Paper Walls

Paper Walls. Chapter 17

Warning this story contains underage sex of the same sex! So if it's not legal where you are back out now! This story is completely fictional! All characters are made up with made up names! They are not supposed to represent anyone I know! Please do not copy or paste this story without my permission! Thanks and enjoy.

"So how are you and Callen progressing?" Dr. Decker asks.

I fiddle around with some of the trinkets on her windowsill. "We're ok." I say.

"But?"

"It's stupid." I say sitting.

"Well it's obviously not stupid if it has you so worked up about everything." She says leaning back in her chair.

"He has so much on his plate as well as I that when we are together it's just awkward at times." I say.

"Okay, and what has your anxiety on the fritz?" She asks.

"How do you know my anxiety is high?" I ask.

"You haven't stopped fidgeting since you got here." She says.

"I don't know how to talk to him about stuff I am going through like if I have a nightmare what do I tell him, he's my "boyfriend." But he's still kind of a stranger." I tell her.

"Well when was the last time you had a nightmare? Maybe do you feel like you rushed the relationship?" She counters.

"I haven't had one in like five weeks. Sometimes because I don't know I feel like I am stupid." I say looking at her.

"Well think of it as progress you've only been seeing me for three weeks and you haven't had many nightmares, do you think you are putting pressure on yourself?" Her pen poised to write down notes.

"No I haven't, in fact I don't feel so much pressure when I go to do something or I don't know how to explain it. I am just scared that I am going to freak him out if he knows a lot about the issues I have." I say.

"Do you think he wouldn't understand?"

"No I think he would, just I shouldn't have these issues."

"So you think you shouldn't have these issues? Everyone has them, from what you told me he has his own as well." She tells me.

I hang my head down, "Yeah....but what if he eventually wants to have sex and I am not ready, what if he doesn't understand?"

"Ryder, it is your body and if he can't respect you enough to understand that then that is his problem try talking to him about it, sit him down, explain the problem. Maybe you need to not think so far ahead and deal with the fact you and him are still strangers to each other" She says.

"Yeah, but what if it doesn't work?"

"It will, I can't give you an estimate, but it will I think you still have a lot of work to do. You have some things to think over. This was a good session; again if you keep having problems falling asleep you have a prescription to help you. I will be out of town next week so our next appointment will be in two weeks if that's good for you, but if you are interested I do hold a group meeting at one of the high schools. It's sometimes good to meet others who have been in similar situations; the age range is from 15 to 19. I think it might be good for you to get you out of the football environment and into something different."

"Two weeks ok.....I don't know if that will be a good thing I don't want to hear people cry about things."

"It's actually not like that at all; if you are interested we meet on Sunday in fact there will be one tomorrow." She says handing me a flyer.

"I'll think about it don't be surprised if I don't show up." I tell her.

"Actually I don't think you will show up, but maybe you'll think about it. I will be there at 5:30 tomorrow it starts at 6." she says.

I exit her office and Jeremy is sitting in one of the waiting chairs with a leg slung over the armrest, on his phone. "Sup bud?"

"Nothing, tired." I say.

He gets up and puts his phone in his pocket, "You are always tired after these sessions." He says.

"Yeah just takes a lot out of me." I tell him.

"Or is it your boyfriend taking a lot out of you." He says teasing.

"Dude you're so gross!" I say shoving him.

"Don't act like you haven't had sex yet!" He says shoving me back.

I get quiet until we reach the car and I get in. I buckle up and wait for Jeremy to get into the car and do the same. "Wait your telling me you haven't had sex yet?"

"No we haven't!" I snap at him.

"Dude whoa man calm down. I was just assuming I mean it's been a bit since you two have gotten together."

"Well we have done a few things, but we haven't gone all the way." I say.

"I figured y'all would have by now."

"Well we haven't." I say.

"Dude what the fuck man, why are you so hostile about it."

"Just it's a sensitive subject right now!" I snap at him.

"What happened?"

"Callen is pissed with me." I say.

"Why?"

"It's kind of embarrassing..." I say.

He pulls the car over, and puts it in park. "Let it out man."

"Well we were at his grandpa's cabin and like we have done stuff and we were just making out, and he started to play with my butt, and I was okay with it, then he slid a finger in and I was kind of ok with it, and he wanted to slide another into me and he was sweet about it he said he wanted to go all the way, and I told him no. So he asked why, and I told him I just don't want to have sex with him. He thinks I am just teasing him, he didn't say it but I know he thinks it. "

"Did he say you were teasing him?"

"No, he didn't have too I saw it in his eyes." I say.

"Ryder, you are making shit up then, if he didn't say it then he might not even be thinking it!" Jeremy tells me.

"Well he hasn't talked to me in a few days." I tell him.

"Fine we will go see him." Jeremy says.

"No!"

"Yeah we are going to go right now, see what's going on!"

I am fuming, but I don't say anything, we pull up to the house and I get out of the car. I walk up to the door and I ring the doorbell, and Garret answers the door.

"What's up superstar!" he says shaking my hand.

"I was wondering if Callen was here." I say.

"Yeah lover boy is here he's in his room, you can go see him. Just a warning he is in a foul mood lately. I am going to go talk to Jeremy."

I walk down to Callen's room and knock on the door.

"Leave me alone!"

I knock again, and I can hear shuffling and he yanks the door open. I can see the shock register on his face as he opens the door. He is shirtless, and he looks like he hasn't slept much. "Ryder...what are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to you." I say.

"Come in." he says moving out of the way.

I look around the room dirty clothes are everywhere and his bed isn't made, "Have a party in here?"

He blushes a little bit, "Sorry....."

"I thought we could talk." I say facing him.

"I am so sorry! I didn't mean to pressure you into anything the other day, and I have felt like a terrible fucking human being. I am so ashamed of myself.....please forgive me!" He says.

"You don't think I was teasing you?"

He looks at me confused, "No, look I know you aren't ready and I respect that I just got lost in lust and I messed up. I am so sorry."

"It's okay I thought you were mad at me." I tell him.

He shakes his head, "No! I thought I pushed too far." He says.

He moves in, and wraps me in his arms. "I think we do really need to talk though."

He releases me from the hug, and we sit on his bed, and he takes my hand. "You know I really like you right?"

"Yeah I know that." I tell him.

"I've been really thinking. I don't think you or I need to be dating." He says.

"What do you mean?" I ask not understanding this.

He grabs my other hand, "Just listen first please? I think I was so excited at the prospect of being able to date you, because you are so hot and adorable that we never got to know each other at all. I am going through a lot of stuff with my mom, and you are dealing with a ton of things that maybe forcing us to try and work is only going to make our lives that much harder. I think because we are the only gay kids that we know we just jumped into a relationship without getting to know each other very well. I want us to be friends, I mean don't get me wrong the blow jobs and jerking off together are fun, but I think we need something else that matters more."

I look at him and I see there isn't any anger or anything I see the exact opposite I see compassion, and love. "I think you are right.....I have been so stressed out that I may freak out and upset you that I have been so stressed out." I tell him.

"So you're okay with this?"

I nod my head, "yeah I am."

"Cool. You know if you still wanna do the blow jobs I am so down." He says wagging his eyebrows at me.

I punch him in the arm, "You are such a horndog. "

"A dude can try right?" He says laughing.

"Yeah you're right. Maybe when I get tired of jacking myself off I'll use your mouth!" I say giggling.

"Now who's the horndog?"

"In all seriousness though, how is everything going with you?" I ask.

He shrugs his shoulders, "My mom is still acting like a fool. Nothing has changed in that respect, what about you?"

"Therapy is going good, I haven't had much anxiety except for stuff this week, and the football team is pretty cool with me taking over the quarterback position so that's a positive thing."

"Hey that's cool dude, you know you can talk to me as well right?"

"Thanks man, so my therapist invited me to go to this group thing, she said it may help me out. I guess it's just a bunch of people that have gone through similar things as me."

"It might, you think you're gonna go?"

I laugh, "Probably not, I mean why would I want to be around a bunch of teenagers I don't know?"

"Maybe it would be a good thing for you, I mean they don't know you but they could be going through the same issues that you're dealing with. You never know man if they had a club for kids with the worst mothers ever I would totally be there." he says.

"Maybe."

"Just go once if you don't like it you don't have to go again."

"Maybe I will."

"Hey dude I don't mean to be rude, but I am about to go out with some friends you wanna come?" he says.

"Oh no its okay I am kind of tired, it's been a long Saturday actually." I say.

I find Jeremy and Garret playing basketball in the drive way, "You know coach would shake his head at the two of you." I say.

Garret makes the next shot, "Hey gotta keep my cardio up."

(Sunday Afternoon)

I have been thinking a lot about this group thing Dr. Decker told me about, I mean could it really be as bad as I was thinking, what if it was? What if I make some friends that aren't so into football....I make my way into the living room and sit on the couch next to my mom.

She puts her book down, "Yes?"

I look at her shocked, "Can't I sit next to my mom?"

She squints her eyes, "I am no fool Ryder, what do you want?"

"Just for you to love me!" I sigh out.

She reaches over and starts to tickle me, "No stop!" I yell out and start to squirm.

"Oh no sir, this is me conveying my love to you." She says laughing.

"Okay! Okay! Too much love!" I tell her and she finally stops tickling me.

"Now care to tell me what you want?" she says smiling.

"Fine, jeez. So there is this....um group meeting that Dr. Decker told me about and they meet today." I tell her and hand her the flyer.

I watch as she looks it over, "Is this something you want to look into?"

"I kind of want to go....I mean I get it if you don't want me too, but I could meet other kids who may have gone through something different and maybe make some friends that aren't like football people and I don't know maybe just find out who I am." I say.

She smiles, "Honey if you want to go I am ok with it. You don't have to defend your reasons for wanting to go."

"So you'd be okay if I went?" I ask.

"I would be ok with it, besides it would be fantastic for you to meet new people. Is Callen going to go with you?"

"We kind of broke up." I tell her.

She looks at me concerned, "Are you okay? What happened?"

"Yeah mom, I am fine, it's just we rushed this whole relationship thing. He's going through a lot and I am too. We have different situations going and I think because he was the only gay kid I knew that I just jumped into the relationship. Honestly I just see him as a friend." I tell her.

"You thought a lot about it huh?"

"Yeah and so did he, we are going to be friends, I just think we would be better off as friends." I tell her.

"I am glad we raised such a smart kid." She says and hugs me. "Now go get dressed."

"I'm already dressed I say."

"You are wearing gym shorts and a Nike shirt?"

"Uhh....yeah I mean I'm comfortable." I tell her.

"Okay let me go get my keys."

We get into her SUV and start to drive, I start getting nervous and I pop my knuckles. "Ryder stop!" my mom says.

"What! I am not doing anything." I tell her.

"You're fidgeting with your hands, and moving so much in the seat." She says.

"I can't help it I am a little nervous ok."

"Then let's talk about it." she says.

"Nope." I say and smile.

"She shakes her head, "You are such a teenager."

We pull into the front of the school, and I see quite a few guys playing with a Frisbee and some girls too. I let out a breath of air. "Want me to go up with you?" my mom asks.

"HELL NO!" I tell her looking at her horrified.

She puts her hands up, "Okay okay. Call me when you are ready to be picked up."

"Will do." I tell her and reach for the door.

"Love you!"

"Love you too."

I shut the car door, and start walking over to where the others were. I didn't want to get too close because I didn't want to be awkward. "Hey watch out for the Frisbee!" I hear someone yell at me.

I see the Frisbee coming right at me, I reach up and catch it like it was nothing. The guy who yelled at me is jogging over to me. "Go ahead and toss it back to them." He says as he reaches me.

I take a step back as he moves closer, he is taller than me I would say about six foot, he was skinny he had brown hair that was short on the sides and longer on top I could tell but didn't know how long since he was wearing a baseball hat, he also wore black rimmed glasses I could see he had hazel eyes, and a nice white smile. "Hey bud, I'm Tyler." He says sticking out his hand.

I grab his hand and shake it, I feel his hand grip mine tightly, "I'm Ryder."

"Nice to meet you man, so you here for group?" He asks.

"Yeah, it's my first time and I didn't know if I was going to get lost trying to find it so I got here early." I tell him. I put my hands in my pockets so he doesn't see me fidget with them. I don't know if it was because he was super cute or that he smelled good but he made me nervous.

"It's all good bud, we normally get here an hour early throw the Frisbee around, and just hang out and talk." He says smiling.

"Oh, cool." I say.

"Yeah man, come meet some of the others."

He leads me over to where about six other people our age were at. "Okay so from left to right. That's Caleb, Jason, Rex, Brooke, Danielle (Dani for short) he whispers to me, and that handsome guy right there is Jaxson he is Dr, Decker's son." He says and laughs.

"In your dreams pretty boy!" Jaxson says rolling his eyes.

"Everyone this is Ryder!" Tyler says and points to me.

I get a bunch of hellos and stuff, but I mainly don't talk too much. I watch them as they start to throw the Frisbee around again, they all seem like they are a huge family. "They are all very close." Someone says behind me and I jump a little.

I turn to find Dr. Decker behind me. "So you came."

"Yeah, I decided to see what the big deal was all about." I say and grin.

"Well I am glad you did, this is a good group of teens. They have all had their own problems and issues, but they made progress and they are here every time we meet up." She says.

"What do y'all talk about?"

"Everything, from relationship drama to what is bothering them. It's a nice thing to have people who aren't going to judge you."

"Do I have to tell them everything?" I ask.

"No, you can tell them everything, or nothing at all it's up to you. Just know the more open you are about yourself the more help and healing you can get. Plus some of them can help, or just be there for you."

"Callen and I broke up yesterday." I blurt out.

"I'm sorry...are you okay?" She asks.

"Yeah it was mutual." I say and let the topic die. "Why is your son here?" I ask.

"So you met Jaxson?"

"Yeah."

"Well I adopted Jaxson when I found out I couldn't have kids. " She says.

"One more question are him and Tyler...."

She laughs, "No, Tyler is like a big brother to Jaxson. Jaxson has a boyfriend or is it a girlfriend now.....Tyler is single, his last boyfriend did a number on him."

"Wait they are gay?" I ask in disbelief.

"You really didn't pay attention to the flyer huh? It said it was a group for LGBT kids to meet up and be among peers, to discuss their own problems they are having so they can be with people who will relate to them."

"Oh...." I say feeling stupid.

"It's okay, don't feel stupid." She says.

"How'd you know that's what I was feeling?"

"Because I know you by now." She says. "Come on time to get it all started."

Jaxson runs over to his mom and gives her a hug, "Time already?" he says.

"Yup kiddo let's go."

I wait till some of the other kids go into the building and I try and be the last one in case I feel like bolting out of there. Tyler walks up beside me, "Thinking of backing out?"

"How'd you figure?"

"I had the same thoughts the first time I came here." He says holding the door open for me.

"Thanks." I say walking into the building with him.

"You must have a lot going on in your life." He comments.

"How do you figure?" I ask getting defensive.

"Well for one, you seem like you are about to take off running the opposite way. Two you haven't stopped moving your hands from your pockets, to clutching them, and releasing them. That and you keep looking around like someone is going to jump you. I am going to take a guess and say you are way out of your element here?"

"Aren't you the perceptive one." I say sarcastically.

He puts his hands up, I like how long his fingers are I have no idea why I like them it's a weird thought. I look at his watch with a huge band on it which I have never seen. "Hey, I didn't mean to offend you bud, I just watch people and notice them."

"What are your problems then?" I shoot back at him.

"If I give everything away within our first few minutes of meeting then how will I be of any interest to you?" He says giving me a smile.

I roll my eyes and shake my head, I couldn't help but smile. "Sorry, just you're right I'm way out of my element here."

"Let me guess Dr. Decker kinda challenged you?" he asks.

"Yeah! I told her don't be surprised if I never showed up to this thing, and she said oh don't worry I'm not counting on it."

He lets out a laugh, and I look at him weirdly, because that laugh is different but it's adorable coming from him. I can't help but laugh along with him. "I like your laugh." I tell him.

"I hate it! I just cements the fact that I am such a dork!" he says.

"I doubt that." I tell him.

We finally reach the classroom, and everyone is sitting on chairs in a circle, "Come on man."

I follow Tyler as he sits next to Jaxson, who whispers something to Tyler. Tyler just shakes his head.

"So how was everyone's week?" Dr. Decker asks.

"Good actually my girlfriend and I had dinner with my parents, and it actually went really well!" Brooke says smiling.

"That's great hear, I told you have patience with your parents they will come around. Some parents take longer to understand coming out, and to accept it. Jaxson was lucky when my husband and I adopted him we knew that we would love him no matter what so when he came out as bisexual we were okay with it. Not every parent will be like that."

"Mine weren't." Tyler says.

"It took mine some time, but they are cool with it now." Rex says holding Jason's hand.

"I mean I was lucky that my parents are hippy like." Jason said.

"I mean my parents were okay that I am a lesbian I mean they are still getting used to it, my mom wishes that I wasn't. Only because it's hard enough being a black woman and lesbian at that. I just chalk it up to her old ways." Dani says.

"Yeah I can't come out to my parents they would probably die." Caleb says.

"What about you new boy?" Jaxson says looking at me. This is the first time I actually get a good look at him. He is shorter than I am. He has almost the same hair style as Tyler does, but his hair is blonde and he has these intense green eyes that hold a lot of mischief in them. He has a deep tan, and a nice white smile.

"My parents are cool with it." I say.

"So why are you coming here now?" He asks.

"Jaxson! You know the rules we let everyone come forward with their story when they are ready." Dr. Decker says.

I feel everyone's eyes on me, and I feel my anxiety spike. I look at Dr. Decker and I shake my head, I am thankful I am close to the door because I bolt out of the room quickly. I feel myself start to panic, I feel the sweat beading on my forehead. I see the bathroom, and I take off towards it and slam the door open. I grip the sink and try to catch my breath. I feel a chill rack my body, and I can't seem to catch my breath. I feel scared, I see images flash before me.

I hear the door open, "Hey are you okay?"

I don't answer, I am trying to catch my breath, and I don't like the feeling that I am trapped I don't know who is behind me all I know is that they are blocking my only escape route. "Don't touch me!" I gasp out.

"Ryder!"

"Please, just please don't touch me. I'm sorry just don't hurt me!" I yell out and back up against the wall.

I feel someone grab my hands, and I hear them calling my name. I finally open my eyes, and I see Tyler kneeling in front of me. "Hey, breathe bud. It's just me." He says.

I try to breathe but it's hard. "I can't." I gasp out.

"Yes you can, just focus on breathing, nothing else."

I shake my head, I can't focus on my breathing, as another chill shoots through me.

"Okay, well focus on me then!" He says.

I open my eyes back up and look at him, he doesn't look freaked out, he's calm.

"My name is Tyler Ezra Vanderbook. I'm 17 years old, I love movies, and music. I hope to attend the University of Texas, I am terrible at sports but I really like baseball. I have this weird obsession with fun socks, and shoes. I like bright colors, and I like Forest Gump it's my favorite movie. I love sour patch kids, and Swedish fish! Plus you have really pretty eyes, and are adorable when you grin."

As he is rattling on, I finally feel myself start to catch my breath. "Swedish fish are gross!" I tell him.

He laughs that adorable laugh and sits down right beside me. "So you okay bud?"

"I'm sorry." I tell him.

He pats my shoulder, "it's all good bud, are you okay though?"

"Yeah, sorry I am such a mess not the first impression I wanted to give." I tell him.

He shrugs his shoulders, "Could have been worse."

"Yeah your right. Thank you, and I am so sorry."

"No need to man, it sucks I get it." he says.

"How so?" I ask.

"Because Jaxson has extreme panic attacks especially at night." He says.

"How do you know?"

"I'm a foster kid, and Dr. Decker and Mr. Decker are my foster parents." He says.

"I had no idea."

"It's all good man, they are life savers trust me."

"So Dr. Decker isn't your therapist anymore?" I ask.

He shakes his head, no she hasn't been since I got out of the...maybe we can talk about this another time I don't want to really get into it." He says.

"Yeah I understand, so you still want to talk to me after this?"

"Duh!" so what man we all have our issues. Also I'm sorry that Jaxson put you on the spot, he gets a little overprotective of me.

"How so?"

"He just doesn't want me to get hurt again."

"But I just met you." I tell him.

"Yeah I know, he's a weird dude though." Tyler says and laughs.

------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thank you for reading! I wanted this to be a longer chapter, so sorry for the lack of updates sadly life just happens and we get busy. I have been writing a lot though! Thank you to my editor who did amazing with this chapter and this story. I am anxious to see how everyone feels about the story! Thank you for all the comments and for reading the story!