Separate Lives

"What's past is prologue..."

Well, I'm back! For those of you who had the guts to stay with the first part, here's the next part. As it stands right now, this is looking to be a four, possibly five piece story. I've got things mapped out and things are starting to look up. So, just bear with me, and like I said before, you might like what's going to happen.

Thanks to those of you who sent suggestions and compliments. You don't know how much of an ego booster it is to know that someone out there likes what I'm doing. I hope you like this one...I've tried pretty hard to make it better. Oh, yeah, and there's still no sex, so once again...go fly a kite. :)

*Most of the aspects of Josh's past, when he talks about it, are based on the life experiences of my best friend DJ. After reading the first part of my story, he asked if I'd incorporate his past into it, and I agreed. I only changed the names of the places where things occurred.

Legal stuff: If you're not eighteen or old enough to be reading this by the laws of your state, am-scray. If you're offended by this kind of stuff, then, pray, why are you here?

Okay, okay, shut up, already. On with the show...

Separate Lives Part II By Chris

Back in the present...

I snap out of my reverie and look over to Brian. He's laying on his back, eyes unfocused and distant. Obviously he's completely zoned out and I decide not to bother him. Instead I glance at my watch and see with surprise that only fifteen minutes have passed.

I close my eyes but do not think of anything of consequence. It's ironic how long it took for Brian and I to get together. I'm twenty- nine now, and when I met Brian I was almost twenty-five. He was twenty-four, and is now twenty-eight. It has taken years for us to get over our inhibitions and put the past behind us. At times, I cannot believe that we made it.

It is with these thoughts in my mind that I drift off again...

Back in the past

I graduated in early October, just as I thought I would. Things were looking up then. I got a call two weeks after I finished college about a job for which I had applied. In a town in Wyoming, of all places. Their music teacher had walked out and they needed someone to take over for the rest of the year, and possibly longer. For a first time teacher, that was perfect.

I took the job, sold my house, and left. David saw me off, but we parted on pretty poor terms. Things just hadn't been the same between us since the Boys left town. We'd tried to patch things up, but it just didn't happen. We always ended up arguing. So, I was glad to finally get out of town.

The town was called Casper, and it was smack in the middle of nowhere. Oh, I suppose it was big enough to be considered a small city, but there really wasn't much to it. I hated it right from the start, but forced myself to smile as I found a nice house (the prices were unbelievably low), set myself up as a piano teacher, and got ready to become a real teacher.

My first day was the first of November, and I was nervous. I'd spent several days getting ready for my classes, putting together lessons and going over material, but I was still afraid. My classes were basically all of the non-orchestra bands. I had a jazz band, marching band, and one other band that was almost symphonic brass.

I walked into the quaint old brick building that made up Natrona County High School with some trepidation. It felt like a high school; drab walls and tile. Tan lockers, bored faces floating down the halls already. I walked down to the main office and up to the front desk. "Um, I'm Josh Taylor," I said to the secretary. "I have an appointment with Mr. Moore."

The secretary, Mrs. Law, frowned just slightly. "You're the new teacher?"

I nodded and smiled. "Don't look like it, do I?"

She smiled back. "Not really. Mr. Moore is expecting you. Go right on in."

I glanced at the clock on my way back into the office. It was seven ten and classes started at seven forty-five. There was plenty of time. 'Calm down, Josh,' I admonished myself. My palms were sweaty, so as I passed through the threshold, I wiped them off on my black slacks. I'd worn black and blue, just because I liked the look. I even had a black tie.

Byron Moore, the head principal of the school, was a huge man. He was about as wide as he was tall. As his large hand engulfed my small one, I was afraid he'd crush it. He was pretty gentle, though. We'd met before, and although I didn't particularly like him, I smiled anyway.

"Good morning, Josh," he said.

"Morning, sir." On him, 'sir' seemed to be appropriate.

He smiled to put me at ease. "Are you ready for your first day?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," I replied chirpily. In reality, my heart was beating just a little too hard and my thoughts were going just a little too fast.

"Good. There are just a few things we need to go over before you take your class today..." He spent the next ten minutes debriefing me about certain school procedures and policies and handed me a thick folder to read. His sermon was quite boring and made me even more nervous. Finally, he released me and I walked down the hall and around the corner to my classroom.

When the bell rang, I was ready. I had five classes to teach, and the first class poured in. I took a seat on the desk and watched quietly as the kids walked in. There were a lot of strange looks from people who didn't quite know what was going on. I looked like one of them, I realized. Other than the clothes, I looked pretty young.

After the final bell rang, one of the assistant principals walked into the classroom. She headed over to the desk and stood beside me as she started to address the group. "Guys, this is your new teacher, Mr. Taylor. He's going to be here for the rest of the year, so make him feel welcome." She turned and left.

I looked over the seventy-odd faces and smiled. "Well, good morning. I am your new teacher, Josh Taylor, as Mrs. Green said. You can call me Josh, if you want. I don't really care. A little about me. I just graduated from college a month ago, so I'm getting right into the fire. I student taught in Arizona, where I lived before I moved up here. Um, I have nineteen years of music experience and I'm looking forward to a good year. Are there any questions?"

There were. They wanted to know how old I was, mostly. After we got through that, I took roll and then we went over what they had been doing for music. This was most of the marching band and I really didn't like what they were playing. So I told them to throw their old music out and gave them some classic marching music that wasn't as contemporary as the 'Star Wars' theme, but sure better. I didn't have much experience with marching bands, but how hard could it be? They knew what they were doing. I hoped.

The rest of the day was pretty good. I found myself liking the kids immensely. They were bright and cool and responded well when I showed them how well I could play. But they were strangely not motivated. That was the most frustrating thing, I found. Many of them had no interest whatsoever in music. They just wanted the credit.

I e-mailed Brian that night. I'd been doing that off and on since he'd left. He always wrote me back and seemed genuinely eager to hear what I was doing. That was a breath of fresh air. I was pretty lonely those days and if not for Whiskey and Max, I might have gone out of my mind. I told him all about the things that had happened with my new kids and he suggested that I bribe them. What an interesting idea.

Brian, in turn, kept me up to date on how the group was doing, how the tour was going, and where they'd be next. He was lonely too, and it came through in every letter he sent me. A lot of them contained the phrase, "Wish you were here." That never failed to bring a smile. I guess he was having regrets.

Anyway, a couple of days later, I implemented a plan of subtle bribery and the kids responded amazingly. The bands all showed marked improvement and the students began to show real interest in the music. I mentioned to some of them that I also taught private lessons, which got that booming. Before I knew it, I was busy and happier than I'd been in a long time.

The marching band did very well in a competition in Colorado and was subsequently invited to go to Ireland over the week before Spring Break to compete. After a lot of debate and speculation, so we decided to go, if we could raise the money. A few days before we were supposed to leave for Christmas, I talked to the principal, got his okay, and assigned a group of students to take care of fundraising. It wouldn't be a cheap trip.

Two days before the break, I got an e-mail from Brian that read, "Josh, why don't you come down to Florida for break? It'd be really fun! You could also help us record the two tracks! They're going to be singles!"

I sat in my chair, stared at the screen for a long time, and thought very carefully. Did I really want to go? I had mixed feelings, obviously. Yeah, it would be cool to see them all again and record those two tracks we wrote. The real question: Should I go? I mean, judging by what Brian wrote in a lot of his e-mails, it seemed like he was kind of stuck on me.

So what was wrong with that? I mean this good-looking, funny, and nice guy liked me. I didn't even know why, and maybe that wasn't even important. What if, when I got down there, he wanted to pick things up? How would I handle that? Could I handle that?

A low whimper from my feet snapped me out of my reverie. Max, who had grown quite a bit, jumped into my lap and licked my face. "What do you think, Max? Should I go down there?" Max whined again, and it sounded like, 'I don't know.'

"Thanks, boy. What a pal...man's best friend my ass." I put him back down on the ground and went in search of his leash. I needed to walk. Needed to clear my head.

The sharply cold night air was just perfect for stimulating thought. 'Why is this so hard?' I wondered, as Max and I meandered along the street. 'I mean, I really do like the guy a lot. But is there more to it? I don't think so. I just don't feel that way about him. I mean, I have a great thing going here. This program, with the kids...it's just getting started. I couldn't leave this.'

'Boy,' a different interior voice spoke up, 'you sure do have a big ego. What makes you so sure he wants to be in a relationship, anyway? What if you don't go down there and miss a chance to do something really cool? You might as well go and see. You could always say no if he does say anything.'

I laughed at myself right there in the middle of the street, in the middle of the ice and snow. Laughed until tears came out of my eyes. I was being a complete idiot, I realized. Even if he did say he wanted to be with me, why did I automatically have to say yes? Duh. God, sometimes I could be really stupid. I was going to go and have a good time. And if things happened...I'd just have to see.

"Separate lives," I mumbled to myself, as I led Max back to the house. I sent a quick note saying I'd be there, and booked a flight. That wasn't easy. During the busiest travel season of the year, it was next to impossible to get flights anywhere, but somehow, I managed to get the proper flights. After that, I went back into my room and played music.

This new house was located in a suburb, if you could call it that, of Casper called Paradise Valley. Ironic name, considering that it was on the edge of town and the mall and more important businesses were around fifteen miles away. Shoot, this was the very, very west end of town.

But it was a nice house. Right on the golf course, with plenty of room for Whiskey, Max, and me. It didn't have a studio, but the basement served well. I didn't have enough room for recitals or anything like that, but with my high school kids, I didn't require one. The younger kids had their recital at a local church. I made friends with a lady who was a piano teacher herself and who was more than willing to give me suggestions on where to hold that stuff.

I keep digressing. I meant to tell about the house. It was two stories, with three large bedrooms upstairs, and my studio/gameroom in the basement. The kitchen was large and done in warm greens and blues, as was the rest of the house. I was right at home with my furniture and things. Everything matched perfectly, and the price of the house was incredibly low. In any other place, that house probably could have gotten $300,000 easy. I only ended up paying $120,000. (I'd gotten more than double that off of my old house.) I loved it.

The day school let out for Christmas, my classes basically sat around talking about what we were going to do for break. "What are you doing for the break, Josh?" one of my favorite students asked.

"Well," I murmured, "I'm heading on down to Florida to see a group of friends I haven't seen in a long time."

"They college buddies or something?" someone asked.

"No, I met them in Arizona when they came to...uh...well, they were playing a concert," I said.

"They're a band?"

"Yep, but probably not anyone you'd know." It was better, I thought, not to say who it was. As it was, I had a hard time believing it happened, and I didn't want the kids to think I was making this up. "I guess I'm going to give them a hand recording a couple of tracks on an album." I regretted that the moment it was out of my mouth.

"Like on a CD?" another student asked.

I nodded and shifted around on the desk. I sat there all the time. It was my perch and my way to feel at least a little taller around these kids. "Uh-huh. They're a very new band and, um, we wrote some songs together. I'm going to be playing violin and sax on the tracks." I cut that subject off and talking about practicing over the break.

With all my plans made, everything taken care of, I boarded the plane to Orlando with no misgivings. That was my first time on an airplane and it went pretty smoothly. I was nervous about landing, but even that wasn't too bad. We touched down without incident and soon we were disembarking.

I glanced around the terminal as soon as I grabbed my bags. It was a big airport, Orlando International, and there were a lot of people. I would have missed Brian if he hadn't walked up to me and scared the crap out of me. He grabbed me from behind and wrapped his arms around me.

"Gimme all your money," he said gruffly.

I jumped a little, but realized who it was. "Brian, you'd better let go before people start to get suspicious," I reminded him quietly. My face turned beet red as I noticed some people giving us odd looks. "Damn," I swore softly.

"Now, now, none of that," Brian scolded cheerfully. He stepped in front of me and grinned. "It's good to see you, Josh." He grabbed two of my bags and then led me out of the terminal. The car he'd driven was about as nondescript as they came. Plain gray Ford Taurus. There were a thousand cars like it in the city.

"I thought you had a BMW," I said, as we threw the bags into the trunk.

"I do, but people know it. They don't know this car because it's just like a hundred other cars here. So when I really need to go incognito, there you are." He grinned and although his eyes were hidden behind a pair of oversized shades, I knew they were sparkling.

"Oh. Well that's cool. So what's up?"

"Not much. I'm glad you came, though. I've, um, been thinking about you a lot lately."

"Have you?" I mumbled, looking away. "What about?"

He grinned and pulled off the shades. His eyes were indeed sparkling with mischief. "Oh, nothing bad, I promise. In fact, I was thinking of nice things to say and...do."

I was confused. "Ah, what do you mean?"

"You know, what we can do around town with Kevin and AJ. They're still here. Nick and Howie took off for the break, although they'll be around in a few days when we hit the studios." He sobered a bit. "Do you mind doing that for us?"

"No," I answered slowly. "But I might say I'm insulted if that was the only reason you invited me down here."

"It wasn't. No, we all wanted you down here."

That was a surprise. "Really? Why?"

Brian looked at me as if I was just stupid. "We all liked you and you're a group friend now. Why is it so hard for you to accept that? We think you're cool, so we want to hang out."

"Mm...okay." I wondered what the catch was. There was always a catch. Friendship, love, business; none of it was ever free. There were always strings attached. That was another sad fact of life I'd discovered. "So...if I said I don't want to record those things for you, what would you say?"

"Go home," he said promptly, but then grinned. "I don't care if you don't want to do it. You don't have to. We just thought it'd sound better that way. That's all."

"Oh. That's cool then. I'm planning on helping you out, you know. I just wanted to be sure." I relaxed and took in the scenery. I'd never been to Orlando or Florida before, and there was a lot to take in. It was a nice place. A lot different than any other places I'd been. A lot of people, a big city, but a lot of nice places, too. This place had to be at least fifty times bigger, in population, than Casper.

Brian's house was in a gated community on one edge Orlando. A wise move, considering, although I wondered how effective it was. I mean, on the way over, he told me that he still had trouble with people stealing his mail or trying to come into the house. No matter how hard he tried, they just didn't seem to know when to stop. Something about that was deeply disturbing. I mean to be obsessed with someone to the point where you'd waste an entire vacation just to check out his house and maybe get a glimpse of him coming or going? Yikes.

Kevin and AJ were already at Brian's when we got there. They came outside to help me unload my stuff: I had my sax and Stradivarius with me so that I could use them in the studio, and then my two travel bags. With the four of us, it took one quick load and then we were able to greet each other properly.

"Good to see you again, Josh," Kevin said, somewhat reservedly, although we did shake hands.

AJ wasn't anywhere near as inhibited. He wrapped me up in bear hug, as if I were a long lost cousin. "Hi, Josh!" he exclaimed. "How ya been, man?"

He was crushing my ribs. "Damn, AJ, take it easy. You trying to break my ribs?"

"Sorry," he said, letting go and stepping back. His hair, I saw, was several different shades, most notably red, green, and yellow.

"Nice 'do. Going for the festive look?" I teased. "And I'm fine, by the way. I've been doing great."

"I'm touched," AJ said dramatically. "You noticed my special style. I did it just for you, my love." He scooted close enough so that I could see the full effect. "You like?"

I played along. "I like, I like. Just for me, huh? My hero! When do we get married, baby?"

"Why, on Christmas day, silly," he said.

"Okay, okay," Brian cut in, face split with a grin, but eyes serious. He still hadn't told his friends about himself and although it was really not my business, it bugged me. "Play time's over, boys."

"Aw, is someone jealous?" AJ asked, all wide-eyed innocence. He gave Brian an odd look then, which Brian did his best to ignore. "I thought you were straight." Although the words came out lightly, I could have sworn there was some seriousness in them.

"Oh, you are so dead!" Brian yelled, chasing AJ down. The ensuing wrestling match, while funny, got old quickly, so I sat on the couch in the living room and started talking to Kevin.

"So, how's life been treating you, Kevin? Did you enjoy your tour?"

For some reason, the questions seemed to put him at ease. He settled back into a chair and smiled softly. "It was great. I can't remember a better tour. We got to go places we'd never been before and it was pretty cool. I like the city life, but we even played some smaller towns, which were even cooler. I liked checking out the museums and restaurants."

"That's cool. Are you happy to be back home, though?"

"Of course. Dorothy knew what she was talking about. No matter where we go, there is no place like home. My mom and Brian's family are coming down here the day after tomorrow. We really can't leave because we're doing that stuff in the studio, so they're all coming up here." He smiled. "But hey, it's the price of being a star. So are you going to help out?"

"That's why y'all dragged me here, right?" I said, only half-kidding.

"Of course not. I mean, no one's going to hate you if you don't. It's just...well, we've been working on those songs a lot, just the five of us. We played them together until we could do them in our sleep. Then we tried to get the band in on it and they...ah, they wanted to change a few things here and there and take over playing it for us." His emerald eyes met and locked with mine. "We told them no."

"Good," I said with an usually paternal pride. "Were they pissed?"

"No," he answered slowly. "They just don't want to have any part of these pieces of music, so if you don't, it won't sound the same."

"Well, that's okay. You saw that I brought my sax and violin, right? Why else would I bring them if not to help you out?"

"You're all right, Josh," Kevin said, chuckling. He sobered and glanced over to where AJ and Brian were just starting to wear down. "Um, Josh, there's something I need to talk to you about, but not here. Do you mind taking a walk for a little bit?"

I shook my head a little nervously. "That's...fine, Kevin." 'God, what does he want? He looks like he wants to say something really important. This could be a little unpleasant.'

"Hey Brian," Kevin called to his cousin, "Josh and I are going to take a short walk outside and talk about a few things. We'll be back."

"Can I come?" Brian asked, popping into the room.

"No, I think you'd better just hang out. It won't take very long." God, he looked so serious.

AJ saw it too. "Jeez, Kev, take it easy on the kid. He just got here."

"The kid?" I asked, with an arched eyebrow. "First Brian and now you."

"Actually," Brian said sheepishly, "we've all been calling you that."

"Oh." It didn't bother me that much, but still didn't strike me as a very nice thing to say. But when I looked into those blue eyes full of mischief, I knew I couldn't stay mad. I'd probably forgive him for anything.

"Come on, Josh," Kevin said, walking toward the door.

Once we were outside, I was the one who started asking questions. "What's going on? Did I do something to make somebody mad or something?"

Kevin kept his eyes fixed on the sidewalk in front of him and didn't answer. He looked deep in thought, and by the frown he wore, those thoughts were troubling. It was pretty quiet. No kids ran loose in the streets and there were no other people out walking around. It was cool enough for a jacket, but not cold by any means. No, cold was the weather in Casper just before I'd left. We'd had a stretch of sub-zero weather, which I was told was actually pretty mild. No, this place was mild.

Kevin had been quiet for so long that I wondered if he was ever going to say anything. About ten minutes had passed and so far, he hadn't made a sound, just walked with those long, ground-eating strides of his while I struggled to keep up. I thanked God I was in good shape because otherwise, I'd have been panting and out of breath.

Finally, he looked at me quickly before returning his eyes to the ground. "Is there something going on between you and Brian?" he blurted.

I stopped short, almost falling over with shock. What the hell kind of question was that? Seeing that I had stopped, Kevin walked back over and stared at me. "W-what...what do you mean?" I stammered. My thoughts were racing about thousand miles a minute.

Kevin shifted impatiently from foot to foot. "Look, drop the act. I know about Brian. He's been down for the whole trip, but for some reason always seemed to perk up when he heard from you. And when you told him you'd come, he practically had a fit. So are you like...together or something?"

The picture suddenly snapped into clarity. "No," I said. "Nothing ever happened. How do you know, though? I thought he said he didn't tell you." Oh, God. He'd just tricked me into telling him. "Wait a minute. You didn't know, did you?"

"I had my suspicions," he said quietly. "The way he's been acting lately. He's careful enough about what he says, but when I saw the way he looked at you today, I knew it." There were several emotions written clearly in his eyes: resignation, a little fear, and worry. On the other hand, there was no disgust or anger. I'd run into that before too. "So...there's nothing at all going on?"

I bristled at that. What did he think I was? "Look, that's not me, okay? I mean, yeah, we thought about it. Thought about it but never acted on it. We're friends, Kevin. Maybe he wants to be more, but I'm not going to take advantage of him or force him into anything. Nor will he force me into anything. We're two people living separate lives. I don't want to give up my life and I know he doesn't want to give up his, so we just said it'd be better not to start."

Kevin looked taken aback by that. "Oh," he said lamely. "I'm sorry, Josh. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I'm just worried about Brian; that's all. He hasn't been himself and now that you're here, he's back to normal. What else was I supposed to think? None of his other friends have been able to get him to snap out of it."

'Oh great. This is just what I need.' "I see. Well, I guess I don't really blame you then. Not if it's been that bad."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"W-um...if, I mean...would you have...gotten involved with him? If he really wanted it, that is?"

"If we had met in another time and another place, maybe. But, the way things went, no. Um, you know, I really do like him, Kev. I like him a lot, but the truth is that I'm being selfish for a change. I have a job I like, a great group of people back home, and I don't want to give any of that up. For the first time in my life, I'm content. I just don't know if I want to change that. I mean, what would life be like with him? Months of not knowing where he is or what he's doing? Maybe getting to see him for a couple of months out of the year? I can't handle that." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. These people, Brian, AJ, and Kevin, had this amazing ability to force me to confess things I had only just begun to think about. No one, not even David, got me to do it before.

Kevin, meanwhile, looked sad. "That's too bad, Josh. You do have a point, though. Of course, you could always come on tour with us and do it that way."

"And do what? Mooch off of all of you for the rest of my life?"

"No. You could help us write songs and stuff, maybe even join the band, not the group, though."

Now that was an interesting possibility, but not one I would entertain for a while. "You trying to set us up or something?" I asked dryly. "Is that what this is all about?"

This time, Kevin's grin was completely genuine, and it stretched from ear to ear. "Maybe. What if I was?"

"Why? Brian said that you, uh, weren't that...um, comfortable with homosexuality."

His smile disappeared quickly. "Well lately, I've had to rethink my opinions," he answered tightly. "It wasn't really that I had a problem with it; it was just that I was raised with certain ideas about it. I mean, my family is very religious and you know how that goes. I'm a lot better than I was in the past."

"And now you have to deal with Brian," I said. "He said he's known for two years, and has been afraid to tell you because he was afraid you'd hate him." I could afford to be candid here; although it really wasn't my problem, I decided to but in. Sometimes having an objective third party helped clear things up.

He frowned. "I didn't know that. It's been that long?"

"Mm-hmm."

"How did I miss it?"

"Maybe you didn't want to see it," I suggested tiredly. It had been a long flight and the jet lag was finally starting to catch up. It only felt like eleven in the morning, but it was after one in the afternoon.

"Yeah, maybe," he agreed.

"You know," I murmured, "you really ought to talk to him one of these days. It'll help him a lot to know you're behind him. I don't know how tough he's had it, but hiding something like that for two years probably wasn't very easy."

Kevin nodded thoughtfully. "That's a good idea. Plus the others should probably know."

"Well, that's his call for right now."

We started to walk back toward Brian's house. "So why," I asked, "were you trying to set us up?"

Kevin's smile resurfaced. "Oh, I wasn't. Not really. It's just that he seems kind of...fond of you."

'Wonderful. Just what I need.' "Well, so, are you okay with this?"

"With Brian? Yeah. He's my cousin, family, so why should this change anything?" The question seemed to irritate him a little, and I realized that it was probably somewhat rude. I shut my mouth.

We were only a block away from Brian's house when Kevin said, "You know, you never did answer my question. Would you join the tour that way?"

"I don't know. That's not something I could just do spur of the moment. I'd still feel like I was mooching."

"Good lord, Josh, you do have a hard time letting people do things for you, don't you? I think anyone else I could think of would jump at the chance."

"Are you offering?"

"No, this is hypothetical."

I stopped again just outside Brian's front gate. "Look, like I said, I do like your cousin a lot. I can't say I wouldn't like to have relationship with him, but...I don't think I could handle it. I couldn't say anything to anybody, and that's the bad part. I'm pretty open about my sexuality and to hide a relationship is not something I really want to do."

"You know, I've heard a lot of excuses," Kevin countered quietly as he leaned on the fence. "You sit here and say 'I'm so happy with life' and 'it wouldn't work.' Personally, I think you're just afraid to get involved."

"Think whatever you want," I muttered. "Just think about what I said. You really should tell Brian." With that said, I turned and walked up to the door.

"Just a second," Kev said. "Don't be mad. I didn't mean to piss you off."

"Don't worry about it." I sighed, pushed the door open, and walked in.

"Yo," Brian called out from his spot on the couch, "dude what was going on out there?" His voice held concern. "What did he say that pissed you off so bad?"

Kevin walked in just then, so I didn't answer. "So, boys," he said brightly, "what's going on?"

"What were you talking about out there, Kevin?" AJ asked quietly. That seemed so out of character for him. "It looked really serious, and Josh looked like you really hurt his feelings."

Dropping his cheerful façade, Kevin glanced over in my direction and said, "Brian, I need to talk to you. It's pretty important."

"Uh-oh," Brian said, trying and failing to be lighthearted. "Now it's my turn."

"Hey, Kev, step back outside for just a second," I said quickly.

"What?" he asked, once we were back outside.

"Are you sure you want to deal with this right now? I mean, jeez, you just found out. Don't you want to take a little time and think about this before you do something you'll regret?"

Kevin looked at me like I had asked the world's stupidest question. "I'm not going to do anything I'll regret. Have a little faith. I know how to deal with him."

"Okay," I sighed. "You know, this is weird. I got here less than an hour ago and already things are all mixed up. Why do things always happen so fast lately?"

"Dunno." He went back inside and I followed.

"Just take it easy," I cautioned.

Kevin and Brian left the room, leaving AJ and I alone. I felt as if I'd been through hell and back. Maybe it was jet-lag, but I had a feeling it was more like emotional conflict. What Kevin had said about me hiding behind a bunch of excuses had cut me to the quick. That's what I was doing, all right. I was hiding, and until now, I'd been able to justify it. But now...My musings were cut off when AJ cleared his throat to get my attention as I flopped down onto the couch.

"Are you okay, man?" he asked.

I nodded. "Mm-hmm."

"You sure? You looked really hurt by what Kevin said out there. Did he give you crap?" AJ looked ready to jump to my defense. "Sometimes he can be way too serious for his own good."

"No, no. No, that's okay." I grinned and tried to shake off my bad mood. "My white knight, riding in on his white horse to save me!"

"Das right, baby!" he agreed excitedly.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" I had suddenly sobered.

"What?"

"I don't want to make things awkward, even though I know I will, but does my being gay ever bother you?"

With no hesitation whatsoever, AJ shook his head. "Not at all. I've never had a problem with anyone being gay. It's just something that happens and you don't have any control over it." His dark eyes became shrewd. "Was that what Kevin was talking to you about?"

"Kind of, but he said he's changed his perspective and he's more tolerant." I wondered what Brian and Kevin were talking about in the room. "But some of it had to do with Brian, too." Oh shit. Me and my big mouth. I hadn't even thought about what I'd said.

"What about him?"

"Nothing really important."

AJ was persistent. "Did you know Brian's gay?" he asked. My eyes must have tried to pop out of my head, because he doubled over laughing. Under more control, he said, "Oh come on, Josh. You don't live with someone for almost six years and not know about things like that. Nick, Howie, and I have known for a while now. We just never told Kevin or Brian that we knew."

"Why?" I asked. "You would have saved both of them a lot of trouble. Brian thinks you guys are going to kick him out over it."

"Over something like that? You've got to be kidding me."

"He was afraid you'd change your attitudes toward him."

"We won't. See, we didn't tell him because we thought he should tell us when he was ready. Did he tell you?"

"Yeah."

"Wow. So...are you guys, like, an item? Is that why he was e-mailing you and talking about you so much? He always seemed to be a little happier when you did e-mail him." There was a big difference in the way AJ asked and the way Kevin had asked. It was a lot more casual and funny when AJ did it, and it didn't put me on edge, as it had with Kevin.

"How many times am I going to have to answer this question? I did not have sexual relations with that woman...er, with that man." Okay, okay, so I didn't do a very good Clinton impersonation. I guess I was too honest. "Naw, AJ, nothing at all went on between us, nor is anything likely to happen. That's all I'm going to say, so don't ask anything else." I got up and paced like a restless animal, but while I did, I took in the décor. Not bad, especially with Christmas trimmings up. He had a good sense of style, with the blue-on-blue motif. The walls were off-white, but the carpet was light blue with darker blue couches and chairs. He had an oak coffee table, no lamps, a-

"Josh!" Kevin called from the end of the hallway. "Come here, would you?"

"You want to come, AJ?" I asked, before starting down the hall.

"Sure. I'm feeling a little left out." He got up and followed a pace behind, conveniently using my head as an armrest. "You're just the right height, shorty."

"Don't call me that," I said. "You can call me anything you want, even the kid, but don't call me shorty. I hate it."

"Sorry, kid," he said with an insolent grin.

The room we walked into was a comfortable office, also done in blue. A big desk dominated the center of the room, and in the corner, there was a guitar stand, which was currently empty. I liked it, though. It was warm and felt like home.

Brian was slumped in his chair and Kevin had taken a seat on the desk. They both looked up when we came in, and both frowned at AJ. Their expressions were so identical that I started chuckling. "It's okay, guys. He knows. They all know."

"What?" Once again, the two cousins were in perfect unison.

This time both AJ and I started laughing. "He didn't tell me," AJ finally managed to say. "Brian, the five of us have been tight for years. Did you really think you could hide something like this?"

"I guess not," Brian sighed. He looked to me with teary eyes and said, "Well, the cat's out of the bag a lot sooner than I thought."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled, face going red. "I guess it's my fault."

"It's okay," he said. "I'm not upset. I'm just glad that this is finally through. I wanted to thank you, actually. But I got another surprise instead. What a year, huh?"

Kevin looked harried and tired. "Well, we're not going to kick you out or anything, like I said, so don't worry. It's pretty stupid to get worked up over something that you can't change."

"Yeah," AJ agreed. "Rok, I just want to say that we, Howie, Nick, and I, we've got your back. You don't have to worry about things changing with us, because nothing has." He gave Brian that look again and smiled. "I don't know why people make such a big deal about it anyway. It's not like you have a contagious disease."

"Amen to that," I said. "So, now that we've laid that monster to rest, can we please get on with having a good time?"

Three real smiles came my way. "What do you want to do?" Brian asked. He sat up straight in his chair and wiped his eyes with the back of one of his hands.

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Just something to lighten the mood, I guess. Did you have any plans?"

"Dinner later, and maybe a movie. There are some cool new flicks out that I want to see now that we have time off. I don't know what we can do this afternoon, though. We were just kind of putting up decorations and stuff."

The decorator inside smiled, and then I smiled outside. "Are you done?"

"Nope."

"So let's go finish, then."

"There's still a lot to do," AJ said, from his spot against the doorframe. "We'd just gotten started when he took off to go get you."

I shrugged. "That's okay. Do you know how long it's been since I got a chance to do something like this? I haven't had a real Christmas in...years." Almost seven years, now, since that last time I'd celebrated Christmas with anyone, and about twice that since I'd celebrated a real Christmas. "David always leaves for France with his parents and most of my other friends are busy, so it's been just me. And my animals."

Kevin and Brian looked at each other uncomfortably. "That's, uh, that's too bad, Josh," Kevin said. "Where's your family?"

"They're dead," I said bluntly. "But that's ancient history, and something I don't want to get into. So, let's go do something." I hopped off the desk and headed out into the living room again. Just as I did, the front door opened, and a tall woman with blond hair and hazel eyes walked in, carrying a pudgy chihuahua.

"Um, hi," she said, looking me up and down. "Who are you?"

"Uh, I'm Josh," I answered. "A friend of Brian's."

"Josh? Oh, right, Brian said he was going to go pick you up. So you're the Josh? The one the group met in Arizona?" She set the dog down, and he immediately ran over to me, growling and shaking by turns. He sniffed my feet for a little bit, lost interest, and tore toward the back.

I followed the dog with my eyes and nodded to the woman. "Yeah, that's me."

She smiled and stuck out her hand. "Well, I'm Leighanne Wallace, Brian's girlfriend. It's nice to finally meet you."

Brian's...? What the hell? Oh yeah. He said he had a cover. From the looks of things, she lived here. Hmmm... I smiled back and shook hands, dismissing the thought out of mind. "Everyone's back in Brian's office," I said helpfully.

"No we're not!" AJ yelled, right behind me. I jumped almost a foot, and when I came back down, my heart was racing about a hundred miles an hour.

I whirled around quickly and delivered a short punch into his ribs. It wasn't that hard, but he winced anyway. "Dude, if you ever do that again, I swear you'll be without a head," I growled.

"Jeez, sorry," he said, without the slightest hint of remorse. "Ah...hi, Leighanne." He looked around awkwardly at Brian, who managed to look like he was happy to see his "girlfriend."

"Hey, baby," he said, walking over to her and giving her a peck on the cheek. Even though I knew it was only show, bile rose into my throat. I felt bad for Leighanne because it seemed unfair to be strung along like that. What a rotten thing to do. I bet he even told her he loved her. God, how was she going to react when she found out?

"I missed you," she whispered to him. I rolled my eyes, closed the door, and went to a box of Christmas decorations. AJ came over and the two of us started working without comment, while Leighanne whispered sweet nothings to a guy who was just pretending to want her.

After a while, they moved to the couch and watched AJ and me. They made helpful suggestions, which we ignored. Between the two of us, AJ and I decorated the big fake tree (it looked wonderful in shades of red and blue), put up lights sparingly around the inside of the house, wrapped the banisters in red and gold garland, and then hung stockings. There wasn't a real fireplace, but he had an area that was just about perfect, so we hung them there. My God, there were a bunch of them. One for each Backstreet Boy, Brian's parents, his brother, Leighanne...and lastly, one for me. I almost cried when I saw my name on one of those big red fuzzy stockings.

I cleared my throat and quickly stuck it up on the wall with the others. Ten stockings. "Okay," I said quietly, turning back to them. "I think this house is as done as it's going to get."

Brian looked acutely uncomfortable, I observed, as I took a seat in one of the chairs. "It looks nice," he said. His eyes pleaded for me to save him. I could have, but he needed to take care of this one on his own.

"Uh, so, what's your schedule for the next couple of weeks?" I asked both Brian and AJ.

"You know, that's the weird thing," AJ said. "We've only got one photo shoot and one or two sessions in the studio. Other than that, we don't have a thing to do."

"What about New Year's? I thought I heard you were putting on a show then. You know, to commemorate the new millennium."

"We decided not to," Brian said. "We have yet another tour coming up in a few weeks, so we're taking as much time off as we can. We had to fight tooth and nail for this time off, but I'm glad we did. You have no idea how tired we get of touring."

"Why, Brian," I gasped, mock-seriously, "you're not supposed to talk that way. What would happen if your fans found out you don't like playing for them?"

"Oh, shut up," he grumbled.

"My, we're grumpy today," Leighanne commented.

"Not for you, baby," Brian said to her, his southern drawl turning to pure gooey sweetness. I could very cheerfully have throttled him.

AJ apparently read my mind, because he barked, "Brian!" and then said, "Can I talk to you for just a second?"

"What?"

"Come back here."

That left Leighanne and I alone out there. "Uh, so, you've never met Brian's parents, have you?" she asked.

"No," I said. "Funny thing is that I only hung around with these guys for a day and haven't seen them since. We've just been keeping in touch over the 'net. So when are they coming, anyway? Nobody told me."

She smiled and settled back on the couch. "That's typical Brian. He forgets to tell people things, and sometimes those things are awfully important. They're coming the day after tomorrow."

'Yeah, he sure does forget,' I agreed silently. 'Like he forgot to tell you he was gay.' "Thanks. Have...have you heard the new music yet?" I was just trying to make conversation.

Her eyes brightened. "Yeah, I did. I thought it was great. You know, they've put a lot of time into practicing it and I think people are going to really start to see that they're not as shallow as everyone says."

"You know, I don't think they are the ones who are shallow. It had more to do with the type of music. They don't play their own instruments and the music usually doesn't have any significance other than to get people to party or to sing about love. So people mistakenly think, 'Oh, shallow music must be made by shallow people.'" I smiled again and looked out the front window.

"That's a good point," Leighanne said. "Plus, there have been a few shallow acts in the past that have really wrecked things for most acts now."

That was also a good point. "True," I agreed. "I don't know what it is, but this group is different, anyway. I mean, I've heard the stuff the other groups put out and Backstreet has a different feel. They have a style all their own."

She smiled and nodded. "I see why the guys like you so much. You just call it like you see it."

That made me blush. I found myself liking her too. She had a quick mind, and while a little reserved, she was still pretty friendly. "Thanks," I said.

Brian, AJ, and Kevin all walked out together and none were smiling. >From the hurt look in Brian's eyes, I guessed AJ had laid into him pretty hard. Well, he brought it on himself. I could see wanting to have a cover, but not to the extent of stringing someone along. Leighanne was in for some major heartache.

Why was I so worried about her? Simple. I'd been in her situation before. I had been strung along by someone I thought really cared, when it turned out he was just jerking me around (no pun intended). Talk about heartbreaking. It was something I would never wish on anyone, so I felt kind of protective of her.

As Brian, Kevin, and AJ entered the room, the tension was so thick it was almost touchable. "What's going on?" Leighanne asked quietly. "What's wrong, Brian?"

Brian seemed to rouse himself momentarily. "Huh? Oh, nothing." His smile was forced; little more than a stretching of his lips. "Nothing at all."

"Oh, come on," she protested. "I know when you're lying. What's going on?"

"Just...look, I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? I promise you we'll talk later." He glared at Kevin and AJ while he said that. They must have stuck him pretty hard in his sense of responsibility. Good.

She stood up and eyed the three of them coldly. "Look, I don't know what's going on here, but I would really appreciate not being pushed aside like this. I am your girlfriend, Brian, and if there's a problem, you should just tell me."

Could this get any worse? What a mess. Leighanne, Kevin, and AJ were all staring at Brian, with more or less identical expressions of irritation. Brian looked like a deer caught in headlights. But what was he going to do? He'd probably already been raked over the coals for his little charade once. And that would doubtless be nothing compared to what Leighanne would say.

Little by little his resolve wore away, and little by little, his shoulders slumped. "Okay, look," he said to the floor, "there is something I have to tell you. It's...um..."

Kevin interrupted his cousin quickly. "Hey, Josh, AJ, let's give them some privacy. Brian, we're going to, uh, hit the mall for a while, um, do some Christmas shopping or something, okay?"

"Yeah, sure," Brian mumbled.

"Come on," Kevin said to the two AJ and me. We followed as fast as we could. God, that was not something any of us wanted to watch. We piled into Kevin's car and all simultaneously let go of the breath we'd been holding.

"What the hell is going on?" I muttered with a touch of anger. Dammit, I was here for a good time, and so far I wasn't having one. "Okay, I don't know which one of you orchestrated this, but the timing sucks. You could have waited at least until I got a chance to get settled in."

"We didn't orchestrate any of this," AJ said from the front seat. "But the timing does suck. Jeez, we didn't mean for this all to come out like this." He laughed suddenly. "No pun intended."

"I'm sorry, Josh. We aren't usually like this," Kevin added.

"Oh, you mean you don't make a habit of making things awkward and uncomfortable?" I teased, although it came out a little more sharply than intended. "Sorry. That was unfair. I know things weren't supposed to go like they did. That seems to happen every time I'm around."

Kevin sighed. "Well, since they're living together, it's going to be even more difficult. I really wish he'd said something before and saved us all the trouble."

"I feel sorry for her," I remarked. "He was really just kind of using her."

"It really seemed like he was into her," AJ said. "She's pretty nice, but did you know she's 30?"

Wow. Quite an age difference. "No, I didn't," I answered trying not to sound too shocked. I didn't want to talk about that anymore so, I changed the subject. "So when are Nick and Howie coming back?"

"Three days," AJ answered. "We've got studio time coming up then. They're bringing their families and Brian's going to have a big shindig on Christmas day. Didn't he tell you any of this?"

I shook my head. "Well, I really haven't had much of a chance to talk to him yet. He never bothered to e-mail me, either."

"He forgets," AJ shrugged.

That was the second time in just a short while that someone had made that comment. "That's what Leighanne said."

"It's true. He's the worst one about getting phone messages to us. My mom called with some important news once, and Brian talked to her. I didn't get the message for almost two days, when I'd needed to talk to Mom that day." AJ shook his head. "Looks like he forgot in a big way to tell Leighanne something, too."

"I was thinking the same thing," I said. "But let's not deal with that right now."

"Good idea," Kevin said. "I really do want to get some Christmas shopping done, by the way. That just gave me a convenient excuse to get out of there."

"Cool," AJ said. He fell silent, as did the rest of us until we got to a large mall about ten minutes away from Brian's house. Before the three of us got out of the car, Kevin and AJ donned shades and ball caps.

AJ threw a wry grin in my direction. "Doesn't always work, but most of the time, people don't recognize us. We've gotten to be escape artists. Being mobbed and chased gets old in a hurry."

"I bet. Although I bet you wouldn't mind if you were chased by a group of beautiful women."

"Got that right," AJ grinned. "As long as they were old enough to drink."

"Not into the ten-year-old crowd, huh?" I teased.

"Nope. I'm taken anyway. Happily taken." His grin was wide and infectious.

"And do you get taken?" I asked archly, only kidding.

Both Kevin's and AJ's eyes flew open. "Pardon me?" AJ choked. "Do...I...That's not something you're supposed to ask!" He started laughing and blushing at the same time.

"Why not?" I was still kidding. "I'm not a reporter. Who am I going to tell?"

"Yeah, but..."

Finally, I had to laugh. "I'm just kidding, you dork. Aren't I allowed to have a joke? I really couldn't care less whether you get laid or not." We hit the doors and walked into the mall.

"Okay, okay," AJ muttered. He'd instinctively ducked his head so that people walking toward us couldn't really see his face.

"Do you want to split up?" Kevin asked AJ.

"Yeah," AJ said. "Tell you what: we'll meet back here in, say, an hour." He glanced at me. "You want to tag along with me? Or would you rather go with Kevin?"

"I think I'll just go off on my own. I'm a big boy, and I think I can find my own way."

"Are you sure?" Kevin looked doubtful. "This is a pretty big place. You could get lost in a heartbeat."

"I'll be okay," I assured him. "Really."

"Okay. An hour then."

I nodded and started walking in the opposite direction. The place was huge, I had to admit, but we'd come in by Old Navy and that was pretty simple to remember. God this place ruled. There were all kinds of curio shops, which were my favorite. I had a habit of going into these places and staying for as long as an hour looking at the little knickknacks on the shelves. The more unique the better. The first shop I looked into was one of those.

I went in and looked around, got lost in the shelves and displays of collectibles. There were wolf-head necklaces and pendants, which I collected, and subsequently ended up buying. They had puzzles, and brainteaser games, lava lamps and kinetic motion machines (I had once stood staring at those things for an hour...simple entertainment for a simple mind, I guess), black light posters, all kinds of stuff. I forced myself to leave the store after ten minutes because I did have shopping to do.

Hmm...what to get everyone? What would I get for people I had only met once before and didn't know that well? Did I have to buy them anything? Maybe I could write another song...no. I passed several stores. A video game store. Nick. Bingo. He'd gotten a Dreamcast, according to Brian, and was currently collecting games for it. That wasn't hard. Games were pretty scarce so far, but this store had a great selection, and I grabbed two new ones that looked good.

That didn't take long at all, and after I got done, I started walking around again. In another store, I came across a beautiful snow globe with a panda inside that played a very pretty piece of music and thought instantly of AJ. Somewhere along the line, I'd seen his panda tattoo, and knew he liked them. Bang. Two down, three to go.

Passing a novelty jewelry store, I saw what I wanted to get for Brian. It was a gold necklace with a small golden guitar pendant hanging on it. Okay, so it wasn't the coolest thing in the world, but hey, he'd probably like it. I went in to get it, and as I went to pay for it, I asked the clerk, a good-looking, bleached-blond young man, "Can I get this engraved?"

The clerk nodded, jade green eyes showing a flash of interest. "Yeah, we do that. What do you want it to say?"

"True music comes from the heart," I answered after a moment's thought. "How long will it take?"

"Be ready tomorrow," he answered, jotting down the words. "This for a friend?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Oh. Cool. Okay." He rang me up and I paid for it all in advance. 'Money well spent,' I thought as I walked out with the receipt in hand. Three down.

What about Kevin and Howie? I walked around and tried to think as I passed the different stores. Passing a very trendy store, I saw a very unique, dark crimson silk shirt that would look smashing on Howie. I wondered if he had one like it already. Well, if he did, oh well. I'd take it if he didn't want it. As I grabbed it, and looked at the sizes, I saw one that would also look good on Kevin. It was a different cut, had a high collar and was forest green in color. It was silk too, and it was a gorgeous shirt, like the crimson one. Satisfied, I put everything into the big bag and glanced at my watch. Damn, I was good. Ten minutes left to spare.

I went to a novelty store and picked out a bunch of gag gifts: whoopee cushions, disappearing ink, mini squirt guns, little toys to stuff into stockings. So what if they were all a little old. That didn't mean they couldn't have a little fun.

Finally, all shopped out, I headed back the way I came and ended back up in front of Old Navy again. AJ was there, leaning against one wall with his hat pulled low over his eyes, and those eyes fixed on the floor. I approached him quickly. "Ohmigod!" I exclaimed quietly. "Oh, it's AJ!"

AJ's head snapped up quickly, but when he saw me, he smiled. He had a couple of bags in hand, also, I noticed. "Hey, what's up?" he asked. "Get anything for me?"

"Maybe," I said. "If you're good, you'll see."

"Cool. So did you get your shopping done?"

"More or less. I have to come back up here tomorrow and pick up something I bought today. I did get everyone a little something."

"Cool." His eyes flicked over my shoulder. "Kevin, glad you could make it, bud."

Like AJ and me, Kevin had a few bags. He smiled and looked a lot more relaxed than I'd seen him all day. "Guess you didn't get lost after all," he said to me.

"Nope. I didn't have to go very far, either," I said. "I just looked into the shops and when I saw something cool, I grabbed it."

"So you got done with your shopping?"

"Almost. I need to come back up for a minute tomorrow and pick up something I'm having engraved."

Kevin's eyes narrowed slightly, but he smiled. "That's fine. Well, come on. Let's get back up to the house and see if Brian's still in one piece."

It wasn't that late when we took off. On the way back to Brian's, Kevin and AJ talked about how their shopping had gone. Apparently, AJ had been spotted, but after doling out a few autographs had escaped. Kevin hadn't even been spotted. With a hat and shades on, he was about as nondescript as the next guy. AJ, on the other hand, had a recognizable goatee, and that was how he'd gotten caught.

As he talked, AJ fished out a pack of cigarettes and lit up. Kevin flashed him an annoyed look before opening a window. I hadn't known AJ smoked. I'd just assumed, like most people, that none of them smoked. That stereotypical and false squeaky-clean image again.

I managed not to cough too much. I had a mild allergy to cigarette smoke, but thankfully, the smoke mostly went out of the window. AJ and Kevin chattered away in the front, while I just listened. It was a treat to watch the way they got along. They were close, and the ease with which were able to say anything they wanted was still amazing. I'd never really shared that kind of relationship before and it was fascinating to watch.

I began to feel nervous as we approached Brian's house again. I wondered how things had gone between Brian and Leighanne. Well, there was a car missing. When we'd left, there had been another car in front and now it was gone. Uh-oh. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We walked into the house silently. Brian was sitting on the couch with Li'l Tyke. His eyes were red and puffy and his face was tear streaked. He looked at the three of us and managed a weak smile. "Hey guys."

"What happened?" Kevin asked, taking charge in that effortless way. "Did you tell her?"

The right side of Brian's face was bright red, I saw as he turned his head. "Yeah," he husked. "She, uh, she didn't take it well."

"Where is she?" AJ asked.

"I don't know. She s-slapped me, a-and took off." He tried to blink back the tears and talk around the catch in his voice, but couldn't. A pair of tears slid down his cheeks. "I messed up," he sighed, before breaking down a little more. He never quite dissolved into sobs, but he cried hard. All three of us went to him then and offered what comfort we could.

A little while later, once Brian was under more control, the four of us went out for a bite to eat. The mood was a little heavy at first, but Brian snapped out of his funk, and the relief that usually came at "coming out" hit him. He explained what had happened. He'd just told her bluntly. She didn't believe it at first, but then understood. She'd been angry when he made the mistake of telling her that he'd known for two years and had slapped him. Given the circumstances, she was probably justified. After that, she'd walked out.

After getting all that off his chest, Brian was able to fall into his relaxed and funny mood. He became hyper as we waited for our food and chattered about the tour with me while AJ and Kevin watched, eyes sparkling with mirth. Brian's commentary bordered on hysterical. When he was on, he was better than a comedian. I hadn't laughed so hard since the last time I'd seen him.

Even as I was laughing, my mind was thrown back to the last time we'd been together. I had felt the beginnings of something stirring in my heart then, I recalled. There was something about Brian, something different, special. He had a way of catching my attention and holding it in a way no one had before. It wasn't just the comedy or the off- the-wall antics. It was him. Dammit, there I went again. What I had felt came crashing back with a vengeance. How in God's name did that happen?

I tried to banish the thought, but all throughout the evening, it came back. Even as the four of us went to the movies, and got engrossed in an apathetic movie with some no-name hack star, I kept going back to those thoughts. Brian and I ended up sitting together, and at one point, I felt his hand on mine. Startled, I glanced in his direction. He tossed me an impish wink and put his hand back in his lap. I grinned to myself and then turned back to watch the movie. It really was an awful movie, and I was glad when it was over.

"Damn," Kevin muttered as we ducked out of the theatre. "That was horrible."

"No doubt," AJ agreed. "It just kept going and going and going. I was afraid it'd never end. God, and that guy who played...what's his face was awful."

"He couldn't act," Kevin said.

"Tell me about it," Brian said. "I could've done better."

"Blindfolded and half dead," I added. "Jeez, whose idea was it to see this movie?" A chorus of "yours" set me blushing. "Oh. Sorry. What the hell was I thinking?"

"Nothing, as always," Brian teased. "Your brain hasn't gotten here yet."

I showed him my middle finger, just as naturally as you please. "Up yours, buddy."

Brian raised an eyebrow. "No, you'd like that way too much."

Once again, my face turned bright red. He was quick, I'd concede that much. "Uhm...well...ah, anyway, next time, you choose the movie."

"Sure," Kevin said. "So, do you guys want to do something else or do you just want to call it a night?" There was a nasty twinkle in his eye.

I scowled at the ground. "Well, I'm kind of tired. Still not adjusted quite yet."

"And the family is going to be here pretty early, too," Brian added with a grin. "I guess you can just drop us off back at my place."

"Thanks for telling me that, by the way," I chided him. "You forgot and I had no idea until Leighanne told me."

"Oh. Sorry. Must've slipped my mind."

"Mm-hmm." I yawned and stretched tiredly. "Man, oh man, all I want is to sleep."

"God, it's only ten," Kevin said, sounding surprised. "It can't be that bad, can it?"

"I haven't been sleeping well lately," I admitted. "I don't know why, but I'll be okay."

"Well let's get on back then."

In the car, Kevin had a thought. "Say, Brian, what are you going to do about Leighanne? I mean, is she going to move out or are you or what?"

"I don't know," Brian sighed. "We really didn't get that far. If she comes back tonight or tomorrow, I guess we'll have to talk about it, but she was really pissed."

"Yeah, well," I piped up, "don't feel too sorry for yourself. How do you think she felt when she found out you've been stringing her along for however long you've been together? I know what it's like, and I'll bet she's pretty hurt."

"Yeah, no shit, Mr. Morality," Brian snapped. "You don't have to tell me that."

I winced. Oops. When was I ever going to learn to keep my big mouth shut? I wasn't trying to come off as holier-than-thou, but sometimes that's just what happened. "Sorry," I mumbled, as I settled back in my seat. I stared out the window and started going over music in my head to calm down.

I got so wrapped up in the scenery and the music in my head that I missed the rest of the conversation. That sounds pretty weird, but sometimes I just zone out, and that was the perfect time to do it. The city lights were a kind of musical kaleidoscope, a beautiful compliment to the song I was thinking about. Fast and furious.

The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me. "Josh? Josh?"

I came out of my reverie only to realize that we'd stopped. AJ had his hand on my shoulder. "Huh? Oh, right. We're here."

AJ looked both amused and worried. He'd finally taken off his shades, and I could see his dark eyes full of concern. "You okay? After Brian tried to take your head off, you just kind of went to another planet. We even yelled to get your attention, but you just sat there."

I frowned. That didn't sound right; normally I wouldn't zone out that far. Ah well. Maybe I was just more tired than I thought. "Yeah, I'm okay. Sometimes I do that when I don't want to deal with what's going on around me." I got out of the car and headed for the door. "I wasn't kidding when I said I was tired, either."

"Well, we'll probably see you tomorrow. My mom is coming in the afternoon, also, kind of a family get together. Kevin's mom will be down the day after, and then Nick, Howie, and their families are coming up the day after that." He leaned against Kevin's car. "You didn't know most of this, did you?"

"Nope. 'Course I'm used to being the last one to know, too, so it's not any big deal." With another yawn, I said, "Night, AJ. See you tomorrow."

He smiled and called, "Tell Kevin to hurry and get his ass out here. Now I'm getting tired."

"Okay." Brian and Kevin were sitting on the couch already when I walked in. They both looked up and neither smiled.

"It's about time," Brian said. "I thought we were going to have to call 9-1-1 or something."

I took a seat in one of the chairs and just looked at him. Kevin stood up and nodded to the two of us before he headed to the door. "Remember what I said, Brian," he shot to his cousin. "See you tomorrow."

Once we were finally alone, Brian turned back to me with a somewhat pained look. "Josh, I'm sorry I was so rude to you in the car. What happened? We yelled and yelled and you didn't even move."

I just shrugged. "Dunno," I murmured.

"What do you mean? Dude, we were really worried." No, by the look in his big blue eyes, he was the one who was worried.

"It happens sometimes." I still spoke very softly. "Nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?"

"Mm-hmm. I'm here, aren't I?" I felt so calm it was like I was on a drug. It was actually quite amazing. All the tension and frustration and everything else evaporated into a sea of calm.

"Um, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I smiled with some feeling. "Sometimes, when I want to, I can go into my mind and I hear music. Well, after...um, in the car, I just kind of zoned out and was thinking about music. The next thing I knew, AJ was shaking me and we were here. It happens and it's nothing to worry about."

"Oh." He looked relieved and returned the smile. "I really am sorry, you know. Kevin said that I was a total asshole, and I agree. I had no cause to take your head off like I did. And you were right, anyway."

"Ah, just let it go. It's no big deal, now. I sometimes have a way of coming off 'holier-than-thou,' especially when it comes to stuff like this, and I really don't mean to be."

"So, we're cool, now?"

"Yup. Seems like it."

His grin widened until it threatened to take the top of his head off. "Good. So are you really tired?"

"Why?"

"Well, I was...um, wondering if we could...talk for a little while," he said shyly, looking away.

Um...why didn't I like the sound of that? "Uh, okay. What-what about?" I asked, fearing the inevitable, 'I want to fuck you' talk.

But instead, he said, "I-I was wondering if...if you'd tell me a little bit about...about your past. I mean, you don't have to, if you don't want, but...I've told you almost everything there is to know about me. I don't know a thing about you."

For a long moment, I could do little but sit and stare at him again. In all my life, I don't think I've ever been so caught-off-guard as I was by that request. Most people who know me know that I have a lot of things I don't talk about. My past is the biggest one out of all of them. Of course, I'd neglected to mention this to Brian.

I didn't say much for a while. I gave the question a lot of thought. I had never told anyone, not even David, what had happened years ago. So why should I now? Why should I dredge up memories for someone I...I liked a lot? I trusted him, by God. And...I'd been holding this back for so long now. It felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe...maybe it was time to let it go. And why not to someone who did care?

With a new resolve, I looked squarely into those incredible blue eyes. "I want to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone else I ever told you. Uhm, people...people who know me know there are things I-I won't talk about. Ah, my past is one of them. I-I've never told anyone, really. So...so if I tell you, I just want you to know...you'll be the first."

Brian looked surprised himself. "Uh...wait...are you sure you want to do this, then? I don't want to force you to do something you're not ready to do."

I studied the blond highlights in his hair for just a moment. He really did look better with lighter hair color. That was the question, wasn't it? Was I ready to deal with it? Why not? It would only have to be once. One time, and then I'd never have to tell anyone else. So I nodded and smiled tiredly.

"I think I can handle it."

"Well, if you're sure, then I swear to you that whatever you want to say stays between us. I may be forgetful about certain things, but I keep promises." He looked very serious, and for that, I was quite thankful.

My smile widened just slightly. "Thank you." Where to begin? The smile slowly fell from my lips as I thought about what to say. Ah. "Well," I began quietly, "I was born a little more than two months premature. I don't know if you know what happens, but when babies are born that early, sometimes they're in trouble. The lungs usually aren't developed well enough for them to breathe on their own. That's what happened to me.

"My mom was fifteen when she gave birth to me. The guy who'd knocked her up was fourteen. About a week after I was born, they both disappeared and abandoned me in the hospital. It didn't matter much. It didn't look like I'd live long, anyway. I managed to get pneumonia after about a week. They told me I almost died three times. But somehow, I made it.

"Anyway, after they couldn't find my parents, they made me a ward of the state and put me up for adoption. This couple wanted me from the moment they saw me, so even though it didn't look like I'd last very long, they adopted me and christened me Joseph David Robinson, JD for short. And I lived. I lived in an incubator for the first three months of my life. When I was born, I weighed about two pounds, and when I left, I weighed seven.

"But the doctors cautioned that I'd be small. They weren't kidding. Anyway, these people who took me in, Peter and Mary Robinson, were decent people. They weren't rich, but they were well-to-do. Everything they had, their house, the cars, all of it was paid for. They were kind of over protective and I wasn't allowed to do a lot of things other kids were when I was younger. They didn't want me to run and play because they were afraid I'd collapse or something stupid like that. When I was in school, I ran and played just like all the other kids and I never had any problems.

"They wanted me to have some constructive hobbies so when I was five, they started me in music, which was the best thing anyone could have done. I played piano, violin, and guitar, and had a little natural skill. I loved it. I know a lot of kids hate taking lessons, but I thought it was wonderful and threw myself into learning.

"That doesn't sound so bad, does it?" Brian shook his head, but didn't interrupt. I doubted he'd say a word; he wanted me to do this in my own time and in my own way. "It gets pretty bad."

"Something happened around the time I turned seven. My foster parents, whom I'd always known weren't my real parents, changed. They still loved me, but they got distant. Sometimes...sometimes they'd lock me in my room for a day or two to punish me. Sometimes they'd do it just because they could. Peter, he...he got harder, colder. He started hitting me for things I did. Then he did it just for the sake of doing it. I-I still have scars. He'd use the metal end of a belt sometimes." I stopped and took a deep breath and then untucked my shirt and pulled it up a little in back. The area around my kidneys was crisscrossed with scars. I heard Brian hiss a little in sympathy.

"I n-never told anyone," I continued, as I sat back down. "They threatened to take away the music if I did, and by the time I was getting good and didn't want to stop. So I took it. But...God, I hated them. It made me angry and I became bad at school. I started getting in trouble there and getting in more trouble at home.

"We moved around quite a bit. Do you remember what I said back at the Bluffs once upon a when? I was born in San Antonio, but we moved to Denver when I was seven, after we moved around a lot. I went to this school where I was from the wrong side of the tracks. I was a rich white kid. Most of the kids there weren't. So I got picked on a lot and had to fight to prove I wasn't a wimp.

"When I was ten, I took up two more instruments: the sax and trumpet. The lady who taught me said it'd be better if I started with trombone, but I never wanted to. She and I worked with almost all of my instruments, then. The only ones she didn't teach were violin and guitar, but I had another teacher for them. It was what my parents used against me. I had to behave a certain way around them or they'd take away my music. They never did." I had to stop again and take another breath to steady myself. I could feel tears I'd been holding back for a long time pressing my eyes.

"So anyway, getting back to the other part, I finally wised up and got with a group of guys. They were poor white kids, mostly, but they took me in. This one kid...Tom...he-he had a brother, Jim, who was into white supremacist stuff. He was the leader of our gang and...and we-we, uh, we did some...things, um, pretty bad things, to people who were different. Anyone in school who was different, we beat. We had about twenty kids in this group, from ages nine to seventeen. But age didn't matter. Showing who was best did."

I closed my eyes and tried hard to forget the things we had done. People think that there's no racism anymore, now that we have affirmative action, but there still is. What we practiced was proof. The tears started to fall, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Brian walked over to the chair, took my hand, and led me back over to the couch. I was shaking like I never had before, as he put an arm around my shoulders.

But I forced myself to go on. "N-now, looking b-back, I-I've never been s-so ashamed. We shaved our h-heads and carved s-swastikas into our right shoulders." I pulled off the shirt again and showed him the large scar on the back of my right shoulder. "J-Jim did that himself. I was proud of it. I spent two years of my life with that group. In that time, we...we never killed anyone, but...once we, uh, we beat this...group of three young black kids. None of them were older than twelve, but there were about fifteen of us and the group was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"A-After that, I was sick. I didn't want to...to keep doing it. I felt so bad. But I couldn't quit. Couldn't quit. We all toned it down for a while, though. I think we all felt bad for what we did. I mean, before, all we'd done was petty shit, you know, graffiti, vandalism, jd stuff. Beating those kids...was by far the worst thing any of us had ever done.

"Around the time I turned twelve, we had a nasty winter storm. My parents, um, were at a party and Peter had too much to drink. The roads were icy and it was dark. He was doing seventy-five in a forty zone, hit a patch of ice, hit the brakes, and crashed into a van going the other way with six kids in it. Both Peter and Mary died. Neither had worn seat belts. The...the kids in the van...four of them died. So did the driver and his wife. Only two of those kids made it and one was paralyzed."

I looked up at Brian, and was surprised to see tears in his eyes. "S- so, I was an orphan, without parents again. I spent time in eight or nine different foster homes. From the time I was fourteen, until I got my inheritance at eighteen, I lived with different families. None of them were very nice people, and I hated every minute of it. I fought...with almost every single one of those families. Never stayed with one for more than six months.

"I was hard to get along with. I didn't talk to any of them, I got into fights at school, and stuff like that. I learned to play a few more instruments, though. Music was about the only outlet I had. I had my nice violin, the Strad, a small keyboard, and my sax. Then I got into drums and stuff when I was fifteen.

"When I turned eighteen, the state gave me a check that was my inheritance from the Robinsons, minus the cost of my care, expenses for their funerals, stuff like that. The check was for a hundred and forty thousand dollars. Apparently, the Robinsons had left almost five hundred thousand dollars when they'd died.

"So when I got that check, I took off and ended up in Arizona, where I found my house and enrolled in college. They made me stay in the dorms for a semester, but I fixed up the house and was there more than I was ever in the dorms. Like I said, I met David then and eventually we became lovers. He was the one who brought me out for real, and I'm glad he did. He was able to tell before I was, but he never forced me into it. Mostly I did it on my own.

"And I looked for my biological parents, but haven't ever been able to find them. Maybe that's for the best. I changed my name because I wanted to sever ties to the past. I know my biological father's last name was Taylor, so that's what I took. My real name is Christopher Jacob Taylor. People have always called me Josh, and I don't know why." I smiled tiredly. "And so ends that. Oh, and I did go through a little counseling, but it was pretty worthless."

For the longest time, Brian didn't move, didn't speak. He just sat where he was, with his arm around my shoulders, letting my history sink in. It was a lot, although on reflection, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I mean, yeah, it was pretty bad, but I guess I just didn't see why I'd held out telling so long.

Finally, Brian looked over in my direction. His eyes were still full of tears. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I guess...that's all I can say, Josh. It's incredible that you went through that and turned out the way you did. All that really happened?"

I nodded with closed eyes. "Yes. I'm not making it up." I realized quite suddenly that I had never put my shirt back on. No wonder I felt so warm.

Brian saw the same thing, just as I did and he started laughing, dispelling the incredibly heavy mood. He was sitting to my right, with his arm stretched around to my left shoulder, which he began to massage. "No wonder you didn't want to tell anyone," he murmured.

"I've done things I'm not terribly proud of," I said. "I wanted so much to just forget, you know. But I can't. The things we did to those boys still plagues me. The rest of it, I can live with. I mean, it's really not that bad. I wasn't really badly abused or anything like that; once in a while, though, Peter would get pissed and use me as a punching bag."

"You don't know why everyone calls you Josh?" he asked, to change the subject. He continued to massage my shoulder, but also moved to my back.

"Nope. It was a nickname someone tagged on me that's stuck." I sighed. "Now, can we lay the matter to rest?"

"Yes. I'll never ask you to talk about that again. I'm sorry I asked you to in the first place."

"It's okay. It's about time I got that out, and I guess I just needed someone I figured I could trust."

"Couldn't you trust David or any of your other friends?"

"No. David talks too much and I'm really not that close to anyone else."

"Thank you," he said quietly, fixing his eyes on mine.

"For what?"

"For trusting me enough to tell me. I promise I won't ever tell anyone, and I won't bring it up, unless you want me to, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you for listening," I said, wide awake again. Perhaps it was the intimacy of the moment, or the feeling of trust and understanding, but I was overwhelmed with a need to kiss him. I leaned back and turned to do just that when the front door burst open. Leighanne marched through. Guiltily, I jumped back a little.

"What's going on here?" she asked bluntly, taking in the scene of a half-naked man sitting within kissing distance of another.

"Nothing," I said, standing up and grabbing my shirt. "I was just on my way to bed. Good night, Brian, Leighanne." She gave me an odd look as I walked down the hall, but I ignored it.

Sleep was a long time coming, however. I reclined on the bed with my hands crossed under my head and stared at the ceiling. I could hear Brian and Leighanne talking in the living room, but it was pretty amicable. They weren't arguing or calling each other names. Brian apologized and they spent an hour talking things through. I didn't hear all of it, but I caught something about her moving out.

When things quieted down, I was still wide awake. My mind went over and over what I had told Brian that evening. After a while, I canned that and gave some real thought to the whole situation. It was strangely surreal. I knew things about Brian that he hadn't told anyone else, including his cousin or any of the other guys. We were pretty damn close. And I had let him come closer to me than anyone I'd ever known. I trusted him, and I felt something for him. Something like love. Something like it, but not quite. I didn't know him well enough to love him

But what did that mean? What did that say about this whole thing? Could there be something between the two of us? Most certainly there could. He knew it and I knew it. And I think we both wanted it. It would require a lot of sacrifice, though. I'd have to give up my job in Casper and move out here. Did I want to do that? No. I really did like that job, though I didn't particularly like the principal. Plus I owed those kids a lot. They worked so hard for me and it would be stupid for me to abandon them.

I was torn. I really did want to be with Brian, but at the same time, I was bound by my obligation. Maybe he would wait for me. If he wanted me, that was. Of course, I had an opportunity to build something wonderful at that school. Did I really want to give that up? I...no. No, I didn't. So maybe it would be best not to start. Not for a while, anyway.

Finally, after getting through that tangle of thoughts and feelings, I was able to sleep. If I dreamed, I didn't remember them. It was the deepest I'd been able to sleep in a week.

I awoke early the next morning and went into the living room to find Brian already up watching TV. It was around six-thirty; just a bit later than I usually got up. "Morning," I said as I folded up in a chair. "You're up early."

"Mm-hmm," he grunted. "I'm not a morning person, but I couldn't sleep, so I got up."

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

He reached out and took up a cup of coffee. After a quick sip, he said, "I was thinking, mostly." His eyes and tone were serious.

"About what?"

"You...and me."

Uh-oh. "What about us?"

He didn't answer right away. "Well, um, do...do you think...there can, uh, be an...an 'us'?"

"As in you and me together?" I asked, knowing perfectly well that that was what he meant.

"Um, yeah. Last night, you...were going to kiss me, weren't you? Just before Leighanne walked in?"

I hesitated before nodding. "I was, but look, I had a lot of time to think last night because I couldn't sleep very well either. I thought a lot about 'us,' believe me. But...Brian, I have to be honest. I do like you an awful lot. I've let you get closer to me than anyone ever has. I think maybe I'm even starting to fall for you..."

He heard the unspoken. "But?"

"But...I-I can't leave Casper right now. I have a wonderful job that I adore and don't want to give up. I owe those kids, besides. And if...if we did get together, I'd have to come out here." Before he could even protest, I said, "Don't try and tell me it I could still stay there and be with you. When would I get to see you? Three months out of the year, if that? If you're touring in the summer, maybe not at all. Weekends? I don't think so."

"What are you so afraid of, Josh?" Brian asked quietly. "Are you afraid to let someone love you, to take care of you? You could get a job here, you know. Maybe I wouldn't be here all the time, but I'd be here as often as I could." He was starting to tear up again. "You're just hiding behind excuses."

"No, I'm not. I mean it, Brian. I can't leave."

"What about next year?"

"I-I...I don't...think so. I'm trying to build up something there, and it takes time. I don't know if I'm ever going to get that chance again." I was fighting my heart. In my mind, I knew perfectly well what I was saying was rational. My heart disagreed, but for now, it was head over heart.

"I get it," he muttered, anger showing in his voice. "All right, Josh. I should have known it couldn't have been."

"Don't be mad," I said, almost begging.

"I'm not," he lied.

"Yes you are. Brian, look, what do you want me to say? Fuck me right now and we can ride off into the sunset? Forget about everything I've worked for? What about you? Why don't you give up your career and come live with me?" It was my turn to be angry.

"Okay, okay," he sighed. "I just wish you wouldn't be so stubborn. You know we'd be good together."

"Fine, fine," I mumbled. "You want me, you can fucking have me. I'll quit the school and follow you to the ends of the damn earth. Is that what you want? No pressure, right?" A tear spilled onto my cheek, and then was promptly joined by another.

"Josh...I'm sorry. Look, let's just forget we even had this conversation, all right? Let's just keep things friendly between us."

I nodded. "Okay. No more talk about getting together. That always seems to make things uncomfortable."

"All right, but hold on. I just have one more question. Could there have been an 'us'?"

"I'm sure, but I'm...I'm just too damn selfish."

"I don't blame you, you know. After what you said last night, you have a right to want to do something for yourself. Maybe it's best this way."

"Stopping before we start, you mean?"

"Yeah."

We watched TV together without speaking for another couple of hours. At around nine, Leighanne emerged and joined us. The three of us sat for a while before I went and took a quick shower. I tried to keep my mind off of anything of import and it worked. By the time I finished the shower, I was feeling a lot better.

I went back into my room for a few minutes and put on a CD. I pulled a notebook out of one of my bags and started writing. It wasn't a journal, exactly, more a notebook where I wrote anything and everything. I was almost as passionate about writing as I was about music.

"Hey," a voice interrupted. Brian stood in the doorway watching with faint interest. "What's this CD?"

"Silverchair. The song is 'Emotion Sickness.'"

"It kind of reminds me of our song."

I listened to the music for a moment and heard what he was talking about. The combination of cello, violin, and piano was something close to what we'd done, but not really that similar. "It's kind of like it," I agreed. "Something you wanted?"

He leaned against the doorframe. "My folks are going to be here in just a little bit. Just wanted to let you know."

"Thanks. Say, when's AJ's mom coming in?"

"Oh, not until a little later this afternoon." He closed his eyes. "My family's staying here. I don't think I told you that."

"Okay. So what's the problem? Not enough rooms, right?"

He nodded. "Right. So, would you mind letting my parents take this room?"

"Where would I stay?"

"You can stay downstairs on the couch, I guess. My brother's taking the other guest room, and since Leighanne is staying in the third guest room until she can get a place of her own...I'm really sorry. I hope you don't feel like I'm kicking you out just because you're not family."

'No, you're kicking me out because I won't sleep with you,' I thought with some irritation. "I understand," I sighed. "It's okay. Is there anything else you're not telling me?"

"Hmm...we're going out for Christmas dinner, the recording session is on Monday, we're going to a New Year's party, and if there's anything else, I'll think about it." He smiled and stood straight. "I don't want things to be tense between us. Other than that, I can't think of anything."

"Okay." I smiled back, hopped off the bed and started putting my stuff back in the bags. I came to the bag of Christmas stuff and remembered that I needed to get to the mall. "Say, do you think we could hit the mall sometime today or tomorrow?"

"Last minute Christmas shopping?"

"Well, no, I just have to, um, pick up something I bought yesterday. I already paid for it."

"Who's it for?"

I turned and gave him a look. My look. "It's for AJ. I bought a ring and I'm going to ask him to marry me." I wasn't feeling tense anymore.

"So you'd take AJ, but not me, huh?" he pouted. "What's he got that I don't?"

"Multi-colored hair."

Brian's eyes were sparking with mischief. "Oh. So that's why you don't want me. You're secretly in love with AJ and you're hoping you can make him your love slave."

"You found me out," I sighed. "Think he'll go for it?" The look on his face, joking surprise and jealousy was so comical that the laughter was physically torn out of me.

"Well, did you get him a leather collar?" By now, he was chuckling right along with me.

"Come again?"

"For Christmas. Did you get him a leather collar? He'd be all yours if you did."

With a melodramatic sigh, I shook my head. "Alas, had I known that before, I would have bought one for him. All I have is the golden ring I bought and had engraved."

"Is that what you really bought?" His mood had shifted quite abruptly. He was still smiling, but his tone was a little more serious.

"No," I replied. "No, that would be way too expensive."

"So what did you buy then?"

"That's for me to know, and you not to."

"Who's it for?"

"Again, none of your business," but I smiled a bit. I was and still am a bad liar.

"Ah, it's for me."

I raised an eyebrow. "Maybe. But then again, maybe it's for Nick or AJ. Why would I ask you to take me up there if it was for you? Don't you think I'd try and get someone else to go with me so you couldn't see it?"

"Touché," he acknowledged with a nod. "Okay, after my parents get settled in, we can run over there. Was it the mall with Old Navy in it?"

"Yep. That's where we went in."

"It won't take long, will it?"

"Nope. I just have to run in and pick it up."

"So let's go now, then. We have about an hour."

"All right."

We took the gray Ford again. It was Wednesday, around ten, and traffic wasn't too bad, even for a city. I was in a pretty good mood, having finally dispensed with the most difficult parts of this vacation: dealing with Brian and my past. I felt wonderful, and as we rode, the two of us laughed and joked as if we were old friends. So this is what it was like, what it felt like to these guys: just easy and natural conversation, no high expectations, being who you are.

We got to the mall and parked by Old Navy again. Brian had forgotten to wear any kind of disguise, but he went in anyway. I must admit, he looked good. He wore Tommy blue jeans, black T-shirt, Nike tennis shoes; simple and casual, like his personality. 'Friend,' I reminded myself.

After I went in and picked up Brian's gift (with him watching over my shoulder the whole time; fortunately, the necklace was in a small white box), we grabbed a quick bite to eat before heading back up to his house. Leighanne was parked on the couch with Tyke in her lap. The pudgy little dog started barking when we walked in and ran over to both of us. Brian scooped him up and shoved him in my face, where I was assaulted by a little pink tongue.

"Dude, don't do that!" I yelled, pushing both the dog and Brian away. "Gross!"

"Aw, you like it. I bet Max does it all the time," Brian laughed.

"I usually don't let him," I said.

"How is he, anyway?"

"Max? Well, he's still cute, but he's bigger now. He'd probably feast on that little mutt."

"Mutt? Tyke is a chihuahua, thank you. He's cute too." He kissed the little dog on top of the head and then let him down. Tyke ran over to me and started sniffing my foot, and then I felt a pair of paws against my leg. I melted and picked the little guy up. He tried to lick my face again, but I held him away and just petted him for a while.

"Brian, your mom called about ten minutes ago," Leighanne said from the couch. "They'll be here any minute now."

The color drained from his face. "Um, okay."

"What's wrong?"

He shook his head and glanced apprehensively at Leighanne. "They...they, uh, don't know yet. About me, that is. They think Leighanne and I are still together."

"Well, you just broke it off last night," I said. "Of course they're not going to know."

"Yeah, but I don't know if-if I can tell them."

I shrugged, not wanting to go through this again. "Look, it's your decision. Tell them, don't tell them, do whatever you think is best."

"I don't think you should tell them," Leighanne piped up, turning to look at us. Her expression was amiable. If she was mad at Brian, it was hard to tell. "You should tell them we just broke up, but it'll take me a while to get my things moved out. That's the truth. If they ask why, just tell them it wasn't working out."

"You don't...you don't mind?"

She sighed deeply and glanced at me quickly before looking back at Brian. "We talked about this last night. Look, I'm still hurt that you kept this from me for so long, but I don't hate you or anything. I'm not going to go psycho with jealousy or begrudge you any happiness. I'd still like to be your friend, you know."

He stared at her for a long time, dazed, as if he couldn't believe what he'd just heard. She'd been a little sharper the night before. "Well, um, you don't have to move," he said. "You can stay here as long as you want to. I'm not going to kick you out."

She nodded. "Thanks. I guess I spoke a little too fast last night."

Just then there was a knock at the front door. "Got it!" Brian said, walking over and throwing the door open. "Hey!" he called to the three people who stood out front. "Come in, come in!" His grin was wide and his eyes sparkled with happiness.

They walked in, all laden with bags. The two men were both taller than Brian by a good deal. Both had sandy blond hair and brown eyes. The younger, who I assumed was Brian's brother, was the taller of the pair by a little less than an inch. His facial features were different than Brian's, a little plainer, but still pretty good-looking. He was just a slightly larger version on his father.

Brian's mom was a couple inches taller than me, and very pretty. Her eyes were bright blue and intense, just like her son's. She had darker hair than either of her sons or her husband, and held herself with a confident air. Her smile was irresistible, and it was clear who Brian took after more.

"Mom, Dad, this is Josh Taylor," Brian said, pulling me toward the group. "The one we met in Arizona."

His mom smiled. "Ah, yes. He's told me quite a bit about you," she said, shaking my hand. "I'm Jackie. Don't bother with the Mrs. Littrell stuff."

"Uh, okay, Jackie," I said, charmed.

"And I'm Harold," the shorter man said with a smile. His voice was just a bit lower than Brian's with a much thicker-sounding Southern accent.

"Nice to meet you both," I said.

"This is also Harold," Brian nodded to the younger-looking guy. "We call him Junior, or Harry. I call him big bro, dork, whatever I want."

"You can call me Harry," Brian's brother said, extending a hand. His voice sounded just like Harold's, only without the heavy accent. His was more like Brian's.

"All right," I said. "It's nice to meet you all. Brian's told me a lot about you."

"All good, I hope," Jackie said with another charming smile.

I winked. "No fear. He didn't divulge any family secrets."

"Oh, good." She smiled widely (and a little falsely, I thought) at Leighanne. "It's nice to see you again, Leighanne. How are you?"

"All right, I suppose," Leighanne answered quietly, matching smiles with Jackie. "How was the flight?"

"Pretty fine, dear." Ooh, that was a little derogatory. I saw two things in that instant: one, Jackie didn't much care for Leighanne, and two, the feeling was mutual.

Brian and his dad and brother had moved a little away and were conversing quietly by the door, leaving Jackie, Leighanne, and I to ourselves. It was actually kind of fun to watch the by-play between the two women.

"Did Brian tell you that he and I have broken up?" Leighanne asked quietly. The whole room went silent.

Jackie frowned a little. "That's too bad. What happened?"

"Oh," Brian cut in, "it just wasn't working out. You know, we hardly ever get to see each other, and we'd rather just be friends, anyway."

"Things are better this way," Leighanne agreed.

"It seemed like it was going so well, too," Harry said.

Brian shrugged. "Yeah, well, we're on good terms. Things just...well stuff kept coming up, and we're both happier this way. She's going to live here until she can find a place of her own."

"Oh," Jackie said. "Is your family coming down?"

"Mm, no. I think, though, that I'm going to drive down there and surprise them. I'm probably going to leave here in a bit."

"That's a long drive," Harold commented.

"I know, but it's worth it. I haven't seen my family in a while, and it'd be nice to spend Christmas with them." She stood up and headed toward the back of the room, with Tyke in tow.

"Bro, what happened?" Harry asked quietly.

"It was a mutual thing," Brian insisted. "Really. We just decided that it was better if we broke it off. Truth is, neither one of us were really into it anymore."

Jackie's eyes widened. "You...you weren't...um...you and her didn't...ah...did you?"

Brian blushed bright red and started laughing nervously. "Uh, no. We never did." He said that with an oddly moving dignity, which left no doubt in my mind that he was totally gay. I'd wondered if he was bisexual, but this kind of cleared that up. He'd never had sex with her. Somehow, the thought was comforting.

"So, Brian," Jackie asked, "want to get some lunch? Just the family?"

"Yeah, sure," he said, and then frowned at her turn of phrase. Rather than cause a scene, however, he turned to me and smiled. "Do you mind? We'll be back in a little while."

I sure as hell did mind, but I just shook my head. "Go ahead. Where am I going to go?"

"Thanks."

I nodded, cleared my throat, and then went to move my stuff to the basement. Nobody bothered me, and it only took a few minutes. After everything was set, I sat down with my Strad and started playing. I didn't know what it was, only that it was soothing. I felt kind of out of place, kind of like a fifth wheel. After all, they were family, and who was I? Just some skinny kid Brian knew.

The music that drifted off of the strings was full of passion and rage. It wasn't any particular piece of music; it was a set of sounds, mostly borrowed, that reflected my mood. Frustrated longing was about the best way to describe it. I felt like an intruder; an outsider. After all, this was Brian's family, not mine. Hell, nothing here was mine or familiar. The sweet, clear notes took on a sharp edge, defiant and bold, and cut through some of the anger. I was pissed. He'd invited me down here and then just brushed me off. Why had I come?

I don't know how long I sat there playing, but the next thing I knew, there were several people standing at the foot of the stairs. They were back, and from the looks of things, they'd been there for a while. I stopped playing and looked down at the bow in my right hand. Several of the strings had broken. Oops. Must have been really playing with feeling. Usually I didn't break that many strings.

Jackie was leaning against the doorframe. She smiled a little sadly. "What...um, what was that you were playing? It was quite beautiful."

"Nothing," I answered quietly. "It wasn't any particular piece of music. Just...well...it came from here." I tapped my head. I should have tapped my heart; that's where it really came from.

"Are you okay?" Brian asked from his perch on a stool.

"Yeah, sure." I set my violin back in her case and gently set the bow down. After latching the case shut and making a mental note to change the bowstrings, I turned back to the Littrell clan with a smile.

"So," Harold started, somewhat uncomfortably, "Brian tells us you're a musician also."

Well, duh. Before I could say anything, Brian started laughing. "No, kidding, Dad! What did you think he was doing? Playing with himself?"

"Brian! Watch your tongue," Jackie scolded.

Brian rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, Mom. The guy has been pouring his heart into his music for the last ten minutes, and Dad comes out with something even a blind man could see. Look, Josh, I wanted to tell you right now that I'm sorry we snubbed you at lunch. For some reason, people here just seem to forget that I have a life too. You're my friend and I goofed."

"Naw," I said. "They're your family and I didn't want to intrude anyway."

"No," he protested. "Look, let's get something straight right here: I don't want Josh to be excluded just because he's not family. Okay, Mom, Dad? I know you don't know him, but please don't make me choose between you."

"What in the world are you talking about?" Jackie asked. "Kiddo, you should have just said something. We didn't say he wasn't invited. You were the one who asked him to stay here."

"Yeah, but you said 'Just the family.' What was I supposed to think?"

"Oh. You're right about that. I didn't mean it that way, though. I know he's your best friend or whatever, so jeez, just say something next time, okay?"

"Sorry, everyone. I don't know what I was thinking," he sighed.

"Nothing, as always," I said with a smart-ass grin. "Paybacks."

"Well," Jackie said, "I don't know what you boys are going to do, but I need to finish some shopping. Then I'll cook a nice dinner for all of us tonight. Is that okay?"

"Yeah," Brian said. "Oh, but AJ and his mom are coming by later tonight, too."

"Oh, good," Jackie said with a real smile. "I've been wanting to talk to Denise anyway. I haven't seen her for a while. I just talked to Ann yesterday, and I know she'll be here tomorrow. She had some business to take care of, but she can't wait to see Kevin."

With a smile, Brian nodded. "Good. Nick and Howie are going to be back up soon, too."

"Yeah, I know all that already. They're coming up so y'all can record those new songs."

Brian nodded. "Mm-hmm."

Harold looked at his son and frowned. "Why are you recording them so early? You're not supposed to put out another album for a while. Or so I heard."

"Well, we played the songs for management and they really liked them, so they wanted to get them recorded ASAP. It'll be one less thing to do whenever we do start doing the new album."

"Oh."

"Plus, they really wanted a chance to hear Josh play. I didn't promise them anything, but I did say that I'd try to talk him into it." He grinned at me. "Like I said, you don't have to, but it would certainly be nice if you did."

"I already told you I would," I said. "Did you forget to tell me something again?"

"No, I remembered quite well, but I figured you'd be more willing to help out if you thought you were just helping five friends instead of being critiqued while you play."

"Critiqued?"

"Don't ask."

"Okay. So let's go do something."

"Can I tag along?" Harry asked.

"If you want, big bro."

"Cool." The taller Littrell brother grinned handsomely and tagged his brother on the arm playfully. After a quick wrestling match (Brian made short and pitiful work of his brother), the three of us took off for Brian's car.

"We're gonna take the Beemer," Brian announced, matter-of-factly. "Thank god you're small, Josh. It's not exactly made for passengers."

"Oh, how nice."

The three of us kicked around Orlando for most of the day. We ended up at Universal Studios for a while, but got bored waiting for a chance to do anything. Plus, someone spotted Brian. He was polite and gave a few autographs, but quickly got tired of it and took off. Since no one knew either Harry or me, we were able to take our time getting back to the car. We went up to the mall after that and I bought something small for Harry, Jackie and Harold. They were just neat little trinkets, and didn't take long to find. I happened to be in yet another curio shop and saw them.

Around six, Brian's mom called his cell phone and told him that AJ, his mom Denise, and Kevin were at the house for supper. There we went. AJ's mom was a small, pretty woman with dark hair and eyes, just like AJ. She had an air that suggested she hadn't always had an easy go with life, but she wouldn't ever lie down. I liked and respected her the moment I met her. We got along quite well.

That evening, we all stayed in and talked. After a while, everyone persuaded me to get my violin and I gave a short performance. I refrained from saying much before or afterward, and no one asked many questions. The only time Jackie started to ask me about myself, I gave her the answer, and then said I'd really rather not get into it.

Things settled down between Brian and me after that. We established a comfortable joking friendship that was closer than anything I'd ever experienced. In retrospect, I was glad it had gone like that. Had we gotten intimate, we'd have spent the majority of the vacation frustrated; there was no time when we were ever totally alone.

When Nick and Howie showed up, there was even less alone time. Of course, it didn't really matter. I got to hang out with all five of the Boys at once, and got a chance to make some really good friends. They accepted me as easily as they had last time, and that made things nice. Little by little, I lost that feeling of being an outsider. I got to meet some of their other friends and joined all of them at a party. That was an interesting time. Neither Nick, Brian, nor I drank, but we still had a great time laughing at and with everyone else.

The following Monday, the six of us hit the studio. It was three days before Christmas, and that was okay. It was something to do. None of the parents joined us, but since none of them had heard the music, they wanted a chance to hear it later. They were going to join us once we got the recordings done, if we could finish them all that day.

A man by the name of Eric something-or-other met us at the studio, which wasn't all that far from Brian's house. He was a tall man who identified himself as a recording engineer, and led all of us to a booth somewhere in the back.

"You guys all ready?" he asked in a deep, quiet baritone. He brushed a few strands of his dark brown hair out of his eyes with strong fingers and stood watching us.

All five of us exchanged glances and then nodded. Brian and I were carrying my instruments. Their instruments were already set up in the studio, I could see through the glass window.

"We're just going to track the music for now. Then these guys cam add the lyrics at their leisure," Eric said. He had the gentlest brown eyes I'd ever seen, and when he smiled they lit up brightly. "Apparently your management is in a real hurry for the music."

"Why is that?" Nick asked. "I mean, don't get me wrong. I want to do this, but why are they so interested in this now?"

Eric shook his head. "Don't ask me. I'm not your manager. They're popping by in about an hour. You can ask them yourselves."

Nick nodded, placated. "Well? Are we going to do this or just stand here?"

Howie rolled his eyes and then smiled with good humor. "Let's go. Mister Impatient here is about to about to have a temper tantrum."

"Josh, right?" Eric asked me. After I nodded, he said, "You've never done this before, have you?"

"Nope."

"Well, it's not that difficult, but we have a couple of choices: we can do just the drum beat first and then add the rest, or you can do it all at once."

Without consulting any of the guys, I answered, "Let's just do it all at once. I know none of us are exactly professionals, but we can handle it." Apparently that was the right answer. Someone clapped me on the back and then pushed me toward the door of the studio. I resisted for just a moment. "Why do you break it up like this? Record the music first and then add the vocals later?"

Eric shrugged. "Better quality. You only get one shot if you do it that way."

Narf. Dumb question. "Oh. Yeah, that makes sense. Otherwise, you'd have to keep playing and playing until it was right."

"Right. This way, you can practice the vocals to the best cut of the music." With another smile, he headed toward the board. "Go on, guys. Get set up. You can have a dry run and then we'll do this for real."

The room we entered was comfortable, if not too large. Nick ran over to the trap set and threw himself behind it with a huge grin. "I can't believe we're actually doing this!" he exclaimed.

"Jeez, don't piss your pants," Brian said, walking over to his friend and playfully punching him on the shoulder. "Just calm down, Nick."

"You've got to be kidding me. We're getting a chance to take control of our own music for once. You can't tell me you're not excited to be doing this."

Brian shrugged and looked to Kevin for a moment. "Sure I'm excited, but it's not that big a deal."

"It is cool, though," Kevin said, from his place at the piano. "You have to admit, this is a great experience." He looked toward Howie, who had taken a seat at a stool with a guitar in his lap. "What do you think, D?"

"I think you're all right," he said. "On the one hand, it's really cool to something we've never done before. On the other hand, it's nothing to get so worked up about." As usual, he'd gone down the middle to avoid conflict.

Brian had taken another stood with his guitar in hand. He ran the fingers of his left hand up and down the strings quickly and then looked up at the rest of us. It was only Kevin, Howie, Nick, Brian and I in there. AJ had come, but he didn't really have anything to do for this part, so he was outside with Dave and a couple of other people who'd joined them.

"So," I said, trying to organize my thoughts, "what do we want to do first?"

"'Run Around,'" Kevin answered.

"That's the other one, right? You never did tell me what you called it."

"Yeah, that's the one. You want to run through it once or twice?"

I nodded and went to grab my sax. "Please. I haven't played that one since Arizona." Taking a seat on one of the stools, I ran through just a quick warm up and looked to the other four. "Ready? Go ahead. I want to listen to this one."

I listened to their playing. Boy, they had been practicing. It sounded perfect, far better than I remembered. On the second run- through, I winged it, not remembering exactly what I'd played before. But it wasn't too hard. This was the piece that wasn't quite jazz, but not quite pop or rock, that was smooth and flowed nicely. Oh yeah.

When we finished, Eric's voice came in over an intercom. "That was good, guys. Do it like that again, and it's going to be a very short day. Ready?"

We all nodded, but I noticed everyone tense up just a bit. I did too. This was the real deal, not just some inconsequential goof-off session. Taking a deep breath, I nodded again. "We're rolling," came over the intercom.

The first take went badly. We were all tense and nervous and just couldn't get it in synch. But after that, we all loosened up and the next take was far better. So were the next three. We went through it a total of six times, each take slightly better than the previous. After getting over our nervousness, we all went for it with gusto. It felt great.

After the sixth take, Eric said, "That's it, guys! That last one was perfect! Everything was on!"

AJ pushed him aside. "That was great, you guys! Really excellent! People are going to love it!"

All of us in the booth were pumped. We clapped each other on the back and grinned at our accomplishment. I sat back on my stool and just soaked in it. I'd just had a hand in making a song. A real song that people might actually hear. Wow. What a feeling. I tried hard not to let it go to my head, but man, oh man, I was happy.

AJ and Eric walked into the booth. "You guys want to take a break before you do the next one?" Eric asked.

"Yeah," Kevin said, walking toward the door. "My fingers are starting to get a little tired."

"Mine are too," Howie agreed, stretching his back, and following Kevin.

With an exchanged shrug, Brian and I followed them out of the room. Just as we got out, a pair of men came up to the group. "Our management," Brian murmured, smiling.

"Hey guys," one of the two said. He was short and somewhat squat with thinning gray hair and bland blue-green eyes that were set behind a pair of horn-rimmed glasses. His eyes were constantly moving. "How's it going?"

"Good," Kevin said, taking charge as usual. "We just wrapped up the 'Run Around' and we're taking a quick break."

"That's good," the other man said. He was the taller of the pair, but not by much. He was thinner and younger, with dirty blond hair and blue eyes and a plain face. "That's very good to hear." He looked in my direction. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Michael Harris with The Firm."

"I'm Josh Taylor," I answered, offering a hand, which he shook.

Michael smiled broadly. "Ah, I was wondering when we were going to get a chance to meet you. These guys have told us a lot about you, you know."

Had they? Taking a line from Jackie Littrell, I said, "Nothing bad, I hope."

The shorter man stepped forward with a friendly smile and an extended hand. "I'm Jeff Johnson, and I'm also with The Firm. Indeed, it is a pleasure to meet you."

"Likewise," I answered.

"So," Kevin cut in, "are you going to stick around and listen to us in action?"

"Sure," Michael answered. "That's pretty much why we're here."

"Okay. Well, we're going to take a few minutes to rest and then we'll get to it. Soonest begun, soonest done."

That summed it up. As much as I liked doing this, it'd be nice if we could get it all done in one shot. I adjusted the collar of the smoky gray long-sleeved shirt I'd worn. Lately, I'd acquired a taste for nice clothing. I usually wore slacks and a dress shirt, now, where I used to wear jeans and T-shirts all the time. I was most formally dressed of any of the people in the room, I observed. Michael and Jeff both wore slacks and polo shirts. AJ and Howie had Khaki pants and long-sleeved shirts. Brian and Nick wore blue jeans. Brian had a blue sweatshirt, and Nick had a black T-shirt. Kevin had dark jeans and a dark T-shirt. Still, they all looked great. In fact, I felt overdressed.

After a quiet five minutes, Kevin decided to herd us back into the studio. We all went without a problem. This was actually kind of fun.

"You want to go through this one, too?"

"I don't need to, but we should," I answered.

If I had been impressed by how well they handled the first song, it was nothing compared to how they'd improved on this one. I was absolutely flabbergasted as they went through it without me. They'd changed nothing, but it sounded different, incredibly cohesive. On the second run through, I added the violin and it just flat out clicked. The soft, ghostly strains of the melody pierced the heart. People were going to eat this one up.

Before we started recording, I turned to all of them and said, "Guys, you've really done it. I can't tell you how happy I am to be a part of this. It's-it's incredible. Let's do this right, okay?" There were four amused smiles and nods.

We did this one in five takes. The reason we did that many was because partway through the second take, I had an idea for a variation and we tried that for the third take. The last two were also variations, though only slight.

Afterward, we emerged from the booth, all a little tired and a little less enthusiastic than we'd gone in earlier. We were happy, though, that we'd finished. Eric, on the other hand, looked a little puzzled.

"Well, here's the thing," he said in his deep, quiet voice (which I suspected he never raised). We were all standing by the mixing board. My Strad and the sax were in cases at my feet. "We have four possible versions of that song. I'm tossing out the first take because the rhythm was off. But the others are all great, and any of them could be used."

"Well, what did you think?" Kevin asked Michael and Jeff, who were standing off to one side.

"We loved them all, and you were right. Josh has some real talent. Any of those cuts are just fine by us. They're yours, as you pointed out earlier, so you pick."

I glanced at my watch. It was close to four in the afternoon. We'd been at this for only two hours. "Do we do that now or later?" I asked.

"We can do that now," Kevin said. "It shouldn't take that long. We just have to pick the best one."

That turned out to be a little more difficult than we thought. We listened to each of the four cuts once and couldn't decide. Personally, I leaned toward the third one. There was something about it, something in the way the piano and guitar seemed to blend in a haunting harmony, accentuated, but not overpowered by the violin, that none of the others had. It was beautiful.

But there was some dissention in the ranks after we were finished listening.

Kevin's eyes were quite serious. "I liked the first one," he said. "I think...the violin piece was the best."

Howie shook his head. "Sorry, Kev, but I didn't like that one very well. I liked the last one."

"I'm with D," Nick chimed in, brushing his blond hair out of his eyes. He needed a haircut badly. "That last one was really cool."

"The third one," Brian said quietly. "Personally, I thought out of all of them, that one worked the best. I liked the way everything seemed to click."

"I'm with Rok," AJ said. He pulled his shades off and then scratched his goatee before continuing. "All the others were great, but that third one...I don't know what it was about it, but I loved it."

All of a sudden, all eyes were on me. "Hey, this is your decision," I said, raising my hands placatingly. "I don't want to cause any dissent."

"Oh, come on," Nick said. "We're all divided as it is. Just tell us."

"All right," I sighed. "The third one."

"Why?"

"Listen to it. Listen to the way everything meshes like it should. The intro, with the piano and violin is about perfect, and the entire thing clicks in a way none of the others do." I winked at Brian, who was smiling.

"Can we hear it again?" Kevin asked. "Just the third one?"

Eric shrugged and obliged. I watched everyone's faces carefully while they listened to it. They heard what AJ, Brian, and I had been talking about. It was a unanimous decision that the third version, which had been the fourth take, would be used as the music for the single. Michael and Jeff were quite happy with the decision and everyone left with identical smiles.

After that, things just seemed to fly by. Each day was gone in the blink of an eye. The next day, we all hung out and didn't do much. The day after that was Christmas Eve. I went to church with everyone and then we all had a nice supper.

The day after that, Brian got me up at five by creeping down the stairs and jumping on the couch. It scared the crap out of me, but he had me rolling with laughter at his antics so quickly that I forgot to be mad at him. He was just like...well, like a kid at Christmas. That's about the best way to describe it.

No one else was up when we got up, so we hung out in the basement for a while, talking about things. Nothing too serious, of course. At one point, he snuck up the stairs and brought down his stocking, making the obligatory Santa jokes. His mother, of course, had filled the stockings. And then I'd added a few things of my own to each stocking.

He saw the disappearing ink and mini squirt gun and his eyes lit up. Of course he wasted no time in getting me wet and laughing just like a kid. He was uninhibited and free-spirited. And then, he told me that he had another present for me. Much to my surprise, he kissed me deeply and sweetly. When we parted, he smiled sheepishly and apologized for the lack of mistletoe. But not for the kiss. That was neither expected nor necessary.

Everyone was up by seven, so after the coffee had been distributed, we gathered around the old evergreen and started handing out gifts. I hadn't had a real Christmas in a long time, as I keep saying, so this was a wonderful experience. Brian's parents gave me a big blue UK hooded sweatshirt that I loved. They liked the little carvings I'd gotten for them, so that was cool.

Brian and I waited until last to exchange our gifts. He gave me his first and looked a little nervous as I unwrapped a small package. Inside was a beautiful silver pendant in the shape of a musical note with my name engraved into it. I grinned and hastily looked away, blinking rapidly. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I wanted to, believe me. It was such a pretty color and a thoughtful gesture.

"Thank you," I said softly, showing everyone my new gift. They smiled, and then I handed mine to Brain. He ripped it open and then stopped before opening the box.

"This is what we went up to the mall to get," he said.

"It sure was," I said. "And I had you hook, line, and sucker."

He opened the box and lifted the necklace out. He smiled and looked closely at the golden guitar. "'True music comes from the heart,'" he read. His smile widened as he looked up at me. "It does, doesn't it?"

"Yes. It does."

"Thank you, Josh."

"You're quite welcome. Thank you for inviting me down here, and thank you for the gift...the chance to spend time with a real family and...and to do something new. It-it means a lot, Brian. It really does." If his family hadn't been sitting right there, I might have kissed him.

"Aw, isn't that sweet," Jackie said. The funny thing was that there were tears in her eyes.

We got everything cleaned up and then spent most of the day just kicking around the house. In the early afternoon, AJ and Denise stopped by and I got a chance to give AJ his gift. I didn't know how well he'd like what I got for him, but he laughed and told me he loved it before handing me a beautiful leather book for my sheet music.

Howie and Kevin came over by themselves later. I gave them their gifts, which they both said they liked. Kevin said he loved silk, and Howie put his on right there. It did look smashing, that dark silk with his dark eyes and hair. He didn't take it off. He'd gotten me a book of poetry that I'd said I'd liked. It was a thick, heavy book, and I was glad I finally had gotten it. What a wonderful gift. Kevin got me a snow globe with a black piano inside that played 'Fur Elise.' That, too, I loved. These guys were all good friends.

Something funny happened with Nick. He came by just after Kevin and Howie and walked in smiling like a little boy. He handed me my gift and I opened it to find that he'd gotten me the same two games I'd gotten him. I fell over laughing at the remarkable coincidence. When he opened his, he saw it too and everyone in the house burst out laughing.

The guys all sat around passing gifts back and forth. Howie ended up with mostly shirts. Kevin, too. AJ got a couple of cool hats, and Nick got video games. Brian got a new NY Yankees hat, an ivory guitar pick, and a couple of books from Kevin and Nick. Yes, indeed, it was a wonderful Christmas.

We had a huge table reserved for everyone at a local hotel. There were a lot of us. Everyone had brought their siblings, so there were a lot of new people to meet. But it was a good time. Nick and Brian had brought the gag gifts I'd gotten them and several times had shot disappearing ink on all of us. Hell, even I'd smuggled in a mini squirt gun and got AJ for the fun of it.

It had been a long day, so everyone decided to just go their own ways after supper. I was full, and more than happy to just go back to Brian's and crash. I slept better than I had in weeks.

God, after that, it was like there was no more vacation. Everyday we did something. We went back to Universal Studios and spent the entire day doing everything Nick and Brian wanted to do. Then that night, we all went to the movies and saw a great action flick. I guess I was the only one unlucky enough to pick out a bad movie.

They had a photo shoot the following day. I went and watched. What else did I have to do? They even managed to pull me in for a few photos. I felt like such a tool.

But it was okay. We all drew very close, the six of us. It helped that I was their age, but since we all kind of thought alike, things were funnier. Plus sometimes when one of us was being too serious, or stupid, the others would gang up and laugh at that one. More often than not, Kevin was the serious one, and Nick was the stupid one, although sometimes it was Brian or me.

On New Year's Eve, we went to a party at Kevin's house. There were a lot of people and I didn't know many of them. Some were older, and some were younger. All the families came, and so did a lot of the guys' friends, none of whom I'd ever met before. But these were good friends, and I was included in that group. Hell, I was a friend of the Backstreet Boys. How cool was that? That was the first time during this whole vacation that that particular thought had crossed my mind/

When midnight struck for the year 2000, Brian cornered me and kissed me again. He'd been giving me friendly kisses all week, mostly just pecks, but the frequency kept increasing.

After he stepped back, I looked up at him. "Brian, why do you keep doing that?" I finally asked.

"What?"

"Kissing me. You've been doing it all week."

"I know," he sighed. "Don't hate me for bringing this up, but I just don't want you to go, Josh."

Once again, I felt like something had hit me between the eyes. My throat tightened, and a lump formed. Dammit, just when I thought I'd be able to leave, he had to go and say something like that. "Y-you know...Brian, you know I have to," I said quietly.

"No you don't," he said insistently. "Look, let's go outside."

I didn't want to follow him out, but I couldn't just stand there. So I went. 'Dammit,' I thought, both resigned and sad. 'Every time I think I'm done with this, he brings it up again. God, Brian, just don't ask me to stay again. I-I don't think I can say no anymore.'

His eyes were intense as they speared mine. He put his hands deep in the pocket of his dark jacket. "I've been keeping my mouth shut about this because you know how it gets between us. But...Josh, I can't. Not this time. I don't want you to go. I...I think...Josh, please don't leave."

I loved him. I did, and for the first time this really hit me. This was the first time I'd ever actually acknowledged it. And he loved me. I could see that in his eyes, could see it in the way the tears were falling out of those eyes. How in God's name did this happen? How did it happen so quickly? Why did it happen now? Why? A million questions spun around in my head, and I started crying.

He reached out and touched my cheek. "Please stay," he whispered. "Don't leave me here alone."

I turned away. How could I stay? I had obligations. But how could I go? My heart ached and pounded in my chest. "Brian," I tried, but it didn't come out right. I cleared my throat and tried again. "I...Brian...I-I can't."

"You can," he said. "You can."

"N-No," I stammered. I was shivering. It was cold out. Or maybe I was just cold inside.

"Don't you get it," he whispered angrily. "Look...I...I, Josh, please...I have to tell you something. No one, and I mean no one has ever...ever made me...feel like you have. You're bright and funny and I...want to be with you. I know...I said I wouldn't bring it up, but...I can't help it."

Dear God in heaven. What the hell could I do? I was crying hard and couldn't think straight. I had an obligation. I couldn't quit my with one day's notice. There was no way. But then again, was it so important? Someone loved me. Someone wanted me. And I loved that someone. Maybe he would wait for me. If he really did love me, maybe he would wait.

I took a deep, trembling breath and stepped back so I could look squarely into his eyes. "Brian, I can't stay. I have to go back. But...I...want to come back."

He turned away and took a few steps back toward the house. "You don't love me, do you?" he asked softly, bitterly.

"I...I don't know..." 'Oh, hell, Josh just say it. Tell him and then he'll wait.' But in the end, I couldn't. Something held me back. Even thought I knew it with my heart, my head kept me silent.

"Okay," he said, without any bitterness this time. "I guess...I guess I'm just not meant to have you."

"No!" I suddenly exclaimed. "I do, Brain. I do love you."

It was too little too late. "Do you?" he asked, but without feeling. "I didn't think so. I mean...I poured my heart out, but you...you just...I'm sorry, Josh. I didn't mean to do this again."

"What can I do?" I asked, desperately.

"Stay," he said, so softly I almost didn't hear him.

I bowed my head and let the tears fall. "I can't."

He nodded and walked inside. I stood where I was, broken, heart rent in pieces. It was as if he'd taken my heart out of my chest and cut it apart with jagged glass. I sobbed. He'd worn me down, forced me to confess what I didn't want to confess, and then walked away. I was alone. I guess I'd always be alone.

When someone finally came out looking for me, it wasn't Brian. It was Howie. He saw me crying and offered me what comfort he could, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't tell him what had happened. It hurt too much, and it was all my fault. All my fault.

I didn't stay with Brian that night. I got Howie to take me over to Brian's and I cleaned my things out. After that, Howie took me to a hotel and there was where I stayed. He offered to come up and stay with me, but I declined and thanked him.

When I was alone, I started crying again and didn't stop for a long, long time. There was no comfort or solace in those tears. It was all my fault. I had to be so damn selfish all the time. I didn't love him enough. But...I had tried. I wanted to love him, but I couldn't just forget the world.

Sleep didn't come that night. I spent all day in hotel. Howie, Kevin, and AJ came by in the afternoon, and I spent a little time talking to them. I never did tell them what happened between Brian and me. I don't know if they'd talked to him, and I didn't ask. I was afraid to. I'd hurt him too. I'd hurt him badly, and I wouldn't be surprised if he never wanted to see me again.

As all good things must come to an end, so must the bad. I did have obligations, so I had to return the following day. To my immense surprise, all five of them came to see me off.

"Well, Josh," AJ said, with forced cheer, "it was great to see you again." He gave me a strong hug. "Take care of yourself man, and don't be a stranger. I'll e-mail you this summer to let you know when we'll be around, okay?"

"Sure," I said.

"It's been a blast," Kevin said, also hugging me. "Thank you so much for helping us on those songs. You'll get plenty of credit for them when we do the next album."

I hugged back without reservation. Hell, these people were my friends. "You know it, Kev. If you ever need any help again, just let me know." How easy it was to pretend I'd see them again. "Take care of your cousin," I whispered into Kevin's ear. "Tell him I'm sorry." By now, they knew what had happened.

I hugged Nick and Howie in the same manner. Nick looked a little sad. "You're a friend, now," he said. "You've been a friend to us since we met you. And not just because of the music. Be careful and take it easy. We'll keep in touch."

"Okay."

"God bless," Howie said with a smile.

"Thank you."

Brian was last, and we had already said what we needed to say. Too much, really. So we just left it at that. "Um, take it easy, Brian," was all I could manage to say.

"Yeah. Sure," he said with no smile. His eyes were cold and distant, but also sad.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

As I turned back, I heard a very faint and sad, "Don't leave." I knew it was from Brian. I threw one last glance over my shoulder and closed my eyes at the pitiful sight.

"I'm sorry," I repeated.

When I walked away, I knew that it would be the last time I'd ever see them again. What reason did I have to ever go back? As the plane took off, I looked out the window, and I could have sworn I saw a lone figure standing just outside the doors, waving.

Whew. And so ends part II. Do they or don't they? Will they or won't they? Obviously they will, but I'll warn you now, it won't happen in the next part. Maybe the one after, but I haven't decided yet. Once again, have patience. It may take a little longer for the next part, but it'll be worth it.

Questions, comments, dirty jokes, what have you, always welcome. E- mail address hasn't changed: joshtay31@hotmail.com. Feel free to tell me what you think. Really. I mean it. Constructive criticism is almost as good as praise. (I'll stress constructive.)

Until next time...adieu.