Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About The Backstreet Boys By: N. Davis
Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual content about the Backstreet Boys. If any way you are offended by this please leave now. However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know what you thought of it.
Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have read, because the chapters will be narrated by Kevin Richardson as his journal entries. There will be short passages which will be told through various people to help move along the plot of the story.
Chapter 4: A New Friend
After finishing his latest journal entry, Kevin decided he wanted to take a shower. He remembered to put his journal it's secret place. One day he hoped to be able to show his journal to the rest of the guys, but he knew that they weren't ready to see some of the entries, Kevin had written, in fact Kevin has never showed anyone his journal.
Kevin got undressed and threw on his robe. Before he entered the bathroom he grabbed his shaving kit from his bag. The guys have only just arrived in Los Angeles earlier the day before and with everything that has gone on in the past two days, Kevin had not managed to unpack yet, and since the guys were leaving tomorrow to finish their current leg of the "Into the Millennium Tour," he saw no reason in doing it now.
Once in the bathroom Kevin decided he would fill up the Jacuzzi bathtub instead of taking a shower. Kevin began the water, making sure it wasn't to hot or to cold. He re-entered the main room of his suite to get some candles he brought with him wherever he went. Kevin loved to relax with a hot bath with all the lights turned down with just a few flickers of light from candles to light the room. As he entered the bathroom he placed the candles in different places around the tub and sink and turned off the lights. With the tub filled to where he wanted it, Kevin hit the button, which made the tub turn into a Jacuzzi. Kevin took off his robe and just about as he was ready to step into his bath, his phone began to ring. At first he decided to ignore it, but he knew that it was probably the others calling to make sure he was safely at the hotel. Kevin, in a hurry to get to the phone, slammed his knee of the corner of the sink.
"Dam, that hurt," Kevin exclaimed as he grabbed his knee. "I'm gonna have to either bring more candles or start bringing a flashlight with me form now on. This is the second time this week I've done this," he thought aloud to himself.
Running to get the phone, and rubbing his knee, Kevin ran naked from the bathroom to the bed where he left his phone.
"Hello," Kevin answered the phone kind of out of breath.
"Hey cous, what wrong you sound like you just ran up a flight of steps," Brian replied on the other end of the phone.
"No I was just getting ready to take a bath before I go to bed, and I had to run to get to the phone."
"Okay well just be careful and don't run into anything, and hurt yourself. I just called to see if you got in okay. The other guys decided that since we have to leave tomorrow early, that we would be back at the hotel later tonight. Maybe we can all meet tomorrow for breakfast."
"Sure Brian that sounds fine," Kevin replied lacking enthusiasm. "Is their anything else, my water's getting cold?"
Brian could tell by Kevin's tone that he wasn't in the mood to chat so he let Kevin go. Brian rejoined the other guys at the party, which was just starting to get off the ground.
As Brian rejoined the guys, AJ asked, "Brian is Kevin okay? Did he get back to the hotel alright?"
"Yea AJ he's fine. He said he was going to take a bath and then go straight to bed. He's pretty tired..."
"Well staying out all night last night drinking will do that to you," Howie said sarcastically interrupting Brian.
All the guys looked at Howie with annoyance and provocation. They all have had enough with his comments for one evening, but in order to prevent a fight with him tonight, they ignored the comment. Seeing that they weren't amused Howie left the other four guys and started to mingle with a few of his quests.
Meanwhile back at Kevin's hotel suite, Kevin was enjoying his bath. He loved to just relax. Kevin's problems were no longer confusing his mind. It was as if nothing in the world mattered anymore. Kevin was alone in his room and it seemed as if he was alone in the world for this brief time. While sitting in the bath, Kevin started thinking about his song that he was writing. He hoped that Brian and himself would have some time next week to finish it. Kevin had written the second verse and chorus and all he needed was a few more days to work on it before it would be finished.
After about an hour in the bath, Kevin decided he'd better get out before he fell asleep. He quickly washed his hair, before he did. Kevin stepped out of the Jacuzzi and grabbed his towel to dry himself off. Kevin grabbed his robe, and flicked on the lights. Taken back by the sudden surge of light in the room, Kevin was blinded for a brief second or two. Slowly, Kevin's eyes focused in the light and Kevin was able to see clearly again. Before going to bed. Kevin grabbed his toothbrush and quickly brushed his teeth. After he was done he combed his hair and neatly put everything back where it belonged. Kevin shut the lights out as he entered into this bedroom.
Before lying down, Kevin grabbed some clothes to sleep in and got dressed. Kevin hung his robe up to dry and straightened up his room. With all that done he was ready to go to bed. He turned off all the lights, turned on his radio and lay down. Kevin realizing how tired he really was was shocked that he could not fall asleep. Tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable, Kevin found himself starring at the ceiling. Finally after about an hour of restlessness, Kevin finally managed to drift off to sleep.
Just as Kevin was comfortably sleeping he was awaken by the sound of his phone ringing. Thinking it was the hotel calling to wake him up, Kevin rolled over to answer the phone.
"Hello," Kevin said rather unenthusiastically.
"Hey Kev, it's Brian again. I hope I didn't wake you?"
"Brian, what time is, never mind, what do you want."
"Well I just called to let you know that, the guys and I will not be returning to the hotel. We'll meet you tomorrow at the hotel for breakfast around 9 o'clock."
"Yea okay whatever Brian, I can't believe you woke me up for that. Do you know how hard it was for me to fall asleep in the first place? Anyway since you have me on the phone, I wan to know if we're going to have time to work on that song for the next album sometime next week. What's your schedule like, when were not performing?"
Kevin waited anxiously for Brian's response. He could hear Brian talking to the other guys in the background.
"Well, do you have any free time or not," Kevin replied rather apprehensively.
"You know what Kevin, let me get back to you..." Brian started to say before Nick interrupted him in the background.
"B-rok, just tell him you're not interested in doing this song with him and get it over with. He'll understand, he's tougher than we give him credit for."
"Brian lets just see what happens with our schedules over the next couple of weeks," Kevin replied pretending not to hear what Nick had said.
"Alright, Kev, see you tomorrow at the hotel. Bye"
Kevin hung up his end of the line almost in tears. Not so much that Brian didn't like his song, but because he the way he had found out. Knowing he would not be able to fall back asleep, Kevin got out of bed and got dressed. He quickly put the clothes back on form the award show earlier. On the way out of his room, Kevin grabbed his key and phone. Wanting to be alone, Kevin decided to take a stroll through the hotel's gardens, which were illuminated up at night. Kevin peacefully strolled through the gardens, stopping to admire the beauty and color present around him, never forgetting what Nick said earlier over the phone.
As Kevin, was walking around the gardens and thinking to himself, he became rather cold. The dampness of the weather sent chill shrieking through his body, making the hairs on his arms stand at attention. Wishing he had brought his jacket, Kevin slipped his hands into his pocket for warmth. As Kevin's hand's rummaged through his pockets, he found something inside one of them. Questioningly, Kevin removed the paper form his pocket to see what it was. Written on the piece of paper was a guy's name with a number scribbled under it.
At first, Kevin was thunderstruck. He wasn't sure who this 'Drew' person was or where he got the number from. Still a little sleepy, it took Kevin a few moments to remember whom this Drew person was and how he got his number. After finally realizing that Drew was the young man Kevin met earlier tonight while he was wondering around the basement of the Staples Center. Intrigued, by the mysteriousness of the man he met earlier, Kevin was tempted to call Drew. Unable to resist his temptation, Kevin took out his phone and dialed the number.
Waiting, for someone to pick up the phone on the other end of the line, Kevin's knees became weak from a sense of fear and anticipation. Earlier this evening, Kevin was so moved by this young man's work, and he almost felt a connection between himself and Drew. Kevin allowed the phone to ring about seven times before he decided to hang up. Just about as Kevin was getting ready to hang up, someone had picked up the phone.
"Hello," a voice answered.
Not recognizing the voice, Kevin was a little apprehensive about saying anything. Finally he got up enough courage to reply, "May I speak to Drew please?"
With some hesitation, the person on the other end replied, "This is Drew, may I ask who's calling?"
"Drew, I don't know if you remember me but earlier tonight, I met you at the Staples Center. My name is Kevin Rich..."
"Yea I remember you, how could forget meeting someone with your talent. I'm just a little shocked to hear from you. When you asked for my number I thought you were just being nice. I never imagined that you would actually ever call me, especially tonight. Shouldn't you be at one of the many parties going on?"
"Well, if I didn't intend on ever calling you, I would have never asked for your number. I'm not like that," Kevin replied rather warily, while laughing at the same time.
On the other end, still shocked about who he was actually talking with, Drew apologetically responded, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply any..."
"Shh, I was joking. There's no need for any apologies. I just called because I was really moved by your music tonight. I would love to have the chance to work with you some day. You have some real talent, I hope you know that."
The two new acquaintances talked for a few minutes about their goals. Kevin mostly listened to Drew. For some reason, unbeknownst to him, Kevin was fascinated by this young man he met. Kevin continued walking around the gardens listening to his new friend. For a brief moment there was an awkward moment of silence between the two young men. A little nervous, Kevin decided it was time.
"Drew, I knows it late, but would you like to grab a cup of coffee and talk with me a little more," Kevin asked. "I'll understand if you say no."
Shocked by the question, Drew could only have one answer, "Yes."
"Good do you want to come to my hotel, or would you like to meet somewhere else. I can send a car to pick you up."
"Thanks but Kevin, that won't be necessary. I can drive myself. Which hotel are you staying at?"
In response to Drew's question, Kevin let him know where he was staying and what his room number was. He also told Drew that he would have to see the desk clerk first for security reasons, before he would have access to Kevin's floor. After that the two hung up with each other. Kevin walked out of the gardens and Started back towards his room. For the first time since before their performance, Kevin was smiling. He went up to his room, to straighten up for his quest.
Kevin quickly changed clothes into something more comfortable. He thought his clothes from the Grammys were just a bit to formal for a friendly discussion. Kevin grabbed a pair of jeans and his favorite sweater from his suitcase. After getting dressed, Kevin called down to room service for a pot of coffee and a variety of sweets. Before Drew arrived Kevin made up his bed, like his mother taught him when he was growing up.
Twenty-Five minutes after Kevin called room service, there was a knock at the door. Anticipating that it might be Drew, Kevin jumped from his sofa, and took one final glance in the mirror. Looking himself over one final time, making sure every piece of hair was in place, Kevin answered the door. On the other side were the room service cart and a hotel employee.
"Mr. Richardson, where would you like me to put this," the waiter asked?
"Please call me Kevin," he replied. "I can take it form here."
Kevin signed his name to the bill, making sure to leave a generous tip for the waiter. After he returned the bill to the waiter, Kevin wheeled the cart into his suite and set everything on the table. Kevin pushed the cart into the closet where it was out of sight of his guest. With everything ready to go, Kevin sat back down on the sofa, awaiting his guest. Anxiously awaiting Drew to show up, he turned on the television to help pass the time.
Unsure why, Kevin was unable to think about anything except of Drew and his song. Flipping through the channels with the remote, Kevin kept looking at his watch; each time hoping it would be the last he would have to. About fifteen minutes had passed since, room service came, and Kevin started to feel as if he was stood up. Realizing that Drew wasn't coming, Kevin gathered the food off of his table and placed it back on the food service cart. With everything in place, Kevin began to roll the cart towards the door to place it outside of his room. Kevin opened his door just as Drew was about to knock. Speechless, about the coincidence, Kevin stood there in awe.
Earlier tonight, when he met Drew, for the first time, He never really looked at him. The little room they met in was barley lit. Kevin was only able to catch glimpses of Drew's face through the shadows of light. However, now in the brilliantly lit hallway, Kevin stood there in amazement. He pictured Drew to be a bit shorter than he really was.
Drew had light brown hair, with shades of auburn mixed in. He was approximately Kevin's height and looked directly into Kevin's gazing stare. Helpless Kevin was unable to look away from Drew's face. Drew's eyes were crystal blue, like the water in the Caribbean. His skin was the perfect shade of olive brown, not to dark, not to light. Kevin felt something deep within himself that he's never felt before. Fumbling around, trying to form his thoughts into words, Kevin uttered something out of his mouth. Drew not sure of what Kevin had said, introduced himself.
"Hi Kevin, my name name's Drew Thomas," he said as he extended his hand out to greet Kevin's.
Realizing, Drew wanted to shake hands, Kevin extended his arm to meet Drew's. The two shook hands and Kevin invited his quest in to sit down.
"Sorry about that Drew, I thought you weren't coming so I was about to go to bed. I was shocked to see you standing there at my door when I opened it. I want to apologize for staring at you. You see this evening when we first met; I never got a good view of you. You're nothing like I pictured you to look like," Kevin told Drew has he followed his quest into the room.
Accepting his apology Drew sat down on the chair. Intrigued by what Kevin had just said, Drew was tempted to ask, "So Kevin, can I ask you what you thought I looked like?"
Kevin taking a seat across from Drew; blushed a little recalling his first image of Drew form his subconscious.
"Well, I hope I don't offend you, but I for got all about meeting you till I found your number this evening. I debated whether or not I should call you or not, and I did."
"Thanks for calling me, I'm such a fan and I love your music. But you still haven't answered my question."
Drew's statement produced a smile to form on Kevin's face. To Kevin, Drew was an angel sent form God. This smile was a real, true smile, not one that he had to force himself to make. Kevin sat there smiling trying to think of how to answer Drew's question.
"Well, you see I've always been told I have a vivid imagination. So my first thought was that you were a deformed person who lived in the basement of the arena making music. I pictured you to look something like Quasimodo from, 'Notre Dame', or something similar to 'The Phantom of the Opera,' only in your case it would be The Phantom of The Grammys.
Both men chuckled at Kevin's response. Laughing until it hurt. Trying to gather himself Drew stopped laughing enough to say, "Well, Kevin you do have quite an imagination. I'm sorry to have disappointed you."
"Who said I was disappointed. I admit sometimes my imagination gets the best of me, but this one time I'm glad to see that it did," Kevin said as he looked away from his friend. For a moment there was an awkward silence between the two, both unsure of what to say next. Kevin waited a brief moment, which to him seemed like an eternity, before asking, "Drew, may I ask why you were in the basement, in that tiny room. If I'm being nosey just tell me."
Drew sat in his chair, thinking how to approach, Kevin's question. Finally he decided the truth was the best. "Well Kevin I could ask you the same thing, but since you asked my first, I'll tell you."
"You see I'm at senior at UCLA, and I working on my final project. I'm a music major, specializing in piano and music theory. Money's really tight so, I started working at the Staples Center a coupe months ago as part of the maintenance crew. One night while putting some stuff away in the basement, I found a room that had all sorts of music instruments. I also found another room that had a grand piano, the room that you also found tonight. Since money is tight, I cant afford my own piano, so I started using my access to the Staples Center to finish my senior project and work on my own music. Until tonight, no one has ever found out my secret."
"And no one will found out form me," Kevin replied. "So I guess it's my turn to tell you why I was down in the basement."
"Well, if you want to, I'm not pressuring you."
"No it's okay, you told me your story, and I can share mine. After our performance tonight I needed to get away. See, whenever I sing 'Show Me The Meaning...' it brings back thoughts of my father's death to me. Well, tonight while I was singing, I looked up into the audience and for a brief second, I thought I saw my dad in the audience. As soon as our song was over, I ran off stage. I needed to be alone, so I managed to find my way down into the basement, where I found you."
Kevin, with tears beginning to form in his eyes, left his seat and turned away from Drew. This time, the moment of silence between these two wasn't awkward, in fact, it was almost as if Drew was meant to hear that story. Quietly Drew walked up behind Kevin and wrapped him in a hug. By this time, Drew, himself had begun to cry. Standing there, holding and comforting Kevin, Drew quietly began to speak.
"Kevin, let it all out. I know the memories are painful, but in the end you will feel a lot better. Both of my parents are dead and for five years I was haunted with the thought that it was my fault. I kept thinking that there was something I've could have done to save my parents. It wasn't till I met a friend form school that he showed me that I wasn't at fault for my parent's death. He showed me that even though people are gone they are never absent form our mind and as long as we continue to think about them, they will always be here."
Drew's words helped to soothe Kevin's heart and ease his mind. Kevin and Drew walked over to the couch and sat down together. It was late and Drew decided it was time for him to leave. Kevin walked him to the door, but something between them had changed. Friends they still were, but it was a new kind of friendship, one that Kevin had waited for his entire life.
Before leaving, Drew looked into Kevin's eyes and stared into his soul. Without thinking of the consequences, Kevin embraced his friend and kissed him passionately on the lips. For these two new friends, the world around them ceases to exist. They were the only two that mattered.
The kiss between these two was the spark needed to start a raging fire in their souls for one another. Knowing that nothing would ever happen between these two, both of them stood there embracing each other, enjoying the time they had spent with one another. Drew pulled away from Kevin and deeply stared into his eyes. Although, either man uttered not a single word, hours of communication passed in a few seconds. It was once said that our eyes are the windows to our souls. That idea was never more evident than at this time or place. Drew parted from Kevin, but never took his eyes away from the face of his friend. Grabbing his jacket, Drew took one last good look into Kevin's soul. With tears forming in his own eyes, Drew walked away from Kevin and out into the hallway.
Trying to speak to Drew, asking him not to leave, Kevin followed him into the hallway, although he was unable to form his thoughts into words. Helpless, Kevin watched as Drew walked towards the elevator. As the doors opened Drew stepped into the elevator turning one last time to look back at Kevin. Still trying to say something to stop Drew from leaving, Kevin stood there like a stone statue. As the doors to the elevator began to close Kevin began to cry uncontrollably. With the doors to the elevator closed completely Drew was taken from Kevin.
Needing to talk with someone, Kevin knew that he was alone, and there was no one he could turn to for help this time. He entered his room and went right for his desk. At times like this he always felt a little better after writing in his journal. Kevin took the book form its hiding place and sat at the table. For a few moments, Kevin stared blankly at his journal hoping that one day he would be bale to share its contents with someone, but he knew the only person who would ever understand had just exited his life.
Well once I again I find myself alone in this room writing my thoughts onto the pages of this book. I'm not sure how I feel about Drew, but I do know that tonight with him was very special. I've known for sometime that I'm not attracted to the opposite sex, but until tonight I've never actually been attracted to anyone guy. I've shared my discovery with anyone till tonight, and although I never told Drew I was gay, he somehow knew. He knew what I was thinking and what I was saying even though I never told him. We had a bond that although very strong, it could not surpass my fear of coming out to anyone.
I could have stopped him at anytime, but I could not seem to form the words to do so. And now that he's gone, I wish I could've done something to stop him. I realize that my father was taken from me, and for the longest time I believed I could've done something to prevent it form happening. Tonight Drew showed me that I was powerless in that battle. However I know that if I wanted to I could have prevented Drew from leaving.
Even If I would of though, what kind of relationship could we have? Constantly, I live my life in and out of the public's eye. Dodging cameras, and reporters where ever I go. Trying to hide the person I love, from the outside world is no way to have a relationship. What about the guys and the band? I can't do anything to destroy what they all have worked so hard for. I only hope Drew knows how much I care for him. I saw how much he cared about me in his eyes, I hope he saw I it in mine. Tomorrow while on the plane, I'm going to tell the guys that after this album, I'm leaving the group for good. I know that will not bring Drew and I together, that can't happen till I'm ready to admit to myself who I really am. I am Kevin Richardson. I am gay. Until I can tell say those words to everyone I know that I must be alone.
However I feel that by leaving the band, which has provided me with security over the last seven years, I'm taking the first step to my freedom. I can't expect Drew to wait for me; I only hope that I will be able to find the person who's meant for me. If that person should be Drew then I know we will meet again. I've decided that I'm going tot finish my song without Brian's help. It's going to be my personal anthem. I hope one day to be able to share it with Drew. Maybe he could write the music for me? Here are the complete lyrics to my song:
Silent Tears
I sit awake night and day
Trying to find some way
To remind all of you about
My hopes, my dreams, and my fears
But all I do is cry these Silent Tears
(Chorus)
Tears are often shed but
Sometimes they are never heard
We often cry ourselves to sleep
Hoping we'll find some relief
From our pain, which causes our Silent Tears
Now I've found someone
Who can make me happy
However like my father this
Friend was swept away from me
When I needed him the most
Alone now I sit here in my room
Thinking about my soul,
Thinking about my crying heart
Trying to comfort my pain
And my heart's silent tears
Chorus
For no one can see or hear
Them, except for the two men
Who have been taken away
From me I'm alone in this world
Destined to cry my Silent Tears
Chorus
Some day I will learn to
Ease the pain inside my soul
On my own However until
Then I must live my life
And I must cry my Silent Tears.
Chorus twice
Tomorrow before we leave I would like to call Drew and thank him or helping me tonight and say goodbye. I'm going to try to find where he lives I would like to buy him a piano for his house. I'll consider it a repayment for the favor he did for me. This way I know one day that his talent will not go on unnoticed.
Kevin Richardson. February 24, 2000.
(Okay everyone that's part four. Please don't be to critical about the song, I know its not the best, but I never claimed to be a musician. Any other comments are welcome. You may email me at author@backstreetboys.com. I hope everyone enjoys this part of the story. I finally decided where I want to go with my story, so just to let you know I'm planning on writing about three more chapters.)