Disclaimir: This is fiction. Do not think it is real, because it isn't. This does not mean that any members of n sync are gay.
This is my first story, all comments would be welcomed at Jordan_Stories@hotmail.com
Pretending To Love- Chapter One
Where did my heart go When did it loose the way How did I let you slip away Why is it so hard to say Words that much touch you Make you believe that I More that it seems that I Today
I can't run But I can't hide All these dreams That I keep inside Now it's going to take a while I've got to learn to smile Again
Once it was easy I never had to try I never had to say a lie Never thought I'd see you cry But now I know better I've got to find a way I don't wanna hear you say Good bye
I can't run But I can't hide all these dreams that I keep inside Now its gonna take awile But I've got to learn to smile Again
I've got to find a smile That fills your heart with laughter I don't wanna find a way to get along After you Oh I wanna be the man that you knew
Now it's gonna take a while but I gotta learn to smile Again
"Can you at least tell me why, why you fucking did that J? Why you pretended to love me?" Jc shouted. Anger wasn't the only thing evident in his eyes, the hurt showed also.
"Fuck..." Justin cursed, running a hand absentmindedly through his hair. "What do you want me to say?"
"Try the truth... for once," Jc baited, taunting him with his words.
"I fucked up. I admit that. Is that enough?" Justin questioned, looking deep into his friends eyes. He was looking for a piece, even a small piece, of the old Jc. None was there.
"No Justin, it's not enough. You hurt me. You used me. You think an apology is enough to get rid of the pain you caused?" Jc said, shaking his head. "it's not enough. You burning in hell wouldn't be enough."
"Then why the hell should I say anything at all? It's clear you want nothing more to do with me... ever. How about I just leave, just walk out those two doors and never look back, never look back at you, at the group!" Justin shouted. His mind was begging him to take back those words, take back what they implied, what they hinted at. His lips wouldn't cooperate.
"I just want to know why you fucking used me. Why you said you cared when you didn't," Jc yelled. Justin glanced into Jc's eyes and for the first time saw all the pain, all the hurt, that inadvertantly he had caused. He didn't like it. He didn't like the Jc that was standing in front of him, bitter and cynical towards the world, towards his friends, towards him.
"Jc, fuck... You actually think I didn't care? That I don't care?" Justin questioned, disbelieving.
"What else am I supposed to think J?" Jc asked him pointedly. Justin shook his head.
"I did it because... well... I guess... I missed you. The real you," Justin finally choked out. Jc stared at him, unsure of what to say now, unsure of how to act now. He made it easy on himself. While choking back a sob, he turned and ran out the door, never looking back. Justin stood there for a minute, scowling.
"You really fucked him over," a voice inside him said. Justin pretended not to hear the voice, hear the truth. He shoved it so far down inside of him, he doubted it would ever surface. Then with a grimace, he walked out of the room. Tomorrow would be there before he knew it, and he needed all the strength he could muster to face his ex-boyfriend, his ex-bestfriend.
I never wanted to be here I never wanted to hold my heart in my hands I never wanted to see it crack
never wanted to see it break Yet I am I am here I am holding my heart
not letting anyone else touch it
hold it I am watching it crack
watching it break All because of you How do you mend a broken heart?
Jc was jerked from his train of thought when he heard a knocking at his door. With a grimace, he closed the faded notebook that served as a journal, and stood up. His eyes were blood shot, he had spent the night writing again, instead of sleeping. Never before had Jc avoided sleep. But last night everything had been too clear in his mind, too fresh. Just like every other night that week.
There was another knock on his front door, and Jc sighed. The sooner he opened the door, the sooner he could get back to writing, thinking... avoiding. He walked across his living room, ignoring the take out cartoons scattered everywhere, the bits of paper that held different thoughts, feelings he'd had. Just ignoring everything that reminded him of...
Just as the third knock sounded, Jc reached the door. He didn't even think to ask "Who's there?", instead he jerked it open, intending to yell at whoever was standing on his front porch. So when he saw Justin, he wasn't prepared. Without really thinking, he shut the door and locked it, never saying a word. Then, with the remaining strength Jc had, he fell to the floor and started sobbing.
Through the closed door Justin heard Jc's sobs, he heard his whimpers, and he felt ill. How could he have done that to his best friend? To his boy friend? Without taking the time to thinking everything through rationally, Justin reached into his back pocket. He hadn't wanted to use his spare key to get into Jc's house, but the sound of his friend lying there, crying, was too much for Justin to bear. It just added to his guilt.
Justin swung the door open a few seconds later. Jc didn't even notice Justin standing there, staring at him; he was to caught up in his own misery, his own feelings of inadequacy to pay attention to the door. Justin noticed Jc though.
He took in every detail of Jc's appearance. It was obvious Jc hadn't shaved that morning, or bothered to shower at all. With his blood shot eyes, Justin wondered if Jc had even gone to sleep the previous night. Somehow, he doubted it. Then Justin did a double take of the living room. Food cartoons were everywhere, with no appearance of order. A chair was overturned, making Justin wonder what had happened. And lying on the wooden table near the sliding glass door was a note pad. A faded yellow booklet Justin hadn't seen in nearly a year.
Jc only brought the booklet out when he was upset. He wrote down things in there that would make anyone's blood curdle. Thoughts about life and death, the meaning of everything. And of course about being gay.
That was when Justin realized how much Jc must have loved him. And how much he must have hurt Jc when the truth had come out. Justin pressed his eyelids together tightly, trying to block on the scene that was already imprinted on his mind. It didn't help. Every detail about Jc's misery was there, trapped. Justin began to feel sick to his stomach. How could he have done this to Jc, to his own best friend? He didn't want to know the answer.
Jc was still curled up in a ball, crying his eyes out, when Justin finished taking in the entire scene. He knew now how hurt Jc must be feeling, and he knew that somehow he needed to help Jc move past all this. Move past their relationship.
Justin stooped down and began to cradle Jc to his chest. Jc continued to cry, but now instead of clutching his own legs, he hung onto Justin's Polo shirt. The tears were still pouring, and Justin was still kneeled there, hugging Jc for all he was worth, when he felt Jc's grip change. When he heard Jc shout.
"What the hell are YOU doing here? Didn't you hurt me enough already?" Jc shouted, shaking Justin harshly. Justin didn't say a word, just absorbed the hurtful words Jc was spewing at him. "Fuck... can't you leave me alone Justin?" Jc shouted again.
"No, Jc, I can't!" Justin said, finally finding his voice. Jc continued to shake him, gripping Justin's shirt even tighter in the process.
"Why not? Why the hell can't you just leave me alone? You've already hurt me enough!" Jc shouted, growing angrier with each passing second. "didn't you pretend to be my boy friend, pretend to care about me, pretend to fucking love me? All because you thought..." Jc didn't finish.
"Thought what Jc?" Justin asked, crudely. "I'd really like to hear what else I fucking did because I cared about you." Neither had moved, Jc was still gripping Justin's shirt, shaking him. Justin was still holding on tight to Jc, trying not to let go during Jc's violent rampage.
"you thought... if I was happy... then..." Jc mumbled, no longer shouting. He noticed that he was still being held tightly by Justin.
"Your right Jc. I wanted you to be happy. Since when is that a crime?" Justin shouted, despite the fact Jc had ceased yelling.
Jc shook Justin again. "It became a fucking crime the minute, no, the second you lied to me about how you felt. How you still feel!" Jc exclaimed.
"Jc, get it through your thick skull I NEVER LIED!" Justin shouted. "if anything, your the one that lied to me!"
"When the hell did I lie to you? Huh?" Jc asked rudely.
"When you told me you wanted me to burn in hell, and even that wouldn't be enough for you?" Justin replied, remembering all the hurt those words had caused him the night before.
"Who says I didn't mean them?" Jc asked.
"You are, right now. Your still holding me." Justin explained, in a softer voice. Jc looked down at the two of them and saw that both he and Justin were clinging to eachother, just like they had, before.
Jc tried violently to let go of Justin's shirt, but something was stopping him. No matter how much he willed his fingers to let go, they clung tighter then before to Justin, clung tighter then before to their relationship. He wanted Justin back... despretely.
"Justin." Jc exclaimed. "can you at least tell me why...why you did it?" Jc asked all while pulling Justin closer to him. The two lovers layed in eachother's arms, gazing into eachothers eyes. And Justin began to talk.
"Remember the No Strings Attached tour?" Justin asked Jc, who nodded. Justin continued. "you weren't happy then. You would yell at us, all of us, over the tiniest thing. You were always on edge, bitter towards us, sarcastic. You weren't acting like yourself."
"I had things on my mind..." Jc replied.
"I know Jc, I know. Even when we hit the Hackey Sack around, you weren't your normal self. Normally you joked whenever Lance missed it. But one night... you yelled at him. You said so many mean things... and then you just turned around and walked away. Jc, fuck... you didn't have to deal with Lance's hurt that night... you didn't have to comfort him, and tell him everything would be all right. But you know something, I did. I had to sit there with him after the concert, I had to hear him asking me what the hell was wrong with you. I had to lie and say you weren't feeling good, that you didn't mean it."
Jc felt the tears welling up in his eyes. He remembered that night vividly.
Earlier that day he had fought over the phone with his mom, about coming out to Lance no less, and he hadn't been in a good mood. Jc closed his eyes, tightly. He thought back to that night, to all the hurtful things he'd said to lance, about being an idiot, and clumsy. No wonder Justin had to comfort Lance far into the night... he sighed.
"I remember." Jc managed to say, trying to fight back his tears.
"Then you remember the next day when Lance came up to you and apologized. You remember biting his head off again, just because you were in the middle of writing in that damn note book of yours." Justin said, bitterness creeping into his voice.
"unfortunely." Jc sighed. There was no doubt about it, he'd been a mess those days. Hell, he still was a mess.
"good!" Justin stated. He needed Jc to understand how hellish he had been to live with. How much every little thing had set him off. And how Justin was the one who had to deal with all of it, because he was Jc's closest friend. "I guess I owe you something though, a thank you at least. Because of you, me and Lance got a lot closer."
"Glad I could help." Jc said, sarcastically.
Justin ignored the comment, and continued. "Close enough for me to feel comfortable telling him my secret. Close enough to value his support when he found out I was gay. Close enough to be willing to do anything for him."
"You told Lance.... before you told me?" Jc said, hurt.
"You weren't you Jc. It was almost like you were someone else trapped in Jc's body. Because the Jc I know would never hurt anyone on purpose. But the Jc on tour with us almost got pleasure out of hurting us." Justin explained, hugging Jc tighter to him.
"I... I... I don't know what to say." Jc whispered. He remembered how cruel he had been. How mean, how sarcastic. He just hadn't thought it would hurt Justin. Justin was his knight in shining armor, his protector, his savior. Nothing was supposed to hurt angels... nothing.
"I guess, that's why, when I heard you on the phone with your mom... I didn't think. Remember what you told her?" Justin questioned. Jc nodded.
"I told her it was harder then I thought, trying to find a time to tell you... about everything. I told her I didn't think I could. I loved you to much to risk losing you." Jc whispered. Justin hugged Jc tighter then before, and slowly began to rock him.
"That night... I cried for hours Jc. Lance knew, he was in there, crying with me. He didn't know why I was crying though. He thought you'd fought with me again. That's all. I tried telling him... that I was to blame. You were my best friend, going through what I was going through. I should have seen the signs... I should have been there to help you through it. Instead..." Justin let that comment rest.
"You weren't to blame though J. If anything, I'm to blame." Jc said, running a hand comfortingly through Justin's hair.
"No you weren't!" Justin said, sitting up a little. "NEVER let me hear you say that again, do you understand? You aren't to blame for it! You were confused! That's all!" Justin practically shouted. He needed to get Jc to understand, in only for a few minutes.
Jc just nodded.
"Good, because if I hear you say you were to blame one more time, then... I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to do something... I swear to god." Justin commanded.
"Like you did before? Are you going to pretend to love me again, pretend to need me again? Huh Justin? Huh? What are you going to do if I say I'm to blame for a satuation that I am to blame for?" Jc asked, shouting. His anger had finally taken over, and with a sigh, he remembered the rest of the tour.