DISCLAIMER: This story is based in truth. Some events/persons have been altered for the purpose of the story. There may be scenes of unsafe practices which are not endorsed by this author. All other usual warnings and precautions should be considered here. Feel free to write with any comments, corrections, etc. Think of this as a Gedankenexperiment. And remember to donate to Nifty to support all of these great stories.
A bitter truth is always better than the sweetest lie. This idea does not immediately sound correct but it does hold weight. I had been living with the belief of telling people what they wanted to hear to move them along. It took me until the Sunday after Columbus Day weekend that year to learn otherwise. A lie can move someone forward, but it cannot progress them. Truths reveal things to people which they did not otherwise know. They progress people.
Vacations at school were never that exciting to me. There was more time to work on projects and explore the non-academic side of college life. I understood the precious value of time, but was a vacation really the best use of time? That Columbus Day weekend I spent two nights part way drunk and another finishing a problem set. For me I would have done that regardless of whether or not we celebrated a murderous explorer.
Vacations at school were exciting to my parents. They enjoyed having me back from school for short bursts throughout the year. Well, my mother enjoyed it more than my father did. Work made my father indifferent to most things over the years. He was a lawyer turned hardware store owner and landlord. My family had invested early on in a few properties in town which turned out very favorable for us. We didn't have enough money to be considered affluent, but I appreciated having my education covered. My mother didn't hold a definite career. She did however enjoy arranging flowers and obsessing over her children. I had two sisters, I was the youngest child. Since I declined to visit for Columbus Day weekend, I was obligated to return home the following Friday.
"You absolutely have to tell them."
Cole and I were walking back to his apartment that Friday afternoon. The week prior had been amazing for us. Ever since we started to figure out how all of this was going to work, everything else just made sense. We read comics together, critiqued new bands, did math homework, and just watched leaves fall off the trees. All of those things were ways of sharing what we enjoyed and exploring parts of each other which were still unknown. Nothing could have been more perfect.
"I know, it's important," I replied solemnly.
"You'll do great," Cole gave me a kiss as we arrived at his corner.
"I love you," we made eye contact.
"I love you too," he turned and walked away.
This would be my first obstacle to face alone. I told Kyle and Lex about Cole on my own. For some reason though this felt different. There was no one at home I could turn to if things went poorly. I chose not to retain my friends from high school except for one, and even then we didn't discuss personal matters. This would be a test of my fortitude for certain.
Friday afternoon I boarded a bus for home. The bus trip was as boring as ever. I listened to a variety of Kanye West songs and watched the New England landscape roll past the window. Few other passengers joined me on the ride since this weekend was no different than any other. I anticipated the trip to take the normal two and a half hours of riding. Sure enough I arrived in my hometown at 8:42 that evening.
My hometown was nothing exciting in my opinion. It was a standard New England coastal town in Vermont. There was a main area with a few shops, restaurants, police station, and boat dock. My family did not own a boat, but we did own the hardware store, photography shop, fish fry, and a small apartment building. The town was burgeoning with broken dreams and innocent hopefuls. It was almost like a 1920's Hollywood, but colder and not nearly as much noir. If one could picture soot stained brick buildings smelling of salt and crisp leaves then my town was not far from that vision.
I embarked from the bus at a corner gas station. Luckily I had the forethought of wearing my winter coat here. With my duffel bag slung over my shoulder I made my way for home. I felt like a character in the beginning of some horrible holiday romantic comedy. Walking back to a world which was once familiar to me. I was going somewhere, but I wasn't sure it was home anymore.
The house was unchanged since I left it that summer. Usually something was painted or a new plant adorned the front yard, but not this time. I was glad that our house was modest yet accommodating. If there was one thing I was grateful my parents taught me it was humility. Actually, they taught me the value of modesty and I took it to another extreme. I almost never spoke of any of my successes and didn't like to gloat over others. Our house was a typical two story New England style home with shutters and a red wood door set back on the porch. The white paint was starting to peel away from the salt spray of the nearby ocean. I hadn't changed since last summer either, I just figured out who I was. The house always knew it was a house.
Three knocks on the door. Suddenly I was mortified. A great unknown awaited me inside this home. The place where I held so many memories, an almost sacred space of my development. They would view me as a profane distortion of all they stood for. The door flew open moments later and my mother greeted me in an expected manner. Tomorrow I would have to tell them.
Even though it was later on in the evening my mother still decided to cook dinner for me. I hadn't eaten anything on the trip so I was not opposed to the idea. I sat at the counter in our kitchen and let my bag fall to the floor next to me. We spoke about how school was going and how life was here in town. I could detail at length her accounts of what our neighbors were doing and how the real estate was holding up, but none of that really mattered to me. There was a feeling of hollowed existence where once I felt at home. It took me two years of college to finally feel that this was no longer my home.
After dinner I went upstairs to my room and threw my bag on my bed. I suspected my sisters wouldn't be home this weekend, and they weren't. It was just me and my parents in the house which was no longer my home. All of this was chalked up to the idea that I was moving on. Life was teaching me a lesson in growing up and figuring out who I was. No longer would I be the kid who walked down by the water in jeans and a plaid shirt waiting for something to happen. Now I was the person who had discovered a number of things worth living for. I discovered my true passions in mathematics and music. Cole was the person I would love and devote myself to. Now that I knew what was most important to me I could start trying to formulate a life around them.
This conclusion sparked an idea. I searched through the desk in my room for a legal pad. My existence would not be complete without legal pads. I flipped through the random thoughts jotted down on countless pieces of paper and tore off a blank page. I decided I would start a flowchart for my life. The first three boxes I created were "Music", "Math", and "Cole". Whatever boxes followed would have to be founded in at least one of those three ideas.
At some point I fell asleep as I stared at my ceiling thinking about what my future may hold. I hadn't realized how tired my traveling had made me that day. My exhaustion was also partly due to how anxious I was growing over telling my parents about Cole. Was I gay? Even I still couldn't answer that question but the evidence truly was pointing to "yes". However, my parents didn't need to know about my inner struggle. I would simply tell them about Cole and leave it at that.
The next morning was like living in a flashback. It was as if I never left for college. My mother had cooked breakfast downstairs and I could hear her calling for me. Her call woke me and I realized I was still wearing my clothes from last night. I took out some clothes from my bag and changed before heading downstairs. The house was cold.
"Good morning sweetheart," my mother greeted me.
"Good morning," I stated as I sat down to eat.
My mother gave me a report of her plans for the day. I mostly listened to what she had to say as I ate my waffles. Apparently my father had to leave earlier this morning to fix a broken gas pipe in the apartment building. The reason I addressed my parents so formally is that there was nothing casual about our relationship. They weren't strict in any sense, but I couldn't help but feel that every exchange was a formality. I felt removed from whatever world they had created. I excused myself to take a shower but I asked that my mother not leave until I could speak to her this morning.
That shower was the most nerve wracking fifteen minutes of my life. Well, that was until the forty-five second exchange I had with my mother about Cole. I could not think of how to express my thoughts in a way which any human could comprehend. Something would come out of me and hopefully she could interpret it. I finished up in the bathroom and headed back downstairs. My mother was just putting on her coat to go run errands. I suspected grocery shopping and checking on my father.
"Was there something you wanted to tell me Lucas?" her voice was full of kind inquiry.
"Mother, there's been a development at school," that was probably the most awkward beginning I could have thought up.
"Did you fail a test? Is math too hard for you? I told you not to switch, I always thought political science was better for you," of course she had the solution to everything.
"No I'm doing just fine in math. Better, in fact, than I was in my other major. This is about my personal life," I was nervous.
"What is it? Did someone hurt you? Do you have a girlfriend now?" that last question hurt for some reason.
"Worse. Mother, I have a boyfriend, his name is Cole," at this point I didn't even feel like I was inhabiting my own body.
"Lucas, that choice is your own. I look upon you no differently than before. I'm going grocery shopping now," and so she did.
My mother turned and left the house as if I had just told her I changed my mailing address. It was as if I had asked her if she preferred Coke or Pepsi. There was no sense of acceptance or rejection. She merely processed my words and went on her way.
I sat in my living room stunned and unmoving. I watched as it rained lightly outside and the oak tree in our front yard shed more of its leaves. But I couldn't think. My capacity for rationalization had escaped me. I remained motionless for five hours. My phone vibrated a number of times, but I did nothing to check what might have been happening. Finally at three o'clock my mother returned home.
"Lucas can you help me with the groceries?" she had brought two bags into the house and set them in the kitchen.
"Sure," I saw no reason to oppose her request.
We unloaded the groceries from the car as the rain fell steadily. Not once was there mention of our prior conversation. I decided I wouldn't bring anything up if she wasn't going to. There was no point in pushing anything and angering my mother. After all of the groceries were packed away I went upstairs to my room. In order to clear my head I researched potential career paths for mathematics. Statistics sounded particularly appealing to me. My flowchart gained a box from the math box. At this point in my life I would now try to become a statistician.
At six o'clock my mother announced that dinner had been prepared. I headed downstairs to eat and noticed that my father was also home. The three of us sat at the table to eat. My mother had prepared chicken and mushroom with wild rice in a cream sauce. The meal truly did taste delicious.
"Hello father," I said as I took a seat at the table.
"How is school going?" he asked.
"It's fine. I'm glad I changed to math, I like my classes much better," I replied.
"That's good. I've heard you have been making other changes at school too," clearly he had been told about Cole.
"Yes, and I'm happy with those changes too," I was afraid of what might come next.
"So long as you don't do anything you regret and stay in school, those choices are your own," he went to eating his food.
"Understood," we all ate our dinner.
The rain outside subsided after dinner was finished and the plates were cleaned off. I watched the local news with my parents until eight that evening. Then I announced that I would be going for a walk, something I had always done while living there. My parents weren't opposed to my leaving.
That night I didn't go to sleep. In fact, I didn't even return home. I walked down to the coast and sat on a rock under the faint glow of the lights on the boat dock. The sand was still wet from the earlier rain. Smells of the ocean and dirt permeated my nose. Immediately I thought of Cole. For a while I merely thought of him and everything we had been through. I listened to the sound of the waves and the boats knocking against the wooden dock. I accepted that my parents would retain the idea that, "my choices were my own". It was their way of saying that they would not condemn whatever I decided to do so long as it was not forced upon them. I harbored no anger against them, they had their own lives to live and I had mine.
At six o'clock that morning I watched the sky begin to brighten. Despite the early hour I decided to call Cole. When I drew my phone from my pocket I checked the seven notifications I had. Three of them were emails from school about whatever events were occurring that weekend. One was a text from Kyle asking where our spatula was. Two were texts from Cole asking about the weekend and the last was a missed call from Cole. He didn't leave a voicemail. Now was as good a time as ever to call him back.
"Lucas?" Cole had clearly been woken from sleep.
"Yeah, did I wake you?" at this point I was tired too.
"Yeah, it's six in the morning. Why are you up?" he asked.
"I never went to sleep last night."
"You're fucked up. What did you end up doing then?"
"I walked down to the beach and sat on a rock by the dock all night."
"Did your parents kick you out or something?"
"No. They just told me that `my choices were my own'. I decided to come down here on my own. I just want to go back to school. It's weird here."
"Coming from you that's saying something. Well if your parents didn't get angry with you I guess that's a start. But what exactly did you tell them?"
"I just said that I had a boyfriend, Cole, at school. It wasn't a very long conversation really."
"At least you said something. I want you to come back to school too. I have a surprise to show you."
"Anything like your last surprise?"
"Which was?"
"A blowjob."
"No, it's not that, but we can do that too."
"Oh my sir, a surprise and a blowjob, you sure do treat me well," I mocked him.
"Just go to bed so you can get on a bus in three hours. I love you Lucas."
"I love you too Coleton."
At this time, breakfast was in order. I walked back in town to the bagel shop close to my house. My order was the usual egg and cheese on an everything bagel. It was like eating nostalgia. Despite how much a stranger I now felt in this town, every aspect of it was still very much a part of me. There were only a few customers at this hour ordering coffee and assorted other breakfast items. The bus ride home sounded so good to me right now given how tired I was. After finishing my breakfast I made my way home.
Only two hours remained until the bus arrived at the gas station to take me back to school. I suspected my parents were asleep as I slowly trudged up the stairs. A shower was necessary at this point to wash away the remains of last night and the smell of tiredness which clung to me. I gathered up my things and did just that. After I had finished my shower I could hear that someone was awake and in the kitchen. Now that I was more presentable I went back downstairs to inspect who might be awake. My mother was in the kitchen preparing the stove for breakfast.
"Good morning Lucas," my mother removed a pan from one of the drawers.
"Good morning. I've already eaten breakfast. I wanted a bagel from town so I got up early," I lied slightly.
"When did you get back from your walk?" she asked.
"Late," I sat down at the counter.
Nothing else was shared between us except that father went in early to the store. I gathered up my belongings with fifteen minutes to walk down to the bus stop. I hugged my mother goodbye and was on my way back to school. Sleep came immediately to me on the bus. The gray light from the New England sky served as a very soothing addition to the dreary atmosphere.
I woke up three hours later to my stop for school being called. Reluctantly, I disembarked from the bus back onto campus. The walk back to my apartment was brief under circumstances where I had slept the night prior; today it felt like hours. When I got back I headed straight to my room, sent Cole a text that I would see him tonight, and fell right asleep face-down on my bed.