't Eugene that James ended up with.
I sat there next to Sally Pedneault; she was from Holliston. God, I hated everything about her. She was so stuck up. She knew everything and if you didn't believe me, ask her. Sally was always arguing with someone. She would say, "because they're so argumentative, they always have to be right." I'd laugh to myself. She was the one always arguing she brought on her own woes. I remember one time she said to me, "You shouldn't have picked that song, it's all wrong for you to sing." It was the time I sang "I Do" by 98 degrees for James at last year's spring concert. It was a special time for him and me, and I sang it so only he knew it was for him. Sally felt I should have sung a more upbeat song. I didn't fall for her trap. Instead of asking me why I sang the song I chose, she insulted me. Sally was so consumed with herself, she didn't even realize she was rude.
I wondered why some people just don't get it. I mean, there are ways to say things and there are ways. I try so hard to put myself in the other's shoes before I say things; it's hard work, but I try not to hurt others. I try to be kind and considerate, and it usually is returned to me tenfold. I was thinking about all this when I heard her; she wanted to engage me into her dark world.
"You're going to do a good job next week, aren't you? I mean, you have memorized the words to "Where Is Love?", right? Can't be up there all alone and forgetting the words. You should practice in front of like a mirror," Sally said, trying to be nice in her own twisted way.
"Gee, Sally, I will do my best for the school. I appreciate your kindness," I said to 'Miss Know It All' out of the corner of my mouth.
Sally sat there looking confused and had to engage me, her day wouldn't be complete, so she went on; "I mean you don't want to embarrass yourself like last year, that song you sang was like so lame."
"Umm, yeah, I see your point," I said. I mean, no matter what I said she would find fault. It was best to diffuse her. I mean, why didn't she just say she wanted to spank me for my lameness, or slap me? God knows I wanted to slap her; about a hundred other people and me. I really think she was the only graduate of the Sally School of Charm.
After my success in shutting her down, she moved on to another target. I was grateful. I sat in silence the rest of the way to school. Then it dawned on me, why had Eugene walked to our bus stop? I mean he lived right across the street from Bonnie Eagle, why had he come to meet James and me? Then the guilt returned to me. My stomach was in knots when we got off the bus.
"Hey, Mike, can I like talk to you sometime today?" Eugene asked me as we walked into the school.
"Sure, I mean like when?" I said, hoping James would come to my rescue; no such luck.
"Hey, Michael, I have to stay late today for that detention I got in study last week. Why don't you and Eugene meet me at the Lobster Shack, say at three?"
"Sounds like a plan," I responded to James, totally numb to my feelings.
"Yeah, Michael, I'll meet you at the doors here right after last bell, dude," Eugene said with too much excitement.
The day dragged on. I was so upset. I lost my temper with Mike Battista, and he's such a loving kind of guy. I mean all he said was, "Hope you do a good job next week."
"What, you think I'd screw it up on purpose?" I asked him, biting his head off. "Why don't you and Sally get together, I hear she's looking for a good guy." I couldn't stop my verbal assault. Where was all this anger coming from? Why was I so fucking mad? I was so defensive. Michael Battista was the most generous, considerate guy in the junior class and I was a real shit.
At the final bell I met Eugene at the doors to Bonnie Eagle; we walked together to the Lobster Shack. I had to talk to him, I had to tell him where he stood. Unfortunately he had other plans.
"Michael, I am so glad we have this time to be alone. I have wanted so much to talk to you since last night. I am sorry if I, well, it's.. well.. Michael, I'm gay. I hope you won't hate me. I've wanted to tell you since we were little. I tried to tell you that night we slept out together. You and James just made fun of me. Ever since, we don't talk. Michael, please don't hate me. I can't help the way I feel about you. It's the way I am. I love you, Mikey, really love you." He said these words a hundred miles per hour. He had tears streaming down his cheeks.
I was blown away by his candor; he must have agonized for years. I realized how brave he was that moment. He was courageous enough to tell me his innermost secret. He loved me. Oh, man how could I hurt him now? I had to think, to me this was a very delicate situation. I couldn't exactly tell him about James and me without James's permission, that was our secret.
"Eugene, I am truly flattered, I really am. However, I have someone in my life. I can't tell you who it is right now. I love someone else. I want you to know I don't hate you because you're gay, it's cool with me. I need you to know that there can never be anything other than friendship between us. I hope you accept it, I want to be your friend," I said, very controlled and well thought out. I didn't want to give anything away about James and me until I had James's consent. I had to keep my secret from Eugene so he wouldn't figure it all out, that wouldn't have been fair to James.
Eugene burst into tears and ran, he just ran away. I called after him but he just kept running. What had I done? Oh, I didn't know what to do. I turned him down, after he told me he was gay. I hoped he didn't think I was patronizing him. I just wasn't prepared to handle the matter any other way. This had all happened too fast for me to think clearly. What would I tell James? How could I tell him? I allowed Eugene to pleasure me, while in the back seat of James's car. The worst part was, James was right there. I didn't know what to do or where to turn for answers.
I sat there in the Lobster Shack staring off into space. I felt so very alone.
"Hey, Mike, everything all right? Where's Gene?" James said, sitting at the table with me. I hadn't even seen him come in.
Wow, secrets. Look what they can do. I hate to leave you all here, but I must. I hope you're enjoying the ride. See you in a week with the continuing saga of Michael's Secret Love. Thanks for your time. E-mail me if you like at Justin69SK@aol.com