Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction, loosely based on the members of *NSYNC. This story is not meant to imply the sexuality of the members of *NSYNC or that they would say or do any of the things mentioned. This story will contain explicit homosexual content. If it is illegal for you to read fiction of this type please stop reading now. This story is copyright 2000 T. Marie. Comments, suggestions, feedback... may be sent c/o ficklepickle76@hotmail.com
Searching For the Light (c) 2000 T. Marie
Chapter 5
After the confrontation with Justin, JC began to pull away from the group again. Lance tried talking to him with no avail. A vacant look would appear in JC's eyes and occasionally he would grunt in recognition as if to signify that he was actually listening. Chris and Joey each took their turn attempting to draw JC out of his shell. None of them were able to break down the wall their friend had built around himself.
Justin was suffering in his own way. He knew that there was no way to force JC into a relationship. Even if it was possible, he wanted JC to want the relationship as much as he did. Even with these few lingering negative thoughts Justin believed with everything that was in him that JC was the person he was meant to be with. JC's seclusion was something none of the men knew how to handle. In Justin's eyes the depression was a direct result of the events of the last few days. These doubts and worries brought Justin to a state of agitation. He too began to pull away from the group. Justin wanted so much to go to JC and tell him all that he was feeling. He was afraid of pushing the older man further away. I just want to love him. Justin decided to try talking to JC one more time, he truly didn't understand why JC was holding him back. If he wasn't attracted, that was one thing but it appeared to Justin that he was interested. I can love him with out being in a relationship with him. I can love him as a friend, as a brother. Justin tried to convince himself. Things will never be the same.
"JC?" Justin called and knocked on the side of the bunk.
"Yeah." He grunted through the thin material of the drape. JC pulled the curtain back a bit and poked his nose out to look at Justin. "What?"
"I want to talk."
"Come in." JC said, motioning for Justin to climb into the bunk. He really didn't feeling like leaving the comfortable surroundings and if Justin wanted to talk he'd just have to climb in.
Justin crawled into the bunk and sat at the foot of the bed facing JC. "Are you still thinking or have you come to a decision yet?"
"God, Justin can't you just give me time?" Why do you guys have to bug me all the time?
Justin was beginning to get used to JC's uncharacteristic outbursts. He knew his friend was hurting and he was trying desperately to understand. He wanted to fix JC, to find a magic pill that would make everything better. However, he knew that was unrealistic and that if he wanted to be a part of JC's life this was something he had to accept. It wouldn't have been so bad if JC hadn't gotten so much better the last few weeks. The sudden changes in JC's behavior were like knives in Justin's back.
"I've tried giving you time JC. I'm not demanding that you love me. I just want to know what you are thinking. I've been honest with you from the start." Justin paused and considered his words very carefully. "I'm not just going to let you sit here feeling sorry for yourself. You have depression, ok. I can accept that, but you have to learn to deal with it. To live with it JC, you aren't living you are hiding in this bed."
"Damn it Justin, just mind your own business. This is my problem, my life. Can't you see that? I don't want to get involved with you because I'd drag you down with me." JC gritted his teeth in anger at himself. "I just keep thinking that if I was stronger than this wouldn't overwhelm me." His face softened as he watched Justin absorb his words " You want me to be honest, well honestly I think that being in a relationship with you would be too good to be true. Justin I'm not good enough for you right now. I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. You deserve someone who can make you happy, not someone who will make you miserable."
"JC you are a complete idiot sometimes. Do you hear yourself? I want to be with you! What part of that don't you understand. I don't have this image of some perfect JC. I want you, the man sitting in front of me." After that outburst he clamed down a little, "besides I'm capable of deciding who I deserve."
JC thought about what Justin had just said and some of it began to make sense. "Justin I'm scared of so many things right now. My heart tells me just to go for it, to risk everything for a chance with you. But my head keeps telling me that it's a bad idea. I don't want to hurt you."
"I'm a big boy JC and I do know what I want, I'm not afraid of getting hurt.
My heart and head tell me that this is meant to happen." Justin's soft tone of voice ended and when he continued his speech, his voice was filled with confidence and determination. "You said you thought you were weak. Weak my ass, you are the most stubborn bullheaded person I've ever met! I've never seen you fail at something you set out to do."
JC smiled for the first time during the conversation. "I guess I can't be a total fuck up, somehow I've managed to keep a friend like you."
Justin laughed and then stopped abruptly "JC, we can deal with the depression together. Please don't use that as an excuse." Justin crawled back out of the bunk saying "I better go, I told Lance I'd give him my opinions on some artists he's considering for FreeLance." He pulled JC into a hug, inhaling the familiar masculine fragrance of JC's skin that he'd come to love. "I'll see you later."
After Justin left JC lay there thinking for a long time. He heard Joey pass by and he swore he heard his friend say "Go with your heart." JC replayed the kisses he and Justin shared. As much as he hated to admit it he was beginning to crave Justin's touch. Most of the time he spent hidden away in his bunk involved thinking of Justin. Maybe he's right JC thought. Maybe we could make it work. He closed his eyes and tried to think of all the reasons why he shouldn't be with Justin, then he mentally listed all the reasons he wanted to become involved with him. Justin's right, and this shouldn't be a debate. I want to be with him, he wants to be with me. This is stupid. Still thinking of Justin he fell into the first restful sleep he'd had in days.
JC woke up as the bus hit a rather large bump on the road. He glanced at his watch noticing that it was almost 2:00 AM. I wonder if Justin is still up? He climbed out of his bunk and stretched his cramped muscles. JC glanced around the room and realized that the curtains were closed on all the bunks indicating that his band mates were all in bed asleep. He tiptoed over to Justin's and peeked inside. The younger man was asleep, sprawled out all over the bed with the covers in a heap at the foot of the bunk. Justin's firm thighs were encased in black boxer briefs. JC drew in his breath sharply as he examined Justin's body in the moonlight. He'd seen the younger man's body in various states of undress many times. However, he'd never looked at him this way. Briefly he wondered how he could have missed out on Justin's blatant sex appeal. Lightly JC traced the shape of Justin's lip with his forefinger. He moved the finger down his slightly parted mouth, over the squared chin and along the defined jawbone. He savored the texture of Justin's skin, loving the way sleep relaxed Justin's features giving them an angelic quality.
"Josh?" Justin murmured sleepily. JC wasn't sure if Justin was having a dream or if he was beginning to wake up.
"Yeah it's me."
Justin rolled over on his side to face JC. "What's wrong? It's the middle of the night."
"Nothing, I just woke up and was thinking about what you said earlier. I realized you were right, about everything. Justin, I'm sorry."
Justin sat up and smiled "I'm right, woo," Justin let out a noise of mock enthusiasm. "And about everything too." He chuckled softly. "Come here." he patted the sheet. JC hopped up into Justin's bunk and the two tried to make themselves comfortable in the confined space. JC lay against the wall of the bunk facing Justin. Justin pulled the curtain back into place and leaned forwards to kiss JC. Slowly their lips met starting out simply, Justin lightly brought JC's upper lip between his and sucked. Then he felt JC's tongue dart out tentatively probing lightly at first and then more aggressively. Justin pressed more closely to JC, their bare chests rubbing together. Justin's nipples tightened as he felt the sparse hair on JC's chest tickled him. He ran one large hand down JC's muscled arm stopping when he reached his fingers. Justin interlocked their fingers and delved deeper into the kiss. As their tongues battled Justin felt JC's hardening penis bush his own. "JC, this is really nice." After another and a brief pause he continued, " God you feel good." he practically growled. "I don't want to rush into this, this is all new to me and..."
"You're right," JC interrupted "again."
Justin laughed against JC's neck. "I could get used to this."
JC sighed and snuggled closer. "Yeah me too."
"I meant being right." Justin teased "But I could get used to this too."
"See I told you that you were too good for me." JC said lightheartedly "I've got the perfect boyfriend, he's always right."
"JC, I'm not perfect." Justin said seriously.
"Perfect for me."
"That was cheesy." Justin pinched JC's arm playfully.
"Okay you aren't perfect, but you are my boyfriend. Right?"
"After that kiss, you better believe it" Justin whispered.
JC smiled and kissed Justin softly on the lips and then on the forehead. Justin leaned back against the pillow and closed his eyes. JC kissed each eyelid softly "Can I sleep here tonight?"
"Yeah, now that I've got you I'm not letting go." Justin wrapped his arms around JC and fell asleep. JC grinned at his decision, knowing he had finally made the right one. He fell asleep minutes after Justin.
To Be Continued