DISCLAIMER: This story is based in truth. Some events/persons have been altered for the purpose of the story. There may be scenes of unsafe practices which are not endorsed by this author. All other usual warnings and precautions should be considered here. Feel free to write with any comments, corrections, etc. Think of this as a Gedankenexperiment. And remember to donate to Nifty to support all of these great stories.
This was the beginning of a new arc in my storyline. I was taking control of everything in my life. Any aspect I could think of was compartmentalized and automated. The more my mind seized under its mantle of dominance, the more neurotic and chaotic I became. This will be an excursion into my thoughts at that time. Sick, twisted, deranged, sociopathic, murderous, evil, horrid; all words I labeled myself with, and for good reason. But despite all of this I was still myself, just a part of me I had never been before.
Never again. Never again. Re-roll. Re-roll. If my life were a roleplaying game I would re-roll my character right now. I started out with my race set to white young-adult male, my class was nerd, and my specialization was existential sociopath. But I had so many character flaws. I just wanted to change to something of a dominator; the ability to walk into any room and have my presence felt by everyone, to be known and accepted. A pariah. That's what I was, a pariah.
If my life were a collected edition then this would be where one book ended and the next began. I would title this new book "Never Again". Never again did I want to have sex with one of my friends or break someone's heart. I didn't ever again want to experience being the cause of drama or harm. All I wanted was to lie down on my floor and listen to The Smashing Pumpkins or Washed Out. Everything just needed to leave me alone for a while.
I didn't talk to Kyle until that Sunday. The day before was spent brooding and thinking and wrapping myself in blankets. My skin was warm, but my mind was cold. I would say my soul was cold, but I didn't have a soul. I still don't. Obviously I was never going to be speaking to Noah on friendly terms again, and I only hoped Kyle and I could still be friends. Eventually we would have to talk.
"Hey buddy how're you doing?" Kyle asked one morning while eating scrambled eggs. He was wearing grey sweatpants and a black tank top. His hair was messy but in a nice way. It made me almost miss Cole. For a brief moment I felt myself getting upset, but I repressed it. No longer was I allowed to feel. My feelings hurt people.
"I'm doing fine, adequate for my existence," I replied as I grabbed my box of cereal off the counter.
Was I being dramatic, self-centered, stupid? Possibly. However I didn't truly call attention to myself in a desperate way. That was something I had never done no matter what the circumstances were. If I was uncomfortable or tired or too drunk, no one else would ever find out. Keep everything inside and dissipate it.
I could feel my own feelings. It sounds weird but that's how I got rid of them so easily. The creeping dullness of sadness, the pink elation of happiness in my chest, anger's building rage in the front of my head; all of it could be identified and contained. I would just imagine the feeling washing out of my body and then it was gone.
"That's good to hear, I thought I'd never talk to you again."
"You know we're just friends right?"
"Yeah I know, everything's behind us. Even you friend Noah."
"Oh that. I guess that development was my error. It shouldn't have happened. But we're just friends. Our friendship is strong, but it's nothing above that. You and me that is."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it Lucas just eat your cereal."
"Fine, I will find comfort amongst my grains."
"If there's something bothering y--"
"I said I'm fine. It was just something that happened. I hope soon you can find someone who really loves you."
"You miss Cole."
"I'm fine. Maybe I should just kill myself."
"Stop saying that, it's not funny or philosophical or whatever you think it is."
"Every time I say it, I think what if I actually did. You can't know what would happen when you die unless you actually die. What would I leave behind? Who would I hurt? Who would care?"
"Me for all three of those. Now quit it."
I don't understand how Kyle tolerated me. Lex would definitely have ridiculed me and then punched my arm. Maybe it was because Kyle really cared about me. I had to find him some form of companion before he became too attached. My mental list of tasks opened and I added `Seek suitable human for Kyle' to it before closing it again in my mind. Most of the time I operated my brain like I would a computer.
For some reason I felt a strange connection with machines. I bet most kids of my generation felt something similar. Just by looking at a machine and using it for the first time I could really understand it. But that couldn't have just been good design. Every computer language and program I set out to learn were picked up very quickly. It was like I spoke their language. A language I understood better than the one used to communicate with people.
That evening I sat on top of a Sam Adams seasonal 12 pack and stared at the wall. The box remained unopened since I had bought it that Thursday prior. Luckily it served as a steady pedestal to sit on. My eyes were open but they weren't seeing. Everything was going on in my head. Most of my life was confined to what my mind chose to process instead of what I was actually observing. A classroom full of students could really be a cemetery. I had no problem picturing what a student would look like as a corpse slumped over a chair. None of it was right but I couldn't help thinking it.
Sometimes I would become trapped in a string of my own thoughts. What if I had to kill the person in front of me, how would I do it? How would today feel if it was raining? Shutting everything else down drove my imagination to new extremes.
I thought of myself as a reality warper. Maybe it was because of all the comics I read. The Marvel character Wiccan really stuck with me. Even though I mainly read DC comics, there was one Marvel book I followed closely. Throughout my whole college experience I would say my fascination with comics was one of the few constants. A reality warper is one who is able to reshape matter or energy and make their thoughts realities. Clearly I didn't have superpowers fueled by arcane witches of old, but my mental state was deluded and corrupted at this point. It felt like my thoughts were racing through the decayed subway tunnels of Manhattan like subway cars headed for their doom.
Monday was another day to torment myself. I dressed in a warm sweater and jeans. Ten minutes of my morning were spent staring into the mirror while I shaved. To me my reflection seemed evil, a portrayal of the horror lurking just beneath my skin. I was just a vessel of destruction, with stubble.
It was cold outside so I put on a hat before heading to class. Luckily my classes on Mondays weren't difficult. An introductory psychology class and an advanced geometry class. Well they were relatively easy. I slumped down into my seat in geometry and took off my hat and coat. I let my hat fall onto the desk and set my notebook on top of it.
"Feeling alright Lucas?" Nathan sat next to me in class. I only knew his name because the professor seemed to know him. Socializing in class was something I rarely did. But we were ten minutes early so I decided I could at least see if he was a `suitable human for Kyle'. The task came up next to Nathan and small notes started appearing. All of this was in my head of course.
I made notes of several things in the moments before I replied to him. He was definitely cute from an objective standpoint. All of my observations were objective. His hair was a nice ashen chestnut color and slightly floppy in the front. Other facial features were pretty standard if not slightly rounded. I did make a personal note that I approved of his sense of dress. Plus he was intelligent enough to be in this class and recognized by the instructor. I classified Nathan as `suitable, perhaps beyond adequate'. Now I just had to get him over to meet Kyle.
"Yeah I'm good Nathan. Just sick of this cold is all," I learned that by blaming the weather it made all other problems seem innocuous to the listener.
"After all, it's winter. You get used to it, yeah?" he turned to better engage me in conversation.
"Yeah. Hey I wanted to know if you'd be able to help me with something for this after class. You seem to know what you're doing in here. Advanced geometry and all," I could be so good at pretending. Now I just hoped, willed, that he would say yes and come over to my place. He did.
There was one thing I overlooked when evaluating Nathan, or Nate as he liked to be called. I had to establish if he was gay or at least bi. I had never outright asked anyone if they were gay, and didn't plan on doing so in this instance. There had to be a more tactful way to find out. But I also figured that his willingness to come over might count for something. So I devised a plan and hoped that Kyle would be present in the apartment. What's the point of setting two people up when one is missing?
Luckily enough, Kyle was there watching TV when we walked in. He was wearing navy sweatpants and had a blanket draped over his bare upper body. I wondered how many pairs of sweatpants he owned. For a while I was against owning sweatpants, but I was fine with having sweatshirts. There was a difference.
"Oh hey, didn't know you were bringing someone over," Kyle sort of waved but didn't seem concerned about missing a shirt.
"Yeah Lucas and I are in advanced geo together. I'm Nate."
"Kyle."
"Kyle, do you care if we work in the kitchen?" I asked.
"Go ahead, I'm just watching some basketball."
"Nate, let me just put my stuff down and grab my text book. You can maybe watch basketball, if that's what you like, yeah? Just leave your shoes and coat wherever," I hated the fact that I tended to pick up conversational quirks of other people.
At this point I could only hope Kyle and Nate were at least talking about something while I went and dropped my things off. Of course I didn't think they'd be making out or anything, but everyone has to start somewhere. Plus I thought if I could get Nate to hint at being gay, if he was, in front of Kyle then things might be different. As I put my bag down in my room I wondered to myself, where's Lex been?
Kyle and Nate were chatting. Apparently the both followed the same basketball team. I didn't follow the sport very much. As much as I didn't want to pull the two apart there was a ruse I still had to complete. Even if there was a point where I completed my goal it was necessary to maintain my illusion. A good magician never leaves a trick half finished. Now I had to control the conversation if I wanted to reach the desired response.
We opened the textbook to page 631 for chapter 11 review. I started asking him about calculating the volume of a concentric three dimensional object. For ten minutes we were deep within the realm of math. Numbers raced across the page below a drawing of a prism within a sphere. Once we neared the answer I tried to start prying.
"So Nathan are you a junior like Kyle and I?"
"No actually I'm a sophomore. A lot of advanced classes in high school, maybe I can graduate a year early. Who knows?"
"Oh wow. You're a smart kid then. I mean this stuff isn't easy," I pointed to the work we had just finished.
"Well it's all about how you approach the problem."
"I guess. So have you thought about studying abroad if you've got all this free time?"
"No. Have you gone?"
"No but I'dve liked to. My boyfriend is in London now for History classes."
I hadn't thought of Cole as my boyfriend for a while. Saying it made it really difficult to control how upset it made me. I really missed him. But I wasn't allowed to, not now. Contain and disperse. I'm fine, everything is just fine. This isn't about me anyway, it's about Nathan and Kyle.
"Oh, sorry I didn't--"
"Yeah, I'm gay. Sorry I didn't think that it might be kind of a shock."
I hadn't told a stranger I was gay before. Well I guess Noah was a stranger but things went differently. There was no personal romantic goal for me with Nathan. This was a situation of just mentioning I was gay to a friend, well more of an acquaintance.
"No no, that's fine. I guess it's just that, I thought, y'know."
"Sorry Nathan, I'm not sure what you mean."
"Well, I thought we could get to know each other better, me coming over and all. But we can still be friends. You're interesting Lucas, to say the least," he gave a smile.
"Oh sure, friends, I'd like that. So, you like basketball?"
"Yeah I do."
"Well let's watch some, I'm kind of done with math for now," I got up from the table and Nathan followed.
His attraction to me was only a minor setback. I knew that eventually he and Kyle would connect more. Of course I couldn't make Kyle admit he was bi, but maybe he would do that on his own. However my mission was accomplished for now.
With Tuesday came the return of Lex. I returned from class and walked in on him watching TV with Kyle and Alyssa. The apartment was colder than usual, and I quickly noticed it was due to an open window in the living room. It didn't bother me enough to go and close it. What good was I anyway for anyone else to care if I was cold? I slumped my bag off my shoulders and sat down to remove me boots.
"I leave you with this kid for three days and you go and convert him," Lex said jokingly, and loudly.
"Oh step off it Lex," Alyssa pushed his shoulder.
"Dude quit it. Lucas didn't have anything to do with it. I already told you," Kyle asserted.
"Yeah well he had something to do with something else," Lex gave a laugh.
"Events transpired, we move on. Everything's fine now. I'm fine," my boots were removed and placed by the door. For a moment I contemplated just going into my room and staring at the mirror. I didn't want any of this; talking about what happened between me and Kyle. But I stayed because I hadn't seen Lex in a few days.
"Yeah well, long as none of that shit goes down when I'm around, it's all good," Lex attempted to reassure us.
"Afraid you might be next?" Alyssa teased before kissing his cheek and getting up to go to the kitchen.
"So you and Alyssa are getting along?" I asked. I couldn't handle being around for much longer.
"Yeah we're like old friends, you could say. But how're you doing? Kyle says you miss Cole," Lex ended the statement with a tone of concern.
"I'm fine. Everything's fine," I got up and headed to my room.
"No you aren't," Kyle managed to say before I closed my door.
I'm fine. Everything's fine. Nothing is wrong. I don't miss Cole. I don't.
I stared at my reflection in the full length mirror which was leaned up against my wall. That wasn't me, the person looking back, he's not me. Looking back at me was something cold and dark. Something evil. I could just hear the Joker laugh in my head as I stared at him. Those words scrawled across comic book pages.
HA. HA. HA.
My focus grew more intense. For the first time in days, maybe even weeks, I felt like I was breaking a fog. At times I didn't act like a person and I mostly disliked other people. But I had never felt like this before. This wasn't me. Deep down I knew I would always want to do something with my life to make the world a better place, for everyone. Psychotic dominance was not the answer. Fantastical illusions of control were not the answer. I was a good person. I am a good person.
For a flash of a second it felt like Cole was there behind me. I felt like I caught a glimpse of him in the mirror. That was all it took to break me.
"Oh I'm so fucked up. Everything is just fucked up. Nothing is fine or sufficient or fucking good. It all sucks. Shit. Damn shit," I said without moving from my spot. Of course the mirror wasn't going to reply to me, and Cole wasn't really there.
I wanted to cry but for some reason I just didn't. Maybe I couldn't cry. Or maybe I just broke my entire psyche and could no longer truly feel sadness. But I felt loneliness. I missed Cole. He was the best thing that had ever happened to me since Green Lantern #1. My confidant, lover, best friend, and psych case. There was just no way I could go on functioning this long without him. But somehow I had to find another way. This was just another part of my life I had to wrest under my control.
I spiraled back down into that dark place. My revelation was for naught. It possibly made things worse because now I had admitted my failures and had to live with them. I was insane. The feelings of burning and apprehension constantly plagued my mind. There had to have been something sadistic possessing me. It felt like I had switched places with my reflection and the true me was trapped on the other side.
Before leaving my room to scrounge for dinner, I sent an email to Cole. I didn't know if he would ever read it, but I sent it anyway.
Cole,
I need you.
Lucas
Five days passed and I didn't receive a reply. My life was ruined. It was pointless of me to keep going on like I was. He felt like my boyfriend, I even said he was, but was he really? Could Cole really be my boyfriend if he was hanging out with this Lenny kid and not replying to the message I sent? No, I don't think he could. Not for right now anyway.
That hurt. I actually almost said ouch when I had come to that realization. Cole was not my current boyfriend. The library didn't seem like the most appropriate place to make such as scene. I had to fight back my sadness.
"Hey, you alright?" I hadn't realized that there was now a girl sitting in the seat across from me. The table was pretty big so it wasn't uncommon for strangers to share a study space.
"Yeah, I'll be ok. Math, y'know?" A single tear had managed to escape my eye. Curses.
"Oh yeah. It's pretty tough I hear. I'm Tracy by the way," she introduced herself with a slight smile. I hadn't felt kindness in a while. Kyle was kind to me but more in a sort of standoffish protective sort of way. Tracy was genuinely caring. It was rare to find someone who concerned themselves with the problems of total strangers.
"Well I'm majoring in it so I guess I'm stuck with it. But I really do like it," I wiped away the tear as I felt it start to roll down my cheek.
"Psychology. You picked the wrong table to have a crisis I guess," she seemed amused. But what did she know about psychology if she didn't even have a degree yet. That thought did less than I anticipated it would to comfort me.
"Well I guess I could always just leave," I was about to leave, but then something stopped me. Why was it that the library was the place where I met guys I fell for? I fell for Charles Westfield. He was more commonly called by Chuck or Charlie.
"Bothering kids again?" Charlie came over to sit down next to Tracy.
"He seemed upset was all. Just trying to cheer him up a little," Tracy defended herself.
"You'll have to excuse my sister. She can be a bit much at times. I'm Charlie by the way. Or Chuck if you like," he smiled and extended his hand after sitting in the seat next to Tracy.
"I like either. I'm Lucas," I shook his hand. The two of them were twins. I didn't really know many sets of twins. But both of them were stunning in their own respect.
They each had red hair and a few freckles on their faces. Tracy's hair was nearly an auburn-red whereas Chuck had red hair which was nearly a silver or blonde. Both of them had striking green eyes and a beautiful skin tone. I was especially fond of Charlie's lips and how full they were. How could I be falling for someone so quickly?
"That's a cool name. What did Tracy do to make you cry Lucas?" Charlie nudged his sister with his shoulder.
"Knock it Chuck. I told you I didn't do anything," Tracy protested.
"It's nothing. I was just finishing up here anyway," I got up and started gathering my things.
Charlie grabbed my hand and held it gently, "It was nice meeting you Lucas. See you around maybe?"
"Maybe," and I left. I could hear them going back and forth as I walked away from the table.
There was no way of knowing if I was ready for someone else. I also wondered how I was attracting all of the guys lately. Before I met Cole there was no one who showed any interest in me. Now it seemed like I managed to find every guy on campus who had a gay thought at least once in his life. But I did know that I couldn't stop thinking about Charlie, or Chuck, or whatever he wanted to be called. At first I didn't think I was all that attracted to him. But then I couldn't stop thinking about that unique hair color and the way he touched my hand. His jovial demeanor and gorgeous lips. I was definitely infatuated.
The next day after class I went back to the library. It was really stupid of me, but I went and sat back in that same seat and just stared ahead. I thought about the Westfield twins from the day before. My hat was making my head itchy so I took it off. As I sat there with both heads clamped in my hair, I thought about what a mess I had become. How had I let all of this happen? I needed to find a balance between control and freedom in my life. All of it felt so hard to do on my own though.
Chuck Westfield wasn't in the library that day. I had sat waiting for two hours and garnered a fair number of questionable glances from other people in the library. When I got home I was surprised to see Nathan was hanging out with Kyle and Lex. They were playing checkers. All of it was too weird for me to handle at the moment and I just went into my room after saying hello.
I surfed the internet for around an hour. Sitting and staring at the computer allowed me to think of a few things. Even though I sat for two hours in the library feeling like a fool, it also made me feel a little better. Finally I had something to achieve that I actually wanted to achieve. This wasn't about driving myself insane or manipulating someone else. I was doing something for myself.
Then there was a knock on my door. I had never had anyone knock on my door before. Usually Kyle or Lex just shouted for me. I was a little confused and ignored it at first. But then the knock came again so I decided that someone must actually be trying to get my attention. When I opened the door I was thoroughly shocked. Chuck Westfield was in my apartment.
"Oh good, hey. I was hoping you did actually live here," he sounded enthusiastic and tried to play off the fact that this was sort of a weird encounter.
"Yeah, I live here. Pardon my language but I believe the expression, what the fuck, is appropriate here," I really was surprised at his appearance.
"You're right, and there's a funny story here too. Today, you sat in the library in the same chair for two hours. Well, I was sitting in the library for two hours today too, only I was two tables behind you. Then, well, I followed you back here. Now we're here, I guess."
"You stalked me?"
"When you use that word it sounds creepy--"
"It is creepy. You watched me make an idiot of myself in the library and then followed me back to my apartment just to tell me you've been watching."
"No, I followed you because I was hoping, well maybe, you might want to, hangout?"
"Are you feeling alright Chuck?"
"Oh I don't know. This is kind of hard for me Lucas. I'm gay, and I know you are. I had a boyfriend for a while and then we broke up at the start of last semester. You're the first guy I've ever wanted to talk to since. I don't know why."
"Wait, how do you know I'm gay?"
"Noah said so."
"Shit."
"Yeah, he doesn't really like you much. But he'd talked about you a bit and how you were a jerk or whatever. Then when you said your name yesterday I figured you were the same jerk. But you don't seem like a bitchy little dick whore to me," Chuck smiled.
"He said that about me?"
"Yeah but he's a sick puppy. No one really takes him all that seriously on the team."
"Oh Jesus you're on that team too. Somewhere, someone hates me, and they're laughing right now," that elicited a laugh from Charlie.
"Well I hang around with them. I'm not actually on the team. Don't worry so much Lucas. How about we go get dinner and you tell me all about the real Noah," how could I resist that smile?
"Fine, let me get my coat."
At that moment I knew this was what I needed. Someone who didn't have a ton of emotional plagues and past experiences haunting him. Chuck wasn't one to talk bad about other people or care about the supposed reputation someone else had. He didn't give a shit, and I liked that.