This is going to be a multi-chapter story of Samuel John Hewitt and her journey to becoming Samantha Jane Hewitt. Though I have episodes of dysphoria about being a male myself, I have never made a significant effort into transitioning aside from regular cross dressing and subtle make up. It is a regret for not having the courage to go through with it. But I have resigned myself to living as a naturally effeminate and submissive gay man who has a partner he loves very much. This story is a cathartic effort to live my feminine alternative path through Samantha and what could have been.
Obviously this story is completely fictional and no resemblance to actual people is intended. There are elements of my personal fetishes involved in this story. I have written several stories before regarding my fetish for turtlenecks and turtleneck sweaters as well as various styles of socks. I understand these are niche fetishes and I hope that, even if they aren't your thing, you will humor me and appreciate the story as a whole. Additionally, there are going to be elements of intentional pornographic homoeroticism and eroticism throughout the story. Naturally, if this does not appeal to you or is not legal for you to access by locality or age (18 and over!) please stop reading here.
I hope that you enjoy my story, dear reader, and I am open to feedback and criticism to improve as a writer. Positive feedback is always welcome! If you feel so inclined, please email me at: queerturtleneck@yahoo.com.
CHAPTER 1: Beginnings
The clinic was a small very modern building adjacent to the much larger hospital complex of Riverside Methodist, where I work. There were several practices in the building so finding Dr. Walton's office took a minute. Actually her practice was named Progressus Health Services, which was generic as possible. I meandered through the second floor till I saw the stylized blue and gold sign. Beneath the title were the names of the three psychiatrists that made up the group. Dr. Walter Smith, Dr. Ruth Moskowicz and, finally, Dr. Helen Walton.
This appointment was many years in the making, and here I was. And I was terrified. And, yet again, I had to pee.
I like to pee a little differently than most boys. Maybe almost all boys. I sit. I always have and my mother was at first annoyed by my refusal to stand to pee before she decided that my way was a lot less messy. My older brother teased me mercilessly. That was one of my first signs of my coming issues.
After peeing and washing my hands I gave myself a once over. As far as looks go, I'm nothing special, I think. At least, no one besides Mom or my aunts have said anything particular about me. I'm 24 years old and I haven't grown past 5'9 since I was fourteen, so I guess I'm about a tall as I'm going to get. I am a bit underweight, and I don't want to brag but I just cannot seem to get past 130 pounds no matter how much crap I eat. Mom has crazy metabolism as well. I don't mind it actually, being scrawny and skinny. Well, maybe thin and lithe is a better description I have some musculature, especially in my legs, from bike riding and hiking in the woods but my build is actually ideal for my imagined future life. And just to round out my looks, I have a an angular face, my nose is not quite big enough for my face. I wear my wavy medium length brown hair in a kind of pixie style, not very fashionable but kind of feminine to me and easy to manage. Contrasting my bland hair color are my eyes, which are green and I think my best feature. That or I think my smile. It's a little too easy for me to smile I think.
I'm wearing a simple red turtleneck, dark blue skinny jeans, red ribbed crew socks and my black low-top Converse sneakers. Underneath my clothes I am wearing a navy blue panty and bra set. Actually, aside from the jeans (men's, but skinny jeans have an feminine nature to them in my mind), and my shoes (which are unisex) all of my clothes I'm wearing today are women's. The turtleneck, my bra and panties, and my socks are from the women's section of the Old Navy website. The clear coat on my nails courtesy is of Wal-Mart. I chose not to wear makeup because I am not someone who likes attention one way or the other. I already feel pretty exposed wearing my turtleneck and clear coat as it is.
This pretty much summarizes my entire wardrobe actually. Well, most of it. I have a maroon Bohemian floral print dress which I absolutely love, a camel colored turtleneck sweater dress and two skirts (black and a khaki) as well as a pair of flats, Mary Janes and a pair of Chelsea boots, which are women's. I haven't yet found a pair of heels that I don't feel like are going to crush my toes. The remainder of my wardrobe, in the case of my suit and my biking and hiking clothes, are masculine and I'm looking forward to getting rid of those. I wear scrubs to work, which are pretty unisex, at least for my purposes right now.
I actually have several turtlenecks, they are my favorite item of clothing. In fact, turtlenecks are the reason that I'm here, if you were to narrow it down to one singular thing I guess. The had always been an object of fascination for me since I was little. For whatever reason I was always keenly aware of my classmates who wore turtlenecks and a lot of my favorite teachers wore turtlenecks regularly. Mom wore them for a while too before she had to dress much more formally for work. When I was a young teenager I would often cross dress when Mom and my sister weren't home. Patty never had that many turtlenecks, but I fit into her pants and skirts better and I would take Mom's turtlenecks, hosiery or socks and walk around the upstairs of the house for half an hour before extreme guilt and terror of getting caught would overcome me. Then I would do my best to stash my, well, mom's and sister's turtleneck, skirt, socks and underwear back where they belonged. It was an absolute miracle I never got caught.
Turtlenecks are I guess a totem of femininity for me. Of course I got incredible aroused wearing a turtleneck and women's cloths which leads to a very satisfying orgasm. At the start of it, my orgasm ended my dressing session. But as I got older, not much older, the sexual excitement of wearing women's turtlenecks, skirts or pants, socks and underwear gradually dipped to a feeling of contentment. Yes there was a rush when I dressed but it was more a rush of relief more than excitement. But for turtlenecks, there is a clear eroticism and probable fetish with them. I absolutely adore turtlenecks and they are something I wear every chance I get.
Turtlenecks are still quite a turn on for me, to be honest. I love the way they feel on me and how they look on others. I find turtlenecks incredibly attractive and, when I pleasure myself when I wear a turtleneck, the feeling of the collar and the femininity of the turtleneck gives me so much more satisfaction. Thinking about turtlenecks is enough to arouse me in a serious way. Perhaps its a fetish, but I love them so much and when I wear them, I feel so feminine and satisfied. Unless I'm aroused because then I feel incredible erotic.
Its those feelings, those yearnings for femininity and experiences that have brought me here today.
I put my hand on the handle of the door and I took a deep breath before opening it.
The reception of the office was small but actually quite nice. In the back corner were a pair of gray fabric wooden chairs with a tall plant in between them and a small round table with an assortment of magazines. Next to that was the curved wood paneled receptionist station with a young African American receptionist wearing a set of navy scrubs. According to the name plate on the sill of her station, her name was Melanie. I loved her hair.
"Good morning, can I help you," she asked as she stood up from her computer.
"Yeah, hi. I'm Sam Hewitt, I have an appointment with Dr. Walton."
"Oh, great, right on time. I'll let her know, if you don't mind taking a seat."
I sat down and put my black backpack on the floor next to me as Melanie got on the phone. I have to go to work not long after my appointment so I have my scrubs and my nursing shoes in there. I'm not a nurse, I'm a radiation therapist which is an awesome job.
"Come in, come in. You must be Sam. How are we today?"
Dr. Walton's soft and kind voice belied the fact that she was a rather tall woman. She was in her 50's but clearly kept herself in shape. She was rather attractive with her long brunette hair and stylish glasses. She wore a taupe turtleneck with a severe collar under her gray pinstriped pantsuit and black heels. Its hard for me not to notice outfits I like, especially those with turtlenecks.
I nodded and stepped into her office, which struck me as more of a living room than a clinical setting. Dr. Walton led me to a pair of opposing taupe colored arm chairs with a wood coffee table in between. Behind her chair was Dr. Watson's wood desk that was clutter free and only had an Apple laptop, closed, on top of it. Along the other wall, opposite the door was a sofa that matched the arm chairs. Photos of different landscapes and bucolic farm scenes accented her walls. It was both Spartan and welcoming in nature.
Dr. Walton sat on her chair and motioned me to sit. I clumsily shrugged off my black Jansport backpack and sat down, elbows on my knees and staring at the dirty white laces of my black Converse sneakers and the peeking red of my socks. The anxiety that had been tearing at me for the last two weeks since making this appointment was at its crescendo now, Not even the feeling of my red turtleneck collar brought me any comfort.
"Well Sam, what brings us together this morning?"
"I guess, well, you know. I want to be a woman. I have gender dysphoria" It was so strange to me how easily those words came out. After almost ten years of keeping my secret, what Gollum might call my Precious, I felt rather casual saying that to a person that I met less than two minutes ago.
She nodded and placed her fingertips on her brown turtleneck as she rested her elbow on the soft fabric of the arm of her chair. "Its important for you to say that, Sam, and it takes a lot of courage to accept that. Of course I am going to work with you. I'm not here to make you do anything, we're here to help see where you are Sam, and potentially where you want to go. And remember, I am not here to judge you in any way, shape or form. And nothing you say here leaves this room, okay? But, please keep in mind that, at the end of the day, I am a clinician so everything I do for you is in the best interest of your heath, including whether or not I can clinically diagnose you with gender dysphoria."
I nodded. "I'm just really glad you could see me."
Dr. Walton smiled and it felt genuine. "I'm glad to have you as a patient, Sam. I also want you to know that this is a journey Sam, one way or another. I don't want to sound discouraging at all, gender dysphoria is a rather rare condition, but an absolutely real one. But we have to keep our minds open to possibilities, okay?. This is our first step. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, and some may be a little uncomfortable for you. What I don't want is for you to give the answer you think I want, tying to rig the game if you will. That won't do you any good at all."
I nodded. "I understand."
"Good. Now, before we can start anything, tell me about yourself."
I was starting to feel more relaxed with Dr. Walton. There was just something about her that I had not experienced with anyone before. I guess the fact that she was there, relaxed in her chair, wanting to listen to me and knowing that I was in a place where I didn't have to worry about anyone finding out that I'm, well, me and what I'm doing made me want to talk. Like, genuinely talk. It didn't hurt that seeing her in a turtleneck made things even better.
"Well, I mean, I like, really don't like being a guy. I guess this started when I was thirteen or fourteen and I really started hating the way I look."
Dr. Walton nodded. "Explain that to me a little bit."
"Like, whenever I think about myself, I imagine myself feminine, like a woman and I always think about living as a woman whenever I think about the house I want to buy or going on vacation or whatever. And then I see myself in the mirror and I hate it."
"Is there anything specific about your body or more of a general distress when you think about your body?"
"It's kind of everything really. I mean, its from head to toe really. Like, I don't have a boy image problem, its hard to really explain but when I think about myself, I don't see it in the mirror. And now, uhm, now its getting to be more frustrating than ever."
Dr. Walton took notes on her pad. "I'm simply transcribing your words for review. Does this distress, this frustration, come in waves? Like are there times when you feel it more than others?"
I nodded. "Yes, like when I was in high school it happened pretty regularly but usually when I had time to think about it I guess. But I could kind of push aside for a while and whatever. I don't know but, and I don't know exactly when I but at least for this past year I just can't get over it."
Dr. Walton nodded again. "Do you cross dress, or have you?"
I nodded. "I mean, I'm working now so I have my own clothes. I uh, I dress when I get home after work and weekends when I'm home and stuff but I'm not dressing outside just yet, expect for something like this outfit. But, I started dressing when I was like, twelve or something like that. Like, mom's stuff or my sister's. About the same time I started wanting to be a girl."
"How much arousal do you get from dressing? Is it sexually exciting for you?"
I shook my head, and nodded at the same time. "It did at first, yeah. I mean, It was exciting but after a while it started to just feels good. Like, my turtleneck I'm and my socks are women's and, um, so is my underwear." I could feel myself redden as I talked about my dressing.
"You don't need to be embarrassed here Sam, this is perfectly normal behavior. So, your dressing is not causing you arousal at all anymore?"
Honesty Sam, honesty. "It does, like when I first get dressed but it goes away pretty quick. It's been that way for a long time now."
"And, aside from dressing, have you done anything to help mollify your feelings of dysphoria?"
"Um, my ears are pierced," I said, showing the holes in my ears. "But I don't wear earrings outside of my apartment. I also work with in a sterile environment and I think they'd get tangled up in my cap and my mask anyway. I guess I also don't want people to pay attention to that kind of thing with me. And I shave my body hair."
"Okay, and your hair is a bit styled as well. Is that clear coat on your nails? You did well painting them. Now, this is a direct question but it is important that answer honestly Sam. Are you attracted to men?"
I pondered the question for a moment. On a hidden file on my computer, even though I live on my own and have no reason to hide it, I have a large treasure trove of photos of turtlenecks. There are a fair number of men wearing turtlenecks and turtleneck sweaters. I don't know why I downloaded them but there was something about how they looked that turned me on, even though they were in the minority of photos I would invariably pause on them as I masturbated and sometimes I could cum more easily to pictures of turtleneck men than turtleneck women. Maybe that made me bisexual but I never had an experience with another guy before.
I shrugged my shoulders despite answering negatively. "I don't think so. I mean, I've only dated women and I don't look at guys that way."
Dr. Walton nodded. "I'm asking this, not to be difficult, but statistically speaking, effeminate homosexual men struggle with identity in that they perceive themselves to have to fit a feminine role in their relationships. Are you in a relationship now?"
That was an easy one. I dated Meghan, who was a cute red head and the only person in school that I really got along with. She was crazy smart and we really enjoyed each other's company. It was like a deep friendship with kissing and heavy petting. Our relationship ended with graduation as she got into Vanderbilt and I stayed in Cincinnati. She's going to graduate school this year and I found it quite funny that for a girl who was quite honestly religious in high school was president of the student atheist association.
I dated off and on in community college and here in Columbus but there was nothing serious. As much as I enjoy the physical company of women, it feels weird being in a boy's body and it's just so not right.
I shook my head. "No, I'm single. I mean, I've dated off and on and whatever but it feels really weird. Like, I, I don't know, but it doesn't feel right to be like I am now and be with someone."
Dr. Walton nodded, understandingly. "That is a very common experience with transgender folks. Speaking of that, have you mentioned any of this before to any friends or anyone?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Your the first. Yay," I said with a bit of sarcasm and waved my arms.
"Not to your family?*
"No."
"I see. Tell me more about yourself Sam. I notice you haven't corrected me with your name."
I smiled at that. "I guess that's the benefit of a name like Samuel. But I will change it to Samantha. But I like going by Sam, or Sammy if you want. My friends call me Sammy. Its who I've always been. But I guess that can be feminized to ending it with an `ie."
Dr. Walton laughed at that. "And your middle name, John?"
I laughed too, feeling so much tension leaving my body being able to talk about me in such a casual and yet genuine way. "Jane."
"Samantha Jane Hewitt," bemused Dr. Walton. "I like it, it fits you. So, tell me about yourself, Samantha. Not about your dysphoria, but a little biography please."
"I don't know if there is much to tell really. Um, I'm from Cincinnati but mom moved us to Lebanon when I was nine. Um, I have an older brother and an older sister. It was mostly just mom and us. My dad left when I was three or four, I don't remember."
"Are you in contact with him? Tell me about your siblings."
"No, I guess the last time I heard from him was when I was seven. Mom doesn't really talk about him and I know my brother really hates him. I think he lives in California or something. Tom's in the Navy, he works on submarines. He's eight years older than me and we were never that close. He's married and they live on Guam right now. My niece is two but I only got to see her when they came to visit after she was just born. Patty's two years older than me and still lives in Cincy. She's really close to Mom. She's going to seminary school right now."
"I see. Are you religious as well?"
I shook my head. "No, I'm not sure what I believe right now. Maybe I'm agnostic or maybe I'm an atheist. I used to be a Christian till I was fifteen or something. Mom's really Christian and Patty obviously. Tom's pretty religious too I think. I know his wife is."
"Has that caused much tension for you?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Sometimes. Patty and I went to a private Christian school so I didn't really advertise that I wasn't really into anymore. I mean, I got along with my classmates and I had a few friends but I'm really introverted. I think religion helped Mom a lot raising us, especially me and Patty, and she made us go to church and everything. But since I figured out that I'm trans, well, I'm pretty sure I'm trans, I stopped believing."
Dr. Walton nodded. "Well, those two don't necessarily go together but its fairly common. Tell me about your mother, and your relationship with her."
"I mean, Mom's great, really. But we're not close. Its not her fault I guess, she works a lot. She's a partner at Barnes Denig." That was the biggest public accounting firm in Ohio, a big deal for anyone to make partner, much less a single mother of three.
"I'm impressed. It is a very difficult thing for single parents to balance careers and their children. Especially for how far she's gone. Are you resentful of her?"
That was a tricky question, and I leaned back in the chair and looked a picture of a horse running on the wall next to me. As is my habit when I think hard about something, I fingered my red turtleneck collar for a few seconds. "I wouldn't say she balanced it," I said quietly and I felt myself starting to get emotional. I swallowed the lump that was growing in my throat down hard before I could continue. "She was at work a lot so Patty did most of the stuff around the house. And me too as I got older. I mean, I know she tried but I wish I felt like I could talk to her about everything. Or anything I guess. Patty and her are really close but I don't know, maybe I stepped away a little myself. I just feel like I have to walk on eggshells around her."
"Are you afraid of her reaction to your identity?"
I nodded. "I'm scared she's going to hate me."
Dr. Walton nodded. "This is a bridge you will have to cross. I'm not going to diagnose you this second, so please bear with me when I say this, Sam. If you are transgender, you will have to come out to her and your, and not too long after you start the process. You will be quite noticeably different rather quickly. Not just physically, either. Transition is a process of the whole person that will affect you emotionally much more than physically. And much sooner as well."
I nodded, and nervously fiddled with my turtleneck collar more. "I know, I know. I'm just really anxious about coming out."
Dr. Walton smiled gently and nodded in understanding. "You would very surprised about how family reacts. The key thing is keeping your expectations of instant acceptance realistic. I wish I could say everyone jumps for joy but the fact is they have to process just like you did. From what you've told me, you needed almost a decade to see someone like me. It will take time for some, longer for others. I've had several patients who are from very religious families having been eventually fully accepted for the woman they truly are. It does happen."
I nodded, but I had my doubts. "I guess."
I didn't quite get to finish before the hour ended. I told Dr. Walton that I was very much an introvert and that I loved biking or hiking through the woods and how much I liked living in southern rural Ohio where I could do lots of outdoorsy things. How I used to go fishing with my grandfather before he passed away and I want to get back into it. I also told her about my love of role playing video games and fantasy novels. I even mentioned my affliction with sometimes severe acid reflux which limits my diet considerably. She asked me about my high school life and I told her I was in the closet with everything. She meant my grades and my extra curriculars. I laughed and told her my grades were pretty good and I ran track but wasn't really into sports that much, though I love watching college football and I am a big Ohio State fan. We used to go to Reds games as a family when I was a kid but that stopped when I got to high school. Between balancing Patty's college and my high school schedules and worrying about Tom wherever he was, it was just too much for mom.
"I know our hour is finished, but I have to ask, Sam, why come to Columbus if you loved southern Ohio so much?"
"Um, I'm a radiation therapist and the pay here is really good, and my insurance is really good and will pay for a lot of stuff for my transition. I also needed a little distance to be me."
Dr. Walton nodded and smiled. "I can't argue with that. It was a pleasure to meet you Samantha, and I do look forward to seeing you again. You can make your appointment with Melanie now if you'd like."
"Thank you Dr. Walton," I said softly and I couldn't stop the tears this time. I wasn't crying, not like crying but the release of the pent up story that needed to be told to someone not named (from birth) Samuel John Hewitt.
I felt Dr. Walton's long thin arms embrace me as I let go. It took me a few minutes to gather myself and we relaxed our embrace. "I'm sorry, I just never told anyone anything before."
"You have done really well, Samantha. These are the most difficult sessions. But you have been very honest with me. Trust me, I can tell. Melanie is going to give you a questionnaire when you go. The sooner you fill it out, in detail, the sooner we can set you on your path."
Melanie clicked on her computer a few times to Dr. Walton's calendar. "Okay, we can see you in two weeks, if that's okay?"
I nodded and pulled my phone out of my backpack to go into my own calendar to double-check. "Can it be in the morning again? I work the 12 to midnight shift."
"Okay, then we can do Wedneday at 9:30."
"Can you make the appointment for Samantha, not Sam?"
Melanie looked at me for a second and then gave me a wink. "Samantha Hewitt, 9:30."
"Thank you:" There was a rush of, well, the best work I can use is power. A rush of power flashed through my body as I referred to myself to my proper name and had two people use my name with sincerity. It was amazing!
The questionnaire was a lot more involved than I initially thought it would be. I thought I'd be able to quickly run through it during my break at work but that was not to be. It was not a check the box, multiple choice, I had to write out my answers. When I was in community college I was told by the instructors that if the test has four lines for an answer, you'd better write out four lines. And so I did. It took a few days of me sitting at my table, wearing a turtleneck, bra and panties set, a skirt and my women's socks and usually a glass of wine to complete the answers. I was honest and I was mindful not to embellish anything because I was pretty sure Dr. Walton could tell if I was trying to pass of BS or not. I sent her my answers on Sunday.
I kept things quiet at work of course. I knew this would have to be the first place to come out as transgender but I didn't want to say anything in case Dr. Walton told me I was just a femme gay boy who likes to wear girly clothes. I was actually quite worried about that. I had read a lot about dysphoria and the symptoms of course. I also read that some men who had similar experiences only to find out that they were actually homosexual. I guess if it turned out that I was actually gay it might help me understand myself better but I don't think I am.
A week and a half is a long time to wait in anxiety. I drove Mom and especially Patty out of their minds when I was waiting to hear back from the different hospitals I had applied to, wondering if I was going to get a call back. It took three days to get my first job offer.
I finally walked back into Dr. Walton's office, about 30 minutes early. When I get excited about being somewhere, I always end up being stupid early. I don't know why, being there doesn't make the airplane take off any faster or, this case, the doctor to see you that much sooner.
I wore a green turtleneck, a pair of brown plaid pants, white slouch socks and my pair of black Mary Janes. I absolutely love slouch socks and I wear them quite often at home. Additionally I wore simple silver studs in my ears, a simple gold bangle on my wrist and a chain necklace with a heart pendent that hung from the top of my turtleneck collar. For makeup, its my usual light foundation, mascara, eyeliner and a neutral lipstick. I usually paint my nails if I'm staying in for the weekend but I applied clearcoat again for my visit today. I think I might be able to keep it on for the rest of the day, since I can wear latex gloves a lot of the time at work and it is a little more inconsipicous than I think it is. At least I hope so!
This was the very first time I have ever been outside my apartment dressed en femme. Of course there was the sexual rush of putting on my turtleneck and my slouch socks. A little effort of self-pleasure takes care of the urgency of that and then it feels absolutely natural to dress like this. I can freely admit that there is a sensuality and a tinge of eroticism that comes with wearing my women's clothes, particularly my turtlenecks, but that was just part of my sexuality. I love the feeling so much.
I thought I was supposed to be much more nervous than I felt, even though I left my apartment wearing a long raincoat, my Nikes and made a fast dash to my car so that no one would notice the fact that I'm wearing women's clothes. My backpack has my work clothes and, honestly, I'm not looking forward to cleaning up and going back into boy mode today. It felt so good to be wearing my real clothes. I just wish the rest of me followed suit!
"Hi Samantha, Dr. Walton will be with you a little bit," said Melanie as I signed in. "I love your outfit," she said with a smile.
I blushed, not knowing really how to answer aside from a rather lame, "Thanks."
I sat into the chair with my legs crossed and waited. I am good at waiting. It's kind of a big part of my job. I usually sit there, imagining how I'm going to look when I transition, how I'm going to grow my hair out and thinking about going shopping for more clothes, shoes and makeup. My wardrobe could use a little work. Well, a lot of work. But, like Dr. Walton said, this is a journey. I'm just really excited to dump all of my boy clothes at the Goodwill and have a 100% feminine closet and dresser. I don't know why, but I had a sudden urge to say a little prayer of hope.
"Samantha?" Dr. Walton's soft voice floated in as I was lost in my thoughts. "Hi Samantha, come in, please."
She's using my actual name, that has to be a good sign!
Dr. Walton was wearing a gray suit with a navy shirt underneath. She is a very chic dresser. My style I'm imagining, and the reality of my current wardrobe, is turtleneck casual. I can't see myself wearing extremely stylish or sexy clothes.
"So, how have things been for you? I love your outfit, its quite fitting for you," she said, smiling at me as she pulled her chair closer and set her clipboard on her lap.
"Thank you. I guess I just kind of wanted to show you how I like to dress. I've been a little nervous actually about our appointment."
Dr. Walton nodded and asked, "How does it feel to be dressed like you are?"
I smiled, a genuine smile. "I really feel like Samantha."
Dr. Walton smiled and told me that I looked much more like Samantha today. It would be very difficult to explain the swelling of emotion those words made me feel, and it was such a magical experience for me. I know I don't pass but I just knew she was going to tell me that I am indeed transgender.
"So Samantha, tell me about your penis." Apparently not yet, I guess.
I had laugh at the question though. It was ridiculous but I know why she had to ask. I answered honestly, and similarly to the question on the form she gave me. "I mean, its how I pee and whatever. I'm a little nervous about what hormones will do because, I mean, I don't know, what if I meet someone? It's not that I don't like sex, I do. But I guess I don't really think about it too much. I really wouldn't mind it not just, you know, doing its thing whenever it wants to. But I'm not entirely sure about SRS yet."
"Okay, Samantha, let's put the brakes on that for the moment. It's not necessary for gender confirmation for you to have gender affirming surgery. That is something you will need to think about at length because it is a very instense and traumatic procedure on the body. It's an enormous decision. However, its not uncommon for transgender women to keep their sexual organs intact and there are ways to mitigate some loss of libido. However this is fairly significant difference between men and women. Our sexuality, and I'm not referring to homo or heterosexuality, but women's sexuality is different. I've found that the patients I've worked with by and large have a much more satisfying and enjoyable sex life after transition because it matches who they are. But feeling anxious about the process is perfectly normal."
I nodded. "So, am I transgender?"
Dr. Walton nodded and said, "Yes, in my clinical judgement you are, Samantha. I really enjoyed reading your answers. You put a lot of thought and I appreciate your struggles and your journey. Now, I need to talk to about your next steps."
That was it, I felt foolish and silly but I couldn't help but to weep a little. Dr. Walton was seemingly prepared because a tissue appeared out of nowhere and I took a moment to try and collect myself. My voice was still shaky as I muttered simple but unbelievably heartfelt, "Thank you."
"You are who you are Samantha. Melanie will set you up with the paperwork but I am referring you to Dr. Sarah Rogers. She's an endocrinologist that I work with and she is excellent. She will get you started with your hormone therapy. She will go over the specifics of what you should expect from the HRT, but I can say be ready for a pretty intense emotional journey until your hormones are settled and I am here for you during that phase of your transition. But I have to tell you that Dr. Rogers won't start her treatments until you've come out to people you interact with regularly."
I nodded in understanding. "I think I'm ready to tell, now that its official."
Dr. Walton nodded. "Good. The sooner you do, Samantha, believe me, the better things will be. Just be sure to temper you expectations that everyone will be immidiately accepting. But, if you are patient and as you progress through your transition, you will find yourself being seen more and more as a woman."
"Thank you, Dr. Walton, I understand."
I didn't wait at all. I changed from my turtleneck, pants, slouch and Mary Janes into my navy scrubs and sneakers when I got to the parking lot at work. Although I usually don't wear my women's socks, white slouch socks are pretty incognito with scrubs. Bras and panties are typical for me to wear because who's going to notice? I wear a T-shirt under my scrubs so you can't see the outline.