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I started becoming slightly tenser as the next two months whisked past. Work increased in intensity and volume with finals just around the corner. The added stress was becoming more apparent to those around me. But the one thing that really had my nerves wracked was the fact that Cole would be visiting for a few days at the end of finals week.
It hit me one afternoon while I was studying that soon I might have to break things off with Charlie. There was always the option of staying with him. Nothing was stopping me from telling Cole that I had moved on. Then again, I still wasn't sure if I had moved on. It was true that I had sex with my fair share of guys that semester and Chuck was great, but did I still love Cole?
That question lingered in my mind for weeks, and the more I thought about it, the less sure I became. Being with Charlie also made me less sure of my feelings for Cole. I couldn't really think of anything definitive which would lead me one way or the other. Sure, I probably wasn't the best influence for Charlie and I had gone behind his back. Since then though, nothing had ever crossed my mind except for how appreciative I was to have him as my boyfriend.
Some part of me was still rooting for Cole. A piece of my essence belonged to him. He was there for me in a difficult time of my life. There was so much we had in common; Cole just understood me on a level no one else had before. Our relationship served as my gateway into a world I never thought I would explore, but was glad I had. We hadn't been together for five months, yet I still remembered him as if he had only left for a day.
Another part of me wondered if I should just move on. In fact it was a large part of me. Sure he was the first person I loved, but it seemed like not everyone ended up with the first person they fell for. I had learned so much in the time he had been gone, and now I was involved with someone who genuinely cared for me. What if Cole had changed?
My biggest fear was that I would no longer love Cole because he was no longer the person I remembered. People can change when they live apart; especially abroad. At the same time I thought it was selfish to want Cole to return exactly as how he had left. There was only one way for sure I could make my decision, and that was to wait until Cole got back.
My last few weeks at school boiled down to three pivotal days.
Day 1
I had resolved to tell Charlie about my current situation. It was only fair that he knew, even if it meant we would no longer be together. In the back of my mind I was aware of how difficult this would be, but I refused to acknowledge it. Of course, I had no idea what I was going to say.
The weather had warmed up considerably since March. Everyone was out enjoying the sunshine despite the pressure to study for finals. A few hours outside couldn't hamper anyone's chances that considerably. Personally, I never really understood the desire to sit out and do nothing or lay on a roof. That didn't mean that I wasn't in favor of the occasional study break. Most of my finals were situated in the middle of the scheduled times and I had already planned out all of my study sessions accordingly. I liked to work most seriously during the afternoon.
Charlie came over at around three. I was working on a few practice problems for one of my math finals. All but one of my finals, psychology, were in math classes. My speakers were pulsing with the Sleigh Bells album "Treats", granted it wasn't the best album to maintain my concentration, but it worked. The door to my room was open and I didn't hear Charlie walk up behind me with Derek Edward Miller's smashing guitars in "Tell `Em". He kissed my neck and I jolted back. It was like making a sandwich in zero gravity and then suddenly everything kicks back on and all of the layers smash together. There was no way for me to have anticipated him being there; he hadn't even texted me to let me know he was coming.
"Fucking hell, Chuck," I got up and hugged him, it seemed like the right thing to do.
"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he held me.
"It's fine. I just, wasn't expecting you. I was studying," I stepped back and paused the music on my laptop.
"Well maybe you want to spend some time outside, it's so nice out," the warm weather was a source of excitement for Charlie.
"I guess I could take a break," he smiled and my fate was sealed.
Not to sound shallow, but one of the perks of the nice weather was the way Charlie dressed. I imagine he would have preferred to go shirtless most days, but usually he wore a tank or t-shirt with a pair of chino shorts that seemed only a little tight. He had also taken my advice from a few months prior and started letting his facial hair grow in. There was never a point where he reached full beard status, typically it was most stubble, around a two or three on a standard trimmer. Admittedly I found him really hot, slightly sweaty from the walk over in the sun but smiling all the same.
After closing my laptop lid and securing my study notes in a neat pile, we headed outside into the radiance of the almost-summer sun. I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans which in retrospect was a poor choice given the weather. A conservative estimate would put the temperature somewhere around seventy-eight degrees. But it wasn't the temperature that had me preoccupied. I knew that now would be as good a time as any. We sat down in the grass a few feet in front of my building and stared out at the parking lot. He put his arm around my waist.
"Hey," I started.
"Hey," Charlie replied and squeezed me closer.
"Thanks," I kissed his neck, "There's something I need to tell you."
"Sure, anything."
"Well it's kind of complicated, I only ask that you withhold any outright anger to the end."
"Ok, one of, those sorts of things I guess."
"Don't deck me."
"I won't, just go ahead."
"Alright so last semester I had a boyfriend. You probably don't know him, Cole, he's studying abroad this semester in London. But, you don't care about that part. Well, the thing is, he's coming back here in a few days. I guess, the thing is, I can't be entirely sure if I'm over him. Maybe if I saw him again once more, I'd know. It's really hard, because I love you too. A lot," I couldn't help myself from tearing up.
"At least you said something Lucas. Yeah, that news kinda sucks, but things happen I guess," I could tell he was upset too. The sun beat down with all its warmth, but my heart still felt cold.
"I don't want to do this to you Charlie. But, would it be fair if I still loved him? Would it be worse?"
"Worse. My last break-up was bad, he fell out of love with me. I know how this feels. I hate how this feels."
"Chuck, please don't say that, don't--" I really started crying. I hated how my shirt fit and how the tag itched at my neck.
"Lucas, don't cry. I didn't say that's how I feel now. I know you love me, and I love you. Deep down I think you know that you don't love him anymore, and you need to accept that. For both of us, just accept that."
We sat without saying anything for a while. I cried for a few more minutes and tried to comprehend what was happening. Chuck didn't hate me, at least not yet. But, there was still that chance that some shred of love within me still burned for Cole. If that was true, then I couldn't be with Charlie. But wouldn't that mean I couldn't be with Cole either?
Chuck got up, messed with my hair a little, and then left. The silence surrounded me. It was foolhardy of him to invest so much faith in me. I wiped some tears and sweat off of my face with the back of my wrist. There wasn't much time between this moment and the inevitable moment when I would see Cole again. Time has no mercy and doesn't pity the weak. I steeled my nerves, got up, and headed back inside to study more math problems.
Day 2
A few days' time and two finals passed by before the day arrived when Cole returned to school. That morning I awoke with a jolt and couldn't shake the feeling that my heart would beat right out of my chest. All of my attempts to calm down or study were futile. Sure, it was dramatic and slightly blown out of proportion, but I had never been in this sort of scenario before. When had I ever sat down and contemplated what it might feel like to have to choose between two people? I hadn't even thought I was gay, let alone that I might love two guys at once.
There was no amount of preparation which could have instilled any confidence or idea of what was to come in me. Letting someone go isn't so much about the words exchanged, it's about the emotions. Those subtle changes in facial expressions, that one uttered phrase that haunts you on your way to work three years later. These are the moments that clench your soul, right alongside the moments of that same person which make you smile. Relationships can't be undone and that wouldn't be the same if it was only the good parts.
He came over that afternoon. It was raining outside. The contrast between my day with Cole and the one with Chuck were so perfect it was almost as if someone planned them. A downpour wasn't in the forecast that day and so he was markedly damp and a few wet strands of hair clung to his forehead.
For the most part Cole appeared just the same as when he had left. His hair was a bit longer, most likely for lack of getting a haircut in London. Not much else had really changed about him physically. I remember starting up a discussion with him about his whole experience and how I kept thinking how he just wasn't the same. There was something that didn't feel right. My mind flashed back to those moments we had shared; the ones that were perfect, the delicate ones, the breakdowns and the make-ups. Everything I wanted to still be there resting within the person sitting right across from me, all of it, was lost.
I remember putting my hand on his shoulder and stopping him abruptly. We looked right into each other's eyes. He smiled lightly. A drop of water hung to the edge of his glasses. Then his smile faded.
"This isn't going to work, is it?" he asked. I had to stay strong. All the events of the last semester rushed through me. That river of experiences crashed down through the channels of time up to this point.
"Cole, I did what you told me to do at the end of last semester," this wasn't my fault, we'd just moved on.
"That's good. I guess you met someone then?" I nodded. We sat still for a few moments, my hand fell off his shoulder and returned to rest on my thigh. I watched him as he broke in front of me.
He sniffled and wiped a few fingers under one of his lenses. I knew that this might be more difficult than it seemed to be for me. Cole didn't have anyone here, at least I had Charlie. Someone I could depend on, someone who believed in me and would deck another person for looking at me funny. I don't think Cole could have been that guy for me, and I needed him to be.
"Are you, OK?" it was a stupid question for me to ask. Of course he wasn't fine or good or anything remotely close to that.
"There's just one thing I need to confess, before I leave you to the rest of your life," he took a deep breath and regained some of his composure. "That time when you came over to my apartment, you know, that time. There was something that happened before-hand. I cheated on you. I slept with Steve."
"You--" I couldn't even finish the thought. My voice was caught in my throat and I started sobbing. It hurt so much that he would never know just how similar we really were.
"I'm sorry, it was stupid and thoughtless. But now, what does it even matter," he got up from the couch.
"Can't we still be friends?" I asked.
"It hurts too much," and then he left.
Day 3
My finals were a thing of the past. An immediately distant memory. I still didn't know what my grades would end up being for all of my classes, but I was confident that I did well. The real secret to crushing an exam is to go into that exam knowing you will crush it. Sit down in front of that paper and just own it like Carnegie during the steel boom. It felt great to put all of that school work out of my mind.
Charlie was also done with his tests. He had finished the day prior but wasn't going to be moving to go back home until tomorrow, same day as me. I welcomed the gleam of the sun as I walked back to my apartment. Sure, I was still upset over what happened with Cole and there were sporadic episodes where I felt a sharp pain in my heart. But that was to be expected. As much as I wanted to sob over a part of my life that was now lost to me, I couldn't. Instead, I recalled the best memory I shared with Cole and resolved to remember that every time I missed him. He would have liked it to be that way. On my way back I stopped by Charlie's dorm to gather him for some time together. He still didn't know what happened between Cole and me.
I waited outside of his building for someone to scan their ID and open the lock. Students who lived off-campus couldn't access any of the dorms. Eventually I made my way in and up to Chuck's room. I knocked and waited. I knocked again and finally heard some movement before the door opened. Charlie was just in his boxers and it was dark inside.
"Have you just been sleeping all day?" I asked before stepping inside. He gave me a kiss and definitely smelled like he had just woken up. That warm and innocent scent of dreaming.
"Yeah, I guess I'd never done it in a long time. Done with tests?" Charlie asked.
"Yup. Just finished. Where's your roommate?" I closed the door and the room darkened significantly. Charlie stumbled over to the window and opened the curtains to light the room once again.
"He went home yesterday. Goodbye forever I guess," he replied.
"You're not living with him again next year?" I was surprised.
"Actually--" he started but I cut him off.
"I think this would be a good time to discuss what our `plans' might be. You know, one of those obligatory serious talks," I sat down on his bed. He sat down next to me. "Item one, you're still my boyfriend and I love you."
"That's good. I knew you'd come to realize you've moved on," he kissed me again.
"It was sad, but I really have moved on. I guess item two is summer things. I got an apartment in the city for June through August, and the rent isn't so bad. Plus I'm getting paid. Feel free to visit whenever you like for however long you can sustain," I told him.
"Slick, I'll definitely come to visit. We can do all sorts of stuff, that's great news. Is there an item three?" he asked and I nodded.
"Item three. Next year I am going to be living in a house with Kyle and Lex. However, the house is really made to be occupied by four people. Oddly enough we are still looking for someone to occupy that fourth room. Would you want to live with us?" I couldn't help but smile when I saw the expression on his face. Most of the time he was like a vision of masculinity, but there were moments when Charlie was nothing more than a gleeful preschooler.
"Of course, yes I will move in with you," we kissed for a third time, this one was longer than the other three. He pulled away and we just sat smiling at each other.
"Time for you to get dressed," I hopped up from his bed.
As I watched him get dressed and ready to set out on our last day of the year I couldn't help but reflect on what a whirlwind everything had been. My junior year was an incredible experience. I must have crushed my own spirit three times and had even more mental meltdowns. But I also reached my highest states of euphoria and serenity. I learned how to be carefree, how to be human, and what it felt like to love someone. I made new friends, and I probably made some enemies. Most importantly though was that I finally started living my life.
"You ready?" Charlie asked as he slid into his jeans.
"Yeah. I'm for sure ready," I stopped him before he could button his pants.
Dump your thoughts at lbrimstone00@gmail.com. This isn't over yet, don't worry.