I'd like to thank everyone who has sent feedback, I appreciate it more than I can say. A million "thank you"s have to go to Wen for editing for me, thanks for volunteering. Dana I'm glad you have decided you like Slash even if you can't figure out why. I've only given you a million and a half reasons. Thanks to everyone on "The List" (you know who you are) and the [nsyncslash] list. Without you this story wouldn't be a reality. Finally, must give my praise to all of the authors on Nifty, the abundance of talent is staggering. I hope the boys know how much they are appreciated :)
~T.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, loosely based on the members of *NSYNC. This story is not meant to imply the sexuality of the members of *NSYNC or that they would say or do any of the things mentioned. This story will contain explicit homosexual content. If it is illegal for you to read fiction of this type please stop reading now. This story is copyright 2000 T. Marie. Comments, suggestions, feedback... may be sent c/o ficklepickle76@hotmail.com
Searching For The Light (c) 2000 T. Marie
Chapter 3
JC woke up in his bed, clad only in his boxers and briefly wondered how he'd gotten there. The last thing he remembered was watching the movie curled up with a pillow on the couch next to Justin. Justin must have helped me to bed., he thought. He walked down the steps to the first floor and passed through the living room to the kitchen. He stopped briefly at the couch and noticed Justin sound asleep with a smile on his face. He started some coffee and walked back upstairs to take a quick shower.
When JC arrived downstairs after his shower Justin was awake, he was in the kitchen eating a bowl of Captain Crunch and browsing through a book on depression that JC had purchased.
"Hey Just, did you sleep well?" JC asked, resting his hand on Justin's back as he peered over his shoulder at the book.
"Yeah, you have a really comfy couch," he replied after slurping up a spoonful of milk. JC helped himself to a cup of coffee and the two men sat in comfortable silence for a while. After a bit Justin asked "What time is your appointment?"
"It's at noon, I have to leave in just a few minutes, you can stay here if you want. I should be back by 2:00."
"Okay, maybe I'll take a shower and finish that movie."
"What's mine is yours," JC said with a grin.
JC sat in the therapist's office. He glanced around noticing the comforting atmosphere, the cozy chairs, and the serene paintings hanging on the walls. The office had a very homey feel.
"Mr. Scott?" A familiar voice questioned.
JC stood up and walked towards the woman standing in the doorway. His first impression was that she was younger than he'd imagined. His assessment got no further because she spoke.
"I'm Dana White." She said glancing up from the paperwork in her hand. When she saw JC's face she inhaled and shut her mouth quickly. "My paperwork says Josh Scott, but you are JC Chasez, I'd know your face anywhere." She thought for a moment, "Oh I get it -- Josh Scott. I'm sorry it just surprised me for a moment." She led him back into her office, which was decorated in shades of blue, the chairs in there looked even more inviting. "I'm a fan of your music, try not to hold it against me" she said with a smile.
JC laughed. "I'll try not to." He'd been momentarily worried when she recognized him but she seemed to take it in stride and not having to explain that he was in a boy band would save time.
"Please take a seat where ever you feel comfortable." JC sat and Dana pulled up a chair across from him. "Let's start with a few basic questions, but first let me remind you that everything you say in here will be kept in strict confidence. I do keep patient records but I use a code that only I know and your name is not attached to the records. " JC nodded in understanding and Dana continued. "Have you ever been in therapy before?"
"No, this is the first time."
"Okay, well just try to relax and if I ask any questions that you aren't comfortable answering feel free to say so. Oh, and you can call me Dana. What would you like for me to call you?"
"You can call me JC," he replied with a grin. "I use the name Josh Scott to draw less attention to myself. I wouldn't want some obsessive fan to get a hold of my signature on the sign in sheet."
"I understand," she replied with a reassuring smile. "So what brings you to therapy?"
JC talked about his depression, feelings of worthlessness and guilt from those feelings. He discussed the hectic life on the road and his relationships with his band mates and family. "Okay, you've mentioned your friends and family. What about a romantic interest?"
"Well, I haven't dated anyone in a while. I was in an off and on relationship for over a year but I broke it off for good over six months ago."
"And there hasn't been anyone else in that time?"
"Umm, well I did kind of date this one person. But it turned out we really didn't have that much in common. I didn't want to be in a relationship just
for the sex so we mutually agreed to stop seeing each other."
"I'm not trying to pry, I just want to make sure I have a clear picture." She paused, "You were gender neutral in both of your responses, were these relationships with men or women?" she had tried to phrase the question delicately.
JC stammered a bit, "I haven't ever talked about this with anyone, so it's a little strange," JC glanced up at Dana's compassionate face and continued " The first one, the year long relationship was with Bobbie - Roberta, a woman. The last one was with a guy, Tom. He was a fan and we met after a concert. We started off just talking and then things kind of went from there."
"So, you'd consider yourself bisexual?"
"I guess so, I have always been attracted to both men and women. Although lately there haven't been many women that I've been interested in."
"What about men?"
"Well, not really any specific men, but men in general."
They talked for a few more minutes and scheduled an appointment for the week. They had agreed that JC should have as many appointments as possible during the time he was in town.
The following two weeks went quickly. JC saw Dana a total of seven times, they had discussed all of his problems and concerns in detail. JC and Justin spent time together almost everyday. Justin was there for JC to talk to when he started feeling depressed again. After JC's third counseling appointment he decided to get all of the guys together for a barbecue dinner at his house. During the dinner the told them about his depression, the fact that he was now on medication and that he'd been seeing a therapist. They were all very understanding and extremely supportive. Overall they were relieved that JC had figured out what had been causing his odd behavior and were anxious to see him return to his normal temperament. By the time they started back on tour JC's antidepressants had kicked in and his moods were more stabilized. He was beginning to feel like his old self.
The depression was still there lingering in the background. JC would feel fine, happy and cheerful for days then he'd wake up one morning and not have the strength, determination or energy to get out of bed. Justin was always there to force him out of bed and JC usually felt better when he was out of the hotel or off of the bus. JC appreciated Justin's involvement as much as he resented it, he wasn't used to Justin being so demanding. The group began to adjust to JC's new behavior, most of the time he was the fun-loving guy they had known for years. The new side of his personality took the form of seclusion and random hostile outbursts.
*NSYNC had held concerts five nights in a row and JC was exhausted. It wasn't the lethargic feeling that the depression had caused. This was a bone aching, leg shaking exhaustion. The men had two days off and then they were scheduled to perform in Las Vegas. JC crawled into his bunk and slept as the bus made it's way to Nevada.
Justin stood by JC's bunk watching his band mate sleep. He's adorable when he's sleeping, Justin thought. The last few weeks with JC had been bittersweet. They'd spent so much time together talking, watching movies, going out to dinner, and taking day trips to the beach. Justin loved hanging out with JC, but as each day passed it was becoming more difficult to hide his feelings. He wanted to touch JC all the time, he looked for any excuse to pat his shoulder, grab his arm or rest his leg next to his friend's. Justin tried to be discreet but sometimes he wondered if his feelings were obvious. He wondered if JC might have suspected his thoughts, but JC never showed any sign that his friendship toward Justin had changed. Justin wanted so much to tell JC that he was gay and that he was falling in love with him. The fear of losing JC altogether kept him silent.
To Be Continued...
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