===== See Chapter 1 for disclaimer information... =====
Christmas 2004 was an unusual time for everyone in my family. It was the year of firsts for most of us. It was our first holiday together. It was Jay and Dawn's first holiday with Skye. It was Maya and Daddy's first holiday as Grandparents. It was also Maya's first holiday without either of her parents, since her mother, and my grandmother died over the summer. It was the first holiday after my rape.
Pedro and I, for three days after my rape, stayed at my parents' house. It was a situation that my parents were comfortable with, but Pedro, despite his love and respect for my parents, was growing weary of spending every night in the bed that I slept in when I was a teenager. I could see in his eyes that he longed to be back at our apartment, in our bed, doing things our way, as opposed to how my parents' had grown accustomed to doing things.
I was nervous about the prospects of being back at the apartment, but felt the need to compromise on something for Pedro's sake, since he'd done so much for me over the few days after the rape.
The first night was rough. Everything in our neighborhood reminded me of the rape. As we went down the road where the incident had occurred, I grew tense. Pedro was there, though, to hold my hand and let me know that everything would be OK. He was very gentle and kind. I looked very intently at our hands whenever we held hands. Despite being half Puerto Rican, my skin was still much lighter than his. Naturally, he was very brown, whether having been in the sun or not. Whenever we interlaced our fingers, our skin colors clashed yet flowed in compliment of each other. To me, it signified that we were two different people with two distinct personalities who had come together to create something that transcends description in mere words.
By the time we got back to the apartment, everything seemed different. Everything seemed to have changed in the three days since we left on the fateful trip to the grocery store. Everything seemed colder, as if some innocence had been taken away from everything when Gonzálo pulled my pants down to rape me. The angry man from downstairs was standing outside his apartment when we arrived.
"David!" he said as we began to walk up the stairs.
"Yes sir?" I asked. I was always polite to him, even though over the six years since I'd lived in the apartment, he'd only spoken to me with in a characteristically derogatory tone.
"I heard about what happened from one of your friends. I wanted to say that if you needed anything, just let me know," he said.
"Thank you, sir," I said, giving a smile to the man I once called `cratchety.'
"And tell your father that I'll be voting for him in two years," he added.
"I certainly shall," I said as we said our final salutations and I walked up the stairs. It was nice to have a conversation with him without yelling at each other or having to listen to him telling me how things used to be.
I walked into the apartment where Pedro had already come in and sat our bags onto the floor. He asked if everything was OK, and of course I told him of what happened. He'd been around long enough to understand that the man downstairs was an ass. He looked at me in disbelief.
We didn't realize that the door was still open until a moment later, when Kyle walked in. "Hey guys," he said.
"Hey Kyle," Pedro said. He went over to show him in and shut the door. "What's going on?"
"Nothing much. Cole and Jamie are at it again," he said. "How are you feeling David?"
"I'm great man. Thanks for asking," I said.
"No problem," he said as he stood there for a few minutes.
The conversation between friends passed for a few minutes. He was holding something back, though. I figured that he was probably intentionally walking on eggshells until he learned how I would react to certain things, words, and actions. He ended up staying for the rest of the evening, until around 10:00. It was nice to see him, despite the fact that he seemed to be holding things back a bit. Pedro and I sat up watching a movie until 12:30, when we both started falling asleep.
Like the few nights before, we went to bed together. He wiggled his left arm under my head, and put his right arm around my waist. I put my right arm over his and we interlaced our fingers. He kissed the back of my neck, and was quickly off to la-la land.
I, on the other hand, couldn't sleep well. I'd fall asleep, and then something would wake me up. Pedro was unphased by my insomnia. By 5:00, I had had enough of the falling asleep and then waking up. I kissed Pedro's arm, and he let me out of the grip that he'd held on me. I walked into the kitchen and fixed a pot of coffee. It was the sweet nectar that would wake me up enough to decide whether or not I wanted to go to bed.
I felt myself getting weak after a few sips of the brew. I went into the dining area and took a seat at the table. Sitting there silently, I let my mind freely race to whatever topic it chose. I let my mind wander to Josh, the first night we spent here in this apartment. I thought about how I was sharing my bed with someone new, with only memories of Josh. If I concentrated, I could still smell Josh's cologne on everything in the house.
I thought about Pedro, and how I'm glad he didn't wear the same cologne.
"Hey babe," Pedro said when he pulled himself out of bed and ventured into the kitchen for a coffee. "When did you fix this?" he asked as he took a sip only to find that it had turned cold.
"About five o'clock. What time is it?"
"It's almost ten," he stated as he poured the five hour coffee down the drain.
"Shit," I stated as I pulled myself up. "I've been sitting here for five hours."
Pedro looked unphased by my comment. He leaned against the sink as he wanted for me to continue my ranting from the dining area. I sat back down at the table as he came into the dining area. "Pedro. I don't know if I can get through this," I said in a moment.
"You can," he said confidently, "and you will. I will be here with you. I promise."
"You don't know what's gonna happen in an hour, Pedro. Either of us could be gone in a flash," I said without allowing my mind to filter my comments.
"David. You're gonna be OK." He took my hand and squeezed it tightly.
"I don't know, Pedro."
"Promise me, you will. It's something that will take you a while to get through, but you will." I forgot for a moment that he'd also been the victim of Gonzálo's rampages. "I will be here."
"How did you get through it?"
"Well," he started. He took a moment as he thought about how to verbalize his thoughts. "I was young, for one. But he stopped when he was old enough to move out. I had to time to recover. Papú was also there for me. He didn't know exactly what was going on, but he knew that I needed his support and he was there to give it to me." Pedro rarely talked about his grandfather. "Él me decía que pudiera tener la fuerza por hacer todo que quería," he said in Spanish. He let himself get lost in thoughts for a moment, bringing himself back as I sat there looking at my coffee. (He used to tell me that I could have the strength to do all that I wanted.)
"Let's go somewhere," I said in a moment. "I want to go someplace."
"Where?"
"You'll have to trust me," I said as I stood and went to get my things together for a shower.
"OK," he said, standing and following me into the bedroom.
"Do you realize," I started as I walked into the bathroom, knowing that Pedro was sitting in the bedroom, "in the last week and a half, we've had way too many tragedies?"
"No lie," he said as he gathered some other things for a shower. "Mind if I join you?"
"Sure. Come on," I said. I don't know why I'd said it. I felt far to nasty to have any physical contact with any person, except for at night, when Pedro and I slept together.
I got into the shower first, turning on the water to my heat preference. Pedro followed in a moment, grabbing the soap and working on lathering my back. He was careful not to inadvertently enter areas that were, at the moment, off limits. He wrapped his hands around my waist, and kissed my neck, which wasn't yet soapy.
"So where are we going?" he asked.
"Someplace," I said.
"Someplace? A specific place?"
"Yeah. I want you to meet someone," I said, turning to wash his back.
"OK," he went on. "Who's driving?"
"Me," I answered. "It will be better, since I know where we're going."
"OK," he grinned. "I'll let you."
"Cool," I said, winking at him and smiling.
We finished the shower, clothed ourselves, and ran down to my car. I wanted to drive. It was odd, since less than an hour before, I was worried about not being able to get through the doldrums that my life was in. Pedro seemed to be going with the flow of the moment, letting me make the decisions. We drove for an eternity, crossing the state line going north on I-65.
"Ahh...Tennessee is where we're going," he said.
"Yeah," I said as I sternly kept my eyes on the road. We drove through the mountains and hills as he progressed toward Nashville. We came to the exit we needed. Spring Hill was the name of the closest town. (Pedro pointed out that it was the home of the Saturn Plant, which I'd known for a while. He seemed impressed by it.)
We drove around the winding roads as the later afternoon drew upon us. I pulled the car off of the main road and onto what would appear to most as a country road. I raced down the road, as I had many times before. I honked at the only house on the road.
"Hey. That looked like Maria's car," Pedro said as we passed it at a higher than necessary speed.
"Probably was. That's Rose's house," I stated clearly. He was finally putting two and two together about our final destination.
I slowed in a moment as we entered a pasture. Two shadowy figures already crowded around our destination, far back in the field. As we pulled closer, a white boy and brown girl stood over the spot we were headed for. I stopped the car, and Pedro and I got out.
"What are y'all doing up here?" Maria said as she walked toward us. Pedro knew where we were when he saw Antony turn around and look as if he'd been crying. As Pedro and Maria talked, I walked over to Antony.
"Hey New Bro," he said without turning to see who it was.
"Hey Little Bro," I responded as I walked over to him and put my arms around his shoulder. Many times we'd stood in this field together over the last year and a half.
"So I figured out what to give Maria for Christmas," he said in a moment, wiping tears from his eye.
"Really," I said. "What did you give her?"
"I gave her a part of my history. I brought her down here and told her what happened to Josh. I told her how my brother was the only person who completely trusted me, and the only person other than you and Mom to completely love me, without placing conditions on it. She told me that I could add her to the list," he said. That's when I started crying.
"Hey," Pedro said as he and Maria walked down to us.
"Hey, Pedro," I said as Antony and I turned to see our lovers walking toward us. We were both crying like babies. Pedro came to me, and Maria went to Antony. After exchanging pleasantries for a moment, Maria and Antony began walking toward the house. Pedro and I stood there in silence. Pedro looked around as I stared at the stone.
"So I understand where we are; just not why we're here," he said in a moment.
I continued to stare at the stone. "Because, as silly as it sounds, I needed you to meet him. This is Joshua Moretti," I said as I presented the stone to him. The stone was a simple marble marker, printed with his name and years of birth and death. It wasn't that I was cheap when buying his stone; I was following his wishes.
Pedro said nothing as we stood there. "I know I'm silly," I said. "I know that this is simply a futile exercise. I'm sorry for wasting your time."
"You're not wasting my time," he said as he put his arms on my shoulder.
"I used to come up here once a week and talk to the stone. One day, I fell asleep and was out here all night. That was the only night I slept well for months after he died," I explained.
"I know you loved him very much. I also know that I will never replace him," he said honestly.
"But you have my heart," I said to Pedro. I turned back to look at the stone. As I looked at Josh's name printed on the stone, I couldn't help but feel a flood of things coming into my head. "I love him, Josh. It's the same kind of love that I had with you from the first time we talked. I wonder if you're somewhere thinking of that night. I had so much fun." Pedro stood there as I let the thoughts run from my head with no conceived order. He listened to every word I uttered to Josh. "And we're gonna get married," I said. "We've not made any plans yet. Josh, if you can hear me somewhere, I LOVE YOU! I ALWAYS WILL!" I screamed the words into the dusky sky. I dropped to my knees in front of the stone, leaned over, and kissed it. "Ti amerò per sempre, signore Moretti," I whispered as I lifted myself up.
Pedro put his arm around me as I stood. We turned in a moment and walked back toward the car. I sat the in the drivers' side, waiting on Pedro to get into the car. I turned the key and turned around. "It feels weird," I said in a moment. "But I think he would approve if he were here." I said as I pulled back onto the road, headed toward Rose and Antony's house.
We stopped at the house to find Rose and Jackie sitting on the front porch. "Well, if it's not David Jansen," Jackie said as she ran out to hug me. Rose followed, taking me into an embrace.
"You really should come up more often, David," Rose said, holding her cigarette away from my face.
"I know. I'm sorry I haven't been up here lately."
"No problems," she said.
"And who are you?" Jackie said to Pedro.
"I'm Pedro Morales," he said, extending his hand to Jackie.
"Well, I'm Jackie Estelleno," she said as she opened to give Pedro a hug. The Morettis were hugging people.
"And I'm Rose Moretti," she added as she went over to give Pedro a hug, just as Jackie. She held her cigarette away from Pedro's face, just as she'd done with me.
"I've heard a lot about both of you," Pedro said.
"None of it's true," Jackie said.
"Well, he did say y'all were two of the most gorgeous thirty-year old women he'd ever seen," Pedro said, flashing the smile that I'd grown to love.
"Well damn, Dave," Rose said after his comment. "You caught a good one," she said as she and Jackie took him into the house together, leaving me to follow behind them.
I walked into the house. It was filled with the same love and warmth that it always had been. I excused myself from Pedro, Rose, and Jackie for a moment and went to the second floor of the house. The second door on the right was the room I looked for. I walked in, and all of Josh's awards for sports and academics. I looked at the pictures that Rose had put on his desk. There were some from his childhood. Some of them were from his teenage years, including his prom picture. He was the first person I'd ever met who took a guy to his senior prom. There was a picture of the two of us that some fellow tourist had taken when I took him to Puerto Rico for one of our anniversaries. There was a picture of us kissing at some other party that Rose must have hosted. I sat on his bed. The dust rose from the comforter, as it had been rarely used since Josh's death. I lay down for a moment, and put my head on his pillow. I could still smell him there. I hugged the pillow tightly. I remember the first time we spent the night here after Josh's dad left Rose. It was the first time that we were able to sleep together in his bed. It was a strongly emotional night for both us.
After lying there for a few more minutes, clutching for dear life the last pillow that he'd used at home, I stood. I couldn't be in this room very much longer. I took a picture of us from our anniversary trip to Puerto Rico. "It's time for me to move on, Josh. I will always love you, and you know that from wherever you are. I've got to make my life with Pedro now." I kissed the picture until I heard the tear land on the picture and roll down and hit my cheek as it pressed the frame's glass. I took the picture with me as I walked downstairs. Pedro, Jackie, Rose, Antony, and Maria were sitting at the table drinking coffee.
"Can I have this?" I asked Rose as I turned to show her the picture of Josh that I was asking for. When he died, I gave most of the pictures to her for safekeeping.
"Yeah," she said. "It's yours anyway."
"Thanks," I said, as I came over to Pedro. They were taking up all five of the chairs. He turned to the side, and I sat lightly on his leg.
"You should tell Pedro about why there's not a sixth chair," Rose said, staring at me and winking.
"I will later, Rosie," I said. She hated when people called her Rosie, which is why I did it this time.
"David Jansen, you're on thin ice," she said, waving her finger at me.
"Yes ma'am," I said as I quieted.
We sat there for the better part of the evening. At around eleven, Pedro and I decided to leave. Rose and Jackie insisted that we stay, but didn't stop us. I didn't want Pedro to have to spend any more time away from our bed than he had to. The drive wasn't bad back down. In fact, it was nice. I felt like a large weight had been lifted off of me. Pedro and I talked about a million things. Politics to my hair were up for discussion.
By two, we'd made it back to Birmingham, all without being pulled over by my brother, who'd warned me about driving too fast through his patrol area. Pedro quickly pulled off all his clothes as we walked into the apartment. He was tired. I followed him after locking up the apartment.
"Pedro," I said as I climbed into bed.
"Yes, love?"
"I'm sorry for dragging you up there today."
"Baby. It's OK. I enjoyed talking to you. The drive home was so cool. You seem like so many weights have been lifted off of you," he commented.
"Pedro. I really do love you."
"I know. The only time I ever doubted it was the first morning after we met. I thought I was fucking it up, and then that shit with Blair. Let me not speak ill of the dead. I thought I'd never see you again while all that shit was going on."
I rolled over to my other side so that I could look him in the face. I kissed his lips with strength. I rubbed my left hand all over his back and the right side of his waist. I couldn't help myself. I mean, I didn't want him touching me in some places, but I felt compelled to reach into the front of his boxers. Our kissing had caused a tent to develop in his boxers. I stroked it slowly.
"You sure?" he asked as he put his hand on mine to stop me.
"Yeah. This is all about you, though," I said, signaling that I wasn't ready for it to be reciprocated. I began stroking again, slowly. He was enjoying every minute of it. There was no reason for him to go without just cause I didn't feel like doing anything, I thought as I, in my mind, justified my actions.
His heavy breathing let me know that he was close to shooting. I failed to heed to his request to stop what I was doing. He began shooting in his boxers, causing a large wet spot to appear in his pants.
"Diós mío," he said as I kissed him.
"You OK?" I asked.
"Oh yeah. I'm great. Thank you babe."
"Anytime."
We both fell asleep shortly after that. This had been a long day, and I was tired. I was very, very tired as I fell asleep with the heat emanating from my boyfriend's body.
Christmas Eve started off beautifully. The sun shined, despite the blistering cold winds that blew across the city. I smiled, despite the hand I'd been dealt by the world. I got up as quietly as I could. My boyfriend slept peacefully, not even knowing that I had slipped out of the bedroom and into the living room and then to the kitchen. I fixed the customary pot of coffee. The aroma helped wake me completely. I reflected on a lot of things that morning before Pedro awoke. All of the previous day's events were still fresh on my mind.
"Morning," Pedro said through the slumber in his eyes. Thanksfully he'd changed boxers before coming out. I'd have hated to laugh at him.
"Morning, babe," I responded as he went into the kitchen and pulled a mug from the cabinet.
He came into the dining area after a minute, joining me at the table. "Yesterday was cool," he said after taking a few sips of his coffee.
"Yeah. It was," I said, grinning. I knew that Pedro would never replace Josh. The chapter of my life that included Pedro and Josh were both distinct. They both had different characteristics and different phrasings.
"So I had a dream last night," Pedro said after another moment when silence crept in between us.
"Really?"
"Yeah. I was dreaming that we were old," he started.
"How old?"
"Like 70 or 80."
"OK."
"We were sitting on a beach somewhere, watching the `hotboys' walk by," he explained.
"Yeah."
"We were sitting there talking about something, but the only thing I remember is you saying something about me being the hottest thing on the beach."
I laughed when he said it. If I'm still flirting when I'm old, I'll be happy. If I'm still flirting with Pedro when I'm old, I'll be ecstatic.
We sat at the table for a while talking about nonsensical things. The conversation probably wouldn't have made sense to anyone other than us. We finished a few things and went to Abu's for the afternoon, to give her the gift we'd bought for her: a bracelet with charms for all her grandchildren. The rest of the afternoon we spent talking about Pedro as a child; Abu has a wealth of stories that make him blush. As the night came to a close, we left, headed to my parents' house. By the time we got there, they'd already left for mass. We gathered our things, took them upstairs, and went to bed, since it had been a long day.
The next morning, Maya woke us well before normal people get up on Christmas day.
"Get up!" she screamed the second time she came into the room to stir us. "Y'all have to help me with a couple of things," she demanded. I pulled myself out of the bed, pulled on some shorts, and went downstairs. Thankfully, none of my family had arrived yet. I groggily aided my mother as we began putting together some of the dishes.
"So I went to Tennessee day before yesterday," I confessed to my mother.
"Really. Did Pedro go with you?"
"Yes ma'am. I wanted him to meet Josh," I added.
"Really. How did he take it?"
"Really well actually. He's been very supportive," I said. To be honest, Pedro had been far more supportive than anyone would have expected him to be.
"Very good. I like him. I really do like him, David."
"Est-ce je peux te dire une chose?" (Can I tell you something?)
"Mais ouais," she said. (Of course.)
"Il m'a demandé pour être son mari," I said. My mother stopped dead in her tracks. (He asked me to marry him.)
"¿Qué?" she asked, switching to Spanish. I couldn't read her facial expressions.
"Maya. ¿Estás OK?" I asked.
"Yeah," she answered. She turned and walked to the cupboard, pulled a cup, and fixed a cup of coffee. She remained quiet. She sat at the table.
"Maya. No quería dolerte," I said, going beside her, sitting, and putting my hand on her back. (I didn't want to hurt you.)
"I know," she said as she put her hand on my knee. "I am very happy for you," she added.
"Why are you so happy?" Daddy asked as he walked into the room.
"You'll know later, Daddy. I promise," I said as I looked at my father.
He simply said OK, grabbed some juice, and went back into the living room.
"Oh God," Maya said as Daddy left, "I've got to finish this shit." I chucked at her but got up to help her. Telling her about our plans was a liberating feeling. It was almost like when she found out that I was gay. I was totally free. She swore not to tell anyone until after Pedro and I decided to say something. She wasn't even to let Pedro know that she knew.
"Good morning," Pedro said as he finally came downstairs at around ten in the morning. He came around behind me and put his arms around my waist.
"Good morning, love," I said to him as he kissed the back of my neck. My mother purposely kept her eyes away from him. He didn't notice, immediately.
"Merry Christmas, Maya," he said to her.
"Feliz Navidad, mijo."
"Can I help with anything?"
"If you want to. I could use some help with getting a dessert ready."
"I can do that," he said as he walked over to the fridge to gather the necessary ingredients. Maya always let him do what he wanted to in the kitchen.
By the time guests started arriving, Pedro and I looked like sweaty kitchen help. We rushed upstairs. He took a shower in my bathroom, while I ran into Maya and Daddy's bedroom to quickly clean myself. I didn't want to face some of the family members that I knew would be there. Daddy's "Tante Beatrix" was coming, along with her sister "Tante Dorothea." Those two women had to be the oldest living members of our family, not to mention the only ones still living that were born in the Netherlands. They were a wealth of family information, but never understood why I wanted a man and not to settle down with a woman and have babies. Josh would always threaten to yell at them, telling them that I like dick more than they did before cobwebs invaded their pussies. The two of them were always seen together. They reminded me of Marge's sisters from The Simpson's.
By the time we'd both finished dressing, we ran downstairs. I warned Pedro about the Aunts, but he wasn't expecting their bright blue and green outfits. They looked like they belonged at a European royal function with the hats they donned along with their outfits. Jay and Dawn came with the baby and Dr. T a bit later. Uncle Juan and Aunt Jane came shortly thereafter. Pedro and Maya finished up in the kitchen as Daddy and I entertained the old women.
Thankfully for Daddy and I, dinner was announced shortly after the arrival of the dinner's final invitees: Jessica, Charlie, Sarah, and the twins. We sat down to one of the most exquisitely prepared and presented meals that I can remember. The courses and services of dishes that hadn't been served on this table since the last Christmas we'd celebrated here years ago. We all gorged ourselves on the food that my mother had prepared. The only reason I tried dessert is because Pedro had prepared it.
"So now we start a new Christmas tradition," Maya said from her seat at the head of the table. "It's called Christmas Confessions," she said. "We will each go around the table and confess something that we've done this year. For example, I would say something like `I bounced a check.' But no one can get mad at me for what I say," she added, looking at my father.
"So what are you confessing, Maya," Jay asked.
"Oh. That I bounced a check earlier this year," she said. Daddy didn't look amused, but he didn't look too upset either. "So David. It's your turn," she said since I was sitting right next to her.
"Well. I kissed a boy," I said, looking around to find my cousins snickering.
"Really?" Tante Beatrix asked. "I did too." The entire family looked at her in surprise. "What? I am not dead." She added. The whole family erupted with laughter. Even Tante Dorothea laughed.
We went around the table, learning something new about each of the people there. Pedro and Daddy were the last two to make their confessions. Daddy made some confession about missing a vote on a water rights bill for some person in Oregon. Pedro was last. He sat in silence for a second.
"I asked a man to marry me," he said after a moment. My heart skipped a beat. I know that Maya's did, too. I was at least glad that I'd let the cat out of the bag this morning. Daddy didn't look too upset either. Pedro looked at my father oddly. "Mike. What's your answer?" he asked, resulting in laughter as he put a platinum band on my father's ring finger.
"I don't know," my dad said as he inspected the ring. "This ring has someone else's name inscribed on it. What does this say?" he squinted his eyes for a moment to read what was on it. Pedro looked at me.
"It says "A Davíd. Quiero que seas mío siempre," he read, poorly, since he only knew seven words in Spanish. I was ecstatic by the goings on at the table. Uncle Juan looked like he didn't care; the Aunts were confused. Everyone else seemed too look, wondering what my reaction was going to be.
"So what do you say, Dave?" Pedro asked. The Aunts gave up trying to understand what was going on.
"Sure. Why not? I just can't wear white," I said.
"Oh we know you can't wear white," Jessica said, followed by snickers from my cousins and mother.
Pedro came over to where I was sitting and climbed down onto one knee. He took my right hand, placing the ring on the right ring finger. We stood and I hugged him in front of the world.
Everyone seemed happy for me that afternoon. Uncle Juan even congratulated the two of us as he and Aunt Jane were leaving. Only he knew what was going on in his head, but he seemed to be happy for us. And to my felicity, no one mentioned the rape.
"So it's been a good Christmas?" he asked as we drove down the road.
"Yeah, babe. It has," I added as I sat there and watched the road as he drove down the four lane highway.
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