I had convinced myself to tell Katie the truth about my relationship with Jerry but that didn't stop my heart from racing when she walked towards the car. Her face was contorted in a scowl and she was power walking towards me. She opened the car door and sat down in a huff.
"Hey honey, how was your day?"
Her eyes squinted and my little angel sprouted horns. "Let's just get this over with."
I tried to pretend my feelings weren't hurt by her contemptuous tone. "It'll be fun," I assured her with a strained smile stretched across my face.
"Whatever. I still don't understand why Danny doesn't have to come too. It's not fair."
"I wanted to spend some one on one time with you."
"Why do you want to torture me?" she mumbled.
I had enough of her mouth. "Have you always been this bratty?" I asked.
She shot me a look that threatened to sear a hole in to my head. "Nice Dad, nice." She rolled her eyes and let out a long sigh before looking out the window. I put the car in drive and we rode off in a temporary silence. I wondered how long she could refrain from expressing her unhappiness. Her silence lasted about two minutes and then she said, "You know you don't have to take me out to dinner just so you can tell me you're gay."
I pulled over and my foot hit the brake before I had a conscious thought. "Danny told you?"
"No, he didn't have to tell me. I'm not stupid Dad. Everyone knows. How could you embarrass me like this?"
"Embarrass you? How have I embarrassed you?"
"The whole school knows you're gay. Couldn't you at least stay in the closet or be discreet about it? Did you have to visit every gay place in the city? God what's wrong with you?"
I was completely surprised that people at her school knew about me. In my mind, my adult world never crossed with their world, but then I remembered that Danny heard about me before I told him and I wondered how much kids really knew about their parents. "There's nothing wrong with me," I told her.
"Okay Dad, you keep telling yourself that."
"You think there's something wrong with me?"
"You're a sick freak. How can you like another guy? It's not right."
"Who told you that?" I knew it wasn't Karen because Karen had been very supportive and encouraging of my relationship with Jerry.
"Nobody told me, I just know."
"Maybe you should wait until you're older to make a final decision on that issue."
"I don't need to wait. What you're doing is wrong. If you don't want to hear what I have to say then you can turn the car around and take me home."
"Taking you home would be a reward. We're going to go to dinner and talk about this." I put the car back in drive and continued in the direction of the restaurant. She sucked her teeth and sighed angrily. I was preoccupied trying to figure out how to talk to her about Jerry. I assumed she would be like Karen and Danny.
"Dad, snap out of it."
A horn blew and I looked up at the green light. I took off slowly down the familiar road. I became fixated on the awful truth that my own daughter was disgusted by me. After I parked at the restaurant, I turned to Katie. She unlocked her door and was about to get out. I grabbed her tiny arm and pulled her down in her seat.
She yanked her arm away. "Get your hands off of me!"
"I have to ask you something."
"What?"
"Do you hate me now?"
"I've always hated you." She pushed her door open again and I grabbed her arm.
"You loved me when you were a little girl."
"I also loved eating dirt but I grew up. I'm not a child anymore. I know I don't have to love you just because everyone says I should."
"So you don't love me?"
"How could I? I don't know you."
"I'm your father!"
"You're a sperm donor."
I was pleased that I thought through my actions because my initial reaction was to hit her in her mouth but I was able to control myself. I grabbed the steering wheel and squeezed it. I was her father and she had no right to talk to me like that. I knew I wasn't there for her and I knew I wasn't much of a father but I was more than a sperm donor and I was honestly trying to have an active role in both of my children's lives. "Let's get dinner."
Katie was out of the car before I reached to unhook my seatbelt. Dinner was depressing. Katie only spoke to me when I asked her what she wanted for dinner and what she wanted for dessert. As the adult, I should have at least attempted to forge a conversation with her; however, my heart was not in to any discussion because I wasn't sure if I could handle hearing anything else she had to say to me.
I drove directly home after dessert. I had promised Karen that I would come inside and talk to her for a few minutes, but I didn't have it in me. I didn't want to be in the same house as a child who hated everything about me. I needed to go home and have a good strong drink. My cell phone started ringing five minutes later.
"Hello."
"What happened?"
"Katie didn't tell you?"
"No, she came in and ran to her room. She won't let me in."
"She knows about me and Jerry."
"So you told her."
"I didn't have to, she found out from some kids at her school."
"How did she take it?"
"Karen she just ran in to her room and locked the door. How do you think she took it?"
"She's surprised right now. She'll calm down later and you guys can talk about it again."
"It's not only that. She hates me. She told me so herself."
"Daniel please. How many times has she said that before? She's a teenager. I probably hear it from her at least once a week."
"She's never said it the way she said it today. She meant it, Karen. She meant it."
"Well I'll go talk to her."
"Don't bother. Let her have her time."
"Okay. I'll give her today, but I'm talking to her about it tomorrow. You're her father and she has to love you."
"She doesn't have to love me. She's free to make her own decisions."
"Not as long as she lives under my roof."
"Karen calm down. Maybe we can address this issue from another perspective. She is growing in to a woman and we have to let her think for herself. Right now, she thinks it's wrong for me to be gay and she sees me as a sperm donor"
Karen interrupted me. "A sperm donor! Please tell me she did not say that to you! We raised her better than that."
"No, you raised her better than that."
"Daniel don't be that way. I couldn't have stayed home with the kids if you didn't work so hard."
The guilt from the years I spent as a phantom in my own home began to take over. "Well I think we both know why I drowned myself in work."
"Daniel I can't talk to you when you're like this. Call me later when you're in a better mood." I felt a sense of relief as she hung up the phone.
A few seconds later, my phone rang again. I stopped to look at who was calling. "Karen I thought you told me to call you later."
"It's me, Dad."
"Danny?" I saw the home phone number and assumed it was Karen calling me but it was my son instead.
"Yes it's Danny. Do you have another son you need to tell me about?" He half laughed and then he was quiet. "Look, I overheard part of your conversation with Mom. I should have warned you that Katie has been a real b-i-t-c-h lately. I would say she's PMS- ing, but that only lasts about a week and she's been this way for much longer than that."
"It's okay Danny, you didn't have to warn me."
"But we're cool now. I should have given you the heads up so you wouldn't be as optimistic."
"Well thanks for calling. I'll talk to you later." I wanted to rush him off the phone because hearing his voice was causing my eyes to water.
"Wait a second. Did she tell you about Kirk?"
"Who?"
"Her ex-bestfriend who turned out to be gay."
"No, we didn't do much talking. Look Danny, I really appreciate you calling, but I need to go."
"Oh, okay. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Bye Danny."
"Bye Dad."
He hung up the phone and I watched my old phone number disappear from the small screen. Danny was the one I was the most worried about finding out I was gay. I had assumed that it would be harder on a son than a daughter. I smiled at how off base I was. Danny was fine once we talked; it was Katie who couldn't accept me. Maybe that Kirk boy had something to do with it or maybe she really did think it was wrong. I didn't care what her reasons were. I just wanted her to love me.
I walked in to my apartment and the coldness taunted me with memories of the night before. I had spent the previous night at Jerry's house in his arms and it seemed unfair to return to my apartment without him but I knew he was at work and I also knew there was a cold mini-bottle vodka waiting for me with open arms. I went directly to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle. The vodka slid down my throat like cold water after a good workout. I hadn't been able to enjoy the pleasures of alcohol because Jerry was limiting my intake. Luckily he wasn't around and I could drink as much as I wanted and I fully intended to do just that. I polished off the bottle and then went back to the refrigerator to get a beer. The beer tasted strange as it mixed with the traces of vodka and that excited my taste buds and reminded me of one of the many reasons I liked drinking. Drinking made me feel good.
I finished the beer and grabbed another beer and walked to the living room so I could relax on the sofa. I was halfway done with my beer and contemplating what to drink next when my phone started ringing. I didn't want to talk to whoever it was so I stayed on the sofa. I had about a good swallow of beer left by the time the incessant ringing started to drive me crazy. I picked up the phone and said, "I'm busy," and hung up. I wasn't drunk. I just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. The buzzer rang. The fifth time it went off I stood up and walked over to use the intercom, "I'm not home."
My phone started ringing again and suddenly stopped which reminded me of a scene from a movie. I halfway expected to hear a knock on the door. I jumped when someone knocked a few minutes later. I sat the bottle on the table and went to the door and opened it. Jerry was standing there staring at me and he looked pissed. "You're up here drinking, aren't you?"
"You're supposed to be at work."
"Karen called me." He walked in and closed the door. "She said things didn't go so well with Katie and judging by the bottle on the table I'm assuming she was telling the truth."
"Dammit Jerry, I only had one beer. Stop insinuating that I've been in here drinking away my sorrows like some kind of pathetic drunk." I wondered if he could tell I was lying about only having one beer.
"I'm not trying to insinuate anything." He lightly pushed me towards the sofa. "Now have a seat and I'll go fix us something to drink."
I sat on the sofa, "I'd like a rum and coke please."
He raised an eyebrow and said, "Well you're getting a regular coke."
"Will you at least put some ice in it?"
"One coke on the rocks coming up." Jerry left me sitting on the sofa and went in the kitchen. I was itching for another drink. I didn't have to swallow the alcohol; I could swish it around in my mouth a little and think about swallowing it. I closed my eyes and realized I was kidding myself. If I had alcohol in my mouth I would have to swallow it because the taste and the feel of it going down was the most satisfying part short of the euphoria associated with losing a firm grasp on reality. "Here you go."
I opened my eyes and Jerry was standing over me handing me a glass of coke. I took the glass and had a few sips. "Thanks."
He sat down next to me. "So what happened with Katie?"
"She hates me."
"No she doesn't."
"I wish people would stop saying that. Yes she does. She hates me. She hates that I'm gay and that I was never there. She called me a sperm donor."
Jerry almost choked on his drink. He coughed a few times. "Really? She said that to you?"
"Yes and it's not funny."
"It is funny. How old is she now?"
"14."
"She used to be a little angel, didn't she?"
"I wouldn't know."
Jerry put his arm around me. "Don't be so hard on yourself."
"I'm not. Who was I kidding thinking that everyone was going to react well? I envisioned her hugging me and kissing me on the cheek and telling me it was okay and instead she practically slapped me across the face and spit on me."
"I'm sure she'll come around. She was probably just surprised."
"She wasn't. She already knew."
"How?"
"The good old rumor mill. Some kids at her school told her. I still don't know how they knew."
"Oh Karen didn't tell me that part, but hey Katie was most likely upset that she heard it from the kids at school before she heard it from you. That had to be rough."
"You're making an excuse for her?"
"No. I'm trying to help you see her side."
"She's my little girl," I said.
"I know and she'll always be your little girl. Give her time to adjust and I'm sure everything will work out."
"Well at least you're sure. I'm not so positive about that."
"You don't have to be because I'm sure enough for the both of us." He sat his drink down on the table and grabbed the remote. "So what are we watching tonight?"
"Your choice."
He smiled. "Let's watch something happy because you're depressing me."
c Lustyville 2007 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out more of this story and my other stories at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville