Silent Tears: A Fictional Story About the Backstreet Boys. By: N. Davis
Disclaimer: Once again this story contains or will contain homosexual content about the Backstreet Boys. If any way this offends you please leave now. However, whoever reads this story, I would love to know what you thought of it.
Note: This story is a little different from other ones you might have read, because Kevin Richardson will narrate the chapters as his journal entries. There will be short passages, which will be told through various people to help move along the plot of the story.
Chapter 5: Lonely Hearts Collide
Kevin closed his journal, trying to keep from crying. Exhausted over the range of emotions he's been through, Kevin makes his way over to his bed. With the journal in his hands, he immediately falls asleep.
Meanwhile Drew finds himself driving around the lonely, desolate city. His heart keeps telling him to go back to Kevin and to help ease his trouble. He's reminded of the pain he was in not so many years ago, when he had had his first gay experience. Drew so badly wanted to be there for Kevin, but he knew in his mind and somewhere in his heart, that until Kevin was able to admit to himself that he was gay and that he was no longer ashamed of his life choice; Drew could be of no help. This would be one thing that he could not help Kevin through, he needed to do this own his own.
Although, Drew could not help Kevin, he knew that he loved him with every ounce he had in him. No matter how many men Drew has known or ever will know, he knew that Kevin was the one for him. When he left Kevin's room earlier tonight it took everything he had. He so wanted to stay the night and comfort his friend through words alone. Drew found himself attracted to Kevin, and for just cause. But with Kevin, Drew had felt feelings that he never experienced before. He was in love with Kevin. He didn't lust after him like with other guys he had before; it was different this time. The kiss they shared bonded their souls for an eternity, now Drew had to wait to see if that bond they shared would be strong enough to bring them together. The anticipation running through his body would not allow for any sleep. He decided to go back to the Staples Center to work on his material. He had a few new ideas after what happened tonight. This was the one place that Drew knew he could get all of his feelings onto paper.
With a long and exhausting night behind them, Brian, AJ, Howie, and Nick are on their way back to the hotel around 8:30 in the morning. They only have an hour to get packed and meet Kevin for breakfast before they have to leave for the airport. The ride back to the hotel, is very subdued due to the guys getting very little sleep the previous night. Not wanting to ruin the peaceful mood the other guys are in, AJ hesitates a little before saying what he needs to. Finally, not being able to hold it anymore, AJ disrupts the other three.
"Listen guys, I know right now isn't the best time to bring this up, but with Kevin not here it's the best chance we'll get."
Intrigued, the other guys look up at AJ waiting for him to begin. Brian has an idea of what's on AJ's mind and he was thinking the same thing, but since AJ brought it up, Brian decided to listen before saying anything. Nick and Howie also prepare themselves for what AJ had to say; Nick more than Howie.
"After this tour, we all know that I'm going out on my own as Johnny No-Name. Kevin and I have always hung out together during our off time and being how depressed he's been lately, he's going to need you guys now more than ever. If my tour weren't raising money for charity, I would cancel it so I could be there for him. I know we all talked about this last night, promising to be there for Kevin; but I need all of you to follow through with your promise. I've invited Kevin to come out on the road with me, but he said, that with this time off, he's going to work on his solo projects. Hopefully that will keep him busy. I'm counting on you guys to be there if he needs you. We all know something is wrong and with time off, this might be when Kevin's going to finally give in and share it with us."
Brian and Nick both agreed to AJ's request simultaneously. However, Howie was more than reluctant to promise anything. The other three turned their heads in Howie's direction awaiting his response.
"What don't look at me. Kevin and I are not close. I wouldn't even call us friends. I doubt if he comes to anyone about his problems it won't be me. However, if he does I will do my best to support him," said Howie in a rather sarcastic voice.
"Dammit Howie, that's just what I'm talking about. I don't care if you listen to Kevin or not. I'm more worried about you causing him any extra grief. For once can't you just be cooperative," AJ snapped back at Howie.
"Fine, Fine whatever. Just leave me alone. If Kevin needs me I'll be there."
"Thank you," AJ responded.
Under his breath, so not to be heard, Howie replied, "If you ask me what Kevin needs are a rubber room and a doctor."
Knowing that Howie had something, but not sure what exactly it was, Brian ignored the comment. The limo had just pulled up to the back entrance to drop the guys off. Quickly the guys exited the limo, grabbing their overnight bags, they had brought. Once all out of the limo the guys walked to the elevator together.
Safely inside the elevator, Brian ordered, "You guys start packing. I'm going to go wake up Kevin to order us breakfast. Then I'll pack and we'll all meet back in Kevin's room in twenty minutes. Got that Nick, you only have twenty minutes to pack."
Tired of being treated like a kid, Nick looked over and sardonically said, "Yea mom, twenty minutes. Gee I hope I can count to twenty."
With the elevator reaching their floor, all the guys went in separate direction to their own rooms; Brian heading towards Kevin's. Standing outside the door, Brian knocked and waited then knocked again. Not getting an answer, Brian took out the spare key, and let himself in.
Once inside the room, Brain noticed the two half drank cups of coffee on the table and the two plates with some food left on them. "Ah Kevin had a date, he thought to himself. No wonder why he didn't come to the party. He was dogging us for some pretty girl."
Hoping that whoever was there was already gone; Brian peeked into the bedroom. Seeing Kevin alone in the bed, Brian walked in to surprise his cousin. As Brian got closer to Kevin he noticed he was clutching something in his hands. Brian got within inches of Kevin, seeing that what Kevin was holding was some type of diary or journal.
Being the curious person he was, Brian grabbed the diary from Kevin's hands ever so gently so not to wake his cousin. Just as Brian was about to read the journal, he backed into the nightstand, causing the lamp to crash onto the floor. The noise awoke Kevin and he suddenly realized Brian was moments from the truth. Alacrity, Kevin grabbed the journal form his cousin as he jumped from the bed.
"What the hell are you doing," Kevin said hastily, demanding an answer from his cousin."
"Kevin calm down, I just came to make sure you were up. The other guys and myself just got back to the hotel. We have less than an hour to be at the airport. You know they hate when were late," Brian responded keenly.
A little disoriented and still somewhat asleep, Kevin looked around the room before getting up from the bed. Once fully awake, Kevin left Brian in the room, as he went into the bathroom. Realizing, what had happened a few hours before, Kevin for the first time admitted to himself that he was gay. He was no longer confused about his sexuality. How could he tell everyone else? Could he tell everyone else and not ruin the group? What would his family think of him? As Kevin starred at himself in the mirror all those questions floated in and out of his consciousness. No matter what people thought about him, Kevin new that the hardest part, admitting it to himself was over.
"Hey cous, are you alright," Brian asked. "You seem a little distant today. More than you have been in the past weeks."
Waiting for some kind of response, Brian walked around Kevin's bedroom looking at his stuff. As he walked past one of he dressers, Brian discovered a tiny piece of paper with a phone number and a name written on it.
"Hmm, I wonder who Drew is," Brian thought to himself. Still not getting an answer from Kevin, Brian asked his cousin his question again.
This time Kevin acknowledged his cousin's question with a simple, "yea, I'm fine."
Seconds later Kevin re-entered the bedroom where Brian had taken a seat on the bed. Waiting for his cousin, Brian had picked up the group's itinerary for the rest of their current tour from Kevin's desk. Preoccupied by his reading, Brian did not see Kevin enter the room hiding his journal in his suitcase.
"Whatcha reading B-rok," Kevin asked his cousin.
A little stunned, Brian looked up at his cousin and replied, "Just our schedule for the next few weeks. I haven't really looked at it until now; we're going to be extremely busy up until the end of April. I don't know when we're going to get to work on our song." Trying to find a way to tell Kevin he didn't want to do the song Brian continued, "We may have to push for our fourth album."
Kevin, knowing what his cousin was trying to do, decided to play along, "It's okay, last night I was working on it and I think I'm just going to put aside for now. I realize that it's not something I want on our next album. Hopefully we'll find something we could work on together."
"Sure thing cous, but right now, I have to go pack. Do you want to order some food for us, the others should be here soon?"
"Sorry Brian, but I have to run an errand before we leave town, so I'll just meet you and the others at the airport."
"Well, Kevin give me a minute and I'll go with you, or take AJ he should be ready," Brian suggested hoping Kevin would take someone with him just so there wouldn't be any problems like the previous two nights.
Kevin assured his cousin he would be fine on his own, as he grabbed his luggage and the keys to the rental car the guys borrowed from the hotel. "Listen Brian I'll be fine. I'll see you guys at the airport in about forty minutes," Kevin said as he grabbed all his stuff and left his suite.
Brian and the others arrived at the airport and checked their luggage before boarding their plane. Hoping Kevin was already their, Brian kept his fingers crossed. Once on the plane the guys noticed Kevin was absent.
"Shit, Brian why did you let him leave on his own, this morning," AJ asked rather angrily.
"AJ I tired to get him to let me or you go with him, but he wanted to do this on his own. I wasn't happy about it, but Kevin is twenty-seven years old, what could I possibly do."
"I know Brian, I'm sorry, I'm just so mad at Kevin for doing this, and for me its easier to take it out on you."
"Well, lets start calling some people, maybe he forgot something at the hotel and had to go back there," Howie suggested.
The others who were shocked by the absence of any unnecessary comments from Howie starred simply in his direction. Was Howie actually trying to help? The guys all took their seats and just as they did, Kevin came running onto the plane.
"I'm here and I'm only five minutes late. Sorry guys traffic is terrible."
Relieved to see Kevin the others accepted his apology with their smiles. Kevin took his seat and placed his carry-on bag in the storage compartment. With the plane in the air all the guys seemed to relax a little. Except for Kevin, all the others were looking over the final tour schedule. Knowing he had to tell them sooner or later, Kevin decided now was the best time.
"Hey guys I need to talk to everyone. Is now a good time for us all." Without any objection, Kevin continued. "Guys we all know that lately, especially within the last year, that I haven't been myself. Nevertheless, I've made commitments to you and our record company and to myself. So I've decided that I will stay on with you guys until we finish our current upcoming album." The guys shocked by Kevin's statement tried to interrupt him, but Kevin continued. "I have to work everything out with our attorney's but my decision is final." With tears in his eyes, Kevin began where he had left off. "In the last few days especially I have been searching for what I need to find to become happy again. When I finally found it, I was torn by my love for that and for my commitment to you guys. Unfortunately, I can't do both, so I decided I had to do what's better for myself in the end. However, I did make a promise to all of you by signing my contract, so with your permission I would like to resign after the next album. We'll have a lot of details to work out in the coming months, but I needed to tell you guys first. I owe you guys at least that. My attorney is working on papers of my resignation to send to our record company and our management team. I'm sure we'll be hearing form them very soon." Kevin finished by wiping the tears, which were now streaming down the side of his face. Silent, the others looked at one another with amazement. Not knowing what to say or to say anything at all, the guys couldn't believe what they heard.
"Kevin, I know something been bothering you lately, please let us help you. Why don't you take sometime to rethink your decision," AJ asked? All the other guys simultaneously agreed, with AJ hoping to try to get Kevin to change his mind. "Sorry guys, but I've thought out all my options carefully, and this is the only solution. Also, I would like you guys to know that starting today, I will no longer be in charge of the group. I think it's best if someone else makes all the decisions, which will involve the band in the future. I've thought about this decision all last night, and I think that either AJ or Howie should take my place. However with AJ going out on his own tour, I think Howie would be the best person. He has great compromising skills and he knows how to get what we want and need. Howie knows a lot of people in this industry and I think under his direction, he could take you guys farther than I ever could."
Howie was the first person to speak after Kevin's latest bombshell. "Kevin I know we're not the best of friends, but I want you to know that I've always looked up to you for what you been able to accomplish. Keeping us four in line at all time can't be the easiest thing. I hope that I will be bale to live up to your expectations of me. And at anytime you want your job back its yours."
Howie got up form his chair and walked over to hug Kevin. For the first time in seven years, there was a mutual sense of respect between Howie and Kevin. Howie sat back down in his seat looking at everyone else. He knew he had done the right thing, and the look on the other three's faces confirmed his sense of accomplishment.
Feeling awkward, Kevin grabbed his carry-on bag and stood up. "I think you guys need some time to talk amongst yourselves. I want you know that no one here is responsible for my decision. I will always love you guys like brothers, whenever you need me I will be there for you, but right now I need to be there for myself." Kevin walked to the front of the jet taking a seat away from everyone else. Ironically, for the first time Kevin felt more a part of the group more than ever, since he decided to leave the group.
Kevin reached into his bag and grabbed out his journal and a pen. Far enough away form the rest, Kevin felt safe to write down his feelings.
I can only imagine how Brian, AJ, Nick, and Howie are thinking. They didn't say much during our conversation moments ago, nonetheless, I don't think there happy with my decision. But they do love me, so I think with time they will be able to come to terms with my decision for leaving the group. In time when I'm ready to tell them the reasons that I've decided to leave, I know they will understand and approve. Its better this way for everyone involved. I can no longer hide my feelings, and although I believe its good to have homosexual role models in the spotlight; I can't take the chance that it would hurt the others. They should not have to pay for my feelings. I hope in time, when they know the truth, they will still call me a friend. I wish it didn't have to end this way, but I see no other way. One day, in the future, I hope to be able to walk down a crowded street with my secrets in the open, walking with the guys. For now though, the mind of the public still has so much growing to do.
With admitting to myself that I am gay and with me telling the guys my decision to leave the band, I made my first transition into my new life. Unfortunately, my new life means that the life I'm living now must come to an end. This is the final act of the play of my old life. Soon, I will start a new chapter in a new story. I've have not changed, my life is what's changing. I know that even though I'll be leaving the public eye for the most part, the evolution of the new me will not be an effortless development. I'm expecting a lot of denigration, and loathing from all different types of people.
I've always wondered why we [as people] condemn others for their actions. I myself am guilty of this. We look at people and wonder why they do the things they do? We ask ourselves what possesses people to do certain things? Who gave us the power to criticize others? Sure from a young age we are thought the difference between right and wrong, but who has the power to decide what is "normal" behavior. Coming from a religious family I've always been told that homosexual relationships are wrong. They go against what religions have taught people in the past.
I'm sorry, maybe this goes against everything that my family has installed in me, but I don't see how we can tell someone there are wrong for loving someone else. How can people denounce my feelings as being immoral? My feelings are my feelings and no one else's. I will not allow anyone to tell me that what I'm feeling is wrong. No one should be able tell anyone that. We are not robots, programmed to act like one another. We are people, all different in some ways, similar in others. However, unique to each of us are our feelings and our thoughts. Soon, maybe everyone else will see this, and accept the people that they call abnormal.
I haven't yet decided when I will tell my family and the guys about me discovering that I'm gay. I want to tell them right now, but I know this isn't the proper time. I don't know when the proper time will be, but when it comes, I'll be ready. Telling my mother will be the hardest. I can't expect her to approve, I wouldn't ask that of anyone, because then I'm asking them to feel something they don't. I would like for my family and friends to understand my decision. I didn't wake up this morning and say to myself that I'm gay and that's all there is to it. I've battled with these feelings for a while now, pushing them back into my soul each time I was confronted with them. It just happened that at this time in my life, for me to deal with my feelings. I've known for about ten years now that I was different than other boys. I've felt things inside of me, that weren't normal. I wasn't ready to admit that to anyone, not even myself till now. I owe a lot of this to Drew. He didn't persuade my feelings in any way. What he did do, however was he allowed be to be myself and be open with him. I guess that's what all of us needs. We need friends who let us be who and what we are, this is the only way we can find ourselves in our thoughts.
I hope Drew knows what he has given me. He gave me the power to admit it to myself that I'm gay, and without that I would never be able to move on. My life was headed for disaster, and without knowing it perhaps; Drew reached out to me, pulling me towards safety. He's my angel sent from heaven. I'd like to think that my father who I believe is watching over me sent him. Last night, I believe that is was meant for me to find Drew in the basement. I know now, that last night, when I thought I saw my father in the audience, that it really was him. He was watching over me like he's always done. I know that he doesn't approve of my feelings, but he knows that I'm happy now. And that's what makes him happy.
Our next album is scheduled to come out in October. That gives me about eight months to figure out all my feelings. I would like to tell everyone by then. Once I'm out of the band, then I'll be truly free. I can then admit that I'm gay to everyone, and then I can be with Drew. I won't ask him to wait till then for me, if it happens that way, then I know that it's meant to. If things don't work out between us, I will always be thankful to him for helping me sort through my feelings. He was sent to do a job, and he's done that already. No matter what forms between us, I would like to remain friends. After our current, tour I'm planning a trip back to Los Angeles. I've made plans for the Oscars, and I hope that during that time I will be able to see him again in person to thank him. Today, when I left the hotel, I went to but him his own piano. I would love to see his expression on his face when it arrives. I don't really know if he knows what he did for me, but I hope that my gift to him is as rewarding as his was to me. I still have his number, and I sometimes think about calling him, just to hear his voice, but I know that that will just cause me more grief. Knowing how I feel about him, and knowing that I can't be with him just yet.
It seems as if, the others have quieted down behind me. I know they're hoping they'll get me to change my mind, but it won't happen. In time, they will see that everything will be okay. A few months out of the spotlight, and I'll be forgotten like others in the past.
Kevin Richardson February 24, 2000.
Well everyone that's chapter five. I want to thank everyone who has left me such wonderful comments. I hope that you keep reading my story. Remember any suggestion or comments are always appreciated at author@backstreetboys.com. If I didn't respond to any of your emails I'm sorry, but I wan to you know that all of your comments are taken into consideration.
Thanks, much. N. Davis