DISCLAIMER: This story is based in truth. Some events/persons have been altered for the purpose of the story. There may be scenes of unsafe practices which are not endorsed by this author. All other usual warnings and precautions should be considered here. Feel free to write with any comments, corrections, etc. Think of this as a Gedankenexperiment. And remember to donate to Nifty to support all of these great stories.
In life it almost seems that everything can be broken down to two binary options. You can do one thing or you can do the other. Either you like someone or you don't. Admittedly there are some scenarios which are slightly more complicated. However, in day-to-day life, it seems as though most things are binary. Love and hate. Happiness and sadness. Strength and weakness. Acceptance and rejection.
Cole and I removed the sheet coated in his cum from the bed. We were both still naked as we stood in the dark room.
"I need you to shower with me. Three orgasms is a lot to handle. You might have to support me," Cole opened the door and let in the light of the nearby hall lamp.
"Sure," I followed him out into the dimly lit apartment.
"Don't try to pull any shit either," Cole turned and grinned at me.
The shower was relatively mild. Scrubbing his body down was rather arousing, but I knew even saying the word sex would cause Cole to collapse. I had never experienced that many orgasms in such a short span, so I wouldn't know how draining it might have been. Despite all of that I still admired his body as the water flowed over it. His chest and arms were well developed and presented a near ideal musculature. There wasn't a starkly contrasting taper leading down to his waist, but he did have a developing Adonis belt. The slight outward curve of his lower abdomen only served to make him human. I quickly cleaned myself off after Cole was clean and went to towel himself.
When we had both dried ourselves off we returned to Cole's room for our clothes. Dressing myself required very little effort, but I noticed Cole was moving a little slower than his usual speed.
"What are you in the mood to eat?" I asked as I tied my shoelaces.
"Let's go somewhere I can get a hamburger," Cole slipped on his shoes.
"Ray Harvey's?" it was the local burger place.
"Yeah," Cole stood up and we departed.
Luckily it was only about a six minute walk from Cole's house to the burger place. Ray Harvey's was a bizarre establishment to say the least. There was an excess of neon on the walls and the choice of music made everything seem surreal. I think the owner was disturbed.
I went ahead of Cole on line in order to make a fair attempt at buying his food. I placed my order and asked Cole what he wanted. He was trapped, but I could tell he was going to take the opportunity to exploit me a little. He ordered two hamburgers, a side of fries, and a milkshake. I had only order a hamburger and onion rings. He grinned at me after placing his order.
We sat at an empty table and I couldn't help but take in the stupidity of the scene before us. Cole was in a weakened state of post-sex serenity and I couldn't have felt more confident. Some 80's synthpop group played hauntingly over the speakers. Another couple occupied a table at the other end of the narrow establishment. It was 10:08 at night and we were ordering hamburgers. The neon signs cluttered the otherwise barren brick walls. I couldn't help but recall my incident in the rain, and again laughter was my response. Cole was clearly confused by my sudden outburst.
"What? What's so funny?" Cole asked.
"This. All of this. It's fucking 10 at night and we're out ordering hamburgers in this cokehead's fucked up nostalgia mirage," I continued laughing.
"Yeah this place isn't perfect. I hope you're not going crazy on me right now," with that our number was called.
Cole and I sat in silence once the food was presented to us. Admittedly it all tasted very good. It quickly became clear to me just how much Cole needed to eat after having spent him three times. Our dining experience was brief yet fulfilling. Once Cole was content and finished all of his food we headed back to the apartment.
"I'm full," Cole flopped onto his bed without even removing his shoes.
"Serves you right for trying to get even with me," I untied my laces and removed my jeans.
"I couldn't let you get away with it. Do you want to do something fun tomorrow? Like go bowling or something?" Cole asked from the bed.
"Normally I'm opposed to general fun, however for you I will make an exception. Bowling sounds like a fine idea," I lay next to him once I was down to my underwear.
"You're fucked up. Oh I'm Lucas and I'm going to crack up in the middle of a restaurant and then act like a machine when my boyfriend asks me out somewhere," Cole made a mocking robot motion with his arms.
"Yup. Let's get you undressed and off to bed, clearly tonight has been more than you can handle. I should've doubted myself when I thought I had a real stud on my hands. Now I know to be more careful with baby next time," I gently rubbed his stomach awaiting the flustered and witty response.
"Hey. I'm the hot shit in this relationship. Don't think I can't take anything you can throw at me. Just go play with your numbers in a field somewhere," Cole was a little more aggressive than I had anticipated.
"Do you really feel that way Coleton? I can leave," I sat up and for some reason felt upset. I didn't think Cole could hurt my feelings, but on some level he had.
"No Lucas, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, it's just I guess this was kind of a lot to take in. I'm just scared. One second I feel so attached to you and then the next I'm beating myself up for getting too close," Cole sat up next to me.
"Don't be scared, I'll protect you," I hugged him and he buried his head in the crook of my neck.
For me to make that statement was strange and powerful. It was odd for me to play the role of protector; to be someone's support. I had always kind of just kept to myself and relied on myself for everything. My previous thought of being Cole's mental protector really was true. I really think Cole needed me to say what I did. He needed some form of assurance to know that everything we had been doing wouldn't be ripped away from him. In Cole's eye I could still leave him at the drop of a hat, and in that instant it became clear to me that he struggled with some level of confidence.
The reason this took me so long to figure out was that he was so good at hiding it. Our first encounter gave no sign that he might have been taking a huge risk by giving me his phone number. But now that I think back to it, Fish probably had to convince him to do it but I couldn't hear anything being said. Then there was the coin flip to decide our first date. The naked apartment incident seems like the perfect example of absolute cockiness, in more ways than one, but who knows what was going through his mind leading up to my arrival. Cole also wasn't the most comfortable participating in my other slightly out there activities. On some level Cole had difficulty trusting others and trusting himself. He didn't really have other friends on campus outside of Fish and myself.
Now Cole was crying. He wasn't bawling, but he was sobbing and getting my neck wet. I remained hugging him and didn't say a word. The revelation should be his to make.
"I just don't know what to think of all of this," Cole said as his tears subsided.
"How hard was it for you to give me your phone number?" I asked quietly.
"Fish told me to do it. He said if I liked you that I should just do it. If guys can ask girls out so easily then why couldn't I do the same?"
"When you were waiting for me naked in your apartment, what were you thinking of before I got there?"
"That you would never show up."
"Why did you really transfer here?"
"I didn't like anyone else at my other school. But what are you getting at?"
"Just think about all of it. You know what's going on here."
"I-I, can't trust myself. I can't trust anyone," Cole started crying again and I waited a few minutes for it to subside once more.
"Cole you have to trust me, and you have to trust yourself. You are the greatest person I know. There's no one I know who has a more varied interest in things, who's as clever as you are, who looks as good as you do. We're both vulnerable here, but I would never betray you. Coleton I want you to believe in that, but if you don't want to then please just believe in yourself," I looked him right in the eye and wiped away some of his tears, he still looked cute.
"I know I should do all of that, but it's hard. No one else has ever believed in me, so why believe in myself? My parents never thought I would get into college or be good at basketball, and my teachers never thought I would get good grades. Fish was the only one of my friends that accepted me when I came out," Cole wasn't crying anymore.
"But you did all of those things. You proved them wrong didn't you? Can't you at least trust yourself that you're better than people might give you credit for?" I tried to get him to realize that he deserved better.
"I guess I did do all of those things. I've just never had anyone outside of Fish to trust me and believe in me."
"Cole you have me. If this is going to work you need to realize that I'm here for you, and if you can't do that then I don't know," it was hard to say.
"Lucas, don't leave me, I need to be with you. We're both a little fucked up aren't we," Cole smiled and wiped away his tears.
"You just went from a 3 to a 5 on the scale," I smiled back.
"And where does that leave you?"
"I've been told I'm a 10," Cole laughed at that.
I helped Cole undress and turn out the light. We lay awake in the dark silence for a few minutes and stared at each other. His eyes shone in the faint light. I knew this was love but I didn't want to say it. It might hurt him. He was so fragile. My liberator took a bullet during my escape and now I had to close the wound.
When Cole was finally asleep I remained awake. My mind was racing through the events of that night. Everything must have really disturbed Cole on some level because he was finally able to express and realize what his problem was. Now I wanted to think of a way to help him through everything. He really was perfect to me and I couldn't live with knowing he was struggling with such trust issues. I knew I couldn't cure him or change him, but I could help him. I had to show him what real trust looked like, but I couldn't agitate the problem further. I toyed with the idea of leaving one weekend to prove that neither of us would cheat on the other, but quickly decided that might be detrimental. I didn't want to plant doubts in his mind.
Then it hit me. Lex and Alyssa. They trusted each other and their relationship seemed normal enough to me. Maybe if we did some activity with them then Cole would start to understand how this would function. I didn't want him to start freaking out and scrutinize my every activity. At least now I had a plan of action. Now I could sleep.