On Our Way To Fame 7
The story below is a work of fiction. It is a love story and will involve sex between young gay males. All the usual rules apply. If it's illegal for you to read this or if you're under 18, don't! You might have read the story before as it used to be in the adult friends section. But after editing it, I thought it was more a youth-oriented story. The story here is exactly the same as the original, but it was a little improved and the characters are a couple of years older to make it more real and believable. I think they were a bit too young in the original. Feedback is welcome and appreciated. This is my first story, so I'd love to know what you think,
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Chapter 7
As soon as I came, I started thinking normally again, with my brain and not my dick, that is! Rachel was smiling, still drunk, but I wasn't anymore, or if I was, It felt like I had sobered up all of a sudden. The realization of what I had just done came crashing down on me and I was feeling really guilty. I was putting my pants back on clumsily as I said almost freaking out.
"Rach, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that, we shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry."
She laughed slightly, her eyes closed and still leaning her body against the wall. "I've never come this fast before, that was so good."
"Rach!" I almost yelled, trying to make her come back to reality like I had.
"What?" She complained, still in her post-orgasmic euphoria.
"Look, can you pull yourself together here? We made a mistake. We shouldn't have done that."
"Why not? it was fun ... Oh yeah right, cos you're gay! Well you know what, maybe you're not that gay after all!"
"Yes I am, and It's not the point. Damn, I'm so stupid." I said, almost losing it.
"Oh come on, you're just a guy, you think with your dick," she laughed.
"Yeah, well, what do you think with? I can't believe you made me do this."
"Oh yeah, like I forced you! It's just, I just had to feel it once. I won't ask you that again, ok. So just stop freaking out, we had sex, big deal. I liked it, you liked it, let's just leave it there. Stop over analyzing everything like you always do." she said putting her panties back on.
"I don't do that," uhh, yeah maybe I did, but whatever. "Oh damn, can we just forget about this, let's just stop talking about it please?"
"Fine! consider it forgotten. Come on let's go back downstairs. Jeez, I need to go the bathroom, I'm so wet, Man you came a lot."
"Oh God, is this not talking about it?" I asked annoyed, and she laughed and walked to the door but instead of opening it, she leaned against it and said, "wow, I'm dizzy. Oh god, I'm so wasted, I don't think I've ever felt like this before".
I opened the door and she went to the bathroom. I almost went with her, feeling like I was about to throw up but I headed downstairs instead.
As soon as Rob saw me, he called, "hey Mark, come here."
He was playing guitar with Jordan and Damon and they were all laughing their asses off about something, and I went over to them.
"You gotta hear this, we just wrote the worse song in the history of music, but it's just so funny" Jordan laughed.
"Yeah, well you'll show me some other time, okay. Rob, I'm gonna go home. I don't feel good. I think I drank too much. I need to lie down."
"What... now? No, wait, listen to this. You're gonna love it." They seemed so excited about it, I thought it was probably worth listening to so I sat down and listened to the effects that the abuse of alcohol had on creativity.
Rob began playing notes on the guitar and Jordan and him started singing together, well, more like talking really, and laughing a little as they sang ... The lyrics were really silly and the melody was very basic, but I gotta admit, it was funny, and I couldn't help but laugh. Sometimes, it just made no sense, but they were so pissed, their cheerfulness was infectious. At the end of the song, Rob looked at me and sang,
"Why do I have ketchup on my sleeve
Do you think that Adam fancied Eve
what if eve could not conceive
and he had to breed with Steve
we'd all be gay,"
and we all cracked up. The alcohol was still in my system and I was starting to have fun again. But as soon as I remembered what had happened a few minutes before, I panicked and stood up.
"Yeah ok, you guys have fun. I'll just go home, at my place ok. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Why would you want to do that?" Rob asked. I kissed him quickly on the cheek, leaving his question unanswered and left, hoping he wouldn't make me go to bed with him. I just couldn't be around him, I felt too guilty. At that instant, I made a promise to myself never to drink like that again.
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I woke up the next morning alone in my bed, completely unaware of everything for a few seconds, trying to figure out where I was and what day it was until I remembered what had happened the night before. I immediately started to panic. My head was pounding, I was tense and cold and all I wanted to do was to warm up my body against Rob's, except he wasn't there, and after what I had done, I wasn't sure I deserved it. I felt terrible and sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe I had cheated on him, I didn't want to be that kind of guy. I wasn't a cheater, I didn't want to be a cheater.
And I had cheated on him with Rachel, no less. I knew he was jealous of her. He didn't say it, but it was obvious. He didn't really like it when I spent time alone with her and he was always acting very distant when she was around. They barely talked to each other and sometimes it felt like they were both silently competing for me. I knew that he was afraid I'd break up with him and decide it would be easier to be straight and he felt that Rachel was his first rival.
I reluctantly got out of bed, shivering, and walked to the bathroom. I felt completely dehydrated so I drank some water, which just made me want to throw up immediately, which I did. God, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never get out again. I didn't want to deal with my mistakes. I didn't know how.
I took a warm shower, hoping it would make me feel better and tried not to think about anything as the warm water hit my body, forcing me to relax, except it didn't work. My mind was racing. I couldn't get over how stupid I had been. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like I had betrayed Robbie and used Rachel to get off. I kept repeating the night's events in my head, thinking about what I should have done. I just wanted to go back in time and erase everything. My emotions were a mixture of guilt and fear. I was scared. Because I knew I was gonna have to tell Rob. Because I had always told him everything. All my life, I had always been an honest person, especially with him. I had never ever kept anything from him and I knew that even if I tried to, I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret very long because if I did, it was just going to eat me inside. I hated the idea of lying to him.
But how could I tell him something like that? Just the thought of hurting him made me ache. I tried to think of how I would take it if he told me tomorrow that he had cheated on me, and my eyes started to water. It did hurt me to think about that, I know I would be devastated. How could he not be?
I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't actually crying but I was so upset. I forced myself to imagine how he was going to react, hoping that maybe he won't be too upset. I mean maybe I was overreacting to this, maybe I needed some time to think about it and I would realize it wasn't such a big deal. I mean, we had messed around with other people, we were not completely monogamous.
But as I stood there in the shower, I knew better. When we decided to have a three some with someone, it was something we did together, it was something we both agreed to do, it didn't feel like cheating at all. We had some boundaries and I knew there was a line not to cross but last night, I had crossed it. I had fucked someone else behind his back, someone he really didn't want me to touch, and I knew he wouldn't be okay with that.
I was sure of that, because even when we had sex with other guys, we had rules. There was stuff he didn't want to do because he was jealous and so was I. And I knew that if we started to break those rules, we might lose the trust we had in each other. We always used condoms, we never kissed them, we never flirted with anyone behind each other's back, knowing it would lead to sex. We always talked to each other and made sure we were both ok with it before we let anything happen, and we never bottomed. We didn't feel like we could be this intimate with someone we barely knew. He didn't want to give himself to someone else and neither did I. This was very important to him, I think probably even more than it was to me.
He could be really jealous and protective sometimes. If a guy tried to kiss me or played with my ass, he stopped him immediately and I was even more worried here because I knew how he was when a girl started to flirt with me.
He hated it and I knew why. He felt he couldn't compete with girls. I kept telling him I didn't want to be with a girl, that I really wasn't interested, that he was giving me so much more than a girl could ever give me, and I meant it too, but he was still worried. And I knew that if he found out about Rachel, it would justify his doubts and fears. That would just kill him.
I stayed at home all afternoon, lying on my bed, feeling like shit, tormented with remorses as I tried to figure out how I could possibly get out of that situation over and over and over again. I didn't want to see anyone. I almost called Rachel to know how she was feeling but I didn't want to talk to her. I sort of felt like she had taken advantage of me. I would have never done that if I had been sober and I was kind of mad at her. I was totally depressed and I knew that soon, Rob was going to call or come over. Because we hadn't spent one single day apart from each other in months. I didn't want to see him, because I wasn't sure I could face him and have enough balls to tell him everything. I was fearing it more and more, and around 6, sure enough, he came over...
He entered my room, looking way too handsome. Why did he have to be so damn perfect all the time anyway? I was lying on my bed, holding a pillow on my chest, and he jumped on the bed, lying on his back next to me.
"So... hangover?" he asked with a laugh.
"You have no idea."
"I missed you this morning, why did you sleep here anyway?"
"Don't know."
"Well, come on, let's go back to my place. No offense, but I hate this house. You know what your father told me when he opened the door?" I shrugged my shoulders without saying anything, waiting for him to tell me.
"He looked at me and he went, what do you want? don't you have anything better to do. Do you think you live here or something?" he said, rolling his eyes.
"Sorry. I guess some things will never change. I just hope I'll never be like him," I sighed.
"You're not, don't worry. I won't let you!" he said giving me a peck on the lips. "Come on, let's go, you're not sleeping here again tonight. I hate sleeping without you. Maybe we should work on Lost&found tonight (a song). Nigel (our producer) told me he wanted to work on it first thing in the morning so we can start recording in the afternoon. I need to work on the melody. I don't know it very well. There are a lot of different ways to sing it. I'm not sure which way to go, you gotta help me."
I didn't really want to play at all but we went back to his place, had dinner and hung out. he worked a little on the song but I wasn't into it at all. I was lost in my thoughts, barely listening to him. I kept thinking about how I was going to tell him when I realized he had just asked me something, but I had no idea what it was.
"What?"
"What's wrong? you look like you're miles away. Did something happen at your place?" he asked, concerned.
Jeez, I just didn't deserve him. Here I was, feeling like shit because I had cheated on him and he was worried about me, worried that my fucked up family might have done something to hurt me again.
"No, nothing happened. I just have trouble recovering from last night. I don't feel very good. You know what, I think I'm gonna go lie down in bed. I need a good night sleep if I want to feel better tomorrow. I really can't concentrate right now."
"Fine ... you're not a big help here tonight. Next time we're having a party, there'll be no alcohol for you," he joked. Yeah, good idea!
I went to bed and snuggled under the covers, but it was still early and I wasn't exactly tired. I just wanted to hide or disappear so I won't have to face him. He was playing guitar, trying to find the right melody for the song and I just listened to him, loving the sound of his voice.
And as I lay there in bed, I knew I was not going to tell him anything. I just didn't know how. I didn't have the energy or the courage to break his heart, it was too painful just to think about it. About an hour later, he stopped playing and joined me in bed, naked, and hugged me, his chest against my back. I could feel his hardness against me. Of course, he was horny. We always fooled around before we went to bed, why would it be different tonight, especially since we hadn't done anything for a couple of days. I wasn't sure I wanted to have sex with him. I wasn't really in the mood. I felt so guilty.
He brought his hand to my crotch and took my penis and balls in his hand, massaging and squeezing my package gently to make me hard as he pressed his lips against the back of my neck. He gave my cock a few strokes, but I swear I felt so bad inside, I just couldn't get hard. Nothing was happening so I turned around and whispered,
"I don't really feel like it tonight. Can we try to sleep?"
"It's only 9.30. We've got plenty of time. I don't want to sleep now. I'm not tired.... Are you?" I didn't say anything and he pushed me on my back and licked my lips, whispering lovingly, "I want you."
He caressed my chest with his fingers, and ran his tongue down my neck, to my nipples. He sucked on them, trying to make them hard and his tongue continued its journey down my chest. He kissed my stomach and my navel but when his face got closer to my penis, I put my hand under his arm and pulled him up. I was still soft and I didn't want him to try and suck me off, knowing I was probably not going to respond to the stimulation. I don't know, I must have blocked the link between my brain and my cock or something.
But I knew he wanted to get off before going to sleep and he wasn't going to drop it. I looked at him in the pale light of the room. He looked so handsome, he was so perfect. HE wouldn't do what I did, he would never hurt me. I felt like scum, and the worst part was that I was feeling like that because I loved him so damn much. I needed him. I didn't want to lose him. I couldn't take that risk. He was giving me so much, he was making me so happy. He was the rock I leaned on all the time. If he hadn't been there when I needed to escape from my family, I don't know what would have happened to me. I was happy and sane today because of him. He was loving me like no one else could. I couldn't even imagine how it would be like if we broke up. Not being able to sleep with him every day, kiss him, touch him, make love to him, share everything with him. I just couldn't imagine my life without him anymore. I mean without him as a lover. I knew I would probably never lose his friendship but I was too scared of losing his love and his trust. I didn't want to fall from the pedestal he had put me on. That would be a big fall, believe me, I was very high up there!
I started thinking that maybe it was best not to tell him, at least I was sure not to lose him or hurt him. After all, it was just a stupid drunken mistake, it's not like I had fallen in love with someone else or had had a whole relationship behind his back. Maybe it just wasn't worth mentioning.
After all, Rachel didn't even seem to think it was a very big deal and I was pretty sure she was not going to tell him anything. But still, I was not a good liar, I hated it. But I began to think that I could probably handle keeping this from him if it meant that I wouldn't lose what we had.
He was kissing my neck and I took his chin in my hand to make our lips meet. We kissed and I made the mistake of looking into his eyes. Damn, why did he have to look at me like that all the time? As if I were the most precious, perfect thing on earth, as if he would just do absolutely anything for me if I asked him. It just made me feel even worse. I tried to block everything out and just give him what he wanted already.
I decided to try and get him off quickly because I knew he would just fall asleep after that, he always did. I took his cock in my hand and started jerking him off fast, hoping that would do the trick. He seemed to be horny enough. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensation but after only a few seconds he brought his hand to mine and stopped me, whispering in my ear,
"Suck me baby." Damn! Ok, fine! I'll do that, after all, I kind of wanted to. I just didn't feel like I should just have sex with him as if everything was perfect in a perfect world. He would certainly not want me so much if he knew.
I lowered myself onto his cock, and started sucking the head as if it was a lollipop. I was determined to give him one of the best blow job of his life to just get it over with. I took him all the way down my throat, trying not to think about anything but my mission to make him cum, and I moved my head up and down fast, applying as much pressure as I could on his shaft with my tongue and sucking on the head to basically suck the cum right out of him.
"Ohhh Mark, you're so good, keep doing that, feels awesome." He moaned, clearly loving it, but despite all my effort, it didn't sound like he was going to cum anytime soon, and after a while, my jaw started to hurt and I realized that he was holding back from cumming. That was obvious now, he wanted to fuck, and I wasn't going to get him off with a blow job. I almost started laughing to myself. Shit, I wasn't gonna get out of it now, was I? It was pretty clear that I couldn't fuck him, I hoped he didn't want me to. I wasn't completely soft but I definitely wasn't hard enough and I didn't think I wanted to be. I couldn't allow myself to want him.
He took my face in his hands and made me let go of his cock. he pulled me up and kissed me, moaning a little in my mouth. He resumed caressing my body, roaming his hands all over my back and I did the same to him, holding him close because I didn't want him to wonder why I was being passive, especially since I wasn't really hard. We continued kissing and caressing each other, lying on our side, face to face until I felt his hand on my ass.
And I realized that my idea to get him off quickly was completely out of the window. He didn't even want to fuck here. I knew that touch, I knew those kisses and those moans, he wanted to make love. Long, slow, gentle love, just my luck!
One of his fingers searched my hole and he pushed it into me, moaning when my ass grabbed his finger, telling me with his actions that he wanted to make love to me. And the worst thing was that deep down, I wanted him to, but I didn't feel like I really had the right to enjoy it.
He moved his finger around, kissing my neck at the same time and asked with need in his voice "Mark, can I...?"
No need to be a rocket scientist here to figure out what he was asking me considering he had a finger up my ass. But since I had told him I wasn't in the mood, he probably felt like he had to beg for it. I started thinking of a good way to tell him no but I quickly changed my mind when he bit and licked my earlobe in his mouth. I moaned as a jolt went through my neck, down the small of my back and to my cock, making it respond and expand. Man, that was a strong one. Goose bumps covered my body and suddenly, all I could think about was that I wanted him. I couldn't hold back anymore. I just couldn't fight it. I knew it was wrong, I knew I shouldn't let him make love to me. I should tell him what I had done but I couldn't. I wanted him and more importantly he wanted me and I wanted to give myself to him again. I wanted to feel like I belonged to him. I pressed my lips against his and he opened his mouth, letting me suck on his tongue. He slid his finger in and out of me some more to open me up and when he removed it, I lay on my stomach, letting him know he could pretty much do whatever he wanted and he reached for the lube.
He lubed up his cock and pushed it into me, meeting a bit of resistance. I tried to relax and he had to push a bit harder to pop the head of his cock through. I sighed when I felt him slide slowly inside me, and I told myself to forget everything and just enjoy the feeling of having the guy I loved make love to me. He began fucking me slowly and I raised my leg higher on the side to give him better access. He pushed himself deeper into me, moaning, and I concentrated on the sounds of his cock sliding in and out of my ass, finding it very hot. He was softly caressing my thighs and ass with his hands until he lowered himself down, pressed his chest against my back and tried to slide his arms under me. I raised myself up a little and he put his arms around me under my chest, caressing it and holding me tight. He continued fucking me slowly, his chest rubbing against my back and we moaned. God, he was so good, he was such a fantastic lover. He had been fucking me for about 15 minutes here already and I knew he could still last a while, just because he was determined to give me as much pleasure as he could.
My cock was semi-hard against the mattress because despite the pleasure I was feeling, I still found it difficult to surrender completely to the sensations he was sending through my body even if I wanted to. My troubled mind couldn't completely shut up and enjoy. He started kissing my ear, God I loved that, and as if it wasn't enough, he began whispering lovingly in my ear the kind of things that just made me go nuts. He licked my earlobe, giving me goosebumps again and said,
"You feel really good tonight, let me take care of you, let me give you what you need" I moaned and he continued,
"You're so special, I love fucking you like that, feeling your chest, I want you so much baby, your ass is so firm and soft and warm. I can't stop thinking about you all the time, I always want you, I had to jack off this morning cos I was so horny and I wanted you. You could have fucked me if you had been with me, yeah, I wanted you to fuck me. I can't be without you anymore, it's too hard, I need you all the time. I need to see you and hold you and hear your voice and your laugh." I let out a groan, totally turned on here. I just couldn't resist when he talked to me like that. My cock was really hard now, rubbing against the mattress.
He kissed my shoulder and said as he gently worked his cock in and out of me, "I love the taste of your skin, it's so smooth. You are so wonderful. I never want to be away from you. You make me feel so good, all of you, I love everything about you. You're just so special, we are so good together."
I gave a low grunt and raised myself up a little, moaning and he pulled out of me. I turned over so that I was lying on my side and he pressed his cock against my ass cheeks. I raised my leg to let him push his cock back into my open hole. "Ughhh" I moaned. "You're so deep, I love it, you're so good" and I was loving it, he was incredible.
We settled in this position for a while, he was holding my cock in his hand, gently stroking it and after a few more minutes, he moved his hand from my cock to my nipples, causing me to cry out in pleasure. He pressed his lips against the back of my neck, moaning more and more often. I slid my hand behind him and pressed it against his ass to make him push himself deeper into me. He yelped and moaned, and I knew he was approaching his orgasm. I tried to make my ass grab his cock as hard as I could and he groaned quietly, holding me a little tighter and breathing fast and I could tell he was cumming inside me. His body was jerking a little as he enjoyed his orgasm and whimpered. He stopped moving for a few seconds, but he soon applied pressure on my back to make me roll onto my stomach. I was face down on the bed again and he fucked me some more, moaning, and obviously enjoying a second dry orgasm as I told him, "Ughh, you are so incredible baby, yeah, don't stop"
It's too bad I still felt very guilty because that could have been one of our top 10 love making session for me. After a couple of minutes he stopped fucking me and gently eased himself out of me. I turned around and he caressed my chest and ran his fingers over my abs, playing with my belly button a little until I felt his hand on my now semi-hard cock. It had been amazing but I hadn't cum. I wanted him to have the best orgasm he could possibly have and apparently he had, but I wasn't important. He started stroking my cock to make me cum too but I put my hand on his and pushed it away gently.
"What? Don't you need to get off?" I almost told him he had cum enough for the both of us but I didn't.
"I'm ok, it was really good, I loved it but I don't need to cum. I'm totally satisfied here, you were really amazing" I said caressing his face. Well, actually, my tormented conscience still didn't let me feel the ultimate pleasure but I couldn't tell him that, not after the way he had just made love to me. I could tell he found it weird. it wasn't typical behavior for me. I always came when we made love even if I was bottom.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," I took his arm and put it around me as I spooned myself against his chest and laced my fingers through his. After a few minutes, I heard his breathing change and I knew he had fallen asleep but I was still wide awake. I held his hand tight, feeling the guilt come back tenfold and I started softly crying myself to sleep. I couldn't believe I had been stupid enough to jeopardize such an amazing relationship. I really didn't want anyone else but him. I just didn't know what was the best thing to do.
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The next Monday, we were back in the studio and I had the hardest time concentrating on my playing. I was very important to the band. The producers worked with me much more than they did with the guys because I was the one who wrote the songs. They listened a lot to what I had to say, to my ideas. For them, Rob and I were the glue that held the band together. We were the ones who came up with melodies and ideas for lyrics most of the time, and Rob was the leading member because he was the singer. We didn't really feel like there was a leading member though, we were all equal but it's just that Rob was the one people knew of because he was the one journalists focused their interviews on since he was so charismatic.
I couldn't understand how he did it. He was just so different when he was around fans or journalists. He was this self-assured, funny, outgoing, independent guy but when we were alone together, he was not like that. He was much more shy, sensitive and insecure. He was able to put on a show for the public, to be a different person outside to protect himself. He just had two sides of his personality and I felt like there was one which was just for me and his close friends and family. I liked the idea that people didn't know who he really was and how he really felt deep down. And I knew that I was the only one he didn't hide anything from. He needed me as much as I needed him.
So, to come back to me and music, I knew how to write a great song. I was damn good at it too, and if I was in the mood, it felt like inspiration just came from above. To me it was pretty easy, and I didn't feel like what I was doing was so amazing but others did. I could just play for an hour and find a new melody really easily. I guess it was a gift. I always came up with great sounds and new ways of transforming a basic melody into a pretty special song. The producers were very impressed most of the time when we worked together because I was always bringing something different to the songs, my own touch, my own sound and it usually made the difference between a regular song and a very special one.
And since I was still quite young, they had big hopes for me. The way I played guitar or piano really gave an identity and a special sound to our music. Professionals had trouble deciding whether we were more Rock, or Rock alternative. It was in between I suppose. I didn't really care. To me It was just us, no need to put a name it, a bit like being gay actually.
Plus, I don't mean to brag, but if I just repeat what the people working with us were saying about me, I was an extremely talented individual, a band all by myself, and with the right help at the right time, I had the power and the talent to make UNI famous and respected worldwide. I had already gained the respect of a lot of people at BMG because I was serious, hard-working, dedicated and talented, but we all were. They told us we were the kind of band that doesn't come around every day. They were sure this album was going to bring us worldwide success. We had already received plenty of very good critics in magazines about our live performances and professionals were waiting for us around the corner. When they first wrote a review in NME, it was pretty rewarding because that's where we had always wanted to be. They said we were a very promising band.
With this new album, it was whether we would fall flat on our faces, which I was sure we wouldn't, or we would start becoming really big. All the songs had something different to them and they were all really good. It was much much better than the first one and yet, the first one had done really well but we were too young. We needed time to evolve and learn. I felt like it was only really starting. the road was long and the door was open for us.
That morning, I had several takes to record but I was not into it at all and I kept messing it up, it just didn't sound like me playing at all. I wasn't playing with my heart, I was just playing, not concentrated on what I was doing.
"Mark, what's wrong with you? Did you lose your touch over the weekend or something?" Nigel complained.
"I'm sorry, can I take a break for a few minutes. I'm really not into it. I... I need a break"
I left the studio, hearing Nigel complain as he told Dylan they were gonna work with him.
I went into the hallway and sat on one of the sofa, holding my knees close to my chest, thinking about the popular saying, `don't let your personal life interfere with your professional life', yeah well let me tell you, easier said than done. After a few minutes of torturing myself, Jordan joined me on the sofa.
"You look preoccupied Mark, you look like you don't really wanna be here, it isn't like you. Is everything okay?"
"No, it's not." I had to get it out, and Jordan was the next best thing after Rob. If I couldn't tell Rob, I'd tell him
"What's wrong?"
"I had sex with Rachel on Saturday," I blurted out, surprisingly calm.
"WHAT?" he asked, almost laughing, "wha..how.. what?"
"You heard me! ... How bad is it?"
"well ...it's not very good. How did that even happen? Are you turning straight?" he joked.
"No," I said, shaking my head. "I don't know how it happened, we were so wasted. We ended up alone in Katie's bedroom and Rach started you know, asking me to...and I just did"
"Oh man, you really shouldn't drink you know, it makes you think straight, that's really dangerous," he kidded, but my sense of humour had completely vanished at that point.
"Are you gonna tell Rob?" he asked.
"Do you think I should? How do you think he's gonna react?"
"I don't know. He's your boyfriend, not mine. But I don't think he's gonna like it though, I mean, Rachel? you couldn't screw anyone else? She's like the one person he's really jealous of and you go and fuck her. Anyone else would have been better than her."
"Thanks, Jordan, exactly what I need to hear."
"Well, you asked me. What do you want me to say? That he's not gonna care when it's pretty obvious that he will"
"I don't think I can tell him. It's too hard. Maybe it's best if he doesn't know. That's just gonna hurt him and it's not like I want to break up with him and date Rachel. I want to be with him, not her."
"Yeah but ... is it really that big a deal? I mean, don't you guys like fuck around anyway? If he's okay with letting you sleep with other guys, why wouldn't he be okay with that after all?"
"Because I cheated on him. If we both have sex with someone, we're not doing it behind each other's back. It's not cheating."
"It isn't? Sounds pretty much the same to me. But, I don't know. I don't get where is the line not to cross in your relationship. You just have a weird way of doing things when it comes to sex. But I suppose sleeping with a girl is not really ok. I can't believe she finally got what she wanted. she must be pretty satisfied right now."
"What, do you think she was planning this?" I asked him with curiosity.
"Maybe not planning it, but waiting for an opportunity, yeah, definitely! I told her I could sleep with her whenever she wanted to, but apparently she wanted a challenge" he joked and laughed.
"Oh god, don't tell me you fancy her?"
"Why, would that make you jealous? I gotta admit, she's pretty hot."
I chuckled but did not answer. I just thought that would be weird if she dated someone from the group.
"God, Jordan, what I am gonna do?" I said, burying my head between my knees.
"Look, don't do anything. It's pretty clear you don't want to tell Rob, and maybe it's best if he doesn't find out about this. Make sure Rach won't say anything, and just forget that it ever happened. You were drunk, people do stupid things when they're drunk. That will teach you a lesson!"
"Yeah, well, I learned my lesson all right!"
"So? Tell me," he said mischievously, "how did you like it? Doesn't make you want to be straight?"
I laughed. "Not really, no! I don't even remember how it felt like."
"Arg, you just don't know what you're missing."
"Well, neither do you!" We laughed. That was true though, straight guys just don't know what they're missing.
"Hey, who knows? maybe I'll try someday, faut pas mourir con, right?" he joked.
This was a French expression I used often and the guys knew it by heart. Basically it meant, 'you don't wanna die stupid so you have to try everything'
"Really? hehe wanna try with me and Rob?" I said with a laugh, not meaning it at all.
"Ew, thanks but I'm good, eww," he laughed some more.
I was starting to feel a little better. There was something about Jordan that made you want to be in a good mood. He was always cheerful and cool about everything! I loved him, well, not like that, but I did. He was great. And even if I didn't think of him in a sexual way, I had to admit he was a very good-looking guy. Dark hair, blue eyes, nice body, he was well-proportioned. He had a very sexy attitude. When he played on stage, he always danced a bit, moving his body to the music from side to side. That made him look really sexy. Our fans really liked him.
He and I always fooled around on stage when we played. We were always smiling, laughing, dancing a little, singing. We didn't just stand there and played, doing our own thing, we communicated a lot with actions, all of us really but Jordan and I, it was like non stop, on every kind of songs. He was so much fun. Our fans loved watching us play. I suppose it was very entertaining and Rob being the entertainer that he was, it made us a pretty awesome band to see live. We played differently during gigs, it was not like listening to the album at all. We added new songs, did some covers and I always played different riffs to link one song with the other, we changed some stuff, even some lyrics sometimes, Rob did that a lot and each gig was different. It was something the fans really appreciated.
After talking to Jordan, I decided to block the whole thing out. I was just gonna forget about it and get on with my life. I threw myself completely into the album. I gave everything I could possibly give. I wanted this album to be perfect and I knew it was going to be. I was in competition with myself. I wanted to be the best I could possibly be.
I wanted fame, success and respect for the band, and I was determined to do do everything it took to get it.
Rachel and I almost stopped talking after Dylan's birthday. We quickly discussed the sex thing again but I was so busy with the album that I didn't have time to hang out with her and if I had time, I didn't call her. I started to feel like we were growing apart and maybe it was better that way.
I was always with Rob, I spent every free time I had with him because he was the one I wanted to be with. That thing with Rachel had made me realize again how much I loved him.
But of course, with my luck, everything couldn't be so perfect. I felt like I had it all but things just couldn't stay that way now, could they? That would have been too much to ask I suppose.
And only three weeks later, we were still working in the studio when Rachel called me on my cell while I was working with Nigel and asked me to come over to her place as soon as I came back home. She sounded really weird on the phone, telling me it was very important and I started to panic, wondering what could possibly be wrong, hoping it wasn't what I thought it was.
We came back home around 10pm and I told Rob I needed to talk to Rachel quickly about something. He didn't really understand why I needed to see her at that time but he didn't say anything, just told me not to be too long. I went over to her place and as soon as I entered her bedroom, she looked at me, freaking out and blurted out, "I'm pregnant Mark"
Yeah, I knew it, what else could it be? Shit, Shit, Shit! I had thought about that but I honestly didn't think It was going to happen. it felt more like a silly fear. I mean what were the odds?
"Oh God, are you sure? Seriously? Ohhh God, tell me this isn't happening."
"I should have had my period a week ago but I'm always a bit late so I didn't worry too much about it, but I bought a pregnancy test this afternoon just to make sure and it's positive. Oh my god, Mark, what are we gonna do. I can't believe this, i can't believe I'm pregnant. I don't wanna be pregnant. what am I gonna do?" she asked freaking out, almost crying.
"I don't know, I have no idea. Maybe the test is wrong. Are you really sure it's positive?" I said, hoping maybe there was still a very slight chance we could get out of this.
"Yes I'm sure, shit, why didn't you use a condom. Don't they tell us enough everywhere that we're supposed to use condoms," she yelled at me.
"Because I didn't have any, and that was the last thing on my mind. And the way I do it, I don't really have to worry about Rob or I getting pregnant. I wasn't exactly planning on having sex with you. And you're supposed to be on the pill. You slept with Paul for months and all of a sudden you have sex with me and you get pregnant?"
"yeah well I'm sorry but I didn't really need to take it lately, and I always forget the thing since I don't have a boyfriend anymore ... jeez, what do you think? that I did this on purpose? Oh my god! You think I did this to set you up?" she asked, sounding mad.
"Did you?"
"What?" she yelled at me. "Fuck, Mark, how can you think that? You think I want to be pregnant right now? I'm 20, I have better things to do. You think I like the idea of having a baby come out of my vagina ? and with you? Jeez, I thought you knew me better than that, Ok I wanted you, but I was drunk. I didn't have sex with you, hoping you I would get pregnant and you'd have to marry me or something like that! I'm not completely fucked up. I know who you love, and who you want to be with, and I know it's not me. But I just wanted you to screw me, plain and simple."
"Alright, alright!" I said trying to make her stop yelling, "It doesn't matter anyway, it's done now! My God, Rach, what are we gonna do?"
"I don't know, I'm gonna have to tell my parents. They're gonna help me, aren't they? oh God, they're gonna kill me, that's bad, that's really bad." She was really freaking out, crying a little.
"Do you think you should get an abortion?"
She looked at me horrified.
"Yeah I know, I'm sorry, forget I even said it, that's not a good idea, I can't believe I even said that."
Like I told you before, Catholicism was part of our upbringing and we had some strong beliefs. Now, I know being gay wasn't exactly something the church approved of but we were capable of thinking out for ourselves and there was a huge difference between loving someone and killing someone, even a fetus.
"You still haven't told Rob anything about us, have you?" she asked.
"No! ohhhh no, that's even worse now. I should have told him right away. I never should have listened to Jordan" I sighed.
"I'm sorry, Mark, really, it really wasn't my intention. I'm so scared, I don't know if I can have a baby, it's crazy, I'm not ready for this. You're gonna help me, aren't you? you're not gonna let me deal with this alone, right?"
"Of course not, Rach, it's gonna be fine. We're gonna work this out, okay." I was surprisingly ready for this, I wasn't freaking out that much, it was like I was accepting it. I had made a mistake and I was now paying the price. I couldn't fight it, there was nothing I could do. I just had to accept it.
We talked some more, trying to find solutions and we decided to talk to her parents soon. It was getting late and I knew I had to go home, Rob was probably waiting for me, and this time I had to tell him. I just had to.
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To be continued,
You can join my Yahoo group to read more, see pictures of the characters and read the band's message board. I wrote a few threads and you can find out what their fans think of UNI.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/getunitedtoo/
The lyrics of the song used in this chapter are by Robbie Williams, album Escapology, hidden track.