On Sunday I decided to stay home and dream about Ben... Scott wanted to go get high, but I had to turn him down. On my rush off to school the next morning, my mom came to the front door to see me off. Monday's I had an early morning meeting for National Honor Society so Scott and I take separate cars. When I was almost to my car, my mom called out to me, "Jeff, you dropped this!" She held up an envelope that I didn't recognize.
"That's not mine, mom."
"Well it has your name on the outside of it, it must've been stuck in the door and fell when you left."
Yikes! That could be anything! I ran back and grabbed the envelope and stuffed it into my backpack and raced off to school. The NHS meeting was a rather boring, endless discussion of everything other than the only thing I was interested in -- my bed. By fourth hour I woke up, or rather, had a rude awakening when my teacher reminded me of my assignment.
"Jeff, you know what I just remembered? I haven't seen your rough draft of your editorial for next issue."
"My what?"
"Remember, this is your week to do an editorial. Oh no, don't tell me you haven't started yet!"
"No, no I've started. I've been working on it at home... I'll bring in my disk tomorrow."
"That'll be pushing it! It goes to print on Wednesday, remember? You'll need the final draft tomorrow. What did you choose to do it on?"
"Um, it's about ... uh, highschool..." I was planning on finishing the sentence, but my teacher didn't realize that.
"Oh, like a retrospective? All the things you've learned, the things you wish you'd done, or didn't do? To give some insight into the underclassmen?"
"Um, yeah! Exactly!"
"Great! I'll be excited to read that!"
Hehe, yeah! So will I! I sat at my table and opened my book bag to get a notebook so I could start working on my story and the envelope fell out. I had completely forgotten about it! I checked to make sure no one was watching and I removed the letter from inside. It read:
"We've had some rough times lately but the truth is I've realized that I love you. That I'm in love with you. Everything was going great... I know I've over-reacted and I don't know what to do to correct my mistakes. I'm worried about being hurt by you. I need you to make the next move, to let me know you want to give this a try. Love, your obvious admirer."
Wow! This is wonderful!! I felt as though I'd just placed down some key pieces in the puzzle of my life! I felt alive!
"Mrs. Draper, could I have a pass to the locker room?"
"Sure, Jeff." She scribbled out a hall pass and I gathered my books and was on my way. Outside the locker room doors, I paced excitedly, anticipating the bell. The chime sounded and the hallways became flooded with people.
Scott appeared out of the sea of faces, he smiled shyly and came over to me. "Why are you down here?" He smiled uncontrollably.
"Not now, Scott, I'm waiting for Ben!"
His smile vanished, "Are you doing another story on him?"
"No, he told me he loves me."
He took a deep breath while he processed. "But I love you."
"Yeah, well I love you too. But that's not what I'm talking about," I lowered my voice. "Ben's in love with me. It's different. You're just talking about a brotherly love, right? Oh, there he is!"
"Wait, Jeff!! Don't!"
"Just a sec, Scott. I'll be right back!" Frightened, I approached Ben. His head lifted an a look of confusion crossed his face, he seemed reluctant to continue walking. Maybe he was just as nervous as me! That's so cute!
I was now close enough to talk but before I could open my mouth, he said, "Whatever you're about to say, DON'T!"
"But Ben, I just needed to tell you I feel the same."
"Stop, now!"
"Ben, what's wrong? What about your note?"
Ben raised his voice louder than I had ever heard, "Get away from me you fuckin' fag!"
I felt as though I'd been slapped across the face. Every person in the hallway froze and turned to watch us. I looked around and saw Scott shaking his head in disbelief and gritting his teeth. He turned away, as though it were physically painful to watch.
"But, Ben..."
"I've had enough of this shit! Leave me the hell alone and stop trying to seduce me! Do you need me to make it any clearer?"
I kept my voice low, intended only for him "No, I think everyone's got it now."
His face got even more red, "Now get out of my way!" His arms forcefully shot toward me, knocking me to the ground. I heard snickering among the throng. The sea parted and Ben walked through the opening and disappeared into a stair well.
That's when it started.
The whispering.
What started as a drip turned into a turbulent river. Like rushing water, it grew steadily until I felt as though I could see a tidal wave about to hit the shore. I didn't need to hear what they were saying. I could see it in their eyes as they laughed as they passed by my spot on the floor. People were moving again, some people were actually running to other hallways to make sure that everyone could hear the big news. My ears were filled with a dull ringing. Lauri passed by me, looked down and with a snear on her face, snorted "You're pathetic."
I felt myself being lifted from behind. Images of being held down by a brute squad raced through my head, I shrugged off the hands and spun to see it was Scott attempting to pull me to my feet. A wave of comfort rushed over me and I reached up and took his hand to get myself back up. I muttered a quiet "thanks" and rushed off to a stairwell to get away. I had no planned direction that I was running, I only knew I wanted to get away from there.
Why did Ben do that? No one had heard anything I had said to him, and even if they had, nothing was incriminating? So, if Ben didn't write the note... who did? Dave! Of course!
Not knowing where else to go, I found myself in the counseling offices. I'd only ever talked to my counselor, Ms. Pritchett, for the standard "future planning" sessions... but she had a PFLAG sticker in the window of her door (along with all the other counselors) so she would know what to do, right?
She looked up from her desk. Her eyes seemed lifeless. Her nose was thin and pointed, folds of skin hung off the edges of her jaw. She must've sensed my panic, "What's wrong, John?"
"Uh, my name's Jeff and I need you to sign me out of the building." If you didn't go to a closed-campus school, then you may not be familiar with the need I had for a teacher or administrator to sign me out of the building. Security was fairly tight and leaving the building without authorization was punishable with In-School Suspension (ISS).
"Why what seems to be the problem?"
"I don't have anything that seems to be a problem, I have a real problem, a HUGE problem!"
"Well, John, just tell me what it is. I'm sure it's not as big as you're making it out to be."
"I'm gay." My own words took me by surprise! They just popped out and now that they were out there, and I wished I could take them back. I hadn't just walked up to anyone and blurted that out before. "And the whole school just found out."
"I'm sure it wasn't the whole school..."
"I can't face them."
She seemed to have almost an eerie excitement, like she'd been preparing for this moment through classes and pamphlets and was finally being able to exercise her training. "Oh, John... our school will probably surprise you with just how accepting it can be. Running away from your fears won't do you any good! You're going to have to face them sooner or later, you should just go out there and tell anyone who asks that they are right. That you are gay. Be proud!"
I started laughing. "First of all, it's not called being gay' in this school, it's called being a fag.' Secondly, can I use your phone?"
She seemed a little confused, but held out the receiver. "Why? Who do you need to call?"
"An ambulance! So they can be ready and waiting to carry away my bloody and mutilated corpse."
She sighed and put the phone back in the base. "I think you're being a little overly-dramatic. I guess I just have much more faith in the students than you do. You just have to show them that their words can't hurt you."
"It's not their words I'm worried about!"
"If you stand proud, they can't make fun."
I waved my hand in front of her face, "Are we talking about the same school here? I haven't jumped into some ideal alternate universe full of accepting peers... have I? Are you even listening to me? I didn't just confess that I have a pimple and I'm worried about being called `zit face.' I said I'm gay!"
Her lips pursed tightly together and her thin eyebrows pulled snugly over her deeply pitted eyes. "Well, John, you can't say say I didn't try to help you. You have to meet me halfway you know."
"What?? Spouting off some overly-optimistic bullshit rhetoric that you memorized from some naive and idealistic brochure, telling me that our student body is warm, loving and accepting as long as I have pride? Pride in something that's ruining my entire life! Where the HELL do you get off thinking that's supposed to help me??"
"Well John, it sounds like you weren't raised properly if you could talk to anyone that way! You need to leave my office or I'll write you up!"
"I'll be glad to get out of here!" I stood and stormed out of her office. Once outside, I paused and stuck my head back around the corner and growled, "And my name is JEFF!"
As I walked away from the counseling center, I realized that she had helped me in a way. At least for now I had another emotion other than fear and depression... Anger!
I had to get out of this building! I don't care if I get In-House! I snuck through some back hallways and stairwells that I'd come to find throughout the years. I found my way to the stage and snuck through the towering black curtains as I overheard the drama class seated in the orchestra pit. I slowly opened a door that lead directly outside. Since few students knew about it, so security didn't see it as a regular 'passage to freedom' and my escape was easy. The metal door swung shut behind me and I was standing behind a dumpster. I was no longer Jeff-the-gay-highschooler. I was now on a secret escape route from a maximum security prison... which come to think of it, wasn't too far off! I lurked along cars, keeping hunched over to be less visible. My car was only two rows away now. I looked around and made a run for it! When I was one row away a security guard at the main entrance yelled out, "Hey you! Stop!" I felt as though the search light had just caught me in my escape. There was no turning back now! Sirens were sounding in my head, I could hear a dog barking (Which I actually wasn't dreaming! But it was just a neighbor dog.) I fumbled frantically for my keys. The security guard jogged (and jiggled) his way closer, but still 4 or 5 rows away. My keys dropped to the ground, I quickly snatched them up and unlocked the door. The burly man approacheth! He was holding a walkie-talkie to his mouth, calling for reinforcements I presume! I turned the ignition and my car whined and whirred but would not start.
I yelled out, "Please God! Help me!" and turned the key again. My engine started up instantly and I squeeled out of my space.
Less than ten feet away from my rear bumper, he yelled again, "Stop right there!"
White smoke poured out of my rear wheel wells as I took off. To accentuate my victory, I rolled my window and held out my middle finger the entire way out of the lot. I'll be a dead man tomorrow, but for today I'm free.
When I got home, I explained the whole situation to my mom who seemed to be on parental overload. She held me and whispered, "It's alright, everything will work out."
We watched some soaps together until she had to go run some errands. Not long after she left, the doorbell rang. I hopped up to answer it.
I opened the door to a thin, pretty girl with dark dread locks and a happy face. She had on a faded maroon tee-shirt and ratty blue jeans. "Can I help you?" I asked in a daze.
"Yeah, I live here... I mean, I do starting today."
"Oh! Angee, right? I'm Jeff."
Her voice was full of spunk, "Glad to meet you. Do you think you could help me with my boxes?"
"Sure!" We walked out to her car. I half-laughed, it was a shiny red VW bus with a large tire on the front. "I like your car!"
"Thanks! You should've seen it when I bought it. It was a heap of junk."
So, what is it now? "You've done some excellent work."
"My ex-boyfriend did it. But thanks." She slid open the side door and handed me an open-topped box full of nick-knacks and then grabbed one for herself. We took them to the basement in silence and on the way back out to the car she said, "Oh, honey, your aura is all messed up! What happened to you today?"
I was dumbfounded, "Nothing..."
"Oh, Jeff." She paused, "Lies are not a good way to start our friendship. Lying is never good. What happened, did your boyfriend break up with you?"
"Don't you mean my girlfriend?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I always mix those up!" She flashed me a look that said otherwise. "Well, at least tell me why you're home on a school day. You're obviously not sick."
"I... uh... it's because..."
"Oh, don't tell me if you don't want to! You sure are a cutie, you know that?"
"Hehe, no actually, I didn't. But thanks."
"Your girlfriend never tells you that?"
"I don't have a girlfriend."
"What about a boyfriend?"
I nervously attempted my response as normally as I thought the question should be answered, "Nope."
"So, no one's ever told you that you're buff and strong... and can carry this really heavy box that almost killed me earlier?" She slid a box to the edge of the van's floor.
"Manipulation by flattery isn't a good way to start a relationship either. But I'm not saying it doesn't work though." I grinned and lifted the very large, very heavy box.
"Hey, you're the one who started playing the games. So, don't you think I'm beautiful? You missed your opportunity to compliment me." She smiled jokingly.
"Oh, sorry. I'm just a little..."
"Preoccupied? Dear, your face alone tells me all that!" She pulled another box from her van. "Jeffy, do you believe in Fate?"
"That something controls our lives and doesn't allow us to alter it? No."
"No, Jeff. Fate as in the force that works to have everyone's dreams realized."
"You mean God?"
"God, Fate, the collective mind... it's basically all the same thing, just different slants to it. It was the Force that Luke used to defeat the Dark Side. It's all that's good and beautiful. Love. Peace. Harmony."
"You're not going to break out in song, are you?"
She laughed, "No... have you ever been in love, Jeffy?"
"Five minutes of knowing you and we've already talked about God and now you're moving into my love life..."
"Answer the question..."
"Yeah, I think I have."
"If you have to think about it, then you haven't."
We walked inside and took the stuff to her room. "I have this friend, a girl, that I really like. That I think I'm in love with. She's the first girl I ever fell in love with back in third grade."
"And how does this person feel about you?"
"I'd like to think they love me too, but after years and years of wishing and hoping I think my view has become clouded and I see only what I want, not what's really there. Fantasy is almost more comfortable than reality. I'm not sure I know how to live in reality."
With a tinge of sarcasm she responded, "Yeah, and you wouldn't want to put your heart on the line because it could get smashed and fantasy land wouldn't exist."
"It's easier to have a crush when you know for certain that they don't think of you romantically. That way I'm not constantly asking `what if she meant it this way or that way.' I know how to take things. But then, you start thinking you see the signals that they like you...but I may just be fooling myself. Ugh! It's so frustrating!"
"Yes, it is easier to just sit on the beach under a nice, big umbrella than to go out and build a sand castle. But, Jeff, sand castles are the greatest! And they're so much fun to build!"
"But the tide could come in and wreck it!"
"But living with that possibility makes you appreciate every second the waves aren't tearing it down. That's the risk you live with. That's the danger. That's part of what makes it so exciting!"
We walked back out to her van. "So, you're saying I should risk my friendship and tell this person how I feel?"
"What if you are NOT misreading the signals. By keeping quiet, you'd be passing up the best relationship you may ever have!"
"But I keep a friend."
Angee sighed loudly. "If they really are you friend, you can be honest with them and it shouldn't shake things up that much." She pulled out another box, "Here, this is a very important box. Don't drop it!"
"Why, what's in it?" I smiled with curiosity.
She grinned broadly, "My liquor collection."
My eyebrows raised in interest. "Oh?"
"Is your mom home?" I enthusiastically shook my head 'no.'
We finished moving her stuff into her room and while chatting about college life. We were able to get her room to show some of her personality; from the incense dish to the large tapestries we hung on the walls. The doorbell rang and I bounded up from her bean-bag chair and ran upstairs.
"James! What are you doing here?"
"Weren't you going to help me with my math?"
"Oh yeah... but are you sure you want to consort with someone with my reputation?"
"Passing math is much more important than letting rumors tell me who my friends can be."
"But, even if they aren't just rumors?"
James squinted his eyes and pulled back a bit. "You don't really remember me, do you?"
Thinking he was joking I responded, "What are you talking about? Of course I know who you are!"
"Ok, when did we first meet?"
"Easy, sophomore gym class."
"Nope."
"Were you in my freshman study hall?"
"Nope. I moved here my sophomore year. Think back farther."
"James, If you moved here your sophomore year and I've already said that, how can I go back any more?"
"Gradeschool."
"You went to my gradeschool? There wasn't anyone named James in my grade level."
"Picture me shorter, skinnier, with a bowl cut and call me Jimmy."
"Slim Jim? No way!"
"You got it!"
"You moved away half-way through 5th grade."
"Yeah, and I moved back my sophomore year after a few growth spurts, some weight training and going by the more mature sounding `James.'"
"We were really good friends from 1st to 3rd grade. Oh, I'm not so sure `James' sounds more mature."
"We were best friends until you ditched me for Scott." He was smiling, I only hoped that means he's not bitter.
"I don't remember ditching you! We were still friends!"
"But you didn't invite me over anymore. We weren't best friends after Scott."
"Man, I'm sorry..."
"No no, don't worry about it. With all the extra free time, I was able to shoot hoops a lot, so really it's because of you I'm as good as I am. Anyway, I'm not trying to give you a guilt trip... the reason I brought it up is because that's the reason why I wasn't really shocked about the rumors today."
"What does that mean?"
"You don't remember the forts we used to build? The stuff you always liked to do in them?"
It all came rushing back to me. The elaborate forts built with blankets, plywood and saw horses. We'd climb into them and my inhibitions would go away. One day I boldly proposed that we show each other our cocks, just as most boys do. I had been fascinated in seeing another boy's cock in person, right in front of me. The next time I had worked up the nerve to ask if I could touch it, he let me. His pubic patch had been completely bare and as I fondled him it grew plump and filled me with intrigue. Sometimes we'd wrestle in the forts and I'd get myself on top of him and grind into him, both of our hard little cocks pressed against each other with only our underpants and shorts separating us. After a few moments of silence I spoke, "Oh God... so does that mean that you wrote the note?"
"What note?"
"Forget it. So are you..."
"Gay? No, I'm not. At least I'm not right now. But I'm not going to rule anything out."
"Whoa! You're far too open-minded to be a high schooler!" I replayed his last sentence in my head again and bit my lip. "So, did you want to build a fort?"
James laughed, "No, that's ok. I'm really only here for your help with math. Besides, wouldn't that be cheating on Scott?"
"Why does everyone seem to think Scott and I are dating?! His friendship with me is going to end up ruining his reputation."
There was an awkward silence before James finally spoke. "Well, anyway... should we get started on algebra?" We worked for a while and he'd shown remarkable improvement since our last discussion.
"James, you've been studying a lot, haven't you!"
"Not really. I was hoping you'd notice how much better I am. Remember what you were saying about how each of us has unlimited ability and all I have to do is realize that I can learn anything and then I can?"
"Yeah... that's all you did?"
"Yep. That's it! At first, it was still hard but once I got used to thinking differently, I was able to understand it and it's actually much simpler than I was making it out to be... I was totally shocked. Things just started to click and I began to see the reasons behind the theorems and postulates and stuff... it actually makes sense!"
"That's great! Wow... geesh! I'm totally blown away..."
He seemed confused, "Why? You're the one who told me it was possible."
"Well, it was always just kind of a philosophy of mine and I never fully tested it out... But you are living proof that it works."
"You never tested it?"
"Well, no... it's hard to totally put faith into a belief that you developed yourself. And the stuff I told you only works if you have total faith in it. I tried to remain objective and a skeptic... which prevented me from fully trying it out."
"That's really weird. I'm just mad that no one ever told me about this before my senior year... think of all the stuff I'd know!" He sighed, "You know what else is weird... this whole time, since sophomore gym class, I thought you always had such an attitude."
"What? I was probably the most shy person there!"
"But that's not the way I saw it. You never talked to anyone, if anyone tried to make friends with you, you were the biggest jerk to them!"
"What? The way I remember it was that people would come up to me and tease me and I didn't like it and would walk away to avoid confrontation. I remember that you teased me quite a bit."
He seemed slightly defensive. "I guess you were just too sensitive... I was only trying to start a friendly conversation. I thought you knew who I was and you were just being a jerk."
"So we both thought the other person was the jerk and assumed that we were interpreting the situation right, thinking that the other person was attacking... That's the problem of low self-esteem. You think everyone is out to get you and will interpret things to fit that expectation."
"You sure do like wordy explanations! I would've just said that we were stupid, and hopefully we've learned since then. It's kinda sad. We could've been friends this whole time."
Angee flew up the stairs. James' head turned quickly to see her disappear into the kitchen. His eyes lit up, "Who was that?"
She called out through the doorway, "I'm his girlfriend." She poked her head around the corner and smiled. "My name is Delila and that brut in there was just about to make the sweetest love of his life with me until you showed up."
James laughed, "No, really, who are you?"
She walked into the room and held out her hand for him to shake. "I'm Angee, who are you?"
I answered the question James was really asking, "She's renting out the basement room, starting today. Angee, this is James."
They shook hands and he turned to me, "She's already this comfortable on the first day? She'll be walking around naked before the week is over!"
She scoffed. "James, that's not very nice to say! It won't take me a week to get to that point! I was just about to get naked..." As she walked past me back to the kitchen she ran her fingers through my hair and asked, "Did you guys want some electric lemonade?" She reappeared holding some glasses and a jug of lemonade.
James asked the obvious question. "What makes it electric?"
"Lots of citrus vodka."
James smiled. "You know, that sounds interesting... but I don't drink. I need to get going anyway..."
She responded quickly, "Oh, no pressure. You don't need to drink, you can stay."
"Oh! No! I wasn't making an excuse, I really do have to get quite a bit done."
She poured a glass and took a sip, "Woah! I think I made it too strong!"
James packed up his books and Angee poured a glass for me.
I smirked, "Are you sure you have to leave? I was hoping all three of us could build a fort..."
Angee seemed confused, James chucked. "Maybe some other time, I appreciate the offer though, buddy." He gave me a playful slug in my arm and shook his head.
I took a quick gulp of my face-scrunchingly-strong lemonade. I walked him to the front door and once we were out of earshot, he whispered, "You're one lucky shit." He nodded towards Angee.
I smiled, "Yeah, if only I were straight."
-- http://gts.netwhizz.nu/