Ronnie (Chapter 5)
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction depicting teenage males in romantic and/or sexual positions and activity. The people depicted in this story may or may not really exist (many characters may have distant ties to the memories of my past).
If you are under 18 years of age (or whatever the legal age I your area is) you must leave. If you find this material offensive, you should not be reading this story. If you choose to continue . . . you have been warned, and I trust you to make your own wise choices.
So far I have received well over 100 responses to this story, and for that I am grateful. Not just that you have read my work, but that you were moved enough to write to me about it. Most responses are simple words of encouragement, but a few seem to have found some connection or support from these characters. This is of course why I write - to express what has been held for so long without a voice, and hopefully these ramblings will help someone who may be struggling with similar feelings and experiences.
Some have written with suggestions on style - thanks! It helps to have positive feedback about how the story is coming across technically. Others have suggested that more sex would be great, while many think the relationship is the most critical element. I appreciate all your suggestions and comments. The story is well developed ahead of the postings, but I do review these suggestions and consider them during editing - yet the story remains (for the most part) true to the same one in my heart before I took up the pen (keyboard). The fact that we have progressed through four chapters and are still in the same day as the story began should be an indicator that I have not chosen to move beyond what I feel is important to the health of the story - the beginning. I can tell you that the pace quickens beginning with this chapter. There will be a few new characters come into the story, some you will like, others you will not (at least I don't).
My apologies for the delay in posting this chapter, I hope to be more prompt with postings I the New Year. There was the long delay between chapter one and the rest of the work as I had difficulty learning to manipulate my new email tool and now I have taken a slight break over the Christmas holiday to be with my family and others that I love, but I hope to return to at least one posting a week for the duration of the story.
Please feel free to contact me at boyzheart@hotmail.com with any comments or suggestions.
Previously . . .
He collapsed on top of me in a heap. Our breathing was as if we had just run a marathon. I pulled him around to an embrace in my arms. He laid his head on my chest and looked up at me with bliss etched across his face. "Un-be-lievable," he said.
We pulled ourselves into a kiss, tasting our own essence in each other mouths. (Odd thing is that I could distinguish me from him, even though this was the first cock I had ever sucked, and certainly the first time I had ever tasted cum. Only occasionally before was I brave enough to taste my own pre-cum.) Ronnie, looked deeply into my eyes, I could see a slight tear welling at the eyelids, but there was passion - deep passion in his gaze. He lowered his head to the soft place between my shoulder and chest and sighed deeply while settling into a full body snuggle.
"Nelson should be home soon," he said as he began to drift of to sleep. I wondered where Mike was . . .he should have come and knocked ten minutes ago (I'm glad he didn't interrupt this time) . . . I wonder what's got him occupied . . .
I vaguely remember pulling the NBA comforter over us before we both slipped into blissful sleep.
Chapter 5
My thoughts came back to me after about thirty minutes. I knew this because I glanced at my watch and it was approaching 4:00 p.m. I reasoned in my mind how long Ronnie and I had pleasured each other and estimated that we had been asleep for half an hour. It occurred to me that I had spent a lot of time asleep today; most likely because of the extreme emotional roller coaster I had been on. It felt as if my emotions had completely jumped track and collided with reality - I wasn't sure if the outcome was what I had expected.
Today I have progressed from being your normal all-around fucked-up teenager, with my own personal self-identity crises working to lying here in my lover's bed naked. So many firsts for me today: I have never kissed anyone in passion before in my life, let alone have sex with anyone but my hand; yet now I've got someone in my arms that I'm sure I love. (I have read how many kids my age have already had sex and often as pre-teens. I think that most of the respondents to these surveys are liars. I mean, I KNOW the boys in my locker room are lying about the sex experiences. Most of them are just as virginic and I am . . . .okay . .was . . . no, I still haven't done IT you know . . . so does that mean I am almost a virgin? Anyway, how can all the kids be doing it when we are all searching so hard for someone to do it with? I was out of my mind scared to go as far with Ronnie as I just did.)
Ronnie began to show some signs of life, so I pulled him more closely to myself. He was still cradled in my ams on my chest, and for at least the moment, my other brain had remained in neutral and wasn't showing his single mindedness. The room had a lingering pungent order of sex in the air. Ronnie responded to my embrace by pressing in and turning slightly, placing more weight on me. He turned his face toward me and I leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips.
"Hey," I said.
"Umm," Ronnie purred as he settled in some more.
"How do you feel?"
"Like I want to stay right here in your arms forever," he said
"Yea, I know what you mean," I said as I pecked his lips again. "But, don't you think we ought'a get some clothes on before someone catches us again? I don't know about you, but I sure don't want to go through that experience again . . . for at least another hundred years or so."
"Oh," he groused, "Do we have tooo? I don't wanna. I wanna stay right here with you." Neither of us said anymore for a few moments as obviously both of us preferred time to continue to stay frozen here in this moment.
"Ronnie?"
Huge sigh, "Yea?"
"Can I tell you something?" I felt him tense in my arms.
Silence. The past hours had calmed many of the questions, or voices clamoring in my mind, but this silence suddenly brought them screaming back to the surface. Ronnie turned slowly in my arms, pulling his own arms to his chest like a small boy. I ran my hands over the soft skin of his back and slowly worked my down to those prized ass cheeks, one for each hand. He lifted his forehead from my chest and looked up into my eyes, his breathe warm on my face. The look in his eyes was of fear, yet trust. I sensed that his mind was running at the same fast pace mine was.
"Okay," he whispered, "But, does it have to be said now?"
"What? What do you think I'm gonna say?" I too felt the seriousness of the next statements. "What ever it is that you think, I want you to know that I . . ."
"I just don't want us to be over before we got started," Ronnie interrupted.
"Is that what you think?" I pondered as much to my self as to him.
"Well . . . umm . . . isn't this where the guy says, 'I had a great time, but . . .' ?"
A giggle snuck out of my lips before I could suppress it. I couldn't help it; he was so serious - and so corny all at the same time. Ronnie punched me softly and gave me what I would come to know as his mean look. "I'm serious," he pouted. I snorted again.
"Ronnie, you're right," I said, " This is the part where I tell you I had a great time." His eyes were riveted to mine. "The fact is I love being here, right here in your arms . . . and . . . well . . . I . d . .don't know . . . to say this except . . . (Ronnie closed his eyes tightly and was holding his breath) . . . I think I love you."
Ronnie started crying (again! Between the two of us we must've cried a washtub full already. I thought this hormone thing only affected girls this way!). He began pulling away from me and was obviously upset, though I couldn't make out what he was saying.
"Ronnie, what's the matter?" Now I was distraught. "Ronnie, I thought you felt the same way . . . or something like it!" He kept wrestling away and was now over at the edge of the bed and pulling on his pants.
"Ronnie!" I said loudly enough it could have been considered shouting -but I was only trying to get him to stop. "Ronnie, dammit! Stop! I said I LOVE YOU!!!"
He did stop. As suddenly as he pulled away, he stopped pulling on his clothes and turned to look squarely at me. I was still sitting upright in the middle of the bed. He had pulled the NBA comforter off and we were both exposed (me more so than he now). The look on his face was priceless.
"Oh," he said rather meekly. Then the lights really went off as realization broke across his face. "OOHHH," he said with more energy. "You mean . . ."
This time I interrupted him and reached out for him and we hugged each other tightly. As we pulled apart and our eyes once again locked, we both had a broad grin. "Looks like you need some pants or something," he giggled and jumped from the bed. "Hurry, we gotta go find Nelson and Mike."
I looked around for the pillow to throw at him, but by the time it was found and ready for launching, Ronnie had already slipped safely out of the room. I could hear him bounding down the hallway with his shoeless feed bouncing along the way. As I scooted to the edge of the bed, I found his briefs and inhaled their aroma and pulled them on. They were at least two sizes too small, but God how arousing it was to have my dick in the pouch that held his beautiful cock. I felt erotic. I slipped into my uniform slacks and pulled my tee shirt over my head. I was in the middle of tucking in my tee shirt into my opened trousers when the door bound open.
Instinctively I jumped at the intrusion. Ronnie had Mike and the nebulous Nelson in tow. The gayety (no pun intended) on Ronnie's face was infectious. Mike was grinning from ear to ear, and Nelson was wearing a curious smile as well.
"Nelson, this is Andy!" Ronnie bubbled, oblivious to my apprehension. "Don't you just love him!" I blushed deep crimson. Mike and Nelson looked at each other and burst out in laughter.
"Where is your shirt Casanova?" Mike asked through his giggles. "You look as if you've been caught in the cookie jar . . . or is it the nookie jar?!" Nelson and Mike were almost in tears at this point. Ronnie and I both began giggling as well. I wanted to be mad, but couldn't find the internal rage at the moment sufficient enough to overcome them all. The un-launched pillow suddenly found a new target and a brief pillow fight erupted resulting in a heap of arms, legs, and laughter. This of course evolved swiftly into a huge tickling and wrestling match. Being the smaller of the tag teams, Ronnie and I ended up on the bottom, being tormented un-merceably.
We all stopped at the same moment for a breather, when Ronnie said "Let me up, I gotta pee!" Nelson who was atop him straddling both legs over his torso and sitting on his abdomen (wish that was me) began tickling with renewed intensity. Nelson was at least a foot taller and 50 pounds heavier - Ronnie simply had no chance.
"Stop," he pleaded between fits of laughter, "Before I piss on myself!" Nelson had no plans to stop.
Mike and I glanced at each other and nodded in agreement. Simultaneously we sprang up and pounced on Nelson, toppling him off Ronnie pinning him to the floor. Ronnie struggled out from under his brother's legs and joined as we put Nelson through similar torture as he was subjecting Ronnie. Soon, he too was begging for mercy. Finally, we were wrestled out and all piled atop one another and breathing heavily with sweat dripping and our hair matted to our heads. Ronnie, always moving at quick pace, jumped up and ran to the bathroom. We could hear him urinating into the toilet as he was in such a rush that he didn't shut the door. As we heard the toilet flushing, he re-appeared in the doorway.
"Okay," he said as he leaned against the door frame, the sweaty hair looking extremely sexy as it hung almost to his eyes, "Are you turds gonna lay there stinking all day - or what?" Nelson tossed a pillow at him.
We all agreed that Mike and I should head home and make sure we weren't in too much trouble for skipping school, and Mike and I had some things we needed to talk about. Ronnie and Nelson had some new ground to cover as well. Mike and Nelson walked out to the car ahead of Ronnie and I. I was still pulling on my shoes by the deacon's bench at the front entry. Ronnie was standing dutifully by my side, patiently waiting. I stood and pulled him to me.
"What do we do from here?" He asked as he stretched up on his tiptoes and kissed me softly on the lips. "I want you to come back over soon."
"I'm probably grounded for a month. We can't plan too far in advance . . . there's just too much we don't know yet. Let's just take it a day at a time . . . okay!" I said with what I hoped was a reassuring tone.
"I'll take what ever I can get . . . so long as you go with it," he said as we kissed again.
Mike honked the horn and we separated and stepped out into the daylight. The sky was still a bit over cast, but it was still bright and hurt our eyes as they adjusted to the difference. I climbed in the passenger side and Mike started backing out the drive. I waved at Ronnie and Nelson who stood side by side with an arm around each other's shoulder waving the free arm. They looked remarkable close, much like Mike and I.
We rode in silence for a few minutes, both seemingly deep in thought. This had been a most eventful day and I for one had much to ponder. As we were driving I realized that Ronnie did not live far from my house. Actually, it was just a few blocks. Mike drove past our house and was heading toward the edge of town. I normally would have a dozen questions or would be harassing him for his poor navigational skills at this point - but today I just seemed to be rolling with the punches and decided that Mike could drive where he wanted - other things seemed far more important to me.
Things like - just what is the relationship between Mike and Nelson? I still had no idea what Mike and Ronnie spoke about this morning. I could only assume that he found Ronnie at home, or on the way home - though I don't know how he got there seeing Ronnie didn't have a license - or car that I knew of. It was a bit too far to walk - he might have run (we were at track practice after all), but with the storm this morning that seemed unlikely.
Then, there was this gay thing. Just eight hours ago I was wrestling with my own feelings toward my brother, and was confused and frustrated about the urges and desire I felt toward Ronnie. These feelings weren't right - I shouldn't have these thoughts about boys, or my brother. Now I had sexual experience of my own - I was a sexual being. This was truly the most profound experience of my life so far. I had masturbated for years, and enjoyed that immensely - but this was powerful, and even with my limited life experience I knew this was life changing. I would never be the same again. I could see no way to go back to the Andy I was this morning when Mike dropped his boxers and walked to the shower. This morning I simply waited till he was out of view then I threw the covers off and brought immediate, though temporary, relief. I don't know that I can ever simply roll over and push the image of fulfillment out of my mind any more.
Mike pulled off the road into a slightly wooed park just north of town called Liberty Park. It was designed and put together (or whatever it is that you do to make a park) back at the bicentennial celebration of 1976. It was a pretty cool park actually, but it was fairly deserted on this afternoon. Finding the right spot, he stopped the car, turned off the ignition and turned in his seat to face me. We remained silence for quite sometime; only occasionally we would glance at one another and smile.
I finally broke the silence. "Are you gonna tell me about how you knew it was Ronnie that was kissing me this morning, and how you found him? Where did he go? What did you guy's talk about? Is Nelson gay? Does he know you are?" All these questions came flooding out - I didn't even know I was going to actually ask all these questions. I mean, they were on my mind, but I didn't really expect I would ask them - it just happened.
Mike just remained silent and watched me through it all.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't mean to be such a prick. I'm just so confused, and I don't know what to do or what to ask."
"No need to apologize," he said. "I suppose I should just start form the beginning - or at least the beginning of where I met Nelson and Ronnie. I Promised not to ever talk to anyone about this, but your not just anyone - you are part of it now. It's not fair to keep you in the dark anymore.
"I should be apologizing to you actually." Mike pause and looked at me for a reaction. I just raised by eyebrows a bit and he kept going. "Nelson and I met last year at soccer. He and Ronnie had just moved to town, and Nelson tried out for the team. He was actually pretty good, and coach assigned me to work one-on-one with him to get him up to speed with our plays.
"We hit it off pretty good and soon became friends. One day he invited me over to his house after practice to chill for a while. I had already told Dad that I would be home after practice to take him to work. He had a cross-country run to make and wanted to leave the car at home instead of on the lot. I told Nelly that I would come over another time.
"After I let Dad out, I decided I would just go on over to see if Nelly still wanted company. I was thinking about catching a movie and wanted to see if you could come along. He had told me about his brother, Ronnie, who is two years younger - but I thought you would be cool about the age difference and would let him come as well.
"Anyway, I drove over and went to the door. His Mom was working in the flowerbeds out side and said I should just go in and get him up in his room - third door on the left. She was real cool, said he would be glad I could make it; she acted like she knew me all my life - turns out Nelson had told her all about me and was a bit upset hat I couldn't come over. He had planned on inviting me all week and had a big night planned.
"I made my way upstairs. It felt as if I was sneaking up on him. I knocked on the third door on the left, but there was no answer. I decided he must've left, or went to sleep or something, so I turned to leave. Just as I was walking away, I heard some noises coming from the room. I turned back and put my ear towards the door. I heard moaning - sounded as though someone was having a good time. I decided he was probably jacking-off. I knew I should leave, but I got so horny that I couldn't move. My dick got hard just thinking about what he looked like naked. I was breathing hard and before I could stop myself, I was quietly opening the door. The room was a bit darker inside than the hallway, and the muffled noises were more distinct, and I could smell sex.
"I froze as I my eyes adjusted to the dim light. I cold see the bed, where the noises were coming from. There on the bed was Nelson and someone - a small kid - naked. They had their faces in each other's crotches and were sort of rocking back and forth. It took me at least a minute to figure out what they were doing. They were sucking each other! I could tell that they had just shot off because the moaning stopped and their breathing got real hard and fast - like they had just ran a race.
"Oh my God . . ." I said before I realized it was coming out of my mouth. They both jumped like they had been shot and tried pulling the blanket over themselves.
"Mike!" Nelson yelped. "What . . . how . . . how . how did you get in here!. Oh God. . . pleeeasee d . don't tell anyone. Oh my God I am sooo dead," the panic on his voice very evident.
"Calm down Nelson," I said. "I'm sorry I walked in . . . your mother said to come on up. I knocked . . .but you must've not heard me. I was gonna leave but I heard noises." Nelson had pulled up his shorts and Ronnie was buried up to his neck in the blanket. Both had calmed somewhat, but I could still see the apprehension on their faces.
"God, Nelly . . . that was so hot!" I marveled. "Is this . .R. Ronnie?! You were blowing your brother . . .dude!" I said. I couldn't believe what was happening. Here I was in the room of my new best friend and he had just had sex with his 12 year old brother!
"L . .Look," I said, "I'm going back downstairs to get a soda or something.
That will give you two a chance to pull yourselves together. Come get me when it's safe." I turned to leave, but stopped. "Its okay Nellie, I won't tell anyone - I promise." I said with my back still to him.
"I went downstairs and found the kitchen and rummaged for a coke. I was leaning against the counter thinking about what this was going to mean to Nellie and me. This could ruin everything if I didn't convince him that I was shocked - but not mad. He had to be thinking I was going to hate him or rat on him - I mean . . . who wouldn't think the worst at a time like this.
"Soon enough Nelson came down and walked into the kitchen and grabbed a coke from the fridge. You could feel the tension in the air. I had to do something. I put my empty can down on the counter and walked over to Nellie. I put both hands on his shoulders and made him turn to face me. He wouldn't look me in the eyes, he had his head down. I took the soda from his hand and lifted his face to meet mine. I could see the tears about to start at any moment.
"Nellie, I told you that I'm cool with this." I began. "I'm not that way . . .I mean . . . I'm not g . gay . . . or anything . . . but that doesn't mean I hate you because you are. I read somewhere that people are born gay or straight and nothing can really change that. I think it must be hard to figure out who or what you are - but once you do . . . there you have it.
"Tears were slowly dripping from his eyes as I looked straight into his face. I wasn't sure if I was convincing him. I had to take a chance - his friendship was so important to me, so I leaned forward and kissed him. Right on the lips - I kissed him. It wasn't a deep tongue passionate kiss - but a soft reassuring kind of a kiss. I pulled away from him and looked at him again. This time he believed me. I pulled him into a hug and he just stood there and cried into my chest for what seemed to be twenty minutes. I just held him and let him work it out."
Mike went silent after that and just stared past me as if in a trance. I was hard as a rock. This was way more information about Mike than I ever knew before. Sure we are close, and I love him deeply, but somehow you never get a chance to be this intimate with your brother. I shifted uncomfortably, adjusting my hard-on. Mike must've noticed because his gaze was directed toward my crotch. He blushed when he saw that I had noticed.
"What happened after that?" I questioned.
"Well," Mike continued, "I kept my promise and didn't let his sexual orientation alter our friendship. We were even closer in many ways I think."
"Did you two ever do anything . . .um . . . together?"
"No. I have slept over at his house several times, even slept in his bed, but he never has tried to do anything with me. We talk, sometimes he wants to hold my hand when we're alone - I let him. Every once in a while when I know he is especially lonely, I will hug him and hold him for a while. Actually, when I spend the night, we wake up and I am holding him in my arms. We sleep in our boxers though - no sex. Just friends."
"What about Ronnie?"
"What about him?"
"Well," I said, "Does he and Nelson still have sex? Did he ever try anything with you?" I really didn't want to know the answer to this. Somehow I was afraid of the answer. What if he and Nelson were a regular item? Could Ronnie ever love me and still be in love with his brother. (Now how was I going to be a fair judge of that? Here I was sitting in my brother's car and I knew that I loved him far more than just a brother. If he would let me I would jump his bones right here and now - yet I still felt strongly about Ronnie. This sex and love thing is just way too complicated for me. Why can't things just be simple?)
Mike was silent for a moment, choosing his words carefully. (I know he knew how I felt about Ronnie, and he obviously did not want to interfere with what we had developing). "Andy, I'm not sure about Nellie and Ronnie. I don't think they do it regularly - I'm not even sure how far they have gone with each other. I do know they love one another - just like you and I do."
"That is why I never tried to have sex with you, Andy. It gets way too complicated when you put sex in the mix. What we have is special and I don't want to screw that up. When I first started knowing you were (are) most likely gay - it was even harder not to want to come to you. I have jerked-off at night for months thinking about being with you."
"Mike," I said meekly.
"Yea, what Bud?"
"I have jerked off with you on my mind for a long time too. I mean . . . every morning when you strip and head for the shower -I can't get the image of you out of my mind until I blow a load under the blanket." I can't believe I just admitted that to my brother!
"Gee," he said, "I never knew you were thinking about me. . . I mean, I guessed you jacked when I was in the shower because I never hear you at night."
"That would be because I wait until you start before I do. I can always time myself with your breathing and we blow almost at the same time."
"Oh . . . that's too weird," he said, "I never knew."
Silence
I was relieved that Mike and Ronnie never . . . well . . you know. I still needed to know about what they talked about this morning though. He wasn't going to say until I forced him.
"What did you tell Ronnie to get him to come back for me this morning at school?" I urged.
"Well, Bud," Mike answered, "I'm afraid most of it you'll have to get from him." He saw my raised eyebrows and protestation about to come so he just kept plodding on. "I know it's not fair to you, but I promised him I would let him work it out with you."
I whined in protest.
"Andy," he insisted, "Don't ask me to betray a promise. I wouldn't do that to you - or anyone else I care about. I won't tell you." He watched me for a moment letting me understand how firm his resolution was. I decided that I would just have to corner Ronnie.
Once Mike saw the resignation in my eyes as I acquiesced to his will he said, "I can tell you what I didn't promise secrecy about!" I slugged him.
Mike grinned with the change of moods. "I knew he must've ran home. I mean, where else would he go? It was raining like crazy, he was embarrassed as hell, and he wanted to melt away into oblivion. Where better then your own bed? Right?" I nodded in agreement, ginning at his simplistic view.
"Anyways," he continued, "I drove over and found him just rounding the corner of his block. I pulled into the drive, but he didn't stop. He just ran right to the door, jerked it open and slammed it shut. I got out and ran up and knocked, but he wouldn't come to the door. I tried the handle - it was unlocked, so I just went in anyway. I went straight upstairs to Ronnie's room and knocked. He told me to go away. I opened his door and went in. He was standing in the middle of the room crying silently. Poor kid was just standing there sobbing. I made my way across the room and reached out to him. He didn't pull away or flinch, so I pulled him to me and held him and let him cry. He kept saying, "I ruined it," and, "It's over, all over!"
"See . . . Ronnie and I had talked a lot since Nelly and I got to be such good friends. He told me how much he liked you and how you turned him on. I guess he decided that if Nellie could trust me then he could as well. He would tell me how frustrated he got at you watching him from off court when he wanted so badly for you to give him some sign or signal that you might be interested in him.
"I would tell him that you would be cool about him if he would just approach you in a low pressure situation. I said that I knew you well enough to know that you would at least not judge him for his sexuality - I couldn't promise you could return his feelings, but I didn't think you would punch him out or anything.
"Andy," Mike directed his story more directly to me, "I kinda knew he would be at school this morning." He watched me for reaction, but by now my mind was far too numb to react . . . I remained stoic.
"So," he continued, "When I dropped you by the school, I hoped you two would find some sort of way to start talking. I gave you several minutes to be alone, then I thought I would just sorta "drop in" and break any ice if necessary. When I came into the locker room, I heard a noise and assumed it was you. By the time I got around to your end of the lockers and turned on your row - there you were! Man, you two were intense. I didn't know what to do. If I left you alone, there is no telling how far you would've gone. I was afraid someone else would come in and find you. And, by the way you were holding on to him - and obviously returning the embrace . . . I thought you guys had already figured things out. You gotta trust me on this Andy . . . I never would have intentionally embarrassed or hurt you - or Ronnie like that. I shouldn't have been so blockheaded . . . do you forgive me?"
Well now, this certainly was a turn of the table. I had put together a lot of this already - you know, about Mike already knowing Nelson and Ronnie - But this was way over the top. Right now I just didn't know how I felt about it all. I just wish Mike had told me about Ronnie earlier; maybe I could have been more prepared or something. But, a promise is a promise I suppose.
"Mike, you know I could never stay mad at you," I said softly. "I just wish I knew before we got all twisted up like that." I snickered at my own pun. "What do we do now?" I asked.
"Well," Mike offered, "I suppose we had better get home. I don't doubt that the school called Mom about us skipping class this afternoon, and I promised Dad I would get him this evening after work. We gotta go by the school and pick up Dad's car too."
I groaned at the reality of it all, but knew he was right. He patted me on the leg and turned to start the car. I adjusted my deflating hard-on and we set out for the school. The atmosphere was a bit more relaxed this time. We even managed a few good-humored jabs at each other being faggots. (Now, before you start - I know that gay jokes and making fun of someone's sexuality is like racial slurs - but Mike and I weren't threatened by each other, merely expressing our own comfort and confidence in each other's love and understanding. Having suffered through years of bigotry at the hands of un-caring idiots - I can tell you that I have never encouraged or participated in cruelty to others regarding their nature - never).
We got back to the school and Mike let me off at Dad's car. "Be sure to put gas in it this time!" Mike jabbed at me. I shot him the finger and climbed in behind the wheel.
I pulled up in the drive at home and sat in the car for a long while before heading in. I dreaded dealing with Mom and skipping school. I honestly had no idea if what I was going to say to her. We never cottoned to lying to each other around our house. Dad was big on the honesty factor; said that if we were always honest with one another, we could work through any problem. Skipping school was one thing - telling Mom and Dad that their youngest (and I suppose oldest) son is gay . . . well . . . that may be a bit too much honesty. I decided it was best to just play it by ear, and not give away anymore than I had too. I hoped they would understand, but I saw no reason to push the envelope. It was getting dark outside and cold as well, I took a deep breath and opened the door - might as well get this over with.
I went inside and there was Mom, sitting at the dinner table, drumming her fingers on the table. "Hey Mom," I said trying to falsely project an ambivalent tone. I walked up and kissed her quickly on the check. "What's for dinner?"
"Nice try," she scowled. "Are you going to explain the call I got from school today - or is your brother?"
I promised to explain Mom to you didn't I? Well, let's see. Mom is short - really short . . .5'-1" at best. Very petite. She doesn't work outside the house because she has Cerebral Palsy. Not wheel chair bound at home, but uses one when we go out. The doctors all told her while she was growing up and as a young lady that she could never have children. They said it would be too risky, and that if she ever did, her children would end up exactly like her - crippled for life. I think they wanted to sterilize her, but thank God her parents wouldn't allow it.
Her family always told her that she would never get married because no self-respecting man would marry a cripple girl. The schools back then wouldn't allow her to come to school because they had no way to deal with someone with special needs like hers'. When she was able to go, she had to got to special education and was treated like she had a mental handicap! Why are people so stupid? I mean, it was her legs that didn't work, not her mind! People are such idiots sometimes. She decided that she would take matters into her own hands. She learned to read by reading her Bible and studying her sisters' school books in the evenings. All things being told - Mom is very cool!
Mike and I help out a lot around the house, but she makes us do that so we can be independent and not have to have someone else take care of ourselves.
We have a "normal" parent/teenage relationship. We argue and she is a bit over bearing at times, but lots of love, trust, and respect. Mom always treated Mike and I like we were mature enough to make up our own minds and encouraged individuality. But, she insisted that we respect one another, and her and Dad. Looking back I see that Mike and I got our tolerance for others by watching how people treated her and her reaction to it all. She always maintained her own personal dignity and helped us to see the cruelty others often inflicted, encouraging us to be different. Some try to camouflage bigotry in the cloak of "helpfulness," but trust me, mean heartedness is mean heartedness no matter how it is wielded.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .(sorry, I always wanted to say that :p)
"Mom," I sighed, "Do we have to go into it now?"
"Well," she mused, "It's either now, or everyday for the next two weeks that you're grounded - your choice big guy!"
"Mommm!" I whined, "You haven't even heard what happened!"
"Andy," she said with a serious tone, "Do you think after I have heard what you have to say for yourself the punishment will be more . . .or less?" I hated when she made me choose my own punishment like that. I had much rather not deal with all of it.
"Okay, okay! Jeez, this is sooo unfair though . . . I was just trying to help a friend Mom!"
"And you couldn't help this friend out after school?" There goes that damned adult logic again.
"You win . . again . . .it's still damned unfair." I trailed off while sulking away. (Inside I was relieved that this was so simple. I would gladly exchange two weeks grounding for one more afternoon in Ronnie's arms again!)
"Watch that mouth young man!" She of course could hear any indiscretion uttered from a thousand paces. "Don't think you're too big for me to wash your mouth out again!"
"Mom, I'm not twelve anymore," I replied with deep sarcasm.
"All the more reason to control yourself."
Here she goes, this should take at least an hour - damn, and I'm hungry!
"If you can't control something so simple as your own tongue, what are you going to do when you face something really difficult? Life isn't simple, son. In fact life is hard. You are at an age when you are going to have to make some life choices. There are serious matters on the horizon and you will need every discipline possible to get through them intact.
"Now, I don't know who your friend is that needed your help this morning. I'm proud that you have such loyalty that you took risks to help him - assuming here your friend is a guy - but Andy, you didn't use good judgment in HOW you chose to help him. Being and adult, and making wise choices requires more than just doing what you want, or what pleases you. You have to look at the big picture and stay true to yourself." She stopped to let this all soak in for a moment.
"Mom," I said, "This is all a bit heavy for me right now. I know you are right, but it's all more than I can deal with right now."
"I know honey," she said as she pulled me into a motherly embrace. "You want to talk about it?" she asked with sincerity.
"I don't know how Mom," I said with true frustration. "I am just so confused right now, and I don't know how to say it all. I don't even know how you and Dad will act or what you'll say and do if you heard what all is going on in my head right now."
There was silence for a moment as she stroked my hair and contemplated what I had said. "Honey, I don't know what it is that has you so upset, I guess it has something to do with your friend . . ."
"Ronnie." Ugg . . . why can't I just keep my mouth shut sometimes?!
"What ever it is between you and this Ronnie, just know that your father and I are on your side. We care about you and your happiness. Life is way too difficult to face alone. Jim (my Dad) and I won't always agree with your choices Andy, but we will always - AWAYS love you.
"Son, you are going to make some wrong choices over the next few years that Dad and I won't be able to get you out of - you will have to work through them yourself. That's part of the deal. There will be a lot of right decisions, and some bad. The only way you will know the difference is how you feel about them in your heart. Some right choices for you . . . nobody will understand. Some may even call them wrong, because they don't understand your heart. You can't change that; don't even try. All you can do is stay true to yourself - and be happy.
"That's all Jim and I want for you boys - for you to be happy. You know we have told you that we don't care what you chose to "be" or "do" in life, only that you choose wisely so you can be happy." Sensing that she had gone far enough, Mom stopped and just held me for a few more moments.
I liked that about her. I could always count on Mom to know just what to do or say. That evening kneeling on the floor being rocked gently in Momma's arms was the warmest and safest I have ever felt in my entire life. I knew then that everything going so crazy in my head and heart would somehow work out okay. There is such power in love. Mom could have pushed me away, or damaged my heart in so many ways that afternoon, but she chose love. I know that I have read so many stories about mothers and fathers that have betrayed their sons at the moment in life when they were needed most. I cannot here express how thankful to God I am that He gave me my Mom and Dad.
They will most likely never read this story (not likely they are avid Nifty readers), but I have to say here anyway - Thanks Mom!
Mom kissed me warmly on the top of my head, my face comfortably buried in her bosom. She pulled me up and looked in my eyes. "I love you Andy."
Tears jumped from my eyes as I blinked rapidly in an attempt to retrieve them. I tried to say something, but could not manage it. I stood and turned to the doorway intent upon going to my room. I got to the door and turned back to Mom. She was humming a simple tune. I looked at her and knew this was the time.
(FUCK! SHIT! GODDAMMITTOHELL! Why do I do this to myself!!!!)
I drew in a breath pushing back the fear, "Mom . . .I . . . umm. I'm . . umm . . ."
"You're what baby?"
"Mom, I'm g . gay!"
"I know baby . . . I know!"
HOLY SHIT!
That's all for now. Sorry it took so long to write and submit this chapter. This was the hardest one yet. I hope each of you have the happiest of New Years, be safe! Thanks again for taking the time to read, hope you enjoy.
boyzheart@hotmail.com
-Andy