Separate Lives

Hello everyone, and welcome to the warped, twisted little world that is my mind. Here we go: this is my first effort...yadda, yadda, yadda. Get on with the story! Okay, well, here it is. Yet another Brian Littrell story. Well, yeah, this is, but just give it a chance. This story is really prologue. It gets a lot better later on. It won't be just another Brian story. I promise you that...not when I get done with it... Oh, and there's no sex, so if that's what you want, there are plenty of other stories that have it.

The setting is fictional, also. It's easier for me to create a place than to talk about the one in which I live.

This is a work of fiction, and in no way does it intend to insinuate anything about the sexualities of the persons mentioned herein.

Legal stuff: if you're not eighteen, or old enough to be reading this according to the laws of your state, am-scray. If you're offended by relationships between consenting adult males, then why the hell are you here?

Separate Lives Part I By Chris

In the present...

It's sometime around dusk. Brian and I are ambling along the shoreline hand-in-hand, basking in the warmth of the evening sun. A slight breeze ripples the air around us, as we move together, oblivious to anything but each other. With the exception of our soft footsteps in the sand and the breeze, the beach is utterly silent, and there is no one around. We could be the only two people on the face of the earth.

Inhaling deeply, Brian turns his startling blue eyes my way. He smiles in his heart-stoppingly sweet way and squeezes my hand without comment. A golden nimbus surrounds his head from the waning sun in a moment of almost ethereal beauty. An angel. My angel.

"Such a beautiful day," he murmurs, aware, like me, of the beauty of our place and time.

"Yes," I agree softly. "And just think, love, we have our whole lives to take walks like these." Absently I play with the gold band on my left ring finger and glance at the match on Brian's finger.

"I know," he says. The breeze ruffles his hair and I struggle against the suddenly overwhelming urge to take him right there in the sand. It's a little lighter now-his hair, that is-and longer. The last of the sun glints off of it and he looks like a cherub. He's gorgeous and...he's mine.

"Want to sit for a while?" I ask.

"Sure," he answers with a shrug. "Any way you like it." His mood is unusually subdued this evening. No jokes or off-the-wall comedy; no funny voices to make me smile. It's just the real Brian: the one under the comedic mask, the one that only comes out when he's thinking deeply or troubled.

"You all right?" I ask as I recline in the still warm sand.

"Hmm?" Brian's sitting with his hands extended behind him, leaning back on them with his legs stretched out in front of him. He's wearing a blue and white University of Kentucky T-shirt, jean shorts, and a pair of Nike sandals...good enough to eat, let me tell you. But his face is distant, thoughtful.

"You seem a little out of it tonight," I remark idly once I have his attention.

"I'm just thinking," he says, barely audible. "I was thinking about when we met."

"How come?"

"I don't know. I was thinking about how much I wanted you that first day. God, I'd never felt that way before." He smiles then, but his eyes remain thoughtful.

I nod in agreement and return the smile. "I felt the same way. Just like a bolt out of the blue." There is a long silence between us. Like my lover, my best friend, my soulmate, I begin to reflect on that first meeting, and eventually drift.

In the past...

I remember that I won the concert tickets when, by a stroke of fate, I walked into the gas station when I did. Our local radio station, the big one in town, had set up shop there and I was just the right person at the right time. No, I didn't plan it, just walked in. They asked me three questions about the Backstreet Boys (questions those of us who weren't really fans knew anyway), all of which I managed to answer. Although I wasn't a fan, my best friend was and he talked about them constantly.

When they offered the meet-and-greet passes, I jumped at the chance. It meant that I'd have to risk my tickets, tickets to a show that had sold out within a few minutes, but it was a chance I was willing to take for David's sake. The truth was, I had nothing at all to lose because it wouldn't bother me to lose the tickets. But I figured I owed it to David to win those tickets for him.

Oh, like I keep saying, I wasn't a fan, but I knew the group fairly well. You don't have a best friend who spends every waking moment either watching, listening to, or talking about them and not pick up anything. Truth to tell, I thought Brian Littrell was kind of cute and I liked the sound of his voice, although I didn't much care for that genre of music.

So, they asked me a question: name all five in order from oldest to youngest, give the ages, and say where each was from. David would have shot me if I'd missed that one, which, I didn't. I won the stupid passes and walked out with them, the tickets, and a lame excuse; that being that I would take my girlfriend with me. Only two things wrong with that: first, David wasn't a girl, and two, I didn't have a girlfriend.

If you haven't guessed by now, (and I really don't know how you could) I'll clarify. My name (if you care) is Josh Taylor. When I won the tickets, I was single, and also gay. I lived in a town in Arizona called Blackstone, which was about half the size of Phoenix, where I attended the local university. And David? How does he figure into this? At one time, a year or two before, he and I had been an item, but no longer. We were good friends and content to leave it at that.

Anyway, the concert was scheduled for the 21st of September, which happened to be his birthday, so I went over to his house on the day of his birthday, about two days after I won the tickets. He was alone and pouting because he didn't get any tickets to the show. I didn't tell him, of course, that I had tickets.

"Hey," I said, as I walked in and threw myself down on his couch. It was about four, and I was going to take him out for dinner before surprising him with the tickets. "Happy birthday, D-mon," I teased.

"Thanks," he said with a smile. He was 6'2" tall (way taller than me. I'm only 5'3"), lean, and nice-looking, if not extraordinarily handsome. His face was quiet, had straight and even features, with fuzzy dark brown hair. The expression he habitually wore on his face reminded me of someone who is desperately trying to remember something and is failing miserably. Only when he smiled, a slightly crooked, but entirely endearing smile, did his expression change. There was a guileless quality in his jade green eyes, something innocent in his face, and quite charming when he smiled.

"So," I said quite casually, "what are you doing this afternoon?"

"Lamenting," he sighed. "I wish I could go to that concert."

"I'm sorry," I tried to console him. "Well, get dressed, friend David. I'm taking you out to dinner tonight for your birthday gift. And if you want to do something afterward, we can do it."

His eyes lit up. "Why Josh, are you suggesting that we do it tonight? I thought we weren't going together anymore."

"You pervert," I said with a chuckle. "That's not what I meant." I was suddenly feeling playful. "Although...in a little while, you may wish you could."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll see. Hurry up."

"Dress code?"

"Something nice. Not too fancy, but not too casual."

Five minutes later, he was dressed and groomed. "How's this?" he asked, as he twirled around in his navy Dockers and light blue dress shirt.

"Perfect," I answered. I was dressed in a pair of black Dockers, myself, and a sapphire blue silk dress shirt that was about the same color as my eyes. I had been told time and time again that it really made my eyes stand out, so I figured it couldn't be that bad. Besides, the Dockers were the same color as my hair, so it all worked.

"Where are we going?" David asked as we headed to the car.

"It's a surprise," I answered as I drove down to his favorite restaurant: The Outback Steakhouse. It wasn't really one of my favorites, but this day wasn't about me. Besides, David deserved it.

When we got in, he looked happy. "My favorite place," he sighed as we sat in a window booth. "You sure do know how to cheer a guy up."

"On that note," I said, reaching into my back pocket for his birthday card. "Happy birthday."

He took the card out of the envelope. "Hmm...there's something in here," he remarked as he read the cover. I'd stuck the ticket and the pass inside, so when he opened it, he could do little but stare in wonder. He looked up at me, and back down at the card, as if he couldn't quite believe it.

"J-Josh," he stammered breathlessly, "this...it-it's a ticket t-to the Backstreet Boys' concert!"

"Read the row."

He did. "Front row?!" he exclaimed. "You got me a front row ticket?" His eyes widened when he caught sight of the other part. "A meet-and- greet pass? I...I'm getting to meet them? Tonight?"

"You and about twenty others. These were very limited. Or so I hear," I said with studied casualness. Inside, I was laughing warmly at my friend's total amazement.

"Am I going alone?" he asked.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my own ticket and pass. "We come as a set," I answered. "I won these a couple of days ago because I've picked up so much trivia about them from you, so I figured I'd take you. Besides that, it's your birthday, so here you go."

"Wow! Thank you so much, Josh."

"Think nothing of it."

He grinned. "I'll bet you really don't want to go, though. This kind of music just isn't your bag."

"It's no big deal. Besides, I think Brian is pretty good-looking." I winked and cut into my little T-bone steak, which was slightly tough, but really not too bad. We finished the meal and I paid. It was about ten to six then. "Concert starts at eight," I said, as we walked out to my car. "This meet-and-greet thing starts at six-thirty, and it's going on for about forty-five minutes, since not too many people are going to be there."

"Well, it's almost six, right now," David said with a glance at his watch. "Let's head on over there and just hang for a bit."

"Whatever you want, my friend."

"You were right, you know, when you said that earlier."

"Said what?"

"You said I'd want to do you because of this. Man, you were right." He started to reach over and touch my knee.

My eyes narrowed with a bit of annoyance as I pushed his hand away. "No you don't. David, I'm sorry but...no."

"I wasn't offering, dummy," David answered, sulking. He pouted for just a minute before his good cheer was restored. "Aw, come on, Josh, why not?"

He was teasing me. "'Cause you aren't my type," I teased right back. "Besides that, we're better when we're friends. You know that as well as I do."

"Okay, okay," he sighed melodramatically. He dissolved into giggles. "I can't wait to meet them. This is the best gift anyone's ever given me, you know. I don't know how to thank you. Or if I'll even have time. When are you leaving?"

"Mm...about a month from now." I was leaving college toward the end of October. I'd gotten into a special program that allowed me to graduate when I fulfilled all of the requirements for my major, which was music education. I'd graduate and then try to find a job somewhere, even though school was in session. I had a few prospects already and one that looked promising.

"I don't want you to go," David said, as we arrived at the Center. "Jesus!" He exclaimed as he looked over the crowd. The Center could hold roughly twenty-five thousand people and it looked like there was at least half that number milling around outside. Mostly, they were girls; little girls. "Wonderful. I bet half of these girls have passes to meet them. I'll never get to meet A.J." A.J. was, of course, David's favorite.

"Take it easy," I said. We got out of the car and almost immediately, I saw a few of our friends. For the next fifteen minutes, David and I stood around talking to them. At six-twenty, we made our way up to the entrance and flashed our passes at a beefy security guard who scrutinized them closely until he was satisfied. He gave us the passes back and waved us through, but stopped a group of girls who tried to follow. We had to show our passes once more to another big guard before being let into a fairly large room off the main stage.

We weren't alone there. About twenty-five girls stood in sweaty knots of three or four chattering in that wild, excited way young girls did when nervous. A few of them held hand-lettered signs that declared which one was her favorite (Nick and Kevin, primarily), and two had signs saying that the girl loved them all. It was kind of unusual, I observed, as David and I stood to the rear of the group, to see how these girls were dressed. Almost all of them were wearing some brand of BSB shirt and baggy jeans. Only four or five weren't wearing BSB shirts, and two of those had tube tops that showed off their budding breasts (that's being generous, mind). It appeared that David and I were the oldest by quite a bit. We garnered quite a few curious stares from the young women (and several double-takes).

David didn't say anything for a while. He, like me, concentrated on the group around us and he sighed. His eyes were troubled as he turned to me, clearing his throat to get my attention. "You know, not to put a damper on the mood here, but you should have told me that you were depressed earlier, Josh. I could have helped. I won't abandon you, and you know that."

I shrugged uncomfortably. There wasn't much I could say, so I adjusted my shirt cuffs instead. He was talking about something that had happened a short while ago, and I was quite puzzled as to why he had brought it up then of all times. "Thanks, but why are you worrying about this now?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about music, and it that just popped into my head. I remember...Jeff, I think, telling me about it and wondering why you never talked to me. But I remembered you and your music. I guess I should just be glad you found a constructive outlet."

I started to answer, but was quite suddenly cut off by a chorus of screams. My gaze instinctively flicked over to the door before I looked toward the front of the crowd. As I said earlier, I'm not very tall, just 5'3", so it wasn't easy to see over the girls. But two girls moved at just the right time, and I found that I could see just fine from the side. All five of the Backstreet Boys had come into the room, escorted by their usual battery of security, although for this small of a crowd, it wasn't necessary.

They stood at the front of the room in this order: Nick, and to his left, Howie, then Kevin, then Brian, and lastly, A.J. Nick and Kevin both wore khaki cargo pants and T-shirts (Nick's white, and Kevin's blue), Howie and A.J. wore darker colored pants with light T-shirts (white and gray, respectively), and Brian wore blue jeans and a royal blue T-shirt. They looked over the crowd with only the slightest hint of unease, and then Nick caught my eye and grinned. He nudged Howie, who tapped Kevin. Brian and A.J. were already looking in our direction. A few of the girls craned their heads to see what they were looking at. I'm pretty shy, so the attention made me nervous. But the girls started pushing, so much to my surprise, the Boys dispersed. I expected them to just sit up front signing autographs, but instead, they went to the girls.

David went over to find A.J., but I hung out at the back of the room, leaning up against the wall and just watching. I kept an eye on David, but also watched each of the five Boys. They all had about five girls at a time hanging around them, and none seemed to mind. That went on for about fifteen minutes. At one point, I turned to glance out the door, and when I looked back around, Brian Littrell had quite literally come from out of nowhere. I jumped, mildly startled.

"Uh, hello," he said quietly with slightly rueful smile. "I'm sorry. Didn't mean to startle you."

"That's all right," I replied, returning the smile. I was struck by how handsome he was. Mostly, it was his intensely vivid blue eyes that kept and held my attention.

"I'm Brian," he said, extending his hand.

I shook it. "Josh Taylor. Nice to meet you." I glanced in David's direction for just a moment, to catch him staring at us. I flashed him a quick grin before turning my attention to Brian.

"I've seen you standing here on the outside since we got out here, so I figured I'd just come over and meet you. This is a meet-and-greet session after all." He grinned wryly. "It's not often that we have guys come backstage. Mostly these meet-and-greets and filled with little girls like these."

"Well," I shrugged, "they're the ones who buy your music and your stuff, so why shouldn't they be the ones to come?" That last came out with a smile.

"Let me guess. Your girlfriend dragged you down here." He looked slightly disappointed.

"Mm...to do that I would have to have a girlfriend, and since I don't, the answer is no. I'm here with my friend David, who is...a big fan."

"Are you a fan?"

I shook my head slowly. "Not really. But, I don't mind your kind of music. It's just not my cup of tea. Frankly, I respect you all for your integrity, even if I don't listen to your music. I imagine it isn't easy to hear all the people criticize you day in and day out, and then go out and do what you do all the time. Of course, it doesn't really matter what the critics say as long as you believe in what you do." I smiled with humor. "I'm a little surprised that you haven't just said 'screw it' and walked away from it all. I mean, it's not easy. Being a musician myself, I know that much about it. If it was easy, everyone could do it."

Brian's smile widened. "I wish more people thought that way. Maybe then, they'd leave us alone. We do believe in what we do, you know. And it does get tiring to hear people say it's not real."

"Oh, it's real enough," I said. "All music is real, be it rap, pop, jazz or rock 'n roll. This is your music, and it doesn't matter what anyone else says. I mean, look at this following." I gestured to the crowd. "This speaks for itself, don't you think? Yeah, maybe they're not all interested in your music, but they're here. That says something. It says that you're doing something right."

"Are you sure you're not a fan?"

"Mm-hmm. I'm just someone who's observed a lot about music."

"Oh. Well, it's nice to know that there are some people who aren't fans who can still respect us." He sighed and glanced over at his shoulder. Several girls stood a few paces behind him, not quite daring to interrupt, but glaring at me. "Oh boy," he muttered for my ears only. "God, I can't even get one decent conversation started before they show up. Say, the guys are planning to go out after the show tonight. I'm not, but I'd like to have a tour of this town. We've never been here before, and I kind of like it. Care to show me around?"

I shrugged. "Why not? Just me?"

"If you can. If not, that's okay, too."

"Sure."

"Okay. Don't tell anyone, but we're staying at the Hilton. Meet me in the lobby after the show. I'll try to be quick, no more than maybe half an hour at the most." He smiled slightly and before I could protest, took my ticket and scribbled his name on it. With an insolent grin, he said, "Just because you don't like us doesn't mean you can't have this."

"I never said I didn't like you," I protested as I took the ticket back, but he had turned around. He threw a wry glance at me over his shoulder as he was whisked away by the gaggle of girls. I laughed silently to myself and leaned back against the wall. David wandered over just as I got comfortable.

"What was that about?" he asked quietly, but with good humor.

"Oh, nothing," I said as nonchalantly as possible.

"Aw, come on. You two were making me jealous. God, I wish I could talk to all of them like you just talked to him. Tell me what you were talking about."

"Hmm...nothing much. I just told him what I thought about his music."

David's face fell. "You didn't...didn't say anything bad did you?"

"No. I told him that I respect what he's doing, and that as long as they believe in what they're doing, it doesn't matter what people think. I even went so far as to compliment him on the group's integrity."

Just then, we were interrupted by both A.J. and Kevin, who had wandered over. David stopped breathing, but I smiled at the pair as if I met celebrities everyday. I was surprised to realize that I had treated Brian as if he were just another guy and not some superstar celebrity. He hadn't even really affected me that way, and neither did these two, which was surprising, given how shy I usually am.

"Hi," Kevin said. "Brian told me we just had to come over and meet you." He stuck out his hand, which I shook. "I'm Kevin."

"Nice to meet you," I said politely. "I'm Josh Taylor, and the one who's turning blue is David Howard." With an impish wink to David, I turned to A.J. "Unless I miss my guess, you're A.J."

"Yup," A.J. grinned. He saw David's reaction, but to his credit, took it in stride. "Well, I'm guessing you really aren't a fan."

"True enough," I agreed amiably. "But as I told Brian, it's not that I don't like your music, it's just that I don't listen to it. I only know you because David is such a big fan of yours." There was a special emphasis on the word yours meant specially for A.J., which he caught. "By the way, how'd you know I'm not a fan?"

"Easy enough. You were standing on the wall over here and you didn't seem too interested in anything going on. You weren't trying to mingle like your friend here." He smiled a special smile just for David, and I thought David was going to piss his pants.

With a chuckle, I looked at Kevin and said, "I was telling Brian a little bit ago that I'm a musician myself, and there really isn't much that I don't like. Yeah, maybe I don't listen to your music, but to me, it's still as real as anything I write. Music is music, in any form, be it pop, rock, or whatever, and the fact that you've stayed true to what you believe and what you're good at is quite impressive. I think that's really what it comes down to: not trying to do something you can't. I mean, look at this following. You're doing something right. Sure, I bet more than a few of them are just here to see you and not listen to the music, but the fact remains that you're awfully good at what you're doing. You seem to enjoy doing it, and for that, I respect you."

A.J. laughed out loud. "Boy, oh boy, Brian was right. I wish more of our critics talked that way. All we hear is that the music isn't real because we didn't write it or because we don't play instruments. They don't seem to recognize that we like doing what we're good at."

"Plus," Kevin added, "like you said, we believe in this. Maybe it isn't the most important kind of music out there, but it's ours."

"And that's what I told Brian," I said. "I mean, screw what critics think. I'd rather form my own opinions than be told what to think by some stuffed-shirt sitting in some office, who criticizes things to cover their own inadequacy."

Kevin, A.J., and David all burst out laughing at the same time, and everyone stopped and looked over at the four of us. "Nice to know someone can think for themselves," A.J. remarked. He lowered his voice a bit. "Say, we're going clubbing after the show tonight. Think you can show us the good clubs?"

"Mm...sorry, but I can't. I'm, uh, I'm meeting someone after the show tonight." David looked at me in unfeigned surprise, and I continued, "David's really the party animal and he knows the local hot spots better than I do. I'm sure he'd be happy to show you around, being that it's his birthday."

The look of gratitude in David's eyes was worth more than anything he'd ever given me. "I-I'd love to," he stammered happily. "I mean, it's no trouble."

"Okay," Kevin nodded to A.J. "Happy birthday, David."

"Yeah, man," A.J. agreed. "Happy birthday. Too bad Josh can't come. We'd have a great time. David, go around back after the show and we'll find you."

David grinned and flashed me a puzzled look before answering, "Thanks. Well, Josh has done plenty for me today. I got dinner at my favorite restaurant plus the surprise of the pass and ticket in my birthday card about two hours ago."

"How nice," Kevin said. "And you decided to come with, huh?"

"Mm-hmm," I affirmed. Around us, the girls had gathered again, and most wore jealous expressions. "Well, it was nice talking to you, but I think there are a few people who'd like just a moment of your time."

A.J. and Kevin turned and left us alone. David glanced at me out of the corner of his eye and said, "So give. What's this previous engagement you have going on after the show tonight?"

I didn't want David to know. "It's...well, it's...not something I really want to talk about. I, uh, I met someone earlier today and we're going out a little later. Besides, even if I weren't busy, I probably wouldn't go. You wanted a chance to meet them, and you'll get your chance tonight. It doesn't really feel right for me to come."

"But they like you. You really ought to come."

"No, no." I already had something kind of cool to do. I was going to show someone I just met around town and maybe do something else. My impression of Brian was favorable. He seemed pretty easy-going and had a good sense of humor, and he was pretty bright from what I could tell. I found myself drawn to those intense blue eyes.

"If you're not going, at least tell me who you're going out with later."

"David," I said testily, "I said no. Leave it alone, okay? It's none of your business, so just back off."

"Well, saw-ry. No need to get pissy," he said, acting injured.

That grating tone irritated the hell out of me, but I forced a smile and tried to keep the anger out of my face. This was the biggest reason I'd dumped him: the aggravating, patronizing tone of voice he always used with me. "You know that I don't like it when you badger me like that. Maybe tomorrow, I'll tell you."

That seemed to content him, so he shut up. Not long afterward, the Boys had to leave to get ready for the show, so with one last group farewell, they took off. David and I headed out of the room and out onto the floor. We had to show our tickets to several people before we were allowed down there, but once we got there, we were less than ten feet in front of the stage. That meant we'd have a great view of everything onstage.

It was about seven-thirty, and already the Center was packed. Almost everyone there was female, and most were under twenty. As in the meet- and-greet session, quite a few had signs proclaiming love for the group, or the one favorite of the particular girl. They were really kind of cute, such young, lovesick girls. I thought with amusement that if any of them knew what I was going to do after the show, they'd do me injury out of jealousy. Fortunately, neither David nor I were in much of a conversing mood.

At precisely eight, the house lights dimmed and the group's opening act (I forget the name, stupid me) came out for a short set that was actually quite good. It was another boy group, but these guys looked a lot younger and were far less polished than their older counterparts. At around nine, after a fifteen minute intermission, the houselights darkened again and, in flashes of light and smoke, out came the Backstreet Boys, singing the opening to "Larger than Life."

Even though I wasn't much of a fan, I had to admit that I was impressed by the quality of the show they put on. They all had incredible amounts of energy and moved as if they could do it forever. In the middle of the show, this thought occurred to me and I was struck by how alive they were; how sure and strong. In that moment, as they danced and sang in their assortment of khaki shirts and pants, I saw them as more than merely performers. I saw them as almost divine figures: not angels, but as something close.

The show was superb. All were on their game, as they went through older songs like "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)," "I'll Never Break Your Heart," and the like, and also went through the stuff on the new album. On the song "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely," I thought (as did David) that Brian's voice was outstanding. He sang with such passion that it moved a few of the young ladies to tears. David remarked to me that A.J. and Brian both seemed to be on top of the world. They sang with more passion than he'd ever seen.

For many of the songs ("All I Have to Give," "As Long as You Love Me," "The One," "It's Gotta Be You") they danced with their dancers, dress changing from silk suits of varying colors to the khakis they eventually ended up in. Even though the harmonies were off a little, they were still fantastic, and I found myself into the music. David was into it to the point where he was dancing right along with all of the girls, and singing with all of the slower songs. At the end, they took their bows and walked off stage, amid thunderous applause.

"So, what'd you think?" David asked, after the show had ended, as we walked off the floor. "Like it?"

"Actually, I did," I said. "The show was great."

He seemed shocked. "You thought so?"

"Mm-hmm. I enjoyed it a lot."

"Really?"

"Yes," I said with a slight hint of annoyance. "I really did. It was an impressive show. Promise. I'm glad I came."

"Cool." He sighed. "Sure you don't want to come out tonight?"

"I'm sure. I told you that I'm meeting someone tonight, in about half an hour. I don't know what we're going to be doing, but I'm looking forward to it." I grinned and winked impishly at him. "Like I said before, if you're good, I may tell you who tomorrow."

"Well, can you just answer two questions?"

"No guarantees, but you can ask."

"Okay, is it a guy?"

A safe enough question. "Yes."

"Is he gay?"

Brian gay? I doubted it. "No, I don't think so."

"Oh. Well, that's okay, I guess." David looked and sounded relieved.

"I'm glad I have your permission, Dad," I said wryly. "Jealous?"

"Mm...should I be?"

"No. I guess not." I smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "So, what'd you think?"

His face lit up. "That was the most awesome show I have ever seen. God, I was practically drowning in my own drool. Those guys were hot and soooo talented."

"They are that...when they're on key. Did you notice that on, uh, "I Want It That Way," I think it was, that Nick and Howie were both kind of off? That happened in a lot of those songs. I mean, not to complain, but Howie's voice is almost too high to be any good. It really plays hell with the harmonies."

David shrugged. "I suppose so, but he's still got a good voice."

"Oh yeah," I agreed quickly. "It's just that when they're doing live shows, it would be better if he'd stick to a lower harmony. I agree wholly that he's got an excellent voice. They all do, but they could probably work together better."

David couldn't resist some gentle teasing. "I suppose if you were directing them, you could do better?" "Matter of fact," I mused thoughtfully, only half-joking. "Well, anyway, I should get going. Happy birthday, though."

"Why thank you. And thank you for the awesome tickets. I could not have asked for a better birthday. Somehow I knew you'd brighten the day for me." He reached over and hugged me before stepping away. "Well, go have a good time. Please tell me who it was tomorrow, okay?"

I shrugged and walked toward my car. I didn't think I'd ever tell David who I was going to go out with tonight. The prospect of going out, though, was quite appealing, although I wasn't entirely sure what I'd show him. Blackstone wasn't really a huge town and it didn't have a whole lot of attractions. Just your typical middle-sized city.

I got to the Hilton and took a seat as inconspicuously as possible. Already there were groups of girls hanging around outside, presumably hoping to catch a glimpse of the Boys as they headed up to their rooms. I sighed and prayed that Brian would come incognito or else we'd never get out of here. As I sat in my chair with a newspaper in hand, I glanced up occasionally to see more and more girls come to the hotel's front doors. Wonderful, I thought.

About twenty minutes after I got there, a young man dressed casually in blue jeans, a white shirt under a light fall jacket, dark shades and a baseball cap came over to where I sat. I wouldn't have recognized him if he hadn't spoken to me. "Hey, Josh. Ready?"

Startled, I looked closely at the stranger, who was Brian, of course, and then smiled. It was a good disguise. "You must run into this a lot," I commented, by way of greeting.

"Yeah," he sighed. "About everywhere we go, somehow they find out where we're staying."

"And yet you never lose your patience with them." I stood up and looked once again at the flock of young girls out front. "Let's go out the side. I don't think there will be quite as many there."

"Good plan." As we headed toward the side exit, I was proved right. Not a single person was by that door. "A very good plan."

"Mm," I agreed. "So what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. What's there to do in this town?"

"Not much." I hit on an idea. "Unless...do you like South Park?"

He grinned and it lit up his whole face, transforming him from merely handsome to truly gorgeous. It took my breath away momentarily. "Of course I do," he said, as if I had asked him the world's most stupid question.

"Well, there's a kind of South Park marathon on at the Twin at twelve- thirty tonight. It's about an hour and a half long."

His grin widened a bit. "I am so there, dude."

"Well, it's three unreleased episodes and then one classic." I hadn't seen it yet, and being a huge fan of the show, I wanted nothing more than to go see it.

"Way cool. What time is it now?"

I glanced at my watch. "Twenty to midnight."

Brian looked at me with surprise as we got into my car. "That's all? Jeez, we got done a lot earlier than I thought."

"It was a two hour show, you know. How you guys can do all that and have enough energy to go out afterward is beyond me."

"We're all in good shape, for one. Plus, we do this so much that it doesn't take as much out of us anymore. In the beginning, it wasn't easy to keep up the pace everyday." I was struck just then by his lightly rolling accent, oddly lovely in the serene setting, as if it fit. Relax, I told myself, grateful for the darkness that hid my blush. This guy is only going to be here tonight. No sense getting yourself wrapped up in him. He stretched and yawned. "Mmm...so did you like the show?"

"Well..." I teased, "Frankly, I was a bit disappointed. I had expected you all to start doing a strip tease to 'Everybody.'" Brian's jaw dropped just a bit. "Kidding, kidding. No, it was a good show. I was impressed. I think you may have just gotten a new fan."

"Really?"

"We'll see. So how long are you in town? Leaving tomorrow?"

Shaking his head, Brian glanced up out the passenger side window. "No. What's today? Friday? We're leaving Sunday morning for...Vegas, I think."

"You're doing Vegas?"

"Or maybe Reno. I'm never sure. I just know it's in Nevada, and we're playing Monday night." "Boy," I said, "it must be tough to remember the names of all the places you go. I bet you never stay in any long enough to get to know it really well. How frustrating."

Brian chuckled and relaxed into the seat. "Yeah, well, that's just one of the pitfalls of being us. Nice night."

"Sure is."

"So, where can we go to kill some time?"

"Other than the clubs, Blackstone doesn't have much to offer, I'm afraid. Of course, if you'd like, I could show you my outdoor retreat. It's not far from town, but almost no one knows about it."

"Sounds good. I'd like to forget, just for a minute, why we're here."

That statement caught me completely off-guard. I hardly knew this guy, but I already felt attached. The melancholy in his voice startled me. "So...is that why you didn't want to go clubbing?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "That and I don't really like clubbing, either. I don't drink and sometimes the guys give me a hard time for it. Besides that, I'd rather be away from them for once. That's another thing. We're around each other too much and it's better if we sometimes do our own things." His frankness seemed to surprise even him. From what I understood, he was shy around people he didn't know. But then again, I didn't know him that well, so I'd just reserve my judgments for later.

"I know the feeling," I murmured. "I'm not much for going out either, and since I don't drink, I get raked over the coals all the time. It's not mean, necessarily, but my friends tend to get insulted when I don't drink."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." I shut up. For the rest of the ten-minute drive, neither of us said much. I fell into my usual habit of being quiet around people I didn't know very well. He did the same, although I wasn't sure if that was his normal habit.

The place I had in mind was a secluded little overhang situated on an area just called The Bluffs. There was an old, barely used trail that led up to a vantage where, in the daylight, you could see over an entire valley. Just below, there was a waterfall, which under the pale light from the moon, was just visible. The rest of the view was muted. It was tough to make out all of the pretty scenery at night. It had a washed-out, almost ethereal quality.

Brian said little as we made our way up. I knew one thing about him: he didn't particularly like heights. They didn't bother me too badly now, but I remember feeling the same way when I was younger. "It's kind of high up," I remarked, as we approached the overhang.

"How...how high?" he asked, in a tight, strangled voice.

"About two hundred feet, but I promise it's safe. The overhang is big enough to hold five people, and it's not too far down from the top of the bluff, here. That drop is only about ten feet and there is a very easy trail. It's not steep or slick, so you'll be okay. I used to be terrified of heights too, but I'm not afraid to come here."

He seemed somewhat placated and not in the least defensive about his fear of heights, which was surprising. He just followed me down the gently sloping trail, which had plenty of handholds, in any case. A minute later, we got down to the ledge and sat down. The waterfall just below ran on and on without any kind of fuss. Brian sat down toward the back of the ledge and looked out.

"It's nice," he remarked. "I bet it's really pretty in the daytime."

"Sure. You can come up tomorrow, if you want." I grinned as I realized what I'd just said. And to whom. "Mm...scratch that. I'll bet you're pretty busy tomorrow."

But to my surprise, he said, "No, actually, we don't have much to do tomorrow, and I'd like to see this place in the daytime. So...can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead." I was sure he was going to ask me if I was gay.

He didn't. "Um, don't take this the wrong way, but is David gay?" he asked almost shyly.

I chuckled. I'd sat down next to him, and glanced over at him. "Why?"

"Well, he just...struck me as the type when I saw him backstage. Pardon me for being stereotypical, but he just had an effeminate manner. The lisp and everything."

"He is." I still kept my smile, but asked somewhat apprehensively, "Does that bother you?"

"No, no," he assured me. "Not at all. No, that doesn't bother me." He was being perfectly frank again. "So, Josh, tell me about yourself. It's not often I get a chance to sit and talk with someone my own age. I guess. How old are you?"

"Twenty-four. I was born in San Antonio, Texas, lived there until I was five, moved to Denver, lived there 'til I was fourteen, and then moved here. I'm a student at Blackstone University here, an education and music major, set to graduate in a month. I'm hoping to become a music teacher." With a twinkle in my eye, I continued. "I like to read, write, make music. I also like to hike, camp, play golf, basketball, tennis, football, and baseball. Hmmm...oh, and I like animals too. I have a puppy and kitty." I said that exactly as I'd seen David do that for a video dating service. Same sotto voice and everything.

Brian appreciated the humor, apparently, for he burst out laughing. "Sorry," he gasped out. "That reminded me of a time that a friend of mine went to one of those dating services. You sounded just like that. And one of the girls that follow us around."

"I should be insulted," I said with a matching grin. "But you saw through me. Yeah, David did one of those once and that's what he sounded like."

"Speaking of David, how in the world did you two get to be friends? I mean...you two look like two opposite extremes."

We were that, I agreed silently. I wondered if he wouldn't be too insulted by my being gay, if he didn't have too much of a problem with David's being that way. "Well, Freshman year, we were roommates," I answered slowly. "We didn't talk much at first, but once we finally got over the high school attitude thing, we got along pretty well."

"Did...did he ever come on to you?" Brian's question had been casual enough, but there was something else underneath it.

I glanced at him sideways. "You mean did I know he was gay then? Sure. He was very candid and up front from day one. And yeah, after a while, he did come on to me. I don't know why, but he did."

"What happened?"

Hesitating momentarily, wondering wildly whether or not to say anything, I stared at my hands before answering softly, "Uhm, well, at first, I...pushed him back. But after a while, I just let it go, and we were lovers for two...almost two years."

Brian caught the implications immediately. "So...so you're gay too?" There was something I didn't like in his tone.

"Yeah," I said, trying not to be defensive.

But Brian just looked out across the pale landscape and said, "Oh." After a moment's pause, he turned to me with a smile and asked, "Really?"

I knew then that he didn't have a problem with it. It sounded like he just didn't believe it. "Yep."

"That's a little surprising. You don't look like the type."

"I wasn't aware there was a certain look we had."

"I'm sorry. That was rude, wasn't it?" He laughed a bit to cover his embarrassment. "No, I just meant you just seem like you'd be a ladies' man. I saw a lot of those girls looking at you earlier today, and they looked like they wanted into your pants."

"Could you be any more blunt?"

"Probably." He was starting to relax, finally, and his sense of humor was starting to show through. "I could say that a lot of those ten- year-old girls looked like they wouldn't mind you taking their cherry."

"Okay, okay!" I exclaimed, but I was laughing. "That's enough. They're the wrong gender for me to even find that remotely sexy."

"Hey wait," Brian said, looking at me. "Didn't you say before you were disappointed that we didn't do a striptease on stage? Did you really mean that?"

I fell back laughing so hard I couldn't see. "Y-Yeah," I choked out. "I w-wanted to see all of you dancing...dancing a-around in your underwear. Or naked. Of course, that w-would have started r-rioting, I'm sure." I wondered if perhaps I had gone a bit too far with that. Brian didn't say a word, just sat and stared at me.

After a moment's silence, he joined me and we laughed until tears came out of our eyes. I couldn't believe how relaxed and at ease I felt. It wasn't just that I was at home around Brian. It's that before, with almost any guy I met and liked, I got tongue-tied and couldn't really relax until we'd been friends for a while. Here I was, though, totally at home and comfortable around someone I just met. Who was a celebrity, no less.

It was kind of odd, considering. David, who was, as I said, a huge Backstreet fan, was also into reading gay stories and stuff like that on the Internet. He told me that he occasionally went to a website that had gay fantasy stories about celebrities and read a lot of stories about Brian. It was unusual, David had remarked, the number of stories that featured Brian as the main character and as being gay, compared to the rest of the group. At the time, I hadn't cared. It didn't make a dime's worth of difference to me. But now, thinking back on what David had said, I wondered if maybe there was a reason for that. Of course, I also heard David say that he had a girlfriend. In any case, it didn't matter. I was having a good time with a new friend.

I cleared my throat. "Um...so, tell me about yourself, Brian."

"Well, okay." He proceeded to tell me a little about his life, his family, what he liked to do, stuff like that. He told me in an easy, joking manner that I imagined he used around his friends. I learned a lot more details about him than I'd given. But there was a reason for that. At the end, he looked at me carefully and asked, "Can I trust you with a secret, Josh?"

"Only if you want to. I promise that I won't ever tell anyone, should you choose to tell me."

"That's good enough. You've heard that I have a girlfriend, right?" I nodded. "Well...the truth is that...she's not really my girlfriend. I'm...she's basically just a cover. I'm...well...uh, I'm gay too. Funny thing is that no one knows about it but me and one other person."

It shouldn't have been that big of a shock, but for some reason, I felt like someone had hit me over the head with silly putty. "Really? That's...that's kind of a surprise. Why'd you tell me? I mean, you don't even know me very well, and in a couple of days, you're going to be moving along, and this will have been nothing more than a stop on the road."

"I don't know," he answered. "I just...well, I'm surprised myself. It's kind of weird, but I'm just comfortable around you. Don't ask why. I'm not coming onto you, either. I bet someone like you has a hoard of boyfriends, anyway."

Clever, I thought with a barely suppressed grin. It was his indirect way of asking if I was taken or not. So, I just shrugged. "No, can't say as I have any right now. Not that it matters, right?"

He shifted impatiently on the rocks. "Are you saying we could never be lovers?"

"No. I'm just saying that with your schedule now, and the fact that we're living two separate lives, it just wouldn't work. I'm looking for love, but I'm not quite ready to give up my life dreams yet. And I'm sure you wouldn't want to give up your music career, right? I mean, not when it's so huge." I sighed. I didn't like this conversation one bit. "Besides, I'm sure you meet a lot of good guys out there on the road, right? You never know when real love may find you. Not just some one day fling."

"Do you know everything?" he asked suddenly, sensing, as I did that this conversation was a bad idea. "I mean, you have answers for everything. And dammit, they're so right."

"I don't know everything," I sighed. "I'm just unfortunate enough to have been born with a really strong logical side that objectively rationalizes everything. Kind of like Mr. Spock, but more human. I call things like I see them." With a grin, I said, "Don't get me wrong, Brian. I could jump into the sack with you right now and be selfish for the next two days, but there's this thing called conscience. I couldn't jump into anything unless I knew it was more stable, you know. Not just one of those long distance relationships."

"Oh. Hmm...what time is it?"

"Long past time for us to be getting back, I think. We've sufficiently alienated one another enough for one night." I sighed again, and this one made my heart ache. I was lonely, badly lonely. Despite what I'd told Brian, I would quite willingly follow him into bed and never look back. Those incredible eyes stirred something in my heart that I hadn't felt in a long time, perhaps since I was small.

Brian could see I felt really bad about what I'd said, so before we got to the car, he laid a hand gently on my arm and said, "Look, I appreciate your honesty, Josh. I...I don't know how to tell you this, exactly, but...your honesty means more to me that crawling into the sack for a roll in the hay. I mean, yeah, we could do it, and I think you wouldn't mind, but I'd mind. I'm in it for a long-term thing."

Somewhat taken aback by his turn of phrase, I looked into those vivid blue eyes and smiled, "Thank you. This...this didn't exactly turn out like I thought it would."

"Kind of awkward, you mean?"

"Really, really awkward. I don't know how in the world we got on the subject of relationships, anyway. I hardly know who you are, and you don't know much about me. But...can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Usually, when I'm around people I like, I tend to get embarrassed, blushing, and tongue-tied all at the same time. It's not like that here, and it's kind of nice to just be able to talk to someone I don't know without feeling like I have to be doing something or be someone special."

Brian looked at me shrewdly. "Are you saying most people don't get to see the real Josh?"

Damn, he was perceptive. "I guess so. Thank you."

"For what?"

I just shrugged and stepped toward my door. "Another time, another place, maybe."

On the ride back, the subject changed. "So you're a musician?" Brian asked.

"Yeah, actually."

"What kind?"

"Instrumental, and a writer."

"Cool. What instrument?"

"Instruments," I corrected. "I play piano, primarily, then violin, sax, trumpet, drums, guitar, some flute and a bit of the harp."

"That's impressive. How long have you been playing them?"

"Piano, guitar, and violin since I was five, sax, trumpet since I was ten, and the rest since I was fifteen. I've always just loved making my own music. I've written about fifty songs in the last thirteen years." I wasn't trying to brag, really, just telling Brian what I did.

He was really impressed. "Did you ever play in a band?"

"Once, when I was sixteen, but it didn't work. I was the only one who was really serious about it. Now, I teach lessons on everything but the trumpet, harp, and drums. I teach ten students a day for five days a week." That was something I was proud of. I enjoyed working with the kids and watching them as they went from shy, awkward little players into good, solid players. There was one thing I always demanded, and it was that they practice as much as possible. I didn't like to teach to kids who didn't want to learn, so I demanded that they practice at least an hour a day. Surprisingly, almost all of them did, even the younger kids. I was going to miss it.

"Sounds like you have everything in order."

"I try to."

After that, the conversation turned to far less serious topics and I began to relax again and laugh as Brian entertained me with his wide variety of antics, ranging from an excellent Cartman voice to Jim Carrey-esque impressions. If I hadn't been driving, I'd have been rolling around clutching my sides. As it was, I had to stop for a minute and wipe the tears out of my eyes.

"Screw music," I said, in all seriousness. "You should have been a comedian."

"You think so?"

"Uh-huh." I wiped another tear out of my eye and glanced at the clock. We had plenty of time to get to the theater. The rest of the drive was pretty quiet after that, but it was okay. We'd gotten past that uncomfortable moment back at the Bluffs. Not for the first time, I wondered why we'd had that conversation in the first place. It was so unusual, so not like me to be so forward with anyone. Still...those blue eyes, if they had offered, would have gotten me. I'd never, in all my life, felt so quickly fallen. I realized with a shock and a start that I'd fallen for him. Dios mio. What was this going to mean?

When we got to the theater, he paid for the tickets, which was cool. Then he sprang for junk food, despite my protests. Then we settled in to watch, along with thirty or so others, the antics of the young South Parkers and the many and varied ways in which young Kenny was killed. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" "You bastards!" I laughed and laughed, and so did Brian. By the time we got out of there, I was willing to bet, Brian would be doing Cartman nonstop.

"Oh man, that ruled!" Brian exclaimed as we headed out.

"Yeah," I agreed pleasantly, relishing the cool night air. The stars were out in force, and the moon shone her pale, ghostly light down on the quiet town. "Kick ass!"

In his best Eric Cartman voice, just as I had predicted, Brian said, "Mom, kitty's being a dildo!" We both doubled over laughing so hard tears spurted out of our eyes and we sagged against each other. There was nothing sexual about it.

We got to the car once we were under control, and I asked, "Do you want me to take you back to your hotel?"

He looked at the clock and shook his head. "Nah. I'm not tired, unless you need to do anything tomorrow and need to get to bed."

"No, can't say as I do. What do you want to do?"

"Oh, I don't know. What else can we do in this little town?"

"Well, how about we go back my house? I can show you my music studio." Once again, there was nothing to that suggestion but a friendly gesture.

"Okay," he said. "I want to see how good a musician you really are."

"What? You think I'm lying?" I was just joking, mostly.

"No, no," he took great pains to assure me. "I'm curious."

"Okay, then." Once again, Brian kept me well entertained with outrageous jokes and impressions. It seemed to me that he was surprised at himself for being so at ease and relaxed around me. Sometimes he would stop and look at me and then out the window before launching into a new string of gut-wrenchingly funny jokes and voices. I couldn't remember laughing so hard in my life. Another time...another place, I thought wistfully, wishing I could have those words back.

We ended up at my house, which was situated just outside of town in a nice neighborhood. I lived alone in a two-story, three bedroom house with my puppy, Max, and cat Whiskey. The house itself was modern, new and good-looking, white with forest green trim, shrubs along the sidewalk that opened to my front walk, and trees dotted the front yard. There was a fence in the back, of course, so Max, a young German Shepherd, couldn't get out. The studio was around back, something I had built myself a month after I got the house.

How did I get it? Did I rent? No. I owned the place. I was not quite wealthy, but I had plenty of money. Besides that, I'd purchased a fixer-upper for relatively cheap and then invested a great deal of time and effort fixing it up. Now it was worth almost double what I paid for it. So, in a month, when I left, I could get more out of it than what I put into it.

The inside had new carpeting, done in shades mostly of light blue and gray. In the living room, there was no TV. I had off-white furniture: a couch and loveseat. Between them was an oak-with-glass-inlay table that was just light-colored enough to really set off the color in the couches and floor. There was a small end table with a black glass lamp on it. There were some small, neat paintings on the wall, and other than that, the room was pretty bare and neat.

Back in the living area, there was a kitchen, done in the same colors of pale blue and off-white, along with a peach color and light green. I had a new and modern kitchen, and was an okay cook. I wouldn't swear by my cooking because it wasn't that good. My bedroom had a more lived-in feel, but I kept it as neat as the rest of the house. It had light blue carpet, a midnight blue bedspread with dark green pillows, gray curtains and oak furniture. My studio, which was through the basement, was pretty nice, done in the same tones. I'd always liked decorating, making a room look its best through minimal use of color and things. Not that I ever told anyone about it.

"Do you own this place?" Brian asked, as we headed into the basement.

"Yes, I do."

"You live here alone?"

"Mm-hmm. Sometimes my friends come over here and stay when they need a place to crash, but mostly, it's me and Max and Whiskey. My animals."

"Oh. How long have you lived here?"

I thought back. "I guess about...six years now." I pushed open the door to the studio and headed in.

Brian had stopped moving when I'd answered. He stood just inside the door, staring at me. "Alone? You've lived here alone for six years?"

"Yeah." For a second, I was confused as to why he was so flabbergasted, but then I realized how that sounded. "Oh, my parents...died quite a while ago, and rather than be shut in a foster home, I took off and ended up here." That was only partly true, but also something I didn't want to deal with, so I let it go at that and took a seat at the piano. It was a shiny black baby grand that sounded so wonderful and soft. I let my fingers find their way to the keys and played a bit of "Canon in D" by Pachelbel. That was one of my all time favorites.

"That's pretty," Brian remarked. "What is it?"

"Hmm? Oh, Canon in D." I grinned and launched into something more familiar. 'Show Me the Meaning' took on a life of its own on the piano. Okay, so I had been holding back a little. I did know their music because David always played it when I was around, mostly, I suspected, to annoy me. So, since I was able to play almost anything I heard knew how to play a lot of their music on the piano. I was bored. What can I say? Besides, that was my favorite song out of any of the ones David liked.

When I finished, Brian looked at me with some surprise. "Was that-?"

"Yeah," I answered with a sheepish grin and a blush. "I told you I'm not a fan, but the thing is that I like music, and since I've heard your CDs so many times, it just kind of comes out like that. I can do that with a lot of songs."

"That was cool. I liked it that way. Maybe I should talk to our band about putting piano with it next time." He started laughing. "I think you've been holding out on me, Josh. I think you're just a closet fan."

"Is that like being a closet gay?" I shot back.

"Whoa!" Brian exclaimed, sitting back with wide eyes. "Where'd that come from?" He sounded slightly insulted.

"Sorry. That was rude. I meant to say that I'm...aw hell...I don't know." To cover my embarrassment, I stood up and grabbed one of the guitars from the stand close to the piano. "You play?"

"Me? Some." He took the proffered guitar and ran his fingers experimentally over the strings lengthwise before settling it into his lap and strumming a few chords. He played something I had never heard before, but I liked it. It had a simple melody, nothing flashy, but definitely sincere. When he finished, he looked up at me expectantly. "Know what that was?"

"Not a clue."

"Really? That was my song. 'That's What She Said,' although I guess it should have been 'That's What He Said'." He sighed. "Me and Tommy, one of our band, wrote that a long time ago."

"Hmm. Can you play anything else?"

"Oh yeah. I can play quite a bit. I've been getting guitar lessons on the side during down time and on the road. Usually, A.J., Kevin, and Howie are the party animals. Nick used to stay in a lot, but now he goes out more than he used to. And me, like I told you, I don't like to go out that much, so I spend nights playing my guitar or stuff like that." He smiled and looked around the room. "This is really nice. How can you afford this place?"

"Well, I teach lessons, for one. That's to the tune of sixty bucks a month per student. I have fifty students, so that's around three grand a month. Plus, I have...a small nest egg." That's all I would say on that subject. I knew he was dying to know more, and I wanted to tell him, but I wasn't sure I trusted myself. Not yet. Probably not ever. As much as I liked Brian as a friend, he'd be gone forever in just a day, so there was no point in getting too emotionally wrapped up in him.

He stood up from the chair and walked over to the two computers I kept in the studio. Those were for the kids' use. When one was at lesson, another could go into the other room and use the composing software, work on sight reading, or play some of the music games I had in there. The kids didn't know it, but back behind the shelf with the educational stuff were two double shelves full of computer games. I must have had around two hundred of them. Kind of like my Playstation and N64 stuff. I had around 350 games for the Playstation and around 80 for N64.

"Nice computers," he said.

"Yep. They're pretty new. I upgraded them a couple of weeks ago, so they're not quite obsolete yet." That wasn't a joke. Unfortunately, electronic equipment like my computers got old at a horribly alarming rate. "Well, that's not quite true. The housing and monitors are both older, but the insides have been totally replaced. New motherboards, Pentium chips, expanded memory, DVD on the right one. I did that myself."

Brian's eyebrows raised and he gave me another odd look. "This is a nice place. Did you say you're leaving in a month?"

"Maybe. I'm done with college in a month, but I may stay here until I get a steady job somewhere."

"Bet you could get a lot out of it now."

"I imagine. It's worth about double what I paid for it. This place was a wreck when I got it, but I fixed it up, added the studio myself."

Brian turned to look at me strangely. "Is there anything you can't do?"

I pretended to think about that for a moment. "Well, I can't do math very well. I got to trig and lost it. Mm...I can't dance very well, I don't deal with a lot of people well; I don't say what I think much. I don't deal with my feelings at all. I'm shy, I don't like a lot of people, I don't have a lot of friends." My words picked up force as I got to the last bit, and I was surprised by the bitterness in my voice. "Yeah, I can make music, I can write it. I can make things, I can build computers, I can play a lot of instruments. I can teach kids how to play music. I can do a lot of things that require solitary activity, including jerking off." Turning away quickly to hide the tears that had leaked out, I waited for Brian to leave me alone. After that barrage, I was so sure he'd leave, just disgusted with me.

But instead, I felt a warm pair of hands on my cheeks, turning me back so I was looking into those incredible blue eyes again. "I'm sorry to have upset you," Brian murmured, using his talented fingers to wipe the tears off my cheeks. "I just...Josh, you just keep surprising me. I've never met a more independent person in my life. It startled me a bit. That's all. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I managed to smile a little feeling better for the contact. If he had asked, indeed I'd have been his. "It's okay. I'm not usually like this. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry too."

"It's okay. I think it'd be better if we just stayed off personal things, don't you? Things just seem to get too tense when we talk about it." He withdrew his hands and took his chair again. "So play something you wrote for me."

Feeling steadier, I thought for a long moment about what the best piece to play would be. I had a lot of old pieces and finally settled on one I'd written years before. It was a soft, painful piece that had come into existence after a long journey. There were words, too, but I had enough pride to not sing around Brian. For God's sake, the guy made a career out of it, and I didn't need to offend his ears with my horrid voice.

"That's pretty," he said, once I looked at him. "It really is, Josh. When did you write it?"

"Oh, about eight years ago, I guess."

"Are there any lyrics?"

"Uh-huh." About half of my music had lyrics and half didn't. Some I hadn't gotten around to writing, and others just didn't need words. This one was one of them, but I wrote them anyway.

"Would you sing them for me?"

I shook my head. "Mm...no."

"Why not?"

I laughed aloud. "Ha...because I don't have a very good voice, and I wouldn't want to rupture your eardrums."

"Aw, how bad can it be? Come on, Josh. I promise I won't laugh." His eyes seemed to beg.

How could I resist such beautiful blue eyes? Hesitantly, I struck up the opening chords for 'Dark Passage' again and let my voice join it with great trepidation. I couldn't bear to look at Brian as I sang. My face felt hot and I knew it was red, but I couldn't help it. When I finished, I ducked my head and stared at my fingers.

Brian didn't say anything for a long time. Finally I had to look at him, and he was smiling. "What are you so embarrassed about? You have a nice voice."

I thought he was just being nice so I couldn't answer. "Er, thanks."

"I'm serious, Josh," Brian said with force. "That's a good song, and you have a good voice. If you have more songs like that, I'd say forget teaching music. You could be a great solo act." He sighed. "I wish I could write songs like that."

Frowning, I asked, "Why can't you?"

His frown matched mine. "Because I'm just not that good. I can't play guitar well enough to make it sound like...like yours. Complicated but good."

"You don't have to make it sound complicated. Simple is usually better. All of my songs started out like that and get more complicated over time. Try it."

"What? Now? You want to write a song?"

"Why not? Maybe I can show you a thing or two I've learned over the years while I've done this. If you're interested, that is. I mean, it's no skin off my nose if you don't want to do it."

Brian's smile almost took my breath away. "I think I'd like that."

"What kind do you want to do?" I asked quietly.

"Let's do a slow love song."

I wrinkled my nose but nodded. "If you want to."

"Hmm...how about a ballad instead. Something a little...darker, harder, maybe. Just for fun." His eyes were unfocused, suddenly, and distant.

"All right," I said quietly. "What kind of darker do you have in mind?"

"Oh, I don't know. Kind of like this..." He started picking out a soft, almost delicate and intricate melody. My jaw dropped a little at how well he played it. It was perfect.

For the next two hours, we worked on the song. Brian worked on the chords on the guitar, while I tinkered with the melody on the piano. As we worked, we also went over lyrics until we found some that fit. It was definitely not a Backstreet style song, I thought at first, until I thought about it again. Maybe it could be. They didn't have any set kind of style.

The song was about a different subject. It was an honest song, about life on the road from a Backstreet perspective. At first, the concept reminded me of Bob Seger's 'Turn the Page' but then Brian came out with a line that went, "Have no time for new friends/Life on the road never ends/Can't even know the ones I meet/Life is tough on these back streets." Okay, so it wasn't incredibly poetic, but it was real. Brian and I sang it together, and I liked the way it went.

At around four-thirty, I stretched my back, surprised to realize just how much time had gone by. I still wasn't quite tired yet, so I kept on tinkering with the song. Finally, just after five, we knocked off. "Good song," I murmured.

"I can't believe this," Brian remarked. "I met you less than twelve hours ago and here we are writing a song. How weird. You know, that meet and greet session we had? We don't usually do it that way. In fact, we were just going to have a normal session where all the girls just come to us. That was the first time we've done it like that in over a year."

"Really? And if I hadn't gone into the gas station when I did, I never would have gotten the tickets." I raised and eyebrow. "Coincidence?"

"I don't know. You know, though, we were actually thinking of canceling that m-and-g session. Nick, Kevin, and I persuaded our manager not to." His eyes narrowed. "Hmm. Interesting."

"That's weird," I muttered. "Too damn weird for my taste."

"Yeah," Brian agreed uneasily. "What time is it?"

He liked to ask that when things got a little uncomfortable, I noticed. "A little after five. You tired?"

"Very."

"Want me to take you back to the hotel?"

"How far away is that?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Then no. Can I just crash here tonight?"

"Sure. That's what my spare rooms are for." I put everything away, locked up the studio and showed Brian to his room. It was right next to mine and just as nice. "Bathroom's at the end of the hall. It's the door on the end."

"Thanks." He went into the room and closed the door. I threw on my nightshirt and boxers and when my head hit the pillow, I was almost immediately asleep.

The annoying ring of the telephone on my nightstand brought me struggling out of my dreams. A glance at the clock told me it was only ten. "Hello?" I answered thickly.

"Josh? It's David. Did I wake you?"

"Yeah."

"Really? God, usually you're up by six."

"I didn't go to bed until five this morning."

David sounded surprised, and then suggestive. "So, your date went well, eh?"

"I was working on a song, thank you," I answered primly. "Is there a reason you called?" I closed my eyes while I listened.

"I wanted to brag about how last night went. Want to hear it?"

"You'd tell me if I didn't, so go ahead."

"It was so cool. God, those guys have some incredible stamina. I got back home at around two, and when I left, Kevin, Howie, and A.J. were still partying like there was no tomorrow." He laughed and then sobered. "They want to go to lunch with both of us today."

"Did you talk to them this morning?"

"Yes. I gave them my number last night. Say, do you know where Brian is?"

I thought it best if I didn't say anything about Brian being at my house. People could get the wrong idea, especially since no one knew about him yet. "Why in the world would I know that?"

"Well, Kevin told me that he never came back to the hotel last night."

"That's odd."

David was clueless. "Yeah. We're going to Jade's for lunch at noon. Come if you want, around noon." He paused momentarily. "So...who'd you see last night? Anyone I know?"

"Oh, maybe."

"Come on, Josh. Tell me who it was."

"No." Not on your life, buddy. Not until Brian tells his group, I thought.

"Fine. Are you coming to Jade's?"

"Yeah, I guess." I sighed and shifted tiredly on the bed.

"Okay. I just hope they find Brian before we go."

I didn't answer that. "Well, I'm going to get ready, and I'll meet you over there."

"All right. See you there." He hung up and I flung my arm over my eyes, so I didn't see Brian leaning on the doorframe. "They miss me much?"

"They're worried. You should probably call them."

"Good idea. Thank you for your tact, by the way. I don't know what they would have said if I'd told them." He rubbed his hand over his chin and combed down his corkscrewed hair. He really was gorgeous. He just had a T-shirt and his boxers on and I could see the muscular lines of his body, so strong and smooth. Just like a young Adonis.

"How long have you known about yourself?" I asked suddenly, curious.

"Oh, about two years or better. I've had just one...relationship in that time, and I had to be really careful. I want to tell people, but I'm just afraid of what they'll think."

"They're your friends aren't they?" I was talking about the other BSB members. "Don't you think they'd understand? You've been discrete about it, obviously, if they don't have any idea."

"Yeah, well, we've run into a lot of gays, just by virtue of being us and not everyone is as...open minded as I'd like." He sighed. "I wish I could tell them, tell everyone, but I...I just can't."

"It's okay," I assured him as I rolled out of bed. "Go on. Call Kevin, while I take a shower. Then you can have yours and we'll go over to Jade's together. Do you know what you're going to tell them?"

"Pretty sure. I think I'm just going to tell them the truth." He looked at me carefully before asking, "Do you mind if I tell them about the song?"

I shrugged. "It's just as much yours, so you may as well." I sighed and wondered how I was going to explain this to David. He'd kill me. I'd never really lied to him like this before. Of course, it wasn't that big of a deal, either. I thought about a lot of things as I ran through a quick shower and shave. I didn't really need it, but I did it out of habit. For some reason, I just didn't have a lot of hair on my body, and what I did have didn't grow very fast.

After I was dressed and clean, I walked into the living room to see Brian out back playing with Max. I realized that I'd forgotten all about those two last night. I knew Whiskey was going to be really pissed about being left outside last night. I joined them outside.

"I see you've met Max," I said, picking up the little fur ball that ran over to me when I came outside. He was such a sweet little puppy, mostly black, but with some darker brown along the belly. Only two months old, he was still little, but his parents had been pure-bred shepherds, so I knew he'd grow up to have the typical coloring: black back, russet ears, tan underbelly and legs, black muzzle with two black moles on either side of his face. But for now, he was just black and brown, and cute as could be. I felt a nip at my heel and looked down to see Whiskey, a stray tabby I'd taken in, looking up at me with those unforgiving eyes of his. I reached down anyway and rubbed the short hairs on his nose, where he liked it, and he forgave me.

"And this must be Whiskey," Brian said, reaching down to pet the cat. Usually, Whiskey was skittish around strangers, but this time, he allowed Brian to pet him, especially when Brian scratched his favorite spot: just behind the ears.

"He likes you," I remarked. "Did you call Kevin?"

"Mm-hmm. I told him that I ran into you after the show and we went to see a late movie and then came here for a while. He wasn't at all suspicious, thankfully. Actually, he wanted to know if you wanted to come up to Phoenix with us later."

"That'd be fine." I walked into the garage and got food for the two animals and when I came out, Brian had gone back into the house. "Hey, Brian," I called. "There's a new toothbrush under the sink, and everything else you need is in there."

"Okay, thanks."

We walked into Jade's together, the last ones to arrive. We'd stopped by the hotel so Brian could change. Everyone looked up at us when we walked in, but said nothing at all. David flashed me a very dirty look as I took a seat between him and Brian. The room we were eating in was relatively private, a back room, away from the front entrance so that people coming in didn't see us.

"So..." A.J. started, once we were settled in, "what'd you do last night, Rok?"

"I went to this really cool South Park film festival with Josh at midnight, and then we ended up at his place and wrote a song together. This guy is an incredible musician. He plays like seven different instruments and can write music like no one I've ever seen." Brian looked at me the whole time he said that. For my part, all I could do was just blush and duck my head. And wince when a hard kick landed on my shin.

"You lied to me," David shot out of the corner of his mouth.

"Yeah. So?" I asked, in a normal voice. "It was none of your business."

"None of my...Josh, dammit, I have a right to know who you're sleeping with!"

My next breath was sharp, stabbing my lungs. I grimaced and glanced at the other guys, who were looking at the two of us, trying to hide their shock and embarrassment. "Guys, I am really sorry about this. David doesn't know what the hell he's talking about." I stood up, dragged David away from the table, and then looked back at the table. "I don't know if I'll be back, but excuse me anyway. There are a few things he and I need to talk about."

Once we were outside, I used all of my strength to slam my best friend into the wall. "What in the fuck do you think you're doing?" I snarled. "You have no idea what's going on, and for you to insinuate that anything is going on between me and Brian is fucked up. He's not even gay for Christ's sake! I told him I was, but he's not. None of them are." The lie burned my tongue, but I kept my face fairly neutral.

David looked at me with sullen brown eyes. "You lied to me, Josh."

I didn't budge one inch. "So what? Yeah, I went out with him last night, and I had a great time. He just didn't want anyone to know because he was afraid people would think things that weren't true. Like you, you stupid son-of-a-bitch. Why the hell do you think I didn't tell you? I didn't want you to get the wrong idea. We didn't finish writing the damn song until five this morning. He didn't want to have me drag him back to the hotel, so he crashed in my spare room. He called Kevin this morning and told him after you called."

"Josh, let me go." David's tone had gone from angry to defeated. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I guess I just...I don't want you to get hurt."

That pissed me off all over again. "David, just leave." I pushed him once more and let him go. "You have no right to think you can run my life. I don't care how much you want to protect me. It's none of your business who I do things with, and my love life is not grounds for public discussion. I don't know what gives you the right to even think that, but it's wrong. Do you know that some of those guys aren't that tolerant of gays?"

"N-no." His eyes dropped to the cement.

"I thought so. Just go, okay? Save us all the trouble."

He turned on me. "What about you? They know you're gay now, too. Do you think they're going to be that accepting of you?"

"Yes, I do. I've got something you don't."

"What's that?" David's face was contorted with his anger, and suddenly I felt bad for hurting his feelings. "Did you lie to me again? Are you fucking Brian?"

"No!" Oh, that pushed me over the edge. "Fuck it. Go home, David."

"No. I came here to eat lunch with them. You leave."

"Fine," I said coldly. "Enjoy your lunch." I shoved past him and then walked away, trembling in anger. I heard David call my name, but ignored it. I was furious with him, utterly and fully. I couldn't believe him. Dammit, it's my life, I thought angrily. No one has any right to tell me how to run it. Especially not him. David saw me as a vulnerable little child who needed to be protected. The truth was that I was neither vulnerable nor a child. I'd been alone for ten years and knew more about living that he did. He'd never last a year on the streets, whereas I'd had to become tough to survive.

Just before I got to my car, another voice brought me up short. "Josh, wait up!" It was Brian, of course. This was getting way to predictable.

"What do you want?" I asked, as he drew near.

"To talk to you for just a second."

"Look," I said calmly, not really looking at him, "this isn't any of your business. I feel bad for making everything awkward. I have a habit of doing that, and I can't figure out why. So, let me say I'm sorry, and then I'll go."

"No, don't go. It's okay," he said.

"It is not," I argued. "Brian, I was stupid for even thinking we could be just friends. I knew something like this would happen if David found out. That's why I didn't want to tell him."

"Would you just listen for a second? David apologized for the confusion, but...Josh, he's made a bigger problem. It's going to be so hard for me to come out to them now. Did you tell him I'm not gay?"

"Did you want me to say you were?" I countered.

"No."

"I told him you weren't. I figured you were still trying to protect your image." I finally looked up into his incredible blue eyes, which were dark with trouble. "Brian, why don't you just tell them?" I shook my head. "Man, screw it. You know what? It's not even my problem. I don't know why you dragged me into this. I'm just some guy you met on a stop along the way. In a day, you're going to leave and forget all about this stupid place and forget you ever knew me." I turned away.

A pair of rough hands turned me back and before I could even blink, a pair of warm lips were smashed up against mine, greedily claiming me. My knees went weak, and I had to lean up against my car so I wouldn't fall as electric shocks shot through my body. In all my life, I'd never had such an incredible kiss. But I was the one who broke it off and pushed him away.

"Don't do this to me," I said harshly. "You know I won't say no to you."

He studied his hands for a long moment and then looked at me. "Yeah, I do know. I'm sorry. I guess you were right. Nothing good could have come out of this." His eyes became hopeful. "Can we be friends? Contrary to what you think, I'm not going to forget you tomorrow. You helped me write that song, remember? And I like it so much that I'm going to show it to the guys to see if we could use it sometime. Or if nothing else, I'll use it myself."

"We can be friends," I said tiredly. My body literally ached to be back in that embrace, and once again, I found myself regretting my words. "But what about the others? Are they all weird about David and me now?"

"I don't know. I didn't get much of a chance to talk to them about it."

"Can you at least tell me which of them aren't comfortable around gays? Maybe if I go back, I can make it a bit better."

"Well..." he sighed and I could tell it hurt him badly to know that any of the four guys he knew so well could be disgusted by what he was. "It's...it's Kevin, mostly. Nick isn't that great either. A.J. doesn't particularly mind, and Howie doesn't care." His own family.

I didn't know what to say, so I reached out and laid a strictly platonic hand on his shoulder. "Maybe if you told them, they'd realize that it doesn't change who you are."

"Maybe," Brian agreed wistfully.

Why in the hell does this have to happen to me? I wondered. My god, this incredible superstar falls from heaven into my own lap. He's a damn celebrity and he chooses me, Christopher Jacob Taylor, a kid from nowhere to hear his confessions. How in the world did I get into this? How am I going to get out of it and stay sane? The whole thing was starting to take on a surreal quality I didn't like.

"Go back to lunch, Brian," I said abruptly.

"Huh?" He hadn't heard a word I'd said.

"I said go back to lunch."

"I guess I should. You coming?"

"No. I've gotten way to far into this and it's really none of my business, no matter how much you want it to be. In the end, it's your life and your decision, and I need to back out before I mess things up for you." That cold logical side was taking over again, and as rational thought returned, so did the feeling of being more stable and grounded.

"So that's it? You're just pushing me away?"

"I don't even know you, Brian. How I got mixed up in all this I'll never know and don't want to know. Think about it from my side for a second. I meet you last night out of the blue. You like me for some reason, even though you don't have the slightest clue who I am. For all you know, I could be a reporter for a major newspaper, and you've confessed your deepest secret to me, just because I share the same secret. And God, you're kind and...and fuck! Here I go again. Why in the hell does this have to be so awkward? Everything I do turns out wrong." I turned back away, but there were no tears. I sure had fallen for Brian. My heart raced and my thoughts were going far too fast for me to catch. Why me? Why now?

Once again, strong, warm hands took me by the shoulders and turned me around. He looked both puzzled and upset. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened, or why either. I've never met anyone like you and I want to be your friend, even for a little while."

"Okay. Let's leave it at that, then."

"So you want to come back in or not?"

"I don't know. I'd feel kind of weird, and I don't want this to be strained or awkward."

"Aw, come on. I'll get your back."

"Fine."

When we got back in, everyone was laughing. David was the center of attention, it appeared, impressing everyone with his charm and wit. Or lack thereof. If any of them were offended by his sexuality, they didn't show it. Or maybe, I thought, they don't know. After all, he was just acting like a big brother, not like a former lover. Still, as I took a seat, nothing much changed. David looked at me, though, and I tried my best to freeze him with a look right there. And succeeded because he turned away very quickly.

After that, lunch went smoothly and became far more pleasant as Brian turned the group on to the subject of songwriting. He described the song and asked if they'd like to hear it.

"It's a great song, if I do say so myself," he said with a big grin. When he smiled like that, people tended to think he was a bit dumb, but the grin lit his whole face, starting with the eyes. It was quite a fetching grin; one that demanded an answer. "So guys, do you want to hear it?"

"Why not?" Kevin asked, shrugging. "I mean, if it's as good as you say, we may be able to use it."

"If Josh had a hand in writing it," David spoke up suddenly, "then it's going to be a good song." His pathetic attempt at flattery. When we'd gone together, he'd always bitched about how much time I spent in my studio.

I flashed him a flat little smile without feeling, and then said to the rest, "Were you planning on going to Phoenix?"

"Yeah," Howie answered. "For a few hours, anyway."

"Well, my place is on the way out, so we can pop by and show them."

"He's got a huge studio attached to his house that he built himself," Brian piped up. "God, it's big enough to hold probably fifty people."

"Thirty," I corrected. "I have small recitals in there, so I have to be able to accommodate about fifteen kids and their parents."

"You teach music?" Kevin asked, appearing to be interested.

"Yeah. I have about fifty students."

"Do you teach piano?" A.J. asked, also looking as if he were quite interested.

"Mm-hmm," I nodded. "I teach that and the violin, guitar, flute, and the sax. About half of my students are piano players, and about half of the rest are violin players. I have six guitar players, four on the sax and the rest are on flute."

"Holy cow!" Kevin murmured. "Sounds like you're a serious musician. You write much?"

"I do. I've got about sixty pieces in my collection so far." Normally when I was on the spot, I would feel really awkward, out of my element, but with these guys, it was different. Maybe it was because I didn't know them that well and it didn't make much difference if they believed me or not. I'd get around to showing them anyway.

"You didn't tell me that," Brian said. "If they're anything like what you showed me last night, I really think you should just skip teaching and go solo."

"Yeah, well, it's not that easy," I said. "Besides, I really want to teach."

Brian shrugged, and that was the end of that conversation. The rest of lunch was relaxed and nice. It was as if nothing had happened earlier, which was about the best thing that could have happened. I slipped into my usual role of being quiet and let the others talk. Howie and Kevin were eager to describe to Brian the party they'd had the night before. Apparently, they'd stayed out until almost five in the morning. They had gone to Club Z, which was, of course, the favorite spot for people my age. Kevin and A.J. got to spin a little, "do a little of that dj thang," as A.J. so quaintly put it.

"Man, party life here is just as intense as it is in L.A.," Howie said.

"Well," David jumped in, "that's about all there is to do here. This place is filled with college kids who love to party and the kind of music doesn't matter, as long as it's loud and has a good beat."

"Yeah, but even as we finally left, almost everyone was still there. God, it was still going on," Kevin said. "It had to be almost five."

David nodded. "Like I said, these are college kids. Study all day, work in the evenings, and then let off steam Fridays. Big party night. Stay out until the next morning, get plastered, and get up in time to do it again Saturday night. You haven't seen anything until you see the usual Saturday shindig."

"You must be a real party animal, there David," Howie remarked with a grin as the check arrived.

Kevin picked up the check and took out a credit card. "This is on us," he said to David and me.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yeah. After the good time we had last night, which was, by the way, the best in a long time, it's only fair."

"Well, okay." Who was I to pass up a free meal?

"You guys want to come with us to Phoenix?" Nick asked. He'd been pretty quiet through lunch, and by his slightly pained expression, I could see why. Hangover. He looked relaxed, too, so he must have partied hard too.

"Sure," David answered. "You just going to the malls?"

"Probably. What about you, Josh?"

I glanced at Brian before nodding. "Why not? You guys still want to stop by my place before we go up there?"

"Of course," Kevin said. "I really want to hear this new song. How long did it take you to write it?"

"Oh, I think around two and a half hours start to finish," Brian answered. "It went very quickly."

"Sounds like it. Well, let's go." On our way out the door, Kevin paid the bill, left a tip, and joined everyone by their cars. They'd gotten a couple of gray nondescript Fords from a rental agency, and now that we were outside, they all had hats and shades and looked like any other group of guys.

"I have my own car," I said, "so you can follow me out to my house."

"Okay," A.J. said.

"Can I ride with you?" Brian asked quietly. When I shrugged, he smiled. God that smile could melt the hardest heart. "Cool."

"Me too," David said.

"You can walk," I said coldly. I was still quite angry with him, and had no intentions of letting him ride with me. Especially not when I was with Brian. One glance at him told me he thought I was joking. I turned furious eyes on him and said, "I'm serious, David."

"Oh, okay," he said quietly and turned to A.J., who just nodded. "That's fine. You, me and Howie can ride over together."

"I have an idea," I said. "Why don't we just go and drop one of your cars off over at the hotel real quick, and then Kevin and Nick can just ride with Brian and me."

"My, you're environmentally conscious, too, huh?" Brian teased softly. "Once again, I'm impressed."

"No, I'm just practical. So are we just going to stand here all day?"

"Let's go," Kevin said.

About half an hour later, we were all in front of my house. I could hear Max's puppy barks floating from the back, and so I took them all around back to meet the little guy, who greeted everyone with enthusiasm. He was so cute that I had to smile. Someone put a gentle hand on my shoulder, and at first, I thought it was Brian until I turned around. David stood there with a hopeful expression on his face, but I brushed his hand off and stepped away. Not this time.

Before too much longer, we went into the studio and I got out a few chairs. The others stood around admiring the work.

"You did this yourself?" Kevin asked quietly. "This is really nice. How long did it take?"

"A month of constant work," I answered. "I worked about six hours everyday, but it wasn't easy to do alone. For about a week, I had a couple of guys over to help me do the walls, hang the drywall, and set most of the roof. I did the shingling myself and all that. Even did the siding myself. I enjoyed it, but it's not something I want to do again." With a smile and a shrug, I grabbed one of my guitars, handed it to Brian and then took a seat on the piano bench. "Need the music?"

"Mm...yeah, just in case I forget the words. I know the music already."

"Okay. You want to sing it by yourself?"

"No. I told you that you have a great voice and I wasn't kidding, so you can sing it with me." He adjusted the guitar on his lap and fingered the strings to signal he was ready.

I nodded and went into the intro, which was just piano and mostly just variations on the same set of chords. It didn't last long, and at just the right moment, I faded the piano into a ghostly harmony as Brian took over melody. It hadn't quite sounded like that when we'd practiced earlier, but it sure sounded cool. Just a moment later, we sang the words together. And in the moment, it was just the two of us. The world didn't matter, who Brian was didn't matter, nothing mattered but the two of us. I put feeling into the song as I sang, this time unselfconscious, and so did Brian. At one point, I was supposed to take a high harmony, but rounded it down low, which fit the sad mood of the song. We left off on an ambiguous note...low, minor triad, neither hopeful nor too dark.

Reality came crashing back down as I looked around at the other five who were silent, but most of them looked impressed. "So?"

A.J. seemed to rouse himself first. "Wow. That...wow." He looked stunned.

"Thank you," I murmured, smiling at Brian again. "What about the rest of you?"

"You two wrote this?" Kevin asked, as if he couldn't quite believe it. "My God, this is...it's unbelievable. What a song."

"So you like it?" Brian asked.

"Like it? Brian, I'm blown away. This is an incredible song." Kevin grinned and punched Brian lightly in the arm. "How'd you come up with it?"

"Well," I interjected, "Brian had a basic melody when we started and we just tinkered with it and added the lyrics as we went. Things just fell into place because your cousin has a talent for writing music."

"You did most of the melody work once I gave it to you," Brian protested, "and it was you who came up with a good part of the lyrics."

"Aw, you did your part. Take your credit and shut up," I joked. "You're going to take the song anyway, right?" I hit on an idea. "Say, Kevin, you play piano, don't you?"

The tall, dark haired man nodded. "Yeah."

"Do you read music well?"

"Fairly well."

"Okay. I want to try something. I have the sheet music for this right here, but I'd like to try this out on a couple of instruments really quick while I have you here. Is that okay? I mean, if you're in a hurry to get to Phoenix, you don't have to."

"No, that's okay," A.J. said for Kevin. "I think this is better than going to Phoenix, so if we don't get up there, it's no big deal."

That made me feel good for some reason, like I was important. "Cool. Um, do any of you play drums?"

"I do," Nick volunteered. "A little anyway."

"Very cool," I said. My mind was running about a mile a minute, as I thought about ways to make this song pop. This was the first time in a long time I'd actually worked with people making music. "Okay, what else? None of you play sax, right?"

"No," A.J. said wistfully. "I wish I did so I could do something."

"Do you play any instruments?"

"Not really."

"Well, maybe you could sing my part."

A.J. shook his head and pulled off his shades. "No way, man. That part is yours. I can sit this out, I guess."

"Yeah," I countered, "but if you take the song, I'm not going to be there to sing that part, and I think you'd sound good in the part. Besides, I can't sing if I'm playing sax, right?"

"Okay, then, but I don't really know it well enough to sing right now."

"That's okay," I said, "because I'm really more interested in hearing what it sounds like with the violin in here." I glanced at Howie. "What about you? This is a group project, and it's not fair to exclude you. You play anything?"

"I can do some guitar."

"Good. We can use rhythm." I walked over and grabbed another guitar and explained to Howie what he should play. Just a couple of harmonizing chords. Running the song over in my head, I thought of a good drum beat, so I went over to the trap set that was close to the piano and uncovered it. I sat behind it for a moment and picked out a rhythm that was very simple, once on the snare, once on the bass, then twice on the snare and once on the bass. "Think you can handle that?" I asked Nick.

"Too easy," he said as he took a seat on the stool and picked up the drumsticks.

"All right, then. Kev, you think you can handle the piano?"

He fingered the keys and looked at the music. With a smile, he turned to me and nodded. "I got it. This isn't too bad."

"Okay. Are you all ready?" Everyone nodded. "Let's see...mm...all right. I just want all four of you to go through it for me so I can hear what it sounds like. Go ahead. Start with the piano. When Brian starts with the guitar, you can go ahead with the other parts. Sound good?" Again, everyone nodded, and I was surprised about the way they just took my orders, as if I were a little general. Well, no hope for it. I nodded back to Kevin and he started.

He did pretty well for his first time. I liked his style. As Brian, Howie, and Nick came in, the song took on an even more complete feel. I was very impressed by how well the four of them held together. They were all pretty good with their instruments and had good senses of rhythm. About halfway though, I had the right feel for the violin and put my baby Strad under my chin and fingered her lovingly. Out of all my instruments, she was my favorite with a sweet, clear, and beautiful voice that cut to the heart.

I added her voice to the mix, and when I did, six pairs of eyes looked my way as the sweet notes seared through the melody, flirting with it and then fading into harmony. Toward the end, I picked up the melody again and then showed off with a little flair just before the end, but left the very end to the piano. (Can you tell that I have a real passion for music?) Kevin couldn't quite produce the ambiguity I'd made before, but the effect was almost the same.

No one said anything for the longest time, but slowly, smiles emerged one by one. "Oh man," A.J. said, cracking a huge grin. "You have got a gift, Josh. The violin...that was perfect. It added...so much."

"God, it did," Brian said, looking at me with admiring eyes. "Did you play that jus by ear?"

"Yep. And if you don't mind going through it just once more, I'll get it in early."

"We can go through it as many times as you want," Nick said. "I love this song already. I can see 'huge hit' written all over it. Especially since it's so different that what we usually do."

"Cool." I nodded to Kevin who picked up the intro with more confidence and then instead of waiting, I joined him. There is nothing more beautiful that a violin and piano together creating a perfect harmony, soft, sweet notes. I kept it up through the course of the song, sometimes bringing out the melody, sometimes just fading into harmony. The piano got better and better. This time, everything seemed to fit into place, and A.J. started to softly sing the words over Kevin's shoulder. They fit too.

"Good enough," I said, once we finished. "I like it, guys. Skip the sax. This is an acoustic piece. And I think all of you should play it." The teacher in me took over. "Practice it until you're comfortable with it and then wow your people. Take my advice. Don't let anyone take this away from you. This is your song, guys. If you want it, and if you want to play it, that is."

"Damn straight," Kevin muttered. "This is so cool. Something of our own." He smiled at me. "You're going to get your props for this, too."

"Don't worry about me," I said.

"No," Howie said. "This is yours too."

"Well, thanks," I said. "So, are we still going to Phoenix?"

"Sure," Brian said, standing up and looking at the others pointedly.

We went in two cars again and wound up spending most of the afternoon up there, going around to the various malls, shopping and generally goofing off. At one point, as we were walking around our second mall, AJ, Nick, and Howie managed to ditch David for a few minutes and came over to me.

"Man," AJ muttered, "what a pain."

"Who, David?" I asked.

"No offense, but yes."

"Oh, don't worry," I said quietly, keeping watch, "I'm still a little pissed off at him right now. He can be a good guy, but a lot of the time, he's just a pain in the ass. He likes to do everything his way or no way."

Howie nodded and grimaced. "Yeah, we noticed. Why do you think we ditched him? Say, is, uh, is he gay, by the way?"

"Gee, what gave it away?" I heard a voice asked behind me. Brian walked up and stood next to me. "Was it his lithp? Or the limp wrist?" Yep, David was a stereotypical gay, all right. He had the "gay lisp", and an effeminate manner. Although that never bothered me, it obviously bothered some of them.

"Something like that," Nick said uneasily. "So he really is?"

"Oh yes," I said. "Does that bother you?"

Nick's blue eyes cut to the floor. "Well...it's not that it bothers me so much, but...if someone's gay, I...um...I don't like to be reminded of it every time they open their mouth."

"Oh," I said. "Gee, it's a good thing I don't talk like that, huh?" I laughed suddenly at the uneasy looks my comment garnered and then shrugged. "Relax. I promise I don't bite."

That broke the tension and got everyone to relax as we walked. No one brought up the subject again that afternoon, but it became more and more evident as the day wore on that the guys were tired of David. I was too. He was fawning all over them, being pushy and bordering on plain rude. Me, he ignored entirely, which was fine. I wanted even less to do with him at that moment, although I was sure that once things settled out, we'd be okay again.

AJ and Howie managed to ditch David again and came over to where Kevin, Brian, and I stood chatting. "What's up?" I asked them.

"Not much," AJ said, giving me a pleading look. "Save us."

"Sorry. I'm not the one who invited him to tag along."

"It's okay," Howie said, glancing around. "So, what's everyone doing tonight?"

Brian glanced in my direction before answering, "Well, I know what I want to do."

By the look he gave me it was pretty obvious. "Another jam session in my studio, right?" I teased. "Just can't get enough, eh?"

He grinned and looked to Kevin. "What about you, Kev?"

Kevin shrugged gracefully. "Oh, I don't know. I'm a little worn after last night's party. I was just going to stay in and watch a movie or something like that."

All of a sudden a blond blur darted around the corner and jumped on Brian's back before any of us could so much as blink. Nick grinned and stepped back away. "What's everyone staring at?"

"Your freaky ass!" Howie exclaimed, laughing. "We were just talking about what we wanted to do tonight. So far we got one who wants to make music and one who wants to stay in and watch movies."

Brian gave me an odd look before asking, "So is that cool?"

"Fine," I answered quietly. "If you want to come over, you're quite welcome. In fact, you're all more than welcome to come over. We can do dinner and I've got all kinds of movies and video games and stuff like that."

Nick's blue eyes lit up, and I saw just then why so many girls thought he was the "hottie" of the group. "Yeah? What kind of video games?"

"What's your pleasure? Playstation? N64? Or do you like the older systems? Nintendo? Sega? SNES? I've got them all. I've also got a Dreamcast."

"No way! Those aren't even out yet." Nick's jaw was practically scraping the floor.

"Not here they aren't, but I've got a friend who orders things from Japan, where they come out six months earlier, so I've had it for a while. It's bad ass." I grinned. "Like I said, you're more than welcome. I've also got hundreds of computer games."

"I am so there."

"That's two," I said, smiling fondly at Nick's boyish enthusiasm. I'd never met anyone so nuts about video games before, besides me, that is. "Any of the rest of you?"

Kevin shrugged. "Yeah, why not. I was thinking, actually of working on a new song anyway, and your studio would be a good place to do it."

"Cool. Howie? AJ?"

"Hey, why not?" AJ said. "Sounds like fun. I mean, I was going to go out again, but I'm kind of beat, too. I think it'd be cool to just hang for a while."

"Yeah," Howie agreed. "But, don't take this the wrong way, but can we lose David? I mean, I know how that sounds, and I promise I'm not trying to be rude...but..."

"Don't worry about it," I said. "I wasn't really planning on inviting him anyway." That got a few relieved grins. "So, what about food? Do you want to go out or have a home-cooked meal?"

"Can you cook?" Brian asked, jumping into the conversation for the first time in a while.

"I was thinking more of a barbeque type thing," I answered, "and yes, I can do that. I'm a fairly decent cook. I don't make anything fancy, but I can manage."

"It won't be any trouble?" Kevin asked.

"None at all," I assured them. "What do you all want? What's something you don't get much of that you'd really like?"

I was surprised by how quickly Kevin answered for the group, "Ribs." They all had identical expressions of agreement. With a very slightly sheepish smile, he said, "Sure, they have them in restaurants, but I like them fresh off the grill. We haven't had them in a long time."

I felt real relief. "Guys, that's my specialty." I had a way of cooking ribs that for some reason people just seemed to love. They didn't take that long to cook, either. Not the way I made them. "Anything else?"

"Cornbread," Brian piped up with a grin.

David walked up to the six of us just then. "Hey, what are you all doing standing over here? I thought you wanted to shop 'til you dropped. You'd better get moving."

"Uh, we were waiting for you," Kevin said. "We're leaving now."

"Oh." His hazel eyes mildly puzzled, David trailed us out. "So, what's everyone doing tonight?" he asked. "Are you gonna party more tonight?"

"No," Howie answered quietly. "We've got a, uh, meeting with our manager tonight and then we have to hit the sack early. We're cutting out of town at first light, so we've got to get ready to go tonight."

"Too bad." David turned to me. "What about you, LJ?" Little Jay. I hated that name more than any of the other cutsie nicknames he'd given me.

"Don't call me that," I said testily. "I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to bed early."

"You don't want to go out?" He was pretending like nothing had happened earlier, of course.

"No." It was hard to be civil.

"Oh. Okay." We'd arrived at the cars, so he ducked into his and unlocked the doors for AJ and Howie, who very reluctantly went in.

The trip back went relatively quickly. Conversation between us was mostly nonexistent, so we ended up listening to the radio all the way back. That was quite all right because I was enjoying just having the company. I couldn't believe how easily and naturally all of us got along. It was like I had just run into some old friends instead of meeting five very friendly, low-key guys. Who they were hardly ever came into it. Sure, they were superstar musicians elsewhere, but with me, they were just five guys I met the day before.

Once we got back to the hotel, we made a little arrangement. They'd go up to their rooms, I'd leave to go get the ribs, and then come back and lead them to my house. David, meanwhile, would go home. It worked to perfection and not half an hour after we'd gotten back into town, we were back at my house again. It wasn't that late, either. I threw the ribs on the grill first thing. It was about six.

With Brian's help, I got together some cornbread, a kick-ass salad, and some other cooked fresh vegetables, while the others hung out on the back deck. As we worked, Brian and I talked about things. We got to know each other better and better. For all of the tension and awkwardness between us, we were already pretty good friends. We avoided certain topics, which made things easier, and just stuck with more funny stories.

When the food was done, we carried it outside, and as we did, he asked, "Do you have an e-mail address?"

"Several. Why?"

"Well, I don't know. I'd just like to keep in touch after we leave." He said it as if it were the most natural request in the world.

But I almost dropped the bowl of salad in shock. Maybe I'd misunderstood; I figured he'd just hang out and then leave and forget all about me. Even if we were friends, I hadn't expected him to want to keep in touch. "I'll, uh, I'll get them to you before I go," I said.

"You seem surprised," he commented, setting down the hot plate of cornbread. "I do like you, Josh. Even if I've only known you for a day, I consider you a friend."

"Ah, thank you," I said awkwardly as I walked over to the grill. The ribs were done and smelled wonderful when I pulled them off. They were top of the line. I'd gotten them from my local butcher block. Max waddled over and sat on his fat rump and begged. That little tiny puppy begging for scraps was almost too much. "Sorry, bud, but you can't have any of these tonight," I said as I scooped him up and went back into the house.

Brian had come back in and stood leaning against the sink when I walked in. His face was bright red and he was chuckling madly, trying not to burst out loud. When he saw Max and me, he turned an even brighter red and lost his cool.

"What's so funny?" I asked, setting Max down.

"N-Nothing," he gasped between fits of laughter. "Just...Kevin said something funny. That's all."

"Oh," I murmured. Using a technique I'd learned on my own a few years ago, I made short work of the ribs without making a mess. They were coated with barbeque sauce and a couple of other secret ingredients. Brian watched without comment, his laughter tapering off to occasional chuckles.

I took the humongous pile of ribs out to the back deck and set them in front of the guys. We all dug in and ate like we'd never eaten before. Man, they liked my ribs. I got compliment after compliment. They devoured everything as we sat in the early evening twilight. Even the cornbread was good. Brian ate more of that than anyone, but he grinned and told me it was great. After we finished, we threw everything in the dishwasher and cleaned up.

Once all that was finished, we went into my game room in the basement. "This is where I keep my entertainment stuff." The room was huge and had a pool table at one end and my entertainment center at the other. Inside the entertainment center, I had a new CD player, big TV and VCR, and all the video game systems stowed below in boxes so things wouldn't get mixed up. Currently, the Dreamcast was hooked up and laying on the floor.

"That must be the Dreamcast," Nick said, walking over to inspect the unit. "Looks kind of like the Playstation. It takes CD's obviously."

"Yeah, that's right," I answered. "But, it also has Internet access."

"Way cool. Is it hooked up?"

"Mm-hmm. Go ahead." I glanced at the others, who looked back with almost identically patronizing expressions. Nick didn't notice as he flopped down in front of the TV and turned everything on. We watched as he played Sonic for a while, and all of them marveled at the graphics. It really was a cool system and it didn't have as many of the loading problems as the Playstation did.

"You guys can go on ahead, if you want," Nick said absently. His long frame was lounging contentedly against one of the chairs close to the TV. "I think I'm going to stay down here for a while."

"Okay," I said. "If you want to change systems, they're all in the bottom." He paused long enough to open the cabinet and inspect my game selection. His eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw all the games I had. I did have quite a collection.

"God, where'd you get all these? Man, you have everything; all the old stuff and...jeez, there must be at least three hundred Playstation games here."

"Three fifty," I said. "I got them all from an old friend of mine. I worked in his game store for years and years and I accumulated all this stuff. He gave it to me in lieu of pay. I mean, I taught thirty-five kids a week back then, so I didn't really need any money. I was a video game freak and every month, he gave me anything I wanted to make up for the pay. The Dreamcast I bought, and I got it from him. He was and is very successful."

"Wow. So, what do those computers in your studio have in them?"

"They're Pentium III's, 500 mHz processors. I've got them maxed out to 265 megs of RAM and 20 gig hard drives. I basically gutted the things and upgraded them myself. I also installed DVD drives."

"Are they fast?"

"Incredibly. I have my own T-1 line running out here for Internet, so the connection is faster than a snap of the fingers." I turned and smiled at the others, all of whom looked mildly puzzled. "We can head out now."

Once in the studio, all talk of games and computers disappeared. I'd left all the chairs out, so the four of them sat down and I took a seat at the piano. Brian sat closest to me and said, "Didn't we get a promise out of you to play one of your songs, Josh?"

Had they? I couldn't remember, but I nodded anyway and thought for a minute. I needed a good song, something not too hard, but not too soft. I had the perfect song. This one was just a fun song. It was silly and wild, and I could sing it in a funny voice. So I did. The song was a cross between old-fashioned ragtime and modern pop and about something funny that had happened in my life. I had the guys rolling by the time I finished. Even I was laughing kind of hard when I finished.

"G-God," Kevin gasped, chest hitching with his laughter, "that was great, Josh! Where'd you come up with that?"

"Real life experience," I grinned. "That really happened."

Brian burst out laughing all over again. "I'm sorry. I bet it wasn't funny at the time. Sounds like it really sucked."

"Yeah, but it's funny now," I said. "That was just kind of to get things loosened up. That was one of my favorites because it's so much fun. But I have better ones. Like these." I played two songs: 'Dark Passage,' and one called, 'Where Did I Go Wrong?' As the title said, 'Where Did I Go Wrong?' was about life taking a hard turn. Almost all of my songs were deeply personal, so sharing them with people was not something I did a lot. I didn't really like people to get too close.

There was a long silence after I let the last few notes taper off and stepped off the damper pedal. It seemed as if the guys were afraid to spoil the moment. It was pretty heavy. Those weren't light songs.

Finally, it was AJ who broke the quiet. "I think Brian was right," he murmured. "Forget teaching. You'd be an excellent solo artist, Josh."

"Man, he's right," Kevin said. "You definitely have talent. Those were some of the best songs I've ever heard. They sounded honest, like you've lived everything you sing about."

"Hmm...thank you," I replied. I didn't say that I had lived it. All the flattery was starting to go to my head. Maybe they were right. But no...I still wanted to teach. I really wanted to teach. "I think I'm going to stick to teaching music, though. I'd like to think I can help people understand what a joy music really is."

"That's a good idea, too," Brian said. He stood up and grabbed the guitar he'd been using and sat down with it. I moved and let Kevin have the piano and gave Howie another guitar. AJ walked over to the trap set and sat down. I hadn't known he could play the drums, but they all surprised me by playing something else I'd never heard. It was cool, though. It didn't sound like a pop piece; it sounded more like a jazz piece. All it was missing was sax.

"That was way cool," I said when they finished. "What was it?"

"It doesn't have a name," Howie said. "It's just something we play when we jam with the band."

"Ah. Hold on a second." I walked into the back storage area and grabbed my sax case and walked back into the room. This was my tenor sax, the lower one, that would sound the best with this piece.

"Let me guess," Brian said. "You've just got to tinker around with it."

"Well, I want to see what this is going to sound like. It just seems like this is missing. Have you heard it with the sax before?"

"Not really," Kevin answered.

"Okay," I said, "so go ahead and do it again." They did and I added the sax ; not a lot, but enough to accent it. That's really what the sax is for when used in a band. It's a great accent piece, and I tried to set it up just so. I liked what I heard and from the surprised looks on the faces of the others, they did too. "Oh, that was pretty," I said. "You don't have a name for it? No lyrics?"

"No and no," Kevin answered. "Although..." Hint, hint. Yeah, yeah, sure.

"Okay," I said, catching the point. "So you've got the song down. Now all you need is words and maybe fine-tuning. What kind of song is it? Throw out suggestions."

For some reason, they deferred to me again, like I was some kind of expert, which I was not. "Well, it's a smooth song," Kevin started, a bit tentatively. "So normal pop lyrics probably won't work, right?" He looked at me like I was a teacher and he'd given an answer he wasn't sure about.

"This is your show, guys," I said. "Take the ball and roll with it."

I faded into the background and got a good look at why these guys were such good friends. They all had their own ideas and were receptive to those of the others. None of them were rude when they disagreed, although there was some playful teasing. It was amazing to see how well these four got along together. They got down some good ideas and went with them, transforming their little play piece into a song.

At one point, they got a little stuck, but I bailed them out. As they worked, I took the guitar from Brian and "tinkered" with the melody. In the end, I didn't do that much to it, but it was a little different than before. I can't honestly say I made it better, but in my mind, it sounded right. Better or not, if it was right, then it was right. Of course, my view of right and theirs was bound to be different.

Once they finally agreed on lyrics, I ran the changes by them. "Check this out," I said. "I want to run this by you. As Brian put it so quaintly, I tinkered a little bit. Tell me if it sounds about right. Whoever's going to sing, do it. That way, we can see how well the words and melody fit together."

"Do you want us to play it?" AJ asked.

"Not yet. Just check this out." I played it and Brian started to sing. Those boys were all pretty good, I must admit. The words fit perfectly, and matched the changes I'd made. "Good song, guys. I'd say you have another hit on your hands."

All four of them were staring at me as if I'd grown another head. "Man, how do you do it?" AJ asked. "You've heard the damn song twice and already you know it better than I do. It took us a long time to get that down and here in just a few minutes you got it."

I blushed and ducked my head. "I don't know," I mumbled shyly. "I just...I remember how it sounded, and play it in my head. I-I can't explain it better than that. I've been around music for so long...it's just second nature."

"Aww," Brian teased, "isn't that cute?" He leaned over and pinched my cheek. I punched his arm. "Ow, boy. What're you trying to do, kill me?"

"Sorry. I don't like to be teased."

"Guess not." He rubbed his arm and grinned. "Next time, I'll keep my mouth shut." His intensely vivid blue eyes sparkled even as he sobered. "Seriously, though, that's pretty good. You really didn't change it much except at the bridge."

"Yup. The lyrics fit just fine there."

"Well, I guess we owe you our thanks again, Josh."

"For what? You guys did most of the work. I just messed around with the melody. You made the song better with those great lyrics of yours." I handed the guitar back to Brian. "Here. Let's go through it all again. Did you catch what I did?"

"Yeah, pretty much. You went up, not down."

"Something like that," I murmured, grabbing my sax again. "Put in the lyrics. Let's jam, babies!" Okay, okay, I realize how stupid that sounded, but I was caught up in the moment, and none of them seemed to mind.

So we went through it again. And again. And again. They loved it, never complained, and just kept going until it sounded perfect. I went all-out with the sax, showing off my skills and making my part pop. Yeah, I was being a show-off, but hey, it was just fun. Improvising was one of my strong points, so I did it. What can I say?

After that, we took a break and Kevin tore Nick away from the video games for a minute to come hear the song. Now that we all had it pretty much down, it really came together and sounded about perfect. Nick was impressed, to say the least.

"Say, wasn't that our song?" he asked.

"Mm-hmm," Kevin nodded. "We just fixed it up and made it a single."

"Oh." There was something bothering Nick just then. "So...what do I get to do? This is our song, right?"

"You can play the drums," AJ said, generously offering up his own part. "I sing, and I'd rather do that."

Nick grinned. "Okay, then, that's cool. I love this song."

"Good," Brian said. He stood up, stretched, and glanced at the clock. "Oh, man, how'd it get so late?" It was already after midnight. "We're out of here in less than seven hours, guys. I guess we'd better get going."

None of them looked to happy at the prospect, but they went anyway. I walked with them out to the car. I'd put the sheet music to both of the songs in a folder and brought it with me. "Remember," I told them, "don't let them take these from you. Especially...um, Brian, I think we forgot to name that song."

"Yeah, we did," he said. "Hmmm..."

"Well, how about 'Life on the Back Streets,' I suggested. That's what the song is about, so it fits."

"Hey, that's pretty cool."

"Anyway, practice them when you can. These are yours. Forget what anyone else tells you, guys. These are two of your songs, honest and from your hearts. And mine, a bit." I worried my lower lip with my teeth. "Promise me, you guys."

They all seemed taken aback by my passion, but also understood why I felt as I did. Kevin smiled. "We will, Josh. Don't worry. These are ours now." He extended his hand and we shook. "Thank you, though. You're going to get your credit for them."

I smiled, but it didn't matter if I ever did get credit for them or not. I just wanted them to be left as they were, not taken to some group and "improved." "You know, it was cool to get to hang with you guys. Don't take this the wrong way, but I forgot who you guys were for most of the time."

AJ grinned. "That's what we wanted. Do you know how long it's been since we've hung out with someone who doesn't care who we are? This whole weekend has been a blast, Josh. And Kevin was right. You'll get your props for the music."

"Well, thanks," I murmured.

"Man, I don't want to leave," Nick said quietly. "I just love your collection. You've got everything down there."

"Oh, so you only like the games, eh? Well, that's fine," I teased.

Nick blushed a bright red. "No, no, I just mean I wish we could stay longer. I do think the new songs rock."

"No doubt," Howie agreed. "This weekend has been awesome. I just wish we didn't have to go so soon. It was really nice to get to hang out with someone who did see past 'Backstreet' for a change. It's almost as good as you being a big fan."

"Well...maybe I am, now," I said with a smile. "In any case, I've had a pretty good time too. I love to write music, and if I helped you out, that's gravy." There was a long, awkward pause, and then they started getting into the car one-by-one, until Brian and I were the only two outside. "You going to go?" I asked him.

"Not yet," he answered. "Guys, go on ahead. I'll bum a ride off of the kid, here."

"Jerk," I muttered. "Why'd you stay?"

"Because you haven't given me your e-mail address yet, dummy."

"Oh." I headed back into the house and he trailed behind. Grabbing a notebook, I jotted down about half of my e-mail addresses (four of eight) and handed them to him. "The first one's my main box, but I check all of them. If you get bored, you can mail all of them."

He grinned. "That's pretty cool. I just got a laptop and I'm getting addicted to it. That's the way I keep in touch with the family back home and I find all kinds of cool websites."

"Do you go to BSB websites?"

"Once in a while. I like to check out different music websites and stuff like that, too. Do you ever go to chat rooms?"

"Rarely." We walked out to the backyard again. "Are you just going to mail me your address?"

"No." He tore off the bottom half of the paper I'd used and wrote two addresses on it. "You're not the only one who's got more than one box. I try to check them everyday, but may not get back for a while."

"Okay." Questions bounced around in my head. Why are you clinging Brian? Why are you hanging onto me like this? Can't you see how hard it is for me not to break down again? I like you, I really do, but it wouldn't work. Can't you see that? It would be so much easier to sever the connection here, and it would spare us both the pain. I felt like shouting all of that at him, but instead kept quiet as I took a seat on the edge of the deck. Max waddled over and jumped into my lap. Whiskey sauntered into Brian's lap and curled up into a comfortable ball.

"Oh, go ahead, make yourself at home," Brian muttered to the cat. His grin was broad though. I guess he had a soft spot for cats.

We didn't say another word for a long time. It was actually nearly an hour that we spent in the starless darkness. Several times, he looked like he wanted to say something, but kept his peace until finally, he gently picked up Whiskey and then stood up. I picked up Max and walked back inside and put the small pup on his spot on my bed and indicated the Brian should do the same with the cat.

"Ready to go?" I asked quietly.

"I guess so," he sighed glumly. "I can't believe how fast this weekend has gone. But I loved every minute of it."

"I'm glad," I said. We walked out to the car and were soon on the road. After a few minutes, I started talking, "So, back on the road again, eh? No rest for the weary."

"No," he agreed softly. "You were wrong about something though. Despite what you think, I won't forget this place. Or you. This was one of the coolest weekends I've had in a long, long time. You're something special, Josh. I really do wish more people were like you."

"I don't," I said with a grin. "Jeez, how would I stand out if everyone was like me?" I was blushing by his exaggeration of how good of a weekend it was. It didn't seem that great to me. "I'm just glad I got a chance to meet you and got to know you a little. I wish you could stay around a little longer."

"Well, maybe I'll get to see you again sometime."

"Maybe," I agreed doubtfully. In my heart, I was sure we'd never see each other again. Of course...fate would have plenty to say about that later. But at that time, I was sad.

"You know, if we ever do record those two songs, I'd really like to have you come down and play the violin part and the sax."

"Huh?" That caught me by surprise. "Don't you have your band?"

He nodded, bright blue eyes distant. "Sure, and they're great, but I don't know how well they'd do with this stuff. I mean, this...I can't imagine anyone else playing it."

That was a nice sentiment, I guess, but how realistic was it? Not very. We lapsed into silence until we reached the hotel. Brian sighed and ran a hand through his short reddish hair as I pulled up to the front. This time, there weren't any girls hanging around.

Without any warning, Brian pulled me into a tight embrace. "It was great, Josh. It really was. I'm so glad I got to meet you." He kissed me again, gently, but with barely checked passion. His lips were warm, firm, and demanded answer, which I was only too happy to give. Just for that moment, I was his and he was mine.

When the kiss broke, he sat back and smiled. "That was for...I guess what could have been."

"Don't say it like that," I protested. "You make it sound wrong like that. Just say it was for anything but that, okay?" I was practically begging him with my eyes and heart not to say we could have had a chance. We didn't. There were no two ways about it. I wasn't going to give up my life and I knew he wouldn't give up his.

"Okay," he whispered, giving me one last peck on the cheek. "That was for being Josh and giving all of us a great weekend." He stopped talking and took my hand. "Josh...do you think...I mean, would we...?"

"No," I said, more harshly than I'd intended. "I...I can't give up...what I've worked...years to get. I'm sorry. I mean...yeah, I like you a lot, but...but I think we'd just end up hurting each other."

He looked relieved. "I guess it's better that way."

"Are you going to tell them you're gay?" I asked to change the subject.

"Someday. I hope they understand when I do."

"Yeah." Time was up. "Well...ah, Brian, it's been a lot of fun, and...I guess that's all that matters."

"That's right," he said. "Bye, Josh." He got out of the car, waved once and walked into the hotel without a single glance back.

So ends Part I. Hey, I like to tell a story, so I'm just going let this unfold in its own time and way. Writing is something I'm very passionate about, like music. Most of the aspects of Josh's character are mirrors of my own. There are a few differences, although I won't say what they are.

Anyway, for now, that's it. Obviously Josh and Brian are eventually going to end up together, but I have many, many surprises in store. This isn't "just another Brian story," I promise you. It's going to take a while to develop, and if you have patience, you may like what I'm doing.

Feedback is welcome, of course. In fact, I'd appreciate any comments or criticisms. Don't be afraid of offending me. Tell me what you think. My address is joshtay31@hotmail.com or aceofspades187@hotmail.com.

Chris