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My Eyes Have Seen You
Hi, my names Dylan. Ever since I was little I knew I was different. I was always nervous around boys and comfortable around girls. Everytime I heard my sisters talking about a cute boy on television, I could agree with them. Once I hit puberty instead of just seeing my attraction to boys, I felt it too. I started masturbating, and when I masturbated I had thoughts of boys in my head, I tried to masturbate to girls, but I couldn't find anything sexually enticing in them.
My best friend Gina, she always understood, and made sure not to tell anyone about it. She was the only one who knew about me being gay. She was always saying things like, "ooh, that guys cute, you should ask him out" and then laugh, I would laugh too, but inside, it actually hurt. I didn't want to offend her or make her feel bad by telling her to stop, but the thing was I couldn't come out yet. If I did I'd be beaten up, picked on, and messed with my entire time left in school. I didn't like that, the fact that I couldn't just go up to a boy I liked and ask him out like everyone else in my school could, that wasn't even an option for me. Sometimes I'd cry myself to sleep, only wanting someone next to me, to hold and kiss, someone to love.
There was this boy I really liked, more than the others, his name was Alex. He's a year older than me, everytime the thought "I can't be with him" popped into my head, I felt a hollow feeling in my chest. He has dirty blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and the most beautiful face I have ever seen.
I was in a pretty good mood all day in school, no particular reason, just felt good. The day wasn't too bad, not fast, but just seemed to flow well. Before I knew it my last class went by, and I got out. It was friday, and I didn't have any homework, so I put my backpack in my locker. I was heading towards the exit, to walk home, but then someone tapped my shoulder before I walked out the front door. It was Alex.
"hey, Dylan, mind if we talk in the cafeteria?" I shook my head, wondering why.
We walked to the cafeteria, and a million questions entered my head, but the two that stayed were, Why was he taking me here? and How does he even know my name? I thought I was completely oblivious to him, not only because I was a grade under him, but also because I think hes straight.
He sat down at one of the tables, it was a square table with a row of seats on each side. There was no one in the room, everyone already left. He patted the seat next to him, so I sat down next to him, we were pretty close, which also made me pretty nervous.
"Now, Dylan, I don't know how you're going to take this, and im risking alot by coming out to you, but I can't stand it anymore. Dylan... I--I'm gay, and Ive liked you for a long time now. I have no idea if you are straight or not, and Ive always hoped you werent. I always daydream about holding hands with you in the halls, and not caring what everyone thinks...and sneaking kisses when no ones looking...."
I blushed, he seemed pretty calm, besides playing with his fingers. I think he planned what he was going to say and do, I think hes been thinking about this for a while.
"So, Dylan. What do you think?"
I got enough courage to speak, "umm...I..I..dont know...." I wasn't planning on this, so I didn't know what to say.
I saw Alex's eyes tear up a bit, I think he took it the wrong way. "Ok Dylan, I was hoping you werent straight, but I guess you are, please don't tell anyone about this...."
"hey, I never said that, sorry, I guess you took that kind of wrong....I just...wasn't planning on this happening....Alex, Ive liked you for so long...Ive actually cried myself to sleep thinking that I can't be with you."
"me too" Alex said.
He took my hands, "So, what do you think?"
The biggest grin came across my face, "I think it's great!...but now what?"
"Now, I'm going to take you to the movies on saturday, my treat." he winked at me.
I couldn't stand it anymore, I stood up and hugged him, that felt so good, and he was so warm. He put his arms around me and we both just hugged each other.
I didn't want to break it, but I knew mom would be getting worried about me, "I have to get home, umm heres my phone humber, call me..." I took a piece of paper I found in my pocket and luckily there was a pencil on the floor, and wrote down my number and gave to him. We gave each other a short hug before we parted.
As I walked down the empty hallway, I felt like shouting, I wasn't sure what, but I wanted to yell, not out of anger or sadness, but out of excitement and love. I want to jump up and tell the world, tell the world of what I was feeling, Tell the world of something uknown, something secret, something filled with joy. Something that would make the people who want to commit suicide drop their knives, make the soliders drop their weapons, and make all the people filled with hate, smile.
I ran home, I didn't want to miss his call. I stopped at the doorstep and caught my breath, if I just ran in, my mom would want to know why, and I don't like lying to my parents. So I walked in and saw my mom sitting on the couch, I guess my dad was at work.
"hey honey, have a good day?"
"Yep! a very good day!"
she laughed at my excitement, "well, thats good"
I went upstairs and stretched out on my bed. Was this all a dream? Did this really happen? Yes, yes it did. I did happen, and this is the happiest day of my life. I went downstairs to get something to eat, I was in the middle of a tuna fish sandwich and chips when I heard the phone ring. I almost dropped my sandwich on the floor trying to get tot he phone.
"hello?" I asked.
"hey Dylan, its me."
"Alex..."
"Ive been thinking about you.."
"same here, we still up for tomorrow?"
"yep"
"Good, well, sorry I can't talk more, I have to go, but tomorrow we will, we'll talk about alot of things."
"Goodbye Alex..."
"Bye Dylan," He hung up.
I felt the same excitement as I did when I left school, but I savored the experience. I walked slowly, did everything slowly, it felt good, I actually felt complete, no problems could come at me now. Nothing could have bothered me.
All night I thought about what I was going to do, what I was going to wear, what I was going to act like. And after all that thought I drew up one conculsion, just do what comes natural, if he doesn't like it, then theres no water to let the relationship grow into something fruitful.
It was very hard going to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Even in this cold darkness, I was in my own little world, nothing in this darkness could hurt me, and if it were, love and joy in its purest form would heal me. After a while of thinking and daydreaming, I fell asleep.
The first thought in my head when I woke up, was Alex. I was dreaming all night long, only to awake to daydreaming, I couldn't help but laugh at that. I went downstairs and made myself some cereal. I ate slowly, I wanted to taste every bit of it, I wanted to reap the fruits of everything life had to offer me.
I laid out my clothes early, I picked a decent outfit, nothing too flashy, but nothing that ordinary. I made sure my hair was perfect, and by that I mean standing in front of the mirror for half an hour struggling with it, hehe. I read some of No One Here Gets Out Alive, the Jim Morrison biography to pass the time, thinking about Jim Morrison always gave me a little bit of extra self confidence.
I told my mom I was going to the movies with a friend, a new friend that they haven't met yet. Hopefully, in time, I will be able to come out to my parents, but not right now, I don't think I could right now no matter how much I want to. I'm going to take it easy, date Alex, and once the time comes, I know it will be right, and of course Alex has to be right beside me to back me up, I don't think I could do that alone.
It was nearly time, Alex was going to come by my house, and pick me up, and we'd walk from there, Alex didn't have a car yet, but walking will be nice. Once I heard knocking on the door, it felt like it was knocking on a beehive, and the beehive is me, and the bees were my nerves. I suddenly got very nervous, but I blocked it out and answered the door. It was Alex.
He put his arm around my shoulder and we walked from there. I put my arm around his waist. I felt really loved, I felt really good. I love Alex. Our footsteps echoed in the cold, empty street. We didn't say anything the whole time, there wasn't any need to, words alone couldn't justify what we were feeling.
When we got to the movie theatre Alex went to go get some stuff to eat, and he told me to get the tickets. We both got our things and went into the movie theatre. It was vast and silent, there was no one in there but us, it was the late night show. We sat in the back row. Alex put his arm around me and I rested my head on his chest. He looked down and smiled at me.
"I love you Alex." I said, staring deeply into his warm friendly eyes.
He put his arm around my stomache and kissed me. I was stunned at first, but then I kissed him back. I couldn't believe this, I was making out in the back of a movie theatre with the boy of my dreams, this is a dream come true. I put my hands on his head and continued to kiss him.
When we walked out of that movie theatre, I couldn't stop grinning. I felt so good, I felt so loved, I felt the best I have ever felt. My first kiss with my first love.